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Luis reread the same passage from his history textbook for the fifth time. No matter how many times he went over the words he couldn’t remember any of the information. It was like the textbook was purposefully confusing, using words he’d never heard before and moving too quickly from subject to subject. He had tried to highlight important words and people but it all ended up just being a jumbled mess in his head. He couldn’t for the life of him remember any of the important treaty’s signed or when different laws were written.
Luis put his head down on his desk. It was useless. His test was tomorrow and he didn’t remember a single thing. He was going to fail and everyone was going to see how dumb he really was. Everyone who said he was just brawn was going to see that they were right. He couldn’t hide behind his strength for this. Everyone was going to see how stupid and pathetic he really was.
A knock at the door broke Luis out of his spiral. He wasn’t expecting anyone so that probably meant it was someone who needed his strength to help them. He groaned to himself. He really didn’t feel like helping someone move their car or whatever it was they wanted from him. He considered not answering but him seeming rude and on top of a failing grade probably wasn’t a good look. He could just answer and politely tell them to leave. With a sigh he pushed himself up and walked over to the door. He swallowed back his inner turmoil and put on his usual bright smile.
“Hey now’s not a great time- oh.” Luis cut himself off as he opened the door to reveal Max standing in the hallway. He relaxed instinctively a more genuine smile taking over. There was no need to put on a bright personality around Max. In fact Max hated it when he gave him a fake smile and always called him out on it.
“Sorry I didn’t know it was you, come on in.” Luis stepped out of the way to allow Max to enter.
“It’s alright, I just wanted to check on you.” Max studied Luis for a second before continuing, “We were all supposed to meet in the courtyard for a picnic but you never showed up.”
Luis’s smile faded. He had totally forgotten about the picnic. He had been so focused on the test that he hadn’t been thinking of anything else. Great so now he was a failure and a bad friend.
Max must have noticed the look on his face because he reached out and took Luis’s hand.
“Hey, it’s ok. No one’s mad, we were just worried about you. If you forgot it’s not the end of the world. We can just plan another.” Max squeezed his hand reassuringly as he spoke. Luis nodded along trying to believe the words. Logically he knew no one would be mad, especially if he explained that he had been studying, but his emotions weren’t on the same page. He couldn’t help the rising guilty in his throat, the feeling that he should be better.
Max stepped closer putting his other hand on Luis’s bicep.
“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong, you seem like something’s bothering you.” Max asked studying Luis again, like he was trying to read his mind. Luis took a second to push down his emotions before answering.
“I was just distracted by this history test I have tomorrow.” Luis gestured over to where his textbook sat open on his desk. He decided to leave out the part where he was absolutely going to fail the test. Max walked over and glanced down at the page he was reading. Luis followed to stand beside him. After a second of scanning the page Max looked back up at him.
“I could help you if you wanted.” Max offered. Luis hesitated. He knew Max would never judge him or call him stupid. Still he was afraid of someone else seeing him struggling, seeing that he wasn’t good at everything. Even if that person was his boyfriend, he still couldn’t stomach the thought of someone else witnessing his failure.
“I’m ok, I’ll figure it out.” Luis said trying not to let any emotion slip into his tone. Clearly he didn’t succeed though, because immediately Max raised an eyebrow at him.
“Are you sure. History isn’t my best subject but I could quiz you on some stuff.” Luis had to push down an unwelcome spike of annoyance. Sure history wasn’t Max’s best subject but that didn’t stop him from breezing through the class. Max skipped class and was still able to get a better grade than Luis, who studied every week.
“I’m fine, thanks.” Despite his efforts Luis wasn’t quite able to keep the bitterness out of his tone. Max pulled away from him at his words, and Luis felt more guilt wash through him. He couldn’t seem to do anything right today.
“Ok, if you don’t want help I won’t force you, but maybe we could talk, you seem stressed.” Max’s voice was still gentle but more guarded than before. Luis ran a hand through his hair. Damn Max for being able to read him so well. How was he supposed to admit to his boyfriend that he was actually a giant failure who couldn’t pass a basic history class.
“I just need to study for this test.” Luis looked down at the book “I think you should leave. I need to focus.” Luis kept his eyes trained on the page in front of him, not daring to face Max.
“Are you sure,” Max put a hand on his shoulder, “I can just sit and listen if you want.” Luis shook his head. There was no way he could admit all of the thoughts in his head right now. That would mean admitting how weak and stupid he really was.
“Just leave.” Luis shrugged Max’s hand off. Out of the periphery of vision he saw the flash of hurt on Max’s face and felt even worse. He was hurting his own boyfriend now. He really couldn’t get any worse.
