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There were pros and cons to slow days in space.
A pro was that there wasn’t much to do.
A con was also that there wasn't much to do.
A lack of distractions allowed for more space for thoughts to consume the mind.
Not pleasant thoughts, of course.
Why would the thoughts be pleasant when life wasn't pleasant ninety percent of the time?
On today's episode of Anxiety in The Mind of An Insecure Teen Turned (Debatably) Slightly Less Insecure Space Captain, the programming was scheduled to the subject of immortality.
Well, technically not complete immortality. Just the harsh reality that the space captain in question would outlive all of his human loved ones and someday be the only one left. He would have no one to say goodbye to once his time finally came. If it ever did.
(He assumed it probably eventually would, but not for a long time. And to him, that was just as bad.)
It was funny in a sad way. He always thought he'd be the first to go given his history with depression and all that entailed…which he technically had been, if only briefly. And now he'd still be alive long after everyone he knew was gone.
It was also a bit cruelly ironic if he thought about it. He had spent most of his teenage life battling suicidal thoughts and actually died during that time only to be brought back with a much longer lifespan.
He'd heard of mourning someone still alive. He was all too familiar with that concept. But was it possible to mourn a life that had been both cut short and extended? Especially when it was his own life?
Apparently so, because that was exactly what he had found himself doing.
He was grieving the loss of his old life and his old self even though he knew he had made improvements since then and wouldn't exactly say he wanted to return to those times (that being said, there were a few things from the past that he had come to realize he missed and had taken for granted). And he was also grieving the fact that he'd live long enough to see so many people be born, live, and then die. He might even see that fate befall the world itself depending on how long he'd end up being alive.
Lars sighed, placing his head in his hands as he sat in his chair. He found himself glad that his crew wasn't in the room to see him spiraling. The last thing he wanted was for them to see him as anything less than strong and brave. That was just the burden- er, cost of being a leader. Never letting one’s crew see them be weak.
For once, he found himself wishing for some kind of imminent threat just so he could focus on something besides the spiral of thoughts cascading through his mind.
His wish was granted a minute later…sort of.
Without warning, a certain someone Lars knew floated out of his hair and soon made contact face-first with the floor.
“Agh! Oof…” The kid in question sat up, rubbing at his head.
“What the fu- Steven!” Lars exclaimed, quickly scrambling to switch from his tired-looking position into a more alert one and squinting down at the younger boy. He doubted he would ever get used to the feeling of someone travelling through his head. Just one of the many downsides of how he operated now.
Steven grinned up at him and waved. “Hi, Lars!”
Lars sighed. “You really need to start giving me a warning before doing that. And what are you doing here?”
“I just wanted to come visit you! I haven't seen you in a while,” Steven answered, standing up.
Of course he would choose now to show up. Worst timing ever even if I do really need some sort of distraction, Lars thought, quickly trying to hide his anxiety and sadness and hoping that Steven hadn't noticed.
Steven paused, taking a closer look at the older boy.
Lars’ eyes became focused on a random spot in the room. Even with the unexpected distraction of his friend, his thought spiral was making a merciless return. Just like it always did.
Why was it always the worst thoughts that were the hardest to get distracted from?
“Oh, uhm…sorry, Lars. Is now not a good time?” Steven asked. “I can leave.” He turned to walk away.
Lars didn't know what possessed him and he was kicking himself the entire time, but he reached out and grabbed hold of Steven's hand.
Steven paused and glanced over his shoulder.
Lars attempted to mask his true feelings even as he refused to let go of the smaller boy’s hand, averting his gaze. “...I don't want you to leave.” His voice came out sounding softer than desired.
Steven blinked. “You don't?”
Ugh, why did I say that? Lars thought, internally groaning. He schooled his features back into a detached expression and let go of Steven's hand. “I mean, it's up to you. Do what you want, man. I don't care.”
Steven chuckled, seeing right through his friend's facade. He pulled up a spare chair and sat by the pink boy.
