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Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was working overtime to mask her pale skin and the dark circles under her eyes.
She could cancel. It was just dinner, she told herself. It was just dinner with Chakotay.
That was the problem. She didn’t want to cancel. It was dinner with Chakotay.
It had been months since they’d spent time alone together. She’d been the one to finally ask, so she couldn’t cancel. How would that look?
Since returning to earth, and possibly well before that, Kathryn had missed him. Their strained relationship from the last weeks…months…on Voyager had finally begun to loosen. It wasn’t due to good communication on their part, but perhaps a natural return to how things used to be without the immense weight of the nonstop stress and loneliness that built over seven years and rested on both of their shoulders.
Both of them, she recognized, appeared happier since arriving back in the Alpha Quadrant.
Although Kathryn had noticed his eyes on Seven during their last days on Voyager, and as much as that hurt her, she wasn’t oblivious to how his eyes quickly moved from Seven and remained on her since the moment she arrived at the Homecoming Ball.
It almost felt like he remembered she existed again, as Kathryn, however stupid that sounded. Despite having mixed feelings about it, she couldn’t deny it was what she wanted.
She found out during a visit to see baby Miral, according to the Tom Paris gossip grapevine, Chakotay and Seven’s extremely short-lived relationship ended in a spectacular breakup during the Homecoming Ball. Seven had spoken directly to him and Chakotay had been quite embarrassed about something else. Although Tom wouldn’t say anything more about either topic after B’Elanna entered the room.
Their schedules overlapped naturally. They saw each other during the endless mandatory debriefings, special appearances, and crew dinners. At galas, Chakotay always beat the hovering waiters to refill her drink but it was Tuvok who was often her dance partner. During dinners, he often brushed her arm, and she admitted to herself she was excited by the electricity it always sparked. And more often than not, he gave her that special smile of his that was mesmerizing whenever she would make some sort of joke.
When Kathryn dreamed about what returning home would be like, she always pictured her and Chakotay still as close friends, having frequent dinners and going to special events together and taking long-weekend trips away to satisfy their need for exploration.
Even in her dreams, she never allowed their unique relationship to be labeled, as if she couldn’t bear the depth of her desire. What mattered in her homecoming dreams was that they were together in it. Reality, however, differed.
Weeks passed by, and Chakotay seemed happy to see her during every public outing. However, she was increasingly not happy because she wanted more. During those events, they didn’t get much time to talk or catch up. Simply put, they had drifted apart and she wanted to get to know him again.
Kathryn waited for their friendship to continue to evolve as it once had, but it did not. She got the sense that it wasn’t that he didn’t want it to, but he was still embarrassed about…whatever it was Tom eluded to.
So, it didn’t matter if she was sick. Kathryn was determined to take control of the situation and fix it. She had asked him to dinner, and she was going to go.
It was only later that she realized she hadn't asked him to have dinner together as a date. Although, she wanted it to be a date, and she wanted him to want it to be a date.
Kathryn even dressed as if it were a date, wearing a loose, navy blue dress that was a casual version of her Homecoming Ball gown.
She was eager to see how he would interpret her ambiguous dinner invitation. Nevertheless, if she cancelled, he could interpret it in any number of ways and that simply wouldn’t do.
She grabbed a thick shawl, her skin alternating between hot and cold spells, and walked out the door.
Her head ached as soon as she appeared on the beach’s short-range transporter station. And to her annoyance, the pain did not dissipate. It was only due to luck that a wave of something swept through her quickly, and she stumbled while out of sight of anyone else.
Kathryn was early. But as she spotted the restaurant, she was surprised to see Chakotay waiting for her. They smiled stupidly at each other as she neared. His hands were behind his back and he wore a white sweater and dark pants. He looked dashing.
"Good evening, Chakotay," she greeted.
"Hello, Kathryn," he replied.
She felt the hostess looking between the two of them before prompting them to follow her. Kathryn wondered if she recognized them then pushed away the thought. It was likely, but it didn't matter.
They walked on a wooden walkway, providing a steady surface over the sand, toward a private table at the edge of the dining area.
