Work Text:
The cheers of fans were drowned out backstage. The goodbyes and thank you were still ringing in everyone's ears. Sweat was still pouring, the adrenaline of the energetic dancing was still burning throughout their bodies, and their throats were still burning after singing for hours. AHOF's first concert at Kuala Lumpur had just concluded with great fanfare. Malaysia FOHA poured out all their feelings of happiness and longing from the previous, canceled schedule. But now, AHOF had to return to South Korea, and face a nearly 7-hour flight. The passenger seats were still the same as when they went to Kuala Lumpur—including Steven, Jeongwoo, and JL's.
Outside, the sky was already dark. The clock had struck midnight. Some members were still awake and exchanging Weverse Direct Messages (DMs) with fans, including Jeongwoo, who chuckled as he read some of the messages he had sent.
Steven hyung told me I couldn't take up more than half of the space there. So I used the armrest like this.
He then sent the message to his fans. Shortly after, a barrage of replies flooded Jeongwoo.
“Just this, Woo.” An interrupting voice from the left made Jeongwoo look up from his phone screen. It was Steven warning him, guiding the older man’s hand over the armrest that separated him and Jeongwoo.
"But I'm the one sitting in the middle, hyung. It should be mine," Jeongwoo grumbled. He felt it was his right, and he should defend it accordingly. So he boldly placed his hand on the armrest.
“Sharing is caring, Woo,” Steven cooed, trying to move Jeongwoo’s arm off the armrest. “I feel cramped with your hand here.”
“That’s hyung’s pain. Go get your hand,” the younger one grew increasingly annoyed.
They pushed and shoved each other's hands. Two men, over 25th, who wouldn't give in for each other's comfort. Steven knew for certain that the armrest, the rightful for the passenger in the middle seat—Jeongwoo was sitting there, but he was only trying to tease his boyfriend.
The incident was captured on Jeongwoo's phone camera. He needed fans to support his choice to claim the armrest.
“Hyung, huh..!” Jeongwoo groaned sharply. He glared at Steven, growing even more annoyed when he saw that Steven was actually laughing at his expression. “Whatever!” Then the video was sent to fans on Weverse DM.
Steven was still laughing innocently. Jeongwoo's annoyed expression was always his favorite. His lover's arm had already moved away. He chose to hold his phone rather than continue the meaningless argument with Steven. "Okay, okay. Come here." Steven gently tugged on Jeongwoo's arm, placed it back on the armrest, and then intertwined their fingers. "It should have been like this all along."
Jeongwoo still had a sullen expression on his face. But his heart couldn't lie; it beat faster, and his cheeks suddenly heated up. A blush crept up there. Steven always knew how to make him flustered. "It should have been like this," he squeaked, then was shocked by his own words. He immediately looked away just as Steven turned his head in his direction in surprise.
“What?” Steven asked, shocked. He was still processing Jeongwoo’s small voice in his head, even though he knew exactly what his boyfriend was saying. He just enjoyed annoying Jeongwoo. “I didn’t hear you. What did you say, Woo? Say it again.”
“What?” Jeongwoo hissed, still looking elsewhere. He glanced to his right and saw JL sleeping, his entire face covered by the hood of his jacket. “Quiet, El is asleep.”
“El won’t wake up if you say one more thing, Woo. What were you saying? I really didn’t hear you,” Steven replied with a chuckle. Then he added, “You just want to hold hands, huh?”
Jeongwoo turned his head quickly and glared. “Don’t say anything weird, Ven!” he said in a panic. The night trip back to South Korea had nearly sent everyone into a dreamland. But now, Jeongwoo was the one being flustered by his boyfriend. Steven’s words weren’t actually filled with dangerous chemicals, but they had sent butterflies into his stomach — he was incredibly flustered because Steven knew exactly what he wanted.
Steven laughed lightly again, gently ruffling Jeongwoo's jet-black hair, and tightening their hand over the armrest. "Oke, oke. Come here, let's sleep," he invited, gently pulling Jeongwoo's head closer to his right shoulder. He knew Jeongwoo was acting awkward, but they were still on a plane, still in a public place. "Sleep well, okay? You must be tired."
