Work Text:
Make you happy
“Jeon Jungkook.” He says calmly as he steps into the room. It’s only the two of them now, the other members busy with their schedule or sleeping the tiredness off in their own rooms. Jungkook raises his head from his table, apparently falling asleep while using his desktop. “Yeah, hyung?” he asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
It’s now or never. Taehyung is terrified, because he doesn’t remember where he got the courage to start doing this in the first place, and now that he can’t find it, he is deathly afraid of the consequences of what he was about to do.
“I have something to tell you.” He says solemnly, with a half-trying smile that Jungkook fails to catch.
“Did you wear my underwear again?” he whines out, and Taehyung laughs. “No, no it’s not that,” he says, taking his seat on the bed, closer to Jungkook’s rotating chair. He grabs one of the ends to make Jungkook face him, and their knees are touching and Taehyung’s heart is racing and he doesn’t know where to run if things go bad.
“What happened to my Timberlands?” Jungkook says, eyes widening in alarm, arms settling on his armrests. “I didn’t do anything to any of your things Kookie so please just stop interrupting and listen?” he says exasperatedly, pulling him closer and Jungkook quiets down, in a way that he’s giving him the room, because Taehyung rarely talks to him like this, all serious.
Jungkook pulls his legs up, clutching his knees to his chest and Taehyung cringes a bit at the lost of contact. If it feels like this to see him pulling away for a bit, Taehyung doesn’t know what to do when he pulls away for good.
“Do you remember when you asked me if I ever fear growing old alone, because of our careers?” Taehyung asks him, pulling his feet up and sitting cross-legged on the bed, arms behind him and head-tilted to the side, waiting for Jungkook’s reaction.
“This is pretty random hyung but – yeah sure I remember. What about it?”
“What did I answer you with?”
Jungkook stares at him hard, testily, looking for permission if he’s allowed to say what he’s about to stay, and Taehyung nods.
“You said – you already have someone right? But I can’t tell anyone? Not even Jimin-hyung?” he says, voice scratchy from sleep. “Ya-hyung I can’t believe you still wouldn’t tell me who” he says, frowning and leaning forward. “I think you told Jimin-hyung though, I see him teasing you and it’s so unfair – can’t you tell me who it is? I promise I really won’t tell anyone!” he says, straightening up and this conversation is going the way Taehyung planned, but he is still so deathly afraid.
“Come here, I’ll tell you.” He says after a few beats of silence and just looking at Jungkook.
“You’ll tell me who it is?” Jungkook smiles enthusiastically and Taehyung motions for him to move closer, as if going to whisper in his ear.
“It’s……
.
.
.
You.”
He says finally, after a few beats of nervousness. And Jungkook pulls away. “Hyuuung… that’s not funny! Why won’t you tell me who it is?” he whines, seating back against his chair and frowning. Taehyung brings his arms forward, hugging himself and looking down, as he says, “It’s not a joke Kookie. I like you.” He mumbles.
“What? Hyung? Come on I can’t hear are you saying who it is? Is it someone from Gfriend?” he laughs.
“No Jeon fucking Jungkook it’s you goddammit I like you!” Taehyung bursts, looking up and he sees Jungkook looking at him warily. “Hyung that’s not a really nice joke...”
“I’m not joking! Look, just hear me out I prepared a speech and everything.” He says
“You what?? Stop kidding around hyung-“
“I’m not kidding! Just… let me speak.” Taehyung says loudly as he pushes Jungkook quite forcibly, making his chair roll back to hit the desktop set up.
“I like you, Jeon Jungkook. From every stupid white shirt you collect to your secret iron man socks. I’ve liked you for as long as I can remember – okay not really but long enough, and real enough for me to have to do this!” He says, voice shaking and he holds his hands together, hoping he could keep them from shaking.
Jungkook is looking at him now, with eyes that showed all the ways that he grew up during their 3 year run. He clears his throat. “You don’t have to shout hyung, I’m… listening.” He says, gently and treading, as if it was just the beginning of spring and things haven’t quite grown strong enough for him to meddle.
