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Lian cannot believe it’s come to this. She’s standing outside Jason’s shitty apartment in civilian clothes getting rained on and trying to convince herself not to knock on the door. Or to knock on the door. She really can’t decide.
She could’ve gone to someone else, in theory, but she didn’t love any of her options. Her parents aren’t particularly relationship goals. Connor was a no for obvious reasons. She thinks he would’ve felt more embarrassed by the conversation than her. She wasn’t going to ask Ollie or Dinah, they’re old. It also just feels weird to ask her family about… a not-crush. Because it’s not a crush. It’s just… something.
Even if it wasn’t weird like that, the fact of the matter is that Lian was away from her family for a really long time. She was young when she “died,” so her memories of them were already foggy, and to save herself she forgot them almost entirely. She loves them, really, and being able to be with them now is a miracle. But even though it’s been a bit since her dad found her, they all still sometimes feel like strangers. Mia’s like a childhood babysitter that remembers you a lot more than you remember them. They’re all like that, a lot of the time.
She loves them. Seriously. But she doesn’t always trust them with the secrets. The heavy parts of her, that even she doesn’t want to face. She’s not sure how they’d react to seeing all of her, when the kid they remember was so young, innocent, and perfect. One day they’re going to realize that that kid did die, and someone else came back.
So they’re a no.
There’s Selina, but Lian hasn’t talked to her as much since she left Gotham. Plus, Selina’s not her mom, or sister, or anything. She looked after them all for a bit, but she has her own life. Besides, what romantic advice can someone like the Catwoman give to Lian? Everyone falls at her feet, begs to be in her presence. Lian doesn’t have the looks, the charm, the elegance she has. She’s just some awkward kid who barely knows how to dress herself. Not to mention makeup, or hair, or whatever other things girls do. Shouldn't she know how to do those things? Is that what Nika would like?
When you’re a homeless kid in Gotham, specifically a homeless girl in Gotham, you don’t make yourself pretty. You don’t have the time, or the money, or the resources, but it also keeps you safe from the wrong kind of attention. Lian’s not there anymore, but it’s still an instinct to cover up, and stay inconspicuous.
Which is why this all fucking sucks! She’s never wanted to be noticed before, or had a not-crush, or wanted to look fucking pretty for someone else. She doesn’t know what to do here! Even now that she could, she’s never wanted to look all girly with fancy makeup, and sparkly jewelry, and frilly flouncy dresses or blouses or whatever. But isn’t that what girls do if they want a boy to like them? Lian’s never wanted a boy to like her, but maybe girls are the same?
Not that she wants Nika to like her. Because she doesn’t have a crush. The point is, Selina wouldn’t be helpful because Lian is sure it all comes naturally to her. So, she’s out too.
Her friends all know Nika and they’re all boys anyway. So she’s down to one option.
Not that Jason’s not also a boy. She honestly doesn’t know why she’s here. Which is why she should leave! What’s he going to tell her? Nothing useful, that's for sure. She needs more girl friends. Her only girl friend is the one person she really can’t talk to.
He was a last resort because despite the shit they give him, he does actually care about them, and he's kind of sort of their age, loathe as she is to admit it, at least compared to her parents, and he'll probably tell her to just get her shit together and then she can snap out of this.
Maybe she should’ve just called Mia.
Fuck this, she’s going home.
As she goes to walk away, a gruff voice from behind her says, “Lian?”
Damn it. She turns back toward the building, where Jason’s peeking out from the crack in the door. He looks exactly as pleased to see her as he always is when they show up at his door, which is not very.
“I’m leaving,” she says, and turns to go again.
“Okay, hey, wait.” Jason reaches out to grab her shoulder. “You’re soaked, what are you doing out right now?”
“None of your business,” she snarks.
“You’re at my door.”
“That’s a coincidence.”
Jason raises an eyebrow at her. “You once told me you wouldn’t set foot in this neighborhood if your life depended on it. You only come here because I 'need to be bullied and humbled for the good of humanity' or I'll 'kill everyone.'” He puts air quotes around the phrases that Lian has allegedly said.
