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It starts after they are rescued and back at home. Lucy doesn’t really notice it at first, not really. She is too busy trying to stay on track herself. She should have realized it in the hospital when they brought them food but Tim didn’t eat any of it. He would act like he was going to and then he would drop his fork.
(She chalked it up to not liking the hospital food and she doesn’t blame him. At the same time, she was hungry and she knew she needed food).
But it never crossed her mind that he wasn’t eating at all. Their captors had given them something that looked like food but it wasn’t. Lucy ate and felt sick to her stomach but she had no idea if Tim did.
They are both busy getting ready to go back to work and Lucy decides to make a quick breakfast for them both.
“Here.” Lucy putting the plate in front of him. “It’s nothing big.” She comes around and gives him a kiss and then starts to walk away but he holds on to her.
“Thank you.” He says softly. She smiles at him, this was another thing. They couldn’t quite let each other out of their sight. Lucy always wanted to be near him and Tim was the same way. It had gotten better since they came home from the hospital.
(Tim demanded they be in the same room and wouldn’t let up until it happened).
But still—
She wonders what it was going to be like when they both went back to work to their own positions.
They would be fine.
“You are welcome.” She says. “I have to finish getting ready.” He nods and she leaves the room. It never occurs to her that he wouldn’t eat his food.
It never occurs to her to ask if he liked the food, or to check the garbage. She just goes on with getting ready.
Tim is fine.
They are fine.
Everything would be okay.
***
Lucy asks Tim to go to the lunch a few days later. Her fiancé has his head buried in some paperwork. She knocks on the door, and he looks up. He gives her a smile when he sees her but goes back to what he was doing.
“Hey,” Lucy says. “Do you want to get some lunch?”
“I can’t.” Tim says quickly. He looks up and gives her another smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Paperwork.”
“You have been working on that all morning babe.” She says. “You can—”
“I can’t.” He says his voice sharper than he probably meant it to be. He must realize it because his tone is softer when he speaks next. “I’m sorry Luce.”
“Okay.” She says. “Do you want me to bring you something?”
“No I got stuff.” He says. Lucy blinks at him, there’s alarm bells going off in her head.
He has stuff.
She tried to make him lunch the other day but he said no he has stuff at work.
“Stuff?”
“Snacks.” He says. “It’s fine Sergeant Chen. I don’t need a lot.” Tim was good about balancing his meals but this just seemed..odd.
“I can bring you back some of you favorite tacos.” Lucy because she knows Tim. She knows him better than he knows himself sometimes.
“Thank you but no.” Tim says and he looks up again. “I do appreciate it.”
“Okay.” Lucy says. “Are you okay?” She shouldn’t be questioning him here at work but she’s getting worried.
“I’m fine. Just busy.” He says. “I’ll see you later Sergeant Chen.” And that was her cue to leave, she backs away and turns around. She spots Celina and Miles.
They would definitely go to lunch with her.
***
“So I was thinking,” Lucy says when they are getting ready to leave the station. “We could have a date night tonight.” Tim looks over at her, a slightly panicked expression on his face.
“Tonight?”
“Yes.” Lucy says. “I know it’s last minute but we have been so busy getting back to work. We haven’t had time for each other.”
“I’m going to the gym.” He blurts out. Lucy raises her eyebrows, and she is a little confused. Tim never says no to date nights.
Ever.
But now that she thinks about it, they haven’t done anything since they got back home. They slept in the same bed, they cuddled and kissed and that was it.
“Tonight?” She asks. “Right now you are going to the gym?”
“Yes.” Tim says. She waits for a joke about how date night sounded better but it never comes.
“Oh.” Lucy says. “You had this planned.”
“A little bit.” Tim says. “I’m sorry Luce maybe another time.” He gives her a kiss and then walks out without another word.
***
Lucy is confused and worried, Tim usually invites her to the gym to workout with him. And then it turns into another workout. But she supposes since they aren’t having sex, that probably wouldn’t happen if he had invited her.
So she waits for him to get home, and when he does he looks even more tired.
“You good?” She asks him. She watches as he drops his gym bag, and wipes some sweat off his forehead.
“Yeah.”
“Did you go for a run?” She asks. Tim nods, and comes over to give her a small kiss. “After the gym?”
“Yes.”
