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Sometimes when Dan gets bored he thinks. He thinks about Phil and YouTube and their relationship because there’s some stuff that has happened that he never wants to forget and he figures that if he thinks about them often enough he won’t. So he thinks, and he remembers.
He thinks about when he first found Phil on YouTube, he was just smiling in the video icon and he couldn’t help but click. He spent the whole night and the rest of the next day watching all of Phil’s videos, and rewatching his favorite ones over and over. He spent so long just watching and commenting and tweeting Phil that he kind of forgot that he was a real person. He never expected a reply from him–though he got plenty from the other fans, they had become like some sort of family, all waiting for a reply from Phil and having running jokes about how one day if Dan actually got one how he’d never let them forget. He made so many friends that way and sometimes he wonders if they ever think about that, about how he used to be and how they were once all friends. He never expected a reply from Phil, so when he finally got one it was amazing. It was nothing big–just Phil saying that it was cool that Dan also liked Muse–but it meant the world to Dan.
He remembered screen capping it and favoriting it and all the @replies that he got from other fans because Phil had finally replied. There was a similar response every time he got a reply for a while, then it just became customary. When Phil did follow him he desperately wanted to freak out, but he was afraid of Phil seeing it and unfollowing him so he just kept cool. He remembered sitting and wanting to send Phil a direct message so badly but being afraid that he wouldn’t get a response or that Phil would think that he was annoying. Eventually he did send one though, he typed something out and hit enter before he could over think it, he regretted it right after and was panicking for a solid ten minutes before he saw that Phil had replied and then he panicked some more because Jesus Christ Phil had replied to him. They had talked a lot that night, and for the next week. Slowly they became friends and eventually Dan worked up the courage to add Phil on Facebook and Skype too.
Dan remembers the first time they Skyped–he hoped he’d never forget–he was so fucking scared and nervous and he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say or how to act or what to wear. He spent far too much time making sure that his shirt was alright and his hair looked okay and that he didn’t call Phil right at 8:00 like he promised–though he was ready and waiting ten minutes before. The first call didn’t last all that long, only about an hour or so, Dan had so much to say but he didn’t want it to all come spilling out and besides, Phil just said that this would be like a test to make sure that it worked. They had hung up and Dan had sighed in relief because he didn’t think that he had scared Phil away. He wanted to tweet him then, but they had just hung up and he didn’t want to seem desperate.
They had talked so much that summer–nearly every day–and it was honestly what got Dan through those months. Everything else sucked and he had just wanted to give up but he knew he couldn’t because of Phil. Then one day Dan mentioned that he was planning on going to Manchester University and Phil had said that then they would be able to hang out all the time, though it sucked because it would be so far away. Jokingly Dan had mentioned that he should come up to see Phil sometime before then and Phil had lit up with excitement at the thought that Dan couldn’t say no, he couldn’t not go up there to see him, so he looked into it. He thought of a good reason to tell his parents as to why he wanted to go to Manchester alone that didn’t involve meeting someone from the internet and spending his stay at his house. He talked to Phil and they decided that he should just spend two nights there, they both wanted longer but Dan was already lying to his parents and he wanted to be somewhat believable. They chose the middle of October and Dan remembers how excited he was.
Everyday when he would wake up the first thing he would do was text Phil telling him how many days were left, even though Phil already knew. For the final two weeks it was all that either of them could talk about, they were both so excited to finally meet that all they wanted to do was plan out every little thing that they would be doing, so that’s what they did. Dan remembers Skyping Phil one night and him getting a pen and paper and making a list of all the places that he wanted to take Dan. Dan wondered if he still had that list, he hoped to God that he did because it would be amazing to see all that Phil wanted to do with him and maybe one day they could do it. The final few days were the worst, every tweet, every text, just everything that they did in someway mentioned the fact that they were going to meet up. Dan remembers the night before and not being able to sleep but not wanting to talk to Phil because he was afraid that they wouldn’t have anything to say if they said it all then–not that that had ever happened before–so he just laid there far too excited to sleep thinking about what it would be like and trying his hardest not to think about what if Phil didn’t like him because he would just worry about that and be a moody mess when they finally met.
The train ride was utter hell, he had his bag and his camera and his laptop but he couldn’t stop checking to make sure he had everything. It was only about three and a half hours but it felt triple that and Dan spent the whole time texting Phil and worrying. Worrying about everything that he hadn’t let himself worry about before, about Phil not liking him when it was actually him and how he’d have to spend a whole three days with someone that doesn’t even like him all that much and then he’d start to panic so he’d try to pay attention to Phil and that was hard because Phil noticed that he wasn’t as engaged as he usually was so he mentioned his fear of Phil not liking Dan as much in real life and Phil told him that that was absurd, how could he not like him? And that had made Dan feel a little bit better because he could tell that Phil really meant it.
When they finally met it was the happiest Dan had ever been, he had pulled into the train station and felt like he was going to puke out of excitement and fear and nerves and a hundred other things that he couldn’t pick out and it was terrible and scary and he hated it. And then he saw Phil craning his neck trying to find him, and they made eye contact and Phil just had this smile on his face that made all of Dan’s fears seem stupid because it was Phil and he was wonderful and Dan’s best friend. They hugged and Dan couldn’t say anything because just touching Phil, actually touching him, had brought this wave of emotion and surrealism and he just stood there with his head buried in the crook of Phil’s neck–because back then he was still just a little bit shorter than him–and that’s another moment that he thought about way too often out of fear of ever forgetting it.