Kathryn couldn't tell if Chakotay thought it was a date or not. Maybe for their next dinner, she should ask him on a date more directly. As her thoughts roamed, her question was answered as he walked closely behind her, with his hand lightly touching her lower back to get her attention. She began to turn to him, and he used the chance to speak into her ear, his breath tickling her hair.
"You look beautiful."
His deep voice, and words meant only for her, spurred a sweet flutter of anticipation in her stomach she hadn't felt in years. Kathryn turned to him fully and placed a hand on his chest. She felt his heartbeat pick up.
"Thank you," she said softly. After a beat, she withdrew her hand and looked around. The hostess had disappeared but they were standing by their table.
They sat under a large awning with warm lights and enjoyed an excellent view of the beachfront. The ocean waves rolled close by, and the transition from golden hour to dusk had begun above in the pastel sky. As they sat, Chakotay produced a small bouquet of roses from behind his back. She told him they were lovely, and they began to settle into their dinner.
“How was your week?” she asked, pushing away her growing nausea. She instead focused on the elation that swept through her from being able to speak to him without eavesdroppers or time limits or special restraints. It was something simple and yet so special.
He replied, and his eyes seemed to sparkle. He looked happy too.
Their conversation flowed naturally. She barely remembered ordering.
At some point, Kathryn realized the flowers now rested on the left of the table and her hand was being held by his on the right side. Chakotay’s hand was warm, and she felt like she didn’t want to ever let go.
Although their table was mostly private and no one was around, the public display of the gesture was intoxicating to her. The realization that she no longer had to withhold from a relationship due to command and was able to invite him here tonight, and he no longer had to withhold his physical desire either, was overwhelmingly sweet.
Although Kathryn was annoyed that her symptoms were becoming difficult to manage, disrupting the sweet atmosphere. She was now unbearably hot and had her shawl draped behind the chair. She hoped it was too dim for him to notice her face flushing.
When delicious, aromatic plates of vegetarian seafood arrived, her stomach felt heavy and she realized she could not eat anything in front of her. It had sounded fine several minutes ago, but now the thought of eating seaweed and mushrooms made her nauseous.
She picked at it out of obligation but didn’t take a bite. After several minutes of this, Chakotay commented. He always did pay too much attention.
“Do you want to order something else?” Chakotay asked, looking at her full plate.
“Oh, no. This is fine,” she said. Whether he was placated by it or not, she didn’t know.
Her dizziness grew. The whites of the ocean waves to the side of her vision kept tilting, and her feet felt unsteady resting on the ground beneath her.
Kathryn didn’t want Chakotay to think anything was wrong or she was distracted or bored. So before it got worse, she gently excused herself for a moment. She rushed to the restroom, intending to compose herself until she was perfectly fine again.
Kathryn knew he would understand if she was ill, but that wasn’t the point. She didn’t want to be sick. After weeks, months, years, she wanted to fully enjoy freely being together with him for the first time since New Earth with no parameters or underlying circumstances. She wanted to have a wonderful time this evening.
Kathryn dropped into the chair in the connecting lounge to the restrooms, with her face in her hands and took slow, deep breaths. The room was empty. It was also spinning and her head felt stuffy. She willed her body to behave, but she realized with dissatisfaction it was going to take longer than she intended. Kathryn should have kept track of the time but she didn’t. Eventually, the door opened.
“Kathryn, are you alright? What’s wrong?”
She let her hands drop from her face and plop into her lap as she looked at Chakotay. “I’ll admit, I’ve felt better.”
“I suspected… You’re sick,” Chakotay stated.
He waited for her to dispute his claim, as she would have once done, but she felt weak enough to not argue.
“I wish I wasn’t, but I’m afraid you’re right,” Kathryn said miserably. “I’m sorry I ruined our dinner.”
“You haven’t,” he replied in a softer voice. He stepped closer and felt her forehead with the back of his hand. “Can I take you somewhere for treatment?”
Kathryn paused, suddenly hesitant to see someone other than their own EMH. The thought made her heart race, and whether it was anxiety from her current condition or something else, she was resolute. He was returning tomorrow from a deep space mission. Otherwise, she would have gone to see him earlier.
“I’ll visit the Doctor when he returns tomorrow,” she said, and Chakotay frowned.
