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“con!” fraser laughs, grabbing the pillow i threw at him and placing it perfectly on the bed.
it was one of those nights in my vancouver apartment, the kinds where i would invite my best friend over and we would just exist together.
we’ve done it for as long as i can remember, even when it was just in my childhood room.
when i would do something stupid, fraser would just clean it up and laugh.
”god, i’m so tired.” i yawn, exaggerating my stretch to make him chuckle.
and he does, he lets out a light, genuine chuckle.
”alright, bedsy. let’s get to sleep.” he smiles, guiding my back towards my room. which the location of i guess he already has memorized.
the air in my room is cold, but fraser’s presence instantly warms it up.
his hand stays glued to my back, gently pushing me into the bathroom.
he grabs my toothbrush and places the perfect amount of toothpaste on it.
”here,” fraser holds it out in front of me, smiling.
”thanks.”
i brush my teeth as i notice him grabbing a toothbrush in a separate cup and using it.
it’s not an extra for me, because i told myself it would be for a special guest.
but i guess fraser was always that special guest.
it kind of makes me smile, honestly.
because i’ve known for almost two years that i like him. it was at this christmas party that macklin hosted, somehow inviting a bunch of young nhl stars into one house.
fraser and i were sitting on the couch, unexpectedly close.
mack forced everyone to watch some cheesy christmas romance movie, that apparently is one of the best ever according to him.
my left leg was on top of fraser’s right leg.
my head leaned against his shoulder, while my hair dug into the side of his neck.
it was comfortable, he was warm.
i felt how his breath hitched ever so slightly when they kissed, his finger lightly brushed on the side of my thigh. which made my heart flutter.
in the movie, the guy described the girl to his dad or something, talked about how beautiful she was.
he over explained every single detail about her, but said he just couldn’t help but notice.
then he explained how he knew he fell in love with her.
“when i missed her so bad my heart hurt. when she was the only person i wanted to see. when i became dependent on her texts and calls.”
something about that stupid christmas movie made me realize it.
i really do like fraser. i think i always have.
i hold my toothbrush under the running water, spitting it out into the sink.
my steps towards my bed are strong, but still tired.
i’m already wearing a pair of thin sweatpants, so i grab the hem of my t-shirt and pull it over my head in one quick motion.
i throw the grey t-shirt somewhere on the floor, assuming i’ll just clean it up later.
like the perfect guy he is, fraser slowly bends down and picks it up. he finds an empty clothes hanger in my closet and hangs it up.
”you were never going to pick that up,” fraser chuckles a little, although his gaze just slightly drifts to my bare chest.
”you know me too well.” i smile, grabbing a hoodie off of my bed and sliding it over my torso.
i can feel fraser’s eyes on me the whole time.
maybe even a small laugh if i listened hard enough.
”you know that’s mine, right?”
huh. i didn’t really think of it.
but now that i know that? i’m never taking this off.
”oh. well, you’re too slow.”
he lets out a playful scoff, as i feel his essence through his clothing.
it feels amazing, the only word i could think to describe it is home.
still exhausted, i slide into my bed. i lie on the right side so fraser can sleep next to me, on the left.
for as long as i’ve known fraser, we’ve always slept together.
not like hook ups, but just regular sleepovers.
i’ve never told anyone because there was no reason to. but mostly because we’re not dating and people would think it was just weird or gay. or both.
i let out a relieved sigh as the bed consumes me.
a couple seconds later, i feel a dip in the bed, and a warm silhouette is lying next to me.
”frase.”
”connor, go to sleep.” he smiles, moving our bodies closer until his nose is in my hair.
“mhm.” i start to doze off, exhausted from the long day.
it’s a comforting silence as fraser slightly moves, to the point where his face is centimetres away from the side of my neck.
i can feel his warm breathing, giving me a sense of security before sleeping.
”you’re so beautiful, con. i love you.” he whispers slowly. his thumb brushes over my chin and he gently kisses my cheek as a sleeping breath escapes my lips.
~
the early morning sun shines through my window, the brightness catching me off guard.
but there’s something missing. the bed is lighter and not as warm.
fraser.
i tap the bedsheet next to me, realizing he really is gone.
”huh.” i sit up on my bed, rubbing my eyes.
i reach for my phone on the nightstand, checking for any messages.
fraser
hey
had to go
my mom needed me to do something
oh.
it hurts a little bit, but it really shouldn’t.
so i pretend like it doesn’t. i send back a casual text. i mean, it does sound like something she would do.
connor
oh yeah
no problem
*seen just now*
huh.
the ‘seen just now’ slowly turns into ‘seen an hour ago’ as i scroll on reels to distract myself.
wait.
did he really say that?