“Fine if that’s what you want I’ll leave.” Luis didn’t look up as Max turned around and walked out. When he heard the door shut he sank down into his desk chair putting his head in his hands. A few stray tears escaped his eyes. He’d let down his friends, he was going to fail the test and he had just pushed away the person he loved because he was too scared to look weak. He really was a huge failure.
Luis should just drop the class. If he thought he couldn’t understand the words before they might as well be written in an alien language at this point. Between his own natural stupidity and his guilt over what had happened Luis couldn’t remember a single fact from the textbook.
He had been staring at it for the last three hours without really seeing anything. He couldn’t stay focused on the words long enough to gain any meaning. Every time he tried to read, his mind would drift away to everything that had happened. How he had let his friends down. How he had lied to Max. How he had pushed him away when he was only trying to help.
Luis felt tears prickle behind his eyes again. He tried to push them down. He had already cried twice in the last hours and it hadn’t helped anything. He highly doubted his vision being blurred with tears would help him focus on reading. Still he wasn’t strong enough and a few tears escaped running down his cheeks.
Something about that broke his resolve. He couldn’t handle this. He needed help, with his feelings, with his test, with everything. He hated the thought of admitting defeat. Admitting he couldn’t do something. But it was true he couldn’t do this, anyone who saw him as weak would be right. Still it was sort the risk of someone judging him if he didn’t have to sit alone crying again.
Only one person came to mind. He had offered to help before, Luis wondered if he was still willing to. After what Luis had done maybe he wouldn’t even speak to him. But what did Luis have to lose. If he pushed him away Luis could just add it to the endless list of his failures.
He pushed himself out of his desk grabbed the textbook and headed out the door before he could talk himself out of it.
Luis walked quickly down the halls not stopping to meet anyone’s eye. He didn’t want anyone to see his red eyes and ask if he was ok. When he reached Max’s dorm he knocked and a second later Max opened the door, pausing when he saw Luis. Luis tried to come up with something to say but in his rush to Max’s dorm he hadn’t planned out what to do when he actually got here. They just stood staring at each other before a voice cut in.
“Wow you look like shit.” Luis only now noticed Felix sitting on his bed behind Max. Felix was looking him up and down with a mix of emotions on his face. Luis didn’t have it in him to argue with the comment, Felix was probably right anyways, so instead he turned back to Max finally finding his voice.
“Max we need to talk.” Max didn’t say anything and didn’t move to invite Luis in. Luis had a sinking feeling that Max might just slam the door in his face. Felix looked between the two of them before standing up.
“I think it’s best if I leave. I’ll be in the Smee’s dorm if you need me.” As he brushed past Luis he gave him a nod which didn’t do a lot to boost Luis’s confidence, but something was better than nothing.
Once Felix left it was just the two of them. Luis considered if he should say something else but Max stepped aside and gestured for him to come in. A small weight was lifted from Luis’s shoulders, maybe he wasn’t a complete fuck up.
Luis walked in but ended up just standing awkwardly in the middle of them room. It was the first time in a while that he felt like he wasn’t fully welcome in Max’s space, like he was a stranger. He hated it. Max closed the door but just turned and leaned against it looking over Luis.
“He was right you look terrible.” Max said flatly.
“I know.” Luis admitted. He wanted to say more, to apologize, to admit he screwed up, to beg for forgiveness, but he couldn’t form any words. All the emotions got caught in his throat. He felt like he was drowning and couldn’t get a breath of air. The silence stretched between them as Luis struggled for anything to say, but Max ended up being the one to break it.
“Done studying?” He asked nodding to the textbook Luis was holding. Luis looked down he had completely forgot he had grabbed it. His first instinct was to lie and say yes, but rational thought took over quickly. Lying to Max was the last thing he should be doing.
“No.” Luis swallowed before continuing, “Actually I don’t understand it at all. I’m probably going to fail.” Luis waited for some judgement or ridicule, he would deserve it at this point. He couldn’t pass a basic history test without a full break down.
“Do you want me to help?”
Luis was momentarily shocked at the words. After how he had acted it was the last thing he expected to hear. He looked back at Max expecting some smirk or attitude, something to suggest he was making fun of him, but he wasn’t. Max was serious. He was actually offering to help Luis. Luis felt tears well up. The last thing he deserved right now was for Max to help him, yet he was offering to anyways. Luis couldn’t believe someone like that could love someone like him.
Luis forced the tears back. He needs to focus, he’d done enough crying today.
“Yes please.” He whispered.
Max just nodded and gestured for Luis to sit at his desk. Luis gratefully sat down and Max pulled up a chair beside him.
“Ok let’s start with the Treaty of Auradon.”
Luis finally understood what he was studying. It had only taken three hours, and lots of repeating the same things over and over. The one saving grace was Max, who no matter how many times Luis forgot the same concept, patiently walked him through it. He never made Luis feel stupid for not getting something. Luis thought he was being way too nice and he should just tell Luis what a dumbass he was, but whenever he tried to voice those thoughts Max shut him down and moved on to the next topic.
