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Erin wasn’t usually the type to get drunk, especially not to the extent she currently was. She could hold her liquor reasonably well, and generally only drank on occasion, to unwind with her friends or to blend in during social functions.
But even she had her breaking points. Some occasions in life just called for alcohol. Copious amounts of it, in fact. It were the type of occasions that called for downing an entire bottle of wine in the span of an hour, while listening to Taylor Swift music and crying over missed opportunities like an angsty, heartbroken teenager.
(In Erin’s defence, she’d never actually gotten to have her heart this spectacularly broken as a teenager. It was only fair she catch up now.)
“I'm in my room, it's a typical Tuesday night. I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like.”
As she mumbled along, taking another swig of the near-empty bottle of store brand red wine, Erin felt herself laugh bitterly at how apt the lyrics were to her current situation. Sure, it was a Friday night rather than a Tuesday night, and Erin getting drunk wasn’t exactly typical, but she had no doubt that a certain brunette wouldn’t be able to appreciate this type of music.
Jennifer Lynch had never struck her as the playful type.
Meanwhile, Erin was the type of woman who knew these lyrics by heart at this point, something which made her glad she was alone for the weekend. She knew her friends knew about her love for Taylor Swift at this point – and had had most their fun mocking her about it already – but she still felt a little self-conscious about it all. Especially considering she was currently looking like quite the mess.
Leaning against her desk, her thoughts drifted from Abby, who was enjoying a night out, to Patty, who was visiting family, back to the person who had caused this mess to begin with.
Jillian Holtzmann. Nuclear engineer, Virgo, self-proclaimed avid skier, and quite honestly the most amazing woman Erin had ever met.
Also, incidentally, the current girlfriend of one Jennifer Lynch.
“If you can see I'm the one who understands you. Been here all along so why can't you see, you belong with me, you belong with me…”
Erin couldn’t be bothered to wipe away a few stray tears, her heart breaking all over again as she mumbled along, the realization Holtzmann was currently with said girlfriend hitting her like a freight train. Especially considering Erin had no one to blame for her current situation but herself.
She knew exactly where she’d gone wrong. In fact, everyone knew exactly where she’d gone wrong. It had been the day Rebecca Gorin had come to visit, the day Holtzmann had so proudly proclaimed that she and Erin were dating.
The day Erin had so fervently denied that, breaking Holtzmann’s heart in the process.
The moment the words had escaped her lips, she’d known it had been the wrong thing to say. But by then, it was too late to take it all back, Erin still too scared to admit the true extent of her feelings for Holtzmann. She’d beat herself up over that all day, for all of the rest of the night, not yet knowing she’d be beating herself up over this for weeks to come.
Because the next day, when Erin had been more than ready to apologize, Holtzmann had come striding into the lab, proudly proclaiming she’d gotten back together with her former ex. And she had looked so happy in that moment, so radiant, that Erin had swallowed those apologies down, swallowed whatever feelings she had down, and pretended to be happy for Holtzmann.
Even if deep inside, her heart was slowly breaking into a million pieces.
And so, here she was; drunk, crying, and finding solace in the fact that at least Taylor Swift had at some point felt the same way she had, the song that was currently blasting through the speakers resonating with her in the most perfect way.
“And I know your favorite songs, and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong, I think I know it’s with me”
As she did, she had no idea the person she was pretend-singing to was currently walking up the stairs to the lab. The engineer having just gotten done with a minor spat and conversation with her girlfriend. While they had agreed they both needed some time to cool off after that, they had also made other agreements. Holtzmann had agreed to tone down the level of crazy she had, and Jennifer had agreed to lighten up and actually have fun once in a while; something the other woman hadn’t done since they dated in college.
As she trudged up the stairs, ready to distract herself by burying herself in her work, she noted the unfamiliar music blaring from the lab. Identifying it as Taylor Swift a few seconds later, she realized that could really only mean one thing; Erin was here.
