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Sam glances over at his brother, watching him turning over the mix tape in his hands. It’s a Led Zeppelin one that Dean insisted Sam help him make since his hands shake pretty bad now. He still isn’t sure why the older Winchester hasn’t popped it in the tape deck, but he figures his sibling might just be admiring it.
Dean’s old tape collection still resides in the impala, the two of them usually putting a new one on anytime they go on hunts. They don’t hunt as often as they used to and have to avoid some cases, mainly ones that have to do with blood being consumed or particularly gory jobs, but they still get out there and need music.
His brother already has at least twelve Led Zeppelin mix tapes so he doesn’t know why he needs another, but it seems to have made his brother happy so he’s content.
Dean’s rubs over Sam’s hand writing with his thumb, a thoughtful expression on his face. Now that’s a look that the younger Winchester can recognize and he sets aside his book.
“It’s okay, Dean. Just because I helped you with making it doesn’t mean it’s not all you.”
Dean’s eyes flick over to him and he smiles thinly, rolling over the tape in his hands slowly, trying hard not to drop it.
“Do you want to listen to it?”
“Not for me.” Dean replies, words a little stilted and stunning Sam into a temporary silence. Dean can still speak full sentences, but it’s rare he actually does so. He would rather stay silent and not have to struggle to string words together.
“Who’s it for?” Sam asks after recovering, not really expecting an answer, but pushing his luck anyway.
“Cas.”
Sam’s heart immediately sinks, plummets so low that he can feel it in the pit of his hollow stomach. Of course it’s for Cas. His sibling is practically attached to the hip with the angel. Granted Castiel pulled him from Hell, something not even Sam could do, but he still feels shitty about it.
That an angel they barely know is doing a better job at making Dean happy than he is. Every time Castiel appears his brother lights up like the sun, unable to stop smiling and never straying far from the angel.
What is Sam doing so terribly that he’s been replaced? He’s been trying so hard. Even if he fails a lot, he still learns.
Castiel seems to understand his brother’s needs and wants effortlessly, easily surpassing him.
It takes him a few seconds too long to notice that Dean is starting at him with watchful eyes, as if sensing his sudden mood shift and honestly, maybe he can. His sibling has gotten better at reading people’s intentions and emotions over the years. It’s like he’s tuned into every little fluctuation, always noticing when something is off.
“Upset.” Dean remarks, holding the tape a little tighter in his hands.
Sam should be happy that his brother is more present right now than most days, but he can’t help the gloominess spreading throughout him.
“I’m not upset at you.” Sam reassures him despite the ache in his chest, averting his eyes. “I just…”
The younger Winchester swallows thickly, weighing his options. He doesn’t want to stress his brother with his own issues, but it’s also so heavy on his shoulders and he doesn’t want to burden Bobby with it.
He thought about telling John about his feelings of inadequacy, but ultimately decided it’d be a terrible idea to ask his father for support or his opinion.
“Am I being a bad caretaker?” Sam croaks out, a lump forming in his throat. “I’m trying so hard, but I feel like I’m failing you all the time. Like I can’t do anything right and it’s tearing me apart-“
Dean gets up from his spot, tossing the tape onto the bed and embraces Sam without hesitation. He squeezes him tightly and the younger Winchester buries his face in his older sibling’s shoulder, breathing out shakily. Some tears come to his eyes but he stubbornly blinks them back, just clinging to his brother like that’ll be enough to take away the guilt eating him up inside.
“You’re okay, doing a good job.” Dean whispers, his voice straining with every word and Sam swallows down a sob, just overjoyed to hear his sibling talking even if it’s done with great difficulty. It’s tremendous progress although he’s not sure if it’ll last forever.
Sometimes his brother can talk easier than other times, but sometimes he doesn’t want to or even can’t speak at all.
“Cas’s different.” Dean continues, stroking his hair as best as he can with his uncoordinated fingers. “Don’t see him the same..”
Sam blinks pushes more tears down, sniffling a little as he leans into the touch. It’s been a long time since his brother was the one hugging him.
“I don’t understand. We barely know him but you’re so close with him already. Why him?”
Dean pauses, hands halfway through the taller Winchester’s hair. His other arm squeezes around Sam’s back, offering reassurance for both of them it seems.
“I like Cas.”
“I know that. You’re friends-“
“Not friends.” Dean clarifies and Sam freezes, rolling the words over in his head. His brain stumbles over the new information like a calf taking its first steps, struggling to gain a full understanding of what his sibling just said.
Cas is different than him, Dean doesn’t see him the same as he sees Sam and they’re not exactly friends.
Sam can’t even speak for a moment, all the puzzle pieces clicking into place. The bond Castiel and Dean share, how excited his brother gets when the angel shows up, the affection, the staring deeply into each other’s eyes, the…
“Oh.” Sam mumbles dumbly and his brother chuckles softly and almost sadly in a way. “I didn’t…how long have you felt this way about Cas?”
“Long time.” Dean replies, hands falling away from Sam’s hair and just holding him in a loose hug. He’s quiet as he rests his head on the younger Winchester’s shoulder, appearing exhausted by the small conversation.
It makes guilt tug at Sam, the only thing keeping him from falling into self deprecation being the fact his sibling is looking at him with all the love in the world, like if he could he would take away every possible pain that Sam could ever feel and replace it with only the best of things.
The two of them sit there for a while, both brothers finding it in themselves to relax a little for once. At least until Castiel comes and they all can hang out together.
Sam suddenly feels a bit like a third wheel, but this time it’s not a bad feeling. A little bittersweet, but mostly comforting.
His brother has someone else he can trust besides him and more than that if Cas feels the same then he’ll also have someone who loves and understands him in that way. And that’s all Sam could ever hope for his big brother.