Archive of Our Own

Seungmin knows he has a few flaws, otherwise he’s practically perfect in every way. He’s considerate, he always puts himself in others shoes and he treats people with respect, if they deserve it. 

He doesn’t like bullies. He doesn’t like when people are cruel for cruelty’s sake. The issue with that is he’s learned to fight fire with fire, and he has a knife sharp wit, cutting down bullies with a few well-placed words. He only uses his powers for good, for those who deserve it. 

Or he tries to. He’s not quite sure what’s happening now. 

There’s a note in front of him, and it’s supposed to be his time for revenge. To make someone feel as badly as he did.

Maybe he should go back to the beginning, to elementary school when Seungmin, shy and sweet then, learned that the people you least expect can hurt you the most. 

It’s all Han Jisung’s fault. 

Jisung is a new transfer, shiny and exciting for all the kids that have grown up together. He starts off a little shy, but once all the kids start flocking to him, he opens up, starts joking and making friends with everyone in their class. 

Seungmin is one of those friends. For a time they even became best friends. Jisung is Seungmin’s very first best friend, which makes it worse with how everything ends up falling apart. 

Seungmin has friends, but they’re not true friends. His mom sets up play dates for him since he can’t seem to make friends on his own. He gets invited to all the birthday parties of kids in his class (like everyone else) and it isn’t like no one likes him, but he knows that he is no one’s first choice. It hurts, but he’s so used to it that he stopped feeling bad a long time ago—or it seems like a long time, he is only nine. 

But, with Jisung, their friendship clicks like it never has for Seungmin. The teacher has Jisung sit with Seungmin because he doesn’t have a desk mate, and Seungmin is so organized and doing the best in class, so he can help ease Jisung’s transition.

Seungmin is ecstatic! He likes helping and showing off how smart he is, but his mother says it can be rude when it looks like he's saying the other kids aren’t as smart as him. Which they aren’t, but Seungmin doesn’t want to be mean about it. But this way he can do it to help Jisung, and maybe he will think Seungmin is cool for his multiplication skills.

Jisung is quiet at first and because Seungmin has a job to do, he is able to make conversation about Jisung’s old school and what he was learning. This leads Jisung to admitting he isn’t the best at math or multiplication tables. 

“My old teacher made me feel stupid for not knowing and any time she asked me a question, even if I knew it, I’d panic and get it wrong.”

“That’s not very nice,” Seungmin says, already feeling his little hackles rising. “Ms. Keets is really nice. Sometimes she divides the class up in two groups, one where kids can work on their own, and another for kids that need a little bit more help so they can work with her without having the whole class listen in. And I could help you, if you wanted?”

“You wouldn’t make fun of me?”

“No! My mom says people learn differently and at different paces. It doesn’t mean anything bad, and as long as you’re trying, that’s all anyone can ask for.” Jisung smiles at Seungmin and for a moment it’s like the world stops because Jisung has a nice smile, makes Seungmin cheeks heat like he’s embarrassed, but he doesn’t feel embarrassed. He just wants to make Jisung smile like that all the time. 

Seungmin walks with Jisung to art class, where they get to sit with each other again! They even have lunch together, laughing as they switch what their mothers had made them. It’s the first time Seungmin has ever traded his lunch. He tries to play it cool, but he’s so happy he can’t stop grinning.

Jisung talks about his love for Marvel and Seungmin agrees wholeheartedly. It’s the most fun Seungmin has had at school, and when he gets home and tells his mother everything. 

“His old teacher was mean to him, but I said I would help him. He’s really nice and funny and his favourite is Iron Man, too!”

“That’s great. Maybe once he gets settled we could invite him over, if you want?”

Seungmin chokes on his spit as he nods frantically.

“Yes! That would be so much fun. And maybe we can watch all the Marvel movies in order?”

“Seungmin-ah, he can’t stay over for a week,” His mother says with a smile. “Let's just start with the first one, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Seungmin says, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt.

His mom tells him to wait until the end of the week before asking, so they can get to know each other better at school. They’re thick as thieves by the end of the second day, and the third day at lunch they're invited to a table with other fourth graders to eat lunch.

Seungmin is happy to be included, even if he knows it’s only because of Jisung, but he also liked how it was just the two of them before. 

The other boys are nice and he and Jisung are always invited. Seungmin starts making other friends with Felix and Jeongin, who are also on the shy side, but he always stays closest to Jisung. 

Seungmin invites Jisung over and gets his mom’s number so she can plan with his mom. Everything is set up by the weekend and Jisung comes over on Saturday to watch movies and play at the park by Seungmin’s house which happens to be a few blocks over from Jisung’s.

And then it becomes a weekly thing where Jisung will come over and sometimes Seungmin will go to his place. Seungmin loves that he has plans with someone who actually wants to hang out with him and appreciates his help with school and doesn’t call him a know-it-all.

He likes that when he goes to school he already knows who his partner will be when the teacher asks them to pair up, and how he has people to eat lunch with. Jisung starts to become more confident and it has Seungmin taking a backseat so he can make more friends like he wants to with the other boys, when he wants to show off the new toy his mom bought him for getting a B on his math test.

Everything is going well. Seungmin has a real friend in Jisung, and is starting to get closer to Felix and Jeongin, but never at the expense of Jisung. Jisung is his favourite. He looks forward to seeing him, talking to him, and making him laugh and laughing with him. Seungmin sometimes still blushes when Jisung stares at him for too long, but Seungmin thinks that must be normal.

And it is, technically. Just not the way Seungmin thinks it is.

Valentine’s Day is coming up and all the kids in his class have to get cards ready for each other. Seungmin doesn’t mind making valentines for the class, even if he isn’t close to everyone. He quickly scrawls out some nice words of encouragement for most of his classmates. For Felix and Jeongin he puts knock-knock jokes and adds thank you for being my friend. He even spruces theirs up with a couple extra hearts on the front.

For Jisung he goes all out. All the glitter and hearts, and he even uses stencils and a ruler to make sure everything looks perfect. He spends so much time on it his mom has to come over and ask him if he is ready for dinner.

“I just need a few more hearts and I'll be done,” Seungmin says, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he glues down a shimmering baby pink heart to dot the I in Jisung’s name.

“Oh, this looks really nice,” his mom says as she looks over the messy work table. “You outdid yourself with Jisung’s.”

“He’s my best friend. Best friends do this. I hope he likes it.”

“Of course he will,” his mom seems to pause. “So, you really like Jisung, don't you?”

“Yeah, he's the best!” Seungmin thinks she's going to say more, but she just ruffles his hair.

“You can clean all this up after dinner, but remember to wash your hands before you come to the table. It'll be ready in a few minutes.”  

Seungmin finishes up, washes his hands and goes to have dinner. He doesn’t know that his world is about to flip upside down.

Seungmin watches a show with his parents, gets some mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert, which his mom always calls disgusting, but he and his dad love and then he brushes his teeth.

But when he gets into bed he remembers that he wanted to ask his mom if she can take him to school earlier so he can set out all the valentines on everyone’s desks before class. 

Seungmin creeps down the stairs because he’s not supposed to get out of bed and doesn’t want to make too much noise. His mom and dad are still in the living room, tv flickering, but they’re talking softly to each other. 

Seungmin doesn’t want to eavesdrop… except he does. He likes finding things out. 

“He really likes Jisung,” his mom says. She sounds sad or worried or something that doesn’t seem right. 

“Heesung-ah, they’re kids. It may not mean what you think it does.”

“I’m not wrong about my son. He’s never been this excited and happy before.”

“It could be because he has a best friend. But, even if you’re right, I don’t think he understands yet, and until he does we just have to be there for him so he can come to us when he’s ready.”

“I don’t want him to get hurt, Jihoon.”

Seungmin creeps in a little more and sees his father take his mother’s hands in his. 

“I don’t either, but we can’t protect him from everything. If he has a crush on Jisung, it’s not going to go anywhere soon, they’re still playing with action figures. He doesn’t even know what it means. When they’re older, and if the feelings are still there, maybe Jisung will feel the same way. And if not, well, we can be a soft place for Seungmin to land.”

“I know. I don’t know why I’m so worried. He was just so lonely before and I don’t want him to go back to that.”

Seungmin stands just out of sight as his stomach feels funny. He knows what a crush is. Like when a boy in class, Mark, pulled Sarah’s ponytail because he liked her, and she pushed him down and told him that’s not how people should act if they like someone. Seungmin didn’t understand why Mark didn’t just treat her nicely. 

Nicely, like letting Jisung pick the movie even when he doesn’t watch them in order. Like how Seungmin always gives him the last snack or how he made Jisung’s valentine so much nicer than everyone else’s. 

He blushes, feeling sick and excited and strange. Jisung is his favourite person, but does it mean he has a crush, or does it mean they're best friends like his dad said? Maybe it's both.

His mom is a worrier, but his dad is reliable and laid back. He doesn't seem worried and that makes Seungmin feel better. He still wants to know what he's feeling for Jisung if it's not just friendship, not that he really knows what that means.

He doesn't end up asking to go to school early and creeps back to bed.

He thinks about what he knows of crushes, of like liking someone. People usually want to hold hands. If he really thinks about it, Seungmin wouldn't mind having Jisung hold his hand. It would be warm and comforting, like when his mom does it. 

He likes hanging out with Jisung; going to the park or playing video games or watching TV together. He likes watching Jisung’s eyes light up when Seungmin remembers his favourite snacks or something he said. He wishes they could hang out all the time and go back to their lunches without anyone else. Maybe Felix and Jeongin could sit with them sometimes though, because they don’t make Jisung act differently. But Jisung likes the attention and sometimes forgets about Seungmin, and it makes Seungmin feel like he’s not as fun or important, but Jisung always comes back, so it’s okay.

It doesn't matter if he has a crush on Jisung, he decides; it wouldn't be any different to how they are now, and that's fine by him. 

His mom does end up taking him a little earlier, and everything is great when he places Jisung’s big valentine on his desk. He can see how he may have gone a little overboard, but it’s too late and he is proud of what he made.

Jisung really likes Seungmin’s card, even if some of the other boys made fun of it. Jisung’s card isn’t the most artistic; he tried his best even though his hearts look a little mangled. He gives Seungmin a Snickers chocolate bar—Seungmin’s favourite—which makes it even better.

Seungmin is pretty certain he does have a crush when his stomach feels funny for Jisung’s gift, and not when Felix drew him a realistic Iron Man that while super cool, doesn’t make him feel like Jisung’s droopy hearts did. 

And that’s okay. It doesn’t change anything, but maybe one day he will get to hold Jisung’s hand.

Fourth grade goes by quickly and Jisung and Seungmin stay best friends through the summer to the start of grade five. And then a new shiny transfer comes in.

His name’s Minho. He seems nice and Jisung seems to think so too, if the way he wants them to make friends with him is anything to go by. Seungmin doesn’t really like it, and he doesn’t know why, so he doesn’t say anything and tries to make friends with Minho.

Jisung and Minho hit it off really quickly and Seungmin starts to get nervous, worried he’s about to lose his best friend. They still hang out, but Seungmin has to make sure Jisung hasn’t made plans already, and gets sad when Jisung wants to invite Minho to their movie days.

Lunch at school is one thing, but seeing Minho on the weekend at his house, eating the snacks that Seungmin only wanted Jisung to have, is another. 

They drift away a bit during fifth grade. It doesn’t help that they’re in different classes and Minho and Jisung hang out all the time. But Seungmin doesn’t revert back to his loner days and starts hanging out with Felix and Jeongin more. It’s different—still fun, but Seungmin is a little hesitant to get attached. Felix and Jeongin don’t seem to notice and always invite him along, they don’t get upset when Seungmin says he can’t because he finally has a Saturday with Jisung, and it works. It may not be how Seungmin wants it, but his dad tells him “that people grow up, and if they’re meant to be best friends they’ll find their way back to each other.”

Seungmin doesn't know if he and Jisung are meant to be, so he cries once his dad leaves his room, because what if they’re not? What if he’s losing Jisung and he can’t do anything about it?

Then some girls from their year have crushes on Minho, and keep trying to get him to pick one of them as his girlfriend. He turns them down nicely, but Jisung complains about it one day and it makes Seungmin feel sick.

“They’re always giggling and bothering us when we’re trying to play on the monkey bars,” Jisung pouts into the popcorn on his lap.

“Yeah,” Seungmin says. “Does it annoy Minho?”

Jisung shakes his head and shrugs making it look like he's shaking, hamster cheeks cutely filled with frustrated air. 

“No, I think he likes it,” Jisung says, like it’s unbelievable. 

“Well, did you tell him it bothers you?”

“No. If it makes him happy I don’t want to ruin it for him.”

Seungmin knows how that goes. And then he stills. Does Jisung have a crush on Minho? Does he like-like him? He probably does. Why would he be upset if he didn’t? He’s upset like Seungmin is and that makes him feel sick. 

“Yeah, you never want to hurt your friends,” Seungmin says and clears his throat when his words come out weird. 

“You get it. So, I’ll just live with it.”

Apparently, so will Seungmin.

Seungmin has some extracurricular testing he’s been going to because he’s been doing so well in school. He doesn’t know why his mom is making him do it when he’s doing well—seems like a strange punishment. It is kind of fun, though. Especially when he does well on them, too. 

He hasn’t been able to make plans with Jisung since he’s been studying and going to a different school than his regular one on weekends to do the tests. It’s only three weeks, but it feels like a lifetime. When he comes back Jisung is weird, off like he’s never been with Seungmin even as they’ve drifted apart. 

