Archive of Our Own

1.  Any fights are to be had OUTSIDE of the building.
1.1. Yes, I know that usually fights should be kept to your sparring lessons with the master-at-arms. But we all know you bunch won’t stop roughhousing, and our steward is getting tired of needing to replace the furniture. If you have any issue with it, you can go give yourself house arrest like Valarr.. 
1.2. You are not allowed to purposefully start fights with Valarr to get him to send himself to house arrest. 

2. Food fights over shared family dinners are also forbidden. 

3. Ser Duncan the Tall is a sworn sword to Summerhall. This is not a rule; this is a fact. Please stop trying to seduce him away into the service of the Red Keep or Dragonstone.
3.1. If you still attempt it and get bitten by Aegon as a result for “trying to steal my Ser”, that is your fault, and I will not punish him. 

4. The “weird flashy guy with the salt-and-pepper hair running around the estate sometimes” is in fact not a kidnapper, assassin, stalker or any other sort of malicious adult. His name is Lyonel Baratheon, and he is (unfortunately) my honoured guest. Please leave him alone.
4.1. “Why is he here?” Think.
4.2. Rule no.3 also applies to visitors and Storm’s End. 

5. NO WILDFIRE
5.1. No talking someone else into getting you wildfire either
5.2. Especially no talking someone into getting you wildfire either if your name is Aerion Targaryen.

6. Yes, Baelor is in fact the Hand of the King, Heir to the Iron Throne and Hero of Redgrass. Yes, technically that means he outranks me. No, that does not mean he has any actual authority over me. Please stop trying to make him “send me to my room”, it will not work, and it is getting old. 

7. We do not talk about Ashford. 

8. No teaching Matarys swear words. 

9. No teaching Rhae new swear words.

10. Despite popular belief, you are, sadly, not immortal. Please stop attempting to accidentally kill yourselves by getting into increasingly more dangerous situations.
10.1. If the sentence starts with “do you think I could…”, that’s the type of situation I am talking about.
10.2. Yes, this mainly applies to you, brother.
10.3. I do not care whether these “call-outs” can be called “purposeful targeting”; maybe I’d be nicer if this family wasn’t so difficult.
10.4. You are currently recovering from a head wound that could have killed you. I do not care what your opinions on “safe situations” are.   

11. The words “I dare you to” are hereby banned from the castle premises.

12. The words “I bet” are also banned. 

13. Yes, we believe in the Seven. Yes, you may pray to them. No, you may not try to bribe them with various kinds of food items to get them to cancel your etiquette classes. I’m pretty sure it counts as some form of heresy.
13.1. Your Septas are starting to get offended; please just stop.

14. Stop trying to summon evil spirits. 

15.  While we celebrate the progress some people have made in terms of learning their letters, we do ask everyone to remind their companions to keep gifts sent limited to reasonable things which can be sent within a single package.
15.1. Yes, this is about the time Ser Duncan received ten barrels of Fossoway Cider from a ‘good friend’ to celebrate the founding of the new Fossoway house branch. We still struggle to store them all.
15.2. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ALREADY TALKED HIM DOWN???
15.2. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FIFTY!?!?!?!?!

16. No more making friends with high-profile lords and ladies. How do you guys even manage to do that?

17. Daeron, if I literally, physically trip over your empty wine caskets one more time so help me the Father I will-

18. Yes, Ser Duncan is attractive. Yes, he likes to train without wearing a shirt due to the heat. No, that does not mean that you should ogle him while he does so.
18.1. The poor man is anxious as he already is; he’s going to develop an ulcer.
18.2. This also applies to you, Baelor. What would Valarr say?
18.3. Just because he’s okay with it doesn’t mean I am.
18.4. I am disappointed in you both. 

19. Hackling Aemon with the various, ahem- “unfortunate” choices of hairstyle prevalent in the Citadel in your letters may be funny, but still classifies as bullying. So stop it. 

20. Shiera and Bloodraven, I do not know what is going on exactly between you two, but cut it out when you visit us. This is starting to get uncomfortable.
20.1. Also please stop teaching my daughters how to brew various potions while you are at it. 

21. Trebuchets are hereby banned within the courtyard.
21.1. This includes those you constructed on your own. 

22. No attempting to figure out our family tree; there isn't enough milk of the poppy in the world to handle that headache.

23. A master telling you to lie down and rest is not a suggestion; it is an order. Listen to it.

24. “Do you want to marry my father?” is NOT an appropriate question to ask people.
24.1. “Please marry my father” isn’t either. 