“I don’t know why or how but I know how much. – I love you that is. I’ve kept your scarf Kookie, the one you offered me in Japan because I forgot my own. Whenever we have promotions, all I would try to think about is to not touch you too much on broadcast – so I make so many new friends, trying to distract myself and – anyways, the point is, I like you. I’m sure of it, it’s not just some random thing I thought up…”
“I’ve been struggling with this for years so I just had to tell you, because when else would I ever? I don’t think my feelings are getting sorted – just keeping them in. It hasn’t worked for years so I’m telling you now. I like you so much it scares me. I’m terrified Kookie. I like you so much I can’t even see anyone else. I like you so much that you take up my whole world but I’m so afraid because I think I’m not even a small blip in your radar.”
Taehyung finishes, with a huff and slow let down of his shoulder and he looks at Jungkook, waiting for an answer. Jungkook can’t respond, shocked, and Tae takes it badly.
“Jungkook?” he asks, and Jungkook just stares at him, blinking, with a furrow in his brow that shows all his years. “I don’t know what to do hyung.” He says, gulping and Taehyung understands.
“I released a song for you too. Hug me. I keep thinking that, if your heart wants to take a step backward, then all I have to do is take another step forward right?” Taehyung says, earning a small stare from Jungkook, lips pressed into a thin line, eyes trembling with something Taehyung couldn’t quite put a finger on.
“It’s okay, I get it. I told you about it and now it’s all upto you and I get it, it’s your decision.” He says, standing up and getting ready to leave.
He doesn’t even stop Taehyung. Tae slows down, reaching for the doorknob, giving Jungkook a last moment to call him back but he doesn’t, and Taehyung says
he’s fine
and he’s fine,
Taehyung’s fine.
It’s the morning after, and Taehyung feels like absolute shit after crying himself to sleep the night before. He walks out to the common kitchen to find Jungkook there, so he steps back inside his room.
Jimin looks up at him.
“What are you doing, aren’t you starving?” he asks from his laptop while munching on some bread. “There are some sandwiches on the table, ask Jungkook to pass you one.” He mutters as he goes back to his game and Taehyung ignores him.
The toilet was calling anyway. He freshens up and decides to take a really long hot shower, hoping that when he goes out, Jungkook is gone. He steps out, a face towel draped around his neck when he sees Jungkook still fiddling with his phone, sitting by the table. He hears Taehyung walking and he looks up.
There’s this look Jungkook always has, when he’s thinking. Taehyung knows it too well and it stops him in his tracks. They stare at each other for a while, until the pain in Taehyung’s chest pushes him to take a step forward, take a piece of bread and go back to his room.
He hears Jungkook say “Hyung…” and he turns, an eyebrow raised and lips trembling.
Jungkook just stares
“Still nothing then, Kookie?” he says, and walks back before he can hear Jungkook saying nothing.
It’s cliché, but sadness really is loud, especially when it’s the lack of the voice of someone you love. It haunts him to his bed, haunt in the way that it feels like his soul has shrunk inside his body, and the new empty space expected to be filled with nothing but Jungkook.
He doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t really have the appetite for anything now, so he leaves the piece of bread he got on Jimin’s side table and tries to go back to sleep.
He wakes up feeling emptier than he would have – had he eaten lunch or had Jungkook loved him back. It’s despicable, the way everything right now revolves around the fact that he isn’t loved back. He hates the way it consumes everything he is – was. He hates the way he can’t sleep, the way he can’t eat, the way he can’t raise his shoulders or his eyes.
He tries really hard too, to be normal. But since promotions are ongoing, it seems like he’s saving all the falsity for cameras.
When they finish their schedules and they get back to their dorms, Taehyung immediately crumples back, and it’s hell because he knows Jungkook can see – how can he not – but he still doesn’t do anything about it.
Everyone else sees too, Jimin gives him a hug every time their schedules end, together with a whisper of “You did well today” in his ear. He is grateful, of course, for Jimin and his hugs and his words, but he can’t help but want them from someone else.