“That’s a lot.” Lucy says. He usually chooses gym or run but not both. He knows his limits or at least he used to.
“I’m good. Just tired. I’m going to get ready for bed.” He says.
“What about dinner?” She calls after him.
“I took care of it.” Tim calls back. Lucy looks at her watch. 7:30pm. It wasn’t time for bed, not yet.
And he took care of it?
She doesn’t like that at all.
***
“You seem distracted.” Celina comments to Lucy at lunch (Tim once again turned her down). “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” Lucy says. “It’s Tim.” Celina frowns a little, but Lucy shakes her head.
“It’s not an us thing.” She says. “It’s him. I don’t think he’s eating. He’s working out so much. He turned down date night and sex—never mind.”
“That is weird.” Celina says. “I mean it’s Tim. He’s health conscious. Have you asked him?”
“He said he’s fine.” Lucy says. “And we got so close to doing something last night and he just—”
Celina raises her eyebrows. “I think you should talk to him.” She says. “I mean you both went through something traumatic. You didn’t want to be away from him.”
“Do you think he’s not eating because of the kidnapping?” She asks. “I mean—” She shakes her head a little and then sees Tim walking towards them.
He looks normal, if anything it looks like he has put on more muscle. But he’s paler than normal and he looks exhausted.
“Officer Juarez. Sergeant Chen.” He says.
“Sergeant Bradford!” Celina says and she gets up and grabs her food. “I’m sure Lucy wants your company more than mine.” Lucy shakes her head but she’s already walking off and Tim is sliding into her empty chair.
“Hi.” She says. “Did you want some food?”
“No,” Tim says. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” Lucy frowns at him.
“Sorry for what?”
“I haven’t been home.” He says. “I know I have been a little absent.”
“Yes you have.” She says. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on or—”
“Nothing is going on.” He says smiling at her. “I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I can’t wait to marry you.”
Lucy’s heart pounds in her chest, normally those words would send her butterflies but she doesn’t feel that. She feels dread. She is excited about marrying Tim too and she loves him no more than ever but—
“No.” She says. “You have been absent. You have been at the gym constantly. You go for runs multiple times a day. You don’t eat.”
“I’m fine Lucy.” Tim says calmly. He stands up and comes over to give her a kiss. “Do you want to come to the gym with me tonight?”
“Yes.” She says quickly. “I do.”
“Okay then. It’s a date.” He says and he gives her a wink before he’s walking off.
Lucy doesn’t feel relieved though. She just feels even worse. She was going to get to the bottom of this one way or another.
***
Tim does have food at the gym but it’s a protein shake and a protein bar. It’s hardly food in Lucy’s book. But she watches him as he goes to each machine. She tries not to stare because he does look good.
There’s just something off about him. She can’t quite put a finger on it. She can’t seem to get the fact that Tim isn’t eating. He’s working out every single day, and usually he has one rest day. He just isn’t himself.
“Like what you see?” Tim asks coming over to her.
“Always.” She says. She gives him a look over again and then smiles at him. “Are you sure you are okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He asks. “I’m great.” Lucy hums softly and she has a ton of questions for him but she just lets them hang in the air.
“Okay.” She says. “I’m going to get a drink of water.” Tim nods and she heads to where their stuff is. She grabs her water bottle, and then eyes Tim’s bag.
She looks over at him but he’s on a machine and not looking at her. She opens the bag and finds piles of protein bars, protein powder and a few other things.
She knew he wasn’t eating, at least not the way he should be eating. She knows something isn’t right.
She takes another sip of water and then heads over to Tim. He’s resting on one of the machines and looks up when she comes.
“Hey,” Lucy says before he can speak. “Why don’t I take you out to eat? We haven’t done that in awhile.” She watches his face to see if it changes but it doesn’t.
“I think we have stuff at home babe.” He says. He lays back down and starts lifting the weights.
“We do. I just thought it would be nice if we went out.” She says. Tim pauses and she goes over to spot him.
“Why?”
“Because I’m worried about you Tim.” She says. “I know you aren’t eating. I know you have been working out excessively. I’m worried.”
“I’m fine Luce.”
“Just saying you are fine doesn’t mean you are.” Lucy says. “I have been watching you.”
Tim puts down the weights and gets up. He motions her to follow him and she does.
