Chapter Text
Darren's pov
2007.
The sickly feeling of when you realise you would have never been able to change anything. She wasnt suicidal, she wasn't a depressed selfish perosk as they all once thought, she was a victim who had a fate that could never have been changed, because the stronger one always wins. Happened with my mam, happened in foster care, now with my best friend, well once upon a time.
Growing up I always thought that I was a curse around the ones I loved, I never was able to protect my mam from anything, never fulfilled my role to joey, i left him instead. Joey was the one able to do what I couldn't, and I was older but just remained a failure. He will always hate me, he changed so much since he was my kid, the eyes once full of hope became filled with self destruction and despair, but he was saved again not by me though, never by me. His eyes shall always remain with the same hatred he had when I first came back, not that I could ever blame him, its the very least of what I deserved. My weakness destroyed everyone who I was supposed to protect.
I'd assume everything bad was punishment for not standing up and being the son Teddy and mam wanted, failing as the brother joey, Shannon, tadgh, Sean, and ollie needed. Failing as the safety net for caiohme when she needed it. Im not even apparent in AJ's life, not that I should be after everything I did. Lastly, failing as the boyfriend who is supposed to be capable of love and honesty to Alex. Not one thing I did was ever right.
Everyday I wished I never came out of that foster place, or even after that I wished I died in that fire. Along with mam so maybe I could have protected her away from teddy after everything. But I failed at that too.
Arguments had been getting worse with Alex, not that he did anything wrong he's perfect which is the issue, because I cant drag him down on this train wreck any further he deserves an out. Hence why I left last night with only my phone pen and paper. Everytime I remember what I did well mostly what I didnt do the faded burn marks (i guess I really am my fathers son) haunts me back like a conetant memory that I survived, constantly itching for me to end it.
My pen wrote at the same rate my mind thought, everything I ever needed to say to caiohme cuz that's the least she deserved every sorry and regret that I failed her. I put it neatly in her grave after.
Every sting from the burns reminded me to hurry up, so I went onto transferring Joey and Aiofe 8,000 euros the rest of my saving without a message, I couldnt abandon Joey again not tuat I think he would ever care. Then came the voice note to Edel and John because although ive been horrible im never gonna get another chance to thank them for saving his family, for doing what he couldn't and helping joey in all the ways I failed. I apologied profusely to Shannon talking about of the ways I wished i I'd changed, and every action I wished i did, becuase no matter what Shannon went through she was a light that never stopped shining, while also thanking Johnny and begging him to always be by her and do what I couldnt. Tadgh not any amount of words will ever make him view me as a brother let along family but I have to try to apologise. Apologise for abandoning him, making him step up and be another victim to my father and disregarding him when I cane back.
I didnt mean to act the way I did or make the did or make the decisions I did. I was just trying to help and redeem the 6 things I thought I could. Ollie and Sean didnt know me meaning they dont need me the disappointment and failure to tell thek how I fucked up their life i could be gone and be a faint or vague memory.
Alex my sweet Alex who deserved so much better. No words could describe what he did for me how much he meant. But i attempted to anyway. After the voice note to Edel, it couldn't have been a call cuz I dont need her pity to stop me from doing this, she doesnt need tbaf grief shes tried but I'll never be her kid. So j move on to a message to alex with everything ive always wanted to say, from first meeting, to memories, to the complete understanding of why I was distant and different, that i was so ultimately broken. He never judged nor screamed or loved me any less. Thats why im doing this is cuz he should hes better than me in every way.
After that dreadful tearful goodbye, I went to thr fridge in my motel and got the sleeping tablets and vodka already prepared. I was never much of a drinker nor did I take medication. But turns out I was nothing at all.
The pill went down.
Then the 2nd.
Then the 3rd.
I remembered all up to the 12th one when my mind swayed.
I gagged at the vodka but hope relishing though my veins and dread finally was coming to an end as the lights went out.