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I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues
Its time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse
…..
I smooth down the fabric of my black dress when I step through the back door of the hotel and out onto the lawn. Not to sound dramatic, but somehow the dresscode for today somehow really reflects the mood I am in.
Around me, there is a hustle and bustle of guests and personnel, and I smile gratefully at the waiter who offers me a glass of champagne. After another deep breath, I make my way down the stairs and towards the setup for the wedding that I’m here for.
I don’t know a ton of the people assembled here today - a painful reminder of how Jere and I still exist in the same universe these days, but we might as well live on different planets.
The only people I really know are my parents, Adam, Taylor, Steven, Redbird and the bride and groom, of course. Redbird, Steven and Taylor are part of the wedding party though and nowhere to be seen - as you would expect them to. The rest of the roughly 60 guests I assume are people from a life that I am not a part of - Jere’s restaurant staff, business partners and new friends, as well as the bride’s rather big family.
When we received the invitation for this event and RSVPed “Yes”... I was still holding onto my marriage with Conrad, simply because calling it quits felt like admitting defeat… And while that cream-colored envelope in some ways made me question my reasons for clinging to my marriage, in some ways it also made me more desperate to make things work!
Because this was the ultimate proof, the most final one… that I had screwed up what should have been the best thing that ever happened to me! With THIS - and knowing Jeremiah… It felt like he was locking a door he had closed years ago and was throwing out the key.
I know that it was my delusion assuming that as long as he had not committed to someone else, that there would be a chance that we could find our way back to each other - not that Jeremiah had shown any signs that he was open for that ever since Paris, if I am being honest with myself!
But somehow… deep inside of me, I always believed that this book, the tale of Belly and Jeremiah… would not end with a 90 second phone call on New Year’s Eve when we said that we should “probably let each other go”.
In hindsight, the thing I regret most is the way I chased Conrad to the train station that fateful morning, because thinking back at the conversation we had before he left… I was SO close to understanding it then, even with my mind somewhat clouded with alcohol and marihuana.
Because it was actually true… the thing that tied me to Conrad the most was romanticized childhood memories and a promise I made to Susannah on her deathbed. Conrad won’t admit it to this day, but I just know that what kept him tied to me was not too dissimilar!
Of course, he had never promised this to his mother, but in a way, if wasn’t necessary with how she had always pushed for us to be together since we were little, with the way it seemingly never occurred to him that there could be an ending to this whole story that wasn’t me being a Fisher, or rather him being the man by my side.
Because I’m not in the mood to explain myself to anyone, why I am here - I don’t want to imagine the faces of people when I even tell them my name because you never know who knows about our shared history and who doesn’t - I make my way towards the corner where I see my mom and dad standing, looking out onto the setup.
Dad wraps his arm around my shoulder supportively, because of course he KNOWS! Or maybe he doesn’t know, but he at least understands part of my pain. The way my mom studies me with a mix of worry and disdain makes me a little uneasy - does she really think that I would cause drama on a day like this, that I would do this to Jeremiah… just because of what happened at Susannah’s funeral 10 years ago?
My mom was SO disappointed when I broke the news to her, when I called her to tell her that I decided to file for divorce - not that I expected anything less! And of course, she wasn’t worried about my wellbeing or asking me what happened, but instead her first question was how Conrad was coping - as per usual.
My dad… that was a different topic. He of course asked me first how I was feeling - relieved, actually - and then what happened. Which I still have difficulties explaining.
Because there wasn’t this one, huge thing… there was no infidelity, no violence involved… or at least not the physical kind. Conrad and I were reasonably happy for a while and he really tried to better himself, but soon - especially after my return to the US - all of our old problems that we blended out when he came visiting me in Paris boiled back to the surface.
He felt incredibly triggered when I tried to rebuild my friendship with Jeremiah, acting like a jealous and controlling prick, up until the point where Jeremiah told him to get a grip and to not risk losing me again… Because according to Jere, all that heartbreak would have been for nothing then.
And while he actually managed to do that, it still brought out some of his old habits, the hot and cold behaviour, the stonewalling…
Still, I decided to say “Yes” when he proposed because I felt marrying him would be the ultimate proof of my commitment, and Jeremiah - bless him - even agreed to be Conrad’s best man when Conrad asked him to… Something that I will never fully understand and that I actually found incredibly weird.
When I told Jere that he didn’t have to do this, he replied that it’s okay and that was it. He never said it to me, but I think he knew that Conrad still saw him as somewhat of a threat, and if THIS was what Conrad needed to let go of that, he would do it. And I know that it was true for him. He had let me go, and all he was interested in at that point was my friendship.