It’s not until he finds out Minho has a girlfriend that he gets why. He’s having lunch with Jisung as Minho goes to sit at Lucy’s table, holding hands as they eat with the other, grinning at one another. 

“Oh, he picked Lucy?” Seungmin asks, unthinkingly. Jisung glares at him.

“Yeah, and now he cancelled our plans to go to the park this weekend.”

Seungmin swallows the hurt that bubbles up. He thought they were hanging out this weekend because they hadn’t been able to for a while. 

“We…we can go, if you want?” Seungmin asks, hesitating like he hasn’t since the first time he asked Jisung to hang out. 

“I guess,” Jisung sighs. Seungmin tries to not let it bother him that Jisung is clearly settling for him. They’ll hang out and have so much fun, like they used to, before Minho. He’ll win him back to being his best friend and they can forget about Minho.

They do end up hanging out and it is fun, like how it used to be. They go to the park and run around, Seungmin’s dad even plays catch with them and Seungmin is really good at it, but Jisung isn’t. He doesn’t get mad when Seungmin helps him out and laughs at himself when he doesn’t end up catching the ball.

His mom lets them order pizza and have ice cream for dessert. They watch both Iron Man movies and their moms let Jisung stay over. They laugh and giggle all night, and Seungmin feels so much better now. He doesn’t even care about his crush, not as long as they’re still friends. 

Jisung sticks to his side at school for a few weeks, but then he’s back with the group of other boys. He doesn’t invite Seungmin to the table with him so he stays back with Felix and Jeongin, feeling worried that he did something wrong. They were fine yesterday, but today Jisung hasn’t talked to him. He can’t remember doing anything to annoy Jisung. Maybe he’s just too busy with the others.

“I heard the way to start dating is to give someone a note,” Felix says and Seungmin tunes in. 

“And write ‘please date me’?” Jeongin asks with confusion. Felix giggles.

“No. You write ‘will you be my girlfriend’ and then make two boxes: one with ‘yes’ and the other ‘no,’ and then ask them to check a box,” Felix explains. “That way they can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and it’s not like they’re saying it to your face.”

“Oh,” Seungmin says, thinking it over. “That’s pretty smart. But does it have to be for a girlfriend or could it be for a boyfriend?”

“Oh, do you want to ask Jisung?” Felix says much too loudly, even for the rowdy lunchroom.

“Shhh!” Seungmin looks around panicking. “I was just asking.”

“My mom says having a boyfriend is okay, but only when you’re older,” Jeongin pipes in. 

“But if you like him, you should do it,” Felix says, grinning. “Right, Innie?”

“Yeah, and the worst is that he checks ‘no’ and you never talk about it again, but at least you tried. My mom says trying is the most important part.”

Not the most reassuring, but still reassuring, oddly enough.

Plus, Seungmin figures now is the time. Today Jisung is acting weird, but they’ve been getting along better and Minho is still Lucy’s boyfriend. If Jisung will ever check ‘yes,’ it’ll be now.

With that, Seungmin is filled with the need to find out if Jisung wants to be his boyfriend and to hold hands. 

He goes home and tells his mom he’s doing homework, but he’s really writing his note. He goes through what seems like a billion sheets trying to make his writing neat and the boxes the same size.

When he’s done he thinks it looks nice and his writing looks extra straight even without lined paper. He folds it perfectly and puts it into the front pocket of his backpack, then gets to his homework.

He tries not to think about it, but he’s distracted through dinner and barely watches the show he and his parents watch every week night together. His mom asks if he’s okay and he just explains that he’s too tired since he doesn’t want to tell her what he’s doing tomorrow. He goes to bed at her urging even though he's not really tired. He’s excited and scared and unsure, but he’s still going to do it. It’s too late to turn back; he already wrote the note.

His palms are sweating in his first period class. Felix and Jeongin don’t ask if he’s doing it. Seungmin is sure that his sickly face is giving him away. 

He finds his opening at lunch. Jisung still hasn’t spoken to him today, but he waved back when Seungmin did this morning, so they must be okay. 

Seungmin’s steps stutter as he walks to Jisung. He wishes the other boys weren't around and he could do this more privately, but he's not ashamed. Although he will be embarrassed if Jisung rejects him. Seungmin knows Jisung will be nice about it, though, and that's all he can hope for if Jisung doesn't like him back.

His smile feels shaky when he meets Jisung’s eyes. Jisung doesn't smile back, but that's probably because Seungmin looks weird right now.

“Um, here,” Seungmin’s face goes hot when he realizes he doesn't have the note in hand. He swings his backpack around, hands sweaty and slipping as he tries to open the zipper. It takes a few tries which makes his face turn redder and he thinks he's going to melt into the ground. Finally! He gets the pocket open and takes the note out and shoves it at Jisung who takes it with a frown.

Seungmin watches Jisung open it up, heart feeling like it’s about to beat out of his chest, and he’s starting to feel a little dizzy. Jisung’s frown deepens and turns into a glare. Seungmin’s heart stops, or it feels like it.

And then, and then, Jisung crumples the note and drops it to the ground.

Seungmin feels his eyes sting. That was way worse than checking ‘no.’ That was mean and hurtful. Jisung turns away like Seungmin isn't his friend, isn't someone to be nice to, isn't anybody at all.

Seungmin turns around to go back to his lunch table, no longer hungry, and feels worse as he watches Felix’s excited and hopeful face turn to shock and then pity.

Jeongin sees Seungmin’s distress and rushes over, throwing an arm around his shoulders and bringing him to the table.

“What happened? Did he check ‘no?’” Felix asks frantically. Seungmin shakes his head, hating how he feels a couple tears fall down his cheeks.

“He crumpled it up and threw it on the floor.”

Felix gasps and Jeongin's hand tightens on his shoulder.

“He’s mean. He doesn't deserve to be your boyfriend,” Jeongin says darkly.

Maybe. Maybe Jisung is mean and doesn't deserve to be Seungmin’s boyfriend, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make Jisung his friend again, because there's no way they're friends now, if that's how Jisung treats him.

Seungmin can't stay through the rest of lunch and ends up going to the school nurse with a stomach ache. His mom comes to get him and he feels bad about lying. He's not really lying—his stomach does hurt, but not how it usually does when he's sick. This is different and Seungmin isn't sure he'll ever feel better.

He doesn't go to school the next day or the next, but by Friday his mom is freaking out and wants to take him to the doctor. He finally confesses to his crush, to the note, to Jisung crumpling it up.

“I don't want to go back to school,” Seungmin cries. His mom pulls him into her arms and rocks him like she used to do when he was younger.

“I'm sorry, baby, but you're going to have to. I know you're sad, but you have Felix and Jeongin. I'd just stick close to them. I'm sure Jisung didn't mean to hurt your feelings and he’ll apologize. But even if he doesn't, next year you'll be moving to a new school with new people and you'll make more friends. I know that doesn't help you now, but sometimes things hurt and you have to let them. You have your father and me and we love you and are proud of you for putting yourself out there, even if you are a bit too young to start dating.”

Seungmin doesn't want to make new friends. He wants Jisung to like him again. But he understands what his mom is saying even if he doesn't like it.

His mom lets him stay home on Friday, but says he has to go back on Monday–no excuses. In the days he’s been home, he’s made his peace with how Jisung acted and what it means for their friendship. Felix and Jeongin stopped by to see how he was doing yesterday and even though he was “sick,” his mom let them hang out in the backyard for a bit, before sending them on their way.

Jisung didn’t call or stop by while Seungmin was off, and that hurt more than anything else. If Jisung had apologized, Seungmin would have forgiven him. Even if he did a bad job of it, if he came to see him and wanted to get back to normal Seungmin would have gone along with it. But he didn’t come, didn’t care and now Seungmin doesn’t want to be friends with him. He’ll hang out with Felix and Jeongin, who are nice, and he’ll stay away from Jisung and the other boys and get over losing his best friend eventually. 

Sunday night before he goes to bed, his dad sits him down. 

“What Jisung did was cruel. He could have been confused, but that doesn’t give him the right to make you feel bad. He could have been kind about it, but he wasn’t. That’s not on you. That’s on him. I know you're brave and strong and I need you to keep being that when you go to school tomorrow. You didn’t do anything wrong and you have nothing to be embarrassed about, okay?”

“Yeah, but I still feel embarrassed,” he admits and his dad sighs. 

“That’s okay, too. Just remember that eventually you won’t, one day it won’t feel so bad, and you may even forget about it.”

Seungmin’s father was right about him no longer being embarrassed; it only took a few days back at school with Felix and Jeongin around him like guard dogs keeping him distracted from Jisung, before he stopped caring. Seungmin appreciated it because he wanted to be distracted. 

But he’s never forgotten.

He graduated elementary school and instead of going into the middle school everyone was supposed to go to, he went to a private academy where he had the testing all those weeks ago.

His mom told him about it before he graduated, and said he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to, but the option was there. It wasn't going to be as easy as school has been for him. He’d need to study and pay attention like he’s never needed to before, and he’d have to wear a uniform.

If his mother brought it up at the beginning of the year when he still had Jisung, he would have told her no way, but now that he knows Felix and Jeongin are also a block away (in opposite directions) and he isn’t worried about losing them, he decides to go. 

He doesn’t want to see Jisung, or his friends that had started teasing Seungmin because of his crush, and he wants the challenge of a new school. 

Seungmin goes to his fifth grade graduation with his head held high. He doesn’t bother trying to talk to Jisung or make an attempt to end things on friendly terms, because Seungmin wasn’t and would never be on friendly terms with Jisung again. 

Hopefully, he’ll never see him again either. 

But Jisung runs up to him as Seungmin follows his parents to the car.

“Seungmin-ah,” he calls. Seungmin turns around and he’s right back to meeting Jisung for the first time, all bright hopeful eyes and crooked smile. But it’s not the first time they’re meeting and Jisung hurt him and ignored him and never apologized, and they hadn’t spoken for the last half of the school year. 

“Nice knowing you, Jisung,” Seungmin says, not letting Jisung say whatever he clearly wants to. It doesn’t matter what it is. “Good luck next year.”

Because Seungmin isn’t going to be there anymore.

The private school is a blessing. It is challenging, but there are so many extracurricular programs like music and baseball and art and so many more that Seungmin is excited about. Seungmin isn’t the weird kid anymore and he makes friends. It even turns out that Jeongin has also been admitted for sixth grade, so he has someone he knew and liked with him to make things go smoother. 

Seungmin starts to feel more like himself after the hurt Jisung caused him. He doesn’t forget about Jisung. Felix ends up going to the same so his name is brought up every so often. Eventually Jisung and Felix reconnect, but it takes a while, Felix holds strong for years. It’s only in high school that he and Jisung become part of the same group again.

Seungmin isn’t upset. The few times Felix brings him up, he doesn't make an issue; he lets Felix tell his story and goes on with his life. Jeongin hates Jisung more than Seungmin does, at least outwardly, and by the time Seungmin is sixteen he realized there was no point holding a grudge. He can not like Jisung and still wish him well. Well, only for maturity’s sake. He doesn’t want Jisung doing too well.

Jeongin does not wish him well, but Felix and Seungmin know that Jeongin is very protective of them and they ignore him. It’s not like they have to hang out with Jisung, even if Felix does. 

But then Felix gets really close to Minho, who came out as bisexual in ninth grade and Felix has had a crush on ever since. Seungmin asks if he will give Minho a note and Felix rolls his eyes at him. Yeah, not such good advice, is it now?

But they’re still not together at twenty-one, and it’s actually becoming more pathetic than Seungmin’s secret grudge that he pretends he doesn't have. It isn't really a grudge because Seungmin doesn't think of Jisung often, but when he does he has to stop his lip from curling up in disgust.

Seungmin knows that Jisung isn't an asshole. Felix wouldn't be in any close proximity to him if that were the case, but it doesn't mean Seungmin wants to see him. It's easy to not come into contact, and maybe Seungmin has made it easier, never agreeing to certain occasions so they never meet. It’s never, in the twelve years since the ‘crumpling incident,’ been a problem.

Until now.

See, Seungmin has been particularly busy his last semester in college and he really doesn’t have any down time, that he isn’t sleeping and praying he doesn’t burn out before the year's end. Jeongin is also super busy and Felix somehow has the perfect schedule, and is doing so well in his classes that it seems like he breezes through school, while Seungmin and Jeongin suffer. But because of that Felix starts to spend more time with Minho and Jisung, who eventually become best friends forever, along with some of the other guys who they went to high school with. None of which were the bullies Jisung befriended. 

Felix doesn’t hide it, but he also doesn’t advertise especially in front of Jeongin, whose grudge surpasses even Seungmin’s for some reason. But Seungmin knows they hang out and is okay with it, or as okay as someone pretending they still don't secretly consider someone their nemesis from over a decade ago. So, not that okay, but mature enough to realize he’s being irrational and won’t take it out on Felix, especially when he and Jeongin weren’t around and he was allowed to have other friends. And Seungmin wants at least one of them to do well in the romance department since it won’t be him.

Seungmin would be happy to keep the status quo and keep himself and Jeongin away from any events that Jisung is invited to. However, Felix is throwing a wrench into those plans since he wants Jisung, Seungmin and himself to throw a group birthday party for all of them. 

He tries to say no as nicely as he can, but Felix begs and tells him how Jisung is one of his closest friends, and Seungmin is his best friend and their birthdays are so close, and wouldn’t it be nice to have a big party for once?

