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Commissioned artwork by xla-hainex on tumblr
The datapad in his hand should be the focus of his attention; Kristofer Shepard knows that. And maybe it is, in its own way. But though his eyes are focused upon it, he isn’t really seeing the updated information Admiral Hackett has sent.
The number of troops and ships they have available – too few.
The amount of eezo and other resources they have to build the Crucible project – not enough.
World upon world, system upon system being taken over by the Reapers – far, far too many.
It’s a puzzle – things like this always are – and there is a solution. But after months of searching, he’s yet to find it. He keeps a running checklist of what’s been done and what still needs doing inside his head; each bit of information another piece towards solving the problem.
Most days, he’s far too busy to think about the finer points. But there are moments – on the shuttle flight to a drop off point, in between negotiations, in those brief moments when searching for sleep – when they break through, reminders that he isn’t good enough, that the job isn’t done, that they have to win this; failure is not an option...
Somewhere, probably an old textbook from school, or maybe during his officer training, he recalls someone telling him, War is hell.
Until now, until this war, he hasn’t really understood.
He does now. They’re nearing the first anniversary of the Reapers’ arrival and there’s still no real light at the end of the tunnel to guide them. They always seem to be behind in everything they do.
Nothing is ever enough.
Disappointment and discouragement race through him, unbidden reminders of an early life where most saw him as not good enough coming to mind. It isn’t true, of course; even he knows that. Yet, the old memories never seem far away, especially these days.
Pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, he fights back the urge to launch the datapad across the room and instead tosses it onto a growing pile of similar ones on his desk. Covering his face with both hands, he takes a deep breath and attempts to steady himself.
Admiral Hackett is not his father or uncle, and his continued requests aren’t his way of dressing Kristofer down for not being good enough. They are an emphasis of just how desperate and dire their situation is; nothing more. Kris knows the sooner they can complete this weapon; the sooner they can use it against the Reapers. It all makes sense.
Lowering his hands, Kristofer’s gaze falls to the crystal lying next to his console. The one given to him by Urdnot Bakara. Taking it in his hand, he holds it for a long minute, focusing on the last discussion they’d had before she returned to the Kelphic Valley on Tuchanka.
What he would give to have her guidance right now...
Or a distraction. One hell of a distraction.
Behind him, the door unexpectedly whooshes open. Where most people might be startled by such an action, a slow smile spreads across his face. He recognizes the cadence of the booted steps on deck plating as they enter the room and, as he gets closer, feels just the faintest bristle of the hairs on his arms as the first hint of dark energy – contained and under control – moves up beside him.
If ever he’s needed a distraction, it’s now.
“There you are.”
Kaidan’s voice is his usual low, slightly gravelly rumble, always seeming to drop an extra octave whenever he catches Kris alone. Setting the crystal back next on his desk, Kris realizes just how lucky he is to have Kaidan back aboard the Normandy with him.
He turns. Their eyes connect. Kris’ smile slants slightly higher on the right side than the left. “Here I am,” he replies quietly. If Kaidan is surprised by his reaction, he doesn’t show it. Coming to a stop beside him and extending an arm in invitation, Kris takes the last step to close the distance between them. Leaning in, he ghosts a quick kiss across Kaidan’s lips. “If you’re looking for me, you must need something.”
Kaidan takes one of Kris’ hands in his and guides him down the stairs to the lower level of the loft they now share. “Maybe,” Kaidan agrees. “Come sit with me for a minute?”
Willingly – because the alternative is to wallow in memories and thoughts he’d just as well rather toss out the airlock – Kris nods.
But as they take a seat on the couch beside one another, he feels a tension around Kaidan that hadn’t been there when he arrived. Uncertain what’s going on, but sensing something isn’t right, he asks, “What’s going on?”
Kaidan keeps his hold on Kris’ hand, staring down at it and gently rubbing his thumb across the back of it while sitting in silence for a long moment.
Kris fights against the unease now trying to take hold.