Namjoon mentions it one time though, and it’s the most awkward they’ve ever been.
He's sitting alone on his bed, his laptop propped up on his stomach as he’s watching Haikyuu! When Namjoon walks in and stops at the edge of his bed.
“Ya Taehyung,” he calls out, nudging Taehyung’s protruding feet and Taehyung looks up. Namjoon has never seen a more exhausted version of Tae. The light from his laptop is accentuating all the darkness on his face, eye bags sorrowfully catching his drooping lids, skin flush and red and lips chapped to oblivion.
“Are you okay?” he asks, as he sits down and Taehyung’s brows furrow.
“Geez what do you think?” Taehyung grumbles out, pausing from sipping on the carton of banana milk rested on his chest.
“What’s with you and Jungkook?” Namjoon asks, straight to the point and relentless. Taehyung cringes inwardly.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” He says as he sits up and puts the laptop on pause to the side.
“Look, he hasn’t been doing well either. He looks like he is but we share a room and I hear him at night you know?” Namjoon says and Taehyung is shocked.
“He’s crying?” he asks softly and Namjoon stares at him.
“No? He keeps sighing and not sleeping! And I’m not getting enough sleep because of it. Regardless, why would he be crying? What happened?” Namjoon asks, more concerned now than he would have if Taehyung just kept his mouth shut.
“Nothing hyung, we’re all just tired. Just let it be okay.” Taehyung says, and plays his anime again.
Namjoon stays there for a few moments, and it’s times like these that he finds it hardest to be the leader. “Well, just know I’m always here if you ever need someone to talk to, okay?” He says and Taehyyung nods half-heartedly.
“I scheduled a 4 day roadtrip without our manager or any staff, as a surprise. We’ll be leaving for Jeongseon tomorrow, early morning, so you better fix your things now.” Namjoon says finally, standing up and leaving Taehyung with one last look.
He fixes his things in the morning, after not falling asleep the night before. It’s three a.m. and he can’t sleep a blink, so he tries to just get ready for the trip. Hoseok is snoring on his bed when he carefully pulls out his travelling luggage from underneath his bed.
It’s a matter of minutes, as he puts whatever it is he has clean into the suitcase, pants, shirts and sweaters, because those things don’t really matter. He puts shoes in a different compartment and decides to take another long warm bath that does wonders to the chill he’s been feeling over his shoulders.
He hears Hoseok wake up, from the knock on the bathroom door and a groggy voice telling him he needs to take a shit.
He gets out of the bathroom in his own time though, earning a confused grumble from Hoseok and an elbow to his forearm as Hoseok rushes to get in the bathroom. The room feels very lived-in as he steps out, and the stark reality of his slow descent to sadness doesn’t escape him. His side of the room looks as cluttered as his head, with a lone small suitcase at the foot of his bed as the only organized thing, which he knows isn’t even close to what you can call order.
There’s so much half-eaten food at the side of his bed on the floor that Taehyung begins to wonder if he has ever eaten properly. He takes an ill look at his gaunt wrist and decided not to ponder anymore on his shortcomings.
He steps out of his room with a towel draped around his neck, and he sees Jimin serving the other members breakfast. “Taehyungie ~ can you pass me the rice from the kitchen?” he asks as he places the plates in front of Namjoon and Seokjin.
“I’ll help you hyung.” He hears Jungkook say as he carries the pot towards the table. Taehyung doesn’t say anything but he rushes and takes the rice there way before Jungkook could even get to the kitchen. Namjoon coughs loudly as Jungkook takes his seat back and says “We’ll be leaving in an hour so we should load our bags in after we eat.” While taking a big bite of rice.
Taehyung eats – or what could pass for eating and he gets his bag right after. The air is a bit cold for October when he gets to their car. The sky tinges everything blue, and Taehyung feels like breathing would be a luxury in this sapphire world.
