Work Text:
Amber knew she was in trouble when she couldn't get her left skate tied.
Not because there was anything wrong with the skate.
The lace was fine.
Her hands were the problem.
She'd made it through the first four eyelets before realising she couldn't feel her fingertips properly.
She stopped.
Flexed them.
Tried again.
The lace slipped.
"Fuck."
Around her, the locker room continued existing.
That felt offensive.
Someone laughed somewhere behind her. A door opened and closed. Skate guards scraped against the rubber flooring. Music leaked tinny and distorted through somebody's headphones.
Normal sounds.
Normal competition.
Normal day.
Amber stared at her skate.
Four eyelets.
She needed to pull the lace through the fifth.
That was it.
She knew how to tie a skate.
She had been tying skates for most of her life.
She could do this with her eyes closed.
Her hands wouldn't move.
"Amber?"
She looked up too quickly.
Damon stood a few feet away.
His expression was carefully neutral.
She knew that expression.
She hated that expression.
"I'm fine."
He hadn't asked.
His eyebrows lifted slightly.
Amber looked back down.
"Didn't say anything."
"You were going to."
"Was I?"
"Yeah."
"Interesting."
She picked up the lace.
Missed the eyelet.
Fuck.
"Need a minute?"
"No."
"Okay."
"I'm fine."
"There it is."
Amber glared at him.
Damon smiled.
Not mockingly.
That somehow made it worse.
"Take your time."
"I don't need to take my time."
"Then don't."
He walked away.
Amber stared after him.
Asshole.
She looked down.
The lace had somehow become blurry.
No.
Absolutely not.
She blinked hard.
Once.
Twice.
The skate came back into focus.
Five eyelets.
She pulled the lace through.
Six.
Seven.
Her fingers were shaking.
She stopped again.
You're fine.
That was becoming less convincing.
Amber inhaled through her nose.
Held it.
Exhaled slowly.
She knew how to do this.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Feet on the floor.
Well.
One foot on the floor.
One foot currently trapped inside an incompletely tied Jackson boot.
Still counted.
She looked around.
Blue wall.
Black bench.
White towel.
Red bottle.
Grey floor.
Five things.
Four things she could touch.
Three things she could hear.
She knew the fucking list.
She'd done the fucking list.
She'd taught other people the fucking list.
Her nervous system apparently did not care.
Her phone buzzed beside her.
Amber looked at it.
alyssa <3
The contact name had started as a joke.
Then they'd started dating and Amber had refused to change it because, according to her, changing it would be suspicious.
Alysa had pointed out that nobody was routinely inspecting Amber's contact list and also that putting a heart beside someone's name was perhaps not the most effective strategy for hiding a relationship.
Amber had told her to shut up.
The heart remained.
She unlocked her phone.
alyssa <3: u good
Amber stared at it.
She typed.
amber: yep
Three dots appeared immediately.
alyssa <3: liar
Amber's mouth twitched.
amber: wow
amber: so supportive
alyssa <3: i support you telling me the truth
amber: gross
alyssa <3: <3
Amber stared at the heart.
Her chest hurt.
Different kind.
Worse kind.
Better kind.
She looked around before hitting the call button.
Alysa answered on the second ring.
"Hi."
Just that.
Amber closed her eyes.
"Hi."
There was a pause.
"How bad?"
Of course.
Not what's wrong?
Not are you nervous?
How bad.
Because Alysa knew.
Amber picked at the lace.
"Like a four."
"Amber."
"Five."
"Amber."
"Six?"
"Bro."
Despite everything, Amber laughed.
Tiny.
Barely there.
But real.
"Fine. Like seven."
"Okay."
"Don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you're worried."
"I am worried."
"Don't be."
"Oh, cool. Thanks. Fixed."
Amber smiled again.
Then it disappeared.
"I can't tie my skate."
The silence on the other end changed.
Not dramatic.
Alysa didn't gasp.
Didn't start throwing advice at her.
She just got quieter.
"Because your hands are shaking?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
Amber swallowed.
"I feel stupid."
"Why?"
"Because it's a fucking skate."
"Yeah, and?"
"I know how to tie it."
"I would hope so."
"Alysa."
"What?"
"I'm having a crisis."
"And I'm trying to keep the crisis humble."
That got another laugh.
Alysa was good at that.
Not making things smaller.
Just making them less powerful.
Amber looked at her hand.
Still shaking.
"Alysa."
"I'm here."
The words landed immediately.
Her throat tightened.
"Can you..."
She stopped.
"What?"
Amber glanced toward the door.
People everywhere.
Officials.
Skaters.
Coaches.
Cameras in hallways.
Fans who could identify Alysa from the back of her head at fifty metres.
They had been careful.
So fucking careful.
Months of careful.
Hotel rooms entered separately.
No kissing anywhere remotely public.
Hands that wanted to link staying obediently at their sides.
Sitting beside each other without sitting too close.
Alysa sleeping in Amber's room and leaving early enough that nobody would see.
Or, at least, nobody who mattered.
Their friends knew.
Of course they knew.
They weren't idiots.
Jason had taken one look at them after they'd started dating and said, Finally, which Amber still considered deeply insulting.
Isabeau had apparently known before Amber did.
Their coaches knew.
A few people on tour had figured it out.
But the public didn't.
That was different.
The public made everything bigger.
The public could turn a glance into a headline.
A hand on someone's waist into a theory.
A dinner into evidence.
A friendship into something to dissect.
Amber had spent enough of her life being visible.
Some things she wanted to keep.
Alysa was one of them.
"Can I what?" Alysa asked softly.
Amber looked down.
"Nothing."
"No."
"What?"
"You were gonna ask me something."
"It doesn't matter."
"Amber."
"I'm fine."
"You called me because you couldn't tie your skate."
"Rude."
"Ask."
Amber closed her eyes.
"Can you come down here?"
No hesitation.
"Yeah."
Relief hit so fast it almost hurt.
Then anxiety followed.
"No, wait."
"Too late."
"Alysa."
"I'm already moving."
"You're not supposed to be back here."
"I have accreditation."
"Not for this area."
"I'll figure it out."
"Alysa."
"What?"
Amber lowered her voice.
"There are cameras."
A pause.
"I know."
"What if somebody sees you?"
"Then somebody sees me."
Amber squeezed her eyes shut.
"You don't have to."
"I know."
That was Alysa's answer to everything.
You don't have to stay.
I know.
You don't have to come.
I know.
You don't have to deal with this.
I know.
Never obligation.
Always choice.
"I'll be there in five," Alysa said.
The call ended.
Amber stared at her phone.
Her hands were still shaking.
But now she was waiting.
That was easier than panicking.
Sometimes.
Alysa made it in four minutes.
Amber knew because she checked.
She was still sitting on the bench with one skate tied and the other half done when the door opened.
Alysa appeared wearing black pants, a giant Team USA jacket and an expression suggesting she'd argued successfully with at least one security guard.
Amber's entire body reacted before her brain did.
Her shoulders dropped.
Her jaw unclenched.
She breathed.
Actually breathed.
Alysa saw it happen.
Her expression softened.
"Hi."
Amber hated how close she was to crying just from that.
"Hi."
Alysa looked around.
There were other people in the room.
Not many.
Enough.
She stopped a normal distance away.
That hurt.
Necessary.
Still hurt.
"What's up?"
Amber looked pointedly at her skate.
Alysa looked down.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"You really weren't kidding."
"Thanks."
"Sorry."
Alysa crouched in front of her.
Amber's heart jumped.
"What are you doing?"
"Tying your skate."
"You can't tie my skate."
"I've tied a skate before."
"Not mine."
"They're laces, Amber."
"The tension has to be right."
"Then tell me."
Amber stared at her.
Alysa held out her hand.
"Give."
"This is humiliating."
"Only if you keep narrating it."
Amber handed her the lace.
Alysa started threading it.
"Too loose."
Alysa tightened it.
"Too tight."
"Jesus Christ."
"Sorry."
"Princess behavior."
"I'm about to compete."
"Apparently that makes you royalty."
Amber watched her.
Alysa's fingers were steady.
Of course they were.
