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Catra knew she was difficult to love.
She always had been, even when she was just a lost, lonely child living in the Horde. It had never come easy to her, being adored. Not like it was for Adora. Perfect Adora. Wonderful Adora. Strong, stubborn, self-righteous, sacrificial Adora.
In one lifetime, Catra had hated her. In another, she’d loved her. At one point, they had even existed at the same time. Catra didn’t know how to hold both feelings in her hands. Didn’t know how to stop them from slipping from her grasp.
Hate, love. Envy, awe. To hurt Adora, and to be hurt by Adora.
To save her and be the reason she needs saving.
Sometimes, Catra felt like she was barely hanging on by her fingernails. When Adora would look at her with those kind blue eyes and soft, gentle smiles, and damn it all, she just looked so beautiful.
Once upon a time, Catra had felt like couldn’t survive without Adora’s smiles. Then again, Adora had always been the strong one.
Adora could survive without Catra. Catra knew this. Adora knew this too. But Adora forgave her anyway.
“Catra, I know what you’re doing.” Adora was saying, all golden and shiny and good. Catra bared her teeth.
“You don’t know anything.” Catra spat, all venom and poison and nothing at all worthwhile. Adora just frowned at her.
“Catra…” Adora said Catra’s name the way she used to, so warm and understanding and not the way Catra should be called, like Catra was something breakable.
Bright Moon was full of delicate, breakable things. Crystal chandeliers and porcelain vases and marble statues, and Catra was not one of them. Catra was the dirt dragged in from the Fright Zone, mud on the bottom of She Ra’s boot.
“Just… just leave me alone, Adora.” Catra said, voice rough and ragged. Adora’s deep blue eyes were kind like the ocean could be kind, right before a tidal wave pulled you under.
“I know you’re lashing out because you’re hurting. But Catra, it’s okay. You’re safe, here.” Adora tried reassuring her, and this just had the ends of Catra’s hair stand up.
Bright Moon wasn’t safe. It was noisy and crowded and full of people who looked at Catra with either contempt or pity, and Catra couldn't decide which she hated more.
“Safe? You think I'm safe, here? I’m a traitor, a villain, a… a... a monster.” Catra tried to get Adora to see the truth. That Adora’s goodness could not be rubbed off onto Catra.
Everyone in Bright Moon saw Catra as something wounded and feral; leashed to Adora, gnawing at her own leg just to get free.
“Please, Catra. Don’t… don’t push me away. Not again.” Adora begged. Pleaded. Asked Catra not to leave her in that same desperate tone Catra had once used on her. Back when they were on the spaceship, and Adora had saved Catra, had saved Catra, had saved Catra.
Catra found herself backing into the wall.
Anywhere, she needed to be anywhere but here.
The palace walls were smooth like weathered stone, cool against Catra’s back.
Catra was trapped, and when Catra was trapped, Catra lashed out.
“You don’t get to ask me to stay, Adora!” Catra cried out, “Not you. You don’t get to… you can’t ask that of me.”
As Catra spoke, something started unravelling inside of her. Loathing and distrust and betrayal and abandonment and Adora left me, Adora left me, Adora left me.
It left a bitter taste in her mouth.
“Catra…” Adora’s voice was small. Like when they were kids and got in trouble with Shadow Weaver, and Adora would try to defend Catra, but her voice would shake when doing so. Stupid, sentimental Adora.
“Leave me ALONE!” Catra cried out. She needed to get out of here. Away from the castle, away from Bright Moon, away from Adora.
In a fit of something like rage, Catra swiped her claws out at Adora, barely missing taking out her eye. Adora didn't even flinch.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Adora told her firmly, “I left you once. I almost lost you. I am never losing you again.”
Catra looked up, and saw nothing but a fierce kind of devotion on Adora’s face. It looked almost close to something like love.
Catra closed her eyes, feeling tears well up, hot and humiliating. Adora didn’t hesitate, just pulled Catra into a tight hug, strong and sure. Her fingers tangled in Catra's short hair, pulling and holding the strands like they were a lifeline.
Held in Adora’s arms, Catra almost felt safe.
Like she could be loved, here.