The engineer poked her head in, looking around to try and find the other woman. She walked over to her sound system to turn it down just slightly as she called for Erin in the dimly lit room.
“Erin?”
The physicist, for her part, was too far gone to recognize the voice, only vaguely realizing the volume had been turned down by someone. Erin looked around to find the cause of the sudden disturbance, more than a little annoyed at whomever it was that had messed with her sound system.
(She suspected it was Abby. None of the other Ghostbusters had any reason to be here, after all)
“Abbyyyyy!” Erin whined, taking a few tries to scramble up from the floor. “’S my turn in the lab! Let me!”
The engineer had just rounded the corner when she heard the voice, noting how slurred it was. Whatever was going on with Erin, it was clear the redhead had been drinking. Which was why it didn’t surprise Holtzmann that she nearly collided with Erin.
“Whoa there!” She spoke, reaching out and catching Erin before any damage could be done. The engineer immediately pushed Erin’s hair out of her face, noticing just how drunk she was. Holtzmann had never seen her this far gone before, and she couldn’t help but wonder what had caused all of this.
Even as she did, though, she noticed Erin wouldn’t look at her. The physicist seemed a little disoriented still, mumbling something that vaguely sounded like ‘You’re not Abby.’
“I’m not.” Holtzmann chuckled, even as she sounded a little worried for the physicist still in her arms. “You doin’ alright there, ErBear?”
Erin nodded in response, even as she tried to push Holtzmann away. Because out of it as she was, she’d be able to recognize the familiar scent of motor oil and cinnamon anywhere, no matter her condition. It was just so uniquely Holtzmann, Erin wanted to be surrounded by it forever.
Except she couldn’t. Not anymore. Because she’d missed her chance. And it was that exact realization that made her try to push Holtzmann away, her hands weak against the blonde’s shoulders.
“’m fine! Just peachy!” She slurred, her attempts of getting away from Holtzmann only becoming more half-hearted. “I’m just really fucking heartbroken because I’m an idiot and I keep messing up, but hey, that’s just me, right? It’s normal, so I’m fine! Just go back to your girlfriend.”
She spat out that last word with a surprising amount of venom considering how drunk she was, the tears still burning in her eyes not going unnoticed by Holtzmann, who had been quite taken aback at the fact Erin was actually being physical with her. Still, she helped the physicist up from the ground before letting her go, looking at Erin with concern on her face. She could see that there was a lot going on for the taller woman, but Holtzmann’s face fell when the words reached her ears.
Even though Erin was drunk, she had heard every one clear as a bell.
“Erin… talk to me. You know you can talk to me.” It wasn’t difficult for Holtzmann to sense that something was seriously wrong, and the mention of her girlfriend had only made things more confusing…
Erin just stepped away, nearly tripping over her own feet again but somehow managing to stay upright.
“Except I can’t, can I?!” She could feel the tears streaming down her face again, Erin wiping them away with the sleeves of her blazer. “Not about this! Because you’re happy, and god you’re so pretty when you’re happy. I mean, you’re always pretty but your smile is just the most beautiful thing in the entire world.”
Erin slumped back against her desk, looking at the empty wine bottle in dismay, suddenly wishing she had more alcohol here. Part of her told her she probably had to shut up right about now, but it seemed her filter was already passed out on a couch somewhere.
“Just forget it, Holtzmann. I’m wallowing. And unless you have more wine not even your pretty face can make this better.”
Holtzmann followed Erin as she spoke, half making sure she didn’t trip again and the other half…
Well, she just wanted to hear this for herself before something else happened that would leave them both in the dark. She tried to push her thoughts to Jennifer and the fact that she was still hoping Holtzmann would make it over tonight sometime, if they were even still a thing after their spat anyway. Even if she didn’t really want to believe what she was hearing.
“If I’ve done something to offend you… you can totally slap me.” She walked around to take a seat on Erin’s desk, looking over at her with great concern and mild panic. “And… I don’t think you know how much you brighten every room you’re in.”