It didn’t make her feel better. It was uncharacteristic, but her brain was foggy and she simply felt the urge to apologize again in reaction to his unhappiness. It had truly been the perfect evening and she’d been the one to disrupt it. Before she could speak again, he interjected.
“Can I take you home?”
There was more she wanted to say about her ruining their date, but it would have to wait for later. “I’m sure I’ll be alright.”
They both waited as if to see if she would stand up, as Kathryn knew she should now. She did not.
“I would feel better if I saw to that myself,” Chakotay said, holding out a hand. Kathryn reached out to take it and then quickly withdrew it.
“I need another minute,” she admitted.
“Okay. There’s no rush.”
He sat down in the chair next to her, reaching over the armrests to take her clammy hand and rub his thumb over her fingers. She wished she had more mental capacity to take in the soothing feeling, but she was focusing on getting a hold of her symptoms. Eventually, Kathryn stood, and Chakotay was immediately at her side. He produced her forgotten shawl and wrapped it around her shoulders.
Reminiscent of how they often walked together during the early years on Voyager, she curled her hands around his offered forearm. Kathryn didn’t see his face melt at her action because as she held it for steadiness, she was distracted by the warmth of him.
Chakotay said he paid before he went to look for her, so they made their way to the short-range transporter station.
When in the center of the platform, he told the operator their destination before she could.
Kathryn turned to him. “How did you know that?”
Chakotay grinned guilty as the blue energy field glowed around them. They re-appeared at the station on the outskirts of her suburb.
It was a long walk to her apartment. After a short while, Kathryn reluctantly requested a moment to rest.
“Damn,” she muttered, and before Chakotay knew it, she had slipped her arm from his, letting her shawl drape down, and sat on the sidewalk edge.
Her dizziness concerned him, and he crouched next to her.
“Are you sure you don’t want to transport to a medical facility? We are still closer to the station-”
“No! No. It will pass, I think,” she said. He patiently waited with her, until he saw her shiver.
“You know…” He began.
“What?” She looked at him.
“It would be quicker if I carried you.”
“Carried me?” Kathryn said in disbelief, completely distracted. “Chakotay, that's ridiculous.”
“You think I can’t?” He said.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Will you let me then? You can get home quicker. And you can rest on your bed instead of on the ground,” Chakotay said.
She looked around as if he made a point she hadn’t thought of before and had to agree. The ground was uncomfortable. She pushed herself up to stand.
Thinking she was going to push herself to walk, Chakotay's familiar fondness and irritation for her stubbornness bloomed. He was completely surprised when she accepted his offer.
“If you want to,” she muttered.
This increased his concern but he didn’t wait for her to change her mind or feel embarrassed. He swiftly scooped her up as her arms wrapped around his neck. Chakotay glanced down at her as he began walking, and she gave him a small smile, muttering a “thank you” before resting her head on his chest.
As much as Chakotay craved any type of closeness to Kathryn, he hated that it was now happening after so long while she was sick. He also could not help but inadvertently categorize every sensation, such as her soft hair tickling his arm, her steady breathing, and her fingertips brushing the hair behind his neck.
She gave directions and he feigned ignorance, as if he hadn’t begged B’Elanna for her address one evening after a crew dinner when she’d invited him over and he declined. They arrived at her front door and he let her down. She pressed the hand scanner until the door opened. Kathryn went inside, and he followed without invitation. Although, they both knew he had one.
Kathryn dropped onto the couch and pulled a blanket around her while Chakotay disappeared into her kitchen. She wanted to call out to him but didn’t want to yell. So she shivered and waited patiently for him to return.
As he placed a mug of hot tea and a glass of water down on the coffee table in front of her, she gasped. He looked at her immediately as she said, “I can’t believe I forgot the roses you got me!”
Chakotay was amused. “It wasn’t like we were planning on leaving.”
Kathryn grumbled, clearly upset about it.
“I’ll get you more. As many roses as you want,” he said.
Kathryn looked at him, his words providing more warmth than the blanket around her. The notion that he wanted to do nice things for her in the future was enchanting.
“You will?” She asked.
Chakotay had been standing uncertainly, as if deciding to sit on the chair or next to her. Finally, the couch dipped and he faced her directly.
