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After finishing up their schedules for the day, the members had naturally dispersed throughout the dorms, taking this free time to unwind and relax. Junseo was exhausted and had gotten into bed as soon as he’d washed up, propping himself up against the headboard with a book in his hands. The noise from the other side of the door, the shuffling of feet, the shower running, began to fade into the background.
Just then, his door was somewhat unceremoniously pulled open, and although he didn’t need to look up to know who it was, he did anyway. Sangwon met his eyes, and when Junseo raised an eyebrow, Sangwon simply shrugged and shook his head before closing the door behind him and stepping into the room. He flopped onto the bed at Junseo’s feet and curled up there like a cat, eyes fluttering shut as he let out a soft exhale, like he’d just put down something heavy he’d been carrying.
Junseo smiled softly to himself and went back to his book. He was used to this by now; it was far from the first time Sangwon had come into his room late at night in search of something he didn’t have the words for, but seemed to get from Junseo all the same. Junseo had never asked him to explain, although at first, he’d asked if Sangwon needed something—and every time, Sangwon would just shake his head, and Junseo would tell him, okay, stay as long as you like. And Sangwon did.
Sangwon always left eventually, still without saying anything, but just touching Junseo’s knee or his shoulder as a way of goodbye before shuffling back to his own room, his face softer and his shoulders less tense than when he came in.
The first few times it happened, Sangwon had sat in the chair at Junseo’s desk fiddling with something or just folding his arms and resting his head there, sometimes reading a book. Then he moved on to sitting on the floor leaning against Junseo’s bed, until one night, Junseo told him that if he wanted to he was welcome to just sit in his bed or lie down.
It took a few more late night visits before Sangwon finally accepted the offer, and from then on, it was always the bed. Sometimes he’d lie down like now and curl up, sometimes he’d sit with his back against the wall, sometimes reading, other times just closing his eyes and breathing.
A cool hand touched Junseo’s ankle, slender fingers slipping under his pants leg to press against his skin. Junseo looked around his book to see Sangwon with his eyes closed, absentmindedly rubbing his fingers across Junseo’s skin. Then, as suddenly as he had started, he withdrew his hand again and tucked it to his chest. Junseo went back to reading.
Over time, an unspoken rule had formed, a line in the sand they didn’t cross; Sangwon did not sleep there. It wasn’t that Junseo had ever said he couldn’t, it had just turned out that way, mostly because Sangwon never stayed. No matter how late it was, he’d always go back to his own room eventually, and although Junseo couldn’t be sure, he felt confident that Sangwon never actually slept when he came over. He just… was. For a little while, he existed closer to Junseo, like a high orbit satellite whose orbit took it closer to earth before drifting off again.
So Sangwon must’ve really been tired that night, because when Junseo finished the chapter some time later and put his book away, and he looked down at Sangwon, he saw quite clearly that he’d fallen asleep. He knew it from the way his breaths fell slower than usual, and how his expression had slipped into something completely unguarded, his lips slightly parted as he breathed through his nose.
Junseo knew he should wake him and make him go back to his own room, but couldn’t find it in himself to do so. Sangwon had looked so exhausted these past few days, with comeback preparations underway and a million other things to do. He was working himself to the bone, just like the rest of them, if not even harder—Sangwon carried a burden the rest of them did not, being the center of the group. How could Junseo wake him now that he saw with his own eyes he was getting some sleep?
He turned off his reading light and shifted his body so they were lying almost parallel to one another and he wouldn’t accidentally end up kicking Sangwon as they slept, ending up curled up too, trying to make himself fit on the width of the bed.
They weren’t exactly face to face, but this was much closer than their faces usually got, and seeing Sangwon this close up stirred something in Junseo’s chest that usually he fought hard to ignore, and although they weren’t actually touching, Junseo felt as if he was getting too close to something he shouldn’t. Like they were doing something they shouldn’t. What exactly that was, he couldn’t say, couldn’t even think. It wasn’t like the members didn’t share beds; Sanghyeon would often come up to their dorm and sneak into Anxin and Xinlong’s room, and occasionally Junseo’s own, in search of comfort and company.