He almost slams the trunk close when he hears Jungkook. “Hyung wait!” he says as he runs down, carrying his own bag with him, his camera is strapped around his neck. Taehyung opens the trunk and walks away, but at the point that their paths meet, Jungkook grabs his wrist in that cliché K-Drama way and Taehyung can’t help but scoff. “Hyung wait for me, I have something to tell you.” He says out of breath and he lets go.
Taehyung’s feet stop in his tracks and everything’s white noise.
White noise until it’s broken by the slamming of the trunk door. He hears Jungkook running footsteps and he feels his arm being dragged forward. “Hyung I need to tell you something.” He says as he tugs Taehyung to face him.
“Hyung I’m sorry… I know you expected me to say something but… I couldn’t because I have to think about it… you know and God wait hyung!” He says when Taehyung tries to walk.
“Listen! Please! I notice how sad you’ve gotten and I still care for you, maybe not in the way you want me to but…”
“Listen Kook I get it. Everything you could say, I’ve already said to myself, but that doesn’t make it easier to accept. Just… give me time okay?” he asks, his chest burning with something he can’t point out, the air is too cold anyways. The pavement is stark gray, a detail that seemed important at the time to Taehyung.
Jungkook stares at him for a while. “Okay, hyung. If that’s what you want. I just want you to be happy.”
I just want you to be happy.
I just want you to be happy.
I just want you to be happy.
It reverberates through Taehyung’s head, along with the grumble of the engine. They have travelled for 2 hours now, and that was all Taehyung could think about. He’s seated between the window and Jimin, with Jungkook behind him. It makes his neck feel sensitive.
How could Jungkook say that without thinking of how much hope – and in turn – pain it would cause him? He feels blind-sided by the universe. It would be easier if Jungkook was an asshole, or if he had any flaw that Taehyung couldn’t stand. They are different, yes, but that doesn’t make Taehyung love him any less. He’s so tired of thinking, and thinking, and more thinking about how he would move on so he decides to sleep, and in 2 more hours, they would reach their destination and Taehyung could go on a much needed walk alone.
They settle down in a hotel room that has 3 bedrooms, with a bunk bed in each room. “I’ll take the couch.” Taehyung says, as he puts down his bag and stretches his feet. His slippers feel a tad too loose, and he realizes he only brought black slip-on shoes that he can’t use to walk on the beach with. He borrows Hoseok’s though, and it’s almost time for the sunset when he comes back.
The room smells of ramyeon when he returns and Yoongi opens the door for him. He toes off his sandals and walks back in with his socks sloppily rolled on. “We’re getting drinks later, you want some ramyeon?” Jimin says, or at least that’s what Taehyung thinks he says with a mouthful of noodles.
“I’ll change first.” He mutters as he opens his bag beside the couch. He takes out a pair of black jeans and a gray sweatshirt along with a black mask he threw into the bag accidentally. He takes a black snapback as well that he had the luck of throwing in and rushes to the bathroom.
Long hot showers have been very abundant today, and he needed one to shake the cold of outside. He comes back out where a bowl of ramyeon is waiting for him, the kitchen cleaned up and the other members preparing and he takes a seat to eat. The chopsticks break unevenly and it’s his pet peeve. He’s about to take another pair when Jungkook hands him evenly separated ones without a word.
Taehyung feels weird, as if the universe wants to tell him something but his sadness is clogging his ears.
Jimin takes a seat to his left. “Not even a thank you?” he asks laughing, to which Taehyung replies a mumbled ‘Thank you’ to. He doesn’t have an appetite, but Jimin pushes him. “Come on Tae you know you need to eat or else you’re going to get super wrecked later.” He says and Taehyung pushes that half eaten bowl away. “I’m not going to drink much.”
It’s 7 shots of Bacardi that tips him over, that and a tall glass of Tequila sunrise, a view he would be okay with missing. Jimin is busy dancing with Hoseok, both with masks and snapbacks on that made them blend in. Jungkook though, Jungkook still shined and Taehyung’s getting a migraine from it.