Lars was silent as he stared out the window at the vast endlessness of space.
Just like the endlessness of his life.
Steven glanced up at him, waiting to see if he'd say something.
Lars stayed quiet for a few more minutes, his gaze transfixed on the stars.
“You okay?” Steven asked. It seemed like a decent starter, at least.
“I'd say yes, but you’d just be annoyingly perceptive and realize that's not the case,” Lars replied, making a face as he realized that he'd just admitted to not being okay.
Even now, after he'd undergone so many changes, being honest about when he wasn't okay was still a struggle sometimes.
Would it ever stop being a struggle?
He didn't know.
Maybe after spending years struggling with opening up and forcing down his emotions, it wouldn't be an easy thing to undo.
“You're right, I would,” Steven agreed, no shame whatsoever.
Lars smiled a little, but his gaze didn't move.
“Okay, seriously. What's going on? You're worrying me.” Steven looked at him.
Lars sighed before tearing his gaze away from the window and turning to look back at Steven. “I've just been thinking a lot lately.”
“In general, or…?”
“Yes and no. There's something that's been occupying my mind more often than I'd care to admit.”
“What is it?”
Lars sighed again, averting his eyes this time. “My extended life.”
Steven tilted his head, awaiting elaboration.
Lars glanced over at the younger. “Before I go any further, I just need to get it out there that I'm grateful to you for saving my life.”
Steven gave a small smile. “Lars. I know.”
Lars found himself returning the smile despite the sadness and fear warring in him. “Okay, just had to make sure.”
“I appreciate it. But I'm offering to listen to what's bothering you. So you can be honest with me.”
“Right, right.”
“Well, if you want to tell me. But I won't force you.”
Lars started to feel a little better just from his friend's reassurance. “No, it's okay. It might help me to talk about it. At least, that's what you always claim.”
Steven nodded, ready to listen.
The smile faded from the space captain's face as the worries set back in…not that they had ever left. But they had temporarily quieted down just a little bit thanks to the distraction of Steven coming out of his hair. “I'm glad I'm still alive. Or alive again, technically. I didn't really want to die so soon even if I'd struggled with those thoughts for as long as I can remember. But…lately, I've been wondering if having such an extended lifespan is really all it's cracked up to be. Some would love it, but I've been finding that it has so many downsides.”
Steven stayed quiet, listening closely.
Lars sighed, his forlorn eyes shifting back to the view outside the window. “It’s just…I'm going to live for such a long time. I'm going to watch all my loved ones die. Well, my human ones at least. Maybe I'll even see more loved ones be born in the future. And then I'll have to watch them die, too. I'm still going to be here long after them. I'll outlive everyone I knew growing up. There's also the possibility that I’ll see my crew leave too if something happens to them or if we part ways somewhere down the road. I'm going to live long enough to see the place where I grew up change or disappear completely. I'll see the place I used to call home eventually not be home anymore. Heck, I might even live long enough to see the world itself end. And then once my time finally comes…will there even be anyone left to say goodbye to me? Or will I just die alone one day?”
Steven felt a pang of sadness. “Lars…”
Lars’ expression slowly grew more despondent. “I've been thinking a little too much about that lately. And I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about being the only one left decades into the future, maybe even centuries. Or worse, thousands of years. I've been alone before, and that's not a time or feeling I want to return to. But I know I will.”
Irrational as it was, Steven started to feel a bit guilty for reviving his friend if it meant he would one day outlive everyone he knew and be left alone and in pain as a result. “I'm sorry.”
Lars glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “What for?”
This time it was Steven's turn to look away. “I brought you back to life and it was probably pretty selfish of me. At the time, I didn't even think about how you'd still be alive when everyone you knew was gone. I didn't think about how you would feel about all that. I just wanted my friend back. And I'm also sorry you're feeling like this.”
Lars shook his head, gently turning Steven's face to look at him.