The answer to that is an obvious no, but Seungmin gives in because it’s hard to say no to Felix when he’s been so good about how shitty of a friend Seungmin has been because of school. And Felix even has Jeongin agreeing and pushing for the shared birthday party, leaving Seungmin resigned to his fate. Plus, Felix was so excited that it feels cruel not to let him have this.

“And you’re not still mad about what happened in fourth grade, right?” 

Seungmin says no, because he doesn’t think he’s mad exactly; he was never truly angry about what happened. He was upset and sad and confused, but not mad. Seungmin has grown up and he can be civil, even friendly, if it makes things easier for Felix. But that doesn’t mean he has to like Jisung. Being friendly will never mean being friends again, for Felix's sake or not.

The truth is, he pretends he’s grown up and no longer cares about what happened, but even after twelve years he’s still upset and sad and confused. And alright, maybe a little mad. He’s also petty, and refuses to buddy up to Jisung like it’s all water under the bridge. Because he was drowning at the time, and Jisung didn’t give a fuck. Maybe since they’re all grown up he should give some grace to Jisung since they were just kids, but he’s still never reached out over the years, not even through Felix, so it’s not like Jisung cared enough to fix what happened between them.

Seungmin will not be the one to make a big deal about it. If Jisung is cool with it, then Seungmin is ice cold.

Seungmin is not ice cold, he’s secretly raging inside. The anger makes him sweat, but he doesn’t let it show on his face. Felix has made Seungmin and Jisung meet up at a bakery to pick out a cake they want for their party.  

Seungmin tried to play it cool, arriving just as the clock struck one, and not a moment sooner. Felix and Jisung were early, sitting and chatting as they waited for Seungmin to arrive, as if this was normal, like they do this all the time. 

What makes it worse is Jisung still has the same kind eyes and crooked smile, and he turns them on Seungmin as he steps up to the table. Seungmin smiles back because he's not an animal, although he might be bearing his teeth. And of course, Jisung is now jacked. It wouldn’t be so bad if Seungmin didn’t feel like a string bean next to him, small and weak and insignificant, but he does. And if every guy Seungmin has hooked up with didn't also have bulging muscles. Seungmin has a type and Jisung fits it to a T excepting of course, being a dick to him years ago.

It shouldn’t make him upset, realizing that Jisung turned out hot. He never cared to look him up before to see how he’s grown up. It shouldn’t bother him, but it does, how the years have been kind to him while Seungmin is still a bitter loser. 

That’s not the only annoying part, Seungmin isn’t that crazy, but Jisung grins when he sees him, shakes his hand and pulls him into a hug, like they do that sort of thing. They do not. Seungmin stiffens in surprise and annoyance, but goes along with it because he’s not a psychopath. 

All that, Seungmin could brush off. Jisung is being polite, the ‘crumpling’ was so long ago, and how would he know Seungmin still remembers, let alone still feels upset about everything?

But it’s when Felix wants a triple chocolate cake, and Jisung turns to Seungmin.

“Is your favourite still vanilla with sprinkles?”

That’s what gets Seungmin pissed.

“Chocolate’s good, too,” Seungmin says like he doesn’t want to punch Jisung in the throat for remembering that, but not the fact that he never fucking apologized.

“Or we can have three types and have them put together. Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry shortcake for me. That way, we all get what we want since it’s for all of us.”

Seungmin wants to roll his eyes. It’s just a cake, chocolate is still good and would be a lot cheaper than making up some three-flavour cake.

“Oh! That’s such a good idea. Let’s do that.” Felix grins at Jisung, and then at Seungmin, who smiles back because Felix's smile is infectious. He can’t be a dick just because Jisung is being thoughtful, even though it makes him rage.

“Whatever you guys want. I’m easy,” Seungmin says because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to have a party or a shared party with a guy he hasn’t talked to in years, whose mere presence has him remembering the crushing feeling of being rejected and abandoned and now he has to play nice.

Fuck! He shouldn’t fucking care. He shouldn’t feel anything over what happened. 

“Hey, after we’re done here, do you guys want to go get lunch, my treat?” Jisung asks. Seungmin stops his lip from curling as Felix barks out a laugh.

“Your treat? Did hell freeze over? You never pay,” Felix says and Jisung blushes, eyes darting away.

“I pay sometimes. I just thought it would be nice to catch up and have a meal together.” Felix stops laughing and looks at Seungmin.

“I have plans, but you two enjoy,” Seungmin says. He’s mature enough not to say that he doesn’t think an hour lunch will be long enough to catch up on twelve years.

Seungmin does not have plans. He only really has plans with Jeongin and Felix, work, or his homework, so Felix cuts his eyes to him knowingly. Seungmin shrugs. He’ll agree to this party, agree to be in Jisung’s company and play nice, but they don’t have to make this something it’s not. He’s only doing this for Felix, so no need to have lunch or catch up or anything like that. 

Luckily, Felix doesn’t call him out. If he had, Seungmin doesn’t know if he’d be able to stay nice, especially with the little betrayal. He should know better, though, Felix wouldn’t do that. 

“Oh, uh, okay, maybe next time?” Jisung says. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Seungmin lies.

Seungmin is so annoyed after the meeting, and more annoyed because he should have realized just how not over what happened he is. 

It makes him feel pathetic and justified in turns. He knows it was a long time ago, but it’s still one of the cruelest things done to him, especially by someone he was friends with. And sure, Jisung was just a kid, but so was Seungmin. So was Seungmin, and it definitely coloured how he’s lived his life. Maybe he needs therapy, but he’s just more cautious when opening up to people now. And he will never confess first again, unless it’s insanely obvious the person likes him back. But even then maybe not, since the person will have to be much too intense for Seungmin.

Seungmin wonders if anyone would feel differently, like if Minho had been the one to crumple Felix’s note, and then Seungmin wanted him to buddy up with him years later, would he be cool with it? Seungmin doesn’t think so, he knows for a fucking fact Jeongin wouldn’t be cool with it. Felix is more forgiving, sees the best in people and he’s the one that has seen Jisung grow up and mature. Still, Seungmin thinks it would be a hard sell. 

Or maybe he’s an asshole, but he’s okay with that. 

He’s also irritated that he can’t talk to anyone about it. ‘Anyone’ being Felix—or Jeongin, since he’s looking forward to the party, and has also started hanging out with Felix and Jisung and the rest of their friends. Seungmin only learned that when he was about to talk some major shit and Jeongin let it slip. Which is a good thing, because then for sure it would become a whole thing.

Seungmin doesn’t want it to become anything more than a party he endures while he looks like he’s having a good time, and then never sees Jisung or Minho again. Minho, who he’s still a little jealous of, but more so now that he can see how much he and Felix are hanging out. Like what, this guy lives to steal Seungmin’s best friends, and apparently Jeongin is next?

So, he can’t talk to anyone and it simmers, making it even harder for him to act like a normal person when Felix has him pick out a place to have the party. 

The first place is a little bar that’s willing to let them rent it out for a decent price. Seungmin will need all the drinks to take the edge off and let him have a good time. 

“This place looks good, and the food is reasonable. You said they can give us a deal if we have more than forty people?” Seungmin asks. 

“Yeah, we should get the guest list down and see if we have enough people,” Felix says.

“This bar is nice, but keep your options open until we see the place I picked out,” Jisung says with a toothy grin. Seungmin can see he’s excited to show them what he’s found and he seems very confident they’d pick his choice. It makes Seungmin want to veto it on principle.

Jisung’s pick turns out to be an adult arcade. It has all the games and activities Seungmin likes to play, and they also have a deal on food and drinks if they rent out the place. It’s a little more to rent out, but Seungmin does the math and it’s a better deal on the food and drinks, so it’s basically the same price for each. 

“This place is so cool,” Felix exclaims, the resident gamer of their current trio. Seungmin games, but not to Felix’s extent, and he’s really into retro games. He could fuck up some Pac-Man, though. Which is exactly what this place has. Goddamit.

Now, he’s mad that this place is better and there’s no way for Seungmin to veto it without looking like a dick. 

“Yeah, this place is the one,” Seungmin says because he’s not a dick, and Jisung beams at him. 

“I knew you’d like it.”

Seungmin is so not a dick that he doesn’t tell Jisung that he doesn’t fucking know him at all. He smiles, but he’s pretty sure it doesn’t reach his eyes. Or maybe it does and he looks fucking deranged.

It turns out that Jisung's friend Changbin works at the arcade and told him about it and that’s another reason why they get such a good deal. 

“As long as we invite him,” Jisung says with a smirk. “He’s just moved into my building and seems like a really nice guy so I would have offered anyway.”

“The more the merrier,” Felix says and Seungmin agrees. The more people there are, the less likely Seungmin will have to hang out with Jisung. 

With the cake and the place picked out there’s no need for Seungmin to have to meet up with Jisung again before the party. He tries again to offer lunch, but this time Seungmin does have to work, so he offers a real excuse. 

He needs to start sending out resumes soon, but he’s giving himself a couple weeks to breathe. He doesn’t mind working at the cafe, he’s been doing it all throughout college and now that he knows he’s looking for a full time job in his field, nothing bothers him anymore since he’s on his way out. 

After his part-time shift of only four hours, he goes to the gym. He hates going, but he wants to get into the routine before he gets a desk job so he can stay active. 

As much as he really likes muscles, he prefers himself with a leaner frame, and sticks to cardio. He’s running on the treadmill when he sees a familiar face who notices him too and sends him a smirk that has him gritting his teeth. 

Minho.

Now, from what Seungmin has heard from Felix, he comes across like an asshole, but he’s secretly sweet and caring. He’s thoughtful and nice and isn’t afraid to confront his friends when something is amiss. He's gorgeous, which Seungmin’s sure doesn’t hurt Felix’s infatuation.

Minho walks straight up to Seungmin and greets him. 

“Excited for the party?” he asks with a knowing smirk. Seungmin is glad he’s huffing and puffing on the treadmill and doesn’t have to hide his annoyance.

“Yeah, should be fun,” Seungmin pants. Seungmin is lying. Drinking and playing games, eating good food with Felix, Jeongin and some friends he made from school will be fun. Dodging any interaction with Jisung? Not so much.

“The elementary gang is all back together,” Minho says. Seungmin doesn't scoff, but he does smirk. 

“You’re right, one night only, then back to our regular programming,” Seungmin replies. He shouldn’t have said it, but he’s had to keep quiet, not rock the boat, and he doesn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. And Minho rubs him the wrong fucking way.

“I told Jisung it was going to be hard to get you back,” Minho says casually. Seungmin stops his machine, missing his cool down, and takes a gulp of water from his bottle. 

“Get me back?” Seungmin laughs. “Back from where?”

“Back to where he should have checked ‘yes’ on your little note, and be one of those sickening couples that should have been together forever,” Minho explains.

Seungmin doesn't know how to process that. 

“That’s a bit much, don’t you think? And I doubt that would have happened, look at how easily we forgot about each other,” Seungmin says and goes to grab a wipe to clean his machine. 

“Something tells me you didn’t forget about him, and I know for a fact he didn’t forget about you. Or how could he have? Since the ninth grade when he finally got Felix into our friend group and spent so much time—like an embarrassing amount of time—making Felix let him look through your photos and socials. Which I’m betting still has less than twenty photos on it.”

“What?” Seungmin snaps, causing Minho’s eye to widen in shock. 

“Felix didn’t tell you?” 

“No, he did not.” 

“Oh, well, yeah,” Minho says smartly. “But it makes sense, right? With how those little assholes in fifth grade made fun of him for being your friend, and then you show up with a note asking him to be your boyfriend after they told him to stop hanging out with you? He tried to get them to like you and that ruined the chance.”

“Seems a little victim-blamey, for me, but yeah, it did ruin the chance for a lot of things. He picked them over me and that’s fine, we were just kids, but doesn’t change the fact that he did.”

“He didn’t know he was gay until I came out in highschool, and by then we were so close that even his parents' bigotry couldn’t make him stop being my friend. I think him seeing that I was still the same person and people supported me, especially my parents, finally made him realize the reason he agreed with those boys, the reason he got mad at you and never spoke to you, is because he knew deep down he would have checked ‘yes.’ He was scared and he didn’t have the same home life as you.”

Seungmin isn’t unsympathetic to Jisung growing up with bigoted and homophobic parents. Seungmin is lucky he didn’t, and that when he realized he was gay, also in grade nine funnily enough, although thinking of the Valentine’s Day card should have clued him in sooner and still makes him cringe with how obvious his little gay self was.

But, at any time after Jisung’s realization of why he did what he did, he could have reached out to Seungmin, if not to become friends again, then to apologize. Because regardless of either of their sexualities and beliefs, that has nothing to do with him hurting Seungmin’s feelings. They were young, they weren’t really going to date, they didn’t know anything about anything. Seungmin just wanted to be the best of friends and Jisung didn’t just say no, he literally threw Seungmin away like garbage. 

“Okay?” Seungmin says. He’s still not sure what this has to do with him. “Like, good for Jisung for finding and accepting who he is, and I hope his relationship with his parents is better or he got away from them. But what does that have to do with me?”

“Everything. Because when I came out, Felix said you did too—actually everyone kind of did that next year–but we were the pioneers, so Felix tried to hook us up.”

“Why the fuck would he do that?” Seungmin asks, shocked. That’s so dumb, who tries to set up the guy they like with their best friend? 