Jeongwoo didn't respond. He remained silent as Steven pulled him to lean against his strong shoulder. He was already exhausted after the concert, but deep inside, something had been bothering him ever since they flew to Kuala Lumpur.
Steven glanced at Jeongwoo briefly. He saw that Jeongwoo was silent. Maybe it was because Jeongwoo's long bangs were covering his face, he wasn't sure, but he assumed he was asleep. So he immediately rested his head right on top of his lover's, and drifted off to dreamland.
But Steven was wrong about that.
Jeongwoo's droopy eyes were still open, heavy. He watched JL sleep more soundly, in the exact same sleeping posture as yesterday. Yesterday, when Steven tugged at the blanket of the younger of them, teasing JL in his sleep. It was just the usual behavior of an older sibling to their younger sibling. A common joke between siblings. But for Jeongwoo, something in his chest was throbbing with something.
Yesterday, when they arrived at the hotel, Jeongwoo took the time to scroll through his personal X account and paused for a moment. His tired and curious eyes widened as he read a fan's tweet expressing joy at the siblings moment. The fan simply expressed their happiness after not seeing Steven and JL together for so long.
There's nothing wrong, not even weird thing there. Everyone has their freedom to like the duo they find attractive in any idol group. Jeongwoo didn't deny that. Sometimes he even laughed when reading tweets filled with fans' sweet imaginations. But now, for some reason, he wasn't good enough to lie to himself. It had managed to create an uneasy feeling in his chest for quite some time, and every time it surfaced, his little head was busy questioning his status.
“After all, we met because of this group, hyung. So prioritize the feelings and well-being of this group above all else.”
At the beginning of Jeongwoo and Steven's relationship before they finally bonded as more than just bandmates, he once told Steven about priorities. In the eyes of their seven younger siblings, both of them are the two oldest brothers who are very trusted. So whatever situation they will face in the future, Steven must prioritize his status as the group leader and oldest brother, then Jeongwoo's lover. Plus, in the k-pop idol industry, almost everyone doesn't want a relationship that is more than friends. Steven agrees and has been carrying out Jeongwoo's message for more than a year of their relationship, and he still tries his best to pay attention to Jeongwoo's feelings.
But Jeongwoo, with his gentle and careful approach to those around him, sometimes gets caught up in his own desire for Steven. He's caught up in the uncomfortable feeling in his chest whenever he sees Steven's closeness with the other members, which feels a bit too much—actually it's not.
The K-pop idol industry is like a textbook on royal etiquette that must be studied, and it's completely strange for Jeongwoo. Every aspect of it is like unique food from a part of the country that's impossible to display on a streetside restaurant menu. One aspect is shipping culture between two members of a group, and how it benefits and harms the agency. Agencies have their own priorities and don't care about the genuine romantic relationships within the group.
The nine members have been warned and educated about the shipping culture, and they are living it as fans expect. Jeongwoo also knows which member the agency is pushing to pair him with. The agency's decision also came from the many responses to the duo moments that occurred. The agency does not prohibit other duo moments—outside of the ones they are paired with—even if it creates a wave of discussion among fans, as long as it does not harm the ship they have chosen. Jeongwoo and Steven also often show their closeness in front of fans. The fan response may not be as much as the duo couples that the agency pushes, but their small fanbase has been long enough to piece together the togetherness that has been shown so far.
The man in the blue jacket that perfectly wrapped his body let out a long sigh. The hum of the plane's engines and the soft snores of the passengers, including the sleeping members and staff, collided, providing the background sound for an uncomfortable feeling in his chest. His sleepiness had vanished since he saw JL sleeping soundly. Meanwhile, the six hours remaining from now were the only rest time for AHOF, before they would return to the company to continue the rest schedule on that day.
“You still have to tell Steven hyung. He’s your boyfriend, and he needs to know how you really feel. You don’t want to fight, right? Then just talk.”