“Fuck you.” Erin grumbled in response, turning to look at Holtzmann with tear-stained cheeks. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to sit there and act like you care and say those things and make me laugh and make me love you and then go to her. Because if you keep doing that then you shouldn’t be with her, you should be with me.”
And that opened the floodgates, Erin properly turning around to Holtzmann and fixing her with a piercing gaze. She was vaguely aware of how petty she sounded, how childish, but in her intoxicated state, she didn’t care at all.
“I wanted you to pick me! I wanted you to date me, choose me, love me. But you didn’t. You didn’t because I got scared and I messed up and then I wanted to apologize but then you fucking waltz in here and announce you’re dating Jennifer fucking Lynch, and then what’s even the point in me apologizing?! Because obviously you loved her anyway or you wouldn’t have fallen into bed with her as soon as you had!”
Holtzmann was surprised Erin’s words sounded even remotely coherent as she was ranted at, the tears falling down the physicist’s face the entire time. The engineer tried to explain herself as Erin yelled at her. Tried to say that Jennifer was comfortable and really they had only been dating barely a month, that they really couldn’t be called a couple and half the time they were re-hashing things left unsaid in the past… but Erin was still going on, every word hitting Holtzmann like a brick.
“But it hurts, Holtzmann! It fucking hurts because I love you! I love you and I want you and I’ve got no one to blame for this but myself because I fucked up. I fucked up and I missed my chance and part of me is really glad for that because at least this way it saves me the humiliation of being shot down by you, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t. Fucking. Hurt! Because you’re still here every day with that gorgeous smile and your brilliant mind and your pretty face and your winks and I just want to kiss you and make you happy and I can’t! I can’t because you’re not mine and you don’t love me and you never will! So all I can do is try not to cry every single time you’re near me and pretend I’m not fucking dying inside every time you mention her name because it should be me! It should be me, dammit!”
Erin’s voice broke during that last admission, and she was full-on crying now, undoubtedly looking like quite the sight. Holtzmann could only stare at her for a moment, at a loss for words as the words slowly sank in.
Erin wanted her, actually wanted her. She hadn’t been just humoring her flirtations all that time. Holtzmann hadn’t expected that one bit. She had expected a slap, she really had, and she was still surprised she hadn’t been full-on punched with the way Erin was talking.
Holtzmann stared for another moment, before slipping off of Erin’s desk in a quick motion and ending up standing on the floor in front of her. She leaned down to look at Erin better, words left unsaid and instead she let other things control her.
She didn’t even bother wiping away Erin’s tears as she gripped the physicist roughly and silenced her with a hard kiss, one hand on the collar of her shirt and the other threaded firmly into the taller woman’s hair, only speaking again when she broke to breathe.
“Then shut up and kiss me already. Stop beating yourself up and kiss me. Dammit, Erin, kiss me!”
Erin’s alcohol-muddled brain had to take a few moments to catch up, and by the time it had, Holtzmann was just staring at her, her words ringing in Erin’s ears. And even then, Erin had to take a second to blink, open her mouth, then close it again, the filter portion of her brain clearly still out cold as she gripped Holtzmann by the lapels of her jacket and crashing their lips together.
It was desperate, and needy, and more than a little sloppy with Erin’s current status of intoxication, but it also felt really incredibly right. Erin was kissing Holtzmann like her life depended on it, like this was probably the only time she’d get to do this and if it was, she was going to make it fucking count.
Screw Jennifer, screw public opinion, screw everything else.
It didn’t matter if Holtzmann was going to go back to someone else after this. The engineer had kissed her first. And while Erin wasn’t about to be someone’s exception, someone’s side-piece, she wanted at least a taste of what she would be missing out on the rest of her life.
Holtzmann roughly pulled Erin up in response, pinning the taller woman against her own whiteboard, not really caring if they were knocking over anything in the moment. The engineer gripped Erin hard, not letting go at all during the transfer and definitely not letting her go in this moment. It was like months and months of tension was being let out in one action.
Nothing else mattered to Holtzmann, absolutely nothing. There was only Erin.