“I don’t know, but he showed me your picture. I did think you were cute, but Jisung said “never gonna happen,” and Felix went berserk. Asking why Jisung had such a problem with you, and why he hasn’t grown the fuck up. He said that you did nothing wrong and you’re the best person ever, and Jisung can go fuck himself if he thought I could do better.”

Seungmin is an adult. They are all turning twenty-two in the next couple of weeks. Why is Seungmin internally freaking out about shit that happened at fourteen? Shit he didn’t even know, shit his best friend didn’t fucking tell him? Okay, he’s pissed about that, but regardless, does it even matter? So, Jisung thinks he’s cute or whatever, Seungmin unfortunately thinks Jisung is also attractive, but that doesn't change anything. 

“Okay, well, to use Jisung’s words, that’s never going to happen,” Seungmin shrugs and finishes wiping down his machine. He wanted to do some light weights, but that was kind of a mic drop and now he needs to leave. 

Minho laughs, lowly. “Fuck, you’re still fucking pissed, aren’t you?”

Seungmin is in fact still fucking pissed, more pissed now than he’s ever been because Minho keeps fucking saying shit that doesn’t matter, doesn’t change things, doesn’t make a fucking difference to Seungmin. 

Seungmin turns around. 

“Did you know he was my first real friend?” Seungmin asks lightly. Minho stops smiling and shakes his head. “My first best friend,” Seungmin adds with a wry curl of his lips. “Makes sense though, right? I was weird. I was smarter than everyone and I knew it and I couldn’t help but make everyone else know it too.

“I still am an acquired taste, but I’m a little less annoying—at least when I want to be. I have a small group of friends from school, but my people are Felix and Jeongin, and they’ve always had my back. Liked me for me, even when others didn’t, even when people made fun of me. I never want to upset Felix and it would be unfair to have him choose, and now I have to make sure I don’t make Jeongin choose because he’s been added to your group and here I fucking am again without someone who chooses just me. 

“I have to have to have a big party for my birthday, which is really fucking humiliating when I have four people as my friends and one is the other birthday boy and the other is no longer my friend, which is petty, I know. And the other two are my friends, and I choose Felix and Jeongin over them when I have time. But then Felix and Jisung have all these friends and I’m still that fucking weird eight year old. But fine, whatever, I can deal with that. Mixing and mingling with people who came for them that don’t give a fuck about me, that don’t realize I’m the third until everyone sings happy birthday and it falls off on my name. That’s fine. Felix wanted it and I’ll do it for him.

“I was upset when I was asked or really told about this party, but whatever, right?” Seungmin smirks. “But then I have to go pick out a cake and Jisung remembers my favourite flavour. And I get a little more upset. Then he picks out a place that is really fucking cool and I can’t veto it to be a dick like I secretly wanted to because it’s everything I like and he says that. He says “I knew you’d like it.” And so now I’m even more upset. Now you’re telling me all this shit I didn’t know. Telling me or implying that he wants me back, whatever that means.” Seungmin hates that with a few words from Minho and he's opened the floodgates and let out years of resentment and hurt.

“You know what I meant,” Minho says, but he’s not as arrogant as before.

“Well, what? Is he going to kick you off the top friend spot and put me back in?”

“Don’t be obtuse. And in a way, yes.”

“You think we’re going to date? How would that even work?”

“Well, when a man and another man really like each—”

“Fuck off. Seriously, that would mean we both like each other.”

“You do. He’s been hung up on you for years. The whining I’ve had to hear is unbearable. How he was always hoping you’d come when Felix would invite you to our parties, but you never did. How he remembered all that shit about you from years ago and you said it yourself you haven’t changed so much and he hasn’t either. He’s still your best friend from childhood, just smarter.”

Seungmin wants to punch Minho in the throat. He doesn’t because Minho could kill him, but he wants to. He snorts instead.

“Smarter, is he?” Seungmin asks, head cocked to the side. “How smart is it to try to date someone who you’ve humiliated and abandoned and never fucking apologized to?” Seungmin doesn’t wait for a response. He’s said way too fucking much and he’s feeling stupid because Minho is right, he is still so fucking upset, and now Minho and everyone will know what he’s tried to hide for years. Because it’s stupid to still care about some kid crumpling his dumb little love note when they were nine. 

But he is and Jisung wasn’t just some kid.

Jisung is really looking forward to his birthday party. Seungmin is still a little standoffish, but he’s going to wear him down, get them back to being friends and then he’s going to finally ask him out. 

He’s not the best at planning, but the one he and Felix have come up with is definitely going to pan out, get Seungmin back in the fold. Jeongin has even come around, although that has a lot more to do with Hyunjin than it does Jisung, but that’s fine, Jisung will take what he can get. If Jeongin is semi (not really) on team Jisung, then Seungmin has to come around, right?

Seungmin still won’t come to lunch or hang out with him, but he’s sure that this party that he and Felix have basically planned with everything Seungmin likes will have to put him in a good enough mood to talk to Jisung. There will be alcohol and Felix says that Seungmin is a happy and playful drunk, so maybe he gets in there and they laugh and have a good time and when he sobers up he’ll remember the good times he had with Jisung and want to hang out again. 

It’s not foolproof, but it’s all Jisung has got. 

“You fucking moron!” Minho says, barging back into their apartment as Jisung and Felix are making some last minute decorations. 

“Me?” Felix squeaks and Minho turns glare falling into some soft sappy look. 

“Obviously, not you,” Minho says and turns back to Jisung, glare in place. “This fucking idiot.”

“Me? What the fuck did I do?”

“It’s not what you’ve done, but more what you haven’t fucking done.”

Minho doesn’t get angry like this, not usually, and it’s more frustrating than anything because he’s not making any sense.

Jisung sighs. 

“Explain it to me like I’m stupid,” he says. Minho scoffs and glares harder. 

“You are fucking stupid.”

“Okay, Jisung is an idiot. Tell us why.” Felix tries to steer the conversation. 

“So, this party is tailor-made to get Seungmin back into your life and date him, right?” Minho asks pointedly. Jisung blushes. 

“Well, yes and no. He needs to get to know me again and I need to make up for being a dick as a kid.” Jisung answers. Felix nods with him because he’s in on this plan.

“Right, such a good plan,” Minho says mockingly. “But tell me, how do you think that would work out, when in the twelve years since it’s happened you never apologized to him?”

Jisung stills. 

“Wait, you’ve never apologized to him?” Felix asks incredulously.

“I did…try,” Jisung says. He did try at their elementary school graduation and Seungmin told him “good luck next year.” Jisung thought he was still rightfully pissed, but he’d see him next year to apologize properly. He was even going to see if his mom could get him into whatever first-period class Seungmin had to make sure it happened. 

But Seungmin went to a private school, and Felix wouldn’t talk to him or help him apologize. Then it became even later and later, and he thought he was overthinking it as the years went by. 

And then it had been so long and he missed his chance. He’d have to hear Felix, and now Jeongin, talk about Seungmin and how good he’s doing, and isn’t it so funny when Seungmin doesn’t realize he’s being hit on? Oh, remember that time he didn’t realize a guy liked him until he was being taken back to his place. Yeah, real fucking funny. 

Jisung was running out of time to make everything right. He should have checked ‘yes’ even when he didn’t even fucking understand it. He shouldn’t have been so angry at Seungmin because the other kids were fucking jerks. Seungmin was so nice and so sweet and Jisung hurt him, and for what? To realize years later he was gay and that Seungmin is who he wants to be with?

Jisung has kept up with Seungmin to an unhinged degree, he admits. Asking Felix about him, going through his barely used socials, or the pictures Felix has that Seungmin doesn’t post. He tried making a fake profile, but Seungmin never accepted his friend request. He’s secretly gone to the cafe Seungmin works at and the open mic nights he’s performed at, and hid in the shadows like a creep.

He knows who Seungmin is, maybe not fully, but enough to know that if he can just get back in his life, just make him see that Jisung is still the same nerdy Marvel-loving kid, just older and smarter and now knows how to hold on to a good thing, that Seungmin would realize they'd be great together. 

“Fuck,” Felix says and shakes his head. “He must be raging.”

“He’s not happy,” Minho agrees. 

“You talked to him?” Jisung asks, shocked and a little jealous.

“Jesus, I said you were smarter now, but really there’s no brain in there. Yes, I talked to him. How did you think I knew you didn’t apologize?”

“So, he’s still mad at me?” Jisung says sheepishly. 

“Um, he kept using the word upset, but in that way that meant he was disappointed. Disappointed about a birthday party when he has no friends not tied to you two. Disappointed that you remember his favourite cake flavour, that the venue was everything he liked, but you seem to have forgotten that you never apologized for humiliating and hurting him. So, yeah I’d say he’s still mad, because you haven’t given him a reason not to be.”

Jisung puts his head in hands and groans. 

“He said all that to you?” Felix asks suspiciously. “Did you antagonize him? Because he made me believe that he was okay with this.”

Jisung watches Minho shrug. 

“I might have been a bit of a dick, but had I known he wasn’t just holding a grudge from a nine year old, I would have been nicer.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t say anything, though,” Felix says, sadly. 

“Well, why would he? You picked Jisung and even Jeongin picked Jisung.”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“Look at it from his perspective. Jisung hurts him as kids and for his own reasons sure, but Seungmin doesn’t know those reasons. You become Jisung’s friend, a close friend that you’re sharing a birthday party with, but to Seungmin, Jisung is still the kid that hurt him and never cared enough to apologize and then pretends that nothing happened. And they aren’t friends. They haven’t been friends. It’s worse than asking him to have a birthday party with you and Hyunjin who he doesn’t know. At least Hyunjin didn’t rip his heart out and step on it and act like nothing ever happened.”

“You are stupid,” Felix says to Jisung. “And now my best friend hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” Minho assures. “It’s just more complicated than we first thought."

“He just always seemed so over it. Like I could bring you up and he never said or did anything to make me think he didn’t want us to be friends.”

“Of course he didn’t. He probably hates that he’s still upset about something that happened when he was a kid, that it shouldn’t be such a big deal, and honestly, it probably wouldn’t be if Jisung either wasn’t still haunting his life, or he apologized at some fucking point.”

Jisung feels terrible. Felix always said Seungmin was so mature and level-headed. He knew he hurt him, he’s not denying that, but he thought Seungmin would understand that he tried to apologize and when Seungmin didn’t want to hear it, give him some time and yeah, life got in the way and he’s sure Seungmin wasn’t always thinking about Jisung and what he did, so he could just find a way to slip back into his life, do everything to show he cares and things would be good between them again. 

He has to man up and go apologize. And not just some little “I’m sorry,” a real, heartfelt apology. Because Jisung is sorry, he’s so fucking sorry. Even though they were only friends for a short time in the scheme of things, Seungmin was his first true friend. The first person who was excited and happy to hang out with him, and he fucked it up. 

 “But that's not the worst part,” Minho says. Jisung groans. 

“What now? What is worse than this?” Jisung practically shrieks. 

“Well, you can't just apologize now,” Minho explains. 

“What? Why? I’m still sorry.”

It’s Felix who answers, sounding upset.

“Because he's held that in for years. He wouldn’t want to seem petty or immature since you were a kid, but so was he.” Felix groans, looking disappointed. “I would bet he was secretly giving you time, but it’s up now, because he told Minho and he knows Minho would run to tell you. He won’t want the apology now, not if it only seems like you’re giving it because he wants it and not because you want to.”

“What do I do now?” Jisung isn’t good at apologies or putting himself out there or anything like that. He wanted to go find Seungmin when Felix tried to set him up with Minho. Not just because he was jealous, but that he was finally accepting himself and realizing what a piece of shit he was. Seungmin was flourishing, which he always knew would happen, and he wanted him back in his life—or if that wasn’t possible, just to know that Jisung knew he was an asshole and that’s not a reflection on Seungmin.

But he got scared, didn’t want to see that he meant nothing to Seungmin anymore. It had already been five years at that point and Jisung felt like a loser for still caring so much when Seungmin probably didn’t think of him at all. 

“Well, now you’re really going to have to work for it,” Minho says. 

“We’re done here right? I’m going to go find Seungmin.”

“You can’t just bring this up. It’ll only make it worse.”

“For who? Jisung? I don’t care about that. If I’ve hurt my friend I’m not going to wait twelve fucking years to apologize,” Felix says. Jisung winces. 

“No, for Seungmin. If he’s kept it in so long, and I got it out of him because he couldn’t hold it in, he’s going to feel a way about it,” Minho says.

“Yeah, he probably still doesn’t like you,” Felix tells him.

“He doesn’t like Minho?” Jisung asks.

“Yeah, because before you crumpled his little heart, and you dropped him for Minho as soon as he transferred in.”

“I didn’t drop him!” Jisung blurts out. He didn’t. Minho lived across the street and he could go over when his parents were fighting, or they were being assholes to him and it was nice. Minho’s mom never asked questions, could probably hear the yelling and knew that Jisung needed refuge. 

Jisung loved going to Seungmin’s house, but it always seemed so perfect and like he didn’t belong. Seungmin’s mom was so nice and warm and his dad would come play catch with them and it was different from Minho’s place: not so perfect, just right, just imperfect enough that Jisung didn’t feel like he was trying to be something he wasn’t. 

It wasn’t until years later, after he placed Seungmin so far on a pedestal, that he realized that was the problem. He thought he didn’t deserve to be friends with him and that Felix and Jeongin were better suited for him. But he never gave him up at that time—or, he didn’t think he did, he just distanced himself a little, just spent time with Seungmin as a reward for good behaviour, and maybe one day when he was good enough he could spend all his time with Seungmin.