Woongki's words from last night briefly echoed in Jeongwoo's mind after he explained the reason for his sudden silence while scrolling through his X account. They were only a year apart in age, and Woongki was already more familiar with how the idol industry worked. So telling the oldest brother in the group about his relationship, was the right decision. Woongki's advice was also quite appropriate.
Jeongwoo sighed again. He stared at the back of the passenger seat directly in front of him. AHOF had been incredibly busy lately, and a frank, heart-to-heart talk between him and Steven would take up a lot of time. Besides, the discomfort would heal with time, as the busy schedule drained his energy and mind. Jeongwoo also knew what he had to do, having encountered a similar situation nearly 365 days ago.
“... You don’t want to fight, right? Then just talk.”
But once again, Woongki's voice played like a broken record in Jeongwoo's head. The heavy desire he had given Steven was once again based on his younger siblings. He didn't want them to feel pressured, if one day he and Steven had a personal argument. Jeongwoo saw that all of his younger siblings had tried their best to maintain their mood in front of the cameras, and the dorm was the only time they could let go of their idol masks for a moment.
Jeongwoo took another deep breath. He decided to open his phone again and search for notes. His plan was to set down everything he wanted to say to Steven, and then send it once the internet connection is back online after take-off.
The sound of tapping on the screen began to fade. The minutes passed quickly, and sleepiness slowly crept back into Jeongwoo. Hurriedly, the tall man finished his last sentence. But sleep had already fully set in, and without realizing it, he fell asleep with his phone screen on.
Unbeknownst to Jeongwoo, Steven had quietly woken up. He was disturbed by the sound of his lover's steady breathing, as if the heavy feelings or disturbing thoughts in his head were too difficult to let go.
Steven felt his shoulders weigh down. Jeongwoo had finally entered dreamland. His eyes glanced at his lover, and accidentally noticed Jeongwoo's still-lit phone screen. The phone almost fell, but quickly and carefully without waking its owner, Steven picked it up. As he was about to put the phone in his jacket pocket, the still-lit screen captured a line of words and his name appeared on it several times. He was surprised, and began to read it carefully.
The cold silence of the plane enveloped Steven. His fingertips trembled slightly, holding the weight of Jeongwoo's phone in his hand, as well as the burden of their relationship over the past one and a half years—including the one just a few hours ago. With every word he read, it was as if Steven could hear Jeongwoo's soft, honest voice. His eyes strained to observe the carefully crafted sentences.
Jeongwoo truly loved him. He also loved their careers and their siblings. Jeongwoo's love was so great, that Steven forgot that Jeongwoo also needed to love himself.
Steven forgot that Jeongwoo was born of love and should also be loved as much as his feelings of love—which should also come from him, his career, and their younger siblings.
Now it was Steven's turn to take a deep breath. He had read Jeongwoo's sincere paragraphs of heartfelt words to everyone. His head turned over all the memories of these past months. When they hugged to encourage each other, praised each other's hard work, laughed together hearing Woongki and JL's stories, threw glances ready to tease Juwon, lectured Daisuke's choice of food without vegetables, listened intently to Chihen and Shuaibo's conversation in Mandarin that they completely didn't understand, enjoyed all of Han's cooking without protest, sought each other out in the crowd and then stood side by side for a while without realizing it, Steven embracing Jeongwoo like a koala when he felt tired in the middle of a performance schedule, Jeongwoo spontaneously hugging him from behind when he was nervous; embarrassed; or just because he wanted to, and many more. Everything was like a documentary in Steven's mind.
Another long sigh was heard, ending the playback of scenes from Steven and Jeongwoo's relationship. With a heart full of love and sincerity, Steven reciprocated Jeongwoo's feelings. Steven was well aware of Jeongwoo's habit of typing in his phone notes before sending them. So without further thought, he typed his current feelings in the same notes.
Their relationship has been one and a half years, exactly eight days after Steven's birthday. Steven just realized now, that his feelings of love are not as complete and perfect as Jeongwoo's. He just realized that Jeongwoo's love is so big and that it actually makes Jeongwoo lack love for himself. Their group will still be a priority according to Jeongwoo's wishes, he will still defend his younger siblings as long as they are right, but love for Jeongwoo will be the first to be watered every day, whether in the simplest or extraordinary ways. Steven promised that he would fill Jeongwoo's love tank for himself.