But things didn’t improve after we got married… on the contrary actually because familiarity breeds contempt, and then… I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to walk away!
Violin music starts playing, and the coordinator asks us all to please find our seats since the ceremony is about to start. And in this moment I regret that I decided to show up at the last minute, that I didn’t get a chance to say hello to Jeremiah before the ceremony, as a way to brace myself! It seemed easier at first, but now, the thought that the first glimpse of him that I’ll be able to catch is him, under that wooden arch, waiting for his bride…
And he looks as heartbreakingly beautiful as I feared he would. Jeremiah Fisher has never not been the most attractive man in any space he’s in - he’s not only physically attractive with his built, his angelic curls and those blue, blue eyes… It’s the way he carries himself, the way he shines from within… His kind heart showing in his eyes and his smile…
And seeing him now, in this neatly cut tux, perfectly groomed, happiness radiating out of every pore… Fuck! How am I supposed to do this?
My parents make their way to the designated seats in the second row while I try to find a spot in one of the rows further in the back, because I feel that I have no business taking up space between Jere’s closest people. Not anymore.
He still spots me though, waves me from across the lawn as I take my seat and winks at me encouragingly. I can sense his positive nervousness even at this distance! This day has been a long time coming, and he is every bit as happy as one should be, that is blatantly obvious!
After our called-off wedding, Jere started spiraling for a while - to the point where Steven kicked him out and he moved in with Denise.
From what I heard, he just packed his bags at Thanksgiving, moved from Steven’s into Denise’s spare room, and the rest is history: Somehow with her, he didn’t want to slack around anymore and got himself a restaurant job to contribute to rent… Which then turned into an actual and highly successful career… And Jere and Denise turned from work enemies to roommates to friends and then finally… lovers!
The past 5 years weren’t a smooth ride for them at all times, and they actually went separate ways for a while after Denise moved to San Francisco with Steven and Taylor, and Jere took a one year culinary training in Italy.
After he returned to the US and found a job in the Bay Area, it didn’t take long before they got back together, and for good this time… which leads us here!
I put on a brave face and give him a small wave, too. But by the time my hand sinks down, he has already moved on and is greeting someone at the opposite side of the aisle, and so I bury my face in the little leaflet with pictures and quotes that was placed on the chairs - mostly so that I can avoid small talk with the lady next to me.
Of course, the first thing Conrad did after he was served the divorce papers, was call Jeremiah and tell him that he would not be coming to the wedding. What a prick!
Jeremiah, the king of empathy as per usual, called me then to check in on me and I am pretty sure that he knew that I was lying when I told him I was fine. He said that he would totally understand if I wasn’t in a wedding kind of mood, but I could not help but think of what it must have cost him to not only attend Conrad’s and my wedding, but to stand in the front, next to his brother, and give us his blessing. So who would I be if I cancelled on HIM?
I owe him to be here for him today, and in a way, I owe it to myself, too! Because the last couple of months made it awfully clear to me that I had made a huge mistake when I decided to flee to Paris instead of fighting for Jeremiah, and how it was me who closed the door, the way back for us, for good, the day I decided to get back together with Conrad! Even if Jeremiah was already moving on then, I still believe that that was the point of no return. And I missed it.
But seeing that wedding invitation gave it a new finality, and I feel like I won’t be able to let go of him for good unless I sit here to witness him saying yes wholeheartedly… to the love of his life!
The love of his life…. who isn’t me! Not anymore!
Redbird takes his spot as the best man next to Jeremiah, and my brother - who got a license online because he claimed it was his responsibility to marry off his brother by choice and his business partner - takes the spot of the officiant.
Then the violin music shifts to “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”, and when I look at Jeremiah’s face, I see a broad grin appear - it’s not for his bride though but for my 2 year old niece Allegra who walks up to the altar, throwing flower petals onto the grass and wearing a proud grin, just like her “uncle”. Taylor - Denise’s bridesmaid - is wearing a burgundy red dress and has a bouquet of white roses in one hand, using the other to make sure her daughter doesn’t get distracted and keeps walking towards the front. My heart swells at the cuteness!
When Allegra reaches the front, Taylor isn’t quick enough to stop her, to keep her from running towards Jeremiah - the little girl LOVES him, how could she not - and of course, he squats down to her eye level, tears in his eyes already - no way he’s not going to cry on a day like this - and picks up the toddler, placing a kiss on her hair, smiling her and telling her she did good - before handing her over to my mom, who sits her granddaughter down on her lap.
