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In the place beyond our own, where time has no meaning and fear is the only currency, six heroes dare to fight against the clutches of chaos. They remain, still ever resisting, transfixed under the gaze of Hell. They endure, ever despite the depraved trials of the infamous, the great, Lance: El Maestro de Prank, enemy to all. These are their stories.
DUN DUN.
HUNK
Nothing good ever happens after 2AM. Nothing.
At least that’s what Hunk would always insist upon whenever Lance tried roping him into one of his shenanigans. Lance tried recruiting Hunk practically every night- stating that the reign of Hunk and Lance would once again shake the pillars of the universe. Hunk had no interest in shaking anything other than seasoning, let alone the ‘pillars of the universe’. So, Hunk would adamantly decline Lance’s prodding, stating over and over his favorite phrase.
“Nothing good ever happens after 2 am, Lance. Now, please let go of my leg.”
Hunk knew that Lance’s pouting nature would sooner or later bite him in the ass. But, Hunk needed this solitude. Truth be told, Hunk was an active fan of the castle at night. He was no stranger to sneaking out at the oddest hours, exploring every hidden crevice, and exposing every secret. But this was Hunk’s guilty pleasure, something he kept exclusively to himself. Under normal circumstances, Hunk felt no shame in his nosey nature. But there was more to this than just creeping around, Hunk was rummaging for something in particular: ingredients.
Hunk missed the act of preparing food, it had been such a strong social aspect in his life that ripping it away so suddenly was jarring. He could remember running to the kitchen, smelling the steam from the heated pans. His mothers allowing him to test and experiment various recipes, enjoying every bit of their responses. Now, practically all Hunk could do was squish out a glop of food goo into a respective bowl. Hunk wanted desperately to recreate the food of his past, prepare it for his friends and bring them closer than ever.
This is why Hunk snuck out almost every night, hunting for hidden ingredients and attempting to recreate the Earth food. He had made quite a collection, all varying from different spices, to strange meat from the vegetation on different planets. He had preserved and hid them all around the castle, taking care in making sure no one would ever find them.
It was 1:34. Hunk was staring up at the ceiling, exhausted from the previous day’s battle but still unable to sleep. He slowly crawled out of his bed, deciding that if he wasn’t going to get a good night's rest anyway, he might as well be productive. Hunk peered out of his doorway, listening for any footsteps.
Nothing.
Hunk cautiously walked out, tiptoeing down the tiled floor towards the kitchen. As he entered the doorframe, the light suddenly flicked on. He moved towards one of the walls panels, looking around suspiciously once more. Due to the genius of the Paladin, Hunk had managed to remove the panel and hollow out the wall space (all while maintaining the ship’s internal structure). This had created a perfect hiding space for some of his collection.
As he tapped quietly on the panel, opening it to the room, a feeling of dread shook his body.
The small compartment was completely empty.
Hunk gaped silently, unable to move. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. All of his hard work- wasted. How was he ever going to recreate his small piece of home-
Wait. The other hiding places. Had they been revealed as well? What had happened? Did the mice eat all of his food? Come to think of it, he had never seen them even touch the food goo…
Hunk jogged quickly to the sitting room, moving silently towards the couches. He quietly unscrewed the metal backing of the couch, wincing at every bit of noise. After pausing before the opening, Hunk hopefully looked inside.
Oh, thank god. It was all there. So whatever did this obviously didn’t know about his other hiding places. But just to make sure, Hunk ran around the castle, checking all 32 of them. Everything was still intact, completely untouched. By the time Hunk had accomplished this, his body was dragging in weariness. It was 2:53. Hunk was exhausted, still running over his theories for the food disappearances. No one in the team would’ve stolen it unless maybe they had smelled something and been concerned. But Hunk was no dummy, all perishables were stored properly in their respective environments. Then what had happened?
Hunk walked sadly to his room, barely registering the doors opening as he slumped in. He walked slowly to his bed and fell to the soft mattress. Hunk winced as he shuffled in his bed, noting the many uncomfortable items underneath him. He got up and flicked on a light.
In his bed laid all of the missing food. Some had spilled to the floor and rolled around in circles. On Hunk’s pillow rested a scrap of paper as well as a bag of round fruits, some small packages of powder, and a wooden spoon. Hunk frowned. He didn’t remember collecting any of those.
He grabbed the paper and deciphered the poor handwriting.
El Maestro de Prank strikes again!!!!!!
>:{D
(that’s me with a mustache)
As Hunk excitedly examined the new food items, he swore he could hear Lance cackling through the wall.
PIDGE
It wasn’t her fault that Lance was being more obvious than usual. The only grievance she had committed was pointing it out. Granted, the wording might have been a little much, but so was Lance’s desperate staring.
Shiro and Keith were demonstrating a complicated defensive pattern, moving and ducking around the other with unbelievable speed. All of the other Paladins were sitting in a row, watching silently at the demonstration. Well, not completely silently.