But those fucking little assholes got into his stupid fucking head and he was worried they’d hurt Seungmin, take the bullying to the next level, and Jisung didn’t want that. He was a little stupid kid and so were the other boys, and Seungmin was too good for all of them and even though being friends with Seungmin was the best thing that ever happened to him, it was better if he stayed away and kept the other boys away too. 

“Fuck.” Jisung sighs. 

“Yeah, that about sums it up.”

There’s a week and a half before the party, and Jisung can assume Seungmin will make himself scarce until the day, because he already gave too much of himself away to Minho.

Jisung knew this would come to bite him in the ass one day, but he didn’t think it would be this hard. He was delusional that he could get Seungmin back, make him his, and then offer blow jobs and body worship to gain forgiveness. He’s pathetically horny over Seungmin, and a lot of these fantasies cater to what Jisung already wants to do to him. He just never thought hard enough about Seungmin not being his, and that he would still be angry and hate him and never want to see him again. That’s not something that makes him horny, only pathetic. 

Felix has left and Minho has gone into his room, leaving Jisung alone with the decorations of hearts with sparkles that reminded him of Seungmin’s valentine that Jisung loved, that he still has hidden away in his bottom nightstand drawer.

He thinks about what would happen if the situation with Seungmin were reversed. If Jisung was the one to gain his little boy courage and walked up to Seungmin and gave him the same note, only to be crumpled and thrown on the ground like trash. He’d be devastated, heartbroken and so fucking confused. He would have thought that even if Seungmin would say no, he wouldn’t be cruel about it because they were friends. But Jisung fucked that right up.

He felt sick for days after. He still went to school, still hung out with the boys, while Jeongin and Felix glared at him. He wanted to go see Seungmin, but that would ruin everything he did to protect him, so he couldn’t. 

Thinking about it now, he wouldn’t be over it either. It would eat into everything, especially if Seungmin decided to befriend Minho and he’d have to pretend it didn’t bother him. 

Minho said he couldn’t just apologize and he’s right. He has to prove how sorry he is, not just with words. Although, he’s still going to use his words; he’s going to write all his thoughts and reasons and how he felt, how he still feels, and pour everything he has in a letter, and maybe he’ll get Seungmin to read it. But he has to do more. He has to have a plan, far better than the original, to get Seungmin back. 

He’s going to do it. Not just to have Seungmin in his life—although hope springs eternal—he wants to do it so Seungmin doesn’t have to carry the burden, the resentment and embarrassment that Jisung has caused. He wants Seungmin to be okay and happy, even if he decides to have nothing to do with Jisung after. But he has to try.

By the time Seungmin gets home he has flipped and flopped from being justified in his anger and speaking his mind, to feeling mortified, and back and forth and back and forth. 

He’s merged those feelings so he’s mortified and angry, and keeps himself to his room. Minho is a good friend; as much as his existence annoys Seungmin because he’s incapable of not being petty. He knows Minho would have gone and told Jisung everything, and if he remembers correctly Felix would also be there and hear.

He never wanted Felix involved, even if Felix is trying to bring the gang back together. Really, it’s Seungmin’s fault he didn’t shut this down. But still, Felix didn’t know how Seungmin felt because he never told him. Seungmin has portrayed himself as above resentment and regret, moving forward to make something of himself. Of couse Felix didn’t realize he still held on to a school yard grudge. 

Jisung will apologize now because he knows Seungmin is still a weak, sensitive child, and Seungmin will forgive him to keep the peace. He’ll make sure to be upbeat and cheerful and look like he’s having fun at the party, that everything is water under the bridge. Maybe he’ll say yes to a few of those hang outs he’s always denied and then slowly distance himself again. 

He knows it shouldn’t hurt him like it does, but it’s worse now. Jisung seems to love taking everything away from him. His friendship along with Felix and Jeongin’s, too. He’s not that good of an actor, he wouldn’t be able to continue putting himself in uncomfortable positions just to keep the peace. 

If that means losing everyone, then at least he’ll have himself. 

He sleeps like the dead. Stress always does that to him, which is a good thing, since for others it usually gives them a hard time. 

He decides to go out for coffee to give him something to do, and where he won’t be accosted by Felix or Jeongin, who probably know everything now. 

There’s a package at the door addressed to Seungmin. He doesn’t remember ordering anything, but it’s not so out of the realm of possibility that he picks it up and brings it inside. 

When he opens it he finds an assortment of chocolate bars. Not just any chocolate bar, but his favourite since he was a kid. Snickers of all kinds: king size, regular, minis, all the flavours except almond, the one he dislikes. 

He remembers having a way too in-depth conversation with Jisung around Halloween that year they were best friends, about his thoughts on chocolate bars. There’s even a mini Dairy Milk in the package, Jisung’s favourite, so he has a pretty good idea who sent it. 

He angrily throws everything in the trash. Then he feels bad about wasting perfectly good chocolate, and takes it out and brings it to his room. Just because he’ll eat it doesn’t mean Jisung can send this and expect everything to be better.

It would be different had Jisung ever opened his stupid fucking mouth and apologized, at nine or fourteen or seventeen. He even would have taken it at twenty-one years old when they all met up to pick out the cake. Seungmin can’t forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness. Not for this at least, it’s more pathetic that he’s been holding out hope for too many years to finally hear it, but he’s not giving in now. 

He leaves the package on his bed and then goes to get his coffee from his favourite cafe, the one he works part time at. Wooyoung is there and grins at him. By the time the line moves and Seungmin is ready to order, Wooyoung shakes his head.

“Seems like you have a little muscled admirer,” he says. Seungmin stills. No way.

“What?”

“Yep, some guy came in this morning and paid for your coffee for the foreseeable future, so you can put your card away, San is already making your iced americano for you.”

“What.”

“Yep,” Wooyoung chirps, clearly not reading the anger on Seungmin’s face. “I’m glad you’ve finally found your one true gym bro, like I have,” he says and stares adoringly at San, who wiggles his eyebrows and flexes as he puts Seungmin’s drink on the pick-up table. 

“How foreseeable?” Seungmin asks, not that he cares, obviously, but he would like to know how many free drinks he has waiting for him. 

“He paid upfront for roughly forty medium iced americanos. You do sometimes get a large or a latte so might be less. But no—forty because we work here and we will let the dollar here and there slide.”

It is a nice thing Jisung has done, Seungmin can’t deny. He still doesn’t like him, but he can appreciate the thought, the consideration even if it took breaking down to Minho. 

Or that’s not exactly true, he did let Seungmin get his favourite cake, one of the only saving graces to the party, and he did pick a place he knew Seungmin would love. And he does have a lot of chocolate bars to get him through the stress of applying to jobs and interviews. 

Still, it’s no apology and so Seungmin doesn’t need to thank him. He will take the free drinks, though. 

He decides to stroll around instead of going straight back home. It is always nice to enjoy free things, so his iced americano tastes better than normal. Not because Jisung bought it, and clearly thinks about him, and apparently likes him likes him as per Minho, and has whined and been sad about not having Seungmin in his life. No, it’s nicer because someone, anyone, other than Seungmin bought it. 

When he gets home Felix and Jeongin are in the living room. He tries to be normal, say a quick greeting and go back to hiding in his room, but Felix calls out. 

“Hey Minnie, can we talk to you?” Felix sounds hesitant and that’s not like him at all. Seungmin holds back a sigh because he has a feeling he knows what this is about and he really doesn’t want to deal with it. He’s an avoidant through and through, but Felix is not, and he’ll want to settle this. 

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?” Seungmin says casually as he flops down on the couch. 

“Well,” Felix says and clears his throat. “Um, I heard from Minho what you said yesterday.”

Seungmin wonders how much Minho told him. Did he give them a detailed play by play, or a summary?

“I figured,” he answers neutrally. 

“I didn’t realize how upset you still felt about Jisung. I didn’t know I was hurting you when I became his friend and yeah, I thought having this birthday and you seeing how much he’s changed, and how despite being a little asshole when he was younger he really is a good person, would help you want to hang out with us all.”

“Yeah, I got that as well,” is Seungmin’s non-answer. 

“I didn’t realize he never properly apologized to you. If I did, well, I would have smacked him for starters, and I would have known you were upset, because I know you need the words. You need his remorse, and I would too.”

“I was a little more agitated yesterday than I normally am, so it’s not that big of a deal. I still want you to have the party you want with your friends, so it’s okay you didn’t know, you were just being you,” Seungmin tries to assure.

“But you’re my friend first and I hurt you and I never want to do that. I’m sorry, Minnie,” Felix says remorsefully, voice deeper and more genuine.

“I’m sorry, too,” Jeongin interjects awkwardly. “I, uh, talked to Jisung before I started hanging out with him. You know, to give him the talking to that I’ve always wanted to, and to make sure he had grown up and realized how stupid he was. From that talk, I really got the impression that he’d smartened up, and that he had made amends and I assumed, which clearly I shouldn’t have, that you were just unsure because it’s been so long and he hurt you and you’ve stayed pretty distant. I thought if I could let go of my anger—because you know how pissed I was when Felix started hanging around them—that you could, too.”

“This is why I didn’t want to say anything. I’m not mad and I’m not holding on to my anger.” That’s a lie. “I’m still a little hurt, I won’t lie.” At least there’s that. “But it’s been so long. I’m not in that friend group. I don’t know him anymore. We may have been friends once, but I guess, I don’t see any reason to get that friendship back. He’s been fine for years, and now all of a sudden he’s trying? I don’t get it. I get why you are,” Seungmin says to Felix. “And Jeongin as well, but I don’t see the point in dragging me into it.”

“I just think it would be nice for us all to be friends. And you guys like the same things! Not that I don’t like doing stuff with you, but wouldn’t you like a friend that’s into your interests because they’re his interests, too?” Felix asks earnestly.

Seungmin sighs. He seems to be doing that a lot lately and it’s annoying.

“If you don’t want to do things with me, I can do them alone.”

“That’s not what I said. I don’t want you to do things alone. I want you to have more people to do them with.”

“So would I, but I don’t really want it to be the person who made me feel like shit and never reached out. Jesus, Felix he was friends with you for years and never said a thing and now we’re having a party together? It’s ridiculous. And—” he cuts himself off. He’s said enough.

“And what?” Felix asks. Seungmin shakes his head. He doesn’t want to get into this. He just wants to get this party over with. “No, say it. You keep not saying things and I don’t know what’s going on.”

“And I feel backed into a corner. I couldn’t say no because the party will make you happy and then Jeongin got in on it and then even though Jisung’s the asshole and he’s never apologized and never tried to make amends in the years he’s known where I am, I’d be the dick for saying no. Because why can’t I just get over it? But why the fuck should I?”

“We can cancel it, then.”

Seungmin groans. “No. We are not cancelling it. We will have the party and we will have fun and you’ll keep this conversation to yourself, just like you’ve kept others you haven’t told me about. Okay?”

“What did Minho say to you?”

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just be cool about it. Like I’ve been saying I don’t want to make a big deal about it, because it isn’t. It’s uncomfortable, but I’ve dealt with being uncomfortable my whole life and I can do it again.”

“That’s not what I want,” Felix says. 

“Yeah, well, sometimes we don’t get what we want. Let me get what I want. Let us not make a bigger deal out of it than we already have.”

“We won’t say anything,” Jeongin says before Felix can argue further. 

“Thank you.”

The next day there’s an Iron Man funko pop delivered to his door. 

The next are two records by Radiohead, The Bends and Pablo Honey. Seungmin loves Radiohead, and he’s recently bought a record player, but he doesn’t think it’s anything Felix would bring up to Jisung. Okay, now he has to ask some questions. 

“Did you tell Jisung I like Radiohead?” As he’s asking, he feels embarrassment take hold. What if it’s not Jisung sending the gifts? What if it’s Felix or Jeongin or his fucking parents? Who all know his favourite things.

“Not to my knowledge,” Felix says looking up from playing video games on their couch. 

“Oh, okay,” Seungmin says and tries to make a dash for it. It’s not Jisung, why would he think it would be? So, Minho said he liked him and thought if Jisung checked yes they'd be together to this day. 

“Why?”

“No reason. Don’t mind me,” Seungmin turns to leave again. 

“Hey, obviously there is a reason.”

“Take this to the fucking grave, I’m only saying this because of how annoying you are when you want to know things. Someone has been sending me things and because what the first packages were I thought it could have been him, okay? Fuck off and never talk to me again.”

“Did you want them to be?”

“What the hell is hard to understand about ‘fuck off and never talk to me again?’” Seungmin feels his entire body go up in flames of mortification. 

“Okay, okay, it is probably him,” Felix says. “He figures out stuff for himself sometimes and I know you don’t want me to make a big deal out of things and I won’t, I’m out of the game. However, when I was still in said game, Minho told Jisung that he can’t just apologize with words, but that he’d have to work harder at it.”

Seungmin had assumed that’s what was happening, but now he’s not so sure. 

“How would he know, though?”

Felix looks thoughtful.

“Oh, Radiohead, you said?” Seungmin nods. “Haven’t you sung them during open mic at the cafe?”

Oh, he has, but Jisung wasn’t there. “Yes, but he wasn’t there?”

“Sure about that? He’s a creep, he’s a weirdoooo,” Felix sings and laughs.  