If Erin’s low moan was anything to go by, the physicist felt much the same, especially as the engineer found the other woman holding on to her even tighter. Even in Erin’s drunken state, kissing her was an experience. It was all desperation, all primal need, all clearly intended as a last-ditch effort to make her case that Holtzmann should want her, not Jennifer.
Speaking of Jennifer…
The sensation of her phone buzzing in her pocket caused them to break apart, Holtzmann fishing the item out with a growl, answering it as reality slowly came crashing down around Erin again.
Of course. Because no matter how badly she wanted it to be otherwise, Holtzmann still wasn’t hers. And she probably never would be.
She pushed Holtzmann away in response, somehow managing to do so despite her sluggish and drunken state. As Holtzmann spoke on the phone, Erin made her way over to the couch, flopping down there with a loud groan as she chastised herself.
That’s what she got for making decisions when she was drunk. That’s what she got for not locking the door to the lab. Drunken mistakes with the sober woman whose heart belonged to another.
(If she had been paying any form of attention, she would have noticed Holtzmann’s half of that phone conversation. If she had been paying any attention, she would have known Holtzmann was currently breaking up with Jennifer, exchanging pleasantries and promising to keep in touch and still get drinks. But Erin was too far gone to realize any of that.)
After ending the call and tossing her phone on Erin’s desk, Holtzmann took a step forward towards the couch, smiling at Erin despite her oddly serious look and tone of voice.
“If you regret this when you’re sober and go back on everything you said to me… I will punch you in the morning… and I will also put a child safety lock on your pack.”
Erin just owlishly blinked up at Holtzmann in response, not at all understanding where this comment had come from.
“I just poured my fucking heart out to you, minutes before you went to talk to your girlfriend.”
And there that familiar venom was, Erin not even able to speak Jennifer’s name again.
“If anyone should be talking about slapping someone, it’s me. But I don’t have the coordination for that now.” She grumbled, letting her head fall back on the couch again.
“Just leave me be, Holtzmann. With a little luck, I’ll have forgotten all about this when I wake up, and we can just pretend this never happened. I’ve been in love with you for a while now, I can keep my shit together for a while longer.”
Holtzmann had crossed over to sit on the edge of the couch at this point, looking down at Erin who, from the looks of things, was trying to curl up and disappear.
“You really didn’t hear any of that conversation did you?” Holtzmann tilted her head slightly as she tried to get Erin to look at her. “Baby, that was a break up call. A ‘we tried but it’s really just not clicking’ kind of call.”
She reached out and tucked some of Erin’s hair back behind her ear, still a little concerned that she had had too much to drink tonight. And apparently, as Erin was only responding to aggressive words and actions tonight, Holtzmann figured that might be the best approach this time as well.
At this point, she might just even put child locks on her pack out of spite.
“Erin, the only girlfriend I have is the one laying on this fucking couch, if she would stop cussing at me long enough to realize it.”
Again, Erin blinked at her, the words taking a few seconds to sink in.
“You… You broke up with Jennifer?” The words were hesitant, Erin slowly sitting up again and ignoring how the world was kind of spinning around her. “Just now. So, you’re single.” It was more of a statement than an actual question or request for confirmation, the physicist clumsily moving over to Holtzmann, wrapping her arms around the blonde’s neck.
“And you want to date me. For real. This isn’t just something I’m currently drunkenly hallucinating about.”
A very real possibility, considering how everything was still spinning around her. Holtzmann was oddly in focus, though. Or maybe Erin was just relying on memory for that, the blonde looking every bit as beautiful as she always did.
“Yeah, I’m single.” The engineer smiled as the words slipped from her, watching the other woman right herself and try to keep her balance. As Erin wrapped her arms around her neck, she reached out, toying with her hair before slipping a hand around the physicist’s waist.
“And no, you’re not hallucinating. I promise. I can pin a note to your shirt for you to wake up to in the morning if you are worried about that, baby.” She smiled warmly, taking off her glasses and setting them up on the crest of her head. She shifted just slightly, tilting her head and pulling Erin close.
