Archive of Our Own ^beta

-TOM-
I never thought I would be the type of guy who would ever settle down. You know, I never figured that I’d ever have a stable job or that I would lose my heart to only one woman or that I would even think of starting a family. I always considered myself too adventurous for any of these things, a free spirit, not to be contained by laws or bound by traditions of any kind. I always figured that making my own rules would be the only sure way towards happiness. And yet here I am: a pilot on a Federation starship of all places. I will be a married man in less than a week. And just last night, we decided to stop using anti-conception because we want to have a baby.
I mean, who would have thought… Right? How do I cope with all this normalcy and routine and monotony? First of all, my job isn’t just an ordinary job. Granted, I serve on a Starfleet vessel, but it’s a state-of-the art starship traveling through uncharted territory. Evil aliens and strange anomalies lurk behind every other star system. I can guarantee that none of it is boring or anywhere near routine. My-soon-to-be-wife is half-human, half-Klingon. And there’s nothing ordinary or monotonous about being in a relationship with a Klingon either. Not by a long shot. And yes, we’re thinking about having kids. I used to think that having kids was the end, like giving up on real life and settle down. But now that I’m actually considering it, it’s frighteningly exhilarating. The odds for human-Klingon exception are astronomical. So we’re not even sure we’ll ever get there. I have a hunch though that a lot of the fun will be in the trying.

I’m in the bathroom of our joint quarters, brushing my teeth, when B’Elanna enters. She wraps her arms around me from behind and kisses my shoulder. “Mmm, you should have woken me up earlier." I smile at my soon-to-be-wife in the mirror. “I figured you could use a few extra minutes after last night.” Yesterday evening, our conversation about stopping with anti-conception promptly led to ‘trying out’, as we figured that we might get lucky right away. I turn around and kiss the future mother of my children on the lips. I place my hand on her belly. “Do you think it worked?” She rolls her eyes. “Tom…” She swats my hand away, but it’s an affectionate gesture. I grin. “There might be someone in there…” My eyes widen while I get down on my knees so that my mouth is directly in front of her flat belly. I kiss it softly. “Hi there, little one. I am your father.” She throws me a dubious look. “This is not at all weird or creepy.” I look up. “I just want my kid to know that its daddy is also here, from the very beginning.” She takes a step back. “Alright, you’re freaking me out now.” When I stand up, she gives me a quick kiss. “How about we do this wedding thing first, and then, if and when there’s a baby on its way, we focus on that?" That’s my girlfriend: no-nonsense and to the point. I kiss her back and cup her face. “Alright. Mommy knows best.” I can’t help but tease her. She throws me a dirty look before she enters the shower. “Keep that up, and there won’t even be a wedding, let alone a reason to call me Mommy.”

-KATHRYN-
It never fails to excite me when we come across a rare spatial phenomenon. And the binary quasar we’ve detected on sensors this morning is no exception.
As a kid, my father used to tell me all about pulsars, quasars, supernovae and wormholes. Back then, his descriptions only fueled my desire to join Starfleet Academy so I could learn more about these intriguing phenomena. So when I was finally old enough, I enrolled and I was so excited to take classes like ‘Subspace Geometry’, ‘Quantum Mechanics’ and ‘Advanced Astrophysics’. I struggled so hard in these classes. I don’t even remember how many all-nighters I had to pull in order to pass. And with that the realization slowly came that I was never going to be a brilliant scientist. As a Science Officer in Starfleet, I found my way to Command, which turned out to be a much better fit. Yet throughout my career, astrophysics always remained a soft spot.
So that’s why, when the binary quasar showed up on sensors this morning, I got this tingling feeling inside. It’s a rare chance to explore the universe. And although our main mission is to get home, I will always be convinced it’s also our duty to learn as much as we can along the way.

No one on the senior staff is really surprised when I order a small shuttle mission to gather information about the quasar. After five years in the Delta Quadrant under my command, they’ve come to expect this. Chakotay smiles at me indulgently and Tuvok doesn’t even raise his eyebrow.
“Tom, Seven.” I state. “I want you to collect as much sensor data on this quasar as you can. Only a handful of people have had the chance to get up close and personal with something like this. I suggest you make the most of it.”
Seven seems pretty much unfazed by this opportunity. I wonder if that’s because she has seen it all during her time as a Borg. I don’t know if I should be envious of her possession of knowledge or rather if I should pity the fact that she’s lost her thirst for it.
Tom looks moderately excited. No doubt he’s at the very least eager at the prospect of taking his beloved Delta Flyer out for a spin. I notice B’Elanna smirking at him. No doubt an inside joke between them. Of all the things I never thought I’d see in my life, their upcoming wedding is definitely in the top five. But this isn’t the first surprise in the Delta Quadrant. And I doubt it will be the last.

After the briefing, Tom comes up to me. “Captain, about the away mission…” I smile at him. “Don’t worry Tom, you’ll be back in time to say ‘I do’.” He grins. “I have the perfect honeymoon planned.” He holds out his arms. “Picture this: Earth, downtown Chicago in roaring twenties. Speakeasies, flappers, the Charleston.” I can clearly hear the enthusiasm in his voice. “I’m sure B’Elanna will love it.” I nod. “Yeah.” He grins. “But the thing is, I haven’t finished programming it all yet.” He cocks his head. “And if I’m piloting the Flyer, I won’t have time to get it all ready in time.” I raise my eyebrow. “I suppose I could send Harry instead.” He ducks his head and looks up at me through his eyelashes, trying his best to charm me. “Or maybe B’Elanna could go?” I raise my other eyebrow. “B’Elanna?” My tone of voice belies my surprise. “I don’t want her to find out about the honeymoon beforehand.” He offers as a weak explanation and I squint at him. I’m not buying that. “You’re not by any chance suggesting this so that you can have a bachelor party, are you?” I glare at him, remembering Harry mentioning something along those lines to Chakotay yesterday. At least Tom has the decency to look guilty. “You do realize that if I put B’Elanna and Seven in a shuttle together for a couple of days, only one of them is bound to come back alive? You might go straight from bachelor to widower.” He clearly hasn’t thought of that. And he knows I have a point. His brow furrows as he tries to come up with another solution. “I could go with B’Elanna.” I offer after a moment. “I could do with some time away from the ship.” And it will give me the chance to see this binary quasar with my own eyes. Tom’s face brightens and he steps closer to me to give me an impromptu hug. “Thanks Captain!” He grins. I roll my eyes good-naturedly. “Just consider it as part of your wedding gift.”

-B’ELANNA-
I lean back in my chair, watching the stars streak past the shuttle’s window. Sure, it’s peaceful to sit here and do pretty much nothing. But on the other hand, we’ve just installed a new modification to the warp drive that still doesn’t run as smoothly as it should. And I could be there, on Voyager, in Engineering, bending the laws of physics in order to make it work the way I know it can work. I sit up in my chair and grab the PADD on which I’ve already jotted down some notes on how to keep the dilithium matrix from overheating. I want to add an idea for keeping the injector ports from clogging. When I’m finished, I sigh. It’s not that my crew can’t do this without me. In fact, I know they can. It’s just that I could probably do it a little faster. And what’s more important: I’d have so much fun doing it. A little frustrated, I put the PADD back down harder than I intended and next to me, the Captain looks up from the book she’s been reading the past half hour. “Problem Lieutenant?” I shrug. “There’re only so many hypotheses to increase the warp drive efficiency I can come up with, without being able to check if they make sense in reality.” I try to keep the frustration out of my voice as much as I can, but from the looks of it, I’m not very successful. “I’m sure your team will do a good job, even in your absence.” She offers, trying to placate me. “Why don’t you enjoy this bit of time for yourself? Pretty soon, that’s going to be a thing of the past.” I’m pretty sure she’s only alluding to my upcoming wedding. Not about babies ruining my life. I’m suddenly glad no one has yet gotten wind of our plans to extend our family. I know Tom is super excited about it, but I don’t quite know how I feel about having a baby just yet. Luckily, with the odds stacked so high against us, I’ll probably have a lot of time to get used to the idea before it ever becomes a reality. “I just want the warp core to be fully operational before our marriage. Tom will kill me if he finds me thinking about magnetic constrictors and flow regulations during our honeymoon.” Janeway laughs. “Well, if it comes to that, he can only blame himself.” I frown. “What do you mean?” She opens her mouth to speak and then pauses for a moment. “He suggested you to go on this mission.” She divulges hesitantly, as if she’s not sure she should be saying it at all.
“That’s how I drew this detail?” I ask, my eyebrows rising in surprise. “He suggested it?” The Captain throws me a look. “In his defense, he did it because he wanted to finish programming your honeymoon without spoiling the surprise to you.” She’s always had a soft spot for him, so I’m not surprised she’s defending him. But I know better. “No.” I shake my head. “He did it because Harry wants to throw him a bachelor party.” The Captain’s eyes show me I’m right. But it doesn’t really matter. I know my future husband’s strengths and I know his weaknesses. Often they’re one and the same, like his desire to inject some fun into everything he does. It makes him a great person to be around. It also makes it a challenge to really get through to him sometimes. But that’s Tom. And I’ll take him just like that. I turn to the Captain. “Please don’t tell me that Seven didn’t come on this mission because she was drafted to be the stripper?” I deadpan. Janeway looks at me for a moment and then starts laughing. She puts her book down and gets up. “Do you want some coffee?” A mug of the hot liquid is placed in my hand a few seconds later. The Captain sits down and I feel her eyes on me. “Don’t be too hard on him.” I turn to look at her. “You always have been very tolerant on his antics.” I speak my thoughts. “I guess I’ve always looked beyond his outward bravado and seen the deeper, underlying meaning of whatever stunt he pulled.” She smiles. “He’s a good man. He’ll make you happy.” I nod slowly. Although he sometimes has the tact and sensitivity of a Neanderthal, he really is a good man. And for some reason he puts up with all my little particularities. And the big ones too.

My mind is pulled back to reality when the shuttle suddenly abruptly moves and the coffee in my mug spills over my hands. I hardly feel the pain of the scalding liquid because at the same time all kinds of alarms start blaring around us. “What’s happening?” The Captain yells as she starts tapping her console in order to find out more. “There’s a hydrazine leak right next to the primary impulse engine.” I yell over the blaring alarms while I run aft, grabbing a toolkit on my way. “I have to try to seal it before it starts permeating the driver coils.” If that happens, the ensuing explosion will be visible all the way to Voyager. I work meticulously, trying to suppress the urge to cough. The hydrazine particles are already spilling into the shuttle compartment, burning my lungs with every breath I take. I feel the Captain struggling do the same thing when she crouches next to me to help. “I can’t seal the leak.” The lines have ruptured completely. “I’ll have to take the driver coil offline.” The Captain nods, helping me to access the controls. “The injector controls are fused.” I grunt and I try to close off the injectors manually but the mechanism doesn’t move a millimeter. “These are jammed too.” Even with a hyperspanner and both of us leveraging our weight it’s useless. There’s no way I can take the coil offline. “Warning.” The computer informs us dispassionately. “Atmospheric levels of hydrazine are reaching critical levels.” No shit, I think when I start coughing again, but that is the least of my problems. The driver coil is already starting to overheat and it’s only a matter of time before it causes the plasma to ignite. I only see one remaining option. “Let’s try to cut the plasma flow.” If by some miracle it works, it will leave us without engines. But if I can’t bypass the engine, which I half expect, I’ll have to shut down the entire EPS system. And that will leave us completely without power. The Captain looks at me and understands the severity of the situation. “Let me send out a distress call first.” She moves to the front to send out the standard message. There is no time for anything more. She turns to me a second later, when she’s finished. “Do it.” The impulse drive is the heart of the Delta Flyer’s EPS system. So bypassing it without compromising the entire system is a risky endeavor at best. I start closing off the intake manifold but notice immediately that the flow regulators can’t take the pressure. “It won’t work. I can’t bypass the engine.” My lungs are burning from the hydrazine and I know we don’t have much time left. I scramble to my feet towards EPS control. “We should vent all the plasma.” I can’t stop the heart from pumping, but I can take away the blood. It’s a desperate measure, trying to stop the whole system from blowing up and destroying us with it. My fingers fly over the controls. Without the plasma, the EPS system will no longer be operational. So even if I can keep the Delta Flyer in one piece, it will still be dead in space filled with poisonous gas. I cough again and notice that the display in front of me is starting to get blurry. “Start getting into a spacesuit.” I yell at the Captain as I vent all the plasma. All the shuttle’s lights first blink and then darken and the sudden silence is deafening. I cough again. “Captain?” My wrist light cuts through the darkness until I find her hunched over the tactical station. She’s not moving. I have to get her into a spacesuit, and myself as well. If I don’t, we die. I’m on my knees now, crawling towards the storage compartment. It’s getting harder to breathe, harder to move. But I will get those suits.
That is the last thought on my mind before I lose consciousness.

-TOM-
‘Holodeck 1 – 1800 hours: your last night as a free man.’
It’s the message Harry sends me when we’re halfway through our shift on the Bridge. I turn around and grin at him. This should be fun. For a second I feel a bit guilty for getting rid of B’Elanna the way I did, but I know she’ll forgive me. She has forgiven worse things. Like the time I went skydiving with Harry while I’d promised to go with her. Or when I’d lost track of time tinkering with my old Chevy on the Holodeck on the night B’Elanna had cooked a whole dinner for my birthday. Or the time she’d caught me playing warrior with her personal Bat’leth. She forgave me for all of that, eventually. I’m sure this time will be no different.

I turn to Harry, to let him know I’ll be there but he’s frowning at his console. He doesn’t even notice me when he looks up. “Commander, we’re receiving a distress call from the Delta Flyer.” My heart skips a beat and immediately I’m on alert. “What does it say?” I ask before Chakotay can. “It’s the standard message.” Harry elaborates. Even before Chakotay has ordered to turn around I’ve already laid in the course to their last known coordinates. At high warp it will take us the better part of an hour to get there. Harry tries to hail the Flyer, but there is no response. A feeling of dread nestles in the pit of my stomach as minutes go by without any word. “Long range sensors are detecting an explosion.” Tuvok’s words make my eyes widen in shock. “The Flyer?” I ask. The Vulcan tilts his head as he tries to make sense of the data on his screen. “We’re too far away to be sure.” My heart starts racing and I push Voyager’s engines to the max in an effort to get there a few seconds faster. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds. Maybe it was only a minor explosion that looked worse on sensors. Maybe they got out somehow before the explosion. Maybe it wasn’t even the Flyer but another spacecraft… My head spins trying to come up with scenarios that explain the current events without leading to grave physical harm done to my future wife. “I have a visual.” Harry notifies us and without delay he puts the image on the screen. It takes me a while to comprehend that I’m looking at a debris field. Most of it seems vaporized, but the few bigger parts that are still there can easily be recognized as part of the Delta Flyer. “Life signs?” Chakotay asks behind me. I don’t need to see Harry shaking his head to know that no one could have made it out of that explosion in one piece. “Any sign they transported out before the explosion?” Chakotay continues. To where? I want to yell. There’s nothing but empty space around us. “There are no ships or any other life signs we can detect within sensor range.” I wonder how Tuvok’s voice can still be so calm at a moment like this.
“No!” It takes me a moment to realize I’m the one yelling. “She’s out there somewhere. She’s alive!” Surely we can’t just give up? “There are traces of organic molecules in the debris.” Tuvok adds. “Possibly humanoid.” I want to take his words and stuff them back in his throat. A hand lands on my shoulder and I turn to see Chakotay standing behind me with tears in his eyes. “We’ll analyze every cubic millimeter of this debris field to find out what happened.” He speaks softly as he squeezes my shoulder. As if that will make it easier for me to accept what I don’t want to hear. B’Elanna is gone. Billions of little pieces of her are floating around in the debris field ahead of us.
I wonder: if I could find them all, could I piece her back together?

