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The Hashira meeting had been going on for nearly an hour.
Sanemi hadn't said much.
That should have been the first warning.
Usually, silence wasn't something anyone associated with him. Sanemi was sharp edges and impatient words, a glare that could make even confident swordsmen reconsider whatever they were about to say. If someone irritated him, they knew it.
Today, though, he sat almost perfectly still.
His arms were crossed.
His jaw was clenched.
His eyes were fixed somewhere near the center of the room.
And he hadn't spoken in twenty-three minutes.
Obanai had noticed.
Of course he had.
He noticed everything about the people around him, especially the things they tried to hide.
Sanemi's right hand had been trembling beneath his sleeve for most of the meeting.
Not enough for anyone else to notice.
Enough for Obanai.
His fingers would curl tightly.
Relax.
Curl again.
Relax.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Sanemi was doing everything he could to keep himself contained.
The meeting itself wasn't particularly unusual.
Reports.
Missions.
Demon activity.
Casual disagreements.
The occasional criticism.
Nothing that should have mattered.
Nothing that should have gotten under his skin.
But somehow every little comment seemed to pile on top of the last.
A correction.
A disagreement.
Someone questioning his judgment.
Someone pointing out a mistake he'd made weeks ago.
Someone saying that he needed to work better with the others.
None of it was cruel.
Not really.
But Sanemi's mind didn't seem to care.
He heard every word differently.
You messed up.
You weren't careful enough.
You're too difficult.
You're too angry.
You're making things harder for everyone.
He stared at the floor.
His nails dug into his palm.
Don't react.
Don't react.
Don't react.
He couldn't let them see.
He couldn't.
If he snapped, everyone would think he was proving them right.
If he defended himself, he'd sound defensive.
If he said nothing, maybe nobody would notice.
So he said nothing.
Obanai watched him from across the room.
Sanemi's shoulders were too rigid.
His breathing was too shallow.
There was something wrong.
Something was very, very wrong.
But Obanai waited.
He knew Sanemi hated being singled out.
The meeting eventually ended.
Chairs shifted.
Voices rose.
People began leaving.
Sanemi stood immediately.
Too quickly.
His chair scraped against the floor.
Several heads turned.
He didn't look at anyone.
He simply walked out.
Obanai waited perhaps three seconds before following.
Sanemi was already halfway down the path.
Fast.
Too fast.
"Shinazugawa."
Sanemi didn't turn.
Obanai followed at a distance.
"Sanemi."
Nothing.
The wind moved through the trees.
Sanemi kept walking.
His breathing was becoming harder.
His vision had begun to blur around the edges.
He didn't know why.
He didn't understand why his chest felt so tight.
He just knew he needed to get somewhere nobody could see him.
He walked faster.
His footsteps became uneven.
The estate disappeared behind him.
Good.
Almost there.
He could make it somewhere private.
He could sit down.
He could breathe.
He could get himself together.
He could—
His breath caught.
Sanemi stopped.
His entire body went rigid.
No.
Not here.
Not now.
He swallowed desperately.
His eyes burned.
He turned toward the nearest tree.
He barely made it behind it before the first sob escaped.
Sanemi clapped a hand over his mouth.
His shoulders shook.
"No."
He squeezed his eyes shut.
"No, no, no."
Another sob.
He pressed his forehead against the bark.
"Get it together."
His voice was barely recognizable.
"Get it together."
Nothing changed.
His breathing shattered.
He slid down the tree, eventually hitting the ground with his knees pulled tightly toward his chest.
He buried his face against his arms.
He tried to make himself quiet.
He couldn't.
Everything he'd held inside that room came crashing down at once.
The criticism.
The exhaustion.
The constant pressure.
The feeling that he was never doing enough.
Every mistake he'd ever made seemed to rise up in his mind at once.
You're not good enough.
You're too angry.
You're too difficult.
You're always causing problems.
You can't even control yourself.
What kind of Hashira falls apart over words?
Sanemi shook his head.
"Stop."
His voice cracked.
"Stop."
But his mind didn't stop.
Instead, it found another memory.