He’s incoherent now, and he could feel Namjoon and Jin hyung lifting him up as they were the only ones big enough to help him up. Them and Jungkoook.
They hand Taehyung to Jungkook and he mumbles a short “You make my head hurt..” before dozing off.
Jungkook’s heart is beating too fast for his body, and maybe it’s the alcohol or the lights but he’s sweating too much too, and he can’t keep a steady grasp on Taehyung. They make it though, back to their hotel room, earlier than they were supposed to, away from everyone else and all the thinking the situation is forcing him to do makes Jungkook’s head hurt as well.
He leaves Taehyung on the couch, along with an aspirin and a glass of water when Taehyung pulls him back. “Why didn’t you talk to me Jungkookie~ we used to always dance together ynnghhh” He whined, eyes closed and half-asleep.
Jungkook’s throat burns with words he knows he should say, but couldn’t because Taehyung won’t remember any of it in the morning.
“I wanted to circle my fingers around your wrist and tell you I’m sorry, for so much. Your face was flushing red and I can’t help but feel enamored- it’s the first time you looked so alive in days, and I didn’t want to ruin that.” He manages to choke out, and the flurry of words won’t stop, it won’t stop now.
“I wanted to pull you, to tug you to somewhere quiet where I can tell you what I need to, because I’m so sorry and I hate where we are – so awkward and I miss you so much hyung, but I know this is only for one night and tomorrow morning you’d be back to ignoring me again so I’ll apologize when you can remember it, I’ll apologize when you can understand and forgive me.”
After the trip, they go back to their schedules, even over-working because of the four days they missed but it’s worth it, Namjoon thinks.
It’s in an interview that whatever is between them is mentioned again.
“In your group, who are two that's the closest?” the interviewer asks and Yoongi laughs. “Of course, it’s the two maknaes! V and Jungkook--”
Jungkook looks at Taehyung, but he’s spaced out, something he’s been doing recently and it’s upto him to save the answer.
“Ah, well, V-hyung is my favorite hyung- “ which earns him a playful slap from Jimin and the audience laughs.
“We’re really close since he’s really playful and I trust him a lot, he makes Seoul feel like home, along with Jimin hyung since he’s from Busan too. V-hyung, though, always worries about me and makes sure I eat well, and I really appreciate him for that.”
“ Lately we don’t have time to talk anymore because of busy schedules, since he’s also acting in Hwarang – please support him – and I’m trying my hand at producing songs but I still think of him as the closest to me here.” Jungkook says in long-winded sentence, and Taehyung is still too spaced out to answer back so Namjoon saves.
“Why don’t you guys show your special handshake?” he asks them and Jungkook goes “Oh should we?” even though he’s already walking towards Taehyung.
Taehyung’s eyes snap to attention and he looks confused. Jungkook pulls him up to a hug, where he whispers “You’ve been spaced out but they want us to do the handshake.” And Taehyung improvs well, he laughs a hearty laugh which only Jungkook could tell is fake - as he slaps Jungkook's back playfully and he does the handshake with Jungkook.
The interview goes a bit less rough from then, Namjoon more sensitive to the two maknaes and they go home exhausted.
They get a week long break then, because their comeback finally finished and it’s December. Most of the members are already home, back in their family houses and the two maknaes are left in the dorm.
Taehyung is supposed to leave in two days; Jungkook in three and Jimin has just left. Jungkook went with him to the station and when he comes back, Taehyung’s in the shower, in probably another long hot bath.
Slowly and carefully, Jungkook enters Taehyung's room, shaking off the nerves that gathered around his hands. He puts the things he bought, a thick wool scarf, Taehyung’s favorite chocolates and an energy drink in a small yellow plastic bag and places it under Taehyung’s clothes, the ones piled on a suitcase. He takes a shallow breath, then a much needed deep one when he hears him.
“What are you doing?” Taehyung asks from the door of the room, hugging his thick sweater to himself, beads of water still dripping from his hair. Jungkook just finished putting the rest of Taehyung’s clothes on top of the surprise package. Jungkook's skin jumps, not from shock but from nervousness - he doesn't know how his actions would be received.