Through the next eyelet.
Pull.
Cross.
Next.
Something inside Amber settled with every movement.
Alysa didn't look up.
"Better?"
"Yeah."
"Here?"
"Little tighter."
"Here?"
"Good."
Alysa finished the knot.
Double knot.
Tapped the toe.
"There."
Amber looked at her skate.
Then at Alysa.
"Thanks."
"Five hundred dollars."
"Fuck off."
"Venmo me."
Amber laughed.
Someone across the room glanced over.
Both of them noticed.
Alysa stood.
The invisible wall returned.
No touching.
Amber hated it suddenly.
Usually she understood.
Usually she was the one enforcing it.
Alysa would forget and reach for her hand in a hallway, and Amber would pull away gently.
Camera.
Alysa would roll her eyes but understand.
Now Amber wanted to reach forward and hook both hands into Alysa's jacket.
She didn't.
"How long do you have?" Alysa asked.
"Warm-up in twenty."
"Okay."
"Stop."
Alysa grinned.
"Right. Banned word."
"Thank you."
"How's the anxiety?"
Amber considered lying.
Alysa waited.
"Still bad."
"Same bad?"
"Maybe six."
"Look at me curing mental illness with my elite skate-tying skills."
Amber snorted.
"Idiot."
"Yeah."
Alysa's expression softened.
"Want me to stay?"
Yes.
Immediately.
Desperately.
Instead Amber looked around.
"I don't know if you can."
"That's not what I asked."
Amber looked at her.
Alysa held her gaze.
"Do you want me to stay?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll stay."
Simple.
Amber wished everything could be that simple.
The anxiety got worse ten minutes before warm-up.
Of course it did.
Amber had reached the point where she was dressed, skates on, jacket zipped, everything physically ready.
Which meant there was nothing left to do except think.
Terrible system.
She paced.
Alysa sat on the floor against the wall.
She'd somehow acquired a coffee.
Amber didn't ask.
"You are stressing me out," Alysa said.
Amber stopped.
"I'm stressing you out?"
"Yeah."
"Interesting."
"You're walking like a zoo animal."
"Fuck you."
"Come here."
Amber glanced around.
They were in a quieter hallway now.
Still public.
Still potentially visible.
Alysa patted the floor beside her.
Amber sat.
Not touching.
Their shoulders were maybe three inches apart.
It felt like three miles.
Alysa took a sip of coffee.
"What's the brain saying?"
Amber stared ahead.
"That I'm going to fuck up."
"Creative."
"That I'm gonna pop something."
"Classic."
"That my legs are gonna stop working."
"Fun."
"That I'm gonna embarrass myself."
"Love that one."
Amber turned.
"Are you helping?"
"Yeah."
"How?"
"Making your anxiety sound as repetitive as it is."
Amber stared.
Alysa shrugged.
"It's saying the same shit it always says."
"Because sometimes it's right."
"Sure."
That wasn't the answer Amber expected.
She frowned.
Alysa continued.
"Maybe you fall."
Amber's stomach twisted.
"Maybe you pop something."
"Alysa."
"Maybe the skate isn't what you want."
"You're terrible at this."
"Wait."
Alysa put down the coffee.
"And then what?"
Amber looked at her.
"What?"
"Then what?"
"I get a bad score."
"Maybe."
"I lose."
"Maybe."
"I disappoint everyone."
"No."
Amber went quiet.
Alysa looked at her.
"That's the one you sneak in there every time."
Amber looked away.
"Nobody said that."
"You do."
Silence.
"You make a mistake and then suddenly it's not about a jump anymore. It's about whether you're good enough and whether everyone secretly regrets believing in you."
Amber's throat tightened.
"I don't—"
"Bro."
Amber sighed.
"Fine."
Alysa nudged the sole of Amber's guard with her own shoe.
"You can have a bad skate."
"I don't want one."
"I know."
"You say that like it's easy."
"It's not."
Alysa's voice softened.
"But you're allowed."
Amber looked down.
"What if I can't do it today?"
"Then you can't."
"I have to."
"No. You have to go out there and start."
"That's the same thing."
"No."
Alysa shook her head.
"You keep deciding you have to successfully complete the entire program while you're still sitting in a hallway."
Amber stared at her.
"That's insane."
"You're insane."
"Rude."
"Accurate."
Alysa leaned her head against the wall.
"You don't have to skate four minutes right now."
Amber breathed.
"You have to sit here."
Another breath.
"Then you have to get up."
Another.
"Then walk to the rink."
Alysa looked at her.
"Then warm up."
Amber swallowed.
"And after that?"
"Future Amber's problem."
Despite herself:
"She's a bitch."
"Yeah, fuck her."
Amber laughed.
It escaped loudly enough that an official walking past looked over.
Alysa smiled.
"There."
"What?"
"Nothing."
Amber knew what.
She leaned her head back.
The ceiling was ugly.
Arena ceilings always were.
Industrial.
Exposed pipes.
Lights too bright.
"You'll be there?"
"Obviously."
"Where?"
"Wherever they'll let me."
Amber nodded.
"Can I see you from the ice?"
"Probably."
"I want to."
Alysa's expression changed.
Small.
Tender.
"Then I'll make sure you can."
Amber's eyes burned.
She blinked.
"Don't."
"I'm literally not doing anything."
"Your face is."
"My face?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry for having one."
Amber smiled.
Then the announcement came.
Warm-up.
Her stomach dropped through the floor.
"Oh fuck."
Alysa stood.
Amber didn't.
For a second she genuinely couldn't.
People began moving.
Coaches.
Officials.
Skaters.
Everything accelerated around her.
Alysa stayed still.
"Amber."
"I know."
"No."
Amber looked up.
Alysa wasn't telling her to move.
"Look at me."
Amber did.
"Where are you?"
"What?"
"Where are you?"
"At the rink."
"More specific."
Amber breathed.
"Hallway."
"What are you doing?"
"Sitting."
"What happens next?"
"I stand up."
"That's it."
Amber stared at her.
Not six jumps.
Not spins.
Not scores.
Stand.
She planted both guarded blades against the floor.
Alysa held out a hand.
Then hesitated.
Public.
Amber looked at it.
Three months ago she would've refused.
Two months.
A week.
Today she took it.
Alysa pulled her up.
Neither let go immediately.
Amber could hear people.
She could see movement in her peripheral vision.
Didn't care.
Not yet.
Alysa squeezed.
"One thing."
Amber nodded.
"One thing."
Then they let go.
Warm-up was awful.
Not objectively.
Objectively it was probably fine.
Amber landed things.
Mostly.
Her body knew what to do even while her brain was screaming.
But every movement felt wrong.
Too fast.
Too slow.
Her legs heavy and weightless simultaneously.
She circled.
Breathed.
Tried not to watch anyone else.
She found Alysa.
Exactly where she'd promised.
Standing behind the boards near one corner, slightly back from the coaches.
Amber looked at her.
Alysa lifted two fingers.
Their thing.
Not a secret code originally.
Just something stupid that had become meaningful through repetition.
Here.
Amber exhaled.
She went into the Axel.
Landed it.
Not perfect.
Landed.
When she came around again, Alysa was still there.
Two fingers.
Here.
Amber's chest loosened.
Only slightly.
Enough.
The waiting was worse.
It always was.
Warm-up ended.
Guards on.
Jacket.
Then the horrible purgatory of listening to someone else's music while knowing yours was coming.
Amber bounced her knee.
Damon sat beside her.
Tammy stood nearby.
Alysa was farther down the hallway.
Close enough to see.
Not close enough.
Amber stared at the monitor.
She wasn't processing the skating.
Her heart was too fast.
"Slow your breathing," Damon said.
"I am."
"No, you're pretending to."
Amber glared.
He ignored it.
"In four."
She inhaled.
"Out six."
She exhaled.
Again.
Didn't work.
Again.
Still didn't work.
Again.
Maybe one percent.
"I feel like I'm gonna throw up."
"Do you need to?"
"No."
"Then let it be there."
Amber rubbed her palms against her thighs.
"I hate this."
"I know."
"I don't want to feel like this."