It took Steven a minute to work up the courage, but he managed to meet his friend’s eyes.
Lars held his gaze, his expression still soft and sad but also reassuring. “Steven, I've already told you that I'm thankful you saved my life. That hasn't changed, and I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise. I've just been struggling a bit with the fact that I'll live so much longer than everyone I know. But that isn't your fault.”
Now Steven just felt worse. Here Lars was, trying to open up about a fear of his that probably hadn't left his mind for even a second since he was brought back to life, and Steven was making it about himself. And now Lars was trying to be the reassuring one to him.
Lars continued to look at him. “I mean it, bud. I'm glad I still get to live. It means I'll get more time with those in my life while they're still here. So I'm glad you were responsible for that. No more blaming yourself, because I know you're doing that. I don't blame you, so you shouldn't either.”
Steven already felt slightly better just from the little nickname. “...Okay, I'll try to stop blaming myself. And of course I saved you. You're one of my best friends.”
“And you're one of mine, too.”
The two of them shared a smile before the moment was broken by Lars looking out the window again.
Even after talking it out, his thoughts insisted on consuming him.
Opening up? What a scam.
Lars remained silent, the storm of thoughts still tearing through his mind.
He'd hoped that opening up about his fears concerning how he'd be left behind would help, but talking about it had only made those fears seem that much more real.
Now that he'd spoken it, there was no way to take it back or try to pretend it wasn't reality. Now Steven knew what was wrong. And he would try to help in any way he could just like he always did.
Not that Lars was complaining. He'd become accustomed to and even grown to admire the younger boy's eternal willingness to be there for whoever needed it (even if he also worried about him because of that sometimes).
“Y’know,” Lars began, talking more to himself than anything else at this point. “I used to try to be okay with being alone since it had been my reality for so long.”
Steven looked up at the taller boy, just offering a listening ear.
“It was pretty hard for me to make friends most of my life for one reason or another. I always got in my own way in a lot of areas, especially that one. I spent so long being too worried about appearing cool to actually let anyone know the real me. As a result, that made me end up pushing most people away. And then when I finally do manage to be myself, once things finally feel like they're starting to look up, I die. And then I get brought back to life, but at what cost? I'll just be right back where I started one day. Alone with only the company of my own thoughts.”
Lars fell silent for a minute after getting out his next few worries. If he was already this worked up over even just the thought of his bleak and lonely future, how was he going to be able to handle it once it actually arrived?
He already knew the answer to at least that question: he wouldn't be able to handle it. He wasn't ready to be the last one left. He never would be. He wasn't ready to be the one who wanted to say goodbye but had nobody left to say it to.
Steven subtly scooted closer, trying to offer a bit of comfort.
Lars didn't seem to notice as his gaze remained fixed on the window. “Then there's also the fact that I'm not the same as I used to be.”
“Is that a bad thing?” Steven asked, his question genuine.
Lars scoffed, but there was no heat to it. “Yeah. No. Ugh…I don't even know anymore.”
“It's complicated?” Steven guessed.
"That's one way to put it. Sure, I've made some positive changes. But other changes weren't my choice. I look different, I act different…am I even human anymore?”
Steven blinked in shock. “Of course you are!”
“Am I?” Lars’ voice sounded defeated. “I feel like more of a zombie at this point. I was dead, I came back to life, I don't even have many human needs anymore. What even am I?”
Some more thoughts swarmed in his head as soon as he voiced that question that had crossed his mind so many times. Thoughts he couldn't ignore anymore, try as he might. For some reason, that question of humanity of all things was what caused the thoughts to worsen.
Lars sighed, shutting his eyes for a minute as if that would actually do anything to chase the thoughts away. He slowly opened his eyes again, a stronger look of hopelessness residing in them as the thoughts finally became too much to try and ignore or will away and a sense of panic began to set in. “I'm not human anymore, I'll be the only one left someday when everyone I know is gone, I'll see them die, I'll die alone…”
He trailed off as he felt a tightness begin to form in his chest and a sensation of pinpricks attack his eyes.