My love, how are you today? Hehehe sorry, this is so small talk, even though I clearly know how you are all day. My love, you have been so cool today, you have become our great eldest brother, our cool leader. You are always enough for whatever you have tried all day. Actually, I could say this directly to you, and I know you must be tired reading this long writing. But Ven, I'm not sure I have much time to express this to you. You always say, whatever is bothering us both, we have to talk about it, right? Me sending this message is also part of chatting, right? Hehehe. Yes, yes.
Do you remember how I once told you that nine should be your priority, even if I'm fighting with you? I know you remember it, you're not that old. I still remember that, and I admire you for truly living up to that promise to this day. Thank you, my love.
But Ven, hehehe, sorry. It seems like I'm the one who's wavering with my words. I've convinced myself that I don't want, especially Daisuke, to feel uncomfortable among his eight siblings from different countries, if we fight. I've also tried to divert my thoughts, to think about Juwon and Hani's feeling that is also the firstborn like me, if we as the firstborn have one or two older siblings, it makes us really happy, and we don't want to miss even the slightest precious moment. I try to appreciate everything that's happened recently between you and me, or the two of us with our younger brother. In fact, I still laugh every time I read a tweet or see a nice fans's edit.
But my anxiety keeps coming back, Ven. I'm sorry. I don't want to make you think or worry about my uncomfortable feelings. I've felt this way many times, but I wonder why this one is making me so uncomfortable.
Ven, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I was jealous when I saw your and El's fan tweets on x last night. I'm sorry if I was jealous of your pranks, even though you seem to be more often pranking me. I'm sorry, Ven.
I told Woongki about this last night, and he suggested me to talk with you about it. I don't want us to fight because I'm jealous over something so trivial. I love El, I love you, I love all our siblings, and I love everything that's happened between us. I don't want my jealousy to make me miss out on some of our precious moments. I'm sorry, Ven.
Hey, my love. I'm sorry I took your phone and accidentally read what you wrote here. But if I don't read it now, I don't know when I'll know how you feel about what happened yesterday.
I'm always fine, my love. As long as I'm around you, I feel like I can always get through anything. Thank you, Woo, for always being the first person to appreciate how tired I am, even when I haven't done much all day. You're amazing too, Woo. You're a great boyfriend, a great brother, and a great friend to all of us. Thank you, my love.
Sorry Woo, if our busy schedules make it hard for you to even talk much with me. When was the last time we went on a date? April? May? I miss going on dates every weekend with you. I miss you always having a long list of good cafes near the apartment, then rolling around inviting other members. I remember you once said that Woongki Shuaibo liked listening to our date stories, right? I never thought they were even waiting for us to go on a date too. So keep calling and looking for me, whenever you want, we can talk. I will always try to do that, my love.
Your message at the beginning of our relationship, is a reminder every morning I wake up, Woo. Every time I see the other members playing around you, the other members practicing until our bones feel crushed, every time we all chat; joke around; or even complain about being tired, with you, I always remember your message, Woo. Like you said, I'm not that old to forget.
But it turns out that's what's been secretly hurting you. It really hurts, doesn't it, love? I'm sorry I never realized. I'm sorry I never asked if you were okay. I'm sorry I never wanted to consider your message further when I said yes. Sorry Jeongwoo, sorry. You were never wrong for feeling that pain, Woo. Your feelings of affection, love, and heartache are always valid. Remember when I said, I can't control my feelings for you? Same, Woo. Your feelings of heartache, too, can't be controlled. You have the right to feel that, and you don't have the obligation to get rid of that pain alone. You have me. You can always tell me all your feelings, not just the happy ones, but the uncomfortable ones too. You can share them with me, Woo.
