Work Text:
Wile E. Coyote had gone his entire 77 years of life fully convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that nobody in the entire world cared about him.
And then, he found out he was wrong.
His worldview had first begun to shift thanks to his newest friends, Kevin and Paige. At the beginning of his adventure, Coyote had assumed that, once his plan to catch Roadrunner in court succeeded—or failed—realistically, failure was more likely, but he preferred to be optimistic—he would never see the lawyer and his intern again. They would move onto their next client, and, just as quickly, Coyote himself would move onto his next plan—or finally eating Roadrunner—preferably the latter. To his utter shock, they ultimately put the entire law firm on the line just to bring him justice, and, on top of that, they were eager to keep in touch with him once the trial was over.
Yes, over those few weeks, Kevin and Paige had turned Wile E.’s whole world upside down…
But, in under two minutes—he was fast as hell at everything he did—Roadrunner had turned it inside out.
Wile E. Coyote had gone his entire 77 years of life fully convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Roadrunner got a sick enjoyment out of watching him suffer again and again.
And then, he found out he was wrong.
He was about to finally catch his lifelong nemesis. His claw was less than an inch away from the button.
Kevin asked, “Mr. Runner, have you been a witness to Mr. Coyote’s pain and suffering?”
Roadrunner did not give the answer Wile E. was expecting.
He froze. A strange warmth formed in his chest.
Roadrunner gave a look of genuine concern.
The unfamiliar feeling grew.
Kevin asked Roadrunner, “Would you call him a friend?”
“Meep meep”—another “yes”.
Tears pooled in Wile E.’s eyes.
Roadrunner asked Wile E. in morse code, “Are you coming back?”
Wile E. was speechless, overcome by that weird warm sensation making him cry in front of everyone.
Roadrunner smiled directly at him.
And then, the realization hit harder than a truck full of anvils. He thought to himself:
“Is this what it’s like to feel loved?”
From that moment on, he could never see his rival the same.
He tried to.
He really tried to.
He bottled up those pesky feelings as tightly as he possibly could.
After all, they brought him nothing but deep shame.
But, once Wile E. returned to the desert and the usual chase continued, Roadrunner was more… affectionate?
He would draw little hearts on his signs.
He would wink or blow a kiss before running off.
And, sometimes, he would leave a single feather or even a desert rose in his wake.
For the first few months, Coyote assumed it was all a ploy. Roadrunner would woo him into making a move and then shoot him down and mock him, mortifying him for life. Sure, the bird considered him a friend, but he was always fond of pranks and sometimes took them too far.
But then, one evening, ready to put a stop to the cruel game, Coyote angrily held up a rose and asked:
[ WHY? ]
And Roadrunner responded:
[ I DIDN’T REALIZE UNTIL YOU WERE GONE… ]
Wile E. raised an eyebrow. Roadrunner flipped the sign, revealing the answer Wile E. least expected (but secretly hoped for) surrounded by at least a dozen hearts:
[ I’VE LIKE-LIKED YOU FOR DECADES! ]
To his own dismay, Wile E.’s face turned bright red and his pupils turned to hearts, but, thankfully, his crush future meal had dashed into the sunset without waiting for a reaction.
He really wished Roadrunner would stop uncorking the bottle.
But, at the same time, he wished Roadrunner would smash that bottle to pieces by giving him a passionate–
No. Back in the bottle. And reinforce the bottle with steel. Roadrunners are food, not mates.
The forbidden feelings came to a head about a year after the trial. Wile E. was in the city with Kevin and Paige. The three of them were trying out a new outdoor restaurant with a sunset view. While Wile E. scarfed down chicken wings that he wished were Roadrunner wings, Paige asked her uncle, “Are you, by any chance, interested in finding love? No offense, but you’ve been single forever and I’ve been wondering whether you can’t or just aren’t interested. Because, if you need help, I can set you up with someone! I have plenty of lonely lawyer friends–”
Kevin held his hands out. “Uh uh uh. None of that.”
Paige fell silent.
“Dating’s just–” Kevin cringed– “not for me. I’m married to my job.”
“Married to your job…” Paige repeated. “I respect that.” When she hesitated for a moment, Wile E.’s heart leapt, and then, his fear came true. “How about you, Wile E.?”
Wile E. fumbled for a second before whipping out one of his signs:
[ SAME ]
“Oh, of course!” Paige chuckled. “That would be a huge distraction from catching the Roadrunner!” She paused for a moment, but, before Wile E. could breathe a sigh of relief, she just had to add, “Unless…”
Comically large sweat droplets stained the tablecloth.
