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It wasn't the heavy hum of the air moving past them, the rumble as the train wheels slid past the tracks and stony floor, or the vibrations of the glass window against his head that made Jimin realise he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. No, it was quiet enough. They were warm, exhausted, and had nothing to do except close their eyes and find relief. There was nothing more that Jimin wanted. Sleep would be a convenient exile from whatever strange and uninvited thoughts entered his head. What if we could make it work? What if it's different with me? Maybe they weren't so strange considering the setting. A long distance train through the mountains, nine hours and Taehyung.
Taehyung, clutching Jimin's arm, head resting precariously on the corner of Jimin's shoulder. Asleep with eyes fluttering every now and then, but never fully closing. Hair hanging over his forehead, and mouth open. He didn't look heavenly at all, or even peaceful. Even though he was asleep, something about Taehyung made Jimin nervous. Maybe it was the way his eyes wouldn't close, how Jimin could never be sure of whether Taehyung could see him or not, or the way there was no signal when he woke up. His eyes would flutter all night but that was no real indication that he was awake. Taehyung was probably the only person who could sleep erratically and Jimin didn't like being caught off guard.
It used to not bother him, and to an extent it was predictable. While Jimin could never sense the warnings of Taehyung's waking, Taehyung falling asleep was always announced by a sleepy grab onto the nearest of Jimin's limbs. If he could manage it, when they were close enough, Taehyung would wrap his arms around Jimin's entire body as if it were instinct, as if it was the way it had always been.
There had been a first time, maybe. Jimin couldn't remember. Maybe it was the time Taehyung's heater broke down in the winter and Jimin insisted that he come over or else he'd freeze to death. Or maybe it was one of the times they'd stayed the night at Seokjin's after one of his parties, curled up on the sofa bed with a crocheted blanket between them. Or maybe it was before all of that, back when they were in high school and Jimin had to sleep over after a recital, overcrowded on Taehyung's too small single bed under the space print bedsheets.
Either way it didn't matter. Every time before had felt the same. Taehyung's closeness warm and inviting against Jimin's skin, enveloping and soft. Once the threshold of fear and the rush of contact had passed, Jimin would sink into the feeling of assurance - of feeling important, and needed and maybe even loved.
Sometimes, in the dead of night, he would feel Taehyung's fingers dance through his hair, sliding through strands and combing gently passed his ears. Jimin didn't know whether or not Taehyung knew he was awake during these moments, he didn't know whether Taehyung knew how light a sleeper Jimin was. Part of him wanted to know for sure if Taehyung's lulling affection was meant for a conscious Jimin, but a bigger part of him didn't want to take the risk. He didn't want this to end. So in the darkness he would stay locked in his body and play dead, focusing on nothing but the lingering touch of the carefully drawn trails through his hair until inevitably Taehyung's fingers would fall slack as he drifted off to sleep again.
It was frightening. In the same way that falling asleep was always frightening. But with Taehyung, it was even more so because some mornings he was still there, and others he wasn't.
Maybe that was what made Jimin suggest the trip. Taehyung couldn't leave without warning if they had nothing but each other. Or maybe Jimin just wanted more than one night with Taehyung drawing shapes in his hair, consecutive nights where he could pretend that maybe this was their normal.
'We'll go hiking!'
'Since when did you like hiking, Chim?'
'You don't want to come with me?'
'You don't drive. I'm not driving. How would we even get there?'
Jimin laughed, raised his eyes at Taehyung and paused to pull something from his pocket. A smile crept across his face. He knew that Taehyung wouldn't say no, maybe he would pretend for a while that he had better things to do, but he wouldn't say no.
'Give me that brochure.'
Maybe it was because Jimin was so used to getting what he wanted from Taehyung that he wasn't surprised when they ended up spending each night curled up against each other in the tent, Taehyung's head buried in the back of Jimin's neck. Or maybe it was just the cold.
Taehyung's lips must have brushed against him once or twice in those seven nights. Not a kiss, but something close. By accident or intention, Jimin couldn't be sure. But again, maybe it was because he was so used to getting what he wanted, that he concluded it was intention. And maybe that's why he asked Taehyung:
'Why haven't you dated anyone yet?'
They crunched up the narrow track, with Taehyung in front. Noisy boots kicking rocks and twigs, a stick in one hand for balance, and a water bottle in the other.
'Come here, Jiminie. Have some water.' He stopped and waited for Jimin to approach.
When Jimin caught up Taehyung didn't pass the bottle. Instead he dropped his walking stick and placed his hand on Jimin's jaw and poured the water slowly into Jimin's mouth, careful and tender.
Jimin gulped, wiping droplets from his lips. 'You didn't answer?'
'Dating? I don't want to.'
'Why not?'
'I wouldn't be good at it.'
'I think you would be.' A lie.
'I'd...' Taehyung's eyes move from Jimin toward the trees below. 'I can't be what someone needs. I'd hurt them too much.'
He picked his stick back off the ground and continued to walk ahead of Jimin. The conversation was finished, Jimin could tell. Taehyung's footsteps had become focused and calculated as he began stepping over rocks and twigs, instead of kicking them out of the way. Maybe that was enough confirmation of what Jimin had always feared. That what he wanted wasn't going to happen, that every single plan for an I think I love you would be wasted on Taehyung, that maybe it was best that they were just plans.
But instinct as always would still find Taehyung folded up around Jimin's waist that night, eyes flickering and breathing deeply as the crickets chirped noisily around them.
Maybe it was instinct again that had Jimin wake up alone. He should have known that it wasn't other people that made Taehyung want to wander, but the wandering itself. In the mountains, this vast and limitless, how could Jimin compete?
The train continued its steady rhythm through the winding trails between the mountains, and as Jimin stared out to the unending foggy distance crouching over the green, he saw again what Taehyung wanted - something boundless.
Taehyung's head began to slide off Jimin's shoulder, but his grip on Jimin's arm still held. It felt tighter than usual, more desperate. But that could have just been how Jimin felt. He turned his face from the window and back to Taehyung whose mouth was still wide and eyes frighteningly open. Jimin couldn't help but smile for a moment before grief soon crept up on him as it began to seem more and more likely that the almost kisses were only accidental, and the fingers through his hair were more tendency than desire. His smile faded, and Taehyung's clutch suddenly felt hot against him, burning and unpleasant, unlike it had ever felt before. Maybe this trip was a terrible idea and trying to pretend was wrong, and maybe there's no world where Taehyung and him could fit, and maybe that would break his heart.
Jimin wriggled free of the grip, stirring Taehyung. Eyes stinging as he watched Taehyung's torso hang forward and head droop unsupported, Jimin's heart dropped. Taehyung looked helpless.
Jimin exhaled, wiping the tears from his own cheeks. Just watching Taehyung like this became impossible, so he wrapped an arm around Taehyung and pulled him to his chest, allowing him to rest in a position that was more comfortable for the both of them. Maybe he does need me. Secure in place, and their bodies still, Jimin dozed off again like every time before, and maybe this was enough for him. Maybe he could live with just this.
The night had settled in and the carriage went dark, only the faint glow of a safety light and the moon remaining.
'I love you,' Taehyung whispered.
But Jimin played dead.
Maybe, for the sake of his heart, it was for the best.