“Then you’re not single.” Erin shook her head, before pulling Holtzmann even closer to her, Erin dropping a clumsy kiss to her lips. “You’re my girlfriend now. And I’m not letting you go.”
She supposed that statement would have sounded a lot more impressive if she hadn’t been slurring her words, or if she hadn’t followed it with a yawn, but she didn’t particularly care.
Erin just shook her head, instead cuddling herself up closer to Holtzmann. “And no note. Just stay.” She mumbled, closing her eyes to stop the world from spinning around her. “I’d rather wake up to see you.”
Holtzmann couldn’t help but chuckle a little, loving how cute Erin sounded when she slurred her words. The engineer smoothly stood up, pulling Erin along with her, the redhead proceeding to lean most her weight against the blonde.
Not that Holtzmann cared much; she wasn’t about to let the love of her life sleep on a couch.
“C'mon… I have a room set up. I’d rather you be curled up in a nice bed than on this couch.” She smiled warmly, wrapping her arm around her new girlfriend… the woman she wanted more than anything else in this world.
“You’re sweet.” Erin murmured in response, nuzzling her face in Holtzmann’s neck as she allowed the engineer to lead her to the bed she had set up. “And mine. Very mine.”
The physicist suppressed another yawn, crashing down on the bed as she dragged Holtzmann with her, curling up closer to her.
“Promise you’ll be here in the morning?” She asked, one arm clumsily placed around the other woman’s waist.
“All yours, baby.” The engineer responded. But judging by the small snores escaping Erin’s lips, the physicist had passed out before she could hear those words, making Holtzmann chuckle a little.
She still couldn’t believe that Erin had so quickly fallen into her arms. Part of her was still worried it was just the alcohol talking. But that wasn’t a question she could answer right now. She’d rather just enjoy this, having Erin here with her, and deal with the aftermath in the morning.
She’d rather enjoy waking up to Erin at least once than drive herself crazy with possibly unfounded doubts.
When Erin woke up the next morning, the first thing she realized was that her head felt like it was about to split in two.
The second thing she realized was that she wasn’t alone on the bed, the physicist turning her head to see Holtzmann still lying beside her.
It hadn’t been a dream, then…
Sighing dreamily, Erin closed her eyes again, more than prepared to just will her headache away if it meant laying here a little bit longer.
Her movements had woken Holtzmann up, though, the blonde engineer momentarily confused before she laid her eyes on Erin and smiled softly.
Even if she wasn’t sure if Erin was asleep or not, Holtzmann risked movement, scooting closer and wrapping her arms around Erin’s waist, pulling her just a little closer as she nuzzled into her neck.
At least if Erin was to freak out, she’d probably actually get that punch she asked for the night before.
Erin hummed contently as Holtzmann pulled her closer, willing herself to ignore the throbbing headache as she tried to just enjoy the fact that Holtzmann was there with her, beside her, loving her. But the knowledge that the physicist had woken up was enough for Holtzmann to point across Erin, mumbling something to her.
“Advil and water next to you…”
As much as Erin wanted to keep being held by Holtzmann like this, the mention of painkillers was too much for even her lovesick brain to ignore.
“You’re amazing.” She hummed in response, sighing contently.
Erin carefully untangled herself from Holtzmann, eliciting a small whine from the engineer. Erin downed the water and the pills on the bedside table as quickly as possible, before essentially falling back into Holtzmann’s arms again, placing a soft kiss to her cheek.
“You’re still mine, right?” She asked, a little hesitantly as she curled up closer to Holtzmann. “Last night wasn’t a dream?”
The kiss had made Holtzmann’s heart flutter, and the engineer couldn’t help but smile and pull the taller woman closer to her. “Not a dream. I’m all yours.”
She nuzzled a little closer for a second before opening her eyes to look at the physicist. It was like they were the only two people in the world. Like no one could infringe upon there moment, even though she was well aware that the other two women were due back soon enough.
