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It was cold and light, the scent of antiseptic, medicine and herbs overpowering everything else you might feel.
“Room 102” Was said in a repetitive monotone voice by a nurse. I mean, he’d get tired too if he worked at the hospital. The environment on Zanka’s way was cold, almost unforgiving. It felt like a warning that he wasn’t aware of yet, as if the universe took pity on him.
Zanka’s hand touched the cool doorknob, slowly pushing it to let himself warily in. In the field of his vision it was unmistakably Jabber, there’s no one else like him that manages to catch his attention the way he does.
As if the volume of everything intensified, the machines beeped through the room and the iv dripped into Jabber’s soft vein. He sat there completely motionless, as if the grim reaper had personally visited him and he just accepted it.
“Why was i called? I thought i told ya to remove me from yer emergency contact!” Zankas jaw visibly clenched, his hands balling into fists.
“.. have you ever wondered what happens in the afterlife after you die? I didn’, seems like utter bullshit to me.” Jabber’s voice was worn out, but still somehow managed to sound just as annoying as the day they met.
Without waiting for a response, his fuchsia eyes met the deep blue ones.
“It’s cancer. Stage 4, i assumed all the symptoms were just me bein’ in the aftermath of lala land and shit.”
If Zanka wasn’t so caught up in his own racing thoughts and the fact that despite the other boys silly facade, he would’ve almost believed it. Almost.
“What? Jabber, this isn’ the right time to joke. Im serious. Did you get into another fist fight or what??” His tone was stern and his insides were stirring, like a boiling kettle, awaiting to explode any moment.
“Hey hey calm down, my man! When did i ever lie to you? Well excluding last month, i had a reasonable reason which reasons with my reason!”
“Jabber.”
The already empty room never looked stiller and colder. Both of the boys stared at each other, maybe, just maybe it would stop the time and give them plenty of time to soak in each other’s gaze.
“I just told you. Apparently they found pancreatic cancer.. talk about having a busy week.”
If the beeping of the machines, that Jabber was hooked on weren’t so loud, Zanka could nearly hear his heart drop and shatter in pieces at the newly found information.
Cancer? Especially pancreatic cancer? In Jabber? It sounded to like a horrible nightmare. yeah.. that’s right. Zanka is simply asleep and was having a vivid nightmare. Maybe he should’ve listened when Enjin told him to take it easy while studying non stop.
“.. Maaan and i was supposed to be having my moment! Zaaankaa!~ you there?”
The blonde was snapped out of his deep thoughts, only to realise he was still in the same lifeless hospital room. The same room 102 he was told earlier.
He looked around to take in everything he didn’t get to. The plain white walls that might make you see stuff, the rustled sheets on Jabber’s hospital bed and the patient himself.
He looked so out of place since the last time he saw him. His usual golden skin looked so yellowish and sick. Those playful and mischievous eyes now so tired and almost dull.
He wasn’t joking around. Not in this state.. not when everything seemed to align up with the recent events.
“C’mon Zan-Zan, quit that train of thoughts you’re having. By the way, call Cthoni and help her gather all my things if you wouldn’ mind!”
Zanka took in his face with a scowl. That damned grin. Even in the worst times.
“Fine. I hope chemo will be over fast so i can beat some sense into ya.”
Jabber’s grin faded just as quickly as it appeared, his gaze averting to the window next to his bed.
“Oh yeah, i rejected chemo since it’s pretty useless, you feel me right?”
The silence was deafening. Zanka was oddly silent, there’s no way to see his reaction, and honestly, Jabber didn’t want to.
“.. ya what?” Was all the blonde could mutter after minutes of silence, his tone dropping.
“rejected it. was told that my body was too weak and chemo wouldn’ fix anythin’.”
The playfulness that once Jabber embraced was slowly starting to fade. A yawn escaped his body as he got more comfortable in the hospital sheets.
Numbness was all Zanka could feel. Maybe it was shock. Maybe the reality of everything would come crashing down onto him later.
“..How long?”
Jabber finally took his eyes off of the window to look back at the other who was now standing closer to the bed.
