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Even’s least favorite thing about struggling with his mental illness was that despite being aware of it, despite being aware of all the textbook warning signs of his inevitable mania followed by a seemingly endless depression, he wasn’t able to control it at all. He tried, every time, to remind himself of the faulty wiring in his brain that seemed to highjack him whenever it felt like it, but it was always a futile effort. His brain did whatever it wanted anyway, taking him through clashing moods like waves on a shore.
He knew Isak tried, to the best of his ability, to predict Even’s highs and lows. At first it bothered him because he didn’t want to feel like he was being monitored. His whole life, he’d been used to people being afraid of him once they found out about his illness, afraid of his behavior which led to almost constant scrutiny, as if he was a ticking time bomb set to go off any minute.
He didn’t want to feel like he was someone who had to be constantly looked after or taken care of. It had felt like that with Sonja towards the end of their relationship, despite her good intentions. He didn’t want to reach that point with Isak or for Isak to grow tired of him, a dark thought that was always there at the back of his mind, tormenting him and reminding him that he was a weight on most people.
But after a while, he noticed that Isak wasn’t doing it to try to monitor him. It was his way of learning to be there for Even, learning what he needed and the little things he could do to help. Isak’s careful attentiveness and consideration made Even feel cared for without leaving him feeling like anybody was trying to control him. Because Isak didn’t want to control him. He didn’t try to prevent anything or tell him what to do. Isak was just there, with nothing but love and support.
He tried to make it easier on Isak, too. Despite being a naturally expressive person, Even found it especially difficult to share his thoughts and feelings when he was in a depressive state. He wasn’t sure why but part of it had to do with the fact that he didn’t think Isak would understand. He didn’t really think anyone would understand what goes through his head during his bad days and found that not voicing them was easier than having to explain them, even if bottling things up made him feel like he was about to burst.
But after a while, after noticing that Even was developing a habit of pushing him away when he needed him most, Isak pushed him, gently, to open up.
“People are like islands,” Isak says one day, his fingers in Even’s hair as they lay on his bed. “And the only bridge across to other people is through words.”
“That’s an awfully poetic thing for you to say,” Even replies, smiling up at him and watches Isak roll his eyes.
“Are you saying I’m not regularly poetic?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I’m the most poetic person ever!”
“You’re a true poet, stealing quotes from Tarjei Vesaas,” Even jokes and Isak playfully pushes him and they laugh. And Even can’t remember the last time someone got him to laugh during a depressive episode but Isak did.
“I mean it, though,” Isak continues, seriously, then softer, “Don’t push me away.”
And Even doesn’t because he doesn’t want to be a source of stress in their relationship and it doesn’t feel good to push Isak away. He doesn’t expect Isak to understand everything but knowing that he’s at least willing to try makes it easier for him.
...
Depression is a debilitating affliction, one that not only leaves the mind exhausted, but the body too. It doesn’t make the most sense, that a mental illness would leave the body affected as well, but depression feels like the brain consuming itself, folding in on itself through self-destructive thoughts and it only makes sense that it would have a physical toll on a person as well.
Even is all too familiar with that feeling. His mind starts to slow down, his thoughts become dark and foggy and sluggish and his body follows not long after. There are times where he forgets to eat and shower and lays in bed for hours at at time, sometimes days when it’s particularly bad.
They’re laying next to each other one day and Isak wants Even to talk but he hasn’t had the energy to speak since he woke up, a sign that it was going to be a tough day for him. He’s explained to him before though that he gets too tired to do anything and Isak hasn’t pushed him to talk, only occasionally reassuring him that he’s still there, that he cares about and loves him. He holds Even, running his fingers through his hair, riding out this bad wave with him.
“Remember when I told you that the only way to escape your thoughts was.. to die?”
Isak’s hand momentarily freezes in Even’s hair but resumes stroking again after a few seconds. Even sees him nod, and watching his expression carefully for any change but Isak is unreadable. His throat feels dry and he suddenly doesn’t want to talk about this anymore but he’s already brought it up and Isak is waiting.
“I’ve thought... I think about that a lot,” he says slowly, fixing his gaze on a small crack in the ceiling above him. He doesn’t want to say the word, doesn’t want to scare Isak, doesn’t want him to run away.
“Suicide, you mean?” Isak asks and Even closes his eyes and nods, feeling Isak’s hand leaving his hair and trail down his face then back up to his hair again. They’re silent for what feels like forever and Even is sure that Isak isn’t going to say anything anymore, is already mentally scolding himself for even bringing it up in the first place because no one is going to understand.
“I understand that it can feel like the only option sometimes,” Isak starts, breaking Even out of his train of thought. Eyes still closed, he feels Isak’s lips on the side of his face as he places a kiss there. “But there’s so much you still haven’t done. Like that movie about me.”
The corners of Even’s lips turn up slightly as he remembers ‘the boy who couldn’t hold his breath,’ recalling that moment underwater that would drastically change both of their lives for the coming weeks. He opens his eyes to see Isak’s face directly above his as he leans down to place a gentle kiss on Even’s lips. It’s brief and Isak pulls away with a more serious look on his face and Even looks away, feeling scrutinized after admitting out loud one of the darkest thoughts that run through his mind.
“Movie or not, though,” Isak pauses before continuing, “Your life is important. To me, to your friends, to your family.”
“I wish I could stop thinking for a while.” Even didn’t mean for it to come out as a whisper but it did and Isak lays back down, wrapping his arms around Even and pulling him close to his chest. Even lays his head down on Isak’s chest where he could clearly hear his heartbeat and tries to focus on that instead of the rush of negative thoughts in his head. Isak body feels warm against Even’s and he relaxes against him, feeling like he was the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart.
“I’ll be here to chase the bad thoughts away.” He feels Isak kiss his head gently. “You’re not alone. You never will be.”