"I know."
"Can I—"
She stopped.
Damon followed her gaze.
Alysa.
Understanding crossed his face immediately.
"Go."
Amber looked at him.
"What?"
"You have a few minutes."
"Seriously?"
"Go."
She was already standing.
Alysa saw her coming.
"Hey."
Amber didn't stop at a socially appropriate distance.
She walked straight into her.
Arms around Alysa's waist.
Face against her shoulder.
Alysa caught her automatically.
Then went still.
Not because she didn't want it.
Because they were in a hallway.
At a competition.
People.
Cameras.
Amber knew.
Amber knew all of it.
She tightened her arms.
"Don't."
Alysa's hesitation vanished.
Her arms closed around Amber.
"Okay."
Amber breathed against her neck.
"Don't let go."
"I won't."
"I mean it."
"I know."
Alysa rubbed a hand slowly between her shoulder blades.
Amber closed her eyes.
She could smell Alysa's shampoo.
Coffee.
Cold rink air.
Something familiar.
Home, somehow.
"You're shaking."
"I know."
"Do you want to sit?"
"No."
"Okay."
Amber almost complained.
Didn't have the energy.
Alysa rested her cheek against Amber's hair.
"How long?"
"Two skaters."
"Okay."
Amber breathed.
"Tell me something stupid."
Alysa thought.
"I saw a dog outside."
"That's not stupid."
"It was wearing shoes."
"What kind?"
"Little yellow ones."
Amber smiled against her shoulder.
"All four?"
"Yeah."
"That's humiliating."
"He looked happy."
"He doesn't know."
Alysa laughed.
Amber felt it.
That helped.
"Another."
"I accidentally stole someone's water."
"How?"
"I thought it was mine."
"Did you drink it?"
"Yeah."
"That's disgusting."
"I realised after."
"Whose?"
"No idea."
Amber lifted her head.
Alysa looked genuinely concerned.
"You're gonna get sick."
"That's future Alysa's problem."
Amber laughed.
There.
That phrase.
She leaned her forehead against Alysa's.
For one second.
Too intimate.
Far too obvious.
Alysa's eyes flicked toward the hallway.
Amber saw.
"I don't care."
Alysa looked back.
"Right now?"
"Right now."
A pause.
"Okay."
Amber closed her eyes.
"I need you."
"I know."
"And I'm scared."
"I know."
"And I don't want to go."
Alysa's hands stayed at her waist.
"Then don't go yet."
"I have to."
"Not this second."
Amber breathed.
One thing.
Right now, Alysa.
That was it.
Then footsteps.
Damon.
He stopped a respectful distance away.
"Amber."
She didn't let go.
"How long?"
"One skater."
Her stomach flipped.
Alysa felt it happen.
"Hey."
Amber looked at her.
"You know what happens next?"
Amber nodded.
"Tell me."
"I walk down there."
"Then?"
"I take my guards off."
"Then?"
"Get on the ice."
"Then?"
Alysa waited.
Amber knew what she wanted.
"Nothing."
"Exactly."
Not land the Axel.
Not skate clean.
Nothing.
"You don't owe anybody what happens after that," Alysa said.
Amber swallowed.
"Just get on."
"Just get on."
Amber nodded.
Then, before she could think better of it, she kissed Alysa's cheek.
Alysa froze.
Damon definitely saw.
An official probably saw.
Amber didn't look.
She whispered, "Love you."
Alysa recovered.
Her eyes went impossibly soft.
"Love you too."
Amber let go.
Every cell in her body protested.
She walked away anyway.
One thing.
Her name echoed through the arena.
Applause.
Amber stepped onto the ice.
For a second the noise became enormous.
Then distant.
She skated toward her starting position.
Her legs worked.
Good.
That was useful.
She looked toward the boards.
Damon.
Tammy.
And behind them—
Alysa.
Two fingers raised.
Here.
Amber breathed.
The arena went quiet.
She took her position.
The music started.
The first thirty seconds disappeared.
Amber would remember almost none of them later.
There was movement.
Edges.
Choreography.
Muscle memory.
Then the setup.
Axel.
Her brain woke up just in time to scream.
Don't.
Too late.
She was already going.
Takeoff.
Air.
Landing.
The blade hit.
Held.
The arena erupted.
Amber heard it like she was underwater.
Keep moving.
Next thing.
Not the score.
Not the end.
Next thing.
She skated.
A jump.
A spin.
Breath.
Another element.
At one point she felt the anxiety surge again so violently that her hands went cold.
Then she passed the corner.
Alysa.
Still there.
Of course.
Amber didn't have time to look properly.
Didn't need to.
Here.
The program continued.
And slowly, impossibly, something shifted.
The anxiety didn't leave.
That wasn't how it worked.
It moved over.
Made room.
There was music beneath it.
Ice beneath her.
Her body.
The audience.
The strange beautiful fact that she was doing the thing she'd been convinced ten minutes earlier she couldn't do.
The final jumping pass came.
She landed.
A sound escaped her.
Almost a laugh.
Then choreography.
Spin.
Last seconds.
Amber hit the ending position.
Music stopped.
For half a second, silence.
Then noise.
Huge.
Amber stayed there.
Chest heaving.
The lights were too bright.
She'd done it.
She'd fucking done it.
Emotion hit before she could decide which emotion it was.
Relief.
Joy.
Exhaustion.
Anxiety.
All of it.
Her eyes filled.
She stood.
The audience was still cheering.
Amber put both hands over her face.
Oh, fuck.
She was crying.
Fine.
Whatever.
She bowed.
Once.
Again.
Her hands were shaking.
Not like before.
Different.
Still too much.
She skated toward the exit.
And saw Alysa.
Everything else disappeared.
Alysa knew before Amber reached the boards.
She knew from her face.
Amber wasn't just emotional.
She was overwhelmed.
There was a difference.
Alysa moved closer.
Amber stepped off the ice.
Damon reached toward her.
"Great—"
Amber walked straight past him.
Not rudely.
She just didn't seem to see him.
"Alysa."
It came out broken.
Alysa opened her arms.
Amber crashed into them.
Right there.
At the boards.
In front of coaches.
Officials.
Other skaters.
Spectators close enough to see.
And at least three television cameras.
Alysa caught her.
"Hey."
Amber buried her face against her.
"I did it."
"You did."
"I fucking did it."
"You did."
Alysa laughed, squeezing her.
Amber was crying.
Actually crying now.
Shaking with it.
Alysa rubbed her back.
"I'm so proud of you."
Amber made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.
"Don't leave."
"I'm not."
"I mean it."
"I know."
A camera moved.
Alysa saw it over Amber's shoulder.
She stiffened.
Amber felt it.
"What?"
Alysa hesitated.
"Camera."
Amber didn't move.
Didn't even lift her head.
"Okay."
Alysa blinked.
"Amber."
"I don't care."
Those three words.
Again.
Alysa's heart hammered.
"Are you sure?"
Amber finally looked up.
Mascara smudged beneath her eyes.
Cheeks flushed.
Completely exposed.
Completely serious.
"I need you."
Alysa stopped thinking about cameras.
"Okay."
She wiped beneath Amber's eye with her thumb.
If anyone had been uncertain before, that probably wasn't helping.
Amber leaned into the touch.
Definitely not helping.
Damon appeared beside them.
"We need to get to the kiss and cry."
Amber's fingers tightened in Alysa's jacket.
Alysa looked at her.
"You good?"
"No."
Honest.
Immediate.
Damon heard it.
His expression changed.
"Okay."
Amber looked toward the corridor leading to the kiss and cry.
Then back at Alysa.
"Come with me."
Alysa blinked.
"What?"
"Come."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I'm not your coach."
"I know."
"They're not gonna let me."
Amber looked at Damon.
"Can she come?"
He hesitated.
It was a ridiculous request.
The kiss and cry wasn't a casual seating area.
There were procedures.
Accreditation.
Assigned people.
Broadcast expectations.
Amber knew that.
Usually Amber cared about that.
Right now she looked about five seconds away from either crying harder or refusing to move.
Damon glanced at Alysa.
Then Amber.
"Let's walk."