“Kathryn, I-I meant to mention it earlier, but I wasn’t sure how. I wanted to say thank you for being brave enough to organize our dinner.”
She looked at him in curiosity. It was a lovely thing to say but puzzling.
“I’d been told by–well, that conversation doesn’t matter. For so long I wanted to ask, but I didn’t think you’d want to.”
Kathryn tried to keep track of what he was saying with her stuffy head. At least the dizziness had passed. He saw her confusion.
“More than anything, Kathryn, I wanted to ask you to dinner, just the two of us, but I didn’t think you’d accept.”
“Of course I would have,” she said immediately. “When we made it back to earth, it was one of my fiercest hopes that we would be able to… spend more time together. That we might become better friends. Or even more than friends.”
Chakotay was stunned by her honest admission, and he felt joy at hearing her say it. They both knew, at times in the past years, they’d already been more than friends. Their relationship was indescribable and forbidden to be labeled. He was ecstatic the circumstances had changed.
“It was mine too,” he said, thinking about how he had wanted the same for years.
His mind flickered to his brief dalliance with Seven which caused embarrassment to flood through him. He knew he would have to bring it up sometime, but tonight wasn’t the time. In response though, his voice took on a desperate edge.
“I’m sorry it’s taken so long. On Voyager we couldn’t, and then I only continued to waste time these past weeks once we returned.”
“Chakotay, you didn’t,” Kathryn said. “Let’s focus on the now.”
He paused before admitting, “Earlier today, I suddenly couldn’t bear the thought of any more wasted time. I couldn’t wait to be alone with you, so I got to the restaurant 45 minutes early. The hostess thought I lied about the meeting time and was being stood up.”
She chuckled in response and reached out to grasp his hands.
“I’m happy we are here and together now. Even if it’s not exactly how I pictured tonight going,” she said. He agreed and held up her cooling tea. She sipped it and set it back down.
“Will you eat anything?”
“...No. Not right now.”
“Why don’t you move to your bed? Wouldn’t it be more comfortable?” Chakotay said.
She shrugged and agreed. Before he could offer any sort of help, Kathryn had kicked off her shoes and disappeared down the hallway. He would have been amused, but he wasn’t because he knew she must feel miserable. He followed after her with the glass of water she hadn’t touched and spotted her crawling into her bed in her dress.
“Thank you for helping me home,” Kathryn said, accepting the water as he pressed it into her hands. “But you don’t need to stay.”
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay. For a little while longer.”
“Are you sure? I’m not good company. I’m quite tired all of the sudden.”
“If you don’t mind, I don’t mind. I’m sure you have something around here I can read,” Chakotay joked, glancing at an overflowing bookshelf.
“I don’t mind,” she said softly. He nodded as if that settled it and wandered out of the room after turning off the light.
-
Kathryn slept deeply for a couple of hours before waking up shivering. The darkness outside of the window told her it was still nighttime. She felt shaky and should have stayed in bed, but she couldn’t resist needing to know where Chakotay was. Had he left?
Her dress was wrinkled and she pulled a second blanket that had appeared on her bed around her shoulders before standing up. She took a moment to get her balance and swayed to the doorway and down the hall. Steadying herself against the wall to let a dizzy spell pass, she saw a single lamp in the living room remained on and cast yellow light on Chakotay who was shivering on the couch asleep.
Kathryn stared at him warmly for several moments with tired eyes before noticing a large bouquet of flowers stood vibrantly on the coffee table in front of him. Eyebrows furrowed, she couldn’t easily come up with how he managed that without leaving since he wouldn’t have been able to get back in. Kathryn decided it didn’t matter for now.
Silently walking to him, she draped her blanket over him. It might be irrational, but she was deeply touched that he hadn't left.
On her walk back to her bedroom, she looked at the thermostat and widened her eyes at the low temperature. She must have voice commanded the change while half asleep. Now too cold to bear it, she softly spoke to the computer to raise the temperature to a normal setting. As she got back into bed and her body warmed again, she fell back asleep.
-
“Captain…”
“Why are you calling me Captain? Use my name,” she muttered.
“Okay. Captain Kathryn Janeway…” a voice said and continued on speaking.