Then, the music shifts to a different tune, and if I am not completely mistaken, the string quartet is now playing a song by Taylor Swift… It takes me a second to realize it’s “I Knew It, I Knew You”.
The people next to me turn around to catch a first glimpse at the bride, and it takes me one deep breath to get it together, to do the same and peel my eyes away from Jeremiah, who puffs out a breath, his bottom lip quivering the way I know it does when he is on the verge of losing it, when he tries to stop himself from crying… crying of happiness though today, but still!
Denise crosses the corner - all by herself, because of course she didn’t want her dad or any man for that matter, to give her away! And she looks every bit as stunning as I expected her to in that simple, column style satin dress with the corset top that accentuates her curves perfectly!
Her beautiful curls are pinned up, a few strategic strands accentuating her face. She is wearing radiant, but natural makeup and…
Of course she’s glowing - glowing with happiness and love for this wonderful man - the best there ever was, who am I kidding, and when she reaches the end of the aisle and finally sees him… I can see an excited smile pulling up the corners of her mouth and there are tears threatening to spill when her steps seem to speed up, like she can’t get to the altar fast enough, and I can’t blame her! Because I know it would have been the same for me!
I am still amazed by the effect Jeremiah had on her… When I first met her, I immediately liked her because she has always been a nice person. But she was also incredibly tough and seemed like the most rational human to ever exist - incredibly headstrong, intelligent and a little snarky, but her heart clearly in the right spot - and I am sure she still is all of those things when she feels like she has to be… But to see the way Jeremiah cracked that shell, tore down every inner wall she had put up trying to act tough enough to survive in a male centered work setting… is really something else!
Her eyes meet mine for just a split of a second, but not long enough for it to really register with her - or at least I hope she doesn’t because I really don’t trust my own facial expression right now… As much as I try to hold it together, I think I definitely look way too emotional for a sister in law / friend!
When she has walked past my row, I take another deep breath, because I have no other choice but to turn back toward the front to witness Denise struggling to not walk too fast, to stick to the rhythm of the song, and Redbird handing Jere a tissue he of course had ready - because there was no chance in hell that Jere would NOT be crying at this point!
And if my heart had not been broken already, it sure would now at the love, the happiness reflecting in his eyes… A love that used to be directed at me, a love that I failed to handle with the care it deserved because I got distracted, because I didn’t value it… HIM, the way I should have!
This will forever be my biggest regret.
Once Denise stands in front of Jeremiah, she reaches up and wipes a fresh batch of tears off his cheek in the most loving way, and then they lean in for a quick kiss that earns them a warning remark from Steven - accompanied with a soft grin!
They hold each other’s hands and look at each other as Steven greets everyone and then starts his speech:
“You know, Taylor and I take full credit for this… because if we had not kicked out Jere on Thanksgiving 5 years ago, he would never have moved in with Denise. He packed his belongings, moved into her apartment first, then into her heart… And the rest is history!”
I try not to think back to that Thanksgiving, everything that happened that year and how much I missed him, how neither Taylor or Steven told me at the time how badly he was spiraling because of me… As if I needed any more proof that I deserve every bit of the pain that I feel today!
Soon, we reach the part with the wedding vows - of course they have written their own - and being the powerhouse that she is, Denise clears her throat and looks up at Jere, ready to speak first, while I brace myself for impact:
“If you would have told me five years ago that Jeremiah Fisher and I would make it here, I would have told you that you were crazy! Not because of you, Jeremiah… Well, not only because of you! I thought my future would be a business, maybe a partner, and a life I had built completely for myself.
When I met you, my first thought was that you were a nepo baby. My second was that you had beautiful blue eyes, and my third was, actually, fuck that guy! You had just walked into a company where I had spent two years working my way up, so I felt completely justified.
I expected you to be useless, which would have made things much easier for me!”
She starts laughing, and everyone - including Jere - laughs, too. And so I do what I am expected to do - I chime in even though my heart is somewhat heavy!
“Instead, you came in early, tried way too hard to impress your father and started finding useful things that Steven and I had missed. You clearly wanted to make your mark, even though it was obvious you hated being in an office, wearing a suit. And the more you proved me wrong, the more I wanted to know you.”
I can’t even begin to describe the whirlwind of emotion that is raging inside of me as I hear her speak about this time in his life… A time where he had obviously quickly caught her eye, when she was part of his life in a way that has nothing to do with me… A time I spent at the beach house, planning our wedding and playing mind games with his brother, sometimes with very little understanding of what he was trying to do. And here is Denise… making it painfully obvious that SHE understood.