Paige’s face fell. “Oh… Uh… Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
As the clock neared midnight and Coyote stared up at the ceiling of his cave, he wished more than anything that he could forget.
“I’m married to my job.”
[ SAME ]
He could not help but wonder what it would be like if he were literally married to his job.
If he… married Roadrunner?
They had spent almost every day together for longer than his human friends had even been alive, so, technically it was almost as though they were already…
What a stupid thing to wonder.
He was not going to marry his prey!
He was going to catch Roadrunner.
Someday soon.
Maybe tomorrow.
When tomorrow came, Coyote was awoken by a very loud “MEEP MEEP!” right outside his cave. He leapt off of his mattress in shock, causing his body to splat against the ceiling. He peeled himself off and stormed outside to find a familiar bird holding an ominous sign while sporting a huge smirk.
[I KNOW YOUR SECRET]
Secret? What secret? Coyote crossed his arms and firmly shook his head.
Roadrunner flipped his sign around.
[ YOU LIKE-LIKE ME ]
Wile E.’s face turned bright red, but he continued to shake his head while trying to push his pounding heart back into his chest. Roadrunner winked, stuck out his tongue a few times, and zoomed away, leaving an extremely flustered Wile E. in a plume of dust.
Once Coyote managed to recollect himself, the chase continued as usual. For the next several hours, he came up with various ideas, drew blueprints, gathered supplies, and put his plans into action. As usual, every single one of them failed, but Coyote was far from giving up.
And then, while Coyote was in a self-shaped crater, Roadrunner had the sheer audacity to crane his neck over the crater, stare down at him with a smile, and then hold up a sign. Due to his unfortunate angle, it appeared upside down, but he was able to read it regardless.
[ ADMIT IT AND I’LL LET YOU CATCH ME ]
Wile E.’s eyes popped out of his head. For just a moment, he considered it. After all, if Roadrunner held up his end of the deal, his only witness would be cooked and eaten by the end of the day. However, it seemed too good to be true. Surely, the bird was not so lovesick that he would throw his life away just for a confession. It had to be a trick.
[ I HAVE NOTHING TO ADMIT ]
Roadrunner’s smile disappeared, and then, he sped off without another word.
Wile E. hated that he worried about hurting Roadrunner’s feelings. He briefly considered conceding that Roadrunner was right about his taboo crush, but, thankfully, his worries were put to rest before he acted recklessly. Less than an hour after the rejection, he found Roadrunner speeding around and meeping joyfully. He was never one to be sad for long. Coyote set up a trap and the typical routine continued like nothing had happened…
Or so he thought.
He chased his erratically-moving prey forward and backward and around in loops and up a mountain until they finally reached a cliff. Roadrunner stepped to the side, Coyote was unable to stop on time, and, next thing he knew, he was seconds away from belly-flopping into the ground. But the view from so high up made him realize something: The tracks from their chase had formed a drawing in the sand. It was of Wile E.’s own face, with a big heart around it.
He landed in his own eye.
After a few seconds, the pain started to fade and he shakily stood up. Across from him was a certain someone, once again holding that sign.
[ ADMIT IT AND I’LL LET YOU CATCH ME ]
Wile E. shook his head. Roadrunner flipped the sign and tapped it for emphasis.
[ IT’S SO OBVIOUS ]
What ensued was, for lack of better words, a sign war.
[ HOW? ]
[ YOUR FACE TURNS RED ]
[ SUNBURN ]
[ YOUR HEART BEATS OUT OF YOUR CHEST ]
[ HIGH CHOLESTEROL ]
[ YOUR PUPILS BECOME HEART-SHAPED ]
[ DUE FOR AN EYE EXAM ]
[ YOU KEEP EVERY FEATHER AND EVERY ROSE ]
[ HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? ]
[ I MAY HAVE WANDERED INTO YOUR CAVE YESTERDAY EVENING ]
[ STALKER ]
[ I MISSED YOU ]
[ IT WAS ONLY A FEW HOURS ]
[ I ALWAYS GET SCARED YOU WON’T COME BACK ]
Tears formed in the eyes of both toons. Wile E. looked down at his last remaining sign. He had more at home, but, at that moment, he could only say one more thing. And he knew exactly what needed to be said. With his face quickly reddening and his eyes fixed to the ground, Wile E. shakily held up his message:
[ PLEASE DON’T WORRY ]
And, when he flipped it around, his entire body tensed as though bracing for a dynamite explosion:
[ I LOVE YOU ]
He remained frozen for a long moment, too ashamed to look up until a gentle “meep meep” coaxed him into doing so. Roadrunner’s cheeks were tinted red, his smile was wider than Wile E. had ever seen, and on his sign, which was absolutely plastered with hearts, was the following message:
[ I LOVE YOU TOO ]
And, next thing Wile E. knew, Roadrunner had leapt into his arms. Surprisingly, it was not the first time that had happened. That was on Heartbreak Bridge back in 2011. But, this time, it was the exact opposite of heartbreak.