-KATHRYN-
When I wake, it feels like my consciousness is detaching itself from an inky black murkiness that feels both soothing and empty at the same time. Every breath I take seems to make me a little lighter and I rise higher and higher until I break free from it. Dazedly I open my eyes and I exhale, exhausted by my escape. For a tenth of a second I’m content to just be here. And then I realize I have no idea where ‘here’ is. More alert now, I sit up to get a better look at my surroundings. There’s nothing I recognize. Tentatively, I swing my legs off the bed so I can get up and explore but then a woman enters the room. “You’re up.” She smiles and somehow I know that she’s happy to see me awake. “Where am I?” I ask abruptly. “Who are you?” When she approaches me, my first instinct is to recoil, but somehow I suddenly know with absolute certainty that I can trust her. “I’m Tenna.” She offers. ‘You’re safe now.’ Those last words were not spoken out loud, I realize with a shock. I stare at her. “You just spoke to me in my head.” Again, a smile dances around her lips. ‘Yes.’ It’s startling, to hear her voice in my head. Although ‘feeling’ it might be a more accurate description. “Do you remember who you are?” Tenna asks, out loud this time to catch my attention. My head snaps up. “Kathryn Janeway.” I answer. “Captain of the Federation starship Voyager.” I was on a mission in the Delta Flyer to study a binary quasar, but then there was a hydrazine leak. I struggle for a moment to remember what happened after that. “How did I get here exactly?” Before Tenna can answer, our attention is drawn to some ruckus behind the door. “I don’t care what you say, I want to see her for myself.” An angry voice resounds and I recognize it as B’Elanna’s even before the door swings open and my half-Klingon Chief Engineer stomps inside, followed by another person. She stops abruptly when she sees me. I feel a strange sensation of relief flow through me. “Captain.” B’Elanna grins and I realize with a start that the relief I’m feeling is not mine. It’s hers. “They told me you were okay, but I didn’t want to take their word for it.” I nod dumbfounded. Why am I picking up on her feelings? Tenna tilts her head and frowns. “Because you’re telepaths.” She answers my unspoken question. I blink owlishly. I feel an echo of my confusion. “No we’re not.” B’Elanna answers with a frown. She turns to the man beside her. “What the hell did you do to us?” Her anger slides in between my confusion. Its strength takes me by surprise. “We picked up your distress call.” Tenna starts. “We found your ship, drifting in space without power.” She pauses. “You were both… dead.”
My eyebrows rise. “Dead?” Tenna nods. “Eru and I revived you.” There’s a second of silence. “How?” B’Elanna’s curiosity rivals mine. “With Seku’uro.” Eru replies matter-of-factly. Tenna jumps in. “Seku’uro is a technique that Eru and I developed. It essentially jump-starts every cell in your body simultaneously.” I struggle to take it all in. “And this made us telepathic?” B’Elanna asks, already a couple of steps ahead. But Tenna shakes her head. “No.” She shares a look with Eru, but I can’t sense their thoughts. “Your telepathic abilities might be a side-effect. We think this ability was already latently present in your genome. It’s reasonable to assume that these dormant genes were activated during Seku’uro.” They both seem a little less confident than they did before. “You assume it might be like that?” B’Elanna rebukes acerbically. “What is this? Some kind of freaking science experiment? Can this be reversed?” Eru shares an uncomfortable look with Tenna. “We don’t know. This has never been an issue before.”
B’Elanna is just about ready to explode and I throw her a look, silently warning her to tone it down. She turns to me and I feel the full force of her fury directed towards me. “What? These people just messed with our bodies without our consent. And they don’t even know how to fix it! And you want me to calm down?” It strikes me just how deep her feelings run. I always knew that she had a ‘Klingon temperament’, but now is the first time I’m truly realizing what that means. “The treatment is experimental and this is the first time we’ve revived anyone of another race.” Eru offers. “There are bound to be… unforeseen… side-effects.” B’Elanna points at me. “I can sense her thoughts now. That seems like more than just a little ‘side-effect’ to me.” Eru frowns at her. “You’d prefer that we hadn’t performed Seku’uro on you at all?” If they hadn’t, we’d simply be dead right now. That alternative seems even less appealing. I feel B’Elanna’s anger deflate at the thought. “I’d just prefer to be myself.” She mumbles abjectly, although she knows it’s a moot point. I give her a moment to come to the same conclusion I’ve come to. “We’re grateful that you saved us.” I say and Tenna nods her head to me, accepting my thanks and extending her sympathy with our struggle to come to terms with our current situation. “Can you bring us back to our shuttle?” I ask. “I’d like to see if we can repair it.” Tenna shakes her head. “I’m afraid that won’t be possible.” I hear B’Elanna sigh. “The shuttle exploded when you beamed us out, right?” It occurs to me that it’s actually quite a beautiful thing to experience her quick and agile mind in this way. “No wonder, with that hydrazine leak.” She shakes her head. “We’re molecular biologists.” Eru apologizes. “We didn’t realize that would happen.” B’Elanna shrugs. I can feel that her anger has vanished by now, almost as quickly as it came. “Doesn’t matter. That shuttle was probably total loss anyway.” Eru seems rather relieved at her words. “Is there any way you can contact our ship?” I ask, eager to take constructive action. “Of course.” Tenna nods. “But we could use your help with that.”

After I’ve made contact with Voyager I find B’Elanna standing at the window, pensively staring outside. She turns when I step inside the room. It takes me less than a second to pick up on her mood. “Why are you feeling guilty?” I ask, stepping closer to her, frowning. She shrugs. “I should’ve reacted faster with the hydrazine leak. I thought I had it under control and I didn’t. And as a result we ended up like this.” She rattles on. “It’s alright B’Elanna.” I interrupt her but she just stares at me. “Alright? It’s not alright! I don’t want to be a telepath.” She narrows her eyes when she points at me. “And I know you don’t want to be one either.” I open my mouth to tell her that I don’t care, but before I can say anything she throws me a challenging look, daring me to actually say the words. Well, so much for lying to her when she can read my thoughts.
B’Elanna sighs heavily. “I have enough to deal with when it’s only just me in my head. I don’t want to pick up on everyone else’s thoughts as well. No offense.” Considering what I’ve been through and what I’ve witnessed from her in the past couple of hours, I complete understand. “None taken.” Sympathetically, I move closer and reach out to place my hand on her shoulder in an effort to comfort her. When I make contact, the murmur of her thoughts that I’ve started to become used to hearing in the back of my mind, suddenly becomes oppressive and omnipresent in my head. With a gasp B’Elanna pulls away from my touch at the same time as I retract my hand from her shoulder. “What the hell was that?” Our bewilderment is entirely shared. It happened when we touched, so tentatively we both reach out a hand to one another, fingers extended until we touch again. Immediately the sensations in me intensify again, but this time it’s less frightening because I know it’s coming. I stare at B’Elanna while I let the sensations wash over me. She does the same. Somehow it’s now so much more than just the random thoughts I’ve been picking up on so far. It’s like I can sense the essence of her being. It’s a wondrous feeling to see someone like this. It’s pure, raw, unedited, complex, intense… and deeply personal. This ability has been lying dormant in our DNA and I wonder if we, as a species, were actually meant to see each other like this. How different our society would be if we’d been capable of this from the start. The enormity of this experience is rather overwhelming and gently we both retract our fingers. The intensity of the connection lessens immediately. “Wow.” B’Elanna breathes, the wonder of the experience still lingering in her mind. “Wow indeed.” I murmur. Of all the things that I’ve ever experienced in my life, this is certainly one of the most mind-blowing of all.

-B’ELANNA-
“Your ship will arrive in a couple of minutes.” Eru informs us and he bows his head. “I’m afraid our research towards reversing the telepathic abilities you both display because of Seku’uro has been unsuccessful.” I can sense his displeasure about that. It’s partly because the answer is disappointing us, but more so because his scientific mind is unwilling to accept that there is no solution for this problem. Somehow I can appreciate that. Tenna also offers her sympathy. “It’s a very complex challenge. I’m sorry we cannot offer you a solution.” The Captain nods once, resigned. “We’re still alive.” She replies. “That’s what counts.” Outwardly she appears calm and collected, but I can sense her doubts beneath the surface. It’s been interesting to see glimpses of the feelings that she usually hides behind her command mask. It somehow comforts me to know that she also struggles with her feelings sometimes, although hers seem a lot less volatile than mine. “Your ship is ready to transport you back.” Eru indicates and Janeway takes a deep breath as she taps her combadge. “Janeway to Voyager. Energize.”

As soon as I’ve materialized on Voyager an onslaught of emotion washes over me like a tidal wave. I’m aware of the thoughts and feelings from all the people who have gathered in the Transporter Room. There’s happiness that we’re alive and well. Wonder about what happened to us. Curiosity at our newfound telepathic abilities. Waves of thoughts and feelings that are so strong they almost literally knock me off my feet. Next to me, the Captain seems to be experiencing the same thing. Before I can say or do anything Tom jumps on the transport platform and gathers me in his arms. “I knew you were alive.” The physical contact between us only magnifies the feelings that I pick up from him. ‘I love you. I’m so glad you’re okay. I’ll never let go of you again.’ His feelings of relief drown out everything else and his presence is so overpowering that it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. “Tom.” I roughly push him away before I can help myself. The contact breaks and I feel my sense of self return, along with Tom’s surprise and hurt at my recoiling from him. “I’m…” I offer, wondering how to make him understand how I’m feeling, how I didn’t recoil from him but rather because I got so overwhelmed by his emotions. I wasn’t great at this type of conversation before, and now that I’m like this, it seems even more of a challenge to put my feelings into words.
Luckily the Doctor steps in. “Captain, Lieutenant.” I focus on him. His holographic presence is an island of quietness in the midst of all the other thoughts surrounding me. “It’s good to have you back. However, given your recent experiences, I’d like to perform a full physical check-up before you resume your duties.” Next to me, Janeway nods, outwardly hiding her relief of being offered an –albeit temporary– escape from our friends and colleagues. “I think that might be best.”

In Sickbay, the Captain and I are each sitting on a biobed, rather subdued. The Doctor made a full biometric scan of both of us and is now comparing the results with his previous records in order to determine exactly how the Seku’uro procedure changed us. I feel rather than see Janeway’s focus shift to me and I look up to find her studying me. “Are you okay?” I can sense her worry for my wellbeing already before she utters the words. I know she can pick up on how fragile I’m feeling right now. “I’m not sure I can do this for the rest of my life.” I exhale. The expression on her face matches her feelings of sympathy. I suddenly feel very grateful that at least someone understands the enormity of this. “Don’t get me wrong but… I’m sort of glad that we’re in this together.” I grin wryly. She smiles, genuinely with all her being, and it somehow makes the weight on my shoulders lessen a bit. “I know. Me too.” We keep eye contact and it makes me feel less fragile and more in control. “The good news is that you’re both in perfect health.” The Doctor startles us both as he enters the room. Is the fact that we didn’t notice his holographic presence approaching an indication that we’re already starting to rely on our telepathic abilities like some sort of sixth sense? Like sound or smell? Oblivious to my thoughts, the Doctor continues. “Although your brain activity is now significantly different compared to human or Klingon standards.” He brings up the scans on the screen next to us. “Both your cognitive patterns are in fact more consistent with what we see in a Vulcan or Betazoid brain in a sense.” He smirks. “But don’t worry, you’re still fully human.” Then he shrugs and turns from the Captain to me. “Or half human, half Klingon in your case.” He smirks, but I ignore him. “Is there any way you can change these thought patterns?” I ask. “Can you turn us back into our normal selves?” The EMH’s expression sobers. “I’m afraid it’s not that simple.” He answers. “While your DNA hasn’t been altered as such, the expression of your genes is now occurring in a fundamentally different way.” He pauses. “Even if I could localize all the sequences that were previously dormant, I have no way of modifying all your cells at once to make them go dormant again and stay that way.” He sighs. “I will continue to investigate possible treatments but quite frankly, this is beyond our current abilities.” I exhale deeply, resigned to the fact that I’ll have no choice but to accept the hand that fate has dealt me.

-TOM-
My heart starts beating a little faster when I enter our quarters and I see B’Elanna standing at the window, looking at the stars. I try not to think about the last couple of days, when I couldn’t stand to be here because everything in this room reminded me of her. I slept on Harry’s lumpy couch for four nights and my back still hates me for it. But that’s all in the past now. Like a bad dream, best to be forgotten.
When B’Elanna turns to me I feel a surge of love for her. I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am that she’s alive. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone before. And I’m the luckiest man ever to be marrying her. She smiles at me and I smile back, but I also notice she tenses up a little, like she’s steeling herself. I clearly remember her similar reaction in the transporter room so I purposely keep my distance, allowing her some space. “So, you’re a telepath now.” I state lightly. She bites her lip as she nods timidly. She seems insecure so I decide to turn on my goofy charm to put her at ease. “Okay so I’m thinking about a number between one and a hundred.” She smiles and tilts her head. “It doesn’t work that way.” I grin. “How does it work?” I ask, curious, and she exhales. “I can’t hear your thoughts word for word. It’s more like I can feel… a current of your emotions.” I look at her, trying to picture it. “So you feel what I feel?” I ask and she nods. “Something like that. I think.” She rubs her head. “I’m trying to figure it all out as I go along.” She seems a bit embarrassed about it, uncertain and insecure. “Well…” I offer in a serious voice. “If you can read my feelings, I guess I better come clean about something.” She frowns at me, wondering what I’m getting at. “I mean, you’re going to find out eventually, so I might as well tell you now…” Her eyebrows rise expectantly, a trace of worry in her eyes. “What?” I exhale heavily, leaving a little pause before I speak. “I really hate the pajamas you got me for my birthday last month.” She rolls her eyes, but I can see that she feels less awkward now. “Idiot.” She grins and we just smile at each other for a moment. “I missed you too.” She says after a beat and ducks her head. I smile and reach out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. But she veers away from my touch as if burned. “Are you okay?” I ask her, worried and a little hurt because of her evasive behavior. Slowly, she exhales. “It’s just… a lot more intense when you touch me.” She pauses and tilts her head as she gives me a wry grin. “I suppose I’ll need to get used to that.” I wink back, thinking about some of our best moments together. “That would be nice yes.” I decide to steer the conversation away from this topic by going to the replicator. “You want a beer?” That earns me a full smile. “You read my mind.” She flops down on the couch and I hand her a replicated bottle before I sit down next to her with my own, careful not to be too close but not too far either. We sit in silence for a moment, taking a couple of swigs of our beers. The events of the past few days come back to me. “There was a memorial service for you and the Captain two days ago. People said nice things.” Yet all I could think of that day was that it was supposed to be our wedding day, and not her funeral. It felt so surreal to say goodbye to our future instead of starting it. Beside me, B’Elanna reaches out for me but stops before she actually touches me. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.” I lock eyes with her and a surge of love flows through me. Her eyes widen and she tentatively extends her hand, reaching for mine in my lap. I keep still as her fingers gently curl around mine. I hear her suck in a breath. Can she pick up my feelings now? That seems so strange. “I love you so much.” I breathe. She nods almost imperceptibly. “I can feel it…” Her words make me wonder what it’s like to see someone else’s mind. “I can’t really describe it.” She answers my unspoken question and with a start I realize she probably ‘heard’ me thinking about it. I would be lying if I said her new powers don’t intimidate me a little bit. “You think I’m a freak.” B’Elanna utters, thrown by my musings. She wants to pull back from me, but I hold on to her hands because I want her to feel how deeply I mean what I’m going to say. “A freak I want to marry more than anything.”