He gathers his stuff and she gathers her. He doesn’t say a word until they are inside the truck.
It takes a few minutes before he starts talking and it’s like he has been holding it in. “I should have been able to stop those people—I should have been able to get us out sooner.” He says.
Lucy feels her heart drop to her stomach. He was blaming himself, so he wasn’t eating.
“Tim—”
“I didn’t eat when we were in there and maybe it was fine. I have been trained to be able to survive on very little.” He says. “But the guilt of not being able to get to you sooner or just putting you in that position in the first place.”
“It’s not your fault.” Lucy says. She had no idea this was eating at him, that it was causing him to not eat.
“But I’m the reason. You are the most important person in my life. They knew that. I put you in danger.” Tim says. “I guess I have just been feeling guilty. And I want to look and feel better.”
“Not eating will not make you feel better Tim. You need to eat.” Lucy says softly. She can’t believe she didn’t see this sooner. He had been burying this for so long.
”I know.” He says. “I realize that now. It wasn’t my smartest move.”
“You can’t literally kill yourself over this.” She says “You should have talked to me or someone.”
“You almost died. I almost died. We were both close to it Lucy. I would never forgive myself—” He stops when Lucy leans across the console.
“I’m not going anywhere Tim.” She says and holds up her hand. She has her engagement ring on like she always does (except work). She didn’t even want to take it off to work out. “Lucky for you we still have a wedding to plan.”
“Yeah we do.”
“I want my fiancé to be there for that. You are kind of important.” She says. Tim sucks in a breath and blows it out.
“I’m sorry.” Tim says. “I really was feeling guilty.” Lucy nods and gives him another kiss.
“This is a start,” Lucy says. “Now do you want to go out to eat?” Tim hesitates but then he nods.
“Yes.” He says softly. “I do.” Lucy lets out a relieved breath, this was a start.
This was a start.
***
The next few days and weeks Lucy noticed Tim getting better. He would eat more and he would take rest days. He threw out a lot of the protein bars that had just been sitting in his bag. He said he wanted a fresh start.
He slowly but surely was coming back to himself. He would actually go out on patrol when he could and he always said yes to lunch and date night.
Date night.
Lucy sighs happily as she looks in the mirror at herself. This was the first official date night that they were having… in months. Tim planned it all and wouldn’t tell her anything.
She doesn’t mind not knowing but she does know how this night will end so she dress accordingly.
She doesn’t hear Tim walk into the room but she does see him. He looks good in his shirt and dress jacket and dress pants. He had bulked up but it was in a healthy way this time. He stops in his tracks when he sees her. She missed him looking at her like that, she could finally see the spark coming back into his eyes.
“You look beautiful.” He says coming up behind her and wrapping himself around her. “If I didn’t have this whole night planned I would keep you home.”
“Mm.” She says. “That’s too bad.” He kisses her neck and then turns her around.
“You have something planned too huh?” He asks. She did. She knew him too well.
“I do.” She says. “And it’s underneath this dress but we have your thing first.” She slips out of his arms and dances away.
“Lucy!” He calls after her. She smiles to herself, she had the love of her life back. It wasn’t perfect but it was better than before.
***
Tim’s surprise is an engagement party that he apparently planned (with the help of Angela, Celina, Joy and Genny) behind her back. It was perfect and it was everything that she could have imagined.
Lucy figures this is why he’s been so secretive (but not suspiciously so) and why he didn’t give her any details about this date.
“You are sneaky.” Lucy says sidling up to him. “You planned all this?”
“I had some help but yes.” Tim says. “You deserve it. We should have had this right after we got engaged and then when we came home—”
“It’s perfect Tim.” Lucy says. He was still working through his guilt. It wasn’t perfect slow progress just like everything was.
But they were working through it.
“Good.” He says and he presses a kiss to her cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“We better do what you had planned.” He whispers and it sends a shiver down her spine. They were definitely doing what she planned one way or another.
“Hey,” Lucy says grabbing onto him. “We are both here. We are getting married.”
“Yeah we are.” He says and he kisses her again. She is aware there are other people in the room but for a minute it just feels like them.
Just the two of them, willing to stand by each other no matter what. No matter how hard it was or what a toll it took.
They would stand by each other.
Always.