“Fuuuuuucccckkk,” Lance groaned, his eyes fixated on Keith. Pidge raised an eyebrow but continued to say nothing. At this point, Shiro and Keith were just circling each other, breathing heavily. Lance continued to moan out expletives as Keith moved around the matted area, ignoring Pidge’s shushes and prodding.
Shiro made a grab for Keith, and the Red Paladin ducked and swiped at Shiro’s legs. In that stance, Keith’s leg was extended in front of him, his back facing the Paladins.
“The butt,” Lance said dumbly, his eyes as big as saucers. Pidge glared at Lance, done giving out warnings.
“Lance said Keith has a nice ass!” Pidge screamed at the fighters. Keith swung around, gaping at the row of Paladins. Pidge didn’t even need to look at Lance to know that he was a blushing mess. With that distraction, Shiro simply pulled at Keith’s leg, toppling him to the ground. Keith groaned as he laid flat on the mat, Shiro’s weaponized hand at his throat.
Lance turned to glare at Pidge, muttering something in Spanish.
“What did you just call yourself?” Pidge said, still laughing at Lance’s red face.
“You’ll see,” Lance glowered. He stood up and stomped out of the room. “You’ll all see!” he yelled as he escaped into the darkness of the hallway. Pidge snorted and turned to look at the rest of the team. They all stared back at her in shock.
“What?” she asked innocently.
The next training session had been fairly uneventful; it was just running laps and sparring (though Keith and Lance were still unable to make eye contact, so that was a bonus). Afterwards, everyone trudged slowly to the shower, drenched in sweat and exhaustion. Pidge was glad she no longer had to shower in the guy’s section, the privacy was definitely a bonus. Plus the soap was nicer.
Pidge pressed a sequence of buttons and melted in relaxation as the heated water splashed out. For a while, she just stood under the stream of water, enjoying the quiet peace of the steamy room. She moved towards the control pad and pressed a button that released the shampoo. The steam of the room hid the color of the liquid, so Pidge just absently rubbed it into her scalp, not realizing her mistake. As she washed off the soap, she failed to see the blue swirl of bubbles as they were sucked down the drain.
After turning off the shower and slipping into her robe, Pidge stepped in front of a mirror. She screamed.
She immediately raced towards the male section of showers and threw open the double doors, enveloped in the thick steam. She was blinded, true, but this would not stop the horrid wrath of Pidge.
“LANCE!” Pidge screamed. In the far corner, she heard a squeak of fear. She stormed in this direction, listening for the sounds of feet slapping the floor in attempts to escape.
“Pidge, what are you doing here?!” Shiro said over the sounds of the shower. Pidge ignored him; she was set on a path of destruction. As she neared her victim, she was finally able to make out a cowering silhouette.
“PIDGE- PLEASE! I’M NAKED!!!” Lance screamed. This did not make Pidge falter. After pretending to be a boy in the Garrison for half a year, she had seen everything. Nothing scared her anymore. Not. Even. Penis. Pidge walked closer, not stopping till she could see the fear in Lance’s eyes. He was backed against the wall, covering his crotch with a pink loofa. With a crazed look in her eyes, she smiled evilly at Lance. Her now dyed blue hair was spiked, still wet from the shower.
She glared at the terrified Lance, unmoving in her anger.
“Keith?!” she hollered into the steam covered room. Lance’s eyes grew wide with horror.
After a few seconds, a hesitant voice rang out.
“Yes?”
She grinned at Lance.
“3 inches,” she hollered back simply, walking out of the showers as Lance screeched in denial and anguish.
ALLURA
Lance ran into the control room, hollering as he held two water balloons filled with a mysterious liquid over his head. He made a beeline towards the Princess. She turned slowly, as if expecting him, and arched one eyebrow. Lance screeched to a halt. Allura held up a finger and shook her head.
“Nuh-uh,” she said, unimpressed.
Lance paused, considering the consequences. After a couple seconds of tense silence, Lance nodded vacantly and made beeping noises as he backed out of the room.
CORAN
Coran: the most pure and perfect alien. Or, at least, that’s what Lance had called him. He thought they were on pretty good terms, enjoying each other’s company and going even as far to exchange advice. He rather liked Lance for his upbeat personality, loyalty, and optimism. This is why it was such a horrid shock to Coran when Lance decided to defile his room.
Coran was walking back from a strategy discussion with Allura. He was already in a bit of a somber mood, given their positions in the war, and needed time to relax and unwind in his room. He moved to the doors and as soon as they opened, a guff of a putrid smell hit Coran like a train. It was thick, musty, and quite honestly repulsive. But Coran, for the love of him, could not place its origin. He peered into the room, wary of what he might find. However, the sight that was presented to him was something that he did not completely understand.
