Chapter Text
"...So you can play piano?" Sayeon broke the silence in the room.
Ryujin looked at her for a couple of seconds, surprised by a sudden question. "...Yeah? Why?"
Both of them were laying in their beds, minding their own business – Ryujin stared at the ceiling deciding what to do with her free time, and Sayeon was reading some sort of a book, laying on a pillow that she placed against the wall. Probably a really boring one though, Kang assumed.
"Where did you learn that?" Sayeon peeked from her book.
Ryujin raised her eyebrows in even more surprise. She looked away for a couple of seconds, thinking about something, and then rolled to face Sayeon, supporting her torso by an elbow. "What, you are suddenly interested in me, beside my gift?"
"You think I'm that cold?" Sayeon angrily slammed her book to her bed.
"You never were interested in my past or what I liked."
"I was, I just knew you would never just tell me about it so easily, so I didn't ask."
"Did you really, or did your gift tell you I won't answer?"
"My gift is telling me what to do, not what I shouldn't do."
"Okay, so did it tell you to ask me that right now?" Ryujin placed her chin on her hand, smiling.
"What? No. It seems like you don't want to answer even something so simple, so obviously, no, it didn't." Sayeon started moving her middle finger with her thumb but her hand frozed by Ryujin's answer.
"I'm just messing with you. I learned piano in the nest." Ryujin looked down to the bed sheets, and started rubbing them with her free hand. "There was an old woman, everyone, including me, called her Ms. Heo. She was really strict and I kinda hated that, but now, looking back, she was only making sure we're all safe. She was the one who taught me how to play piano."
She averted her eyes from bed sheets to Sayeon, who was actually listening to her, which made Ryujin's heart warm up.
"...So she was a part of family you lost?" The warmth didn't have time to spread before immediately fading after Sayeon's question. Suspicion replaced it.
"Yes?" She frowned, afraid that the other girl might say something extremely rude or use that information against her. Ryujin imagined what Sayeon could possibly answer and started to regret sharing something so sensitive already.
Sayeon noticed that and looked away, quietly thinking of what she should say next. "I was just really surprised when I found out you were playing the public piano."
Silence. Lee felt guilty for making her roommate react that way, she had no ill intention. She wished she had more experience talking to people, because sometimes she just sucked at it. The quiet room only made her spiraling worse. She remembered she used to think that if you want to use people you should stay emotionally detached, but she just couldn't. Ryujin's opinion was too important to her.
Kindness not only can be useful, but also something she wanted to be worth, and she failed again. Maybe she should rewind again.
"Did you like it?"
"Huh?" Sayeon looked at Ryujin in surprise.
"The song. I haven't played in a year, so maybe I was rusty." Ryujin was playing with wrinkles on her bedsheets again, not looking at Sayeon. She looked a little shy, which was hard for Lee to believe.
"...I did. But, um, I know literally nothing about music, so I have no idea what compositor this was, but it was nice."
"Yeah, there's no way you don't know this one." Kang smiled, trying not to giggle.
"Well, I can just tell you the ones I remember from history class, maybe one of those? Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Vivaldi?"
"Nah."
"Well, I don't know any more." Sayeon shrugged in frustration. Their eyes meet.
"It was my own song."
"Oh. Wait, really?"
"Mhm." Ryujin looked down again. "When I saw the piano, I was, uh... A little bit emotional, so I couldn't play any of the compositions ms. Heo taught me. But I couldn't just not play at all, either. So I decided to play my own song."
"...It was really nice."
"Woah, now it's 'really' nice, huh? You want to get on my good side so bad?"
"I really liked the song, Ryujin. I'm not lying. Besides, I think it might be a good thing you drew attention to yourself. Someone from naj cult could've seen you."
"I don't care about the Naj cult, to be honest."
"Yeah, I know... I just wanted to say that you did a good job. Thank you." Sayeon visibly became smaller by awkwardly hugging herself.
Ryujin stopped frowning and instead raised her eyebrows.
"...So, you want to talk some more?"