“Hm? Ah, don’t know, don’t care. Im honestly bummed they didn’t let Cthoni bring me my vials, i still had like… 6 or 7 unfinished projects! I then told them, but if im supposed to be supported in my final times, why not just let me finish my shit, they got soo-“
Jabber was cut off when the weight shifted on his bed. Zanka carefully sat down, bringing his gaze to the other’s face.
“I know im handsome but damn, if i knew i’d get your attention this way sooner, it would make things so much easier.” He teased, just like usual ignoring the tension that could cut everything like a knife.
The younger boy scowled and nudged Jabber’s shoulder as his eyes focused on something else.
“Don’t joke about this shit ya bastard.”
The sun flowed from the window onto the sheets, illuminating the room. It was zankas turn to break the silence but when he looked back for a second, the other’s eyes were unfocused and droopy.
“Ya should get some rest. It’s rude to keep a conversation while actively falling asleep” was remarked from him.
The older boy laughed weakly and winked at him.
“Guilty. Hey, if i die, can y’all bury me in my favourite colours? Preferably purple though. Or maybe pink.. decisions decisions..”
Maybe things weren’t so bad yet. Maybe there was still a bit of hope left. Jabber wasn’t weak, everyone knows that. He can still fight and beat it, then everything could go back to normal.
As deeper as his thoughts could go, he noticed how silent it actually became. Quite odd since Jabber loved talking his ear off. It all made sense though when he saw the same guy fast asleep, holding his hand while he zoned out.
Jabber looked so peaceful. His features softened up, making him look like an angel if Zanka hadn’t known any better. The pale hand brushed over Jabber’s face, stroking his cheek gently. The weight loss was looking more noticeable now. His cheeks lacking fat made him look even more underweight than he already was. It made Zanka wonder how he hadn’t noticed anything, even if they barely saw each other in the past month.
While taking in the silent moment to appreciate Jabbers beauty, the doorknob turned and opened to reveal Cthoni. They haven’t talked much before, but her gaze still gave him chills to this day, even if she meant no harm, for now.
“Ah.. i’ll be takin’ my leave now.” Was all he could mutter under his breath, trying his best to be silent as to not disturb Jabber’s sleep. The shorter woman nodded and walked in at the same time as Zanka got up and left, taking one last glance at the other before leaving.
On his way down the hall, his thoughts were starting to come one after another, clouding his mind about any other topics. Nurses came and left, some other patients particularly hung out in the hallways, all minding their own business, everyone having their own issues.
Despite his pessimistic tendencies at times, Zanka tried his best to keep a positive mindset learned through the people closest to him. Jabber is gonna be fine. He’s someone definitely not to be underestimated.
Everything will be picture perfect.
———————————————————
The next day, Zanka returns to the hospital, this time bringing Jabber his favourite meal, spicy miso ramen, from the restaurant they both like. The hospital room feels less intimidating than it did yesterday, mostly because Jabber is acting more like himself.
He reached for the doorknob, turning it only to be met with Jabber out of bed pacing around, quite typical.
The taller boy’s face immediately shifted into a grin
“Mr. Bad attitude! How nice of you to bless me with your presence after leaving me yesterday~” he purred, interlocking his fingers while bringing his hands to his face.
Zanka sucked his teeth in, his way of acting annoyed
“Ya fell asleep on me, besides Cthoni came to visit ya even though ya were asleep.”
The plastic bag was set on the counter, the warmth escaping through the plastic.
“I brought ya some food.. There’s extra chili oil, knowing yer crazy ass.”
If Jabber didn’t resemble a cat before, he for sure did now. His eyes widening impossibly.
“Well shit! I didn’t know you could be this generous! It was usually me paying to take you out but now you’re just spoiling me.”
The older boy teased, immediately grabbing a hair tie to tie his wicks in an effortless bun to help him eat. Both of them sat down, Jabber grabbing a pair of chopsticks that Zanka had brought from his dorm. The conversation started just as easy. Jabber couldn’t stop complaining about the hospital and how he wasn’t allowed to wander around. Zanka talked about his exams at uni, the Cleaners club and how his siblings couldn’t give him a break. Then eventually the topic shifted to their old memories.
Jabber ate between words, taking a few bites here and there before pausing to listen. Every now and then, he’d stir the noodles around with his chopsticks before taking another small bite. The ramen was still warm, and the smell filled the room, but he seemed more interested in keeping the conversation going than actually finishing it.