Not yes.
Not no.
Enough.
Amber immediately took Alysa's hand.
Alysa looked down.
Their fingers were linked.
Fully.
Not the subtle pinkie thing.
Not hidden behind a jacket.
Holding hands.
Amber started walking.
Alysa followed.
"What are you doing?" Alysa whispered.
"Walking."
"You know what I mean."
"Yep."
"Amber."
Amber looked at her.
Her eyes were still wet.
"I can't do secret right now."
Alysa's heart stopped.
Amber squeezed her hand.
"I can't."
And there was nothing Alysa could say to that except:
"Okay."
People noticed.
Obviously.
Amber Glenn had just skated, walked directly into Alysa Liu's arms, stayed there for long enough to make the broadcast, and was now walking through the arena holding her hand like letting go wasn't an option.
Subtlety had died.
Amber didn't seem to notice.
Or she did and had simply run out of fucks to give.
Probably the latter.
At the entrance to the kiss and cry, an official stopped them.
"Only designated team members."
Amber stopped too.
Her hand tightened.
Alysa felt the panic return before she saw it.
"It's okay," Alysa whispered.
No.
Wrong thing.
Amber shook her head.
"No."
The official looked confused.
Damon stepped forward.
"She's with us."
"She isn't listed."
"I understand."
"Only accredited—"
"She's accredited."
"Not as coaching staff."
Amber's breathing sped up.
Alysa turned toward her.
"Hey."
Amber stared at her.
The hallway began disappearing around the edges.
Alysa knew that look.
"Amber."
"I can't."
"You can."
"Don't make me go without you."
Alysa's heart cracked.
"I'm not."
Damon heard.
He looked at the official.
"She needs her."
Simple.
No embarrassment.
No apology.
The official hesitated.
Tammy had caught up now.
She took in the situation in approximately one second.
"She's coming."
There was something about the tone of a coach who had spent decades dealing with competition officials that ended discussions.
The official looked toward the kiss and cry.
Then at Amber.
Then Alysa.
"She needs to stay out of the primary camera position."
"Fine," Damon said.
Amber exhaled.
Alysa squeezed her hand.
"See?"
Amber looked at her.
"You're coming?"
"Apparently I'm breaking rules for you now."
A watery smile.
"Hot."
"Jesus Christ."
Damon looked back.
"Can we keep moving?"
"Sorry."
Amber wasn't sorry.
The kiss and cry had never felt smaller.
Amber sat.
Alysa sat beside her.
Damon on the other side.
There was definitely not supposed to be an Alysa there.
Amber knew.
The cameras knew.
The internet almost certainly knew by now.
She couldn't care.
Her knee bounced uncontrollably.
Alysa put a hand on it.
It stopped.
That was probably incriminating too.
Whatever.
Amber stared at the monitor.
The score wasn't up yet.
Worst part.
Always.
She could hear the crowd.
Commentators somewhere.
Her own breathing.
Alysa leaned closer.
"Hey."
Amber looked at her.
"You skated."
Amber nodded.
"It's over."
Another nod.
"Nothing you can do now."
"I know."
"You're here."
Amber's eyes burned again.
"You're here."
Alysa smiled.
"Yeah."
Amber looked down.
Their hands were still linked.
She hadn't realised.
Or maybe she'd realised and simply no longer remembered a version of reality where she was supposed to let go.
The replay started.
Amber immediately looked away.
"Nope."
Alysa laughed.
"Not watching?"
"No."
"You landed it."
"I know."
"It was good."
"I don't care."
"Wow."
Amber leaned into her.
Not much.
Shoulder against shoulder.
Enough.
Damon looked at them.
Amber braced for something.
He only smiled.
Tiny.
Knowing.
Then looked back at the screen.
Her throat tightened.
"He's gonna kill me later."
Alysa whispered, "For what?"
Amber glanced at their hands.
Alysa followed her gaze.
"Oh."
A pause.
"Maybe."
"Thanks."
"I'll protect you."
"You're five-four."
"Violence doesn't discriminate."
Amber snorted.
The camera was absolutely capturing this.
Somewhere, thousands of people were probably losing their minds.
Fine.
Let them.
The score appeared.
Amber stopped breathing.
Then—
Oh.
Her hand crushed Alysa's.
"Oh my God."
Alysa looked at the number.
Then screamed.
Actually screamed.
Amber laughed, half crying again as Alysa threw both arms around her.
Damon was laughing.
Tammy was clapping somewhere behind them.
The crowd roared.
Amber clung to Alysa.
For one second it was celebration.
Then the adrenaline cracked.
Alysa felt the change.
Amber's face disappeared into her shoulder.
Her breathing hitched.
"Hey."
Alysa's voice changed immediately.
"Too much?"
Amber nodded.
"Okay."
She didn't care about the banned word anymore.
Alysa put a hand against the back of her neck.
"Stay here."
Amber did.
The score.
The cameras.
The arena.
None of it mattered.
Alysa's fingers moved slowly against her skin.
"You don't have to look."
Amber nodded.
"Just breathe."
She did.
Or tried.
Damon stood.
He positioned himself slightly between them and the nearest camera.
Subtle.
Protective.
Amber noticed.
She would thank him later.
Probably.
Right now her entire world was Alysa's shoulder.
They were supposed to leave.
Amber knew this because Damon eventually touched her arm.
"Amber."
She lifted her head.
"We need to clear the area."
"Right."
Her voice sounded distant.
She stood.
Alysa stood too.
Amber immediately reached for her again.
No thought.
Hand.
Alysa.
There.
They walked.
Behind the curtain.
Away from the primary broadcast cameras.
Amber stopped.
Alysa nearly walked into her.
"What?"
Amber turned.
"Are you mad?"
Alysa blinked.
"What?"
"At me."
"For?"
Amber gestured vaguely behind them.
"That."
"The score?"
"No."
"The skating?"
"Alysa."
"Oh."
Alysa stared at her.
Amber suddenly looked terrified.
Not competition terrified.
Different.
"I know we said we weren't going to—"
"Hey."
"I didn't ask you."
"Amber."
"I just grabbed you and then I made you come with me and everyone saw and—"
"Amber."
Alysa caught both her hands.
Amber stopped.
"I'm not mad."
"But we agreed."
"I know."
"I basically outed us on live television."
Alysa's mouth twitched.
"Basically?"
"This isn't funny."
"It's a little funny."
"Alysa."
"Sorry."
Amber looked sick.
Alysa softened.
"Hey."
She stepped closer.
"Do you regret it?"
Amber's answer was immediate.
"No."
That surprised both of them.
Amber blinked.
Then repeated, quieter:
"No."
Alysa searched her face.
"I don't."
Her shoulders dropped.
"I'm scared about it."
"Yeah."
"And I know it's gonna be a thing."
"Probably."
"And people are gonna talk."
"Definitely."
"And I'm gonna hate that."
"Yeah."
Amber squeezed her hands.
"But I don't regret needing you."
Alysa's face crumpled slightly.
Fuck.
Amber knew that face.
"Don't cry."
"I'm not."
"You're literally crying."
"Shut up."
Alysa wiped her cheek angrily.
Amber laughed.
It felt good.
Alysa looked at her.
"I don't regret being there."
Amber swallowed.
"Really?"
"Really."
"I should've asked."
"Maybe."
Amber winced.
"But."
Alysa stepped closer.
"I would've said yes."
Amber's eyes closed.
Their foreheads touched.
No cameras here.
Probably.
Maybe.
Neither checked.
"I love you," Amber whispered.
"I love you too."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop."
"I know."
"You're banned."
Amber smiled.
Alysa kissed her forehead.
Then her cheek.
Then, after a pause—
Amber tilted her face.
Their eyes met.
"Are we already fucked?" Alysa asked.
Amber laughed.
"Probably."
"Cool."
And kissed her.
Brief.
Soft.
Nothing dramatic.
Still more public than they'd ever allowed themselves to be.
When they separated, Amber looked lighter.
Not calm.
Not magically fixed.
Just lighter.
"Well," Alysa said.
"What?"
"Secret's definitely dead now."