Shifting, Kaidan leans so that his arms rest across his knees while still holding Kris’ hand still in his. “So, I’ve been thinking…”
Something in Kaidan’s tone – hesitation, uncertainty, Kris isn’t sure – pulls Kris back to a memory he hasn’t dared visit in many years. Hard and fast, he’s thrust back to that day in his quarters; a different time, a different discussion, one interrupted as the SSV Normandy had come under attack.
It all happens with a speed and fury that pulls the breath from Kris’ lungs just as surely as had happened when he found himself floating above Alchera.
Alchera...
His eyes slam shut, like a shield door, an attempt to stifle a pain he doesn’t want or have time to deal with right now.
He hadn’t wanted to die that day. Hadn’t wanted to leave Kaidan behind. Hadn’t wanted to keep Kaidan from knowing just how much he loved him – still loves him to this very day.
If only we’d had more time...
He sucks in a sharp breath, and his eyes fly open a second later, Kaidan now kneeling in front of him. Chest heaving as he tries to find air to breathe, Kaidan’s hands grasp his shoulders tightly as they give him just enough of a shake to pull Kris fully from the past. “Kristofer!”
Another ragged breath stutters into his lungs and he covers his face with his handswhile dropping his head. “S-sorry,” he rasps. “Sorry, just a flashback… a panic attack… I’ll... I’ll be okay in a minute…”
Kaidan moves to sit next to him again on the couch. “What happened?”
Slow, deep breaths. In and out. Kris can hear Dr. Chakwas’ instructions from the first time this had happened as if she were here in this room. Like back then, he does as told and eventually feels the last of the unease leaving.
The second he lowers his hands, Kaidan’s reaching for one again and laces their fingers together. It’s an anchor to the present, and Kris returns the pressure.
“Focus on my voice,” Kaidan murmurs. “I’m right here.”
Another stuttering breath ripples through him, as Kriss stammers, “I –”
“I’m here, Kris. I will always be here.”
Always.
Another minute or two pass before Kris spares Kaidan a side-glance. Noting the concern there, he finds a small smile. “Sorry,” he mumbles. “What were you saying?”
Kaidan searches his face carefully. “Perhaps I should wait,” he says after a moment. “I don’t want to bring on another attack.”
Kaidan’s hand withdraws from Kris’ back and he starts to move away, but Kris holds firmly with their joined hands. “You won’t,” he insists. “This was just a... fluke. I – I’m not even sure what caused it.”
Liar! an inner voice chastises.
The expression on Kaidan’s face seems to suggest he’d rather be anywhere but here right now, but Kris tries another smile. Small, but genuine. And he’s determined Kaidan remain where he is and tightens his hold on their hands.
In the end, it’s enough and Kaidan settles back into the seat beside him. “I was going to say that I’ve been thinking. About us, I mean.”
Us.
Kris blinks. That doesn’t sound good... does it? “Oh?” he manages in as normal a voice as possible.
He feels another tremble, but surprisingly, it’s in Kaidan’s hand this time, not from Kris himself.
What is going on?
Not looking directly at Kris at the moment, Kaidan says, “I was thinking that since we both seem to want this,” Kaidan lifts their joined hands, moving them back and forth between them twice, “then perhaps we should… make our arrangement more permanent?”
Permanent? Oh...
His breathing hitches again, but in surprise this time rather than panic. Half turning towards him, he watches Kaidan’s face closely even though he isn’t looking at him. “Kaidan, are you...”
Kaidan’s cheeks darken.
Embarrassment isn’t an emotion Kaidan often shares. Reaching over with their joined hands, Kris brushes his knuckles across Kaidan’s cheek. Kaidan leans into the touch. “I was thinking,” he repeats, “maybe we could get married.”
Whatever panic had assuaged him earlier, it’s now fully gone. Reaching to turn Kaidan’s face towards him, Kris leans in and gives him a very thorough and enthusiastic kiss.
“Is that a yes?” Kaidan asks with a half laugh when they break apart.
It isn’t what he expected when Kaidan walked into their room, but it’s the best distraction from the War he could ever have hoped for. Tipping his head until their foreheads touch, he whispers, “Kaidan, I’ve never wanted anything more...”