“So? People change.”
“Lian, will you just— Get in here,” he sighs, dragging her through the door.
“Hey! This is kidnapping! I’m a minor!”
“If you ever want to see your family again you’ll come quietly.”
“Jesus, Jason, that’s dark,” Lian says, shrugging his arm off her shoulder.
“Fuck you, you started it.”
He grabs her again and steers her to a bar stool.
“Sit. Stay.”
“I’m not a dog!”
“You’re a cat, same thing,” Jason replies, stalking off towards his alleged bedroom. They’re all pretty sure it’s just an empty room with a lamp and his phone charger.
“They’re entirely different species! Read a book!” she yells after him.
“Nerd!” he yells back.
When Jason comes back out, he’s holding a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt.
“The pants are Damian’s, I think, so they should fit you a little better. Don’t have any smaller sweatshirts. Go change,” he tells her, pointing towards the bathroom.
She grumbles, but honestly, she is cold. And wet. And overwhelmed and tired and really fucking confused, like, in general.
She changes into Damian’s (UGH.) pants and Jason’s sweatshirt and she looks ridiculous, with it hanging down to her knees, but it’s honestly really comfortable and warm. It’s so nice, and it smells like Jason, and this day has really fucking sucked and she’s starting to tear up.
Just then, Jason knocks on the door.
“Kid? You okay?”
Lian sniffles and wipes her eyes. She has to get it together. She's been in here way longer than is not suspicious.
“Yeah, no, I’m good,” she replies, opening the door and shoving past Jason so he won’t see her face.
“Alright, well I made you a grilled cheese.”
“Oh.” Fuck, she’s gonna cry again. “Th-thanks. I’ll get it in a second,” she says, trying to wipe her face. Unfortunately, Jason is kind of perceptive, so he notices something is up.
“Hey, Lian,” he says gently, coming to stand in front of her. He looks like he’s panicking as soon as he sees her face. “Oh, Jesus, um… hey, come here,” he soothes, as he awkwardly pulls her in for a hug. Lian wants to pull back, but she just really needs a hug tonight, actually, so she drops her wet clothes that land with a gross squelch and throws her arms around Jason’s waist.
He flinches a bit, then hugs her a little more firmly and less like he’s never hugged anyone before in his life. He’s so awkward sometimes and Lian has to make fun of him or she’ll start sobbing.
“Shhh, it’s okay, what’s wrong Chesh? Did someone hurt you?”
“No,” she rushes to answer, because he’ll probably go kill someone if he thinks they did anything to her.
“Okay… are you… what’s wrong, kid?” He pulls back, putting his hands on either side of her face. She avoids eye contact, sure she looks splotchy and miserable, and buries her face back in his chest.
“N-nothing. I-I’m fine.”
“Kid, you showed up at my place in the middle of the night and immediately started crying,” he refutes, but hugs her back again. She doesn’t want to talk anymore. She just wants to stay here, where it’s warm and she knows she’s safe. Maybe she can stay and never talk to Nika again and her not-crush will go away and she’ll never like a girl ever again. It sucks.
Lian sniffles into Jason’s shirt.
“I’m okay, seriously. It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if it’s making you so upset you’re snotting all over me.” Whoops.
“It is dumb though. I don’t know why I’m crying. I shouldn’t be so upset about this.”
“Tell me what it is and I’ll tell you if it’s dumb, okay? Do you want to eat first? Drink some water?”
Lian sniffles and nods. “Yeah, okay.”
“You’re gonna have to let me go.”
“Okay,” she says, and doesn’t.
“Alright, come on,” Jason says, and gently pushes her away and towards the couch. “I’ll be right back, don’t move.”
“Okay.” She wipes her face with her sweatshirt sleeves and tries to stop crying. Jason comes back with a box of tissues, a glass of water, and her grilled cheese. It smells really good, actually. She eats it while Jason watches her, unsubtly. When she’s done, he takes the plate to the sink and refills her water glass, then sits back down next to her.
“Lian. Will you please tell me what’s got you so upset? I’m worried about you, hon.”