“It was the most inconvenient feeling of my life.
Somewhere between you leaving Breaker and ending up in my spare room, you became my friend.”
A soft warmth spreads through me when she says this, and I am grateful that he had her, for the way she supported him through what must have been some of the darkest and most difficult months of his life - probably only topped by the time where he lost his mom. And on both occasions, I was a huge - or only, really, for the second - reason why he was hurting! He truly deserved so much better…
“What I didn’t realize was how much you would help me, too! Having somebody there on my worst days, somebody who could make me laugh before I had even finished explaining why I was pissed off, was new for me, you know?
Living with you brought back a side of me I had put to rest, a side of me that I didn’t want anybody to see! I mean the messy one, the one who cries at pet TikToks and wants to sleep in and do absolutely nothing on Sunday mornings.”
A wave of pain washed over me with the image… because that is exactly what he used to do for me, after my injury now whenever there was any kind of setback! He would always know how to make it better! It’s just who he is. And while it is painful that I lost this… It’s incredibly comforting to know that he still kept this part of himself alive, that HE didn’t lose it!
“Now I have those Sunday mornings back.
Even when we lived on opposite coasts, we made all these ridiculous little traditions that were impossibly ours, like FaceTiming while we watched the same shows, playing 1,000 Questions over the phone and taking surprise red-eyes I never thought I would find myself on.
Those few months when we almost gave up, when it just wasn’t feasible to keep trying with a 9-hour-time difference on top of both of us being so incredibly busy, hurt like hell!
But then you packed your bags at the first chance you got, moved your life to where I was, and fought to get what we used to have back… and from there on out, things only got better and better!”
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious before, this is another stab straight into my heart that shows me how much of his life I have missed! Knowing in theory is one thing, having someone, having HER run me through it… is another!
“I promise to tell you the truth, even when you absolutely do not want to hear it! I promise to let you cook for me when I say I’m not hungry because we both know I’m usually lying. I promise to admit when I need you before you have to drag it out of me. I said I promise. I did not say I would be good at it immediately!
You take care of everybody, Jere. You always have. I promise to take care of you, too. When you need me, I’ll show up! I’ll get on the red-eye, I’ll buy more tissues, and I’ll sit with you when you don’t feel like talking. You never have to pretend you’re having a good day with me.”
All of this is incredibly true! Jeremiah Fisher has the biggest heart one could imagine, and he DOES always take care of other people before himself. And while it’s painful to hear, the confirmation that Denise understands, doesn’t take it for granted and does the same for him… it makes me incredibly happy, too!
“When you forget who you are, I promise to remind you that you’re a fucking ten! You are, in every way.”
Damn right he is - I can’t believe that I was dumb enough to let him slip away! Jeremiah looks down at his shoes - still having a hard time taking a compliment like this, and she squeezes his hands, then continues to speak when their eyes lock again.
“I don’t know exactly what the next five years are going to look like, which you know drives me crazy, but I know I want all of them with you. I want the good days, the bad ones, the restaurant openings, the late nights, the ridiculous grocery bills and every argument we’re obviously going to have about tissues.
I love you, Jere!
I still can’t believe Nepo Baby is marrying me.”
Jeremiah - who of course has been crying this whole time she was speaking - starts laughing as she reaches up to his cheek and wipes the trail of tears away. Then he leans in and places a brief, but heartfelt kiss on her lips, whispering something that is for nobody’s ears but her.
Then he straightens his back, still laughing and turns towards the rows of guests to crack a joke:
“Damn, I’m in a puddle already! How the hell am I supposed to compete with THIS?”
Everyone laughs, then he takes a deep breath gathering himself, and then turns to speak to his future wife.
I have no other choice than to tune out, because I can’t risk falling apart - not right here and not right now - by registering every sweet word he says to her. I catch the gist of it though… how he reminisces in the way she was trying to push his buttons during his internship, how it took him a while to understand!
Then he goes on to thank her for the way she took him on, helped him find his purpose without ever making her feel like he was her welfare case… Tells her how proud he is of everything she has achieved and how amazing she is, his words full of honest admiration… before promising her that he will always support her, take care of her…
And even though I am still only half listening, all those little moments, all the little glimpses… painfully remind me of the things I could have had - one last time… as I let them go!
As to be expected at this point, is not a dry eye in attendance from what I can tell, so at least there is that when I can feel the first tears spill out my eyes, for an entirely different reason than for everyone else though!