“.. no that was disgustin’, Jabbs. Please, don’t do that ever again.” Zanka groaned, reaching out to rub his tired eyes.
“Please. Licking your face isn’t the worst thin’ in the world i could’ve done. Not that someone like you would know though..” was chuckled out before a pleasant sensation of a finger flicked his forehead, making Jabber lean in more.
“Maan.. shit give me more of that, seriously they are neglecting me here! Hope you’re training more to give me that deserved ass-beating.”
Zankas hand trembled in anger, as much as he wanted to beat the living hell out of this guy, he had to take his condition into account.
“Of course ya would say that.. eat yer food and stop spoutin’ nonsense.”
“But then who else if not me to play with your nerves? I know you love me for that.”
True. Almost true, even if Zanka didn’t say it out loud and doesn’t plan to. He looked back to Jabbers bowl of food and noticed a decent amount still in there.
“Thats all yer eatin’? I thought the food here was trash.”
“Yeah, yeah, i’ll eat it later don’t get your panties in a twist. Pretty sure they do have a microwave in here somewhere, with my sense of direction its gonna be a bitch finding it!”
Zanka simply just nodded and looked back at the time, noticing that visiting hours are almost over. Reluctantly he stood up, the chair scraping finally distracting Jabber from his yap session.
“Im gonna be on my way now, i still have to send Riyo the notes i took in class today. Go and get some sleep or somethin’, no funny business.”
Jabber pushed the chair, taking his time standing up and grabbing something nearby to stabilise him.
“Aw already? Time sure do passes fast huh..” he groaned, watching his friend grab his bag and make his way to the door. Before he could reach for the door knob, Jabber walked forward and grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers together.
“Hey.. thank you by the way. For the food i mean.”
Zanka was slightly taken aback at the verbal expression of gratitude, last he remembered Jabber never really said thank you’s or anything without adding a joke alongside it.
“Its nothin’, finish it later because i did not waste my money just so it lands in the trash later.” He huffed as his hand was let go, the cool air touching his skin.
The older boy watched him turn walk to the door and leave, the soft tud echoing in the empty room. With a reluctant sigh, Jabber rubbed his eyes and made his way to the bed as the fatigue overtook his entire body.
———————————————————
The visits continue like planned, Zanka returning whenever he had the time. At first, their conversations remain light. Jabber fills the silence with jokes and pointless stories or complains, you don’t really have a choice. He als pokes fun at Zanka just to get a reaction out of him like usual.
With every visit, Zanka brought something for Jabber to eat, as the remark about the horrible hospital food didn’t go unnoticed. Every time it was something different that the older boy liked or mentioned wanting to try; some packs of beef jerky and gummies, warm container of udon that he himself tried to cook, containers of rice and spicy curry.. the list goes on. Even if Zanka doesn’t admit it, he enjoyed the look on Jabbers face whenever he brought him something new to try.
Sometimes they talk, sometimes they don’t. Jabber gets restless whenever he’s stuck in bed for too long, so blonde starts bringing things alongside the food to keep him occupied.
They play cards when Jabber is feeling up to it, although Jabber gets bored halfway through and starts messing with the cards instead. Other times, they’ll watch something together, like crappy shows or horror movies to the older boys choice.
Their conversations slowly become more personal as they spend more time together. There’s only so much you can do while confined in a room alone. the little changes started appearing more often. That being as Jabber takes more breaks, moves slower, and spends more time sitting down than he used to. It set a lot of alarms off in Zankas head but whenever he tried to show his concerns or worries, he was immediately brushed off by the other boy. ‘Stop being so sappy man.’ .. ‘you tweaking, i just went late to sleep thats all’.
He tried his best to keep the positive mindset up. He really did.
———————————————————
Some visits had to get skipped, much to Jabbers disappointment, Zanka still had a shit ton of exams to study for and somehow had to split his time between visiting and studying. Like usual, the younger boy still texted him regularly, mainly to remind Jabber to take a shower once in a while.
After nearly 3 days of delaying his visit and Jabber calling him non stop to whine about the supposed abandonment, his arrival in the same room surely surprised the other. Jabber’s grin was undeniably cute, in his own deranged way. Not that he would ever admit it to anyone.