25. Daella, no sneaking around after dark. I do not know what you are doing but I know it can’t be good.
25.1. “Innocent Until Proven Guilty” stopped applying to you bunch a LOOOONNNGGGG time ago. 

26. The next time I find someone trying to steal anyone else’s clothes, you are all dead.
26.1. This also applies to torn clothes that would have been thrown away.
26.2. Yes, even if you replace them with new ones.
26.3. I do not care if the replacement clothes are better than the originals. The rule stays standing.
26.4. JUST LEAVE SER DUNCAN’S CLOTHES ALONE. 

27. Attempting to murder a landed knight so his cousin may take over his inheritance is called “a crime”, not “lemme show you something cool” 

28. Stop trying to talk our gardeners into growing weed for you.
28.1. Yes I know what that means
28.2. The plant is native to Essos, it wouldn’t grow well in our climate anyway. Just leave our poor servants in peace. 

29. Despite my great support of any hobby this family has besides bringing me into an early grave, any singing lessons are to be kept strictly during the times when the sun shines. 

30. Poisons are forbidden on castle grounds. 

31. Blood sacrifices for the purpose of dragon hatching are forbidden on castle grounds.

32. War maces are forbidden on castle grounds. 

33. Spears are forbidden on castle grounds.
33.1. The weapon, obviously. Stop saying Baelor is expelled. He’s called Breakspear, the joke doesn’t even work all that well. 

34. If you are injured, go to Maester Yormwell. Do not attempt to “figure it out” yourself because you are too shy or too guilty to tell him how the injury happened. 

35. I know about your secret alcohol stash, Daeron. Get rid of it. 

36. I have gone to great lengths to ensure everyone within Summerhall has their own perfectly comfortable chamber befitting of their station. That being said, stop sneaking into Ser Duncan’s bed Aegon.
36.1. Stop trying to pull him into your back too!
36.2. I don’t care if it makes you feel safer, you aren’t a little boy anymore.
36.3. Seriously Aerion, you too? 

37. Everyone sleeps in their own bed. 

38. The appropriate response to a Blackfyre pretender is to either fight them if you have the ability or retreat to inform those who do. It is NOT to begin making fun of their hair in order to “assert dominance”

39. Similarly, the appropriate response to an assassin showing up is to immediately retreat and inform a trusted adult, not charging at them screaming profanities.
39.1. Do tell me where you got the idea, though, Ser Duncan. 

40. The correct phrase is “Bestow your mercy upon me, oh Mother Above, for I have sinned” not “I’ve been a naughty boy, mommy”

41. Pretending that Baelor is dead is inappropriate. He is still alive and will most likely be for a few more decades (if he doesn't manage to somehow kill himself off before that). If you want to hold a funeral for him so badly, wait until then.
41.1. Remember rule 7.
41.2. The same applies to Valarr, Mataryrs and my own father.

42. NO MORE FIREWORKS

43. We have doors for a reason; stop jumping out of windows. 

44. The language to be spoken with other people is Common, not High Valyrian. Please stop confusing everyone not fluent in our mother tongue. 

45. Next time anyone asks to ‘leave for the hedges, only for a bit’ the answer is no. The people this applies to know what they did.

46. If you think you need to ask, the answer is no. 

47. If you don’t think you need to ask, the answer is still no. 

48. Pets are not allowed.
48.1. I do not care whether they looked pitiful or not when you found them; you are not allowed to take them. Even if it’s just for the sake of preventing another rabies outbreak.

49. Starting cults to “show those assholes how it’s done properly” is forbidden.
49.1. Joining an already existing cult and taking it over for the same purposes is also forbidden. 

50. If you want to play a game of knife throwing, please do so outside with the proper precautions taken for your safety. Do not do it inside with a portrait of someone taped to the wall and kitchen knives.
50.1. The fact that you used a picture of my unworthy cunt of a grandfather however, is funny as shit so I’ll let it slide this one time. 

51. The next time you make a list of the Top Ten Hottest People develop better taste. I mean, really- Aegon the Conqueror placed over Baelor? I expected better of you.
51.1. No fist fights over the list.
51.2. Dragons don’t belong on it Aerion; get over it. 

52. No more trial of combats. The next one to suggest one is getting sent to Lys. 

53. No more glue. 

54. I do not care what my brothers told you, stop saying that my haircuts during my youth were ‘a tragedy worse than the Great Spring Sickness’. 

55. Betting rings are thus prohibited from being formed.
55.1. No, you cannot negotiate on this. Even if you offer me a part of the earnings. 

56. No testing of potions on family members. We do not need another incident with Aegon.