Lance was standing on Coran’s bed, his knees bent and his butt out. It was quite a funny position, reminding him of the act of defecation. He was surprised to see that Lance was also wearing a fake black mustache. However, Coran was more confused than he was amused. Was Lance making that horrible smell? Was he mocking Coran with his mustache? As soon as Lance saw Coran enter the room, he jumped up in surprise, letting out another strange noise from his buttocks. Coran just looked quizzically at the boy.
Lance leapt off the bed and dashed towards the door. He paused for a moment in front of the Altean man to shout out a sputtered, “You’ve been pranked, son!” and flew out of the room. He zipped down the hallway, yodeling “El Maestro de Prank strikes again!”
Coran stood dumbly in front of the doorway, unsure of how to proceed. Did Lance just break their bond? Was this a strange Earthly custom he was not aware of? What was happening? How was he going to ventilate out that awful smell?
Coran walked briskly to the common room, hoping that one of the Paladin’s might be able to answer his questions. He had really hoped Lance wasn’t breaking up their friendship! He saw himself in the boy and it would break his heart to find out Lance didn’t like him as well. Tears prickled Coran’s eyes and by the time he was in the common room, he was blubbering like a Romtigon newborn.
Keith, Hunk, and Pidge were relaxing on the couches when Coran ran in. They looked around shocked as the Altean man flopped himself face down on the cushion. Hunk walked over and patted the man’s back.
“Umm… what’s wrong buddy?” he asked, hesitantly. Coran looked up, his face ruddy with tears.
“I-I-“ he started, failing to control his emotions. “I think L-Lance hates me!” He sobbed back into the pillow. Hunk continued patting him.
“That’s not true, Coran.” Hunk said. “Lance loves you.” He looked over at Pidge and Keith. They just stared dumbly back.
“H-he does?” Coran said, lifting his face tentatively from the cushion. Hunk made wide eyes at Keith and Pidge, urging them on. Finally catching onto Hunk’s game, they both made small responses of ‘yeah, totally, uh-huh’.
Coran sat up, wiping the tears on his glove. He looked around the room at the honest faces. Such good kids these were.
“Then why did he make my room smell bad? Is there an Earth custom I have not been made aware of?” Coran asked sadly. Hunk became very uncomfortable.
“Wut”
Coran continued, “What is a ‘prank’? He said I was ‘pranked’.” Looks of relief and annoyance flashed on the Paladins' face.
“Oohhh,” Pidge said. She gestured towards her fading blue hair. “This, is a prank.” Coran sat up straight, his tears almost completely dry. Hunk sighed.
“Yeah, Lance used to prank us all the time in the Garrison. I was kinda hoping he was past it,” Hunk tightened the band around his hair. “Basically, it’s when your friends play a trick on you. It’s just for fun.”
Pidge snorted, “Yeah, and he so self obsessed that he thinks he’s the best at it. He calls himself the Prank Master.” Coran nodded slowly, wrapping his head around the strange custom. So… this was Lance’s way of showing affection? Interesting.
Keith leaned forward in his seat, his fingertips rapping together, reminiscent of an evil mastermind.
“You know,” he started. “I know of a way to stop him from pranking us so much.” Keith chuckled darkly. Coran turned to look at the grinning boy.
“When did he ever prank you?” Coran asked. Keith blushed and refused to answer.
KEITH
Keith was walking back from one of his morning training sessions. He had just finished taking a shower/ staring in the mirror mumbling 'I do have a nice ass' before heading to his room to relax before lunch. A towel was draped around his shoulders, collecting the water still dripping from his hair. Keith paused in front of his doors, stretching his sore muscles as they slid open. Instantly, Keith was attacked by a creature jumping out from his room. Keith managed a strangled yell as the thing latched onto him and pulled him to the tiled floor. Keith, pinned to the ground, looked up at his attacker.
It was Lance… with a fake mustache.
“What the-“
Lance shushed him and pressed his finger against Keith’s lips. Keith stuck his tongue out and licked Lance, eliciting a screech from the boy as he quickly snatched back his hand. Keith knew he was blushing. You didn’t need to point it out. Yes, he was definitely blushing. And definitely trying to ignore the fluttering in his abdomen as Lance straddled him. He could have easily gotten out of this position, he was stronger than Lance after all. But, um… no. For now, he was contempt with Lance just right where he was.
Lance glanced around the hallway and leaned in. Keith’s breath hitched, unsure of what was happening.
“You, have been pranked my good sir,” Lance whispered, their faces inches apart. Keith gulped. Lance’s eyes flickered down to Keith’s lips. Neither Paladin moved, the air completely still. Before Keith could realize what had happened, Lance pressed a quick kiss on Keith’s lips, jumped up and disappeared down the corridor, screaming, “THAT WAS TOTALLY PART OF THE PRANK”
It took Keith a good solid four minutes to get up and walk slowly to his room. When the doors opened, Keith was frozen in shock for the second time that day. Every inch of his room was covered in printed out photos of Lance in various poses. Keith could barely move. There was too much Lance in this room. He was slowly becoming very self-conscious.