Because it hurts every bit as much as I expected it to, witnessing the love of my life giving his heart away to someone else! And what makes it worse is that I have nobody else to blame but me: my indecisiveness, my delusion when it came to his brother, the fact that I didn’t understand what I had in him while there was still time…
I am heartbroken, but at the same time, I am, so, SO happy for Jeremiah when he slips the plain gold ring onto Denise's finger, when my brother tells him that me may kiss the bride - for real this time and they both start to laugh as he pulls her in, places his hands on her waist and dips her back before landing his lips on hers for a long and hearty kiss.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Fisher!”
Steven announces, and then Jere lets go of Denise’s waist, takes her hand and lifts both of their hands up in the air in a victory gesture. Then they make their way down the aisle under the continued cheers of their guest, who trail behind them towards the terrace of the venue. Again, I stay behind for a second to collect myself, and I give Taylor a weak smile as she walks past me, squeezing my upper arm, and then - before my mom can comment on the obviously poor state she finds me in, I plaster a smile across my face, pick up Allegra and tell her that she did well, and I feel a little lighter already at the toddler’s happy giggles!
When I finally reach the terrace, I can’t spot Jere and Denise anywhere - they likely have taken off for a little while for a short photoshoot!
Once I dropped Allegra off with her parents, confirming to both Steven and Taylor that I need a moment, but that I’ll be okay, I take a quick stop at the bathroom to fix my makeup, and then I head for the bar…. I really need a drink now, and a strong one for that matter!
I made it through the worst part, even if ripping off the bandaid hurt every bit as much as I expected it to. From here on out, things can only get better!
A vodka tonic in hand, I turn around and almost bump into someone. Someone tall and broad. Someone I can’t recall ever seeing before!
He has brown, curly hair, casually combed back, warm brown eyes, and there is a certain level of concern on his admittedly pretty face.
“You look a rough, everything good?” he asks, and I straighten my back, clear my throat and say:
“I have seen better days…” I sigh. There is no use in pouring my heart out to this handsome stranger, right? Plus I don’t want to seem overly dramatic. He looks nice and charming, and like he actually cares, and maybe a conversation with someone who is not part of my family is exactly what I need right now.
“I’m Angelo… Denise’s cousin…” he introduces himself to me, holding out his hand for me to shake it.
“Isabel… I mean… Belly…” I say, and before I can explain, he gasps:
“OH… the ex… the sister-in-law… Dang!”
The encouraging smile on his face tells me that he’s joking though. Now that he said his name I can recall hearing about him, even though I have never met him in person. He’s good friends with Jeremiah, so he might even have known who I was before I introduced myself. And in a way, I am thankful that he knows - at least I don’t have to explain myself to him!
“Future ex-sister-in-law, in case you haven’t heard…” I smile as I take his hand, and instead of shaking it, he lifts it up to his lips, smiles at me and kisses the back. With a flirty grin, he says:
“Kind of glad to hear that…”
I can feel my cheeks get warm, because how could they not with such an attractive man - probably the second most handsome man beside the groom - flirting with me! I’m not sure how serious he is with this attitude because he gives off a bit of a fruity vibe, but honestly: Right now it is just refreshing and a nice feeling to flirt a little, talk to someone, without any expectations, so I don’t care!
Angelo and I immediately hit it off and talk about all kinds of things, and I can’t help but start wondering what the deal with him is after all because I really enjoy talking to him… Is this even something he would be interested in?
An upbeat song starts playing, and the DJ announces through the microphone:
“Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to our newlyweds…”
The crowd erupts in cheers as Jeremiah and Denise shimmy their way onto the dancefloor to join the celebration. Then Jere pulls Denise into his arms as “Someone Like You” by Van Morrison starts playing and I can’t help but feel happy for the way he loses himself in her. I always hoped he would find someone who could give him all of this, all the things I couldn’t…
I've been travelin' a hard road
Baby, lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waitin' for the light to come shinin' through
Someone like you
Make it all worth while
Someone like you
Make me satisfied
Someone exactly like you
Angelo and I watch them dance in silence, and as the song trickles out, he puts his hand on my waist and my skin starts to tingle when he asks, right next to my ear:
“You okay?”
I turn to look at him, and I can’t help but smile at the warmth in his eyes. Warmth… and if I am not mistaken… a tiny hint of something else…
“Not really…” I admit, but then I smile at him - a real smile this time: “But I will be!”
The music shifts to a more upbeat song now, and more and more people start pouring onto the dancefloor to join the happy couple.
“I’m glad to hear that…” he winks at me, and then extends his hand to me and asks:
“Do you want to dance?”
I take his hand and smile at him again when I say:
“Yes, please!”
…..
In another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
💔Katy Perry 💔