But with Sangwon, it was different. With Sangwon, it mattered. If it had been Sanghyeon, he would’ve slung an arm around Junseo’s waist and held him in his sleep, and Junseo would’ve let him and thought nothing of it. If Sangwon had done that, would Junseo have let him too—and his immediate answer was that yes, of course he would—when had Sangwon ever reached out a hand and Junseo not taken it? The realization sat on his tongue, another secret to swallow.
It didn’t matter either way, he told himself, because Sangwon hadn’t, and he wouldn’t. He’d done what he usually did, curled up at the foot of Junseo’s bed, and he probably hadn’t intended to fall asleep, but it had happened like that, and nothing could be done now to change it.
He swallowed roughly and closed his eyes, taking a shaky breath. It didn’t… it was fine. He let himself drift off, lulled by the soft sound of Sangwon’s breathing.
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When he woke up the next morning, he found that his left hand was very warm. He blinked his eyes open, squinting into the half-dark, and saw that Sangwon was still sleeping next to him. A thin strip of sunlight fell through a gap in the curtains, illuminating the room enough for him to see that the reason his hand was warm was that Sangwon was holding it.
Sangwon’s skin was usually colder than Junseo’s; and he wasn’t sure when he’d noticed this and why he remembered it; but he did, and he supposed they must’ve been holding hands for a while, and that’s why their hands were both so warm. He wondered which one of them had reached out in their sleep or if it had been mutual, one animal seeking out another to have something to cling to. But now that he was awake, he knew he had to let go, and when he began to do so, Sangwon’s grip tightened and he pulled Junseo’s hand closer.
“Sangwon-ah…?” Junseo whispered.
“Mmh,” Sangwon said, just as quiet.
“Did I wake you up?”
Sangwon shook his head, eyes still closed. He shifted a bit in the bed to get closer to Junseo, then took his hand in both of his and lifted it to his face, his nose brushing Junseo’s fingers. Each breath Sangwon took caressed his skin like a gentle summer’s breeze.
“Your hands are so warm,” Sangwon said softly. His lips were so close to Junseo’s fingertips that they were almost brushing against them as he spoke, and Junseo had to bite back a shudder.
“Yours are usually cold,” Junseo said, a careful smile forming on his face. “Did you sleep alright? You were so curled up that I was a little worried, but… I didn’t have the heart to wake you. If you fell asleep in here, you must’ve really needed it.”
Sangwon hummed, opening his eyes a little and smiling back at him. “I slept better than I have in weeks, hyung.”
“Oh,” Junseo said. “I didn’t know you haven’t been sleeping well.”
“I didn’t tell you.”
“And I guess I didn’t ask, either. Is that why you’ve been coming to my room so often?”
Junseo regretted the question as soon as he’d asked it, feeling at once that he’d disturbed the moment somehow, a schoolboy throwing stones in the water and breaking the surface. Something complicated flickered in Sangwon’s expression, but it was gone too soon for Junseo to get a chance to place it.
“No,” Sangwon said. “No, not really.”
Another unspoken rule, self imposed more than anything, was that they didn’t talk about it—whatever it was. They didn’t mention it to any of the members, and Junseo didn’t ask why he came, and so when the answer was no, it was not because he wasn’t sleeping well, he didn’t ask what the actual reason was. He just nodded.
“Okay,” Junseo said. “Should we get up?”
Sangwon hesitated for a moment, then shook his head and closed his eyes again. Junseo felt he had no choice but to accept, and in truth, he wanted very badly to stay here in this moment forever. He didn’t want to get up, and he couldn’t say why he’d asked if Sangwon wanted to, except that sometimes we don’t say what we really want to do so that other people won’t know that we want to do them.
And besides, the alarm hadn’t rung yet. They were in no rush.
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A few days later, they once again had a packed schedule. By the time they were finally back at the dorms, it was well past midnight, and Junseo was exhausted. He took a quick shower and headed straight to bed, collapsing on top of it with a heavy sigh. He got under the covers, and just as he was about to drift off, the door to his bedroom creaked open and he saw the familiar silhouette of Sangwon in the doorway.