Great, just what I need, he thought, all too aware of what was coming next based on the evidence of years of breakdowns.
He was not going to cry. Not now. Not over something that he regrettably had no control over. And certainly not in front of someone, because how utterly mortifying would that be?
(There was one thing that had stayed consistent with his past self: he had always tried his best to avoid crying in front of anyone. He didn't always succeed, but no one needed to know that.)
He'd spent years fighting against a sensitive nature he tried so hard to conceal from everyone, and now of all times was when it decided to resurface? Even his own body was working against him now.
Steven seemed to notice the shift in mood, for he got up from his chair, moved into Lars' chair, sat next to him, and gently placed his arms around the taller boy's shoulders in a little hug.
The touch, while it felt soothing, also caused the feelings just below the surface to bubble up quicker.
But was Lars going to tell the younger boy to let go?
No.
Not at a time like this.
He reached up and laid a hand over one of Steven's smaller hands, trying to ground himself.
But he also refused to look at Steven. If he did, everything would come spilling out more than it already had. And that was always exactly what he tried to avoid.
Avoid as much as possible, he guessed he would say. He was already seconds away from breaking down as it was.
He wondered if he would ever move past the point of not wanting anyone to see him at his most vulnerable. He had managed to make changes in other areas, so was it too late to change in this one too?
Well, that being said…he had practically all the time in the world to change it.
He wished that thought didn't sound so depressing. Shouldn't it give him a sense of hope that he had so much time to make changes that had already proven to be difficult? Not just serve as a reminder of how he'd be left alone one day until the mercy of death finally came to save him?
He gave up on the fight to resist his feelings that were already so close to the surface and let the tears fall, not even caring much anymore that he was crying in front of someone.
(That was how he knew just how badly he was doing right now. Any other time, he'd be avoiding it like the plague.)
Steven noticed and tightened the hug a little. He didn't say anything for now though, instead letting an air of silence hang over the two of them and giving the other the space to just feel what he needed to feel.
Without realizing it, Lars began to clutch Steven's hand a bit tighter. He tried in vain to calm down and successfully combat his deep fear of being alone one day.
“Shh, you're okay,” the shorter boy whispered, not letting go and trying to be as reassuring as possible.
Lars wasn't quite sure if he believed those words, but they felt comforting to hear nonetheless.
And they also made it all the more difficult to compose himself.
So…a win with a drawback?
After some time passed, Lars took a deep breath, moved his hand off of Steven's, and rubbed at his eyes. He kept them glued to the floor, not ready to make eye contact after such a display of vulnerability.
That was another thing.
He'd always been told crying helped one feel better, so why wasn't that happening?
Why did it hardly ever happen every other time he'd had a breakdown? Why did it usually only make him feel worn out?
Apparently that was another scam.
…Or maybe the healing process was just that, a process.
But at the same time, he wished it was quicker and easier.
Steven looked over and let go. “Are you feeling any better?”
Lars shrugged, deciding not to lie or downplay things for once. It wasn't like it would be believable when he had just been crying. “A little, I guess. Not as much as I'd like, but I'll take it.”
Steven smiled a little. “Well, that's still a good sign.”
Lars managed to return the smile, small as it was. “Yeah. Thanks for listening. I guess I didn't realize how much I needed to talk about it until I'm literally breaking down.”
“In my experience, that's usually how it goes.”
"Same. You'd think I'd learn to talk things out sooner by now.”
Steven laughed a little. “I get that. But it's okay, you've got time.”
Lars nodded, the reminder surprisingly not worsening his mood for once. At least, not as much as it had just minutes ago. Not that it didn't still make him sad to think about. “Yeah. I do. And I guess all I can really do is spend time with those in my life while I still can. While they still can.”
“That's the spirit!” Steven beamed.