-KATHRYN-
I’ve been thinking that maybe my newfound telepathy is cosmic karma for my involvement in severing Seven of Nine’s link to the Collective. Because of me, she went from thousands of voices to just one. And now my head is filled with the thoughts and feelings of everyone around me. Coincidence?
During my time as Captain I have grown a thick skin for halting conversations when I enter a room, for furtive looks in my direction at a party on the Holodeck, for uneasy small talk or crewmembers laughing a little too hard at my jokes. I’ve learned to accept that this is all part of being the Captain and that the distance, though sometimes painful, is necessary for a good functioning chain of command. I used to notice all of it and tell myself that it was okay like that. But as much as I’ve trained myself to ignore all the signs, it’s impossible right now for me to ignore the thoughts and feelings that are directed my way when I step into a room. This morning I was in the turbolift with two uncomfortable crewmen who were wondering if I could really read their thoughts and if that meant that I knew about their relationship, which is technically against protocol because they both work in Sensor Analysis. And when I went to get coffee in the Mess Hall, Neelix kept trying to telepathically message me that our miraculous return from the dead was a great reason to throw a party, even though I explicitly forbade him to do it the day before. And those are just two examples of a myriad of awkward encounters.

I last all of ten minutes on the Bridge before I feel the need to get out of there. In my Ready Room, I order a large pot of coffee, hoping that the caffeine and some solitude will be enough to appease my emerging headache. I wonder if I will ever get used to feeling like my mind is a sponge, soaking up every nuance of feeling out there, without choice.
I’m sure B’Elanna must be going nuts because of it as well. I sigh when the doorchime interrupts my much needed quiet time and try to mentally steel myself before answering.
Chakotay enters, takes a look at the big pot of coffee and then gives me a sympathetic look. He opens his mouth to speak but I hold up my hand to stop him. I tilt my head a little. “You’re sorry for what has happened to me, a little bit worried about how I’m holding up, but also curious as to what it feels like to have mind-reading powers.” I start relaying the things I’m picking up from him. “Oh, and there comes the small sliver of apprehension about being ‘read’ without your consent and the subsequent feeling of guilt because you’re worrying about yourself when my side of things must be so much more uncomfortable.” His eyebrows rise. “So let me counter the question that is on your mind with: how okay do I sound, in your opinion?” He stares at me, dumbfounded for a moment. Then he grins. “I’m pretty sure even that pot of coffee is not big enough to counter the headache you must be having.” I exhale deeply and snicker. “You’re right, it’s not.” I pour us both a cup and sit down on the couch next to him. “Don’t worry, I’ll be alright.” I answer his unspoken question. “I guess it will just take some time to get used to my… abilities.” He nods slowly, studying me. Beneath the surface I can sense how much he cares about me. “I’m glad you’re still alive.” He says softly. His words are tinged with a little hint of longing, a desire to be more than just a caring friend. He told me a long time ago about his feelings for me. I told him that I couldn’t return them and we didn’t speak of it again. But I guess those feelings still linger at the edges of his consciousness. I revel in them for a short moment, touched by the fact that someone cares so deeply about me. I’d be lying if I said that I’d never wondered about what it would be like to just give in and be with him. I’ve just never been sure it was what I wanted, and looking at him now I know I made the right choice. So I just smile at him. “I am too.” I agree and his thoughts turn towards the memorial service. His accompanying gut wrenching feelings of loss grab me by the throat. The intensity of his feelings makes me uncomfortable and I scoot forward to grab one of the PADDs on the coffee table. “I guess I better get some work done.” I mumble and he turns to me with a worried frown. “Are you sure you should be working already?” His concern is genuine. “Maybe you should take it easy.” I smirk and wave the PADD around. “These things don’t talk back, not even to a telepath.” I shrug. “I never thought I’d say it, but reading inventory reports actually makes me feel sane these days.” He chuckles. “Well if you’re into paperwork now, I’ll gladly send mine over.” I roll my eyes while lightly swatting him on the chest. Even this brief physical contact between us causes my abilities to be activated at full force. It’s overwhelming and awkward to sense Chakotay’s mind so directly and I quickly withdraw my hand. Although I know that he hasn’t noticed a thing, I find myself unnerved anyway. These small touches –an appreciative pat on the shoulder, a comforting squeeze of the arm– are an integral part of my communication style. I’ve always relied on these little gestures as a way to reduce the distance between myself as Captain and the rest of the crew. I find they facilitate trust, which is essential for a good relationship between a Captain and her crew. But I also make this basic form of contact for my own sake. Because it’s just about the only physical interaction I have with other people. These touches make me feel connected, less like an outsider looking in, and the fact of the matter is that I’ve grown to depend on them to mitigate the loneliness that comes with being the Captain. It nearly brings tears to my eyes to think that this simple connection to the people around me has now been taken away from me. It’s a cruel irony that this ability allows me to see the people around me more clearly than I ever have while at the same time it makes me feel utterly cut off from them.

-B’ELANNA-
I’m dreaming that I’m pregnant. And in my dream I’m really excited about it. As my mind struggles its way back to consciousness, the feeling of excitement doesn’t abate and that strikes me as very odd. Ever since Tom and I discussed it, the thought of actually being pregnant has freaked me out. And it still does. So the juxtaposition of both feelings I’m having, puzzles me. As I become aware of my surroundings, I notice Tom’s arm is draped around me and all of a sudden it makes sense: the excitement I’m feeling is his, not mine. In fact, I realize, the entire dream is also his. And since he’s still asleep, it continues, with images of him lovingly placing his hands on my belly to feel the baby kick. I groan inwardly, cursing these god-damned telepathic powers for the umpteenth time. Carefully I try to wriggle myself from under Tom’s arm without waking him up.
Alone in the bathroom, I splash some water in my face and take a deep breath as the images of Tom’s dream slowly start to dissipate from my mind. I feel guilty. From the moment we decided to start a family, I knew I’d need time to get used to the idea, but I was also pretty sure I’d eventually get there. Yet now, since my alteration, I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know how to tell him that I need more time to get used to who I am now before I can even begin to think about having a child. And I can feel how much he wants it. That knowledge only makes it harder to talk to him about it, because I know how much it will hurt him. I sigh and I don’t know what to do. My mirror image stares back at me, just as clueless. Am I even the same person anymore? Now that I know what people want from me, how they see me, what they think of me, I don’t know if I can ever live up to that. Tom wants me to be a mother. My engineering crew needs me to be their leader. My friends prefer it if I don’t go too Klingon on them. But what do I want? What do I need? The things I pick up from others throw me off course all the time, even if their thoughts have nothing to do with me at all. I never realized how Tal Celes thinks of herself as completely worthless. Or how lonely crewman Jor is. Or that Susan Nicoletti secretly pines for Fred Ayala but is too insecure to tell him. So many people around me live behind their facades, hiding their true feelings. Yet now I can sense their truth and I don’t know what to do with that. Part of me wants to ignore it all, for my own sanity. Another part of me wants to bluntly confront them so they can deal with their issues and move on. It’s come to the point that I prefer working with Vorrik, because as a Vulcan, he keeps his thoughts and feelings neatly in check, making the whole interaction a lot less complicated for me.

I hear noises in the bedroom and a minute later Tom appears in the bathroom. He kisses me lightly on the shoulder in passing. “Did you sleep well?” He asks, activating the sonic shower. “Yes.” I lie, not ready to disclose that his dream has become my nightmare. I feel horrible for lying to the man I’m going to marry in a couple of days.
“Harry and I are going skydiving after work. Want to come?” He continues, obviously unaware of my issues. “I can’t.” I reply truthfully. “Tuvok has offered to help me and the Captain with controlling our telepathic abilities.” Tom pokes his head around the shower wall and frowns at me. “Is he going to do a mind meld?” I shrug at his question and answer honestly. “I don’t know. But at this point I’m ready to try anything.” Tom switches off the shower and steps out. His concern for me is palpable and I find it comforting. I need that, I think. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you.” He speaks softly and reaches out to touch me, only to stop remembering how unnerving that is for me. “I’m here for you, whatever it takes.” I give him a small smile, grateful for the sense that I’m not alone in this. “Thanks, that means a lot.” He steps closer to me and I can clearly feel the intensity of his emotions. “I mean it. I lost you once. I’m not going to lose you again.” There’s a sharp side to his declaration as he remembers the pain of losing me and silently vows to do everything in his power to realize our future together.
Does that future look like the dream where we’re excited to become parents? Can things ever be that simple again? I find myself hoping that they can, but I fear they won’t be. I exhale heavily, not capable of even beginning to find a way to voice my thoughts. So I hide behind my mask, like so many of us seem to do, wondering how my true self fits into my life. Tom takes my silence for gratitude that I’ve been given a second chance and risks putting a small kiss on my hair before he leaves. “Call me if there’s anything you need.” I nod once, wishing it was just that simple.

-TOM-
It took a lot of shuffling and rearranging but I managed to reserve Holodeck One for an entire week, starting right after our wedding in four days. So I can still take B’Elanna to Chicago on honeymoon, like I had originally planned, and I’m really happy about that. The memory of the dark, gloomy days of her disappearance and presumed death are rapidly receding from my mind and I realize now even more than before how lucky I am to have this second chance with her. I know she’s having difficulty with her new abilities, but I’m pretty sure she’ll get used to it in time. B’Elanna’s strong. If she could make peace with being half Klingon, she’ll overcome this too.

When I arrive at the Holodeck, I find Harry waiting for me already. “Is B’Elanna coming too?” He asks and I shake my head. “No, she had other things to do.” He looks suspiciously relieved and I narrow my eyes. “You seem happy about that.” The color that appears on his cheeks tells me I’m onto something, so I push a little more. “Did something happen?” I love watching him squirm until he finally can’t hold it in anymore. “I was just wondering if she’s alright. This afternoon I was working with her to reprogram the cooling system of the dilithium matrix and she kind of exploded at me out of the blue.” I tilt my head. I don’t need telepathic powers to know he’s not being entirely truthful. “What did you do Harry?” He shrugs but the look on his face tells me he knows exactly what he did wrong. “I was only… daydreaming and B’Elanna just started yelling at me that I had to focus on my work.” Sometimes I wish I was a mind-reader just so I wouldn’t have to drag it all out of people. “What did she say, exactly?” He lowers his head. “That if I didn’t stop thinking about Sevens boobs, she would rip my eyes out of my sockets so I would never be able to even look at them again.” I grin and shake my head. “Harry, Harry…” I pat him on the shoulder. “I don’t know how you do it, these days.” He retorts. “How are you even still alive, given your filthy mind?” I give him a smug look. “Real love changes all that Harry. I don’t even think about other women now.” He doesn’t seem convinced and I grin. “At least not when she’s around.” I add and wink at him. “Come on. Let’s go skydiving.”

-KATHRYN-
As soon as I enter Tuvok’s quarters it seems like I can release a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding all day. The quiet atmosphere, Tuvok’s contained mind, the serene décor… It all adds to the feeling of relief that washes over me. I have no idea what Tuvok has planned, but I do know that at least there will be some constructive attempt to try to take control of my newfound abilities. I sense those same feelings of relief and anticipation mirrored in B’Elanna. I think back to what she said in Sickbay a couple of days ago. ‘I’m glad we’re in this together.’ When I glance at her, I’m not surprised to find her smiling at me.
“As promised, I will attempt to guide you in the process of trying to control your telepathic capabilities. However,” Tuvok addresses us, “it would serve you well to remember that, as a Vulcan, I underwent years of rigorous training to achieve the level of control you can sense in me.” He tilts his head, making sure we understand. “I will attempt to provide you with some techniques that will center you and allow you to block emotions coming from those around you to a certain degree. While the techniques themselves are rather simple, they do require a large amount of mental discipline. You and you alone will be responsible for how successful these exercises will be.” Next to me, B’Elanna nods impatiently. “Okay, so what do we do?” She’s eager to get started. Tuvok remains unfazed and lightly inclines his head. “The first thing I want you to practice is how to maintain a sense of self. When exposed to the many voices around you, it is imperative they don’t drown out your own voice. For this exercise, I want you to close your eyes and focus on your physical self, your body.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes as instructed, and then wonder how I am supposed to do just that. Luckily, Tuvok’s monotone voice continues, helping me to guide my attention. “Notice your lungs filling with air as you breathe. Notice the contact that you are making with the chair upon which you’re sitting, the floor on which your feet rest. How your hands lay folded in your lap. How your neck muscles keep your head in its upright position.” I follow his instructions and slowly become aware of my body and the sensations it experiences. I usually don’t pay any attention to them, but it does feel… simple to focus on something this mundane. It relaxes me. “Feel these various sensations and notice how they don’t extend beyond your skin.” Tuvok continues. “This is the boundary of your physical self, the shell in which it is contained. For a large part, you are in control of the objects that cross this perimeter.” I sense what he’s getting at. “Your thoughts and emotions expand far beyond this physical shell in many different dimensions, but nevertheless they are not infinite. They are contained inside your mind, just like your body is contained inside your skin, and you are in control.” I visualize all my thoughts and feelings contained in a giant translucent bubble around me and try to tell myself that the thoughts of others are on the outside. I see them collide with the bubble and how they bounce back unless I decide to let them through. “Very good.” Tuvok’s voice is soft next to me. I have been so focused on myself that I didn’t sense him approach. I also nearly forgot B’Elanna’s presence in the room. “Remember that feeling of being centered and in control. You will find that this visualization will help you reach this state when you feel overwhelmed by others.” Tuvok continues his lesson. “In the beginning, you will only be able to reach this state by consciously following the steps we just practiced. However, over time, it will become second nature to regularly touch base with your core self.” I open my eyes and look at Tuvok who gives me an encouraging nod. Next to me, B’Elanna exhales and I can sense her struggling to contain her Klingon impatience. “I’ve never been great at this kind of visualization thing.” She grumbles. “Or any type of meditation for that matter.” I sense her frustration, but more from afar than I would have before. Without thinking I scoot my chair closer to hers and hold out my hand in wordless invitation. For a moment I wonder if I my fragile inner harmony will be able to withstand the intensified sensations that come with contact. But then my need to help her attain the same reprieve from the outside wins and I nod encouragingly as she lightly grabs my hand. I feel her as a tidal wave that crashes against the bubble I’ve created around myself, almost swallowing it whole. But whereas before I would have been drenched, now I only feel a mist of drops, enough to affect me, but not enough to drown. I let her consciousness settle around mine and focus on how I experience my bubble. I feel her intake of breath when she suddenly understands what Tuvok has been talking about. She smiles at me as she lets go of my hand. “Thanks…” I nod, suddenly feeling drained of energy and turn to Tuvok who looks at us puzzled. It occurs to me he doesn’t comprehend what just happened. “We seem to have the ability to share someone’s consciousness when we touch them.” B’Elanna explains to him. “I guess it’s similar to the link of a mind-meld, but more instantaneous.” Tuvok tilts his head. “Interesting.” B’Elanna shrugs. “Well actually, I usually consider it a giant pain in the ass. Last night I dreamt Tom’s dream, just because he had his arm wrapped around me in his sleep.” She grumbles and I raise my eyebrow, wondering what that feels like. “But I suppose in this case it’s quite helpful.” Tuvok merely nods, not quite knowing what to make of it all. “I suppose your powers are not entirely similar to mine.” He offers. “Nevertheless, I think I can still provide useful guidance.” B’Elanna throws me a glance. “No doubt.”