Instinctively, he shuffled sideways in his bed to make room, and taking the noise as confirmation that he was welcome inside, Sangwon stepped into his room and closed the door behind him. A few moments later, the bed dipped under Sangwon’s weight, and then he was lying down next to Junseo, who pulled the covers up over both of them and said nothing. Sangwon didn’t say anything either, but he let out a very long breath, and Junseo could somehow feel the tension of the day slipping off Sangwon’s shoulders, and he heard how his breathing grew slower and steadier.
Like the previous time Sangwon had come to his room and they’d laid next to each other, they weren’t quite touching, but simply took up the space that existed next to each other. Junseo wasn’t quite sure what to do with this new development, with this, them sleeping in the same bed, but it was perhaps just the natural evolution of what they’d been doing for months now.
Even going back so far as Boys Planet, they’d done something similar. When they shared a room during Whiplash, they had, of course, taken up the same space; but sometimes, when it was very late and they were both tired, Sangwon would get up and sit down at the foot of Junseo’s bed, and Junseo would let him. They did not touch. Like now, Sangwon’s orbit just took him a little closer to Junseo for a while, and then he’d get up again and lie down in his own bed again.
Junseo never asked then either, and Sangwon seemed grateful for it, for not having to explain, and it was perhaps this that made him come to Junseo even after they stopped being roommates, that made him want to keep existing near Junseo, and how they ended up on all those late night excursions to eat meat together, where often they’d just walk together in silence and eat in that silence too, content to just exist next to each other.
And even now, Sangwon’s orbit remained the same. Junseo didn’t question it. He was just glad that every now and then, they got to exist together like this.
As he looked at Sangwon, he saw that he was no more than a shape in the dark next to him, and Junseo traced the outline of him with his eyes; the slope of his nose, the steady rise and fall of his chest. Like he sensed Junseo’s eyes on him, Sangwon turned his head to look at him, and although he probably saw no more than a shape either, Junseo felt that Sangwon saw him as more than that, that he saw through him somehow. Sangwon did not ask anything, but Junseo nodded anyway, and then Sangwon turned onto his side so that they were face to face and curled up into a ball next to him. Their knees brushed under the covers, and neither of them moved. Sangwon tucked his face into the crook of his elbow, and Junseo shut his eyes and fell asleep.
When he woke up the next morning, Sangwon had gone.
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As with everything else, they didn’t talk about it, but it somehow naturally became part of their routine. This had happened before, from eating together to sitting together on the couch in the living room and watching things together, to sharing books and clothes and accessories, asking for Sangwon’s opinion before buying clothes, little habits would sneak into their daily lives until it was hard to remember a time before it. It was hard for Junseo now to imagine a world in which he did not know Sangwon.
It wasn’t every night, but often when they’d had a particularly packed schedule or a hard dance practice, Sangwon would slip into Junseo’s room and lie down next to him, always quick to drift off. Every now and then Sangwon would come even when they hadn’t had much to do, but restless and weary in some other way, emotional rather than physical. Sometimes, he’d still just come to lie at the foot of Junseo’s bed or read a book next to him and leave before falling asleep.
When Sangwon did fall asleep next to him, though, he was always gone when Junseo woke up. He didn’t quite understand how—Sangwon was normally hard to wake up, and when he slept in his own room, either their manager or Junseo himself would have to come into his room several times to wake him. But somehow, when he slept next to Junseo, he always woke up early.
Junseo was stirred from his thoughts when his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to see a message from one of their managers about the roommate assignments for their trip to Mongolia. They were in the car on the way to the airport, and Sangwon was asleep next to him, his head having tipped onto Junseo’s shoulder. Some small part of Junseo had hoped they’d be rooming together as they often did for overseas trips, but as he read the message, he found that he’d been given the solo room this time.
He looked at Sangwon out of the corner of his eye, taking in his sleeping form. It was just one night.