Perhaps not even to himself.
“Hey. I brought ya some ring polish for Mankira.” He said and dropped his bag on his usual spot. Jabber took his sweet time stretching and dropping his legs off of the bed.
“Good finally! I was startin’ to think mankira was gonna grow her own pair of arms and rip my limbs off.. not that i’d complain but it’s such a heartbreak..”
The other giggled as he snatched the polishing cloth to start making Mankira sparkle again.
“I had to ask Rudo if he had any spare ones, luckily he did, but kind of hesitated givin’ it to me when i told him it’s for ya.”
Jabber looked up and curiously raised a brow.
“That big foot guy still got beef with me? I thought he’d calm down if i started dating his brother..”
He immediately received another flick in the forehead that nearly got him erect.
“We aren’t dating, ya shithead!” Was all Zanka could bark out while his cheeks visibly reddened.
Jabber could’t help but burst out in weak laughter. Grabbing Zankas hand and interlocking their fingers, he pulled the blonde into him and nuzzled his face into the other’s cheek.
“Really now? And here i thought we were dating.. does that mean all our dates were you just leadin’ me on? Breaking my heart here Zan-Zan.”
The red in Zankas cheeks was starting to spread to his ears, his forehead now rapidly breaking out in a sweat while he tried, but failed, to act nonchalant.
“There was no leadin’ on if ya forced me into these so called ‘dates’.”
Despite his dislike of physical touch, he weirdly didn’t seem to mind Jabber’s. Whether it was holding hands, rare pecks on the cheek, or falling asleep in each other’s arms then brushing it off once they woke up. He never made no move to push Jabber away.
Seeing the obvious sign of Zanka not pulling away, Jabber pulled him further in until they laid together in his messy bed, getting comfortable.
The older boy lazily played with the others hair, while humming one of his annoying songs.
“Hey, if we ever got married, do i take your last name or you mine?” Was blurted out of the blue, it sounded too legit to be a joke.
“.. that’s an odd question to be askin’. I wouldn’ marry you anyway, or anyone in general..”
“Aw you sure? Maybe i can still sweep you off your feet. Wait! Even better, we can marry and you’ll be my permanent lab rat!” He purred and pulled on Zankas cheeks to prove his point.
“Quit pullin’ on my cheeks! You seriously couldn’t just keep this conversation going like a normal person..”
Jabber yawned and stretched slightly, his head was starting to throb a lot.
“Lemme go, i need to use the bathroom.” After some consideration and a hum, he let go of Zanka and sat back up.
“Ay, make sure not to leave me alone for too lon’.”
The blonde chuckled and made his way to the bathroom outside the room. Jabber’s skin has been so chilly these past few days, no matter how many layers he wore, he just couldn’t get warm. The throb in his head didn’t fade either..
After trying to get his shit together, he hesitantly hopped off of his bed and slowly walked to his counter where his meds were.
.
.
.
The bathroom door opened, Zanka stepping back into the room while fixing his shirt. He was already preparing himself to hear Jabber’s voice again, probably complaining about something stupid or pacing back and forth. Instead, the room was silent.
His eyes immediately went toward the bed, which was also empty.
“…Jabber?”
His gaze slowly dropped to where older boy was on the floor, for a moment Zanka simply stared.
His brain refused to process what he was looking at. Jabber wasn’t supposed to be on the cold floor. He was supposed to be sitting on the bed, probably making some stupid comment about Zanka taking too long in the bathroom or something piss-related. Maybe this was just a prank?
“Jabber?”
.
“Jabber!”
He rushed forward, dropping to his knees beside him. His hands hovered uselessly for a second, not knowing where to touch or what to do.
“Hey. Hey, wake up ya bastard.”
His voice came out much weaker than he expected. He barely registered the sound of himself calling for help before getting back up and rushing to the door. Out in the colder hallway, he urgently yelled for help.
Everything happened at once. One immediately moved toward Jabber while another called for additional help. More footsteps echoed through the hallway, followed by another nurse entering the room. It made Zanka’s head spin in circles while his body broke out in cold sweat.
His dizziness was broken when one of the nurses got into his field of vision.
“Sir, you need to step out.”