-B’ELANNA-
When I get back to my quarters I try to recall the exact sensation I felt when Janeway was showing me her bubble. It was a combination of trying to maintain control, like walking a tightrope, but also there was a sense of relief and power. I can’t clearly remember it. I try to go through Tuvok’s visualization exercise in order to achieve some clarity all by myself, but I’m not successful either. My mind is too agitated, too restless and the more I try –and fail– to reach for it again, the more annoyed I become. Frustrated I get up and replicate a glass of water. While I drink it, I can effortlessly visualize its way through my body. Water flowing through an esophagus is like plasma in an EPS conduit. It’s tangible, it’s there, and no matter how complex the piping system, I can see it, comprehend it. These things, I can control. But ethereal things like thoughts and feelings, they elude me. I can’t touch or measure them. So how on Earth do I control them? I understand what Tuvok wants me to do. He wants me to ‘raise shields’ and deflect all the thoughts and emotions that are being thrown at me when I’m around others. But what type of shielding works against these damned intangible projectiles?
Tom chooses that moment to walk into the room and I try to ‘brace myself for impact’ as he walks toward me, but it’s no use. His bubbly mood invades mine which only increases my frustration. He also grabs a glass of water. “I never realized Seven’s boobs annoyed you so much.” He grins and the scene with Harry in Engineering this afternoon comes back to my mind. “They do when I’m trying to concentrate on energy calculations.” I reply curtly hoping he’ll get the hint that I’m not interested in this conversation. But he chortles. “So what other dirty things are on Harry’s mind? I want all the juicy details.” I sigh and roll my eyes. “It doesn’t work that way, Tom.” He picks up on my irritation and tones it down a little. “How did it go with Tuvok?” I open my mouth but I have no idea how to put it all into words. So I just shrug. Tom’s genuinely worried now and that somehow makes me choke up. “Are you alright?” He asks. “Did something happen?” He reaches out to touch me but I pull away before he can make contact. I really can’t have that now. “I’m fine.” I lie, a little unsteady. “It’s been… draining.” He studies me carefully while nodding slowly. “Okay.” He’s not entirely sure what to do, that’s quite obvious. “Want to watch something on the television set? That’ll take your mind off things.” I suppose he means well and I figure that it’ll keep him occupied at least so I nod. While two-dimensional cartoon figures chase each other on the screen, I lean back against the back of the couch, safely out of Tom’s reach, and try to focus on the program. I’m watching something called ‘Tom and Jerry’ I notice and I realize with a pang that I have something in common with Jerry: we’re both trying to get away from Tom.

Hours later we’re both in bed. Tom’s already asleep and I’ve taken the opportunity to wedge a pillow between us so that he can’t accidentally touch me during the night. I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling, feeling the fatigue down to my bones but unable to fall asleep. I half consider getting up to find Janeway to ask her to help me achieve that moment of clarity again, but somehow I doubt she’ll appreciate me showing up on her doorstep in the middle of the night. We don’t know each other that well. ‘Nonsense’, my brain tells me, ‘you’ve shared each other’s consciousness. She understands you better than Tom does.’ I sigh and roll to my side. I know she’d let me in if I showed up now. But I won’t impose on her. Because ultimately, we all have to carry our burdens alone.

-TOM-
I survey the table one last time and smile with satisfaction at the perfect breakfast. Toast, two kinds of jam, freshly squeezed orange juice, coffee, yoghurt, fresh grapes and strawberries, croissants,… I even replicated flowers. And I put a note saying ‘Enjoy your day off, starting with breakfast! Love, Tom x’. In theory, B’Elanna didn’t have today off. But yesterday she was clearly having a difficult time and then I felt her tossing and turning all night. When I woke up this morning, she was still sound asleep and I couldn’t bear to wake her. So I quietly got out of bed and called Chakotay, explaining how B’Elanna could really use some time to herself. Given recent events, he agreed, of course, and gave her the day off.
If I’m honest, I’m worried about her. I haven’t been allowed to touch her since she got back. She thinks I don’t notice, but whenever I’m around, she subtly keeps the distance between us large enough to prevent me from accidentally reaching out to her. I wonder when she’ll get used to me touching her again. We’re getting married in two days. I’d like to at least kiss my wife without feeling her recoil from my touch. I love her with all my heart. Surely that’s not such a terrible thing for her to feel when she touches me?
I get that it must be difficult for her to be around certain people or even a lot of people in the same space at once. It has to be annoying to constantly hear every thought from everyone all the time, with no escape. But it hurts me a bit that she doesn’t seem to feel at ease with me. Shouldn’t I be different?
I’m secretly counting the days to our wedding and honeymoon. I think it will give us the much needed opportunity to really reconnect. No one else around, no ship’s business or duty shifts, no distractions. Hopefully that’ll be enough for her to get used to seeing me as a safe haven again. By then, the first shock of her new abilities should have worn off. And her sessions with Tuvok should provide her with some strategies on getting a handle on things. Maybe I should talk to Tuvok too. He probably has valuable tips and tricks for me as well on how to help B’Elanna adjust to life as a telepath. I’m curious how her first session with Tuvok went. But B’Elanna seemed very tired last night, so I tried to keep things light and superficial, trying to give her some time to recover. I’m sure she’ll talk about it when she’s ready. And I’ll be here for her when she is.

-KATHRYN-
Here’s what I’ve learned so far about the ‘bubble’ method: it works when I really focus. I’ve been able to reduce the roar of other people’s thoughts into a mere background buzz. I’ve been successful at this in the Mess Hall, on the Bridge and standing in the turbolift with three Crewmen. And I’m really happy for that. But there are also a few drawbacks. Not only does it require a lot of mental energy, leaving me dead tired after only ten minutes. I’m also so internally focused that it makes me appear completely spaced out. On several occasions today I realized way too late that people were talking to me. I wonder which is worse: for the crew to keep their distance because they’re not comfortable with my mind-reading abilities or because they think I’ve gone completely crazy altogether.
When I walk into the Briefing Room for the weekly staff meeting I notice an empty spot. “Is B’Elanna not joining us?” Tom turns to me. “She has the day off.” At my questioning frown he elaborates. “She’s been pushing herself too hard since the accident.” He’s clearly worried about her. “Is she okay?” I think back to our session with Tuvok last night and share his concern. It has been difficult for her. “I hope so.” The uncharacteristic softness in Tom’s voice does nothing to assuage my concern.

“Come in.” A wave of annoyance greets me when I enter B’Elanna’s quarters early that afternoon. It lessens when she realizes it’s me who is disturbing her. “Everything okay?” I venture and she shrugs. “Tom thinks I need a day off.” I nod, taking a seat on the couch next to her, careful about not being too close. “He’s worried about you.” She sighs. “I know. And it’s nice. But… he doesn’t really understand.” She looks down. “No one does.” Her desolation mirrors mine. I do understand what it’s like. Her head pops up. “I didn’t mean to imply…” She studies my face. “I know it’s been hard on you too.” I shrug, suddenly uncomfortable that the focus of this conversation has now shifted to me. I’ve always preferred to bear my burdens in silence. “But you shouldn’t have to.” B’Elanna blurts out and I’m sharply reminded that she’s a mind-reader too. Somehow I’d forgotten that for a moment, but now I can sense how she sees right through me. It makes me feel exposed. “It’s okay.” B’Elanna speaks softly. She reaches out for me, but her hand stops mid-air, mindful of the extra connection that comes with touch. “I think we all need someone to see us for who we really are, behind our façade.” I know she means well, but still. “I like my façade just fine.” I croak. She tilts her head to study me and I feel her weighing the fact that I’m her Captain against the fact that we’re the only two people on board understanding what it’s like to become a telepath overnight. “All the time?” Her question cuts right to the heart of things. “No.” I say and I surprise both of us with the honesty of that answer. “But I do like to be in control.” She grimaces at my words. “I don’t know how you do it. How you stay so calm on the outside. You’re struggling with this just as much as I am, but you’re still the same steadfast Captain to us all.” I stare at her. “I’m not.” I confess. “I’ve been letting Chakotay handle my meetings with the Department Heads, in exchange for doing his paperwork.” I don’t have to explain how unlike me that is. She looks at me for a moment. “I’ve been yelling at Harry because he kept focusing on Seven’s bosom.” She confesses in turn and that makes me grin. I reposition myself, bowing closer to her conspiratorially. “Yesterday I went from my Ready Room to my quarters through the Jefferies tubes because I didn’t feel like running into anyone.” By now B’Elanna is grinning as well. “I keep volunteering Vorrik to work with me, because his feelings are so wonderfully contained.” I chuckle, thinking about the unedited thoughts people have displayed around me. “My god, I don’t even want to know half the things I pick up on from certain people.” B’Elanna makes a face. “Tell me about it.” She rolls her eyes, but I can feel her mood lighten. “I don’t want to know that Ensign Parks is worried about the weird rash on his genitals. Or how crewman Tate stole Megan Delaney’s underwear. Or how Nicoletti obsesses over how her uniform makes her ass look big.” I snicker. “Well, what about Neelix remembering every detail of his night on the holodeck with an Altarian masseuse as he pours you a cup of coffee…” I offer. “Or how Seven mentally tallies all the times you miss a shot while playing Velocity and attributes it to your increased bodyweight of approximately 1.5 kg since the last time you played together…” B’Elanna laughs out loud. “Yeah, you win that one.” I snort indignantly. “It was only 1 kg, tops.” But I’m happy that she’s smiling. Our eyes lock and I suddenly feel so lucky to have this kind of connection with someone. I sense B’Elanna’s surprise with that sentiment, like she hasn’t thought of it that way. “This alteration has to come with good things too.” I murmur. Our telepathic abilities are more than just a burden. They also bring us understanding and union. A sense of gratitude flows from B’Elanna, together with some kind of hope that living with these powers has its upsides too. In a reflex I grab her hand, wanting to reassure her of that. At the contact, I unexpectedly feel a flash of desire flow through me. Warm, deep, intense. I wonder for a brief second if it’s coming from her or from me. Then B’Elanna retracts her hand. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” I stare at her dumbfounded. “My Klingon side gets a little carried away sometimes.” She adds, doing her best to make it sound light. I sense her embarrassment about it, hoping I’ll drop the subject. I’m too surprised to press further anyway. “No worries.” I say and I get up from the couch. “I hope you feel better.” She gets up too, walking me to the door. “Thanks for coming to visit me.” Before I leave, I turn to her. “We’re in this together. Don’t forget that.” She throws me a grateful smile.

-B’ELANNA-
I sit on the couch and stare at the door for a long time after she has left.
Kathryn Janeway has been many things to me in the past. I’ve hated her, I’ve admired her, I have fought with her on many occasions. Over the years, she’s presented me with all kinds of challenges and encouraged me to come up with my own solutions each time. I’ve always respected her for her scientific mind and her leadership, even when I disagreed with her. But it’s only since the accident I feel like she really shifted into focus for me. I never knew the woman behind the Captain. And I suspect not many people do. I think back to my reaction to her, that flare of desire that surged through me when she grabbed my hand. It surprised me, though probably not as much as it surprised her. She’s always mattered to me somehow. I always cared for what she thought, even during the times when we didn’t get along. I’ve always cared… And now that I’ve come to know her on a much more personal level, I think that feeling runs even deeper. The way she looked at me, right before she took my hand, made me feel like I mattered to her as well. I think that’s what prompted my reaction. I think in that moment, I wanted her to look at me like that forever, like I was all that mattered. I wanted her to want me.
“How was your day off?” Tom has entered the room and I didn’t even notice. I study him for a moment. His tone of voice, his movements, his slow boyish smile,… they’re like a warm familiar blanket that I can wrap around myself. I’m suddenly reminded of the adorable insecurity he tried to hide underneath his cocky flyboy exterior when we first started dating. An easy smile slips around my lips. “It’s was nice.” I extend my hand to him and then pat the seat next to me. “Thanks for that.” He flashes me a boyish grin. I can sense he’s happy and relieved that I seem to be feeling better. “Have you eaten?” I shake my head and he heads over to the replicator. “Well then, sit back and let the chef prepare something.” I grin and study his back as he replicates dinner: his slim waist, his sturdy shoulders with strong arms. I remember how these arms feel around me, how safe and protected I’ve always felt in them. And it hits me: he loves me. He wants me. I already have all that. It makes me feel guilty about how I’ve been pushing him away the last couple of days, how I just desired someone else. Tom turns and brings two plates over to the coffee table. Then he walks back and returns with a glass of wine and two long stemmed glasses. He sits down next to me, not too close, and busies himself opening the bottle. “We haven’t had a date night in quite a while…” I venture, my tone deliberately a little husky. He turns to me and smiles. Although he says nothing I notice his confidence rising. He’s been so careful around me since I got back. Now, for the first time, he seems more like his old self. “To date night.” He proposes as he holds out my glass of wine. I look in his eyes and clink my glass against his. “To date night.” We take a swig and then I place both our glasses on the table before scooting a little closer to him. He remains still, letting me take the lead. I reach out and take his hand, trying to focus on my own feelings as his wash over me. “We don’t have to…” He starts, but I place my finger on his lips and shush him. I look into his eyes and see his desire for me. It’s warm and exciting, and I focus on that when I close the distance and kiss him.

-TOM-
I watch B’Elanna’s sleeping form next to me and smile as I remember the previous evening. I remember being a little apprehensive because I didn’t know what I would find when I came home. I was hoping she’d feel relaxed after her day off, but with B’Elanna you never know. She’s always been unpredictable, and even more so since her accident.
But I needn’t have worried, last night was better than anything I could’ve hoped for. It was almost like old times, in our early days, when we weren’t yet completely used to each other and everything was still tinged with newness. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I was a little afraid of her back then, but I certainly kept my wits about me. Being with B’Elanna has a lot of similarities with navigating a minefield at times. You proceed with caution, trying to figure out with any means available how to get where you want to go, causing a minor explosion here or there. But make one wrong move and you’re history. Pursuing her was a challenge. And I’ve always loved a challenge. But I guess I became too comfortable after a while, too sure that I knew how to navigate the minefield. The excitement that came with the possibility of taking a wrong step slowly vanished. Until now. Her newfound abilities are like an even more sensitive trigger for the bombs where even just ‘thinking’ about taking a step in the wrong direction is enough to set them off. It really upped the ante, which means I can’t afford any mistakes if I want to stay in the game. And I really want to stay in the game. We’ve always had good chemistry between us, but last night the sex was amazing. I imagine she was in my head, anticipating exactly what I wanted even before I knew I wanted it. Needless to say, this is one game I’d like to keep playing.

B’Elanna lightly stirs in her sleep. She’s lying on her back next to me, one arm above her head, the other one resting on her stomach. I study her naked body, so familiar to me, and watch the rising and falling of her chest. Her nipples are still slightly puckered. Is it still from last night or because of the cool air? I don’t know. I watch her flat belly and the bones of her hips protruding sharply. She could do with a little extra weight. She’s too thin. In a flash I imagine how her body would look pregnant. With the bigger belly, of course, but also with fuller breasts and the glow that soon-to-be-mothers often seem to display. I imagine lightly placing my hands on her swollen belly as she sleeps and feeling our baby kick, like a secret conversation between me and him or her while B’Elanna is sleeping. I can’t wait for those little things to be reality.
The accident changed the rules of the game. I’ll admit that I was worried about us for a while. I wasn’t sure if we could survive under these new terms. But after last night, my doubts are gone. There will be a couple of explosions in the future, I’m sure. But I’m confident I will find my way through the minefield without being blown up. I’m confident that I’m back in the game.