Amber groaned and dropped her forehead onto Alysa's shoulder.
"Fuck."
"You did this."
"I was mentally ill."
"Great legal defense."
"Shut up."
Alysa wrapped her arms around her.
Amber hugged back.
"Can we stay like this for a minute?"
"Yeah."
"Then can you come with me?"
"Where?"
"Everywhere."
Alysa laughed.
"That's logistically difficult."
"I'm serious."
"I know."
Amber pulled back.
"I don't want you to leave yet."
Alysa looked at her.
The adrenaline was fading.
Amber could feel it.
The exhaustion underneath was enormous.
She suddenly didn't care about scores.
Or interviews.
Or what came next.
She wanted somewhere quiet.
And Alysa.
"Then I won't."
"What if you have things?"
"I don't."
"What if—"
"Don't start."
Amber smiled weakly.
"Right."
Alysa linked their fingers again.
This time she did it first.
Amber stared down.
Something warm opened inside her chest.
"You know people can see us."
"Yeah."
"And?"
Alysa shrugged.
"You needed me."
Like that answered everything.
Maybe it did.
The internet, predictably, exploded.
Amber found this out approximately twenty-seven minutes later when Jason texted her.
jason: so
Amber stared.
Alysa was sitting beside her on the floor of a quiet back room they'd commandeered.
Their shoulders touched.
Amber showed her.
Alysa immediately started laughing.
Another message.
jason: anything you two want to share with the class
Then:
jason: actually never mind twitter has informed me
"Oh my God."
Amber covered her face.
Alysa took the phone.
"No. Give it back."
Alysa held it away.
"You don't need to look."
"I'm not looking at Twitter."
"Good."
"I want to answer Jason."
"I'll answer."
"Absolutely not."
Too late.
Alysa typed.
amber: no <3
Amber grabbed the phone.
"You bitch."
Jason replied immediately.
jason: convincing
Then Isabeau.
isabeau: OH MY GOD
isabeau: AMBER
isabeau: YOU HELD HANDS INTO THE KISS AND CRY
isabeau: ON CAMERA
Amber groaned.
Alysa was shaking with laughter.
"This is your fault."
"My fault?"
"You came."
"You asked me!"
"You could've said no."
Alysa stopped laughing.
Amber realised what she'd said.
"No."
Alysa's voice was suddenly serious.
"I couldn't."
Amber looked at her.
Alysa shrugged.
"Not when you looked at me like that."
Something about the honesty of it stripped away the humour.
Amber put her phone face down.
"Alysa."
"What?"
"Thank you."
Alysa leaned into her.
"You don't have to thank me."
"I do."
"No."
"You literally broke kiss and cry protocol."
"Put it on my résumé."
Amber smiled.
Then her face crumpled unexpectedly.
Alysa caught it.
"Hey."
"I'm okay."
"Sure."
"I am."
"Okay."
Amber laughed wetly.
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
Amber moved closer.
Alysa opened her arms.
Again.
Always.
Amber climbed halfway into her lap without caring how ridiculous it was.
Alysa adjusted.
"Better?"
"Yeah."
"Want your phone?"
"No."
"Smart."
"Can you keep it?"
"Yep."
Amber closed her eyes.
The anxiety hadn't disappeared.
It had changed subjects.
That was the annoying thing.
Before skating:
What if you fail?
Now:
What if everyone knows?
What if they hate it?
What if they make it weird?
What if this changes everything?
Her brain always found another cliff.
"Alysa."
"Mm?"
"I'm scared."
"I know."
"What if this gets really bad?"
"Then we deal with it."
"What if people are awful?"
"We don't read it."
"What if they ask us about it?"
"We decide what we want to say."
"What if—"
Alysa put a hand over her mouth.
Amber glared.
"Five-minute rule."
Amber pulled her hand away.
"Wrong fic."
"What?"
"Nothing."
Alysa looked suspicious.
Amber kissed her palm.
Alysa's expression softened.
"Right now," Alysa said, "you skated."
Amber nodded.
"You did really fucking well."
Another nod.
"You're safe."
Amber breathed.
"I'm here."
Her eyes closed.
There.
That one.
Always that one.
Alysa kissed her temple.
"You don't have to figure out being publicly gay in the next ten minutes."
Amber opened one eye.
"That's a sentence."
"It's true."
"Publicly gay."
"Congratulations."
"Do I get a certificate?"
"I'll make one."
Amber laughed.
"With glitter?"
"Obviously."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
They sat quietly.
Eventually Amber's phone buzzed again.
Neither moved.
Again.
Still nothing.
Third time.
Amber sighed.
"Probably my mom."
"Want me to check?"
"Yeah."
Alysa picked it up.
Her eyebrows lifted.
"What?"
"Your coach."
"Which one?"
Alysa showed her.
Damon: whenever you're ready, we need to talk about media. no rush. you're not in trouble.
Amber's stomach tightened.
Alysa felt her body tense.
"Hey."
"I know."
"Read the last part."
"I'm not in trouble."
"Again."
"I'm not in trouble."
"Good."
Amber breathed.
"Will you come?"
"To talk to Damon?"
"Yeah."
"Of course."
"And media?"
Alysa hesitated.
"If they'll let me."
Amber's hand tightened in her shirt.
"If they don't?"
"I'll be right outside."
Amber looked unhappy.
Alysa touched her cheek.
"You can do five minutes without me."
"I know."
"But?"
"I don't want to."
Alysa smiled.
"That's different."
Amber thought about that.
It was.
Needing support didn't mean she was incapable without it.
Wanting Alysa beside her didn't mean she would collapse if Alysa walked away.
Though right now it felt close.
"I want you there."
"Then we'll ask."
"And if they say no?"
"I'll wait."
"Where I can see you?"
"If possible."
Amber nodded.
One thing.
Stand up.
Talk to Damon.
Then the next.
She could do that.
Probably.
Alysa started shifting.
Amber tightened her arms.
"No."
Alysa laughed.
"You literally just agreed to stand."
"In a minute."
"Oh my God."
"One thing at a time."
"You're weaponising my advice."
"Yes."
Alysa settled back.
"Fine."
Amber smiled against her neck.
"One more minute."
"One."
"Five."
"Two."
"Four."
"Three."
"Deal."
Damon was not mad.
This seemed suspicious to Amber.
He sat across from them in another small arena room, looking significantly less concerned about the possible public revelation of Amber's relationship than Amber thought the situation warranted.
Tammy was there too.
Alysa sat beside Amber.
Their knees touched.
Amber had initially tried to create space.
Thirty seconds into the conversation, she'd stopped bothering.
"So," Damon said.
Amber grimaced.
"So."
"That was quite an exit."
Alysa coughed suspiciously.
Amber glared at her.
"Sorry."
Damon's mouth twitched.
"How are you feeling?"
Amber expected:
What were you thinking?
Not that.
She looked down.
"Tired."
"Anxiety?"
"Better."
"Better or moved onto something else?"
Amber looked up sharply.
Alysa whispered, "Damn."
Damon ignored her.
"Something else."
"The attention?"
Amber nodded.
"Okay."
There was that word again.
Somehow it didn't annoy her from him.
"First, you aren't in trouble."
Amber nodded.
"Second, nobody here is concerned that Alysa sat with us."
Alysa raised a hand.
"Technically an official was."
Tammy smiled.
"They'll survive."
Amber laughed.
Damon continued.
"Third, yes, people noticed."
Amber covered her face.
"Can I die?"
"No," three people said simultaneously.
She peeked through her fingers.
Alysa looked smug.
"See? Democracy."
"Fuck you."
Tammy laughed.
Damon waited until Amber lowered her hands.
"We don't need to make any decisions about what you say publicly right now."
"Really?"
"Really."
"What if they ask?"
"They probably will."
Amber's stomach twisted.
"You can decline to answer."
"Oh."
"You don't owe anyone information about your private life because they saw you hold someone's hand."
Amber glanced at Alysa.
"Or hug her for like five minutes."
"Amber," Alysa muttered.
"Or bring her into the kiss and cry."
Damon's mouth twitched again.
"Or any of that."
Amber exhaled.
"But..."