“No way. I would have seen him,” Seungmin argues. But one album has “High and Dry” which is the one he sang at open mic night and the other has “Creep” on it. Jisung could be funny.

“Not necessarily, especially if you weren’t expecting to see him. And you get pretty in the zone when you’re singing.”

“And he knows of the cafe, he bought me forty drinks,” Seungmin mutters. 

“What else has he got you?”

“We don’t know it’s him.”

“It is.”

Seungmin doesn’t like that he’s happy about that, not when they are not becoming friends again. 

Seungmin tells him about the Snickers package and the Funko Pop. Felix is grinning. 

“I wonder what he’ll send tomorrow.”

“How does he even have money to buy this stuff for me? It’s not cheap.”

“Oh, he’s a personal trainer and does pretty well. He started helping some guys on the football and baseball teams in high school. So, after graduation he got the certificates from college online, and he takes courses every so often to keep updated and be more educated.”

Jisung has a business? It must be fairly lucrative if he can afford all these extra gifts for someone else on top of his rent and other living expenses. 

“Does he talk to his parents?” Seungmin asks, because Minho said they were homophobic. Seungmin couldn’t do anything without his parents, that’s why he’s poor and trying so hard to be independent, but he knows that should he fail, they'd help him. 

“I should probably let Jisung tell you. But suffice to say he hasn’t had it easy.”

Seungmin doesn't know if it’s better or worse that he knows this. It makes him feel bad for Jisung to have no or very little safety net of his own, to not have his parents’ love that Seungmin has always had. He can only imagine when he was younger how he was indoctrinated and how easy it must have been to fall inwith the bullying school boys. It makes Seungmin realize there was no way Jisung could have said yes, even if he wanted to. 

“I’m not saying he was wrong not to apologize to you, but maybe you can look at it from his perspective. He’s trying now and I know you want the words, but some people aren’t as articulate as you. I think sometimes you don’t realize how hard that is for someone to figure out, especially when everyone is telling them who to be,” Felix speaks gently, but it doesn’t feel gentle, it feels like a knife to the gut. 

Seungmin always thought he was aware of his privilege, but maybe it’s others’ disadvantages he should be aware of. 

“Yeah,” Seungmin says because he has no words, articulate or otherwise. He feels the resentment and anger and sadness he feels for Jisung lessen. And he won’t lie, at least in this moment, that the gifts have already made him feel more inclined to forgive if Jisung ever says the words. “I just don’t understand what’s taken him so long if he’s felt this way?”

Felix sighs. 

“I think that’s something you need to hear from him, because I’m not too sure. But I’m not sure about a lot of things considering I didn’t even realize how much it bothered you.”

“Me skipping out every time I’d have to see him didn’t give you a clue? Or how I’d never ask about him, but let you talk about him?” Seungmin asks, and Felix cringes. 

“I mean, I know you didn’t love him, but you’re such a good liar and I knew that, too. But I thought you let me in enough not to lie to me.”

“But how could I tell the truth? It’s embarrassing and annoying and you had them when Jeongin and I were too busy with school. I couldn’t let you be alone just because I was being a petty bitch.”

“I get that, but I never wanted you to think I picked him over you, or that Jeongin would pick anyone over you. You don’t always have to look out for us; you can look out for yourself, too. We are your friends, and had you said anything I would have been able to say something to Jisung, not outright, but he’d at least realize that what he thought wasn’t true and fix it. Because he wants to fix it for you. He wants it to be like how it was having someone for himself who complements him and chooses him. But you do too, and contrary to all of this, he has smartened up. He realizes how much he missed you, how much he wants to know you’re doing well and are happy. It’s not enough to hear it from me, but he wants to be the one to make you happy.”

“We aren’t kids anymore.”

“No, because now, he’s the one running after you.”

There isn’t another gift, which Seungmin is both relieved and disappointed about. Things are expensive and the coffee and chocolates alone had to cost a lot. He’s also feeling a teensy bit guilty for word vomiting all over Minho, who in turn told Jisung. But he can’t go back and keep his mouth shut. He doesn’t feel that guilty, because it’s healing old wounds, and it’s not the money, but the attention and Felix is right that it feels like Jisung is running after him. 

He’s still embarrassed that it’s been blown out of proportion. That he’s blown it out of proportion. His hurt as a little boy making things complicated now. Well, complicated, because Seungmin has never been the one to make a fuss, to demand attention, even though it feels wrong he wants it so bad. He’s of the mind that you shouldn’t have to spell out your problems for someone to realize what you need, that they should know you enough, love and care for you enough, to realize on their own. 

But he’s starting to learn that may not be fair. 

He has a shift at the cafe and he’s thankful he’s working with San, and that Wooyoung is off today. He’d ask too many questions after Jisung bought all those drinks.

“So, who was that guy?” San asks too casually. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes. He should have known Wooyoung would have his boyfriend interrogate Seungmin in his stead.

“I thought I got out of having to explain,” Seungmin sighs. “I feel like it’s all I’ve been talking or thinking about.”

“Must be a lot on your mind,” San hedges. Seungmin blows out a breath. The cafe isn’t busy and San is as unbiased as he’ll get. Maybe he’ll figure out why Seungmin is still feeling out of sorts. 

So, he tells San everything, and he means everything, from his first thoughts of Jisung and what’s happened in between and his last. 

“Well,” San finally says. “I guess the question isn’t whether he’s sorry or regrets what he did. It’s can—no, it’s does little Seungmin want to forgive Jisung? Because I think what makes you so upset isn’t necessarily the years it’s taken him to come back to apologize and make things right, but that you keep remembering how you felt then in that moment of him rejecting you and your friendship. But you’re not that little kid anymore, you have more friends than you admit because you’re a crotchety grandpa at twenty one. You’re on track with your life and as much as you may not have liked Felix and later Jeongin befriending Jisung and Minho, whom you also have beef with, they wouldn’t be the friends you love if they didn’t befriend him.”

San is right. It’s that moment of hope being crushed out, their friendship seemingly meaning nothing because Jisung found better friends that he liked more, liked enough to hurt him for, that Seungmin has never been able to get over. He hates feeling stupid and that day Jisung made him feel like a fool, for thinking they were friends and that Jisung could possible like him enough to want to hold his hand. 

Although, it doesn’t help that it’s taken Jisung this long to come back and Seungmin feels like he's giving up on little Seungmin and the pain he felt and the way it’s haunted the rest of his life. But maybe it’s not giving up, maybe it’s only giving in to what Seungmin truly wants. 

He knows they can’t go back. They’ve grown up and aren’t the same people anymore, but they are similar. He wonders if they could get the same feeling back of how good it was when it was just the two of them, when Seungmin picked Jisung and Jisung picked him back. 

“I don’t want to be the same pathetic kid who’s still waiting around for him to remember me. I don’t want it to seem like he can do anything and I just forgive him.”

“You're not, and I don't think anyone will think that. Sure, it's bothered you, but who would be okay with being treated like that? Could some people get over it and jump back into being friends with no hard feelings? Maybe, but I think most people couldn't, regardless of whether it's mature or rational or what they should do. Hurt doesn't just go away because you grow up.” San wipes down the counter. “But you’re not the one looking pathetic, not if what Minho and Felix say is true about the gifts and the party. And I don’t know, from what you’ve said and haven’t said, I like to think he’d make sure not to fuck up again and he knows that you won’t let him get away with it. He hasn’t gotten away with it yet, right?”

The thing is Seungmin agrees with Felix, with San and even with Minho. He sees Jisung’s side and he knows everyone sees his now. It makes him feel better, a lot better, because he’s always felt like he wasn’t seen and had to learn not to care that he wasn’t. Not just about this, but things that have stemmed from it. How he felt like an outsider with his best friends because they had made up their minds without asking how he felt. Or how they didn’t pull his feelings out of him, but same difference. 

And Jisung is trying. Seungmin is so focused on words that he wasn’t willing to accept action, but actions do speak louder. Still, he thinks Jisung should talk to him. How can he forgive him if he just keeps sending him things and secretly doing and saying nice things about him?

“But you never answered my question. Can you forgive him on behalf of your younger self?”

Seungmin has kept things close to the vest for years, but like he thought when he was younger if Jisung only apologized, shitty one or not, he’d forgive him. He’s only been waiting.

“I can.”

Might be more honest to say he already has. 

Seungmin doesn’t mind being aloof, prides himself on it, but he hates being the bigger person with a passion. 

But sometimes needs must, and Jisung has bought him too many things and has included him—regardless if Seungmin appreciated it at the time—in the party. Possibly only decided to have the party because of him. 

And so, it doesn’t feel like being the bigger person. It feels like doing the right thing, and it may abate some of the anxiety he has while waiting for Jisung to speak to him. 

He’s still a little worried that Jisung hasn’t been the one sending him things, but he thinks that might be nerves. So, he sends a friend request on insta and messages him a happy birthday. Because of course he remembers, even if they hadn’t planned a party around the three of them. 

He stares at his phone for four minutes straight and then throws it down to have a shower, just to get out of his room and away from his phone. Jisung will accept the friend request and say thank you. Seungmin knows he will. He doesn’t know why he’s getting all worked up over it. 

He tries to take his mind off it, by thinking through his little birthday plan for Felix tomorrow. He and Jeongin are planning to take him out for lunch. They went in on headset Felix was eyeing and got him some cupcakes. 

There’s not much to think on since the restaurant doesn’t need a reservation, the gift has been wrapped impeccably by Seungmin and Jeongin is picking up the cupcakes after his early shift at the bakery. 

He changes into some sweats and immediately checks his phone. He almost drops it, like a loser, when he sees an insta notification. Jisung has indeed accepted his request and thanked Seungmin for the birthday wishes. 

But there’s more, he asks if Seungmin liked the gifts he sent.

Seungmin takes a moment to reply, squinting at the profile picture Jisung has that he thinks is him, shirtless. Jesus, that seems unfair. Now Seungmin wants to click over to see all his pictures, maybe find that one or one like it and stare at it for hours. But no, Seungmin will stay strong. 

Oh, yes. I wasn’t sure if they were from you. Thank you.

That seems dry but Seungmin doesn’t know how to be anything but dry in this situation. But does he seem like a dick?

I appreciate them, but you didn’t need to go to the trouble

Jisung writes back.

I’m pretty sure I did and it wasn’t too much trouble

Okay, subtle acknowledgment, Seungmin can work with that. 

Felix tells me you’re a personal trainer now?

By ignoring it. 

Yeah! I love it and I’m not one of those gym is life bros so it makes me have to work out so people will want to become my client

So, the snickers are fine to eat?

Oh yeah, treat yourself always.

Seungmin snorts, hates how he’s grinning at this weirdly awkward, but not awkward conversation. 

And you’re pretty small so you can handle them and I hear you’re always running around busy and they’re technically energy bars.

Maybe I need to become your client since I’m so small 🙄

NO!!

you’re perfect just the way you are

Seungmin’s eyes almost pop out of his head. That’s fucking crazy. 

I mean if you wanted to gain muscle I can help. Normally that’s what I help with my clients or weight loss, but you definitely don’t need that

Did you know I had to ask Felix to open a jar for me last week? It was embarrassing.

Well, guess you just need a strong man around

Seungmin doesn’t think too hard when he replies, but he sure does after he hits send.

Yeah, that’s kind of my MO. You should see my ex😂

He throws his phone down again face hot. Why did he say that? Why did he bring up an ex, who really was barely an ex, more like an ex-fuck buddy but still. 

His phone starts ringing and Felix is calling him. He answers wondering what’s so important they can’t speak when he gets home.

“Hello?”

“Why is Jisung key-smashing me about your ex?”

Seungmin groans. Fuck, Jisung control yourself. 

“I may have mentioned him off-hand. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“Off-hand? To the guy Minho and I said liked you. I feel like you aren’t understanding what we’re saying.”

“No, I get it.” He doesn’t really, but he’s not telling Felix that. 

“Read your messages.”

Seungmin does. 

“Seungmin, we really have to work on your flirting. You can’t neg people.”

“I wasn’t negging and I wasn’t flirting.”

“Oh yeah, it’s not flirting when you allude to letting strong and muscular men fuck you while talking to a strong muscular man that wants to fuck you.”

“We don’t know that.”

“We know that. And I get it, it’s weird for you because you don’t know much about the person he’s become and he knows a lot about you. But he has a huge crush on you and I hate saying this to you, but be nice to him about it.”

“Like how nice? Send him a dick pic? Hole pic?”

Felix snorts. 

“You do that and he’ll never get over you.”

Seungmin doesn't know what it says about him that he contemplates sending one. Or he does know and he’s fucking easy and needs to control himself and have Jisung work for him. 

He and Jisung message back and forth for the next couple days. Seungmin pretends he’s not looking for a message or ecstatic to receive them. He doesn’t think he’s doing so well when Jeongin and Felix send each other sidelong looks. 

It’s nice to talk to Jisung again. Strange since they aren’t little kids, but Jisung is still pretty shy until he gains confidence and Seungmin is still an annoying know-it-all. The difference is that Seungmin knows what he’s feeling this time, and he still wants to hold Jisung’s hand. And do a lot more, and he’s certain this time Jisung would check ‘yes.’

Not that he’s asking, oh no, but he’ll flirt and send selfies when Jisung asks. When he’s got the courage to ask. Jisung just keeps sending him shirtless pictures and Seungmin swears his waistband keeps dropping lower and lower. Seungmin will not beg, but he will send pictures back, not as obvious, decidedly not obvious at all, but with a little mystique. A collarbone showing, or a good view of his neck, or his tiny waist, but all of these without showing that he’s showing and that he wants to show Jisung more. He’s pretty sure Jisung wants that, too. 