-KATHRYN-
Human beings have a remarkable propensity for lying to themselves. That thought strikes me as I’m having breakfast in the Mess Hall. In an effort to train my telepathic muscles I’ve been trying to reduce the onslaught of other people’s thoughts and emotions to a mere background noise in my head. Now I’m trying to focus on one single voice, to distinguish it clearly from all the others. It’s an exercise Tuvok suggested I should try and I’m getting quite good at it. Next to me, Susan Nicoletti is assuring herself that an apple and a cup of coffee really are more than enough for breakfast, despite her grumbling stomach telling her otherwise. A bit farther away, Tal Celes is double checking the calculations for the astrometrics report she’s preparing for Seven, convinced that they have to be wrong because she is too stupid to get it right the first time. Next to her Billy Telfer is rubbing his stomach, worrying that Neelix’s seven spice omelet contains at least two spices he’s allergic to, although he never had any problems before. On the other side of the Mess Hall, Harry Kim is smiling broadly at Seven of Nine as she enters, telling himself he’s only being a friendly colleague and not hopelessly in love with her. I get up to the counter for a refill of my coffee, where I hear Neelix confidently say to Tom Paris that everything is ready for the wedding tomorrow all the while worrying about the rice he still has to boil since he only found out about that particular human tradition ten minutes ago. “Uncooked rice, not boiled.” I tell him and he stares at me dumbfounded, partly because he forgot about my mindreading abilities, partly because he doesn’t understand why the rice shouldn’t be boiled. “The rice to throw at newlyweds is supposed to be uncooked. It’s just for good luck, not to eat.” I add helpfully and he nods slowly. “Right. Thank you Captain.” I nod and turn to Tom. “Ready for the big day?” He grins. “More than ready.” I smile back. “How’s B’Elanna? Is she feeling better today?” He nods. “She sure is.” His mind inadvertently flashes to a memory of his soon-to-be-wife in the throes of passion during their lovemaking. For some reason I find the image extremely disconcerting, but I hide that sentiment behind my trustworthy command mask. “Good to hear.” I utter and force a smile as I pick up my coffee.

The rest of the morning I sit on the Bridge wondering about my reaction to Tom’s memory. I’ve experienced far more disturbing images from other people over the last couple of days. Thoughts of sex, violence and other things I didn’t really want to know. Other than a spontaneously raised eyebrow, they didn’t invoke much reaction in me. So why did that image of B’Elanna upset me so much? Because it was her? While I’m thinking my gaze travels around the Bridge and settles on Tom’s back. I gasp as the truth hits me squarely in the chest: it’s because in that instant I was jealous of Tom. Unable to process that realization calmly, I retreat to my Ready Room where I can pace in order to release some of the nervous energy that has taken control of me. If I’m jealous of Tom, does that mean I have feelings for B’Elanna? Even as I pose myself the question I feel an unmistakable twinge in my belly that confirms it. I sink down on the couch, feeling as if my body is betraying me. “But she’s just… B’Elanna.” I utter to myself. “My Chief Engineer.” Up until the accident I would’ve considered her as just a colleague. ‘But since the accident you’ve become much closer.’ My mind helpfully supplies. I automatically think back to our conversations of the last couple of days. The closeness we’ve created together. How I’ve seen private sides of her, how she’s seen right down to the core of me… I recall the flash of desire she displayed so unexpectedly for me. I wrote that off to our unique circumstances. Two inexperienced telepaths in a world full of non-telepaths, finding comfort with each other. And maybe that’s what this is too: just a reaction to these exceptional circumstances we find ourselves in. It has to be. But deep down I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the same thing I’ve observed in so many others recently: am I lying to myself?

-B’ELANNA-
I’m monitoring the stability of the matter/antimatter flow through the modified dilithium matrix when Seven of Nine walks up to me. “I can assure you the modifications are stable.” She states matter-of-factly. I take my eyes off the monitor for a second to throw her a sardonic look. “And I’m going to check it anyway.” She nods once. “As you wish.” Ironically, now that I can read her mind she annoys me less than before. In fact I’ve even learned to appreciate that she just says what she thinks. That makes my interaction with her much more straightforward than with some other people these days.
Unsurprisingly, the matter/antimatter flow is indeed stable and I nod to Seven of Nine. “Good work.” The modifications to the warp core appear to be quite successful and I feel marginally more confident to leave it all in her hands in the coming week. “You’ll have to make sure the deuterium manifolds are never opened more than six hundred microns.” I press. “And the isolitic converter can be temperamental, so you’ll have to watch it like a hawk.” Seven tilts her head. “There is no point in providing me with knowledge I already possess.” I exhale, trying to remind myself that she’s capable of doing this. “Right.” I utter. “I guess I’m being a little overprotective.” I still wish I could keep an eye on things myself.
“I’m sure Engineering will be fine without you for a week, Lieutenant.” A voice sounds behind me and I turn towards it, finding Janeway standing a few feet away. “Captain.” I greet her, noticing how her presence seems to have an immediate calming effect on me. “What can I do for you?” She raises her eyebrows. “You’re the one who wanted to give me a status report of the warp core modifications, Lieutenant.” It takes a couple of seconds for me to remember that I indeed scheduled this meeting two days ago. “Right.” I utter, bringing my mind back to the tests I’ve been running. “But if this isn’t a good time…” Janeway offers and takes a step back, almost eager to get out of here. Surely I’m misreading that. “It’s fine, no problem.” I smile and lead her into my office. It occurs to me that I’m not picking up much from her at all anyway and I wonder why that is. “You really seem to be in control of your thoughts.” I state, wondering how she became so good at it so fast. I turn to look at her. “I can hardly sense them at all.” I’m waiting for some sort of explanation but she just looks away and shrugs. “I’ve been practicing.” My eyes narrow as I study her. I’m used to the command mask on her face. The look in her eyes, however, I can’t identify. And all I can pick up from her now is the almost desperate sense of trying to maintain her control. It’s very different from the woman I saw just yesterday and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find the change a little disconcerting. “You don’t have to shield your thoughts on account of me.” I offer friendly, thinking that maybe she assumes she has to since I ranted about other people’s emotions overflowing me just yesterday. Although the deepest thoughts of most people annoy the hell out of me, hers haven’t really bothered me much thus far. To my surprise she brushes me off. “So what’s the status of the warp core modifications?” I stare at her dumbfounded for a moment, wondering why she’s being evasive. But it’s obvious from everything I can pick up from her that she only wants to talk business. So I follow her lead, uncertain what else to do. “The matter/antimatter flow is stable.” I state. “For the moment we have the isolitic conversion under control, although the dilithium matrix is still running a little too hot for my liking.” I access the data on my console and turn to find her staring at me. “I still want to try a couple of things when I get back from my honeymoon next week.” She nods slowly like her thoughts are miles away, and not anywhere near the warp core by the looks of it. “Captain?” I softly try to get her attention because her behavior worries me. Her eyes focus on me again and she sighs as she realizes the futility of trying to shut me out. Her shoulders sag the tiniest bit as she lets her guard down and immediately her feelings overwhelm me. Intense and caring feelings. For me. Lots of them. Their depth surprises me, leaves me standing immobile, unable to fathom what she’s saying without words. I search her eyes and see it clear as day. I wonder why I didn’t before. Then she sighs and I feel her retreat behind her mental walls again. But I don’t want that. I want to understand. “Kathryn.” I grab her hand and the connection between us intensifies immediately. “What is this?” Before she can say anything, I feel the longing she has for me. I sense her confusion about what she’s feeling. And I note her resignation to the circumstances that will keep her from exploring this further. “This is a friendship.” She whispers. “That’s all it will ever be.” Because I’m getting married to Tom tomorrow. I swallow hard, remembering the desire that I experienced for her just yesterday. “Is it?” She retracts her hand from mine and takes a step back. “I’m not going to do this B’Elanna.” Her voice is low, raw. I search her eyes. “Friends?” I utter. And that one word is a question, an accusation, a gift, an insult, an admission and a consolation all at once. The look she gives me in return validates it all, and then she turns away, leaving me alone in my office to watch her retreating back, wondering what exactly is walking away from me.

-TOM-
I smooth out my dress uniform’s jacket and carefully pin my rank insignia on the collar before I inspect my appearance in the mirror. Just perfect.
B’Elanna and I decided a while ago that we wanted a simple wedding. Nothing traditional, either Klingon or otherwise. Just a regular civil ceremony, officiated by the Captain, where we pledge our love for each other. Right at this moment, I assume B’Elanna is getting dressed as well. She decided just last night that, even though we’re not doing anything too traditional, it would be nice to honor the tradition of sleeping separately the night before the wedding. So she spent the night in guest quarters and I spent the night alone in our own quarters. I can’t wait to carry my wife over the threshold later. If she can pick one tradition to uphold, then so can I. I stare at myself in the mirror and it occurs to me that I never truly believed I would ever get married. Mostly because I didn’t see myself as a married kind of guy, but also because I never thought anyone would want to marry me, least of all B’Elanna. She didn’t even like me when we first met. But that didn’t bother me back then. I considered her too hot-blooded for me anyway. I didn’t care for fights, all I wanted was to have some fun. I saw her disapproving looks as I flirted with both Megan and Jenny Delany at the same time. I noticed her roll her eyes at Ricky who was my steady holographic girl. She watched me like a hawk around Kes, determined to protect the young Ocampan’s innocence from my impure motives. I did have quite some fun in those early days, but after a while the thrill wore off and I got bored with easy lays for the first time in my life. I started hanging out more with Harry and that’s when I noticed B’Elanna was actually kind of fun to be around too. But she didn’t give me the time of day, considering me too cocky and flighty to even consider dating me. Of course the extra challenge only spurred me on. It became a quest that continued for many years and it took both of us nearly dying before she could admit she had feelings for me. My heart leapt in my chest, but at the same time I wondered how to handle the next part. I’d never been particularly interested in the whole serious relationship thing. What if I wasn’t any good at it? It took us both a little while to adapt to being a couple, testing the waters, discovering the dynamics of our relationship. Our friends watched with interest, most of them giving us a couple of weeks, tops. But we found our balance and a few months later we even moved in together. We settled into a routine and after a while I asked myself where the fun had all gone to. I began to look for it outside our relationship. I never pursued another woman, but my priorities slowly shifted from her to having fun. I’d spend more time on the Holodeck as Captain Proton. I picked up my weekly poker game again, staying out late. I worked on my Chevy, watched TV, designed new gadgets for the Delta Flyer,… We started fighting over futilities and we got irritated with one another. There came a moment when I thought to myself that this wasn’t what I wanted in life. But before I could question the purpose of our relationship, she questioned it. Compared to most of our fights, that one was almost civil, no yelling, no throwing furniture. But unlike most of our fights, this one cut through me like a knife. “Do you even still want to be with me?” To hear that question, that had been lingering at the edges of my consciousness, spoken from her lips was pure agony. I had been on my way to work on my Chevy on the Holodeck, but I couldn’t move as she questioned my priorities, my desires, my love for her. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak. And she took my silence for confirmation that her accusations were true. “If you want to be a grease-monkey,” she spoke in reference to my outfit, “then go be a grease-monkey. You want to be Captain Proton? Go. Don’t let me stand in your way.” Only when she made an effort to leave, I found my voice again. “I only want to be the guy you’re in love with.” There was hope in her eyes but she wasn’t convinced yet. “Are you sure?” So I nodded. “I’m only interested in being your guy.” I spoke, and I knew it was true. Acting on instinct I fell down to one knee. “Do you want to be my wife?” Later that night I took her with me, parked my Chevy on a ridge overlooking the city under a starry night sky and made love to her on the back seat.

Harry walks in and finds me staring in the mirror. “Don’t worry, you look great.” He grins. “If I were a woman, I’d marry you on the spot.” I roll my eyes. “No offense Harry, but if women looked like you, I’d be a bachelor ‘til the end of my days.” My best man shrugs. “Whatever. Your bachelor days are over now.” He shakes his head. “I still think you should have celebrated your last night as a free man yesterday.” I mumble something about needing sleep to prepare for my honeymoon, but the truth is that I didn’t want to risk it. The previous time, I sent B’Elanna on an away mission so I could have my bachelor party and she almost got killed. I didn’t want to jinx it this time.
Harry pats me on the shoulder. “Time to go get shackled up to the old ball and chain.” I exhale deeply. I’m ready.

-KATHRYN-
“We’re gathered here today, not as Starfleet officers, but as friends and family, to celebrate the marriage of two of Voyager’s finest.” Although I outwardly don’t show it, I feel antsy. As Captain and highest ranking officer, I have the honor of marrying Tom and B’Elanna. But in truth, this is one honor I’d rather not have had bestowed upon me.
The audience is hanging onto my words, as are Tom and B’Elanna, but I try to avoid looking into my Chief Engineer’s eyes directly during my speech, afraid that it will disrupt my already precarious sense of control. Instead I focus on erecting a mental wall, like a brick version of my bubble, to shield myself from the emotions of everyone present in the Mess Hall, but also to contain my own. Nothing in or out. Not now. Inside, my own feelings are waging a war. I still struggle with my attraction to B’Elanna, uncertain as to how deep it runs, uncertain as to what it means exactly, but certain it won’t go anywhere because I’ve made sure of that. Yesterday it was clear to me that it would be selfish and irresponsible to explore this further. I could never ask her to risk her future with Tom for something that might turn out to be a fluke, a side-effect of Seku’uro. I could never forgive myself for all the hurt I would cause. Yet today, as I stand here in front of them, part of me wants to yell ‘stop’… I won’t do that, of course. I know this marriage is the right thing to do, but I do wish it didn’t have to be me officiating it. I concentrate on the speech I had already written before the accident. Words about the love and devotion Tom and B’Elanna have for each other. They sting my soul but I take care to deliver them with warmth. My ambiguity shouldn’t affect their truth. “Tom and B’Elanna have prepared their own vows.” I conclude and I turn to my Helmsman. “Tom?” I watch as he takes her hand and looks her in the eyes, letting his love flow freely. It seeps through my defenses and I swallow behind my smile. “I still don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.” He speaks. “But whatever it is, I’ll try to keep doing it. And I promise to stand by you, to honor you, till death do us part.” I risk a glance at B’Elanna. I can’t read the look in her eyes. Would she look at me the same way if I were standing in Tom’s shoes? ‘Stop it’, I berate myself for even entertaining the thought. “May this ring be the symbol of our eternal love.” Tom concludes his vows as he slips the gold wedding band over B’Elanna’s finger. His smile is bright and delicate at the same time. B’Elanna’s lucky to have that, I tell myself. And I cower behind my mental wall, in an effort to protect myself. The room’s attention shifts to B’Elanna, eager to hear her vows. The look on her face is pensive as she gazes up at her husband. “Tom.” She speaks softly and I feel the currents of her emotions tug at me. I do my best ignore them. It’ll be less painful that way. “You stood by me when most people would have run for the nearest airlock. You…” The words are thick with emotion. “You are such a great guy and…” This time her voice really breaks and I frown, suddenly paying closer attention. She takes a deep breath. “I can’t do this.” She chokes. “I’m sorry.” My eyes widen and I feel her distress clearly as she brushes past me to leave. For one moment, the entire Mess Hall is eerily quiet. And then the gravity of what just happened hits me, a split second before it hits Tom. The smile on his face is now shattered and his thoughts are almost identical to mine. What the hell just happened?