But later, when they’d finished shooting for the day and made their way back to the hotel, and Junseo had eaten and taken a shower, and was lying down in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, his chest began to feel oddly heavy. He turned onto his side, but that only made it worse; he was too aware of Sangwon not being there next to him as he looked into that empty space. He reached out into the darkness and traced the outline of where Sangwon usually lay with his fingers—the slope of his shoulders, the curl of his spine, it was all familiar to Junseo now, and he missed it, just as he missed the steady sound of Sangwon’s breathing.
The thing was that another unspoken rule had imposed itself upon them, or perhaps more accurately, Junseo had imposed it on himself. It was always Sangwon who came to Junseo’s room, not the other way around. It wasn’t because Junseo didn’t want to sleep next to or spend time with Sangwon, but because up until now, he hadn’t needed to because Sangwon would come to him.
Sangwon was the one orbiting Junseo, not the other way around, and he felt somehow that if he broke this rule Sangwon’s orbit might be broken too, and he might stop coming closer all together. Junseo was afraid of asking for too much, in fact, he was afraid of asking for anything at all. Sangwon had already given him so much.
So Junseo bit his tongue and turned onto his other side to stare instead into the emptiness of his room, and he squeezed his eyes shut, but despite how much he tried, he couldn’t seem to make himself relax. His shoulders felt oddly tense, and though he tried to steady his breathing it stayed uneven and shallow. He sighed wearily and grabbed his phone from the bedside table.
He’d just meant to put on some music to try and distract himself, but when he unlocked the screen, what stared back at him was his chat with Sangwon. Junseo had texted him a picture he’d taken of him while they were doing the shoot. He still hadn’t read the message, having been too busy, but as Junseo lay there staring at it, the little number next to the photo suddenly disappeared. Sangwon was awake too, and he’d opened their chat.
He waited to see if Sangwon would say something, but he could, of course, not know that Junseo was also awake and looking at their messages. If he did want to text Junseo, he might not, because he thought Junseo was asleep. He didn’t know Junseo was lying awake thinking about… about him. Sleeping next to him. Junseo didn’t need more from him than that, just for him to exist next to him in that quiet way he did.
That arbitrary rule of his lingered in the back of his mind, but Sangwon had said after that first night he’d fallen asleep in Junseo’s room that he’d slept better there than he had in weeks, and now he was awake despite how sleepy he’d been in the car—so maybe Sangwon couldn’t sleep either. Maybe it was a common burn.
And so, swallowing down both his fear and his pride, Junseo texted Sangwon.
Junseo
Sangwonnie, are you awake?
I can’t sleep…
The message was read at once. Sangwon was still there in the chat, and his reply was quick and short.
Sangwon
What’s your room number?
Although relief washed over Junseo as he read it, his heart did something painful in his chest. A little flame flickered there, something he thought he’d quenched long ago.
He clutched the phone tightly in his hand. He knew he should tell Sangwon that he didn’t need to come, that he was fine, but there was another thing he knew; he would not be able to sleep without Sangwon next to him.
Junseo
202
Sangwon
I’ll be there in 5
Again, Junseo’s heart did something in his chest he couldn’t describe. He wanted to say something else to Sangwon, something more, but he found himself overwhelmed and at a loss. It had taken enough of him to just reach out a hand to Sangwon, and he did not quite know what to do with himself now that Sangwon had taken it. Maybe Sangwon’s orbit wouldn’t break—maybe Junseo was not too much.
A few minutes later there was a knock on his door, and Junseo slipped out of bed and went to open it, finding Sangwon on the other side. His hair was a little disheveled and his chest rose and fell rapidly, and there was a slight flush on his cheeks, like he’d been in a hurry to get there. Junseo didn’t know what to do with that either, so he didn’t say anything.
“Hyung,” Sangwon said.
“Sangwon-ah,” Junseo replied.
Sangwon smiled gently at him in turn, and Junseo stepped aside to let him in and closed the door behind him, casting the room back into darkness once more, the only light that which filtered in through the not quite opaque curtains. Junseo watched the shape of Sangwon as he moved, taking of his hotel slippers and crawling into bed without asking any questions at all. He held up the covers for Junseo, and Junseo climbed back into bed to lie down next to him.