He stared down in disbelief. Had he just caught Roadrunner? He cautiously took a few steps forward, expecting him to jump out of his arms and run away, but he just smirked and reused one of his recent signs:
[ YOUR PUPILS BECOME HEART-SHAPED ]
Wile E.'s face steamed. What had he gotten himself into? He walked faster. He had to get home. Home, where he would…
Eat his prey…
A knot formed in his stomach.
But why?
He had waited almost 80 years for the meal before him. He should have been drooling and dreaming of drumsticks. He should have been looking forward to surprising Kevin with a delicious stew. He should have been hoping that his father was finally smiling up at him from Hell.
Who was he kidding? His father would just hate him even more. After all, he had just told his prey that he loved him!
Wile E. Coyote had just confessed his love to the Roadrunner.
If anyone else found out, he would die from shame on the spot.
Not only would eating Roadrunner complete his decades-long dream; it would also eliminate his lovesickness entirely. No Roadrunner, no disgusting feelings… right?
As the sky began to darken, Coyote finally arrived back home. He considered tying up Roadrunner so he would not run away, but, for some reason, he decided to just let him wait next to the firepit while he unloaded his gadgets and fetched a few more signs. When he returned to the kitchen and found his dinner rummaging through a drawer, his heart sank, almost as though he had hoped he would run away. He watched in somber silence as Roadrunner looked through a few more drawers, scattering a variety of items onto the ground in the process, before pulling out a fork and knife and holding them out for Wile E. to take.
This was it. The moment he had waited his entire life for. He had caught Roadrunner, and now, it was time to finally eat him. His hands trembled as he took the fork and knife. He gazed at his beloved’s kind eyes and gentle smile. That bird was so smitten that he was willing to sacrifice himself, and he did not seem scared of his impending death in the slightest. If anything, he looked… eager? Who would have thought that the successful trap would not require any genius; only love? Unless…
As Wile E. continued to stare, shaking, fighting back tears, feeling less hungry than he ever had in his life, he wondered who was really the one trapped.
Finally, he surrendered. His utensils hit the ground with a clang.
[ I’M NOT HUNGRY ]
As Wile E. had dreaded, Roadrunner’s soft smile grew into a mischievous smirk.
[ I DIDN’T THINK SO ]
He flipped his sign and Wile E.’s heart pounded mercilessly once more.
[ CATCH = EAT ✖️
CATCH = KISS ✔️ ]
Wile E. pinched himself. Somehow, he was not dreaming. A lovesick grin invited itself onto his red hot face. He pulled out a sign but found that he was too flustered to think of an answer.
“Meep meep!”
Wile E. put the sign away and looked back up at Roadrunner, who, without hesitation, planted a passionate kiss right on his lips. Immediately, Wile E. knew for certain that Roadrunner had, in fact, loved him for decades. He had not known it was possible for someone—much less him—to feel so loved. The bottle finally shattered, steel reinforcements and all. In that moment, nothing else mattered; only the intense love that coursed through his entire body. Even if everyone else in the world hated Wile E., it would make no difference to him as long as Roadrunner loved him.
When they broke the kiss, a blushing Roadrunner smiled warmly for just a second before zooming off, leaving a bright red rose at Wile E.’s feet. For a full minute, he was too stunned to move a muscle, and then, it took him several more minutes and multiple more pinches to fully process what had just happened. Once he was finally able to function, he added the rose to his collection, then put a message on his sign that he hoped to show Roadrunner the very next day, when the lifelong chase—their lifelong partnership—continued:
[ THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING ]
One week later, Wile E. met up with Kevin and Paige again. As always, Kevin asked, “Did you catch the Roadrunner?” and, as always, Wile E. shook his head in response.
Except, this time, he could not help but grin.
Still not entirely over his shame—that would likely take years to fully overcome—he refused to explain why he was in such a good mood. Kevin responded, “Whatever it is, I’m happy that you’re happy,” but, noticing him slip Paige $20 under the table right after, Wile E. had a feeling they had both caught onto his secret. At first, he was mortified, but, oddly enough, it seemed Kevin had told the truth. He and Paige were also in a brighter mood than usual, for no apparent reason other than the fact that Wile E. was so happy. Could it really be? Everyone was happy?
Everyone was happy.