”you’re so beautiful, con. i love you.”
the words echo through my mind.
was it a dream? it felt so real.
that one sentence replays in my mind hundreds of times, while i wish i stayed awake for just one more minute.
yeah, no. it was definitely real.
”holy shit.” i uncontrollably smile, leaning against my bed frame.
he actually said that he likes me. no, he loves me.
fraser minten said that he loves me. fraser minten kissed me.
i can barely register it. it’s honestly so hard to believe.
but this is insane, he likes me.
i’m so excited that i barely think, grabbing my keys and sprinting to my car.
halfway through the drive, at a red light, i realize it’s probably not the best time. didn’t he say he was helping his mom?
maybe i should tell him later.
but…do i even want to tell him?
what if he was just really tired? or joking?
no. he definitely said he loves me.
”fuck it.” i mumble. no more hiding. it’s so painful pining and waiting for him to do something.
so obviously i should do something.
ignoring the ‘seen 2 hours ago’ under my last message, i type again.
connor
could we meet tonight?
fraser
yeah
sure
i’ll come over
connor
are you free after 8?
fraser
i am
i’ll be there
connor
okay :)
*seen 9 minutes ago*
i don’t really think of the fact that he’s leaving me on read, although sometimes he gets mad when i do it.
well, maybe not mad.
but i think he said something like,
”why are you ignoring mee.”
in one of the whiniest voices i’ve ever heard, which i just laughed at.
because i thought it was so cute. i thought everything about him was cute.
i love his nerdy hobbies, his fierce personality on the ice, and how damn good he looked in blue.
~
there’s a knock at my door.
i check my phone for the time. 7:59
half a second later, it flickers to 8:00
i chuckle seeing the perfect timing of fraser, as i run to the front door.
my fingers excitedly grasp the handle and swing the door open.
fraser is standing there in his black bruins zip up hoodie and sweatpants.
and god, he’s wearing glasses.
my breath slightly hitches, but he doesn’t smile. actually, he seems kind of upset.
”come in,”
“oh, yeah.” he mutters, stepping into my apartment and finding his way towards the couch.
“long day?”
”you could say that. i met mckenna.”
”oh cool! i met him a couple weeks ago.” i smile, although fraser’s lips barely move.
the silence stretches, as fraser doesn’t respond like he usually does. he just awkwardly sits on my couch as if we weren’t cuddling just last night.
”why’d you want to see me?”
”oh. i-uhm…” i stutter, nervously scratching the back of my neck.
”you can tell me anything.” he says flatly, although i can feel he means it.
his words comfort me, giving me the courage to actually do it.
”fraser, i like you. i like you way more than a friend.” i let out a light chuckle.
i don’t look at fraser’s expression. instead, i keep talking.
”you’re so sweet and i honestly just-“
”what the fuck?” he snaps.
my heart sinks to the bottom of my chest. i look up at him, his brows furrowed and his face disgusted.
”i’m not fucking gay, connor.”
”but- i thought-“
”what, you thought since i’m a nerd i must be gay? fuck you.” he stands up, walking towards the exit.
”wait! fraser!”
i follow him, full of panic and fear. “fraser!”
the door slams in my face, just the echo of his yells and my desperate pleas left.
what?
he’s not gay?
but then what was last night?
he said he loved me. he kissed me.
i may have drifted off, but i know that was real.
i’m not fucking stupid.
before i know it, tears are streaming down my face, staring at the closed door.
the apartment still smells like him, his hoodie still in my closet.
fuck.
i find my way to my bed, the one fraser and i shared just 24 hours ago.
the bed feels lighter without him, it feels colder without him.
i sob into my pillow, sniffling and just letting go. my cries echo through my bedroom, the only sound heard.
i didn’t want to make him feel like…however he feels. i didn’t want to assume that he was gay, but i’m 90% sure he hooked up with a guy once.
and i don’t think he’s a nerd, i think he’s perfect.
i don’t care if it’s nerdy, i love the way he does just about everything.
but i guess that doesn’t matter now, because now he hates me. i completely ruined everything, especially myself.
with tears pretty much drowning my pillow, i drift off to sleep easily.
i’ve always slept better after crying, whether it was a brutal loss or comforting fraser when he got cheated on.
but i think i just slept better that time because he was with me.