Someone looking irritated with him.
Someone sighing after he snapped.
Someone turning away.
Another memory.
Another mistake.
Another argument.
Another moment where he'd thought afterward:
I shouldn't have said that.
Then another.
And another.
And another.
It became impossible to separate the past from the present.
Sanemi's breathing turned ragged.
"I ruin everything."
The words escaped before he could stop them.
He froze.
Then whispered them again.
"I ruin everything."
His hands trembled.
"No, no..."
He squeezed his eyes shut.
He didn't want to think this way.
He didn't want to feel this way.
But the thoughts were louder than he was.
You're a terrible person.
You don't know how to talk to people.
You don't know how to accept help.
You don't know how to be anything except angry.
Sanemi covered his ears.
"Shut up."
His own voice sounded tiny beneath the roar in his head.
"Shut up."
Footsteps approached.
Sanemi's stomach dropped.
"Sanemi?"
Obanai.
Of course.
Sanemi curled tighter.
"Go away."
Obanai stopped.
He could hear the crying.
He could hear the way Sanemi was struggling to breathe.
"No."
"Go away."
"I'm not leaving."
"Please."
That word made Obanai's expression change.
Sanemi almost never said please.
Obanai stepped around the tree.
Sanemi immediately turned his face away.
His cheeks were wet.
His eyes were red.
His expression was one of pure humiliation.
"Don't look at me."
Obanai lowered himself onto the ground several feet away.
"Okay."
Sanemi sniffed.
"You shouldn't be here."
"I know."
"Then leave."
"No."
Sanemi's face twisted.
"Why?"
"Because you're hurting."
"I'm fine."
"You aren't."
"I'm fine!"
The words broke apart into another sob.
Sanemi immediately covered his face.
Obanai didn't move.
"Sanemi."
"Don't."
"I'm not going to force you to talk."
"Then stop talking."
Obanai fell silent.
For several seconds, neither of them spoke.
Sanemi's breathing slowly became quieter.
Not better.
Just quieter.
Then, unexpectedly, he whispered:
"They hate me."
Obanai's heart sank.
"I don't."
"You don't count."
"I do."
"No."
Sanemi shook his head.
"You have to."
"Have to what?"
"Put up with me."
Obanai frowned.
"I don't have to do anything."
"Yes, you do."
Sanemi looked at him.
"You have to because we're Hashira."
Obanai's expression softened.
"That's not why I'm here."
Sanemi looked away.
"You say that now."
"I mean it."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Then tell me."
"I can't."
"That's okay."
Sanemi laughed bitterly.
"Everything is 'okay' with you."
"No."
Obanai's voice was quiet.
"Some things aren't okay."
Sanemi's eyes filled again.
"I'm not okay."
The admission seemed to scare him.
He immediately looked down.
"I'm not okay."
Obanai didn't say anything for a moment.
Then:
"I know."
Sanemi's face crumpled.
That was all it took.
He began crying again.
"I tried."
Obanai stayed quiet.
"I really tried."
"I know."
"I tried to listen."
"I know."
"I tried not to get angry."
"I know."
"I tried to do everything right."
His voice became smaller.
"But I can't."
Obanai shifted closer.
"Sanemi—"
"I can't."
Sanemi shook his head violently.
"I can't do anything right."
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is."
"It isn't."
"You weren't there."
"I've seen you fight."
"That's different."
"You've saved people."
"That's my job."
"You've protected the other Hashira."
"That's what we're supposed to do."
"You've helped people when they needed you."
"That doesn't mean anything."
"It does."
"No."
Sanemi's voice became desperate.
"Don't say nice things to me."
Obanai went still.
"Why?"
"Because I don't believe them."
The words were barely audible.
"I don't believe any of them."
Obanai's throat tightened.
Sanemi looked exhausted.
Not physically.
Something deeper.
Like he'd been carrying a weight for so long that he'd forgotten what it felt like not to.
"I don't know how to believe you."
Obanai didn't know what to say to that.
So he didn't pretend he had an answer.
He simply sat beside him.
Sanemi kept crying.
Time passed.
Five minutes.