This was still their place of work, after all.
“Always have been, ErBear.”
Erin could only smile brightly at that, the physicist wrapping her arms even tighter around Holtzmann as she leaned up to kiss her properly, morning breath be damned. Holtzmann was hers. The blonde engineer loved her.
Her.
Not Jennifer, not anyone else, her.
When they broke apart again, Holtzmann reached up, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind the physicist’s ear smoothly. “Did you sleep okay? This bed isn’t too bad right? I was thinking about getting something a little better… but I couldn’t really justify it when it was just me in it.”
“It’s perfect.” Erin nodded, just staring at Holtzmann with an absolutely lovestruck expression. “You’re perfect.”
In truth, Erin hadn’t really been paying a lot of attention to the quality of the bed, her mind more pre-occupied with the person she was sharing it with. Jillian Holtzmann, nuclear engineer, love of Erin’s life. Nothing else really mattered.
“Oh baby, I’m far from perfect.” The engineer replied. “But thank ya for thinking so.”
“To me you are.” Erin hummed, the physicist smiling lovingly at Holtzmann.
The blonde smiled in response, having rested her forehead against Erin’s after returning the kiss earlier. She found herself loving the closeness, and that said a lot given that Holtzmann wasn’t normally fond of physical contact. But in this case, it truly was as if nothing else existed in this world but them, and she couldn’t be happier about it.
“I have to ask…” She began tentatively, idly toying with the older woman’s hair before letting her fingertips ghost along her collar, almost as if it were the first time she had ever seen another person. “How long have you like me… Like this?”
The question took Erin by surprise, just a little bit, and she let out a small sigh in response.
“I think…” She began slowly, Erin never breaking her gaze with Holtzmann. “I couldn’t answer that. Not really. I know I’ve been attracted to you since the day I met you, when Abby mentioned how brilliant you were. I’ve always been a sucker for brilliant minds.”
Understatement of the century right there. Erin was incredibly attracted to intelligent people, and Abby knew this better than anyone. But right now, that wasn’t the point, the redhead simply continuing her speech.
“But I also know that scared me, at the time. I tried to ignore it. I didn’t want to feel like that. And when you told Gorin that we were dating… I got scared. I thought I had time, I thought I could keep pushing it away.”
She let out another small sigh, Erin’s fingers gently tracing over Holtzmann’s jaw.
“But then you mentioned you were dating Jennifer, and something just… Snapped. Because deep down, I think I always realized I wanted you. I think I always loved you. It just took nearly losing you forever for me to realize that.” She finally managed another smile, Erin somehow leaning even closer to the blonde. “I’m glad I wasn’t too late.”
Holtzmann nodded in understanding, a sheepish smile spreading across her features as the blonde looked up at her slightly. She really did understand, knowing what it was like to discover something this important about yourself.
“I’m sorry I put you through Hell for a month…” She replied, letting her fingers thread through auburn tresses as they lay on the bed. “If I had known sooner… I wouldn’t have been trying to pick up where I left off with Jenn all those years ago.” She then smiled and winked at the older scientist before continuing, laughing at her own words as she spoke. “Granted, I don’t think she was feeling it. So thank you for saving my ass.”
“I’m sorry I took so long to catch up.” Erin murmured in response. “But I have now. And I love you. And unlike Jennifer, I’m not gonna be letting you go that easily.” She grinned, before leaning in to kiss Holtzmann again, tangling her own hands in the blonde’s hair as she did.
Yes, Erin had definitely had to take a while to catch up. But now that she had Holtzmann, she wasn’t going to lose her. She was going to fight for this, she was going to make up for lost time, and she certainly wasn’t going to let anyone else take the engineer from her. Because no one had ever made her feel the way Jillian Holtzmann made her feel, and Erin was going to hold on to that feeling for as long as she possibly could. Because at the end of the day, Erin still believed they belonged together. And she was more than looking forward to proving as much for the rest of their lives.