They had gone on like this for hours while the sun set outside the windows casting the room in a glowing light. Luis had honestly been distracted by the way the light had shown through Max’s hair highlighting the purple parts. It definitely hadn’t helped his studying.
Now the sun had long since set and they had finished studying by lamp light. Max finally closed the textbook in front of Luis.
“You’ve got it at this point. There’s no use in studying any more.” Luis had made only two mistakes on the last set of questions Max had asked him, but one part of his brain still whispered that it wasn’t perfect, that he could do better.
“Maybe we should go over it one more time, I think I could do better.” Luis tried to reason.
“Luis no.” Max said firmly before softening slightly, “It’s late. No matter how much studying you do it’ll be useless if you’re falling asleep during the test.”
Luis wanted to argue but he knew Max was right. He settled for nodding but didn’t move. Even though Max had helped him there was still so much unsaid between them. And if Luis was being honest he thought that as soon as he left Max’s presence he would break down. It was like Max’s kindness was the only thing holding him together.
Max seemed to sense his hesitation and looked around for a second before focusing back on Luis.
“You could sleep here tonight if you wanted.” He offered quietly. Luis stared at him blankly. There was no way he had heard him right. There was no way Max would tolerate his presence any longer. But when he met Max’s eyes there was no hesitation behind them. He seemed completely serious.
“Really?” Luis choked out not believing him. Max nodded.
“Felix is staying with the twins for the night so don’t worry about him.” There was an beat of silence before Max reached out and took Luis hand.
“I don’t want you to be alone right now.” He said softly. Luis felt a tear roll down his cheek. There was nothing he could have done to deserve someone this kind.
“Ok I’ll stay.” Luis agreed. Max gave him a small smile as he reached up to wipe the tear of Luis’s face. Max stood up not letting go of Luis’s hand. He lead him over to his bed and lay down pulling Luis down to his side. Luis rested his face in his neck and finally felt himself relax a little. After everything he’d done Max still wanted him, he wasn’t going to get kicked out.
Luis still couldn’t help but feel he didn’t deserve it though. He’d lied to Max then kicked him out when he tried to help, only to come crawling back when he needed someone else. And now Max was letting him stay the night because Luis was too pathetic to face his own problems alone.
As much as it pained him Luis pulled back and sat up. Max looked at him confused at the sudden shift. Luis swallowed trying to find any words that could fix the situation.
“Max I’m sorry.” It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t even close to what he should say but he couldn’t find anything else.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I should have been better. I shouldn’t have told you-“
“Luis stop.” Max cut him off firmly, sitting up. Luis looked at him bewildered, why would Max stop him? He knew he hurt Max when he kicked him out. He should apologize.
Max gently cupped his cheek.
“I know ok, and I’m not mad. You don’t need to apologize, but if you feel the need to, do it tomorrow after your test. Right now you need to sleep and bringing all those emotions back isn’t going to help. Ok?” Max spoke gently but his words left no room for arguments. Luis eventually just nodded knowing he couldn’t change Max’s mind. Max gave him a smile before pulling him to lay back down.
Luis relaxed against Max’s chest as his arms wrapped around him. Once he finally allowed himself to relax he realized how tired he was. All the emotions and attempted studying caught up to him and he felt sleep start to drag him under. He fell asleep to the feeling of Max’s fingers running through his hair.
Luis was bouncing up and down as he knocked on the door. The school books he was balancing in one hand almost fell on the floor with his shifting. The hallway was still pretty empty since class had just let out, other students heading to their lockers or to meet up with friends. Not all people bothered with class though.
The door swung open to reveal Max, his hair was slightly messy and his clothes dirty. He’d clearly just been working on some invention. He was still the most beautiful person Luis had ever seen. Luis didn’t wait for permission, he just pushed into the dorm room shutting the door behind him, quickly placing his books down on the desk.
“Luis what-“ Max started but Luis cut him off pulling him into a kiss. He wrapped one arm around Max’s waist the other around his shoulders. Max’s hands gabbed onto his shirt as he relaxed into the kiss. After a few seconds Max broke the kiss but didn’t step back.
“I’m going to take this as the test going well.” Max said with a smile.
“I was actually able to remember dates and names and stuff!” Luis said squeezing Max tightly.
“So you passed?” Max asked.
“We won’t know until next week, but yeah, I think I did.”
“Good.” Max said as he kissed him on the cheek, “I knew you could do it.”
“Thank you, for helping me study and all that.” Luis said sheepishly.
“Of course. I’m always here for you.” Luis smiled but looked down at the floor.
“Can I apologize now?” He asked quietly. Max gently lifted his chin.