“Is he-“
He didn’t have the time to finish when a look at Jabber’s body made his legs move on their own, now exiting the room while he felt like he might throw up.
The door closed behind him, with no questions answered or whatever the hell just happened. He grabbed his phone to dial the person closest to Jabber, Cthoni.
.
Jabber would wake up, he had to. It wasn’t like him to give up this easily, right? He always got back up, even if the pain was impossible to ignore. Thats what he enjoyed, like the masochistic idiot he is..
.
Zanka eventually found himself sitting in one of the chairs outside, his eyes refusing to leave the door. Minutes passed. Or maybe it was longer. He couldn’t tell anymore. His anxiety was through the roof and threatened to break out of his skin.
The sounds from inside gradually became quieter. Footsteps came and went. Voices became harder to hear until there was almost nothing left.
Cthoni arrived looking alarmed. Zanka looked up at her but said nothing. She didn’t ask what happened, the expression on her face was enough to tell that even she, couldn’t keep a stoic facade for too long.
The waiting room felt colder than the hospital room ever had.
Then the door opened and a nurse stepped out, her head hanging low with a clipboard in her hands.
Zanka stood up so fast his vision went black for a second before regaining himself.
“Is he-”
The nurse’s eyes moved toward Cthoni. Not him, as if she was purposely avoiding his gaze.
Cthoni stood slowly as the nurse approached her and quietly spoke to her, keeping her voice low enough that Zanka couldn’t hear.
He watched Cthoni’s expression change just slightly, that was all it took. Zanka already knew.
He couldn’t bring himself to ask any questions.
———————————————————
Everything was grey, especially the sky. Or maybe Zankas colours just dulled by a lot after the recent events.
The funeral had already ended, leaving the graveyard almost completely empty. The people who had come to pay their respects were slowly making their way home, their footsteps fading into the distance until there was barely anything left but the quiet wind passing through the trees. There weren’t many people that came.
Despite Jabbers eccentric and confident personality, he didn’t have that many people around him. Cthoni was the closest he had to family, taken under her care after hopping from foster home to foster home. The people that attended his unfortunate funeral were a couple of distant friends and acquaintances from his club, The raiders.
Zanka remained standing in front of the grave. Purple flowers surrounded the fresh earth, some placed neatly while others had been left wherever there was room. Even now, that stupid colour followed Jabber everywhere. Even in his grave. That stupid.. stupid purple suit that fit him so well. Even if he wasn’t here to see himself.
Zanka stared down for a while, his expression was unreadable. There was no anger, no sadness, nothing that could properly describe what he was feeling. Just a strange emptiness sitting heavily in his chest, as if his body still hadn’t caught up with what had happened. Was this normal?
Is this what people usually felt while staring down at their loved ones grave? Maybe he was abnormal, but it didn’t matter. Jabber would’t want people to weep around, he would’t want Zanka to hold himself even more back.
“Purple,” he muttered quietly. “Really went with purple. Looks like the tuxedo ya wore at prom.”
His voice almost cracked at the end, but he ignored it. The blonde was so deep into his thoughts, he hadn’t even heard the footsteps approaching from behind.
Cthoni, standing a few feet away, tapped him on his arm to get his attention. She said nothing at first, her gaze shifting between him and the grave.
Then without much warning, she held out a small pouch.
“Jabber wanted you to have this.”
Zankas eyes widened by a centimetre before slowly taking it from her.
“..what is this?”
“Look inside and you’ll find out.”
His pale hand tightened around the pouch. Inside, he could feel a distinctive shape that he could recognise everywhere. Jabber’s rings. His treasure. Mankira.
Cthoni slowly looked away, her expression difficult to read as usual, even in these moments.
“He told me to give her to you if anything happened.”
The words settled somewhere in the back of Zanka’s mind. If anything happened.
Like Jabber had already known. Like he had actually sat there and calculated everything. Sadistic bastard that he was.
“.. i know we aren’t close, but if you need something, im a phone call away. As Jabbers older sister.”
With that being said, Cthoni gave him one last glance before turning away to leave him alone with his thoughts and Mankira.
A notification went off on his phone, zankas hand reached out in his pocket to grab it and silence the device. When it unlocked automatically, Jabber’s unseen messages from that day still lingered on his home screen, messages he hadn’t had the guts to swipe away. All he could do is stare.