It felt different from usual somehow, although Sangwon was the same as always. The bed was smaller than Junseo’s so they ended up lying very close together, their legs brushing whenever one of them moved, and this time, Junseo had asked; it felt like a confession, though to what Junseo couldn’t say; or he could but didn’t dare to, not even to himself in his own mind. He felt small in the face of it, and was so terribly afraid.
Then Sangwon reached out and took Junseo’s hand in his own. Junseo blinked as he stared into the dark, only just able to make out the shape of their hands, the sight somewhat unfamiliar. Sangwon wasn’t big on touch, didn’t need it like some of the members did, and rarely initiated it. Mostly it was the younger members initiating it with him, and he let them and didn’t seem to mind. With Junseo, he’d always been a little more hesitant, and when they touched it was often coincidental; a brush of shoulders there, sitting thigh to thigh in the back of a car, Sangwon’s hands on his body as he helped him with choreography, fleeting nothing sort of touches that never lingered too long.
And while it was true that as their habit of spending time together before bed and sleeping next to each other had grown, Sangwon had slowly gotten more touchy, taking Junseo’s hand like this—he couldn’t help but feel that he was doing it for his sake. Because he knew Junseo and what he was like, that touch grounded him. That sometimes he needed it.
As if he’d been reading his mind, Sangwon squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Get some sleep, hyung,” he whispered. “You’re okay.”
Junseo took a shaky breath before nodding, not trusting his voice to not betray him, afraid that it’d show. He could just see the corners of Sangwon’s lips curl into a soft smile, and then Junseo’s eyes fluttered shut, and he finally began to drift off.
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When Junseo woke up the next morning he was surprised to find that he was not alone. He’d expected Sangwon to leave like he usually did when they’d slept next to each other, but there he was, sitting next to him in the bed. He’d woken up before Junseo and sat leaning against the headboard, looking at something on his phone, his other hand still holding Junseo’s, or was Junseo holding his? Had they held each other’s hands the whole night?
He began to let go of Sangwon’s hand, but this only made Sangwon tighten his grip. He turned to smile gently down at Junseo.
“Good morning hyung.”
“You’re still here,” Junseo replied.
“You thought I would leave?”
“You usually do.”
A beat. Sangwon was still smiling a little, but something sad flickered in his eyes just for a moment. “You finally needed me for once,” he said softly. “How could I leave you, hyung?”
Junseo’s heart clenched, and he swallowed roughly around a lump that was rapidly forming in the back of his throat. Before he could find the words, Sangwon continued.
“I never know what to do for you,” he said, “and you never take anything, and you don’t tell anyone when you’re going through something. At first, I started to feel like maybe you didn’t need things from me, but I didn’t think that was true either– you just never ask. But now you finally did.” He reached out with his free hand and brushed the hair out of Junseo’s eyes, fingertips grazing his forehead. “I know you don’t want to burden me– or anyone else, for that matter– but I wish you’d lean on me every now and then. You don’t even need to tell me why, just… if you need me, hyung, I’m there. So lean on me too sometimes, okay?”
It caught Junseo off guard to be seen through so easily, to have everything laid out in front of him so plainly. Sangwon had, as he so often did, seen into the deepest parts of him, and still he was holding his hand. He’d reached out for Junseo so many times, but being asked to do the same—to be the one to reach out—Junseo had always been bad at that, and Sangwon, of course, knew this too. That was why he was asking. He was reaching out a hand first and asking Junseo to take it.
“I… I’ll try,” Junseo said quietly. He bit his tongue for a moment. “Just… I’m not very good at it. At leaning on other people.”
“I know,” Sangwon said. “All I’m asking is that you try. If I knew you would tell me when you needed me, I wouldn’t worry about you half as much as I do now.”
The truth sat in the back of Junseo’s throat, and as he tried once more to swallow around it, it hurt, like it was a fish bone stuck there and not just words. What he wanted to say was that he needed Sangwon too much and too often, he’d just never had to admit it to himself before now because Sangwon would come to him. But being faced with it now, the sheer size and intensity of his want overwhelmed him.