Ten.
Maybe twenty.
Obanai never left.
Eventually, Sanemi's sobs became quieter.
His body was still trembling.
His gaze had gone distant.
Obanai noticed immediately.
"Sanemi?"
No response.
"Sanemi."
A small sound.
"Hm?"
Obanai frowned.
Sanemi looked down at his hands.
He seemed confused.
His expression had changed.
The anger was gone.
So was the sharpness.
He looked lost.
Small.
Not physically.
Nothing about him had changed physically.
But mentally, something had slipped.
The overwhelming thoughts had finally become too much for the adult part of him to carry.
Sanemi blinked slowly.
"Oba...?"
Obanai's heart clenched.
"I'm here."
Sanemi stared at him.
His lower lip trembled.
"Bad."
Obanai immediately understood.
"No."
Sanemi shook his head.
"Bad."
"No, Sanemi."
"Bad."
His voice was barely more than a whisper.
Obanai moved closer.
"You aren't bad."
Sanemi's eyes filled.
"Mean."
"You aren't mean."
"Angry."
"You're allowed to be angry."
Sanemi frowned.
He didn't seem to understand.
His thoughts were too tangled now.
He tugged anxiously at his sleeve.
"Sorry."
"You don't need to apologize."
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
"Sorry."
Obanai gently held out his hand.
Sanemi stared at it.
His eyes flickered between Obanai's face and the offered hand.
Then, slowly, he reached out.
His fingers closed around Obanai's.
His grip was weak at first.
Then suddenly much tighter.
Obanai let him.
Sanemi leaned closer.
His head eventually came to rest against Obanai's shoulder.
He was trembling.
"Don't go."
Obanai's voice softened.
"I'm not going anywhere."
Sanemi closed his eyes.
For several minutes, he simply stayed there.
Then:
"Oba..."
"Yes?"
"Bad?"
"No."
Sanemi frowned.
"Sure?"
Obanai gently squeezed his hand.
"Very sure."
Sanemi seemed to think about that.
His eyes remained closed.
Then he whispered:
"Head hurts."
"I know."
"Too loud."
"I know."
"Make it quiet."
Obanai swallowed.
"I'll stay with you."
Sanemi's breathing hitched.
He curled slightly closer.
Obanai carefully adjusted his haori around Sanemi's shoulders.
The Hashira who could stare down demons without flinching was now clinging to the edge of Obanai's sleeve like it was the only stable thing left in the world.
Obanai didn't mention it.
Didn't tease him.
Didn't ask him to explain.
He simply stayed.
Sanemi's eyes began to droop.
He looked utterly exhausted.
Before sleep took him, he whispered one last thing.
"Don't be mad."
Obanai's chest hurt.
"I'm not mad."
"Even though..."
Sanemi couldn't finish.
Obanai understood anyway.
"Even though you cried?"
A tiny nod.
"Even though you couldn't handle the meeting?"
Another nod.
"Even though you needed someone?"
Sanemi's fingers tightened.
Obanai shook his head.
"None of those things make me angry."
Sanemi was silent.
Then, almost too quietly to hear:
"Okay."
His breathing finally began to settle.
Obanai stayed beside him.
The sun had started sinking by then.
The estate was far behind them.
Eventually, Sanemi fell asleep with his head against Obanai's shoulder, still holding tightly onto his sleeve.
Obanai looked down at him.
He thought about the meeting.
About how long Sanemi had sat there silently hurting.
About how many times he'd probably told himself nobody noticed.
How many times he'd swallowed words.
How many times he'd decided that needing someone was something shameful.
Obanai's expression softened.
"You idiot," he murmured.
There was no bite behind it.
"You're allowed to fall apart."
Sanemi didn't wake.
Obanai carefully pulled the haori higher around his shoulders.
"And next time you think you have to hide it..."
He paused.
"...you don't have to."
Sanemi slept on.
For once, he didn't have to fight anything.
He didn't have to be strong.
He didn't have to be a Hashira.
He didn't have to prove that he deserved to be cared for.
He could simply sleep.
And Obanai would stay beside him until he woke.