Those three days were the greatest of Dan’s life up until that point, because he was just with Phil and even though they weren’t dating yet and Dan wanted to kiss his so so badly it was still amazing and perfect and leaving was so much harder than it should have been and the trip home was so much faster than it really should be possible and having to act like he was fine and not like he had just left his best friend after meeting him for the first time ever when he got back home was so hard. He Skyped Phil that night and confessed this all to him and he agreed so they planned to meet up again as soon as they could. There was a Halloween gathering at the end of the month and while Dan’s parents didn’t know that he did YouTube at that point, he was still able to convince them to let him go. It was fun but that taught Dan that he would rather spend time with just Phil than a lot of people along with Phil.
After that they never went more than three weeks apart. In the middle of November he finally confessed to his parents that when he went up to Manchester it was just to see Phil, they fought about it a little bit but in the end they were fine with it because Dan was an adult and there was only so much they could do, so he booked more train tickets to go see Phil at the end of the month to stay a full week. That full week of being together finally gave Dan enough confidence to ask Phil about what exactly they were. Because they kissed occasionally and had done other stuff once or twice and Dan hadn’t known if Phil was his or not. Phil asked him what he wanted them to be and Dan said boyfriends and Phil said that that was okay and that they were. It was simple, nice, and it’s another thing that Dan tries his hardest to think about as much as possible so that he doesn’t ever forget it.
Dan spent so much time at Phil’s house that it just became weird if he didn’t go up there after more than a few weeks, and by May his parents regularly joked about it and asked why Phil never came down to his house. Dan always made up the excuse of Phil not having enough money, or how it was just easier for him to go there. Really it was just that Phil was his and he didn’t want to have his parents trying to pick apart their relationship. At that point Dan’s family knew that he sometimes liked boys along with girls–that conversation had been long and filled with more awkward pauses than he thought strictly possible–and he knew that his parents wouldn’t mind him dating Phil, he just didn’t want all the awkward questions and knowing glances that would come with that. When Phil did ask when he could come down there to meet Dan’s family he explained this to Phil and Phil just sat there and listened. Phil told him that he had the same fear about bringing Dan home and that’s why he did it when no one was around, and that it was kind of awkward at first but it was fine now and it was nice having his parents know. So Dan finally explained to his parents that him and Phil were dating and had been for a while now–and that somehow had nearly as many long pauses as him telling them that he sometimes liked boys–and in the middle of May Phil came down for the first time.
It was scary and nerve wracking and before he left to go get Phil from the station he explained to his parents all the things that they must not say and on the way home told Phil of all the things that they would probably say and all the things that he wasn’t allowed to mention either. Phil just laughed and told him to stop worrying and that it would be okay. And it was okay, he ended up blushing more times over the following few days than he had in a very long time but it was fine. That’s what their life became, for the next four months they went back and forth to each other’s houses and it was great. In September Phil moved into his own flat in Manchester and shortly thereafter Dan went to university so they saw each other much more.
Dan remembers when he first got to uni and got all set up and called Phil because he was more than a little bit scared and really didn’t want to talk to the strange people that he now lived with. Going over to Phil’s flat was strange because he didn’t live with anyone anymore so they could honestly just do anything they wanted. Over the year that Dan spent at university he’s almost positive that he spent more time at Phil’s flat than he did in his uni halls and really he thinks that both him and Phil were okay with that.
Then summer came and Dan didn’t have to live in the university halls anymore, and he and Phil had joked about living together but it was never anything serious and Dan didn’t actually think that it was ever going to happen. Until one day when they were sitting on the couch and Phil mentioned it, Dan could tell that he was going for nonchalant but he had never been all that good of an actor, either way Dan was elated at the idea of living with Phil and said yes right away. Dan remembers flat shopping and staying up late figuring just how far over their budget they could go before it really was out of the question. He remembers asking Phil if he started doing more side channel or even two main channel videos a week (even if the thought of any more effort and having to be in front of a camera and having to act anymore than he already was terrified him, especially because sometimes he just wanted to stop making videos altogether) if he thought they could get the flat that they wanted and Phil saying that that would be too hard on him and how maybe they could do a collab channel and Dan thinking that that was the best idea ever. And that’s how the Super Amazing Project came to be.
Dan remembers packing up his dorm room at the end of the year and moving into Phil’s place for a couple weeks until their new flat was ready. He remembers helping Phil pack all of his things and going back home to pack more things because he’d actually have the space for them now. He remembers moving in and it being amazing. He remembers all of this because it was with Phil and while he doesn’t remember every little thing about all that they have done he tries to remember as much as he can, because even if he was scared and afraid because oh my God what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life he had Phil and Phil let him ramble on and he actually listened and responded and was helpful and Dan really couldn’t ask for a better best friend or boyfriend than Phil and he loved him and he really hoped to God that when he said it that Phil knew that he really did mean it because he did, he loved Phil and that made this all okay. It really did.