"Huh?"
"If not, then I'm going for a smoke. Thank you for letting me buy them, by the way. I still have some."
"Again, I was just being nice."
"Yeah, being nice suits you."
The silence met their ears again. Ryujin sat on her bed, reading it as permission to leave the room.
"...Does that mean you want to take this zone with piano next time, too?" Sayeon spoke.
"I would love to."
"And you'll play your song again?"
"So I'm guessing you do want to talk more?"
"...Yes." Sayeon shyly admitted.
"I don't know what im gonna play. Depends on my mood." Ryujin stood from her bed and walked to Sayeon's.
"...What?" She asked, being confused by a sudden approach.
"Your scar. I was curious why the hell did you do that, tell me. " Ryujin sat near Sayeon, looking at her covered in fabric arms, hoping that Lee would show them to her.
"Naj followers believe that their god will choose a vessel and give them this mark" Sayeon rolled up her sleeve, "So I wanted to pretend like I'm the chosen one. And Jinhee believed me. You saw everything."
"Did you really... Ouch."
"I've felt worse stuff than this." Sayeon rolled down her sleeve back.
"You're crazy."
"I'm not." Sayeon looked at Ryujin's hand. "You have scars, too."
"Hm." Ryujin stared somewhere, probably at Sayeon's sleeves. "Where did you even get that information in the first place?"
"...I looked at your hand?"
"I meant about naj people." Ryujin glanced at her.
"Ah. They gave me access to computers, so I did some research."
"When? We're busy throughout the day. Did you do your research at night?"
"Yes." Sayeon answered quickly, and Ryujin stared at her for some time, before continuing speaking.
"...Well, that explains why you looked so damn tired."
"I'm used to not sleeping during nights."
"Why?"
"I studied."
"That's stupid." Ryujin smiled and laid down near Sayeon, supporting her torso by an elbow. Lee continued laying on a pillow that she placed high enough so she was practically in a sitting position. "Aren't you supposed to be really smart? Sleep deprivation causes some... I don't know. Brain damage. Everyone knows that."
"I studied. The reason I'm 'smart' is because I studied a lot. Sometimes even during nights. I've been fine so far."
"I'd argue with that." Ryujin laughed a bit. Sayeon stared a little.
"Well... Were you home schooled? Or did you go to school before nest?"
"Home schooled."
"Ms. Heo was teaching you?" Lee tried to test the waters and mention that name.
"...Yeah, but not only her. And I'm not going to go into details about that topic. Not in front of you. Were you like... The smartest in the class or something like that?"
"Yes, I was. I even scored... Number one in our whole school for as long as I can remember. "
"Why did you hesitate just now?"
"Not telling you either."
"Ha." Ryujin hit her head against Sayeon's pillow, which was big enough for her to do so. "I'm not surprised." Their eyes met, and Kang saw the surprise in the dark one's after that move. "What, am I crossing boundaries?"
It certainly felt weirdly unusual having Ryujin laying near her elbow, on her pillow, looking up to her. On her own initiative.
"No, you're fine, I'm just not used to... You know."
"I'm not used to you acting like a normal human being, too. You didn't say anything evil so far, incredible."
"I'm not evil..."
"I feel like you are. I mean, have you forgotten all the shit you've pulled so far? But it's... I think you're trying not to be that way, or something like that. Sometimes you're actually okay." Judging by her unpleasant tone, Sayeon noted to herself one more time that Ryujin really does not trust her. "One more reason to, you know... Not hating you. Since that bothers you."
"...Thanks."
"What was that book about?" Ryujin quickly changed the topic, not in an awkward way, but in a way that she was curious about it for a while and finally got the chance to ask.
"Oh, that's... Nothing interesting, I just write my thoughts in it."
"You have a personal diary? I've never seen you write in it."
"Not exactly a diary. I write my plans, strategies, and important information in it, not my feelings. I was just rereading some stuff."
"Woah, can I see, then?" Ryujin smiled.