~
i wake up in the morning with a bitter taste in my mouth, probably since i forgot to brush my teeth.
i also wake up with no memory of fraser saying he loved me back last night, probably since it didn’t happen.
all i can think of that it would’ve happened if he liked me back.
but of course, i was stupid for thinking that. he’s not gay, i should’ve known better.
as i sit up, i feel a wave of sadness, maybe even anger.
i fucked up. i fucked up so badly.
but i could’ve sworn he liked me back.
shit. i need to stop thinking of what could’ve been.
i grab my phone from the nightstand and dial a certain number i have memorized.
”west side arena, what can i do for you?” an unusually enthusiastic worker says, especially since it’s 5:30am.
”oh, uh. is there ice available now?”
”yep!” she says, typing something on her computer. “and what time would you like?”
”like 6?”
”6 is perfect! it is available for…three hours. no flood.”
”sounds good.”
”name?”
”bedard.”
”is that your first name?”
”no.”
”what’s your full name?”
”connor bedard.”
”oh. okay.” her fingers continue typing. “we’ll put that on your card, mr bedard.”
”thanks.” i hang up, the cold air in my room making me shiver a little.
i throw the blanket off my lap and slowly get to my feet.
i quietly sigh as i walk towards the kitchen counter, barely any light shining through the window.
~
“bedard?” the worker at the arena asks.
“that’s me.”
he throws me a key to the locker room, which falls to the ground in front of me.
“sorry.” he mutters before walking out of the rink.
i bend down and pick it up, feeling the cold floor of the rink brush against my fingers for a split second.
i came here to forget. i came to the one place where i knew i could forget.
the key effortlessly slips inside the lock, unlocking it from the inside as i turn it.
the door swings open.
a dark, cold locker room stands in front of me. hundreds of celebrations and quiet moments after losses linger in the air of it.
but right now, it’s just me.
it’s just me and my hollow fucking heart.
i dump out all my equipment on the ground, way too exhausted to look for anything.
i put on my equipment almost robotically, my mind stuck on last night’s conversation with fraser.
i remember how angry he looked and the lame excuse he made up.
i’ve known him my entire life, he knows i don’t think he’s a nerd.
maybe i’ve called him one before, but he knows it’s all jokes.
so why the fuck bring it up now?
i groan as i tightly pull on my rough skate laces, scratching my skin. my fingers tense up in the cold rink.
finally, i shove on my helmet and gloves. i grab my stick and jump onto the ice.
the ice is fresh and smooth, the nets already set up. but i don’t have any pucks, and i don’t plan to shoot or anything like that.
i position myself on the blue line, taking a deep breath in.
”okay.” i mutter to myself.
i tap my stick on the ice three times, like a countdown. on the third tap, my feet accelerate, zooming past the net before pumping my legs even harder.
i make it to the other side of the ice in quick, hard strides.
the ice cracks as i dig my blade deeper into it through every stride.
for some reason, my mind completely blocks out the several laps i’m doing around the ice, and instead echos fraser’s voice.
”fuck you.”
i can’t believe it. he told me three different things and said “fuck” in all of them.
i blink, slightly returning back to reality, but i lost count of the amount of laps after the first one.
the split second behind the net when i’m not skating is relieving. it’s just a short second when im gliding, but it feels like a break.
but as soon as i get around it, i rapidly push my legs even harder.
just as i’m about to reach a corner, i miss a stride and come tumbling down.
i crash into the boards, hitting my shoulder.
thankfully, it’s not actually too hard.
i easily get back up, but i immediately notice how weak my legs feel. how they’re probably half a pound of pressure away from collapsing.
my breathing becomes shaky and irregular, trying to compose myself as i take a slow lap around.
as soon as i see my skate touch the blue line, i accelerate. my legs fly through the ice, moving so fast i can barely register it.
i pump my legs faster, trying to forget whatever the fuck fraser was saying.
i think it works because my next thought is how close i am to the corner.
but honestly, i have no idea how many times i’ve skated around. maybe 2-3 times after my forced break.
in total? i don’t have a clue. i just know that i’m exhausted.
i line myself on the goal line.
before i know it, my feet are striding hard and quick.
i pump my arms too, feeling the cold wind hit my face the faster i go.
it relieves the beads of sweat dripping down my face, but i can feel my entire body shaking.
i aggressively stop at the opposite red line, before skating even harder back.
i guess i can see why they call it suicides. i can barely breathe, and when they do come out they’re heavy and forced.
my movements start getting sloppy, which honestly just pisses me off more.
i slam my stick on the ice hard, trying to motivate myself. the loud noise echoes through the rink, making my legs move faster.
i skate back and forth in between the blue lines, constant starts and stops that tire me out.
i don’t know how many times i’ve done this. although i do know it’s better than thinking.
mid stride, i blink aggressively, a short, throbbing pain in the back of my head. i quickly shake it off and continue skating.
right before i’m about to stop, i catch an edge and fall on my back.
