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"Don't have those disgusting fantasies about me!"
The voice from behind the door hit Shiono like a bucket of ice water, extinguishing the last shred of hope in Shiono's heart.
So Takoi-san had always thought of him that way?
Shiono's throat tightened. He slowly withdrew his hand and turned away.
Tears blurred the streetlights into hazy, muddy halos of light. Shiono wandered through the streets, with no clear direction—his feet just moved mechanically, carrying him away.
He thought that at least Takoi-san didn't hate or dislike him. That he might have a chance to date Tokai-san.
How laughably delusional.
Shiono wandered into a convenience store and came out with a few cans in hand. He didn't usually drink, but tonight—maybe because his emotions were running high—he suddenly felt like having a few sips.
He found an empty spot and sat down, casually popping open a can. Foam bubbled up, wetting his fingers. He stared at it blankly for a moment, then tilted his head back and took a big gulp.
So bitter.
He frowned, then took another sip. The cold liquid slid down his throat. He hardly ever drank, so he didn't know which brands were good. He had just grabbed a few random cans from the cooler.
To be honest, it didn't taste that good.
Shiono thought that, but he kept drinking anyway.
I'm sorry...
Shiono felt that if he had known Takoi-san had grown tired of him long ago, he wouldn't have kept foolishly pushing his way forward, causing him so much trouble.
Shiono tilted his head back and took another large gulp of alcohol. The pungent liquid made him cough twice. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry Takoi-san"
"I didn't know... that I made you so uncomfortable."
He had always wondered—was Tokai-san inviting him to the aquarium out of genuine liking, or just to patch up their already precarious relationship once again?
But if it was just for show, why accept his gift?
Shiono thought of this and took out the pink pen.
"Why..."
Shiono's voice trembled slightly in the night breeze. He stared at the pen as if it were an unsolvable puzzle. If Tokai-san didn't want any more involvement with him, why did he take the initiative to ask him out? Why accept his gift? Why have meals with him? Why, when Shiono was overjoyed, thinking they were getting closer, did he learn that Tokai-san actually thought he was "disgusting"?
"If I had known... if I had known earlier..."
If he had known all of this from the start, he shouldn't have fallen headfirst into this pit with no way out.
But then again, even if he had known, could he really have controlled himself?
"I'm sorry..." he said again, even more softly. "For causing you so much trouble, and making you say something like that... you must have been really fed up."
He hung his head, his bangs covering his eyes. The first can was gradually emptying, and his consciousness was beginning to blur, but the words of apology only grew clearer.
"It won't happen again..."
"I won't come near you anymore..."
"I won't make you feel disgusted anymore..."
He clenched the empty can, his knuckles turning white.
A few more gulps of alcohol went down, but Shiono felt even more sober instead.
Or maybe he had drunk too much, and the alcohol had already numbed him.
Sober? Numbed?
Shiono himself couldn't tell anymore.