"N-no, I'd rather you not. Iseul saw it once, and he didn't understand a thing, so there's no point."
"Are you embarrassed? Bad handwriting?" She said mockingly.
"It's just... Sigh. Fine. Here." Sayeon gave her a red journal.
Ryujin took it and placed it near her and got up a little by laying on her arm just so she can read, while still laying. She opened some random page.
"What the hell." Kang said slowly to herself, while flipping pages of abstractial drawings. "No wonder he didn't understand a thing. What is that? Your thoughts? It looks like... Just random words that sometimes are in a circle, a lot of random arrows and... Are that supposed to be us?" She stopped and pointed at some mysterious symbols.
"It's, uhh... Yeah. You're a circle, Iseul is a triangle and Min is a square." Sayeon leaned a little bit closer, so she could see what she's asking about.
"And you are a cross?"
"Yes. I've made all of that unreadable on purpose, so no one except me can understand it. Would be bad if someone could read my thoughts." She attempted a smile.
"Well, now I can. A little bit." Ryujin started flipping through pages again, trying to find something she could understand. "Are you going to change the way you code us now so i can't understand?"
"...No. Why would I do that? I trust you."
Ryujin glanced at her for a second after the last sentence, and then returned to look into the pages. Sayeon's heart skipped a beat because of anxiety – she didn't understand that glance. Saying that was so unnecessary, she thought.
"Is there a reason why I am a circle?"
"No."
"Really not? I thought, maybe, because of my eyes." Ryujin looked at Sayeon.
"Ah, well..." Sayeon stared at her lucy's eyes, thinking. "Maybe subconsciously."
"I get why Min is a square, though. Just feels right. Iseul being a triangle somehow feels logical, too." Ryujin pointed at said doodles, explaining.
"Are you trying to say that my coding is predictable?"
"I'm not trying to say anything in particular, just thinking. It's interesting to me that you're a cross."
"Why?"
"Don't know. A cross feels negative, especially when you mark someone as a cross. Maybe, subconsciously, you-"
"No, we're not doing that." Sayeon interrupted her.
"Jeez, okay."
"There's not that many variations of doodles that you can draw quickly, you know? What, do I mark myself as a... Hexagon?"
"I got it, cross is convenient."
"I mean, rhomb is not a bad option, but... Kinda looks like a square if I'm doodling too fast."
"I got it, glasses. No need to be so defensive." Ryujin finally closed the book and handed it to Sayeon.
"...Told you it was nothing interesting." Lee took the book and placed it on the drawer, and then returned to her previous position. Ryujin obviously did not trust her as a friend. The only trust Kang has is on Lee's gift and intelligence, nothing more. Knowing that Sayeon felt both weird and happy seeing her willingly lay so close to her. Maybe this conversation wasn't a mistake, after all.
"It was interesting, though. Like, I knew your thoughts were hard to read, but seeing that with my own eyes... Wow."
"Why do you keep bringing me being difficult, please." She said quietly in frustration.
"What, no one ever told you these things before?"
"Well... Not to that extent."
"You tell me how lazy I am and you're asking if I'm stupid." Ryujin explained her own honesty.
"...Fair." Sayeon indeed does think those things sometimes. No one would be happy to hear that, obviously. She thought about explaining the 'are you stupid?' quote, because she didn't think Ryujin was actually stupid, she just said that on emotions. But she was interrupted even before she opened her mouth.
"I keep my word, so. I'm going to keep listening to your orders, maybe you'll be less angry at me."
Sayeon is bad at reading other's emotions. She thought it was weird for Ryujin to care if she's angry with her, so she made a guess it might bother her. Somehow. She's not going to ask why.
"I am less angry at you already. I mean, I never actually hated you or thought of you as my enemy. We have very different views on aberrant corps, so our fights are natural."
They looked at each other for a moment.
"Argh." Ryujin hid her face in the pillow and slightly punched it. "All of this sucks so much. I'm sick of thinking how fucking unfair this damn system is. Maybe, you know, if we weren't forced to join the corps... We could actually be friends, or something."