-B’ELANNA-
My heart is pounding in my chest as I blindly make my way through the corridors towards the guest quarters where I slept last night. Only when the door closes behind me do I relax marginally. I fall down on the bed and take a couple of deep breaths as the gravity of what I just did slowly sinks in. I didn’t plan to do it. I wasn’t going to leave him. I had doubts, yes. And I purposely spent last night here, alone, trying to figure out what I wanted. I considered all the factors, carefully examined them. My telepathic abilities and how they changed me. Tom and our life before the accident, our dreams of the future. Kathryn’s confession and our tentative connection. I took a long, hard look at all of it and tried to figure out what was the most important. In the end I decided that I’d been happy with Tom before, and figured that I could probably be happy with him again. The relative normalcy of that life is something I longed for since my accident. And I imagined that with the love and support from both Tom as my husband and Kathryn as a close friend I had the best chance of feeling ‘normal’ again. So in the early hours of the morning I came to the conclusion that marrying him was the best thing for me, for all of us.
And then I stood in the Mess Hall, surrounded by all my friends and loved ones. I felt each and everyone’s thoughts; Chakotay silently wishing us luck, Harry being so happy for us. I felt Tom’s love permeate me. I noticed Kathryn struggling with her own feelings. I sensed all the emotions around me so clearly. And it suddenly hit me that that was my new ‘normal’, and that the old ‘normal’ was never going to come back. Marrying Tom would not give me my old life back. I’ve changed so much it would never fit anymore. And I knew what I had to do. So I said ‘no’ and I ran.

Tears are trickling down, over my temples into my hair as I’m lying on this unfamiliar bed. I cry because I feel guilty for what I just did to Tom, because of the relief I feel for making the right decision. I cry for everything I’ve lost and for not knowing what will come next. I wish for the umpteenth time I’d never been adapted.

-TOM-
I find her in the guest quarters. Somehow I hadn’t expected to see tears in her eyes. She sits on the bed, immobile. I stand a few meters away, trying to figure out where to start. “I don’t understand…” I utter eventually. “Why?” She bites her lip. “I’m so sorry…” She whispers, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. But I didn’t come here for that. I came here for answers. “I thought we had something good together…” In all the time we’ve been together I genuinely believed that. Was it all a lie? She sniffles. “We did.” She nods. “We truly did.” Her words are scarcely comforting. I shake my head because I still don’t understand. “Then why?” She exhales. “Because I changed too much.” I know she’s gone through a difficult time but I like to think I’ve been very supportive and understanding in that regard. “You have.” She confirms even before I can find a way to voice that thought. It still throws me a bit when she does the mind-reading thing on me but I quickly discard that feeling. “You’ve been very supportive, that’s not the point. The point is that the balances in this relationship shifted because of my new abilities.” She bites her lip. “Maybe for you things still seem the same as before, but for me they don’t.” What things, I wonder. “I still love you just the same.” I reply, confident that that matters most in the end. “I know.” She replies. “I probably never knew how much until now. I can feel it, really feel it.” Her hand moves to rest above her heart. “I can really feel who you are, what you want. I feel your aspirations, your desires, your dreams…” She pauses and slightly tilts her head to the side. “And I realized that I can’t give you what you want.” I frown because I have no idea what she’s talking about. She’s everything I want, how could she not know that? “What do you mean?” I ask, getting a little impatient with the whole thing. “You’re what I want. Us, together. That’s what I want. Go ahead, read my mind. Tell me that isn’t the truth.” I’m annoyed now. If she’s trying to place the blame on me, she’s got another thing coming. “I don’t want to have children.” Her words hang in the air for a moment before their meaning sinks in. And when that happens, none of it makes sense. “What?” She stares at her hands in her lap as she softly repeats the words. “But… you do.” I start, unsure. “Even before your accident we agreed that we wanted to start a family.” She looks up at me with a pained expression and I realize it was all a lie before she even starts speaking. “I wasn’t sure, but I agreed because I figured that since the odds were not in our favor I’d still have a long time to get used to the idea.” She takes a deep breath. “I knew you wanted a family so badly, so I said yes for you.” She adds and I swallow, trying to get rid of that awful taste of bile that has risen in my throat. “I thought that if it ever happened, I would be able to handle it. I would try to get used to the idea and just go with it. But now that I’ve changed…” She shakes her head as she continues. “I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sometimes it feels like I’m losing my mind. And all the reservations I had before about being a mother, they just… doubled.” Somehow this hits me even harder than seeing her run off during the wedding. “I wish you’d told me about this.” I utter. She looks up at me. “I knew how much you wanted a family. How excited you were about it. I thought I could convince myself to go along with it but… I can’t.” I stare long and hard at this woman whom I still love despite everything I just learned. And I figure that maybe that says something too. “The odds were slim.” I offer softly. “Chances are we would’ve ended up without children anyway. I could live with not ever having kids if it would mean that I still have you.” I don’t one hundred percent believe those words yet, but I’m quite sure I will in time. It’s an olive branch and I hope she’ll take it. But that hope quickly gets dashed when I see the look in her eyes. “It’s not that simple Tom.” Her voice is weak, but she seems determined. “There are a lot of things I need to figure out for myself. And I think it would be best for me to do that alone… at least for now.” I get the message. Loud and clear. It stings.

Outside in the corridor, I run into the Captain. Her questioning look rapidly vanishes as she senses my mood. “I’m sorry.” She mutters softly. I snort angrily. “It seems we’re all sorry today.” She nods briefly, accepting my outburst for what it is. “She’s in the guest quarters.” I state, figuring Janeway will want to check up on B’Elanna. “You’ll probably have better luck understanding her than I did.” I add, thinking that as a telepath she’ll understand in a much more fundamental way than I ever will. “Maybe I should become a telepath as well.” I utter bitterly. There’s compassion in her look. “You’ll get through this…” She offers before she walks away. But I remain standing in the corridor, watching her retreating back. I can’t help but wonder how it would change things if I were a telepath too.

-KATHRYN-
As I press the door chime to the guest quarters I wonder if I should have seen this coming. I knew B’Elanna had a hard time dealing with her newfound telepathy. And I figured it made things like her relationship with Tom a little more challenging. But I didn’t expect this. The door in opens in front of me and I step inside where she’s sitting on the bed in the small guest quarters. I don’t say anything for a moment, trying to read her feelings first. She’s calmer than I expected her to be. “Are you alright?” I venture softly, still half wondering if her quietness forebodes an explosion of a deadly force. She grimaces, as if she finds that thought amusing. “You talked to Tom.” I state, keeping my voice neutral. She observes me coolly now. “He still loves you, you know.” A flash of emotion emanates from her. Annoyance, pain, concern… but no regret. “You think I don’t know that? I know exactly how he feels about me. I know everything about him now and he doesn’t have a clue about me.” I think back to the conversation I just had with Tom in the hallway, remembering his confusion and his anger. “That’s not his fault.” I offer on his behalf. “That doesn’t mean I have to marry him.” She retorts irritably. “You of all people should know how everything changes when you suddenly become a telepath.” I tilt my head. “Tom understands that too.” She opens her mouth to say something, but stops abruptly and studies me with narrowed eyes. “Why are you defending Tom like this when you have feelings for me as well?” I briefly look down, vividly remembering our conversation yesterday in Engineering where I disclosed my feelings for her and at the same time buried my chances for acting on them because of her relationship with Tom. “I’m not going to be a part of this.” I whisper weakly. I did everything in my power to withhold myself from this equation. I even tried to hide my feelings for her altogether, which was pretty unrealistic considering the fact that she’s a telepath. B’Elanna steps closer to me. “But you are a part of this, whether you want to be or not.” I don’t want to be. I resist the urge to cover my ears and pretend we’re not having this conversation. I don’t feel ready to face the consequences. “Are we ever going to discuss this?” Her voice is softer now, inviting, alluring. I swallow and close my eyes. “This is hardly the right time, B’Elanna.” I mean, she just left Tom standing at the altar. Or is that just an excuse not to have to face my own feelings? “You’re going to have to deal with it sometime…” I look up at her and immediately realize my mistake in doing so. The look in her eyes is warm and caring, drawing me in. “No.” I whisper hoarsely, trying to find sanctuary within my own personal bubble of being. “Don’t shut me out, Kathryn.” She reaches out. “Please.” Her touch breaks through my defenses as if they weren’t even there. Her feelings wash over me and I sharply pull back to break the contact. “I can’t.” I shake my head. “I have to go.” She doesn’t try to stop me and when the door closes behind me I pause, suddenly feeling the urge to go back inside and surrender to her. I quickly shake my head to get rid of that thought and continue on my way. I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to Tom. Deep down, I know I’m using him as an excuse to not have to face my feelings for her. An excuse that is losing its validity now that she’s left him. I have to face that there are cracks forming in my defenses. And I will have to find a way to deal with experiencing emotions so deep and intense that they threaten to overthrow my self control. I place my hand on my arm where her fingers gently curled around it, feeling the lingering sensation. But more than that, I can still sense where she touched my soul, even despite my efforts to keep her out. It makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, which is not something I feel very comfortable with. And at the same time I can’t help but wanting to experience it again. I secretly wonder what it would be like for her to really see me, as clearly as I can see her. It would be like standing in front of her beyond naked. Nothing obscured from view, all that I am in plain sight. Just the thought of that scares the living daylights out of me.

-B’ELANNA-
I’ve never particularly fit in. Not as a kid on the playground, not as a teen in school and certainly not in the Academy. I generally stood out like a sore thumb, if not because of my Klingon appearance, then certainly because of my behavior. I never really enjoyed being the odd duck out. Some people pride themselves in being different and unique, but me, I would’ve given anything to just be normal. Of course, knowing what I know now, I’d probably have hated that even more. It wasn’t until I joined the Maquis that I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. It was a hard life by many standards, but it gave me something I never had before: a family. To my surprise it remained like that on Voyager. The people around me are my family, my friends. But since I left Tom at the altar, things changed. My family has turned against me. No one says anything to me directly, of course. But they think I made a mistake. They don’t understand why I left him. They’re on his side, not on mine. In any other case, I would probably try to convince myself that I’m imagining things. But since I happen to be able to read their minds, I know exactly what everyone thinks. And even if I would manage to ignore the sudden silence when I walk into a room or succeed in disregarding the hushed conversations accompanied by covert glances in my direction, I still sense the disapproval, the pity and the condemnation of my friends and colleagues, loud and clear like they’re shouting directly into my ears. I feel like a pariah when I walk through this ship, like I am to be shunned and denounced until I come to my senses. The problem is no one seems to realize that basically this has nothing to do with Tom, and everything to do with me. And really, can I blame them? None of them ever had my abilities trusted upon them. None of them can read my mind, or feel what I feel, or walk a mile in my shoes. If they could, they wouldn’t judge me so harshly, I’m sure. Kathryn doesn’t. And the irony is, neither does Tom in a way. I’m sure he at least has a clue.

We haven’t really spoken since ‘that day’. I’ve been avoiding him as much as possible. This morning’s staff meeting is the first time we’ve been in the same room together. And it’s really just a painful affair for everyone involved. For me and him for obvious reasons, but just as much for everyone else present, as they are carefully avoiding the elephant in the room, trying not to say or do anything that might be considered as picking a side, pretending that everything is just business as usual. It takes all I have not to start laughing hysterically. I’m not really surprised when the Captain wants me to follow her to her Ready Room after the meeting. “Are you alright?” She asks immediately after the door closes behind us. “You seem a little… unhinged.” I contemplate for a moment how accurate that word is, as if I’ve lost my anchoring points. “Oh B’Elanna…” She whispers softly and I look up at her, letting her see me freely because I lack the strength to even try to put up a front to hide behind. She steps closer to me, intuitively reaching out to place a comforting hand on my arm. But then she stops mid-air, remembering that she’s not quite ready for that. Suddenly I’m yearning for her touch, for the warmth and safety and excitement of it. I want to feel like I belong, even if it’s just for a second. She retracts her hand as I reach for it. “No.” I take a step closer as desire floods my veins. “Yes.” The whole dynamic between us shifts in the blink of an eye. Her eyes widen, reminding me of a deer caught in headlights and her voice is shrill when she repeats herself. “No.” Another step back results in her contacting the edge of her desk. I step closer, into her personal space but not touching her. I can sense she’s struggling to maintain control. “Why not?” I ask, searching her face for the answer. “Because of Tom?” We both know he’s not in this equation. I’ve made sure of that. “I just want to be with you.” I whisper. “There’s something here. I know you feel it too.” The way she bites her lip silently confirms my statement. “So why don’t we just give in to it?” I continue softly and her eyes widen. “Is that what this is?” She counters and I frown. “You think we should just ‘get this out of our system’?” My frown only deepens and I slightly lean back. “What are you talking about?” I can feel her probing me, searching me for dishonorable intentions, but finding none. Then she exhales violently, closing her eyes. “What if this whole thing is also just a side-effect of Seku’uro?” When she looks up at me I see the doubt and vulnerability in her eyes and it all shifts into focus: she has been doubting the validity of our feelings, both hers and mine. So I respond in the only way I see fit to reassure her: I lean in and kiss her.

-TOM-
I’m in the Mess Hall for a quick bite to eat after my duty shift. Next to me Megan Delaney is talking to me, but I’m not quite focusing on what she’s saying. She must have noticed because she places her hand on my arm. “Hey, she’s not worth it.” I frown and look at her. “I miss her.” Megan scoffs. “She left you on your wedding day. You deserve better than her.” Her fingers start massaging my forearm and I pull away. “She’s going through a difficult time.” I find myself defending B’Elanna. A lot of people seem to find it necessary to badmouth her and it troubles me. Things are not as black and white as everyone makes them out to be. Megan grabs my arm again. “Why don’t we go play Captain Proton on the Holodeck? It’ll help take your mind off things…” I look at her and wonder how I ever found this type of shallowness attractive. I retract my arm again. “Not tonight Megan.” She pouts. I don’t want to leave her like that. “Maybe another time.” I add before I leave the Mess Hall.

I’ve thought about it long and hard and I’ve decided that the time has come for me to take my fate into my own hands. If I can change the rules of the game, then maybe I can change the outcome. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days now and my mind’s made up. I need to do this. I have no other choice. If I succeed then everything will be different. And if I fail… I force myself not to think about that.
There’s one thing I need to do before I set things in motion. I make a small detour and push the door chime. It doesn’t take long for the Captain to answer. “Tom?” She raises her eyebrows, surprised to see me. “What can I do for you?” I run my hand through my hair. “How’s B’Elanna?” She frowns. “What do you mean?” I shrug. “You’re probably the only one who knows what’s going on with her. Is she doing alright?” I can’t really read the look on her face. “I guess she’ll need some time…” Janeway offers uncertainly. “Will you look out for her?” I ask and I notice the question in her eyes. “You’re the only one who understands what it’s like for her… I want her to have that.” Although she’s looking at me like I’ve grown a second head, the Captain nods. “Thanks.” I nod and I turn around and walk away.

It’s surprisingly easy to steal a shuttle. My knowledge of the ship’s systems combined with my history as a juvenile delinquent almost make it seem like child’s play.
I’m heading back in the direction where B’Elanna and the Captain had their accident. At high warp it won’t take me that long to reach it. I use the waiting time to think about B’Elanna, what it must be like for her. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll handle it any better, knowing that it’s coming. I think about how this will bring us closer together again. I think about her when I reach my destination and the hydrazine floods the shuttle compartment. She’s on my mind when my lungs are burning and my vision becomes blurry. Her name is on my breath when I send the distress call. The last thing on my mind before I lose consciousness is how much I love her.