“Like I said I’m not upset, but if you need to get it off your chest go ahead.” He said as he ran a hand through Luis’s hair. Luis leaned into the touch.
“I shouldn’t have brushed you off like that. You wanted to help me, and I definitely needed it. I should have listened to you. I’m sorry.” Max nodded as Luis spoke.
“I forgive you. You had a lot on your plate, I know you didn’t mean anything by it. You were stressed.” Max paused for a second, “Can I ask something though?”
Luis nodded. “Of course, anything.”
“Why did you tell me to leave?” Seeing Luis face Max quickly clarified.
“I’m not mad, I just want to know why you felt like you couldn’t talk to me. Is it something I did?” Luis shook his head before Max even finished.
“No you didn’t do anything. You’re amazing and kind and sweet. You’re perfect and beautiful and caring. It’s not your fault.” Luis couldn’t stand the idea that Max might think he had done something wrong when he had been nothing but supportive. Max nodded at the words blushing a little.
“Ok I believe you.” Max said turning away to try and cover the blush. It was useless given Luis still had his arms wrapped around him. Luis kissed the blush on his cheek. His favorite thing in the world might be making Max blush.
Max took a second but when he did turn back a slightly more serious mood returned.
“Why did you push me away then?” He asked. Luis swallowed. He didn’t know what to say. Like last night he didn’t have words to describe his emotions. How could he put into words all the ways he felt like a failure? How could he voice all his fears about people seeing him as weak?
Max’s hand was still running through his hair. He tried to focus on the calming sensation. He could do this. He tried to focus on the logical part of his brain. The part that knew Max wouldn’t judge him. The part that knew Max was just concerned for him. The part that knew Max could help him through this. He took a deep breath before speaking.
“I was afraid.” His voice broke but he continued on, “I didn’t want you to see me as weak, or a failure. Everyone has this image that I’m perfect all the time and never struggle with anything. I’m afraid of people seeing me as less than that.”
“You know I don’t think that though. I see all your flaws and I still love you. In fact I probably love you more because of them.” Max said. Luis felt his heart flutter at the words. They’d been together almost a year now and Luis still felt flustered whenever Max talked so bluntly about loving him.
“I know you don’t think that, but sometimes it’s like my brain won’t listen to rational thought. My emotions get to be too much and they drown out anything else. I can’t get myself to believe things I know are true. The negative thoughts just overwhelm anything else.” Luis had never voiced all those thoughts out loud. Hearing it he knew it didn’t make any sense but Max was nodded along like he understood completely.
“Is there anything I could do to help?” He asked. Luis shrugged.
“What you did yesterday was good, still helping me even if I couldn’t fully explain how I felt. And letting me stay over, I really needed that. You could also call me out if, you know, I’m not being reasonable.” Max nodded.
“You can always come to me if you need to. I won’t make you talk about anything, I can just be there.” Luis pulled Max back into a tight hug.
“Thank you. You’re so amazing, I’ll never understand how you’re mine.” Luis said into Max’s hair. Max giggled.
“Probably because you’re just as amazing.” Luis didn’t know if he could fully believe Max, but he wanted to. It didn’t matter anyway. He knew Max would just keep telling him until he was forced to agree.
Max pulled back giving a quick kiss to Luis lips before fully pulling away.
“We should celebrate since your test went so well.” He said while heading over to clean up all his tools that were laying out around his current invention.
“What were you thinking?” Luis asked while walking over to lean on the desk beside Max. Max thought for a moment before looking back at him.
“How about we go out for dinner? I heard a new restaurant opened up. Apparently they serve food from Wonderland.”
“I would love to go.” Luis honestly didn’t care what they did also long as he got to spend time with Max. Max finished cleaning up and brushed his hands on his shirt before looking down at the grease stains.
“I should probably change. I look a mess right now.”
“You look just as gorgeous as ever to me.” Luis said letting his eyes roam over his boyfriend. Max rolled his eyes but was clearly blushing.
“You would say that even if I was wearing a trash bag.”
“I would, because it’s true.” Luis agreed while stepping closer. He cupped Max’s jaw pulling him back into a kiss. His other arm wrapped around Max’s waist holding him firmly. He tilted his head slightly to deepen the angle. Luis had to admit one of his favorite activities was kissing Max. Max allowed Luis to kiss him for a bit before pushing him away. Luis pouted at the loss but Max just shook his head exasperated.
“I need to get changed. You may think I look fine, but you definitely have a biased opinion.” Max said while pulling away. Luis made a show of sighing but released the hand on his waist. He dramatically flopped down into the desk chair.
“Fine but be fast.” The fake annoyance in his voice couldn’t hide the genuine smile that stretched across his face. Max shook his head at Luis dramatics but was also smiling as he walked to his closet.