Sayeon didn't answer, and Ryujin kept her face hidden. Then, after a few long seconds of silence, Kang felt something slightly touching her hair. She thought that she imagined it, but the movement became more clear quickly. Sayeon played with her hair. Ryujin turned her face a little, just so she could see the other girl's expression.
"What, are you feeling lonely?" Ryujin teased, smiling.
"I thought, um... That, maybe-" Sayeon's cheeks became pink and she took away her hand, keeping her thumb next to her middle finger. "You moved next to me, because... Argh, was that too much?"
"No, it was actually perfect. It felt nice."
Sayeon clearly didn't expect that answer, she was shocked. After hesitating a bit she continued touching purple hair really carefully, because she was afraid to brush her ear by accident. She was nervous for some reason, she couldn't explain to herself why. Ryujin hid her face into the pillow again, and some time had passed before Sayeon decided to voice her suspicion.
"Are you lonely? Since you allow me to do this." This was the only explanation for her strange behavior she could think of. Besides, Ryujin was the first one to say that outloud.
People think of others what they think about themselves. Sayeon got hurt when Ryujin told that to her, because she was right. Despite the pain she felt she must keep learning, so why not use that new knowledge now. With good intention by trying to understand her cellmate better. And then, as a reward, maybe... Just maybe she could earn her trust. That will benefit everyone.
Sayeon let her fingers trace a whole strand of hair.
"Yeah. I mean, I didn't move to your bed because my hearing is bad."
Sayeon was surprised by being right.
"...That's what I thought, too."
"You're smart, then."
While slowly playing with Ryujin's hair, Sayeon experimentally petted her head a little bit. Seeing no rejection, she continued, while tracing her short hair in her fingers, and Kang moved closer to the touch. Sayeon's heart started to beat faster, it was difficult to explain why, since she already knew Ryujin was just feeling lonely, her actions shouldn't confuse her anymore. Especially since Sayeon was the one who started touching her hair.
"Hey, um..." Sayeon started speaking, but quieter this time, as if she could scare away what they had right now. "If we were ordinary humans, and not aberrants... Who do you think you'd be? Or more like... What would you want to do?" Ryujin turned her face a little bit again, just so she could talk.
"I hate thinking about it. These types of thoughts just make me feel even more miserable."
"Oh, I'm..."
"But to answer your question, I'd like to play piano. Are you surprised?"
"If you told me this before yesterday I wouldn't have believed you. You don't look like the type who enjoys classical music." Sayeon smiled while still playing with Ryujin's hair.
"Ha. Yeah. What about you?"
"I don't listen to music."
"No, I meant.. Wait, what? You don't?"
"I'm not saying that I don't enjoy listening to it, as I have said, I liked your song. I just... Never had the time to actually listen to it, because I was studying all the time."
Sayeon took a purple curl and rolled it with her fingers, as if she was scientifically observing it. Then rubbed the hair a little bit to test its smoothness. Her curly hair probably needed some more specific products than what the corps was giving them, she thought. Not that she knew. Her hair was straight, so she wasn't an expert at all, she was just guessing.
"...Did you really just study your whole youth?" Ryujin said with some sadness in her voice.
Sayeon stopped touching Ryujin's hair and placed her hand just near her. That hurt her, yet she didn't want to show it.
"That was the cost." She tried to speak calmly.
"Sorry, didn't want to destroy the mood." And Ryujin understood what she was trying to hide again.
"No, my fault for talking too much."
"It wasn't bad, actually." Ryujin rolled to lay on her back, facing the ceiling. "Talking to you."
Silence became extremely awkward this time.
Sayeon was expecting her visitor to leave already. But Kang stayed. So again, slowly, Lee's hand approached the other face, and started to play with her bangs. From this movement Ryujin's long eyelashes reflexively twitched.
"Am I wrong or... You have something to say? I just can't really understand why you are still near me, even after things got awkward... Conversation has ended."
"Just feels nice."