-KATHRYN-
When B’Elanna kissed me, it felt like touching a thousand live wires at once, a shock to my body as well as my mind. Every part of her being permeated mine at that moment and when she broke away I could feel the loss immediately. We stared in each other’s eyes, sharing our hope and longing wordlessly, but clear as day. “Can I come over tonight?” She asked in husky tones. “Yes.” I breathed, knowing just as well as she did that right there and then in my Ready Room was neither the time nor the place for what was in store for us. I spent the rest of the day in a haze of quiet anticipation.
The sound of my door chime makes my stomach flutter but when I open the door I’m surprised to see Tom standing there. He seems dejected and pale and for a moment I feel guilt wash over me. It deepens when he asks me to help B’Elanna with what she’s going through. His love for her transcends his own pain of losing her and that unexpectedly grabs me by the throat. I silently nod, promising him something of which I’m sure he doesn’t realize the consequences.
I’m still contemplating the issue when my door chime sounds again. This time it’s her and my heart beats in my throat as I let her in. I’m not afraid anymore that this is all just based on a whim. I felt the depth of our feelings when she kissed me earlier today. Whatever it is exactly I still haven’t figured out, but I know for sure it extends beyond just a mere fling. She grabs my hand and I experience the same crackle of energy I did before. It makes me long for more. “Are you sure about this?” I whisper. We both sense without a doubt that once we do this, there will be no way back. In response, she steps closer to me, into my personal space. It makes my skin tingle in anticipation. I reach out to touch her cheek and she leans into my touch, our bodies gravitating towards one another until our lips meet. I feel our energies merge as all the boundaries that still existed between us are being torn down. There is nothing else in the universe but our two souls intertwining, mingling like breaths, until we will be unified as one. Her touch sets me on fire, awakens sides of me that I never knew existed before. I feel as though I’m connected to all of her nerve endings as well as my own, blurring the lines between touching and being touched. ‘Me’ and ‘her’ are reduced to simple semantics as there is only the sense of ‘us’. We buck, we moan, we caress and kiss. We touch, we stroke, we come. We love until all the sparks of energy have ignited and all that remains is a deeply satisfying hum, slow and steady, permeating everything we are.

I feel like a different person when I wake up in the morning. Next to me, B’Elanna is still sleeping, lying on her side, with her hand tucked under her chin. It brings a smile to my face. It seems as if bits and pieces of her essence are still lingering inside me, like she forgot them when we finally disentangled during the night. Whatever I have felt for others in the past, it pales compared to the feelings I’m experiencing for her. Nothing has ever even come close. Although I’m not touching her, I can clearly sense she’s waking up. A smile plays around her lips even before she opens her eyes. Her hand snakes towards mine under the sheets and her fingers interweave with my own. “Hi…” She breathes. “Good morning.” I murmur. “Sleep well?” I already know the answer to that and watch her stretch like a cat. “Mmm, coffee.” She groans and I raise my eyebrow. “You want coffee?” She chuckles. “No, but you do apparently.” I grin. “You read my mind.” She bites her lip and a gleam appears in her eyes. “Can you guess what I want for breakfast?” A rush of desire flows through me and my eyes widen in response. I lick my lips as I move closer to her, letting my body hover over hers. “Haven’t got a clue.” I breathe before I dip my head down and kiss her. Through her moans of appreciation I hear the chirp of a combadge. “Tuvok to Janeway.” Exhaling heavily, I reach for my badge on the nightstand. “Janeway here.” Beneath me B’Elanna rolls her eyes in frustration. “Captain, Lieutenant Paris neglected to show up for duty this morning.” Tuvok begins and B’Elanna’s apprehension at those words mimics mine. “Further investigation revealed that he left this ship approximately ten hours ago.” My eyes widen and I feel B’Elanna’s panic flow through my veins. I quickly get off her and watch her scramble for her clothes. “I’ll be right there.” I speak to Tuvok as I do my best to ignore the sinking sensation in my stomach.

-B’ELANNA-
I feel everyone’s eyes on me as I storm onto the Bridge, right behind the Captain. “What do we know?” She barks and turns to Tuvok. “We’ve determined that Mr. Paris stole a shuttle and left the ship approximately at 22h41 last night.” I briefly close my eyes, wondering what he’s up to. Is he going to do something stupid? Did I cause this? From what I can pick up from my colleagues that it’s certainly what they seem to think. “He must have left a warp trail.” Janeway continues as she turns to Harry. “Did you find anything?” To my utter relief, Harry nods. “Yes, he didn’t even mask it. He’s headed back the way we came. We’ve already changed course to follow him.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. If he’s trying to doing something stupid, at least he still left a way for us to find him. Now all we need to do is get there in time, before something bad happens. With the enhanced warp drive we might just have a chance to catch up with him. “How long before we reach him?” I ask impatiently. “A couple of hours at least.” Harry answers coolly. I can feel he holds me at least partially responsible for what will happen to Tom. I nod, swallowing hard in order to try to keep it together. Kathryn’s hand lightly squeezes my arm. “Come with me.” She speaks softly, guiding me to her Ready Room. When the door closes, she looks at me. “I think he might be trying to go through Seku’uro and get telepathic abilities as well.” I frown. “What do you mean?” She closes her eyes. “He said something to me along those lines when I ran into him after the wedding.” She bites her lip. “And he came to my quarters yesterday, basically making me promise him I’d look after you.” I feel like the wind is being knocked from my lungs. “He what?” Kathryn sighs. “It was right before you arrived. I thought he meant that since I’m the only one who understands what it’s like being a telepath, I should help you adjust. But looking back at it now, I think maybe he was trying to make sure you’d have someone to turn to in case his mission didn’t turn out the way he planned…” Her voice fades and I grab a chair for support. “Just what exactly do you think he’s going to do?” But I already know the answer. Tenna and Eru explained that you need to be dead to go through Seku’uro. And since they treated us when they found us dead in space, Tom would probably bet that they’d do the same thing for him. Kathryn silently confirms my train of thought and places her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.” I shake my head. “He’s an idiot.” I whisper although it’s clear to me that I have a played a sizeable part in these events as well. Guilt weighs down on me, heavy, tinged with regret. “It’s not your fault.” Kathryn speaks softly. But she’s wrong. I drove him to this because I pushed him away. I put myself before our love and now he’s desperate enough to pull a stunt like this. I should have given him another chance, I should have tried harder. “We’ll find him.” Kathryn tries to comfort me. “You can still have another chance.” I look at her and frown. I think of everything that’s happened to me in I the last days and weeks, what happened last night. “It’s too late for that now.” I murmur and she gives me a weak smile before drawing me into her arms. Her touch comforts me as I worry about Tom. He could be dead. And if I do see him again, he’ll be a telepath as well, probably under the impression that that will solve everything between us. I’m not looking forward to that conversation. “You really could give it another chance.” Kathryn repeats softly. I can sense that she means it, that she would step back from this if it’s what I want. I pull her closer, grateful for her understanding. I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t know what will happen. But I know I can count on her to be there for me, that I’m not alone, no matter the circumstances. And I love her for that.

-TOM-
I open my eyes and have no clue where I am at first. But it only takes a few seconds to remember what happened. The fact that I’m alive means my plan must have worked. I look around the unfamiliar room, but I’m all alone. Without hesitation I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. As soon as I do, the door opens and a woman walks in. I turn to her, trying to absorb the essence of her. She tilts her head slightly. “I’m Tenna.” She speaks and I frown as I realize that I can’t hear her thoughts. “You don’t have telepathic powers.” Tenna speaks, apparently reading my mind. “After what happened to your colleagues, Eru and I did more research on what might have caused the side-effect. We theorized a way to keep dormant genes from activating during Seku’uro. And your unexpected appearance allowed us to test and prove our theory.” Her words cut through my soul like a knife. The whole plan I fashioned for me and B’Elanna is unraveling before my eyes. Tenna places a hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, I thought you’d be pleased.” My head snaps up at her. “Can you do it again? And this time make me telepathic?” Tenna frowns. “You’d have to be dead for Seku’uro to work.” I shrug. “So?” I already took my own life once to get to this point. I don’t have to be a mind-reader to sense her apprehension at my words. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” I exhale heavily. “I want my wife back.” I blurt out. “You ruined everything when you changed her.” Tenna squeezes my arm. “There might be another way.” She offers. “We could perform the modified procedure on your colleagues. Now that we know what happened, we could probably remove their telepathic abilities.” My eyes widen as a flame of hope ignites in my stomach. This would be an even better solution. “Would that work?” I ask, almost afraid to get my hopes up. “You just said a person has to be dead to go through Seku’uro.” She grimaces uncomfortably. “That would be required, yes. But we could do it in a controlled way. It would not be entirely without risk, but I’m fairly certain we could revert the genes responsible for their telepathic powers back to their dormant state.” I nod in understanding. Knowing how frequently B’Elanna cursed her new abilities, I’m pretty sure she’ll be up for it. I turn to Tenna. “Could you help me contact my ship?”

When I transport back to Voyager, I’m beamed directly to Sickbay. The Doctor is halfway through my scans when the door opens and B’Elanna bursts in, followed by the Captain. Without heeding the Doctor’s warnings, B’Elanna runs right to me and hugs me. I can’t help but smile as she does. “Are you alright?” She whispers as she holds me tight. “I’m alright.” I answer, breathing in her scent. Then she pulls back from me and stomps me hard in the arm. “You idiot!” She hits me again. “You could have died! What were you thinking?” I grab her arm before she can strike again. “I did it all for you. For us.” She rolls her eyes. “You should understand by now that-” She stops abruptly and stares at me as realization dawns on her. “You’re not a telepath?” She frowns and shakes her head. “I don’t understand.” My grin widens. Here comes the good part, the part where I make things better for all of us. “They figured out where they made the mistake. They can undo it now.” B’Elanna’s eyes widen. “Undo it?” She stammers. I nod fervently. “Undo it.” I confirm. “They can perform the procedure on you again and fix you.” Her frown deepens. “Fix me?” The Doctor steps forward and chimes in. “Not so fast. I’d like to review their data before we can be sure this can be done safely.” He states. “As I previously understood it, Seku’uro is highly experimental in the first place. Any alterations to the procedure must come with additional risks.” I hold out my hands. “Scan me again. I’m living proof that it works.” The Doctor shakes his head. “You were never a telepath. They never had to undo the mistake on you.” He points to B’Elanna and the Captain, who both look quite pale. “The situation is quite different for the Captain and Lieutenant Torres. Certain parts of their DNA would have to be deactivated again. Since their adaptation, I’ve researched this quite extensively. Trust me when I tell you this is a lot less straightforward than it sounds.” I nod in agreement. “That’s why Tenna and Eru said they would be happy to discuss the treatment with you in detail and work with you to refine their methods.” I relay their message. It’s only reasonable that he has reservations. But after all I’ve heard I’m quite confident that this can work. I turn back to B’Elanna. “Now you can put this all behind you.” I expect to find relief in her eyes, but instead she just stares at me as if she’s in shock.

-KATHRYN-
I’m watching the stars streak by the window in my Ready Room. Normally, this helps to order my thoughts, but today it doesn’t seem to have any effect. Tom’s bombshell –that we can most likely undo our telepathic abilities– has hit me hard. Behind me, B’Elanna is pacing along the length of the room and I know for a fact that her thoughts are running in the same circles as mine. “I’m going to kill him.” She mutters as I turn around. “That won’t change anything.” I snort and I sink down on the couch, motioning for her to join me. She rolls her eyes. “Maybe not, but it might make me feel better.” She grunts, flopping down on the couch next to me. We sit in silence for a moment, neither of us knowing where to begin. After a moment, B’Elanna’s hand tentatively grabs mine and I immediately feel a little more at ease because of that. I can feel the sentiment is shared. “Do you think I should do it?” She asks in an uncharacteristic timid voice. I sigh deeply. “I don’t know.” I answer honestly. “Will you do it?” She continues and I briefly close my eyes. “I don’t know.” I repeat my previous words. There are so many things to consider, so many unknowns… My life was easier as a non-telepath for one, but I’ve found so much since then. Could I really be content again with how it was before? What about the connection I have with B’Elanna? Is it strong enough to survive without our abilities? What if I choose to stay like this and she doesn’t? Or vice versa?
Her decision will be a major factor in my choice. I realize that the crux of the matter to me isn’t the telepathy. It’s her. I will choose whatever gives us the best chance. Next to me, B’Elanna sighs. “Put some extra pressure on me, why don’t you?” I grab her hand. “I don’t mean to do that. I just want to support you in whatever decision you make. Because you’re what’s most important to me.” B’Elanna rubs her face and gets up again to resume pacing. “I don’t know what to do.” She starts, turning to me. “I hate being a telepath, but I don’t want to lose what we have either.” She bites her lip. “And part of me still feels guilty for everything that happened with Tom. I don’t know how to factor that into the equation either.” I nod, recognizing that this also is an issue. My promise to be there for her, even if she wants another chance with Tom is genuine. She shakes her head as she continues. “And we still don’t know if the procedure is safe. I’d rather be a telepath than dead.” I get up and move towards her. “The Doctor told me he’d have more information on that tomorrow.” I tell her. Maybe if he deems it unsafe, that will effectively make the decision for us. B’Elanna sighs at the thought, partially wishing it would be that easy. I reach out to touch her face and she leans into my hand. “Whatever happens, it’ll be alright.” I whisper, but we both know that that’s a lie. Each decision we can make has its upsides and its drawbacks. There’ll be consequences for everyone involved: for me, for her, for Tom… “You have to do what feels right for you.” I murmur, trying very hard not to let my feelings for her cloud her thoughts. I want her to make this choice for herself. “No.” She shakes her head. “We should make it together. Whatever I decide has an impact on you too and vice versa.” I can sense she feels strongly about this, but I argue nonetheless. “I don’t want to push you in a direction you ultimately don’t want to go.” She grabs my hand. “I need you to keep me sane. I feel like I’m losing my mind here.” I sigh, feeling her anguish. “I just don’t want you to end up hating me.” I whisper looking her in the eyes. For a moment, we share the same breath, the same heartbeat. “I could never hate you.” She murmurs before she kisses me softly. “I really don’t want to be alone tonight.” She adds between kisses. “You don’t have to be.” I reply softly. I can’t turn her away, not if this might be our last night together as telepaths, or even at all. “Will you come by my quarters after your duty shift?” B’Elanna nods as she extricates herself from my embrace and heads for the door. “See you then.” She smiles, but suddenly stumbles at the two steps, grabbing the railing for support. I frown and reach her side it two quick strides. “Are you alright?” She nods as I help her up. “Fine.” She replies, but then she stumbles again. “What’s wrong?” I ask, alarmed. I can tell she feels faint. “You’re going to Sickbay.” I order and she’s dazed enough not to argue.