She hesitated.
Everyone waited.
"What if I don't want to lie?"
Alysa looked at her.
Amber kept her eyes on Damon.
"I don't want to announce anything."
"You don't have to."
"But I don't want to pretend she's just my friend if somebody asks."
Silence.
Alysa's knee pressed harder against hers.
Damon nodded.
"Then don't."
Amber blinked.
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"It feels like it should be harder."
"Most things do when you're anxious."
Rude.
Accurate.
Amber looked at Alysa.
"What do you want?"
Alysa looked surprised.
"What?"
"If they ask."
"Oh."
Amber's stomach twisted.
She hadn't asked earlier.
She should have.
Now, finally, she did.
"Do you want me to deny it?"
Alysa's expression softened.
"No."
Relief.
Huge.
Immediate.
"Do you want me to confirm it?"
Alysa thought.
"Only if you want to."
"That's not an answer."
"It is."
"Alysa."
"Okay."
She took a breath.
"I don't want to hide you."
Amber went still.
Alysa continued.
"But I also don't care if we don't make some big announcement. I don't need that."
She nudged Amber's knee.
"I just don't want you panicking because you think you ruined something for me."
Amber's eyes burned.
"I thought you liked it being ours."
"I do."
"Then—"
"It still is."
Amber stared.
"People knowing I'm your girlfriend doesn't mean they get this part."
Alysa gestured between them.
"This is still ours."
Oh.
Amber looked down quickly.
"Fuck."
"What?"
"I'm gonna cry again."
Alysa smiled.
"Shocker."
"You're mean."
"Yeah."
Amber reached beneath the table.
Found Alysa's hand.
Linked their fingers.
Damon definitely noticed.
Nobody commented.
Media was exactly as awkward as expected.
For the first several questions, nobody mentioned it.
Program.
Score.
Axel.
How she'd felt.
Amber answered.
She was still buzzing strangely, anxiety and adrenaline fighting for dominance.
Alysa stood beyond the cameras.
Exactly where she'd promised.
Amber looked at her between questions.
Two fingers.
Here.
Then someone asked.
Of course.
"Amber, there was a lot of attention online after Alysa joined you in the kiss and cry. Can you talk about what her support meant to you today?"
Carefully worded.
Not directly asking.
Still asking.
Amber froze.
The prepared answer was obvious.
Alysa is one of my best friends and I'm so grateful for her support.
True.
Technically.
Safe.
Amber looked past the reporter.
Alysa.
She wasn't signalling anything.
No nod.
No shake.
Just there.
Amber thought about the hallway.
I can't do secret right now.
She thought about coming off the ice.
Not seeing coaches.
Not seeing cameras.
Just Alysa.
She thought about months of careful.
And she realised something.
She wasn't ashamed.
She'd never been ashamed of Alysa.
She'd been afraid of losing control over something precious.
Different thing.
Maybe she could keep parts private without pretending the whole thing didn't exist.
Amber looked back at the reporter.
"She means everything to me."
Somebody shifted.
Amber's heart hammered.
She kept going.
"I was having a really difficult time with anxiety before I skated today, and she was there for me."
Another breath.
"And when I got off the ice, I just..."
She laughed nervously.
"I really needed my girlfriend."
There.
Silence.
Tiny.
Maybe half a second.
Felt like an hour.
Then several people reacted at once.
Amber's face went hot.
"Oh my God."
There was laughter.
Kind laughter.
Someone said congratulations.
Amber covered her face briefly.
"I can't believe I just said that."
More laughter.
Beyond them, Alysa had both hands over her mouth.
Her eyes were huge.
Amber pointed.
"She's making fun of me already."
Alysa shook her head violently.
The room laughed again.
The tension broke.
Another reporter asked, "So you're comfortable confirming that you and Alysa are together?"
Amber looked at her.
Alysa lowered her hands.
Their eyes met.
Amber smiled.
Actually smiled.
"Yeah."
A pause.
"We're together."
It felt strange.
Terrifying.
And then—
Nothing happened.
The ceiling didn't collapse.
The ice didn't crack.
Nobody took Alysa away.
Amber was still sitting there.
Alysa was still across the room.
Her girlfriend.
Publicly, apparently.
Holy shit.
Amber laughed.
"That's so weird to say out loud."
Someone asked how long.
Amber immediately shook her head.
"Nope."
Laughter.
"That's ours."
And there.
A boundary.
Easy.
She could do that.
Some things shared.
Some things kept.
Alysa smiled at her.
Amber knew that smile.
Proud of you.
Her chest warmed.
The next question was about skating.
Life continued.
The second the media session ended, Amber went straight to Alysa.
Again.
Apparently they were done pretending.
Alysa barely had time to say, "Girlfriend?" before Amber shoved her shoulder.
"Shut up."
"You just hard-launched us at a press conference."
"I panicked."
"That's your excuse for everything today."
"It was effective."
Alysa grinned.
Amber looked around.
People were definitely looking.
Not everyone.
But some.
She felt the anxiety spark.
Then Alysa's hand slipped into hers.
Not grabbing.
Offering.
Amber looked down.
Then up.
"You good?"
Amber considered.
"Yeah."
Alysa raised an eyebrow.
"Like actually."
Amber breathed.
"Overwhelmed."
"Okay."
"Nervous."
"Yeah."
"Kind of want to hide in a hotel room for three to five business days."
"Understandable."
"But..."
Amber looked at their hands.
"I'm good."
Alysa smiled.
"Okay."
Amber didn't complain.
They started walking.
Hand in hand.
The first thirty feet felt impossible.
Every person was looking.
Even when they weren't.
Amber's brain insisted they were.
She wanted to let go.
Then Alysa swung their hands slightly.
Just once.
Stupid.
Playful.
Normal.
Amber looked at her.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You're weird."
"You're obsessed with me."
"Unfortunately."
"Publicly now."
Amber groaned.
"Oh my God."
Alysa laughed.
"I'm deleting social media."
"Good."
"For a year."
"Even better."
"Jason is going to be unbearable."
"Definitely."
"Isabeau too."
"Yep."
"My mom."
"Probably."
Amber stopped.
Alysa stopped too.
"What?"
"I really did just do that."
"Yeah."
"Like everyone knows."
"Probably."
"Fuck."
Alysa squeezed her hand.
Amber breathed.
"Regret?"
She checked.
Actually checked.
The fear.
The exposure.
The uncertainty.
Then Alysa.
"No."
Alysa's smile was immediate.
"Me neither."
Amber leaned closer.
"Can I kiss you?"
Alysa's eyebrows lifted.
"Here?"
Amber glanced around.
Arena hallway.
People.
Maybe cameras.
Definitely phones.
Her heart accelerated.
But this time it wasn't all anxiety.
"Yeah."
Alysa studied her face.
Making sure.
Always making sure.
Then smiled.
"Yeah."
Amber kissed her.
Soft.
Quick.
Alysa's hand touched her waist.
Two seconds.
Maybe three.
They separated.
Amber's face was burning.
"Oh my God."
Alysa laughed.
"You started it!"
"I know!"
"Bro."
"Stop."
"You are bright red."
"I hate you."
"Your girlfriend."
Amber groaned.
Alysa kissed her cheek.
"Your very public girlfriend."
"You're gonna become insufferable."
"Become?"
Amber laughed.
And that was it.
No dramatic music.
No giant revelation.
Just Alysa's hand in hers and an arena hallway and the strange realisation that something she'd been terrified of had happened.
And she was okay.
More than okay.
Later, when the arena was quieter and the adrenaline had finally burned itself out, Amber found Alysa sitting alone in the stands.
She climbed the stairs.
Dropped into the seat beside her.
Immediately leaned over.
Alysa lifted an arm.
Amber tucked herself underneath it.
"Hi."
"Hi."
For a while they watched the empty ice.
Maintenance crew.
Lights.
Nothing interesting.
Amber liked it.
Her body felt like she'd been hit by a truck.
Her brain wasn't much better.
But the sharp edge was gone.
"Today was weird."
Alysa snorted.
"Understatement."
"I think I aged ten years."
"You already act forty."