Suddenly, the alarm went off, cutting through the quiet between them and reminding them of the world outside this room. Sangwon gave Junseo’s hand a final squeeze before reaching over and turning his alarm off and slipping out of bed. He stretched, and his shirt rose up to expose his stomach, lean muscle moving under pale skin. Junseo looked away, ashamed.
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Despite saying he’d try, when they get back to Korea, it continued to be Sangwon coming to Junseo. Even on the nights when he didn’t and where Junseo wanted to go to him, he didn’t. He wasn’t sure why. Both nights he’d lain awake telling himself he didn’t need anything, that he didn’t want anything, that he was fine—he was so used to denying himself things that it came easier than asking.
After one such night, Junseo was sitting on the couch in the back of the practice room breathing heavily. He’d barely slept at all. His phone buzzed next to him and he glanced at it, his heart immediately dropping into the pit of his stomach. He picked it up and hurried to unlock it with shaking hands, seeing several new messages in the WEi group chat and private messages to him from both Donghan and Yongha.
He quickly excused himself and left the practice room, all but running down the hall to the bathrooms where he locked himself in one of them and sank onto the closed toilet, staring down at his phone.
Donghan and Yongha were leaving OUI entertainment. They were going to enlist. Junseo might not be able to go and see them off because they’d be in the middle of the comeback promotion period. Before he knew it, tears were running down his cheeks steadily, and a choked sob left him. He hid his face in his hands as he cried, hoping to muffle the noise in case anyone came in. His heart felt heavy and he grew steadily more nauseous as it went on.
It took a few minutes before he managed to stop himself from crying any more, and another couple of minutes before he felt he could face himself in the mirror on the other side. When he finally stepped out of the stall again, his face was red and puffy. He considered lying and saying he’d gotten sick and going back to the dorms, but knew he couldn’t. They were shooting the music video soon and needed the practice, so he grit his teeth and went back to the practice room after splashing some cold water in his face.
As soon as Junseo walked in, he felt a familiar set of eyes on him. He turned his head to see Sangwon watching him, a question in the slight raise of his brow and the tilt of his head. Junseo shook his head, and Sangwon nodded.
Practice dragged on for hours upon hours. By the time they were piling into cars, Junseo was exhausted both mentally and physically. He’d kept tearing up during practice and having to swallow it down, pretending and putting on a smile. He felt so heavy now, too heavy for words, and what he wanted more than anything was to curl up in bed next to Sangwon, to listen to the sound of his steady breathing and know he was not entirely alone in the world.
Junseo was the first to take a shower, and as he stood under the running water he could no longer hold back the tears and began to weep openly, hand clamped over his mouth to try and stifle the noise. It was like something inside him had been torn open. He felt vulnerable, like he was one big open wound.
Once showered he laid down in his bed and waited. He listened as the others washed up, knowing Sangwon was usually last to do so. When he heard the familiar shuffling of Sangwon’s feet going down the hall and the sound of the bathroom door shutting, he slipped out of bed and into Sangwon’s empty room.
At first he paced, trying to decide where to wait for Sangwon to come back, eventually ending up on the edge of his bed. He put his face in his hands and tried to take deep breaths, but each one left him worse off than before, shaking like a leaf. Everything washed over him once more, the wound torn further open by his admittance that yes, he did need Sangwon too, he needed his comfort, his presence. Everything was too much and all at once. He felt so awfully small in the face of it all.
He didn’t realize Sangwon had come back to his room until slender arms made their way around him, and Sangwon was pulling him close. Junseo crumbled completely at finally being offered what he’d needed so desperately all day, and he turned and curled into Sangwon, holding onto whatever part he could, clinging to his shirt. He hid his face in the crook of Sangwon’s neck, the sobs leaving him like blood from a stone. Sangwon patted the back of his head gently, his other hand rubbing his back.
Like he’d promised, Sangwon said nothing, he didn’t ask. He simply held Junseo as he wept, and Junseo wept more than he thought he ever had before, not just for this, but for everything; for what he’d lost and what he’d gained. And all the while, Sangwon stroked his hair and held him close, letting him cry all he wanted, until he had nothing left and he was just dry heaving, trying desperately to catch his breath.