Lars looked over at Steven, feeling as if a bit of that sunshine that always radiated from the smaller boy was being transferred to him. “I guess it is.”
Steven looked back at him. “And remember, you have me too. I'll stick around as long as I can for you. Remember, I'm also able to live longer than most since I'm half-Gem.”
Lars paused, surprised that the younger boy was willing to use his own extended life to stick around for him.
(Granted, maybe he shouldn't have been surprised. The kid had already never given up on him and even brought him back to life.)
He shifted slightly and reached out, pulling the smaller boy into his arms.
Steven smiled a little and returned the hug.
The taller one remained silent for a minute, a million thoughts racing through his mind even as the hug helped to quiet them down a bit.
Steven glanced at him.
“...You’d better stick around,” Lars spoke in a hushed voice, looking down at Steven. “I don't know what I'd do without you.”
Even though he'd grown to be more open about his feelings, he was still a bit shocked to Even though he'd grown to be more open about his feelings, he was still a bit shocked to have admitted to needing someone that much.
Maybe it was selfish of him to ask that of the younger boy. Maybe it wasn't fair to ask Steven to stick around as long as possible and put so much dependence on him even if Steven had been the one to offer it. But he needed at least one person he grew up around to stay.
He needed to be able to remember who he was once the future lonely years started to take their toll on him and he began to grow into someone new, someone so drastically different from how he started out.
He needed to be able to remember where he came from once the world as he knew it started to become unrecognizable from what he once knew as home.
He needed to be able to remember that he still had at least a few people in his corner after the majority of his loved ones started to inevitably die.
He hoped he would never forget who he was and where he came from and his loved ones. The idea of it scared him.
Even more than that though, he needed his best friend.
He didn't add those specific words, but he had a feeling Steven picked up on them anyway.
A younger Steven, the one who looked up to the older boy so much just a few short years ago, would have jumped for joy at even just the thought of hearing something only half as nice come out of Lars’ mouth.
But now, after everything the two of them had gone through both individually and together, the words just gave Steven a bittersweet feeling: proud that Lars had reached a point where he could open up this much and sad that so much had to happen for him to finally get there. He could hear and feel how much Lars meant what he said. How much it hurt and scared him to know he'd eventually outlive those he cared about.
Steven tried his best to smile even as he was feeling a lot, too. The conversation about immortality had drawn some usually buried feelings out of him and reminded him that he had the same fate and complicated feelings surrounding it. But he tried to push that down and focus on Lars for now. His friend needed him. “Don't worry, Lars. I will. I don't know what I'd do without you, either.”
Lars tightened his hold on the smaller boy, the lump in his throat resurfacing and rendering him unable to reply. Once again, he found himself trying to hold in tears.
And of course, he lost that battle as soon as he felt the soft, reassuring embrace of Steven.
The pink boy hid his face in the shorter boy’s shoulder as if it would do anything to hide the fact that he was crying for the second time that day.
Not even just that day, the second time in a matter of minutes. That had to be a new record for him.
Since Lars currently wasn't looking and because Steven couldn't hold it in anymore either, he finally let his own tears fall. He tightened the hug, not even sure which one of them it was meant to comfort more.
Despite what Lars always told him, Steven didn't think he'd ever stop blaming himself for the fate that ultimately befell the older boy.
He didn't think he'd ever be able to look at Lars again without being reminded of everything they had gone through together. What Lars had gone through, how he'd become injured to the point of death, how Steven had been there to see it happen and was still traumatized by it.
It sounded so bad when Steven thought about it that way, how he couldn't look at one of his best friends without there being so much sadness and traumatic memories involved. But he guessed that just came with the territory of watching his friend die and bringing him back. Their relationship would always be colored with fear, pain, and pink.
Even putting aside the guilt and self-blame, Steven was currently feeling Lars’ pain as if it were his own. He could not only see but feel how sad and scared the taller boy was in the face of the lonely future that awaited him.