Still, no formal apology and it irks Seungmin, not as much as it should, but he hopes it’s because Jisung is waiting to meet him face-to-face, not that he’s asked him to meet, although his schedule seems very busy. Which has Seungmin overthinking, like if this were to go somewhere, how the heck is he going to have a strong man around all the time if Jisung has so much shit to do? 

But Jisung texts to check in all the time and they haven’t moved to phone calls yet, but Seungmin thinks it’s okay for now, things aren’t stilted or awkward and they can say whatever they want without worrying. And it’s only been five days and tomorrow is the party and his birthday.

He’s going over to his parents’ house for brunch so he can get back and nap and get ready. He’s much more excited for this party than he was at the beginning and he’s really looking forward to seeing Jisung in person, but he tries to pretend he’s not. 

I can’t wait to see you tomorrow

It’s the last message Jisung sends for the night and Seungmin doesn’t know what to say. Unable to reciprocate, he thumbs-up the message and hates himself. 

As he’s on his way out to go to his parents’ place, Felix hands him a card.

“I thought you said you'd give me my present later?” 

“Oh, I am. This is from Jisung,” Felix tells him. 

It doesn’t feel like a birthday card when Seungmin takes it. It feels like a letter, and he’s curious to open it, but not under Felix’s curious eyes. Hell, he probably already knows what’s in it, but still he wants to read it alone. 

Seungmin takes the bus, since he’s not too far from his parents who live in the suburbs, and it’s an easy route from the city. He takes his seat and rips open the letter. 

Dear Seungmin, 

So, I know this is long overdue. Like really overdue. I’ll apologize for my apology being so late, and for my writing that I hope is legible, but I felt it would show that I’m serious. Make it more heartfelt than printing it from a computer, because it is. 

I’m sorry for a lot of things. As they piled up I didn’t know what to do or say. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for throwing your note on the floor. For not talking to you. Not explaining myself. For not apologizing any time after. 

But what I’m really sorry for is missing out on all this time with you. For not being there in real time and watching you grow, being with you as we both did, and only learning of you through Felix, after begging him. 

I’m not saying this as an excuse, but as an explanation, and maybe you can see why it’s taken me so long to get in contact. 

I’ve always thought you were too good for me. You always seemed so perfect and so untouchable and I was wrong and right. You are perfect. You try so hard. You try for your parents and your friends, especially for Felix with letting him bulldoze you into this party. But you aren’t untouchable, you can and were hurt by me. 

I can’t remember things exactly how they were, but there’s two things I want to make clear. 

One, I didn’t check yes, because the other kids had been making fun of you and being a dumb kid I thought if I pushed you away from me, you wouldn’t be around them anymore and they wouldn’t hurt you. 

Yes, in hindsight, could I have also removed myself from them and stayed with you? Probably, but I didn’t see that at the time. I just worried that if you stayed near me, if I checked yes, then they might get worse and turn from calling you names to beating you up. 

It wasn’t that I wanted you gone. It wasn’t that I wanted you to stop being my friend. It was because I thought I couldn’t keep you with me. 

Two, I heard you have issues with Minho, stemming from me “picking him” and “dropping you.” I’m sure I was a little asshole at times and hung out with him over you, but I never saw it as picking him. 

I loved hanging out with you and going over to your house. Because it wasn’t like mine, it was like stepping into this different world where you had all these nice things, and it wasn’t just the things you had, but also that your parents were so amazing. They played with you and they made me feel welcome and I got a break from all the fighting, all the anger and resentment that fell on me because I was born and made my parents stay together. 

It’s why I didn’t invite you over often, I wanted to be with you and see what it was like when there wasn’t any anger around. We could be kids and play with your dad and watch what we wanted and have fun. 

Minho lived across the street and his dad left and while his mother loved him, like your parents loved you, it was easier to feel like I belonged because it wasn’t perfect for him, either. 

I shouldn’t have begrudged you for having good parents with good jobs, but maybe I did a little, maybe that’s why I could hang out with Minho without feeling like I’d never be good enough. 

And when I came out, I decided I didn’t care what my parents thought, that I could never care because they never treated me right. Even if they didn't hit me, they didn’t love me like they were supposed to, unconditionally and without reserve. I didn’t realize they'd essentially lock me up—which, tricks on them, only made me more gay since I had the internet. 

But it made me realize I had to change how I looked at the world, not to be mad that I didn’t have their support, but that I didn’t need it and I was strong enough to support myself. It made me work hard so I could leave and I did. I moved out at eighteen and haven’t spoken to them since. I wasn’t lucky enough to have the parents I deserved, but I was lucky to have the friends that closed the gaps left by them.

I think out of all the times I wanted to reach out, that was when I really thought I’d do it. I had been kept informed about you and knew you were going off to college and I may not have been on the same track as you, we could be on the same footing. I didn’t have the bullies, or my parents, or everything else I used as an excuse to stay away. 

But every time I thought to contact you, to go find you, I got scared. Scared that you didn’t even think of me anymore, didn’t care about me, and that I was just some little footnote in the story of your life. And just because I wanted to be back in your life, didn’t mean you wanted me. 

Looking back now, I think if I did find you and you said that, I’d feel like you did on the day I crushed up your note. And it made me feel dumb because obviously you wouldn’t care that much about me and what I did. I’m so fucking sorry that I hurt you, and I didnt think I was strong enough to either find out that you didn’t care or be rejected like I had done to you. 

So, then I wasn’t as strong as I thought and I let it go, always with the hope that one day you would come around and I could get you to remember me and our friendship and see that I’m not a little asshole anymore and you’d want to be friends again. 

Of course, I see how stupid I was, I’ve been trying to be smarter, although I’m still scared, but I like to think things have gotten better since we've been speaking. 

Like I said, it’s not an excuse. I should have apologized and made things right much much sooner, but you deserve an explanation of why it’s taken so long. Of how I overthought or didn’t think enough. In my defense neither of our frontal lobes are fully developed, but that might be pushing it, because I knew it was wrong when I did it, knew it was wrong when I never got in touch, knew it was wrong just to try to sweep it under the rug because even if you were over it I clearly wasn’t. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you weren’t enough or that I ever liked anyone more than you, because I didn’t and pathetic as it may be, I still don’t think I can ever like anyone more than I like you.

I want to make it up to you if you’ll let me. These past days talking to you again have meant so much to me. I know we aren’t where we used to be, where we could have been had I got my act together sooner. But it’s only made it more clear how much I want to be in your life and be your friend again, and I swear if you give me this chance I won’t fuck it up. 

I meant it when I said you were perfect just the way you are, so whatever you decide I’ll know it will be right for you and I’ll accept it. We can have the party tonight and you decide what you want. I know I haven’t given you the choice before and I’m sorry for that too, but I really think you’ll have fun tonight. I hope you do. 

Regardless of what happens, I really am looking forward to seeing you tonight.

Jisung.

Well, he got his apology in words and strangely enough he doesn’t feel different. He already gave up on the anger he said he didn’t have, and his annoyance once they started talking again. And there’s still a little hurt—he’s not sure will ever go away, just from living through that moment of heartbreak, but it doesn’t eat away at him when he remembers, just a pang that doesn’t make him resentful or bitter anymore. 

Since the pain isn’t so sharp he can see how that moment brought him Felix and Jeongin, how it gave him the opportunity to go to his private school and how it may have made him guard his heart, but his true friends were still able to get past his defenses. It may have made him reticent to suitors, but that might not necessarily be a bad thing considering Jeongin and Felix both had a string of assholes boyfriends in college who didn’t treat them well. Maybe he would have found some great love had he been open to it, but as ridiculous and insane as it sound and a little (or a lot) pathetic, he thinks he’s always been waiting for Jisung to come back. It doesn’t mean it’ll work out, it doesn’t mean they won’t break up, but Seungmin has to try. 

His mother greets him at the door with a hug. He’s really missed her and his dad, who comes up from behind and makes it a group hug. 

“Happy birthday, Seungmin-ah,” His mother says as she pulls away and his father echoes. 

“Let him breathe, yeobo,” His father laughs and his mother squeezes him tightly once more before letting go. 

Seungmin takes off his shoes and puts his slippers on, and follows them into the dining room where the table is ridiculously full. 

“I may have gotten a little carried away,” Heesung says sheepishly. 

“She’s been cooking for days, she was past ‘carried away’ by yesterday morning,” Jihoon chuckles. 

“Thank you, eomma. It looks amazing, but you don’t have to do all this, it’s too much work.”

“Nonsense. It’s for my little aegi, so it’s never too much,” she says and pinches his cheek.

“Now let’s eat. She hasn’t let me sample anything and I’m hungry and you can tell us how you are and what big plans you have for today,” his father says and they sit.

Seungmin tells them how he’s been and how Felix and Jeongin are, when they ask. He lets them know he has an interview soon for a job he really wants. He tells them about the party, omitting the third birthday boy being celebrated. 

They move to the living room to chat and the letter is burning a hole in his pocket. 

He’s not lying, per se, but he feels like it. It must show on his face, the only two people he can ever seem to hide from. 

“Okay, out with it, you’ve never been good at hiding things from us and we've only gotten better over the years,” Jihoon says.

“Uh, okay, there’s a third person we are having the party for,” Seungmin says and his parents share an amused look for catching him out. 

“Oh, that’s nice,” his mother says, “who is it?”

“That’s the thing—it’s Jisung,” Seungmin says and holds his breath. The happy carefree mood has grown tense. It’s mostly his mother that causes the change. 

She knows everything. Everything. And it’s coming back to bite him in the ass. He couldn’t tell Felix how he felt when he and Jisung became friends. He couldn’t talk to Jeongin because he was even angrier than him and then he changed sides and there was never a chance. And he felt stupid, but his mother never made him feel stupid for feeling upset and so he’d vent to her whenever Felix brought Jisung up. 

Now, it had stopped once he moved out. Couldn’t be calling her all the time and he was used to it and trying to be mature. But she remembers, of course she does, she remembers the days he stayed home “sick” and crying. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I know,” Seungmin says quickly. “But, um, he’s been trying really hard to get my forgiveness and we’re talking again and he has changed.” His mother doesn’t look convinced and he swears his father is trying to hold back a smile. “He bought me a bunch of my favourite chocolate bars, free coffee for a month, an Iron Man Funko Pop for my collection and some records. He texts me to check in and see if I’ve eaten and he’s apologized. And—” Seungmin hastens to add since his mother’s expression is still pinched. “The whole party was kind of planned with me in mind to get us to be friends again. The arcade is really cool and I think it’ll be a lot of fun.”

There’s a silence that has Seungmin sweating, waiting for his mother to speak. He needs her to be okay with this, even if she’s concerned or worried or whatever, but he wants her to be willing to let him figure it out. He knows he’s an adult and can do what he wants, but he loves his mom and she’s always been there for him and he doesn’t want to have to go against her. 

He would, if it came to that. 

“And you’ve forgiven him?” His fathers asks when his mother still hasn’t spoken. 

“Yes. I really didn’t want to at the beginning. I was still upset and hurt. So, he’d try to hang out, but I wouldn’t go. I think I wouldn’t go because I know deep down if I did I’d fold. He started sending me gifts and I was pissed about that too, but I was kind of happy? And then I messaged him on his birthday and we've been talking ever since. He’s kept up with me from Felix, which I felt weird about at first, I won’t lie, but I like it. I like that he cares and is trying.”

“Just because someone gives you attention doesn’t mean they deserve yours,” Heesung says. “He hurt you and now a decade later he comes back? Why not earlier? Why not in high school when he and Felix became friends?”

“You’ve always said I’m brave and strong, and I know some of that is because you’re my parents and you love me and you want me to be those things, but it’s also the truth. But you gave me that, and he didn’t have that, didn’t have parents like you. It made him the opposite: scared and weak to peer pressure, and I don’t think it’s fair to punish him for that. Trying and apologizing is always better late than never.

“You know he moved out at eighteen and doesn’t speak to his parents? I know he hurt me, but he was a kid and didn’t know better, because he was never taught better. He thought he was protecting me and while the humiliation still stings, maybe he did. I can’t imagine having parents that don’t love me unconditionally, who would rather I hide myself than be happy, and he made the choice to hurt me so no one else could. I’m sure it was less clear at that age, but he was my best friend, and he pushed me away so they didn’t.”

Heesung unclenches and Seungmin is relieved. She’s not won over, but he knows she’s willing to try.

“Well, I for one am happy for you,” Jihoon says. “I’m happy he’s trying and has got his head on straight now, but more for you. Forgiveness isn’t for the ones you forgive, but for yourself and you feel better now, don’t you?”

“I do,” Seungmin answers and nods and looks at his mother making sure his puppy eyes are in full effect. Seungmin feels lighter and ready to see what life brings.

“Fine, but if he hurts you again…” Heesung trails off threateningly. 

“I don’t see that happening and unfortunately you wouldn’t be able to beat him up. He’s grown up strong and he’s a personal trainer now.”

His mother shakes her head in exasperation and his father laughs. 

“Yeobo,” his father sighs, with a twitch of his lips. “It’s too late for him now if Jisung has grown up strong and he’s treating Seungmin so well. You’ll have to learn to play nice at the wedding.”

Seungmin’s face heats. 