“Oh hyung…. I just.. um things you need for your trip, you know the ones I always gave you from before.” From before Taehyung confessed. There are things they both know should be remembered and Jungkook only hopes that their tradition would be one of them.
“What?” Taehyung asks, face flush and neck creeping with heat. The room feels too small for the two of them, and the world outside too big, and Taehyung is so close to blowing up.
“You know.. the care package I usually give you.” Jungkook mutters, standing up even though his legs feel weak. A small silence that seems enormous in a tiny room. Taehyung speaks up after a heartbreaking pause.
“God, I can’t believe you.” Taehyung mumbles as he walks off, towards the door. He bumps into the wall a few times as he struggles to roll on his socks while walking.
“Where are you going hyung?” Jungkook asks, following Taehyung to their door.
“Out. I need some fresh air.” He mumbles as he puts on his shoes, breaking off into what seems like a run to Jungkook. Taehyung can’t believe the boy. After months of ignoring and trying to move on, he thought he would be able to amicably say goodbye to Jungkook before they all went back, but Taehyung is still as fucked as ever and all he needs to do now is talk to his best friend, Jimin.
He finds a phone booth that was working and he puts the coins in, preferring this over his actual phone because then he wouldn’t have an excuse to go out.
It takes Jungkook a while to decide if he should follow him. But he does, because it starts raining and he’s 90% sure Taehyung is stuck somewhere without an umbrella.
He walks around for a few minutes before he notices a familiar head of hair inside a phonebooth beside a convenience store. Taehyung is talking to someone on the phone, while wiping his eyes and his heart breaks more. He leaves umbrella there after he knocks and runs home soaking because he knows Tae wouldn’t want to share it with him. He thinks, no, he knows that he would probably get sick, but that doesn't matter as much as knowing Taehyung would be dry.
He reaches the dorm soaking wet and it’s when he’s in the middle of drying off that Taehyung arrives. “Ya Jeon Jungkook do you know how sick you can get by running around in the rain like that? It’s winter for Christ sake why did you leave your fucking umbrella what the fuck do you even think of how worried we will be if you got so sick?” Taehyung half shouts as he enters and Jungkook just stares at him. “What?”
“It’s been the first time in weeks since you noticed me.” Jungkook says quietly and Taehyung is dumbfounded.
“Why are you so angry at me hyung. Couldn’t you have at least just acknowledged I existed?” Jungkook continues, looking at Taehyung with those eyes that makes everything burn. It takes Taehyung a millisecond to decide what he should say, the words have been rolling around the tip of his tongue for months.
“You don’t love me back and im trying to accept that so –just – wait for a bit and –“ Taehyung starts but Jungkook cuts him off.
“Who says I don’t?” Jungkook's voice shakes.
“Don’t play around Jeon Jungkook. You know what I mean. You don’t love me in that way.” Taehyung snaps at him.
“I don’t think I love you enough, not yet, not in the way that you love me but,
I love you enough to want to make you happy.” Jungkook replies.
“Yes you already said that, you want me to be happy.” Taehyung sighs, running his hand over his face as he sits beside Jungkook on their couch.
“No hyung, I mean, I want to make you happy. I want to make you smile, to make you laugh, I never want you to half-eat your food again or go 2 days without sleeping. I want to make you happy. Not just cheer you up but make you happy. I want to cause all your stupid box smiles and ugly as fuck giggles and- “ Jungkook stops his rambling when he sees Taehyung tearing up.
“Please stop that,” he says as he wipes the tears from Taehyung’s cheeks.
“I don’t know how to deal with love since in my head, I’m always the one who’s chasing it.” He says as he takes Taehyung’s hands. “But if you still want to give it a try, I want to, too. If you still feel the same way.” Jungkook mumbles
“How could I ever stop loving you, when you are you and I am me, how could that ever happen, Jeon Jungkook?”