"Fuck you."
Alysa kissed her hair.
Amber smiled.
Then went quiet.
"Thank you for coming."
"Always."
"No, like..."
Amber sat up slightly.
"When I called."
Alysa looked at her.
"I almost didn't."
"Call?"
Amber nodded.
"I almost just sat there."
Her fingers picked at the cuff of Alysa's sleeve.
"I thought if I needed you that badly before I even skated, then that meant I wasn't ready."
Alysa frowned.
"That's dumb."
"Thank you."
"You know what I mean."
"I do."
Amber looked back at the ice.
"I think sometimes I still feel like needing help means I'm failing at doing it myself."
Alysa was quiet.
Then:
"You did skate by yourself."
Amber looked at her.
"I wasn't out there."
"No."
"I didn't jump for you."
"Thank God."
"Rude."
Amber smiled.
Alysa continued.
"You did all of it."
She took Amber's hand.
"I just stood there."
"You didn't just stand there."
"Okay. I tied your skate."
Amber laughed.
"Very important."
"Elite contribution."
"But you know what I mean."
Alysa nodded.
"Yeah."
Amber looked at their hands.
"You made it possible for me to get to the part where I could do it."
Alysa squeezed.
"Maybe."
"No maybe."
Amber leaned into her again.
"And when I finished..."
Her throat tightened.
"I don't even remember deciding to go to you."
"You looked insane."
"Thanks."
"No, like you stepped off the ice and just locked on."
Amber smiled.
"Apparently my brain had one thought left."
"Me."
"Unfortunately."
Alysa kissed her forehead.
Amber closed her eyes.
"I really didn't care."
"About the cameras?"
"Anything."
A pause.
"I just needed you."
Alysa's arm tightened.
Amber breathed.
"I think that scared me afterwards."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to need you in a bad way."
Alysa was quiet.
Amber forced herself to continue.
"I don't want you to feel responsible for whether I can skate or whether I'm okay."
"I don't."
Amber looked up.
"Really?"
"Really."
Alysa shifted to face her.
"You needed me today."
"Yeah."
"Maybe I'll need you tomorrow."
Amber smiled faintly.
"You usually do."
"Fuck off."
Amber laughed.
Alysa continued.
"That's not the same as being responsible for each other."
Amber considered that.
Alysa touched her fingers.
"You've got coaches. You've got your therapist. You've got your family. You've got friends."
"And you."
"And me."
Alysa smiled.
"I'm one person on the team."
Amber's chest softened.
"Favourite person."
"Obviously."
"Don't get cocky."
"Too late."
Amber rested her head on Alysa's shoulder.
The arena lights reflected off the ice.
"Do you think people are being weird?"
"Definitely."
"Great."
"I haven't looked."
"Good."
"Jason sent me seventeen messages."
"Seventeen?"
"Most are memes."
"Of course."
"One is just a screenshot of us holding hands with approximately forty question marks."
Amber laughed.
"Asshole."
"Isabeau sent hearts."
"That's better."
"Your fans appear to be having a collective medical event."
Amber groaned.
"No."
"I didn't read anything."
"Good."
"I just saw trending topics."
"No."
"Do you want to know—"
"No."
"Okay."
Amber buried her face in Alysa's shoulder.
"I don't want the internet in here."
Alysa understood what here meant.
Not the arena.
Them.
"Then it doesn't get to come in."
"Promise?"
"Yeah."
Alysa kissed her temple.
"They can know we're together."
Amber closed her eyes.
"They don't get to have us."
Exactly.
Amber breathed.
"That's good."
"I have occasional thoughts."
"Rare."
"Fuck you."
"Love you."
Alysa smiled against her hair.
"Love you too."
They left through a side exit.
It was late.
Cold.
Amber pulled her jacket tighter.
Alysa walked beside her.
There were a few people outside the barricades.
Fans.
Phones.
Amber noticed immediately.
Her body tensed.
Alysa noticed immediately too.
"Want space?"
That surprised her.
"What?"
"Do you want me to walk separately?"
Amber looked at the people.
Then Alysa.
This was what she'd wanted before.
Control.
Choice.
Not hiding because she was afraid.
Choosing what belonged to them.
Amber reached for Alysa's hand.
"No."
Alysa smiled.
"Okay."
They walked.
Somebody called Amber's name.
Another person called Alysa's.
A phone camera followed them.
Amber's heart beat faster.
She kept walking.
Alysa's thumb moved over her knuckles.
Here.
Still here.
At the car, Amber stopped.
Looked at her.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You're staring."
"I know."
"Why?"
Amber shrugged.
"You're pretty."
Alysa rolled her eyes.
"Competition adrenaline has made you delirious."
"Probably."
Amber opened the door.
Then stopped again.
"Alysa?"
"Yeah?"
"Stay with me tonight?"
Alysa's expression softened.
"Yeah."
"No sneaking out at six."
A grin.
"Oh?"
"No separate elevators."
"Scandalous."
"No pretending you accidentally ended up in my room."
"That excuse worked."
"It worked zero times."
"Jason believed it."
"Jason asked if we'd remembered to put a sock on the door."
Alysa burst out laughing.
Amber covered her face.
"I hate him."
"You love him."
"Unfortunately."
Alysa climbed into the car beside her.
Amber immediately rested her head on her shoulder.
"Sleepy?"
"Dead."
"You still need to eat."
"Don't ruin this."
"Food, shower, bed."
"Bossy."
"Yep."
Amber smiled.
The car started moving.
Her phone remained buried inside her bag.
Whatever was happening online could happen without her.
Tomorrow there would be conversations.
Questions.
Probably articles.
People analysing moments that had felt enormous and private even while happening in front of cameras.
She would deal with that.
Tomorrow.
Tonight, Alysa was tracing circles over the back of her hand.
Amber watched city lights pass the window.
"You know what's funny?"
"What?"
"I was so scared before I skated that everyone was going to watch me fail."
Alysa hummed.
"And then?"
Amber looked at their joined hands.
"I ended up giving them something way more interesting to watch."
Alysa laughed.
"You're welcome, figure skating Twitter."
"Oh my God."
Amber shoved her weakly.
Alysa caught her hand and kissed her knuckles.
Amber went quiet.
That would've terrified her yesterday.
The possibility of someone seeing.
Someone photographing it.
Someone knowing.
Now she only felt tired.
And loved.
And maybe still a little terrified.
But those things could coexist.
Apparently.
At the hotel, they didn't sneak.
That was the strangest part.
They walked through the lobby together.
Same elevator.
Same floor.
Same room.
Nobody died.
Amber kicked off her shoes.
Immediately collapsed face-first onto the bed.
Alysa stood over her.
"No."
Amber's voice was muffled.
"Leave me."
"Food."
"Never heard of it."
"You promised."
"I did not."
"You implied."
"Not legally binding."
Alysa slapped her ass with a pillow.
Amber yelped.
"Abuse!"
"Sit up."
"No."
"Amber."
She rolled over.
Alysa was smiling.
Amber reached for her.
"Come here."
"Food."
"One minute."
Alysa narrowed her eyes.
"Actually one?"
"Probably not."
"Honesty. Nice."
Amber held both arms out.
Alysa sighed dramatically.
Then climbed onto the bed.
Amber immediately wrapped herself around her.
Face in Alysa's neck.
Leg thrown over hers.
Alysa laughed.
"Jesus."
"Shh."
"You're clingy."
"Hadn't noticed."
"Very subtle."
"Shut up."
Alysa's hand found her hair.
Amber melted.
There.
That.
Exactly.
No cameras.
No officials.
No scores.
No audience.
Just this.
Alysa scratching gently at her scalp.
Amber breathing.
The hotel heater humming.
"Better?"
"Mm."
"Words."
"Yes."
"Good."
Amber opened her eyes.
Alysa was looking at her.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Your face is doing the thing."
"What thing?"
"The love thing."
Alysa rolled her eyes.
"Sorry."
"It's embarrassing."
"For you."
"For both of us."
Alysa smiled.
Amber touched her cheek.
"Today would've been so much worse without you."
Alysa turned her head and kissed Amber's palm.