The lonely future that awaited Steven, too.
With being partially Gem didn't only come power, it also came pain.
Steven couldn't say that he never thought about his own longer life. Unfortunately, it crossed his mind more than he cared to admit.
One day, he would also outlive all the humans he knew and had grown up with.
All except for Lars.
Who, granted, wasn't only a human anymore. But the point remained the same. He was still someone Steven had known for years and still one of his best friends.
As guilty as Steven felt for having given Lars the immortality that he was now having a hard time coming to terms with, it was also a bit comforting in a way.
When the day finally came that all the humans they both used to know were gone, at least they would still have each other.
Just as Steven had told Lars when they were stuck together on the ship that would ultimately lead to all the changes that came about in both of them, he was glad that Lars would still be with him.
After a long few minutes, Steven began to scrub away the tears. He hoped that all the evidence would be erased by the time Lars looked up to see him again.
Unfortunately for him, it didn't go that way.
After brushing away the remnants of his own second breakdown, the space captain looked up from the shorter boy's shoulder. His expression grew concerned. “Steven, are you okay?”
Steven gave him a small smile, or at least attempted it. “I should be asking you that.”
“You already asked me that, and I already answered,” Lars pointed out, moving his head off of the younger boy's shoulder and sitting up to get a better look at him. “And now I'm worried about you, too. So what is it?”
Steven's smile faded. “Well…you know. Talking about the extended lifespan reminded me that it's something I also deal with. I'll also outlive the humans I know. And just like you, it makes me sad and scared to think about.”
Lars nodded.
Steven looked down at his hands, feeling a little too awkward to make eye contact. “I try not to think about it, but sometimes it'll just pop into my head. Just like everything else I've ever gone through.”
Lars gave him a sympathetic look, understanding the struggle as best he could. He may not have gone through everything Steven did, but he understood the woes of immortality all too well. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm sorry.”
Steven looked back up at him, the empathetic words making him feel a little better. “I don't know, seeing you so sad also made me sad. Especially because this is something we have in common.”
“It is,” Lars agreed. He continued to gaze down at the smaller boy. “As much as it sucks for both of us, I'm glad I'll at least still have you for a longer time.”
Steven gave a smile that came easier this time, and he leaned against the taller boy. “I'm glad I'll still have you, too. You mean so much to me.”
“You mean a lot to me too, buddy.” Lars reached over and put an arm around him.
Steven relaxed into the gentle touch, snuggling against his friend some more.
A thought came to him as he let himself rest in the other's hug: while their friendship was marred by their shared trauma, the love and care they shared was so much stronger than that. They had survived so much together already, and they would get through this too.
After all, they had practically all the time in the world to get through this particular hurdle. They would both always have someone who understood this specific pain. They could always talk it out and find comfort in each other.
The two of them spent a bit more time together, alternating between talking and silent introspection. They soon parted ways with the promise of another (hopefully happier next time) visit soon.
Steven returned to his room, thinking about the conversation he’d had with Lars. When he'd left earlier that day to spend time with his friend, he definitely hadn't expected it to turn into a depressing conversation full of existential angst and the grief that came with an extended lifespan.
But he was also glad they'd had that conversation. They had both needed to talk it out and share their worries, so Steven was glad he could both provide a listening ear for his friend and open up to him.
As for Lars, he also hadn't really expected to have a breakdown (well, two breakdowns) over his curse of immortality today. But it had admittedly felt cathartic to finally let it out and share all the fears that wouldn't stop plaguing him. It had especially helped to specifically open up to someone who got it, someone who he cared so much about.
Granted, Lars knew this wouldn't be the last time he'd think about how long he'd be alive. Or the last time he'd cry over it either, loath as he was to admit that. Or the last time he had a spell of anxiety from thinking about it. But at least he had Steven. He had someone that he could trust. Someone who understood. Someone who had unexpectedly become one of his best friends.
He hoped it would stay that way for a long time to come.