The voice continued to disturb her rest until she blearily woke up to see the Doctor hovering over her.
“Ahh, finally. Good morning,” he said as she blinked. “I must say, I cannot believe you would put off seeking treatment for this condition as long as you have, although I should not be surprised by now!"
Kathryn groaned and rolled over away from him, discovering her blanket was gone and her dress was twisted around her knees.
"I am exceedingly touched you would prefer to wait to receive my excellent care.” The Doctor moved her hair aside and administered a hyprospray to her neck.
She belatedly swatted at him, but her heart wasn’t in it. She sighed as the medicine began to work as he continued, “And I must say, I am very pleased to see you’ve regained an interest in romance.”
She rolled over to face him, spotting a different bouquet of roses on her nightstand. She closed her eyes again, suppressing a smile.
“Who let you in?” She griped, but her biting tone was softened by her innate happiness at seeing the flowers.
“Commander Chakotay commed me.”
Kathryn took in the fact and was grateful instead of annoyed. With her eyes still closed, she felt around for her blanket and could not find it. She cracked her eyes open and spotted it in a heap on the floor. She stared at it longingly. The aforementioned Commander appeared, and seeing her gaze, picked up the blanket and draped it over her. She rolled on her back and sat up to speak at him.
“You didn’t have to stay.”
The Doctor replied instead of Chakotay. “Hmph! It was only responsible that he did! Your condition continued to deteriorate-”
Kathryn’s jaw twitched as shifted to look at him, and Chakotay swiftly disappeared as the Doctor continued. She interrupted him.
“What’s wrong with me? What’s the treatment?”
He continued to prattle, but she half listened as her empty stomach intently spoke to her instead, only catching that her symptoms should improve within the day. She didn’t want to ask him to repeat himself. It was clearly nothing too worrisome.
“Thank you, Doctor,” she said. “How was your trip?”
“I have to admit I enjoyed my time away and shared my research with others who were actually interested in it. Although as much as I enjoyed my trip, it is nice to know I am still needed around here too,” he said.
Kathryn withheld her reply and breathed a sigh of relief when he next announced he had another housecall to make. She sincerely said she was glad to see him, and he replied that he would check on her tomorrow.
Chakotay appeared next to her bed after the Doctor left. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” she admitted. “As I said earlier, you didn’t have to stay the night.”
“And what if I wanted to?” he said, playing with the tips of her fingertips before intertwining them lightly. She wanted to melt.
“I would say… I’m glad you did. Even though I realize I froze you out at one point,” Kathryn said.
He chuckled and shrugged.
“The roses are beautiful,” she continued.
“I know how much you like fresh flowers. And I told you I’d get you more,” Chakotay said.
“It didn’t have to be today!” she laughed but was visibly pleased by the gesture.
“Do you want any breakfast?” he asked.
She did not hesitate in her response. “Coffee?”
“Coffee and toast?” he countered.
“It’s a deal,” Kathryn said. As he walked toward the kitchen, she changed into a soft sweater and pants.
When she entered the kitchen and sat down at the table, she said, “Don’t feel as if you have to stay. I’m alright, really.”
“Do you want me to go?”
“...Not necessarily,” Kathryn admitted.
“Then I’m happy to stay,” Chakotay said, then grinned slyly. “Plus, I’m not leaving until we reschedule our date.”
Kathryn was charmed by him. It was as simple as that.
They both ate toast and drank coffee until her headache reappeared. Chakotay coaxed her to move to the couch. And then he urged her to lay her head on his lap. She went willingly.
He stroked her hair and massaged her scalp and a different type of shiver raced down her arms at his gentleness.
She sighed with content and brought one of her hands up to hold his. Their hands rested on his knee, and he continued to rub circles on her scalp. She stared at him, flicking her gaze to his lips before looking back into his eyes. He’d caught it, and he leaned down to kiss her lips.
With a jolt of panic and extreme disappointment, she stopped him in case she was contagious. Kathryn admitted she didn’t know because she had been too busy admiring her roses to listen to the Doctor.
He smiled and kissed the crown of her head instead. She closed her eyes and he read to her.
When she woke up hours later, they re-scheduled their date for the next evening.