"Maybe."
"No."
"Amber."
"I'm serious."
"I know."
Amber swallowed.
"Thank you for not making me feel stupid."
Alysa frowned.
"For being anxious?"
"For all of it."
Her voice got quieter.
"For tying my skate."
Alysa smiled.
"For standing where I could see you."
Another breath.
"For letting me basically tackle you after."
"You did kind of tackle me."
"Sorry."
"Didn't say I minded."
Amber smiled.
"For coming to the kiss and cry."
"Against the law."
"Basically."
"International fugitive now."
Amber laughed.
Then softened.
"And for not freaking out when I..."
"Hard-launched us?"
"Oh my God."
"Sorry."
"No you're not."
"No."
Amber traced Alysa's eyebrow with one finger.
"I meant when I stopped caring."
Alysa understood.
"I know."
"I think I needed somebody else not to care too."
"About people knowing?"
"Yeah."
Alysa shrugged.
"I care about you more."
Amber's eyes burned.
"Fucking asshole."
"What?"
"Stop saying nice things."
"Never."
Amber buried her face against her.
Alysa held her.
After a while:
"You know you still have to eat."
Amber groaned.
"Moment ruined."
"Three bites."
"Five minutes."
"Three bites."
"You're impossible."
"And yet."
"And yet."
Amber lifted her head.
Kissed her.
Slowly.
Not for cameras.
Not because they could now.
Because she wanted to.
Alysa kissed her back.
When they separated, Amber stayed close.
"Girlfriend."
Alysa smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Nothing."
"You just wanted to say it."
"Maybe."
"Loser."
"Your loser."
Alysa's expression went soft.
"Yeah."
She kissed Amber's forehead.
"Mine."
Amber woke sometime after three.
For one horrible second she didn't know where she was.
Dark room.
Unfamiliar ceiling.
Heart racing.
Then—
Warmth.
Alysa.
Sleeping beside her.
One hand tucked beneath her cheek.
Amber breathed.
Competition.
Right.
She'd skated.
Score.
Kiss and cry.
Oh.
Oh.
The internet.
Her relationship.
Girlfriend.
Public.
Her heart accelerated.
Alysa shifted.
"Mm?"
Amber stayed still.
"Go back to sleep."
Alysa's eyes opened halfway.
"You good?"
"Yeah."
Alysa stared.
Even half asleep, apparently immune to Amber's bullshit.
Amber sighed.
"Brain."
"What brain doing?"
"Regretting every decision I've ever made."
"Bad brain."
"Yeah."
Alysa lifted the blanket.
"Come."
Amber moved immediately.
No pride at three in the morning.
She tucked herself against Alysa.
Alysa's arm closed around her.
"Do you regret today?"
Amber thought.
"No."
"Then tell brain shut up."
"Revolutionary."
"I'm asleep."
Amber smiled.
"Sorry."
"Banned."
"Right."
Silence.
Amber listened to Alysa breathe.
"I don't regret it."
"Mm."
"I'm scared."
"Can be both."
Amber's eyes closed.
Right.
Scared and sure.
Anxious and happy.
Private and known.
Needing someone and still capable.
Things could be two things.
Maybe that was what she kept forgetting.
"Alysa?"
No answer.
Amber smiled.
Asleep.
She whispered anyway.
"Thanks for staying."
Alysa's arm tightened automatically.
Maybe asleep.
Maybe not.
Didn't matter.
Amber settled.
The next morning was predictably terrible.
Not emotionally.
Technologically.
Amber woke to 146 messages.
"Absolutely not."
Alysa, face buried in a pillow, groaned.
"What?"
"My phone."
"Throw it away."
"Good idea."
She put it face down.
It buzzed.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Alysa reached blindly across the bed and shoved it off the mattress.
"Hey."
"Problem solved."
Amber laughed.
Then Alysa's phone started.
They stared at each other.
"No."
"No."
Alysa turned hers off.
Amber followed.
Silence.
Beautiful.
Alysa rolled onto her back.
"So."
Amber narrowed her eyes.
"Don't."
"We're famous."
"We were already famous."
"We're gay famous now."
Amber threw a pillow at her.
Alysa caught it.
"Stop."
"Power couple."
"Alysa."
"Figure skating's newest—"
Amber tackled her.
Alysa shrieked.
They wrestled with the blanket until Amber ended up half on top of her.
Both laughing.
Eventually they stopped.
Amber rested her chin on Alysa's chest.
Alysa brushed hair from her face.
"How's anxiety?"
Amber checked.
"Three."
"That's pretty good."
"Yeah."
"About skating?"
"One."
"About us?"
Amber considered.
"Four."
Alysa nodded.
"Manageable?"
"With you."
Alysa raised an eyebrow.
Amber corrected herself.
"Yes. And you're helping."
"Better."
Amber smiled.
"I learn."
"Slowly."
"Fuck you."
"Later."
Amber laughed.
Then looked at her.
Really looked.
The person she'd been terrified to lose to public scrutiny.
Still here.
Exactly the same.
Maybe messier.
Definitely sleepier.
But here.
"Can we keep some things secret?"
Alysa's expression softened.
"Of course."
"Like this."
Amber gestured vaguely around them.
"Definitely this. You look terrible."
"Asshole."
"Sorry."
"No you're not."
Alysa smiled.
"What do you want people to know?"
Amber thought.
"That we're together."
"Okay."
"That I'm happy."
"Okay."
"And that's kind of it."
"Works for me."
"What do we keep?"
Alysa looked at her.
"This."
Her fingers traced Amber's cheek.
"The stuff that's ours."
Amber smiled.
"Yeah."
"Also how much you snore."
"I don't snore."
"Private information."
"Alysa."
"I will protect your dignity."
"I hate you."
"Love you too."
Amber leaned down and kissed her.
Morning light came through the gap in the curtains.
There would be interviews later.
Practice.
Maybe questions.
Eventually another competition.
Another moment where Amber's chest tightened and her brain told her she couldn't do the thing she'd done a thousand times before.
Alysa wouldn't always be standing behind the boards.
Amber knew that.
She didn't need her to be.
But yesterday, she had.
And Alysa had come.
Yesterday she'd needed her girlfriend more than she'd needed secrecy.
The world had seen.
And somehow the most important thing hadn't changed at all.
Alysa was still beneath her, complaining that Amber's elbow was in her ribs.
"Move."
"No."
"You're crushing me."
"Thought you loved me."
"I do. From slightly farther left."
Amber shifted approximately one inch.
"Better?"
"No."
"Good."
Alysa rolled her eyes.
Amber smiled.
Then she let herself settle.
Yesterday, thousands of people had watched her skate.
They'd watched her land.
Watched her cry.
Watched her reach for Alysa like there had never been another option.
For months, Amber had thought being seen would make what they had feel less theirs.
She'd been wrong.
The world could see Alysa's hand in hers.
It could see her in the kiss and cry.
It could hear Amber call her girlfriend.
But it hadn't seen three in the morning.
It hadn't seen skate laces tied by steady hands.
It didn't know what here meant.
It didn't know the five-minute rule.
It didn't know how Alysa's breathing sounded when she was almost asleep, or how she always kissed Amber's palm when Amber touched her face, or how Amber could tell from a single hey whether Alysa was joking or worried.
Those things were theirs.
Amber didn't have to hide to keep them.
She understood that now.
Alysa's fingers threaded lazily through hers.
"You're thinking too loud."
Amber smiled.
"Sorry."
"Banned."
"Right."
"What are you thinking about?"
Amber looked at their hands.
Then at Alysa.
"Nothing."
"Liar."
"Fine."
She leaned down.
Kissed her once.
"I'm thinking I'm glad I stopped caring."
Alysa smiled.
"About everyone seeing?"
"Yeah."
Her thumb moved over Alysa's knuckles.
"Because I really fucking needed you."
Alysa squeezed her hand.
"And I was there."
Amber's chest warmed.
Simple.
No scores.
No cameras.
No explanation necessary.
"Yeah."
She settled against her again.
"You were."
And this time, being seen didn't feel anything like being exposed.
It just meant Amber had finally stopped letting go.