-B’ELANNA-
By the time I’m in Sickbay I feel fine again and I’m arguing that it’s pretty stupid to disturb the Doctor for a simple fit of dizziness. “I’m alright, okay?” I say for the umpteenth time as the Doctor grabs a tricorder and starts scanning me. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that.” He smiles friendly and Kathryn just throws me a warning look. Then the Doctor’s facial expression changes. “You say you were dizzy, felt faint?” Kathryn chimes in before I can. “Yes. She stumbled and could barely keep herself upright for a couple of minutes.” I glare at her because I still think she’s overreacting, but somewhere deep down, I’m touched by the fact that she’s so concerned for my wellbeing. “Hmm.” The Doctor frowns and we both stare at him, annoyed that we can’t read his mind. “What’s wrong with her?” Kathryn urges, flashes of worry clouding her impatience. He looks at me and then to Kathryn. “I’d prefer to speak to my patient in private, if you don’t mind Captain.” I roll my eyes and gesture between the two of us. “We’re telepaths Doctor. She’s going to find out sooner or later.” I smirk. He considers this for a moment and then nods. “Alright.” Then he turns to me. “Congratulations, Lieutenant. You’re pregnant.”
For a few long seconds I just stand there, immobile, shocked. I feel Kathryn’s disbelief as she turns towards me. This can’t be true. This isn’t happening. “It’s still pretty early.” The Doctor continues. I count back to my last night with Tom. It fits and I briefly close my eyes. “Shit.” The Doctor tilts his head. “Given the circumstances, I assume that this wasn’t exactly planned?” I exhale heavily, running my hand through my hair. “No, it wasn’t.” I turn to Kathryn for support, a reaction, anything basically, but she seems frozen on the spot. “Well, as you probably know, there are options.” The Doctor offers sympathetically. “You should also be aware of the fact that your pregnancy will not be compatible with the Seku’uro procedure.” I bite my lip. “So it’s the procedure or the pregnancy, not both?” The Doctor nods. “I’m afraid so.” I exhale heavily. As if I didn’t have enough things to decide right now. “Is the baby healthy?” Kathryn’s words surprise me. Somehow I hadn’t thought that far. “It’s early still, but the cells do appear to be dividing in a normal manner.” The Doctor answers her. Then he turns back to me. “If you do decide to keep it, we’ll have to schedule regular follow-up scans.” I nod dazedly. One thing at a time.

Neither Kathryn nor I say a word when we walk back to her quarters. Once inside she sinks down on the couch and exhales deeply. I remain standing. “Ultimately it’s not really an issue.” I speak softly. She snaps her head up, throwing me an incredulous look. “How can you say that?” I sigh and hold up my hand. “I don’t want to be pregnant.” She looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. “You haven’t even discussed this with Tom.” She utters and then her eyes widen when she realizes my intentions. “You’re not going to tell him?” I fold my arms defensively. “It’s my decision and mine alone.” Kathryn rises from the couch. “Clearly this concerns him as well, B’Elanna.” She counters with more vehemence than I’d expected. “It’s his baby too.” I lift my hands in the air. “It’s not a baby. You heard the Doctor: it’s just a clump of dividing cells right now.” I yell exasperated. “A clump of cells that are turning into a baby. Your baby! And his baby too.” She yells back. “And I’m not having it!” I shout as I feel tears amass behind my eyes. “I don’t care whose baby it is, I’m not having it…” My voice breaks and I turn away from her. Her hand on my shoulder is soothing and I can’t help but give in to her embrace. She shushes me softly. “I can barely handle myself right now.” I whisper against her shoulder. “I don’t want to be responsible for the wellbeing of someone else too. I don’t know how.” I sniffle and I think back to the similar conversation I had with Tom about the same topic before. Only then it was all just hypothetical. I feel Kathryn’s surprise as she takes in all this extra information. “I’m sorry.” She whispers. “I had no clue.” The warmth of her presence calms me down somewhat. This is what I need: calmness, not more upheaval. “Of course it’s your decision.” She continues. “And I support your right to make it, no matter what, but Tom has a right to know.” She tilts her head back to look me in the eye. “I know you understand that.” With a sigh I look away, and then I nod.

-TOM-
When I hear the door chime I expect it to be Harry, picking me up for breakfast. But when I open the door and see B’Elanna instead, my eyes widen in surprise. “Can I come in?” The question seems a little ridiculous, considering she’s lived her for so long. “Of course.” I nod, stepping aside to allow her entry. She looks like she hasn’t slept all night. “What can I do for you?” Deep down I hope that she’s just back, that she realized that it was me she wanted all along. But the drawn look on her face tells me otherwise. “I need to talk to you.” I gesture to the couch. “Do you want some coffee?” She shakes her head. “Could you just… sit down?” It’s about the procedure, I realize. Maybe Tenna and Eru made a mistake and it’s not possible after all to reverse the side-effects. I swallow, trying to mentally steel myself for whatever is coming. “The Doctor still thinks the procedure is not entirely without risk.” She starts and I nod, having expected that. “But sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks, right?” I ask her tentatively. She nods, but she seems preoccupied. “There’s another matter that complicates things…” She takes a deep breath. “It appears that I’m… pregnant.” It takes me a couple of seconds to register her words, what they mean. “What?” I utter stupefied. She bites her lip. “I’m pregnant.” Pure and unadulterated joy rises in my chest, but then I remember our discussion about her reservations on motherhood. “We can try, right?” I stammer. “I mean, after the Seku’uro procedure you won’t have the telepathy to worry about anymore so we can try this, together, right?” She closes her eyes. “The Doctor told me in no uncertain terms that if I undergo this procedure it will effectively terminate my pregnancy.” Right there and then, my heart shatters into a thousand pieces as I take in the horrible truth. I can be either a husband or a father, but not both. I bury my face in my hands. “I can’t have the baby, Tom.” I hear B’Elanna whisper after a moment. When I look up there are tears in her eyes. “I just can’t.” My voice is thick with emotion when I reply. “I wish you could.” She nods and places her hand on my knee. “I know.” She whispers. “I’m so sorry…”

When she’s gone I wonder how my life got so screwed up so quickly. Within a matter of weeks, I’ve lost my wife twice and now I also have to give up the kid I wanted so badly to be a father for. I never realized how uncomplicatedly easy my life was before. But now I’ve gone from the top of the world to the catacombs of hell faster than I ever imagined possible. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that B’Elanna will be back to her old self soon. I know that the past couple of weeks can’t simply be erased, but I think we’ll be able to move past this and try together again. I know I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I realize she may never be ready to be a mother, but on the other hand maybe after some time she’ll feel more secure about it. And hopefully I’ll have another chance to be a father. Tears well up in my eyes as I think about the unborn life that we’ve created and that will be terminated before it ever got a chance to live. I will myself to understand why she has to do it, and to not hate her for it. I don’t want to end up resenting her for this. I don’t want to end up with nothing. I’ve lost her twice already. I won’t lose her a third time, and certainly not on my own volition.

-KATHRYN-
When B’Elanna enters my quarters in the evening, a storm of emotions accompanies her. I don’t even have to ask how her day was. Instead I just wrap my arms around this whirlwind I’ve come to love so much. I feel her thoughts already become less chaotic as she gives in to my embrace. “It’s okay.” I whisper. “You’re home now.” She exhales deeply, realizing how true those words are. “Yes I am.” She breathes. “Did you talk to Tom today?” I ask and immediately I feel her emotions flare up again. Her volatile Klingon nature reminds me of a fire, with burning hot flames: intriguing to watch, a little dangerous and unpredictable, but most of all warming me to the core. “Yes.” She sighs and pulls away from me. “He took it quite hard.” She flops down on the couch. I sit down next to her and start massaging her shoulders. She moans. “Ah, that’s exactly what I needed.” I grin as I lightly kiss the top of her head. “I know.” She smiles at me, but I feel her thoughts going back to Tom. “He thinks that after the procedure everything will go back to the way it was before.” She speaks pensively. I pause the movement of my hands but keep a lightly pressure on her shoulders. “Is that what you want?” I’ve been careful not to push her on anything, but the time for making a decision is approaching fast. Tomorrow evening, Voyager will continue on its way home again. That means we have to choose whether or not we want to go through with the procedure by tomorrow morning. I feel her answer even before she speaks the words. “I want to be with you.” She breathes as she turns to me. To hear those words spoken out loud makes my heart swell. She bites her lip. “Do you think we can make it together as non-telepaths?” Her words voice the question that has been on my mind since we found out about the procedure. “I don’t know.” I answer honestly. “Our particular circumstances brought us together and helped form the deep connection that we have.” I gaze into her eyes. “But I like to think that our feelings are strong enough to survive as a couple of non-telepaths as well.” I reach out to touch her face and the sensation she experiences resonates somewhere in the back of my mind. “I will miss this though…” I add softly, referring to the added intensity that comes with every touch we share. And I will miss seeing her beautiful mind and soul the way only a telepath can. She scoots closer to me and presses her lips against mine. “We’ll just have to make tonight count then.” She whispers in a sultry voice. The fire that runs through her blood sets mine aflame as well. Our kiss deepens and she pulls me on top of her. We struggle to get out of our uniforms, both craving the touch of flesh against our own. The eagerness and enthusiasm I’ve previously only seen in her job as an Engineer are traits she also displays as a lover. I revel in the strong emotions emanating from her, bask in the love between us. I kiss my way down her throat, briefly tease her nipples before continuing my way down, while my hands also explore her flesh. When I reach the flat expanse of her belly I can’t help but think about the life growing in there. I quickly shield the thought from her, knowing it will kill the mood faster than anything. But I needn’t have worried. She’s too overwhelmed by the physical stimulation of my hands and mouth to notice my musings. So I quickly put the thought aside, instead surrendering to the currents of pleasure rippling between us.

Much later that night we find ourselves in bed and B’Elanna lies asleep in my arms. With one arm I readjust the covers so that we’re both comfortably warm. Then I lightly rest my hand on her hip. She sighs contentedly and snuggles closer against me. At the same time, my arms tighten around her, wanting to make her feel safe and loved. The movement causes my hand to slide down over her belly and my thoughts involuntarily go back to the baby inside. Tentatively, doing my best not to wake her, I splay my fingers softly against her belly. I find myself silently apologizing to the little clump of cells inside that is still growing fast, unaware that its fate is already sealed. Somehow I also feel responsible for its impending termination, even though I had no part in B’Elanna’s decision. And I can’t help but wonder… should I have fought on its behalf?

-B’ELANNA-
In the morning I’m staring into the dark liquid in my coffee cup at the breakfast table when I feel Kathryn’s hand slide over mine. “Are you okay?” She asks and I feel concern for me emanate from her. “Do you think the procedure will work?” I ask her. “Will we really be back to normal?” She exhales. “The Doctor worked together with Tenna and Eru to optimize the procedure, trying to tailor it to our specific needs and making it as safe as possible. If it doesn’t work now, it’ll probably never work.” Her words don’t really do much to assuage my doubts. She squeezes my hand. “It’ll be fine.” I nod, but I’m not totally convinced.
The door chime sounds and Kathryn frowns as she gets up to answer the door. My surprise matches hers as I hear Tom’s voice. “The Computer told me B’Elanna is here?” Kathryn steps aside to let him in and I stare at him as he enters hesitantly. “I wanted to see you before the procedure, to wish you good luck.” He speaks softly and I can clearly sense his mixed feelings about the procedure. I silently nod. “I’ll uh… I’ll see you after?” The hope in his eyes is almost impossible to bear. I twist my face into a grimace that with any luck masks my dejection. He turns to the Captain. “Sorry to disturb you Captain. Good luck to you too.” Then his eye falls onto her robe. I can almost feel his brow furrow as he turns to me and notices that about half of my uniform is missing. He spots my jacket lying crumpled on the floor and my shoes haphazardly thrown next to the couch. His eyes widen as he realizes that the most logical explanation for this tableau is that I have spent the night here. I tense and I can feel Kathryn tense as well, prepared to defend me and herself in case this revelation turns out to be more than Tom can handle. His face turns back to me and I know he can read the truth in my eyes. It hits him like a ton of bricks would, making him sway on his feet. After all the loss and pain he’s been through in the past couple of weeks, my connection to Kathryn is the crippling blow and right before my eyes, he groans and sinks down on the floor. Both Kathryn and I are by his side in less than a second. “Tom!” I yell, helping Kathryn to get him onto the couch. He groans as we move him and I feel relief flood me as I realize he’s coming to. I really need him to be okay. I can’t have this on my conscience as well. I suddenly have this very vivid image of myself as the harbinger of death and destruction. Only when I feel Kathryn’s hand on my arm, does the world come back into focus. She frowns at me, alternating her worry between me and Tom. Her gaze locks onto mine for a second, wanting to make sure I’m okay. I nod silently at her, as the realization hits me that throughout this whole ordeal, I have always been able to count on her strength to help me through. Tom groans again and we both shift our gaze to him. There is no denying the part I have played in making his life a living hell. The responsibility weighs heavily on my chest. I feel Kathryn’s mind reaching out for me, trying to alleviate my guilt. “You did what you had to do.” She speaks softly. “He knows that. You need to do what’s right for you.” She continues to softly stroke Tom’s hair as his eyes flutter open and closed. “Tom? Tom?” She tries to draw his attention. “Can you hear me?” I grab his hand as I think about her words. These people both depend on me as much as I depend on them. I have to do what’s right for me, but I also have the responsibility to do what is right for us, for all of us. I look at all our joined hands and then it strikes me exactly what would be the right thing to do. I feel Kathryn suck in a surprised breath as she picks up on my idea and I turn to her. “Are you sure?” She asks me and I bite my lip, trying to gauge her thoughts on this. I will need her support because there is no way I can do it without her. She nods almost imperceptibly and a serenity that I haven’t felt since I became a telepath settles over me. This is the only right decision. “I’m sure about this.” On the couch, Tom opens his eyes. “Sure about what?” He slurs. I take a deep breath and squeeze his hand. “There’s going to be a change of plan…”

EPILOGUE
-MIRAL-
After Mommy’s tucked me in I can’t help but hear her talking in our living room. “He’s kept her out way too late again, playing Travis and Flotter.” Even though we’re not in the same room, I can sense her annoyance with Daddy. I know my Mom well enough to pick up on her feelings just by hearing her voice. Her irritation lessens almost immediately when I hear Nini’s voice chime in. “You’re being too hard on him B’Elanna.” She shushes my Mom. Nini always knows how to calm Mom down. Naomi and I once overheard Chell saying that the only thing that could ‘tame the Klingon’ was a ‘death glare’. I didn’t understand but Naomi snickered, so I just pretended to know what he was talking about because I didn’t want to seem like a baby. When I asked my Mom about it later that day, she just got furious and started growling something about Cehll knowing better than to mess with a Klingon telepath. I was still none the wiser, but after Nini had calmed Mom down, she winked at me and told me that the only way to tame a Klingon was to love them as much as she loved Mom and me. I love Nini just as much as I love Mom and Dad, even though she’s not my biological parent. I learned that term in the Doctor’s biology class. Mom always says that she and Nini and Daddy all played their own important parts in my coming into existence. Naomi thinks I’m lucky because I have three parents. She only has her mom and even though she has a father in the Alpha Quadrant, she’s never met him. I can’t really imagine being so far away from Daddy. His quarters are just three doors down and I see him every day. I can talk to him and hug him and play Travis and Flotter with him whenever I want. He calls me ‘buddy’ even though I’m a girl and we have a secret language that only he and I can understand. He’s not like Mom and Nini, he never knows just like that what I’m thinking of or how I feel. He can’t read minds like they can. Neither can I, but I do sense how other people feel. The Doctor says that I’m more like an empath than a telepath, but the truth is, I’m just me. I’ve never been anything other than I am right now. And I don’t want to be either. I can feel my Mom struggle with her powers every day. She claims that being a Klingon doesn’t make it any easier either. And I know that Nini sometimes thinks her life as a Captain was simpler when she was a mere simple human. My father on the other hand sometimes wishes he was a mind reader, if only to keep up with the three of us when we’re all in a room together.
But the way I figure it, we can only be who we are. And use whatever powers we’ve been given to live up to our potential and tackle whatever life throws at us. To fate and circumstance resigned.