I also have many lack, Woo, in our relationship. I always thought you were fine, and I would be fine as long as I was around you. I always remembered your message, and thought that since it was your own desire, you would also feel fine. I always felt that as long as I went along with what you wanted and desired at that time, it meant that the love I gave you was enough. But it turns out I was very wrong. I forgot that besides me, the other members and all the good people around you, there was also yourself who needed to be loved completely. I never knew how many times you had to hold back your valid jealousy. I never saw how many times you held back from hugging me when you cried on stage, just not wanting everyone to think our relationship was too much. I never realized how many times you wanted us to be in the same car, but because we were the first two older siblings who had to accompany our younger siblings, we were forced to drive separately over and over again. I didn't realize enough to know, that you always looked for my shoulder, every time you fought off sleep in the middle of our schedule. Sorry, Woo. I'm sorry I never thought that you would be tired of going through all of this alone, while I kept convincing myself that you would give in for the sake of the others. I'm sorry, my love.
From now on, whenever you're sad, angry, or jealous, please share it with me, Woo. Tell me everything, okay? No matter how long it takes, I'm ready to listen to everything that's in your heart. I can only see your expression, but I can't see deeper into what you feel. Please teach me to be more considerate, my love, especially to your feelings for me. I always love you, including the version of you that you don't allow the world to see.
Thank you for being my greatest love. I love you, Jeongwoo.
Jeongwoo stared intently at his phone screen. Warm, clear tears were already rolling down his milky white cheeks. The man with the droopy eyes had just read Steven's reply in his phone notes, which he had planned to send to Steven. His heart warmed, a feeling of emotion welling up there. He never knew his lover could write such a long message, with such sincerity and pure honesty.
The nine members have arrived in South Korea. They were given some extra time to rest before returning to the company to resume the remaining schedule for the day.
The hot sun had risen, seeping in through the window curtains in the rooms belonging to the three members—Steven, Han, and Chihen. Han and Chihen were spending time outside with the other members, leaving the two oldest members to spend time alone in the dorm—which was actually also part of Woongki's idea. He was the one who wanted them to talk the most, to pour out their hearts. But who would have thought, that conversation with voice turned out to be more than enough through a long message on Jeongwoo's phone notes that Steven accidentally read.
Now Jeongwoo knew what his own lack were in their relationship. He knew that his silence had the right to be conveyed to Steven. He knew that no matter how adept Steven was at analyzing people's expressions, his lover still couldn't grasp what lay deep within their hearts. He knew what could be improved in their relationship, despite its many flaws.
“Thank you, love.” Jeongwoo’s droopy eyes glanced at Steven through the mirror on a closet. They leaned their heads against each other—him leaning on Steven’s shoulder and Steven leaning right on top of his head.
“I should be the one saying that,” Steven replied softly. He took Jeongwoo’s fingers and intertwined them. Warm, soft, just like Jeongwoo. “You always try to be okay, even though you’re not. You always smile, even though you’re secretly hurting. Don’t do that again, love…”
Jeongwoo chuckled. “I’m really fine, Ven. Just because I said there, I often feel it, doesn’t mean I’m completely hurt, Ven. I do feel it often, but mostly I know our role in front of other members, their older brother, friend, parent to them.”
“Yes, Woo. I understand that. But holding in those uncomfortable feelings isn’t good for you.” Steven lifted their intertwined hands and brought the back of Jeongwoo’s hand to his lips. He kissed him softly. “From now on, tell me everything you feel, Jeongwoo. All your anger, your jealousy, your sadness. I want to hear it all. I don’t want to let the person I love the most lose himself just because he feels fine.”
“Yes, Ven, thank you. I try to always tell you.” Jeongwoo lifted his head from Steven’s shoulder. He looked straight at his lover. There were so many hidden feelings radiating from Steven’s fox eyes, and they all warmed Jeongwoo’s heart in the softest way.
Mwah!
Jeongwoo stepped back for a moment—after kiss Steven's cheek and laughed softly, noticing the blush appearing on Steven's cheeks. "Please remind me to love myself, Ven," he said softly.
Jeongwoo's brief yet gentle kiss sent a jolt through Steven's body. He took a deep breath before returning the kiss, right on Jeongwoo's lips. "Always, Woo. Forever, I will fill your love with my own. So please accompany me to improve my consideration too, love."
End.