”fuck!” i yell, although i stay glued to the cool ice, my body too weak to get up. “fuck…” i say in between gasps and breaths.
my gasps are loud, like air is trying to escape but can’t. my entire body is trembling on the ice floor. i look like i got shocked or something.
i look at the big clock on the scoreboard, reading 7:45.
oh, well i should have an hou-
“connor?” a sudden voice appears behind my shaking body.
i blink, then he comes into my vision.
it’s macklin. he’s standing on top of me with full equipment on.
”mack.” i manage to get out. my head is spinning, and i can barely think.
”are you okay? what happened?” he gets down on one knee, analyzing my exhausted face.
“guy said i had three hours.”
“three hours? what the fuck?”
oh god. he sounds like fraser.
”fuck.” i clinch my fists and shut my eyes as the echo of fraser’s voice appears in my head.
“what the fuck? i’m not fucking gay.”
no, no, it’s bad. he sounds exactly like fraser. he sounds angry, upset, genuinely confused.
i suck in my teeth, looking over to the side with my eyes shut.
”connor! what’s wrong?” macklin instinctively grabs my shoulders.
“connor, you have to get off the ice!” he says panicked, as i groan in pain.
it’s more emotional pain, but he doesn’t really know that. he doesn’t even know that i like fraser, or that i’m gay.
”okay, okay.” i exhale shakily, but my ears start aggressively ringing as soon as i sit up.
my vision turns white for a split second, before macklin yells something and snaps me back to reality.
”oh god.” i groan as macklin pulls my arm around his shoulders, carrying me to the bench.
~
i’m standing in the shower, cold water running over my face and my trembling body.
my legs are barely strong enough to hold me, almost collapsing on me a couple times.
i sigh as i use a towel to dry myself, the back of my head just slightly throbbing now.
my phone buzzes on my nightstand as i slip on a loose t shirt and sweatpants.
but all i can think about is the fact i fucked up.
i just wanted him, i didn’t want him to hate me.
and it feels wrong knowing that the notification probably isn’t him. how he probably has me blocked already.
it feels wrong knowing i can’t just casually text him anymore.
the rest of my day is almost a robotic schedule, shoving meal prep down my throat and barely paying attention to what i’m doing.
by the time i collapse into my bed, it’s 8:48pm and i don’t have a single clue what i spent my entire day doing except for the skating.
“fuck.” i tilt my head back in pain, my head hurting probably from getting up too quickly instead of the brutal conditioning that i did hours ago.
i sigh as i stare up into the ceiling, my expression completely blank except for one small tear running down my face.
~
my eyes shoot open, immediately springing out of my bed to change.
i look at the time for a split second, it’s 11:03am.
i need to see him. i need to apologize.
i miss him so much. i can’t lose the person i care about the most, even if they don’t love me back.
before i know it, i already have my shoes on and i’m heading out the door.
i frantically press the down button outside the elevator, my legs shaking up and down.
i can’t tell if it’s panic or excitement, but i just know i need to talk to fraser.
i run out of the lobby into the parking lot, climbing into my car and pressing my foot on the gas.
i already have the exact route memorized, so that part’s not a problem.
i just need him to let me in, to actually listen to me.
my right leg bounces while i steer through the highway, nervous to see him. what if he just shuts the door the second he sees me?
i don’t have any time to think, because i’m already turning into his apartment parking lot.
i yawn as i step out of the car and walk towards the lobby.
i find my way to the elevators, gently pressing the button as my breath gets shakier.
the elevator dings and the doors slide open, a brunette man stepping out.
my heart drops, his hair similar to fraser’s but also completely different at the same time.
my breath hitches but i quickly step into the elevator and press the 5th floor button.
the elevator ride feels long, longer than usual. normally, i’m laughing my ass off with fraser, or bringing him food.
the doors open and i instinctively step out and walk towards his apartment.
before i know it, the number ‘511’ is staring back at me.
i slowly raise my hand and knock. just a gentle one. usually, i’m yelling or aggressively trying to unlock his door. but now? i’m just being gentle.
the door swings open, and fraser stands in front of me. his eyes slightly widen when he sees me, but he doesn’t move.
”connor.” he whispers.
”fraser. can i come in?” i say quietly, silently begging him.
”i-“ he stutters, scratching the back of his neck. “yeah, okay.”
fraser steps back and creates an entryway for me. i quickly walk through and take a glimpse around his apartment.