She pulls the sweatshirt hood over her head and tries to hide in it.
“It’s not a crush,” she mumbles.
“Say that again, please?” Jason asks.
“It’s not a crush!” She says, louder.
“Alright… so what is it then?”
Ugh. She does not want to talk about this. But he won’t let her go if she doesn’t, or he’ll rat her out to her dad out of concern or something, and if she tells Jason he’ll also decide it’s not actually that serious and just let it go. She doesn’t care what he thinks about her anyway, he’s just some old guy they’re graciously assisting in his work.
“H-how… how do you make someone like you?” She nearly whispers.
“Like… Like-like you?”
“Please stop trying to use slang,” she complains through her sniffles.
“People said that when I was your age!”
“In the dark ages, you mean?”
“Lian,” he says, staring at her pointedly.
“Okay, yes, fine, like-like you,” she confesses.
“You’re upset because you don’t have a crush on someone and they don’t like-like you?”
“See, it is stupid. There’s nothing to talk about,” she says and starts to get up to leave.
“Hey, sit down.” She does. “Why do you want this person to like-like you if you don’t have a crush on them?” Good question. The answer is she shouldn’t.
“Because I don’t have a crush on her but all she does is talk about a stupid boy and I don’t want her to like a stupid boy! So if she’s gonna like anyone it should be me!”
Jason doesn’t react to her revealing that the someone in question is a girl. That’s good, she guesses.
“I’m gonna be honest with you, hon, that sounds a lot like a crush.”
“It’s not,” she says, glaring at him from under her hood.
“Alright, fine, then why don’t you want her to like a boy?”
“Because,” she snarks at Jason.
“Is she dating this boy?”
“I don’t know. They were dating. I don’t know if they are anymore. He lives in Goth-” she cuts herself off. Shit, this is too much information. “He doesn't live around here. So I don’t even know why she hasn’t forgotten about him already.”
“Is… is Flatline the someone you want to like-like you?” Damn it. Raised-by-Batman asshole.
“...No.”
He gives her a deadpan look. “Who else do you know that’s a girl and has an ex-boyfriend across the country. Specifically in Gotham. And whose pants you’re wearing right now.”
“They’re my pants now, fuck Damian. And I could have friends you don’t know.”
“You could, but you don’t. You hang out with the same five people. And you really seem to dislike my brother.”
“I’m not talking to you about this if you’re going to take his side.”
“There are no sides here! Hey, promise, I don’t even talk to the kid enough to care. This is your business. But if it’s upsetting you, I want to help. Talk to me, kid.”
“...Maybe it’s a crush. I don’t know. I’ve never had a crush before,” she sulks.
“Never?”
“I don’t know that many girls my age.”
Jason takes that information into stride, and replies, “Okay, sure. I know girls can be scary. But you guys are friends, maybe you should tell her how you feel.”
Lian glares at him. “No.”
“Okay, okay,” Jason says, holding his hands up in surrender. “Well, if you don’t want to tell her that you have a not-crush on her, how do you want her to like-like you?”
“That’s literally what I just asked you. Obviously I don’t know!”
“Alright, sorry, Christ. Well… at your age… shit, has someone given you the talk? Are you allowed to have crushes? You should talk to your parents about this,” Jason stammers out, looking panicked.
“I’m not asking you about sex, holy fuck! Can you just help me out here?”
“Fine, fine. Age-appropriate advice. But if you have any questions, you can always talk to your parents. Not me. Don’t ask me. I beg you,” he pleads with a horrified expression on his face.
“Jasonnnnnn.”
“Okay, okay. If I wanted a girl to like me, I guess I’d hang out with her more, just the two of us. Compliment her, tell her she looks pretty. Listen to her when she talks, and remember what she says. Girls appreciate it when they can tell you care about what they’re saying, or you remember the things they like and don’t like. Just… be present, I guess. Show you care about them, and they might start to think about you the same way.” Jason finishes there, looking too proud of his answer.
“Jason, none of that is helpful.”
“What?!”