Junseo didn’t know how long they sat there together, holding and being held. All he knew was that when the crying finally stopped, Sangwon was still holding him. He didn’t dare lift his head, afraid of what Sangwon might see in his eyes, so he just kept clinging, his face still hidden in his neck.
Then Sangwon wrapped an arm around Junseo’s waist and dragged him down into the bed with him, throwing the cover over both of them and pulling Junseo close again. Junseo was too tired to fight it even knowing that he should, that he should pull away, that he should keep on the other side of that line in the sand. He still felt small and vulnerable, like a prey animal that had bared its stomach to a predator.
But Sangwon was not a predator—and even if he was, Junseo thought, he would still have come. He would’ve let Sangwon sink his claws into his fur, he would’ve still surrendered. He wondered if this was how Sangwon had felt the first time he came to Junseo’s room; a lamb offering itself up to the jaws of the wolf.
Sangwon tucked Junseo’s head under his chin and wrapped his arms tight around him, stubbornly, so that Junseo had no choice but to be enveloped. He buried his face in Sangwon’s shirt, breathing him in shakily. It felt strangely familiar to be lying like this.
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He had no recollection of having fallen asleep nor how long it had taken, and when he woke, he once again found himself surprised that Sangwon was still there. But this was Sangwon’s room; Junseo was the one who should sneak away, except they’d moved during the night and now Sangwon had an arm around his waist, and Junseo’s back was pressed to Sangwon’s chest, Sangwon’s cheek pressed to his shoulder. Even their legs were tangled together.
His heart still felt heavy, but he also felt he had no good excuse as to why he was here. He’d gotten what he wanted, hadn’t he? Slept next to Sangwon? What right did he have to take any more than that? He shifted in an attempt to free himself, only to be pulled back flush to Sangwon’s chest at once.
“Stay,” Sangwon murmured, pressing a hand to Junseo’s sternum.
“You’re awake?” Junseo said.
“Mmh,” Sangwon said. “You thought I was going to leave again, didn’t you?”
“I… no, I just…”
Sangwon hesitated for a moment, his fingers curling against Junseo’s shirt and digging into him a little. When Sangwon spoke again, his words were muffled, face now pressed to Junseo’s spine.
“I don’t leave in the morning because I don’t want to stay, hyung,” he said. “I just… I guess I was a little afraid of taking too much.”
“What do you mean?” Junseo asked.
Again, Sangwon hesitated before speaking. “I’ve been selfish,” he said quietly. “Because you never asked why, I just… I just kept coming, sometimes for comfort, and sometimes just… just to see you and be next to you for a little while, and you let me, and you don’t… you never ask.”
A beat. “I guess that makes me selfish too, then,” Junseo whispered. “I always… I always wish that you’d stay.”
He felt how Sangwon stilled, his breath catching in his throat and his grip on Junseo’s shirt tightening. “You do?” Sangwon asked.
“Every time.”
Sangwon softened behind him, some tension slipping off his shoulders. “You could’ve just asked.”
“So could you,” Junseo said.
At that, Sangwon laughed softly, squeezing Junseo’s waist before tugging at it and making him turn around. Now face to face, Junseo saw that Sangwon’s cheeks were a little flushed, and his eyes were a little wet.
“Thank you for letting me, hyung,” Sangwon said. Somehow Junseo knew what he meant even without saying it, but Sangwon continued anyway. “Thank you for letting me love you all this time.”
“Of course,” Junseo said. His voice came out a little shakier than he intended; the way Sangwon said it, it was almost like he thought Junseo wouldn’t let him anymore. “For as long as you want. Love me for as long as you want, and… love me in your way, and I’ll love you in mine.”
“Oh,” Sangwon said, and his voice was shaking too. “You love me?”
“You let me.”
Sangwon let out another soft laugh, this one equal parts desperate and disbelieving, and took Junseo’s face in his hands. What Junseo did not say was that he’d only just realized that yes, it was love—he did love Sangwon. And like the realization that Sangwon loved him, it came to him with a sudden and intense clarity, making everything around him at once more vivid than before, more beautiful.