”fraser.” it rolls off my tongue like it’s been wanting to for hours.
he lets out a small sigh, leaning against the kitchen counter. “what is it?”
“i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to upset you. i’ll shut down my feelings, whatever you want me to do.” i scramble, my voice just slightly cracking in desperation.
”a-and i just really want to go back to the way we were. i really miss us-“
“if you fucking like me so much, why is that girl texting you?” he cuts me off, raising his voice.
”what?” my breath hitches, his expression turning angry and frustrated.
”why the fuck was some girl texting you at 2am?” his fists squeeze the side of the kitchen counter, his knuckles turning white.
my mind goes blank, as i try to examine his face for any clues.
“i-“ my mouth opens, before i immediately shut it and open my phone.
i scroll through the sea of notifications before one catches my eye.
lexie
morning handsome
you’re in vancouver this summer right??
come over
lexie
don’t ignore me.
i know you’re awake
and i know you want me
you always end up in my bed anyway
~
aw shit. fuck.
”lexie…?” i mutter to myself, scrolling through her messages in disbelief.
”you don’t even need me. you’re fucking her or whatever.” fraser scoffs, an annoyed look on his face.
he lets out an exasperated sigh, before slowly opening his mouth to speak.
“it really fucking hurt seeing that. i-i thought we were a thing.” he lowers his tone before quickly resorting to yelling again.
“you fucking led me on! i cannot believe you had the guts to say you liked me. you’re probably fucking half the city.”
”what the fuck, fraser? i just wanted it to be you! she smells like you, she has the same hair as you. the whole damn time i wished that she was you.”
i confess, my voice cracking as i frantically look around the room holding back tears.
”i haven’t seen her in over a year.” i add quietly, swallowing my pride.
“oh.”
i blink, biting my bottom lip to prevent any crying.
i stare deep into his eyes, seeing a change in his expression. his face is less tense, almost like something clicked.
”i’m sorry. i guess.” fraser stares down at the wooden floors of the apartment, a place we would spent hours in together.
i let out a quiet scoff, seeing him nervously scratch the back of his neck. it’s a common habit that he has, something i’ve always noticed.
”you’re sorry? you’re fucking sorry? you ruined me, minten.”
his eyes widen, probably not expecting my furious response. but right now? this is the only thing i’m thinking.
”just because of some petty shit you can’t get over. you think i care about her? you know me better than that.”
fraser opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. it just slowly retracts and waits for me to talk.
”your ex fucked like three guys! you didn’t even give a shit! the worst part is you stayed. that was so fucking painful to watch.”
i don’t even try to hold in my tears, because they slowly start falling down.
fraser reaches out to grab my arm, but i step back.
“no. i’m done, fraser. i’m done chasing. you really hurt me.” i sigh, sitting down on the couch and running a hand through my hair.
”con.” his breath hitches. “i didn’t mean it.”
“i know you didn’t.”
”then why aren’t you trying?” he sits on a chair across from me, analyzing my face while i try to hide it.
“are you actually not gay, minten?” i continue to stare at the carpet on the floor instead of him.
“i am gay.” he says straight up. “and i don’t think that you think i’m a nerd, and i’m really sorry for saying that. it’s just-”
fraser messes up his words, frantically trying to get the message out.
”i really like you.”
i don’t react, instead i just look up at him with tired eyes.
”okay.”
”okay?” fraser whispers, clearly a bit frustrated but still trying to be patient.
he stares at me for another 15 seconds trying to figure out if there’s any secret meaning behind that one word.
”i have to go, fraser.” i slowly get up, finding my way towards the exit.
”connor.”
”yeah?”
”stay.”
i look at him, i really look at him. his eyes are slightly watery, his breathing irregular.
”i can’t. i really have to go.” my voice cracks at the end, as i turn away so he doesn’t see the lone tear falling down my cheek.
”…could i see you later?”
”maybe.” i quietly sigh.
“maybe?”
my back facing him, i stare at the closed door, so close yet so far. “it’s overwhelming being here with you.”
“i know, i know it is. i’m so sorry, connor.”
silence fills the air, no one moving because we’re scared of what happens if we do. fraser doesn’t want me to leave, but honestly i’m not sure if i want to either.
”friday,” my breath hitches.
”friday?” he mutters to himself, wondering if he heard it right.
i can feel fraser checking his phone, today is tuesday.
”okay. sounds good. meet you at your place.”
”bye, fraser.”
“bye, connor.”
i reach for the door handle, grabbing it and pressing it down before stepping out into the long hallway.