“We already hang out, and if a girl tells another girl she looks pretty she’ll just think it’s in a friend way. I need to change, so she’ll notice me. Like when the girls in movies get a makeover and then everyone likes them. Dress up, or whatever,” Lian mumbles,
“Hey, what? Lian,” he says, trying to catch her eye. “Lian, look at me. You don’t have to change anything about yourself. Not for anyone, do you hear me? Lian.” She looks up at him, and he’s looking back at her deadly seriously. She doesn’t know how to respond to that.
“Lian. Jesus, come here,” he says, reaching an arm around her again. She burrows into his side and hides her face. “You’re a really great kid, Lian. You never have to change yourself for anybody else. If they don’t like you the way you are, they’re not worth it, and they’re not right for you. Also, I'm pretty sure most of those movies end with their looks not being what's important."
“But… I’m supposed to be… different,” she stutters. “Like other girls. They’re all prettier than me, and they have better style, and hair. They wear dresses and makeup and shit. They’re girly. That’s what people like.”
“Okay, I’m seriously not the right person to talk to about this,” Jason mumbles to himself. To Lian, he says, “You don’t have to be like anyone else. You should talk to… someone… about the patriarchy. Or gender norms. Or whatever. You don’t have to be “girly,” or whatever it is you’re thinking. Unless you want to. That’s fine. Not everybody does. You can be masc... masculine… or whatever.”
“'Masc?'” She questions, looking up at him with one eyebrow raised.
“Is it butch? I always forget.”
“‘Butch?’ Who taught you that?”
“Batgirl.”
“Which one??”
“The second one is butch. Or masc. She’s dating the third one who told me that the second one is that. The first one actually told me what it meant. Do you want their numbers, actually? Steph loves giving people advice.”
For the first time all night Lian actually laughs. Huh. She guesses with so many capes flying around these days, the odds are in favor of some of them also being like her. But… still. How is she supposed to know if that even is what she is? How does anyone know? She knows those terms, and that some girls are like that. But she never really considered if that’s something she wanted, too.
“I’m gonna cancel you for messing up her label.”
“Hey! Don’t do that. I’m tired of you kids canceling me,” Jason jokes, rubbing her arm.
She leans back into him. “Okay. I won’t change for someone else.” She’s not sure if she believes that, but she knows it’s what he wants to hear.
“I’m gonna hold you to that. If Nika doesn’t like-like you back, screw her. And Damian.”
“Hey, don’t be mean to her. Just Damian.” Jason laughs at that, and she grins at him.
“Is that what was really bothering you? The way you look?”
“No… maybe… I don’t know. It’s all just confusing. And I didn’t know who to talk to.”
“If it makes you feel better, being a teenager is confusing for everyone. I died and got resurrected by the League of Assassins when I was a teenager.”
“That’s nothing compared to being a teenage girl,” she teases. “With lots of other shit going on, too. I was homeless. Catwoman made me a criminal.”
“I was homeless younger than you were. And Catwoman is a lovely person who took care of you.”
“Well, I died too.”
“I know, kid.” At that, he actually sounds quite sad. She looks up at him. “You’ve been through a lot, at a really young age. I know that makes this all so much worse. Talk to people. Your friends, your family. They want to help you.”
“And you?” she asks.
“Me too, Lian.”
“I knew you cared,” she teases.
“Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow I’ll go back to being a grumpy old man.”
Jason looks up at the clock. “It’s late, you need to go to bed. Does your mom know where you are?”
“She’s out of town. Can I stay here?”
“Fine, sure,” Jason grouches. “Just show up and eat my food and sleep on my couch.” Lian grins sleepily as Jason gets up to bring her a pillow and a blanket. He tucks it around her as she lies down, and smooths her hair out of her face.
“Get some sleep. I’ll make you pancakes in the morning,” he offers, walking to turn off the lights and disappear into his bedroom.
“Thanks,” she whispers towards him. She closes her eyes, sleep not far at all. It’s been a long day, and an exhausting one. But she feels a little better, now. And she’s totally keeping Jason's sweatshirt.