Actions

Work Header

The Crows fweaking get Charlie Kirk

Summary:

Jesper and Wylan see this really weird guy while working in a bomb, coincidentally Inej and Kaz also see a really weird guy………

Notes:

So just to be abundantly clear I do not support what Charlie Kirk or Turning Point USA are promoting.

Strolls in with a mint majesty with two honeys, Happy Kirkiversity everyone!!!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Look. I didn’t MEAN to kill Charlie Kirk.” Wylan said during his police interrogation. “It was an accident, I was very innocenty looking at jespers butt”

Cool epic transition

“Hey, my tits are up here” Jesper said, joking like usual

“Oh hush you cutie patooite, I’m working on this super ‘safe’ bomb! Oh crude” said wylan as his bomb started going off (oops) “well might as well just send it”

Wylan very calmly threw the smoking bomb over at this area with the least amount of people, there was just one man there. He probably wasn’t important.

Meanwhile? Inej and Kaz were at the mart of wal buying chocolate eggs for Easter. Kaz was being autistic. And not talking just staring at random people. One such person was this weird looking man…..who was starting to look familiar.

“Inej, that man, I know him. He was there in that one heist we did that one time”

“Yes he was The one who…. Who….. um…… made out with sonic the hedgehog and then age regressed into a dolphin fetus”

“That was nasty….should we do something?”

“Uh yeah sure” inej took one of her throwing knives and threw it toward the weirdo man. But right as her knife connected to his chest he exploded. A blond man ran up to the exploded body and fell to his knees crying yelling about something, Kaz didn’t know he doesn’t care.

“Well unless you got exploding knives, I dare say wylan got him too”

 

Meanwhile Nina and Matthias were having gay sex. Yes I know they’re straight. They were still having gay sex. Then they ate waffles and were in love because Matthias is alive and everything will be okay.

They decided to turn on the tv, the first channel they went to happened to have this guy named Charlie Kirk on it, they stayed to watch it and make fun of him.

“This guy’s such a loser” Nina said

“Yes he is dookie out an a hiney” Matthias. Then right as this Charlie gay was talking about gang violence. He exploded.

“That’s probably not good” Matthias commented

“Whatever lets the more gay sex”

Super cool epic transition

“And yeah that’s how it happened” inej told the interrogators. The interrogators went out of the room to talk.

“We could probably get them on drug use, having a weapon, and killing this guy!” One of the interrogators said. They rubbed their hands together excitedly. But when they walked back into the interrogation room it was empty

“What the flipty flap”

“Ok I swear there was just a girl there”

Then suddenly the little yard that the police get exploded.

“HA THATS WHAT YOU GET PIGS” said Jesper very calmly.
Only then the popo got him ☹️☹️☹️.

“Darn. Arrested again”

Once they got Jesper into the interrogation room, the investigators started SINGING??????

“Hey this is not muppets most wanted, don’t sing you have horrible voices”

“Ummm ok!” Said investigator one who had a French accent now for some reason…..odd “what do you know about this guy Charlie Kirk”

“Well my awesome boyfriend was doing awesome boyfriend things like building bombs”

Flash back

“Im biking this bomb for you bb” said Wylan

“Awwwww that’s so sweet ily”

“Man this bomb is acting up for some reason……”

Flash forward

“And yeah he’s basically the best ever and he gave me another bomb to blow up your silly little yard loserrrrrzzzzzzz”

One of the investigators sniffed “I really liked that yard”

“I know it going to be ok” said the French one. They did the little aliens clutching hand and putting foreheads together meme

“Ew that’s like hella gay”

“You just said you have a boyfriend!”

“Yeah and that’s hella gay. I’m getting out of here”
Jesper suddenly disappeared

“Whatz that fuck! Where did he go” the investigator said frenchly. Jesper scurried up the walls and into the vents like a spider.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!” Said the other investigator Americanly.

When the investigators went into the other room the one where they got the really austistic guy who started freaking out when they got cuffs on him they saw that it was empty.

“Ah poop”

So they moved onto the final room. The boyfriend. The bomb maker. The. Oh um this is awkward this one um yeah he got out to. OH but there is a little note!

“Go fuck yourself that guy was weird” the investagote that if you squinted kinda looked like an egale a bit read out . “Welp we are getting fired”

“That’s ok I go on my vacation in like two minutes he wouldn’t catch me”

Bigggg sigh. “I’m so cooked”

Then the police building fucking exploded killing everyone inside. And Wylan and Jesper made out with Kaz just looking so very uncomfortable.

Cool transition

Nina and Matthias looked up from their gay sex to see that the police building has exploded.

“It looks like they are having a good day!” Nina said.

“Yes, although I do wish they did it with less explosives” Matthias added in.

“That’s just because you were in a cult”

“Sure”

Epic transition back

“Are you the ones that killed my dear Charlie!!!!” Said this random blonde guy like who even is this guy.

“Who the fart are you” said inej very smartly.

“I’m Dean wi-“ Jesper shot him.

“He was lowkirkkengeniuly annoying” Kaz says

They all nodded their heads in agreement.

The end.

Notes:

Lowkirk