Falling in love with Sangwon had been easy; it was not scary, like Junseo had thought love might be. It was more like stepping into a room you’d stepped into before and realizing you knew where everything was, what floorboards creaked, and how the window opened. Falling in love with Sangwon had been like coming home.
Looking back now, Junseo couldn’t place exactly when it might have happened, when he stopped thinking of him as just a friend, but it was somewhere between Sangwon sitting on the floor of his room and humming softly and Sangwon in his bed, not touching him but content to be next to him and not speak.
Just then, Sangwon leaned forwards and pressed his lips to Junseo’s. It was soft at first, a little hesitant, and it was obvious that it had been a long time since either of them had kissed someone. Junseo hadn’t kissed anybody since he finished shooting his drama, and those kisses had been… different. Not bad, but it had been work, acting, and this was neither of those things; it was almost painfully real and raw. Junseo felt like he was being cracked open, like Sangwon had reached into his chest and touched his heart directly.
Sangwon’s tongue slid across his bottom lip before taking it between his teeth, sucking gently before letting go again, and Junseo made a soft noise, his fingers curling in the fabric of Sangwon’s shirt. Taking his noise as encouragement, Sangwon pushed Junseo onto his back and rolled on top of him, using a knee to separate Junseo’s legs and settle between them. He placed one arm on the side of Junseo’s head, his fingers threading through his hair, and looked down at him through half-lidded eyes. His other hand found Junseo’s face again, his thumb brushing Junseo’s lips, his cheek, sliding down to rest against his pulse.
He kissed Junseo again, this time letting his tongue slip between Junseo’s lips to touch the roof of his mouth, and Junseo wanted to cry. Nobody had ever been this close before. Nobody had ever loved him this much, or if they had, they hadn’t told him. Sangwon’s tongue swirled around Junseo’s, his thumb rubbing against his jaw, then over his Adam’s apple, making Junseo inhale sharply. Sangwon made a content noise at that, satisfied, and deepened the kiss further, opening his mouth a little more, applying a little more pressure.
When Sangwon finally pulled away again, he didn’t go far, merely resting his forehead against Junseo’s and sighing happily. The fondness with which he looked down at Junseo was almost overwhelming in its intensity. Sangwon’s eyes took in every part of Junseo’s face, thumb still absentmindedly tracing patterns into his skin. He was breathing heavily, chest rising and falling and pressing against Junseo’s own. Then he leant down and pressed his lips to Junseo’s brow, each of his eyelids, the soft spot next to his nose, and finally his lips again, a little hungrier now. His fingers dug into Junseo’s neck, nails grazing lightly over his skin and sending shivers down Junseo’s spine.
“Sang– ah–” Junseo gasped, as Sangwon shifted to press his body more firmly against him, “the others will hear…” he said, although he put up no actual fight. He clutched Sangwon’s arm weakly.
As if on cue, they heard the sound of the door to Anxin and Xinlong’s room opening and closing, and the soft pattering of feet across the floor. Sangwon sighed, but pulled away again and let up the pressure.
“Another time,” Sangwon said, smiling gently. “We have all the time in the world now. I hope you meant what you said, hyung, about me loving you for as long as I want. I plan on loving you for a long, long time. Until we’re both old and gray and wrinkly and need each other’s help getting up. You’ll have to feed me soup.”
“Mmh, that long?” Junseo said, also breaking into a smile. “You’ve really thought ahead.”
“I’ve had a lot of time to think,” Sangwon replied. His smile turned into a grin, and he kissed the corner of Junseo’s mouth before rolling off him. “I even have baby names picked out. Or we could use them for cats, or dogs– maybe a bird?”
Junseo scoffed, but it broke into a laugh as Sangwon pinched his side. “Yah, I’m not getting a bird with you.”
“Is that a yes on the kids then?”
“I’ll think about it.”
Sangwon’s grin was so wide it nearly split his face, and he looked like he was about to kiss Junseo again, so Junseo sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He hadn’t forgotten what he’d been upset about last night, but it seemed somehow less scary now. He knew he would not have to face it alone.