Jabbs: Yo tell Cthoni to preorder me some more vials
Jabbs: stick boy quit leaving me on delivered it’s breaking my heart you sadist. 👎
Jabbs: i just saw this reel of some spicy tomato soup can you make me some plzz
Jabbs: *sent a photo*
How ironic huh. He was supposed to cook the soup the day before the event so he could bring it over. Turns out Jabber never got to try it out.
Crouching near the flowers, the blonde looked at the name engraved into the basic stone. For a while, nothing came out. The only thing that filled in the silence was the occasional crows cawing.
“Ya always had to make everythin’ so damn complicated. Every damn time.”
A weak laugh escaped him, but it didn’t last.
“I kept thinkin’ ya were gonna get better. Even after they told me everythin’, I still thought you’d somehow pull through. Yer Jabber, for fuck’s sake. Ya always managed to get back up no matter what happened.“
His fingers instinctively curled around the pouch.
“I didn’t even get to say anythin’.”
His throat felt clogged and the words were getting harder to push out.
“Ya still had yer projects waiting for ya. Ya still had shit to complain about. Ya still owed me money too.”
The wind blew through his hair, the chills on his neck getting harder to ignore now.
“Bastard.. doesn’t matter if yer here or not, i will bring out my full potential and prove to myself that i can surpass geniuses like ya.”
He stayed crouched there for a while, staring at the grave as if Jabber might somehow answer him. The same crows cawing at something once again, never letting the silence sit too long.
Zanka’s expression remained a mix of everything in a cocktail. He himself couldn’t tell what he was feeling, but one stood out the most. Determination.
With his hand warming the pouch, he reluctantly stood back up. With a pause, unable to say goodbye, the blonde sighed and turned away.
“I’ll take care of yer girl. See ya later Jabbs.”
——————————————————————
Zanka honestly couldn’t tell how long it has been. Maybe a week? Maybe a year? Who knows. What’s important to him is training and passing his studies as a final year student.
Old habits die hard, he learned it the hard way after realising that Jabber had migrated himself into his daily routine.
After long hours of studying, he instinctively took more frequent breaks. The blonde occasionally messaged Jabber’s unavailable phone number, even if his messages never went through. While dining at his favourite restaurant, he always ordered extra chili oil, for himself and Jabber.
It seemed odd to others, Enjin himself tried talking to Zanka about therapy maybe or if he was feeling alright.
You can’t really blame him, Zanka acted like usual, like his normal self. Nothing was out of the ordinary. He still followed his daily routine, took care of his girl, bickering around with Rudo for eating the entire pantry and being Riyo’s model whenever she needed a living mannequin.
Maybe he was weird. Maybe it was odd for not locking himself in a room and wallowing in self pity while eating ice cream. No, this was his way of dealing with Jabber’s death.
He really did like him, no matter how much he denied or scowled at the accusation, Jabber matched him like no one else had.
Taking care of mankira was a daily reminder of someone he won’t be able to forget. Hm.. Zanka Wonger doesn’t sound as bad as he made it out to be.
.
.
Night had settled over the room a while ago. Zanka stood by the window, his arms resting against the windowsill as he stared outside. Lovely was propped up next to him, offering him her comfort.
The moon hung high above everything, full and bright against the dark sky. He stared at it for a while. For some reason, it reminded him of Jabber.
Maybe it was the way the light filled the room. Maybe it was because Jabber had always managed to sneak into his dorm at night even if he risked getting caught.
That stupid laugh. Those stupid jokes. His fingers slowly tightened against the windowsill.
“…Jabbs.”
The name left his mouth quietly, almost like he was testing whether a certain someone would respond from behind. The room remained silent.
Zanka looked back toward the moon, his eyes beginning to sting. He didn’t bother wiping them this time.
One tear finally slipped down his cheek. His grip on Lovely assistaff tightened just by a bit, rubbing his thumb up and down in a repetitive motion.
The rings, Mankira, on his fingers hummed their own melody, missing her owner just as much.
And for once, Zanka didn’t try to convince himself that everything would be picture perfect.
It was never going to be the same again, and yet, he’ll keep his goodbye.