Chapter Text
They took him. They took my Johnnycake.
The Socs got what they wanted, didn't they? A greaser gone. A greaser so terrified they barely spoke, so on-edge they jumped at their own shadow. That was what Johnny was; a terrified kid, but not so terrified that he couldn't kill a boy. Not so terrified he couldn't flee town and risk his life for stupid kids. Socs don't want greasers gone, not really. Who would they fight? Who would they mess with and spit on and scare? Who would they kill?
Dally Winston don't love anything. Dally Winston can't love anything. That's what everyone says. If I had to, really had to love just one thing in life, it wouldn't be fightin'. It wouldn't be cigarettes, or barrel racin, or rodeos, or trouble, or cop chases. It would be Johnny Cade. He's my little brother, and he's dead. Why was he dead? sixteen year old kid with a whole life ahead of him. He spent his last days miserable in a hospital because he was too damn selfless. If he was tough like me, none of this would've happened. But that's somethin' everyone loved about Johnnycake; his damn bravery. He was tough that kid, tougher than most of the gang. Yeah he was quiet and looked like a scared puppy but what else was he supposed to be like? He took beatings every day along with verbal abuse, and if he decided he didn't want that, the kid was sleeping outside in the freezing cold. It's always the best kids that end up like that.
That's the problem with the Socs and the whole damn world. Because they got money they can do no wrong. It ain't ever a Soc's fault when there's a fight. Never a Soc's fault when a kid gets beaten half to death. Couldn't have been a Soc's fault because surely, surely that greaser was asking for a beating by just walking around the damn street. Surely Johnnycake wanted to get a permanent scar on his cheek because he was trying to grab a damn football. Of course Ponyboy was just begging for a haircut because he wanted to watch a damn movie.
I couldn't take it. I had no reason to be here anymore. Heaven knows I was only livin' for Johnny. And now Johnny was gone, so why not me too? If there was any good thoughts to cross my mind, it was that I knew no one could hurt Johnny anymore. No one could tell my Johnnycake he ain't worth a damn. No Soc can ever hit 'im so much until he's cryin' and bleedin'.
I'm sorry, Johnnycake. I'm sorry, little brother. I couldn't save you. And now I can't even save myself.
I felt myself walk into a grocery store and pull a gun on the cashier. Good, I thought. Call the cops. Let them kill me. God, let them kill me. Let everything fucking end.
And that was what they did. Because I wanted them to. Even in death I always got what I wanted. I wanted to be with Johnny.
As I fell to the ground, I saw a kid. Johnny?! No. Johnny had black hair, not red-blonde. Johnny was skinny, no muscle. Johnny was dead, that's what he was. I realized too late that it was Ponyboy. Too late to take the bullet outta my body. Too late to realize I had Ponyboy to live for. But Pony would be okay. He had Sodapop and Darry. I had Johnny, so that was why I had to be with him.
If Heaven and Hell are real, anyone could guess where I'm going, What if I didn't get to be with Johnny? What if he was too damn pure for the world and I was too damn evil? I tried not to think about that. I just wanted to think about Johnnycake. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...
I'm coming home, Johnnycake. I'm sorry, little brother.