“We’re just friends, abeoji,” Seungmin whines. His father sends him a look. 

“Something tells me that’s not just what he wants or what you want. No guy does all this to get their friend back, and you wouldn’t accept it for anything else. What are partners if they aren’t your best friend?”

“He still has Minho,” Seungmin doesn’t mean for it to come out so annoyed, but it does. His father grins knowingly and even his mother sends him a pitying look. 

“I don’t think you have to worry about Minho, he’s not the one being sent chocolates.”

Or those thirst trap pictures that Seungmin can’t stop looking at, but his parents already know more than enough, no need to tell them that. 

When Seungmin gets home he showers and goes for a nap. He knows he won’t be able to make it past nine without one. 

“Wake up sleepy head, it’s time to get ready,” Felix says, barging into his room. Jeongin is behind him with an armful of clothes. 

“I can get ready without help, you know,” Seungmin says and rubs his eyes to wake himself up. 

“You could, but you need to look extra hot, so Jisung really regrets things,” Jeongin says. 

“He already does, but it doesn’t hurt to look nice, does it?” Felix says. 

Seungmin does want to look hot and he’s never sure how to pull it off. He’s glad they’ve decided to help because he wouldn’t have asked. 

“I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard. This is a pretty casual party since it’s at an arcade,” Seungmin reminds them.

“Don’t you worry, we’ll keep you casual,” Jeongin says. “Now put this on.” Jeongin hands him some jeans, and when those don’t work, another, and another. And shirts and shoes and Seungmin is getting tired. 

“This is it,” Felix says finally. 

Seungmin looks at himself in the mirror. It might be too casual? He’s wearing form-fitting light washed jeans–they’re not skin-tight, but a little tighter than he’d normally wear. It’s the top that might be out of place. It’s a soft grey hoodie, but it’s quite short, and so is the white shirt underneath. 

“Now pretend you’re shooting hoops, I’m sure they have that game,” Jeongin says. Seungmin looks at him in confusion. “Just do it.”

Seungmin does what they ask, lifting his arms to throw the imaginary ball, and his shirt rides up. 

“Perfect,” Felix announces. 

Seungmin with his hands still in the air, looks down at his bare stomach and back to them. 

“Don’t you want Jisung thinking about how he wants to grab your little waist and throw you around a bit?” Felix asks with a knowing smile. 

Seungmin blushes.

“Yeah, we have your number and know why you like beefcakes,” Jeongin says. “And those jeans do your little ass justice.”

“You look all soft and sweet and casual, and Jisung is going to pass out,” Felix says.

Seungmin takes another look at himself in the mirror with his arms down, and he does look pretty cute. 

“Should I wear contacts or my black framed glasses?”

“Glasses,” they echo. 

Seungmin puts them on and smiles. Yeah, he’s pretty cute and when he accidentally lifts his arms… well then, he’ll be pretty sexy.

Unfortunately, Jisung doesn’t pass out when he sees him. But his eyes crinkle up and his grin is blinding. It’s Seungmin that has to use Jeongin to hold him upright. 

Jisung is looking good. Like, really good. There’s no sign  of the baggy jeans and hoodies that he wore to pick out the cake and the arcade. 

He’s wearing blue jeans, looser than Seungmin’s, but well-fitted to his thick thighs. He’s in a t-shirt and it shouldn’t be that hot, but it’s white and rolled up on his arms to give a better look at his biceps, and fitted to give more than a hint to what’s under the flimsy fabric. 

“He’s fucking cheating,” Seungmin whispers to Jeongin and Felix who laugh. 

“Hey, how are you guys? The place looks good, right?” Jisung says happily. Seungmin finds the Herculean strength to look away from Jisung and see how everything has been decorated with balloons with their names on it and little animals in their likeness. 

“Am I a dog?” Seungmin blurts and sees that Felix is a chick and he doesn’t know what the fuck Jisung’s is, but it’s cute with chubby cheeks. 

“Well, a puppy, actually,” Jisung says with pink cheeks. But he brings his hand up to run his thumb across Seungmin’s cheek. “Because you’re so cute.”

Seungmin cannot look at Felix or Jeongin right now. He can barely look at Jisung.

“Shots!” Seungmin blurts. “We should get shots,” he amends. He’s going to need some liquid courage to get through tonight. 

Shots are both a good and a bad idea. Good, because after a while, Seungmin has loosened up from the four he’s taken already—one with the guys, one for the birthday boys, one that Minho bought for them and one from Hyunjin as he introduced himself and Jeongin dribbled down his chin watching Hyunjin take his. 

Bad, because Seungmin is on his way to getting drunk, and he’s gotten really touchy feely. It’s his curse, especially when hot guys with big muscles are around. He tries to control himself seeing Felix all over Minho, and Hyunjin and Jeongin all over each other. If he drinks any more he thinks this will turn into some awkward orgy and they’ll never be able to speak again. 

“I should play some games,” Seungmin says, then about faces and walks away. Jisung hurries to follow. 

“Play basketball,” Felix slurs. God, they’re such lightweights, this is embarrassing. 

But that doesn’t stop Seungmin from going to the game. He hasn’t ever played it before. He’s good at baseball, but he’s not sure that will help. And the walk over has shown just how tipsy he is. 

He hopes he doesn’t make a fool out of himself, but the way Jisung looks at him has him thinking there’s no chance of that. 

“I probably suck at this, but it was as good an idea as any,” Seungmin says to absolve himself of any suckage. He tries to stick the tickets Minho handed him into the machine, but can’t quite do it and Jisung takes over. 

“You don’t drink much, do you?” Jisung asks with a smile. 

“Not really. Not shots, unless Felix drags us to a club and that hasn’t happened in a while,” Seungmin says as he picks up the mini basketball that drops down. He throws and misses. It’s cool. He has more chances. He misses more than he sinks, but it’s fun. Seungmin is laughing by the time all his shots are done and looks at Jisung. 

Jisung is looking where his shirt has ridden up. His eyes are dark and his jaw is clenched. And then he catches Seungmin looking. 

“You got my letter?” he asks and Seungmin nods dumbly because no one has ever looked at him like that, with so much desire. It’s even more intoxicating than the drinks he’s had. Jisung swallows heavily, and that dark desire is gone and in its place is sheepish vulnerability. “I’m sorry,” Jisung says again, but this time in person. 

Seungmin feels that little bit of hurt throb, and that makes him want to make Jisung work harder, prove more to him, but everything else has him nodding his head once. 

“I forgive you.”

Jisung doesn’t have to work harder or prove himself more, but he will anyway, even with Seungmin forgiving him, and that’s why he can speak the words. He has to stop being petty—which is a feat—but there’s a reason he hid this from Felix and Jeongin, a reason he was so upset, a reason he’s here right now. He wants to forgive Jisung and he always has, even when the hurt and spite had him pretending otherwise. It was so good for a while at making him think he didn’t want to, that he wanted to have this party and never lay eyes on Jisung again. But he wants to look at him all the time, wants him back in his life.

“Thank you,” Jisung says, stepping in close, brushing his hard body against Seungmin’s. “I’ll make sure you won’t regret it.” Jisung’s hand is on his waist, up under his shirt and it burns. It puts Seungmin’s offkilter and he shouldn’t be. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s the one that Jisung wants so obviously, he should feel fine. He’s the one getting friend-wooed—possibly more, probably, hopefully more.

To save himself he smirks, he’s not that easy. But he’s pretending again. He’s so fucking easy and he doesn’t want Jisung to know that yet. 

“You’re going to have to put in work with my mom, though. She doesn’t forgive as easily.”

“Well, if you do the crime you gotta do the time, so I’ll have her forgive me one day.” Seungmin blushes, but pretends it’s from the heat of all the bodies. “You up for another drink?”

“Why not? I can probably have one more,” Seungmin says, feeling much more confident because that was a declaration of intent. 

Jisung brings Seungmin to an empty table. 

“I’ll be right back,” Jisung says and goes up to the bar. Seungmin watches him walk away and sighs. 

“So, you’re Seungmin, the other birthday boy?” Says the buffest guy Seungmin has ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on. 

“Oh, yep, that’s me,” Seungmin blushes. “You’re fucking jacked.” Listen, Seungmin may like Jisung, but he’s not dead. He can look and not touch. 

“I’m Changbin, nice to meet you,” Changbin says with a laugh and an arrogant smile. 

“You’re the new neighbour who works here?” Seungmin asks, trying to keep his eyes on Changbin’s face and not his arms that are bigger than Seungmin’s head. But he’s weak and they’re right in his face, he can’t be blamed. 

“Here you go,” Jisung comes back, putting Seungmin’s drink and his own on the table hard, hip checking Changbin out of the way. He sits on the edge of the booth and shuffles Seungmin down so he’s blocked off. He’s glaring at Changbin and Changbin eyes them both. Seungmin has a dopey smile, he knows, can feel the way his cheeks bunch up and his eyes crinkle. 

“Oh, I see how it is, you should have said,” Changbin says with a smirk. “Happy birthday, you two.” And then he’s gone, leaving Jisung pressed up tight against Seungmin. 

“Felix and Jeongin said you liked muscular guys, but I guess there’s the proof,” Jisung says, rolling his eyes. 

“Yours are very nice too,” Seungmin offers and lets his hand move where it’s wanted all night, to squeeze Jisung’s bicep, warm and quite a handful. Jisung flexes and it makes Seungmin giggle. 

They drink and talk, then one by one Felix, Minho, Jeongin, Hyunjin come to sit with them, and San and Wooyoung stand by the table. It’s fun and Seungmin sips his drink keeping a buzz so it’s not so overwhelming to have so many people around him and talking to him.

Jisung stays by his side, always checking in with a nudge or a look to make sure he’s doing okay. 

“I know crowds aren’t your thing. Are you doing okay?” he asks quietly.

“I’m good,” Seungmin says back just as softly. “I’m probably going to need a day to get my social battery back up, but this is fun. I’m glad you and Felix made it happen.”

“I’m glad you showed up.”

Jisung goes to the bathroom and Wooyoung steals his seat. 

“So, you and Jisung have looked cozy all night. That’s quite the turnaround from when I told you he bought you all your coffees.” Wooyoung is so annoying and loud, so everyone at the table is now looking at Seungmin who blushes bright red. 

“Shut the fuck up,” he whines.

“Stop embarrassing him, it’s cute,” Felix says with an indulgent smile. “I knew if I could get them back in the same room they’d be attached at the hip again.”

“I think they want to be attached by something other than their hips,” Minho smirks and takes a swig of his drink. “I didn’t realize the consequences of our actions. Now instead of hearing Jisung whine as he tries to zoom in on a picture Felix took, he’s going to be annoying telling us everything Kim Seungmin does that’s so perfect. This week has already been almost too much to bear.”

“Cry into Felix’s dick about it, you’re the annoying ones.” Maybe Seungmin is closer to drunk than he thought. But the table laughs and Minho grins, showing his teeth.

“Maybe I will.”

Seungmin doesn’t have a comeback for that, and Felix looks shocked, but pleased. Felix pushes his drink away. Yeah, Seungmin knows he doesn’t want to get too sloppy so he can enjoy Minho’s tears. 

Jisung comes back, and he looks a little sweaty and nervous. It’s a departure from the comfortable and confident man he was when he left. It has Seungmin eyeing him, although he would be looking no matter what. 

“Here,” he says and hands him a folded note and a pen. There’s no way, Seungmin thinks, as he glances at the others. Wooyoung is grinning like a fool beside him. 

He opens it and there is Jisung’s writing. 

Will you be my boyfriend?

[  ] Yes

[  ] No

It should be stupid, even mocking, but it’s not. This is giving Seungmin back something he didn’t even know he needed. Giving him what the gifts and attention has only started, so that he can choose Jisung. Like that younger Seungmin, Jisung is putting his heart on the line and Seungmin could so easily crush it and throw it on the floor.  

It’s supposed to be his time for revenge. To make Jisung feel as badly as he did.

There’s a teeny tiny petty part of him that wants to, just to see what would happen. He has a feeling if he did, Jisung wouldn't be like him, he’d be braver, wouldn't run away and hide for years, but try again and again until he made Seungmin see he’s changed and somehow still stayed the same. 

And it’s all Han Jisung’s fault that Seungmin checks ‘yes.’

Seungmin doesn’t want to jump into things, but he can see where this goes and hope for the best. 

Jisung beams and the guys all cheer. Seungmin is embarrassed but happy, and he chugs the rest of his drink so it doesn’t feel as scary as it does. 

Jisung makes Wooyoung get up, and is back by Seungmin’s side. It feels right. Like watching movies together at his house while his mom brought them snacks, playing catch with his dad, and riding their bikes around the neighbourhood laughing like nothing could be better. 

Jisung slips his hand into Seungmin’s as they bring out the birthday cake and sing. He doesn’t feel bad that most of these people are here for Felix and Jisung, doesn’t feel that rumble of mortification when his name is less known, because everyone at the table shouts it loudly. He doesn’t feel unimportant with Jisung by his side and their hands laced together. 

“Happy birthday, Seungmin,” Jisung says softly. 

Seungmin thinks fuck it.

“Happy birthday, Jisung.” And then he leans in and kisses him. 

“Happy birthday to me alright,” Jisung says when he pulls away looking at Seungmin like he’s the only person in the world. 

Seungmin used to think that either you die a ‘crumpler’ or you live long enough to be ‘the crumpled,’ but maybe there’s a third option: where someone takes a chance and so does the other and checks yes.