"No way. To be honest, sometimes it's really hard for me to understand you. You don't hate me, but you clearly dislike me and you don't trust me. Yet, for some reason, it's like, I don't know.." Sayeon started twirling Ryujin's hair with her fingers. "You act like this. I'm not against it, obviously, I'm just extremely confused. You said you were lonely, but that doesn't really explain things to me."
"Did you know that when you think about something you twirl your hair like crazy?" Kang smiled.
"Can you answer the question...?"
"I can't understand you, too. You act like you know better, like you have a plan for everything and I'm just a lazy brat that just happens to be your cellmate, you clearly dislike me. I wasn't a comfortable tool for you up until recently. Why do you seek validation from me, then? Why are you so nice, all of a sudden?" Ryujin looked at Sayeon, filled with different incompatible emotions, and one of them was betrayal. "Is it because you want to use me for your schemes so badly?"
"That's what I was talking about. You don't trust my intentions, yet you said "just feels nice" just now. I don't understand. Maybe you're lying to me right now about feeling lonely? My gift is insanely useful, too. Is that the reason why you are trying to become close?"
"Bullshit." Ryujin hissed, Sayeon immediately got that she was wrong. "Answer my question."
"That-! Ryujin, I won't deny that I want you to participate in my plans, it's true. It's one of the reasons I want your trust. But..."
"What are the other reasons, then? Can you even name those?"
"If you distrust me so much, why did you lay in my bed and... What was all of that just now? Why are you-?"
"Fuck, Sayeon. Because I want to trust you. I try to, but you're making things difficult. As always."
Sayeon snapped her fingers.
But Kang stayed. So again Lee's hand approached the other face, and started to play with her bangs. From this movement Ryujin's long eyelashes reflexively twitched.
The memories from her rewind were flooding her head, thank god they both weren't speaking right now, so Sayeon had some time to stomach the information she had just heard. She didn't feel like they were fighting just now, which made things easier to process.
Ryujin wanted to trust her. Sayeon always knew that she doesn't have her trust, there's nothing unexpected about it. But she never even considered the possibility that Ryujin wanted to change that, to try and trust her, Ryujin wanted that too. She couldn't help but smile, feeling her heart flattering from happiness, her cheeks warming up in excitement. She actually had the chance to earn her faith, if she'll continue to be nice.
Sayeon appreciated how she could twirl purple hair as if she was twirling her own. She was afraid that by doing so Ryujin might accidentally read her thoughts through that. When Lee recognized it she giggled a bit because of how silly that fear was.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Nothing. When I think a lot I twirl my hair, so I just had a thought that by playing with your hair you are going to read my mind somehow."
"I will try my best. I feel that you've been thinking a lot. Literally. Got me curious about what exactly."
"You wouldn't understand."
"You said I wouldn't understand your dairy, too. And look, I recognized your doodles being us. Isn't that impressive? Maybe I can understand more."
"I literally told you about what those doodles meant. And that's not a diary."
"No shit. If you gave me some time to think about who's who, I would 100% get everyone right."
"Okay. That's 1% of all the things that are written here. Do you think you'd understand more, if given some time?" She smiled.
"Have no idea. I remember there was a lot of math, too, and I'm bad at math. So maybe I could understand 5% of your diary at best. Just like humans explored the ocean."
"Math is simple."
"How." Ryujin furrowed in disbelief. "You're the first person who ever said that."
A smile immediately disappeared from Sayeon's face. An image of him immediately popped into her head, his voice reached her ears, the hidden pain stabbed her insides again.
She suddenly remembered one more thing from her last rewind.
What are the other reasons, then? Can you even name those?
"Sayeon? Are you in disbelief that not everyone understands math, or what?"
"Oh, um... Yeah. To me it was the easiest subject in school."
Sayeon both loved and hated when Ryujin reminded her of him. Loved, because the resemblance made her remember those days when they were hanging out together, when she could let her guards down and laugh at everything he was saying, the only good memories she had in her youth. Something she wished she could rewind, to bring back.
And hated, because she knew she couldn't.