“Damn you, Lance,” Keith muttered as he carefully collected each photograph and placed them gently in a drawer in his desk.
SHIRO
Shiro needed a fucking break. So Lance, out of the goodness of his heart, did not prank him. Instead, just so the numbers were nice and even, pranked Keith again. This time kissing him TWICE. Hahah GOT ’EM (dabs to cover his blushing face)
LANCE
Just like the Romans, the Ancient Egyptians, and Blockbuster, all great reigns must come to an end sooner or later. But Lance wasn’t ready to give up his alter ego: El Maestro de Prank. Lance wanted El Maestro to live on forever until the grip of insanity consumed his fellow paladins and he rose above them ALL.*
*not really, but Lance has a flair for the dramatics so pretend like you agree
Lance felt untouchable. He felt that any wrong done unto him would be righted by the notorious Prank Master. This was Lance’s secret weapon and no one would take it away from him. He walked boldly down the corridor, puffing out his chest as he thought about his various conquests (his thoughts lingering on Keith’s prank more than other’s- for some unknown reason). He couldn’t wait till he arrived at dinner, with everyone cowering in fear at his awesome power.
Suddenly the lights flickered. Lance glanced around, a sense of unease creeping up on him. He remembered Pidge mentioning something being buggy about the electrical system. haha, that’s it. Just electrical work. Lance continued walking, warily looking around. All at once the lights shut off, and Lance was consumed in utter darkness. He let out a small squeak, madly looking around for the faintest bit of light. Something flickered at the far end of the hallway. Lance cautiously made his way towards the light source.
“Pidge? Hunk? Shiro? Is that you?” Lance called out, waiting for a response. Nothing happened. “Guys?”
A breeze suddenly picked up and Lance was left shivering. “Anybody there?” he strangled out. He continued down the hallway, making out a small humanoid shape near the source of light. “Hey!” he called out to the figure. It slowly turned towards him. The eerie movement made Lance gulp in fear. As he neared, he could make out the features. It looked human, but its skin was as white as a sheet and it seemed to emanate a blue glow. Lance’s breath quickened as he realized one very important detail: this person, whoever they were, had no eyes. Lance let out a high pitched shriek, and bolted into the darkness, running for his life. The apparition flicked to life a few steps ahead of him, hand outstretched. Lance, unable to stop his momentum, slid right through the ghost. The cold air changed drastically, freezing Lance to his bones. The apparition made a blood curdling scream, erupting the lights back to life like the flames of hell. As Lance blinked in the sudden light, something moaned in pain behind him. Lance peed a little as he reluctantly turned to look.
Standing before him with their skin rotting and jaws slacked open, were the members of Voltron. They made slow unsteady movements towards Lance, each guttering out “Brrrraaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss,” Lance clamored out a scream worthy of a virgin in a horror movie. He was completely immobilized in fear, unable to comprehend the deaths of his friends and THE FACT THAT SPACE GHOSTS ARE REAL HE KNEW IT.
The zombies neared Lance, each sniffing the boy as they continue mumbling, “brraaiinss, brrraaiinnns,”. Lance waited patiently for the sweet release of death.
With a huff of disappointment, Pidge Zombie started shuffling away, still muttering out her need for brains. The other zombies quickly followed suit, each giving Lance a pitying gaze. Lance stood dumbstruck, giddy at his luck. He survived! He-
Hold the fucking phone-
“OOooooohhh I get it, I don’t have a brains, haha vERY FUNNY GUYS!” Lance shouted at the zombies. They paused, slowly turning to face Lance. For a brief second Lance feared that he had made a mistake and actually just antagonized real zombies. That was until Coran Zombie broke into a chortle. Soon everyone started to snicker, unable to keep up the ruse any longer. Surrounding the very peeved Lance, everyone burst into full belly aching laughs. Lance just tapped his foot annoyingly.
“You guys just hit me up when you’re done,” Lance grumbled. He stalked away, embarrassed. His pride had taken quite a beating that day, but he had yet to be defeated. El Maestro de Prank would go into hiding for now, but soon… he would rise out of the ashes like a vengeful phoenix. And they would all pay! All of th-
“Lance!” Keith called out to him. Lance paused, not bothering to turn around as he waited for his fellow Paladin to catch up. Keith jogged up to him, still covered in his grotesque zombie makeup.
“What do you want?” Lance sneered. No civil nature for traitors.
Keith grinned stupidly and leaned in, pressing a quick kiss to Lance’s lips. He pulled a couple inches back and whispered “pranked” before running back to the other team members. Lance stared back at the retreating Paladin, a drunken smile plastered over his face.