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James and Thomas were the closest of friends and political allies. Everybody knew it. It was quite obvious, what, with how they were always together, how they looked to each other for advice and support, how they practically lived together….
But no one would suspect them of having feelings for each other. They were both respectable men. They wouldn’t let such “temptations” take ahold of them.
They were just friends, and they both wanted to remain just friends…
That’s what James had tried to convince himself of, anyways.
He had tried his hardest to tell himself that he simply wanted to hold Thomas because he trusted him. That he only wanted to touch Thomas’s hair because he admired the care that the taller man put into it. That he only wanted to kiss Thomas because he liked la bise more than he realized…
But it didn’t take long for him to stop trying to convince himself of those things. He loved Thomas. There was no other explaination.
James wasn’t scared of the fact that he was partially homosexual. Not for religious reasons, anyways. He wasn’t really the religious type. Besides, if there was a god, he would like to believe that they were loving and accepting of people like him.
What he was scared of was the citizens of the very country he had helped found.
He knew that he was making a huge generalization, and he tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, but… it was obvious that the majority of the people living in this country did not take kindly to people like him. The very government that he served would not take kindly to it.
If a normal citizen could be imprisoned or even killed for being attracted to another man or another woman, then what would become of the Father of The Constitution if he was discovered to be thinking of “committing Sodomy” with another man, and one of his fellow founding fathers, no less?
And Thomas…. James feared him too.
Well, not Thomas himself. James would hate himself if he ever feared his closest friend, the one man who had always been there for him and supported him through everything.
What he feared was what Thomas could become if James confessed to him. He feared that Thomas would hate him, he would see him as a pervert, as something disgusting and repulsive….. And the thought of Thomas accepting him but not feeling the same was quite painful as well…
James knew for a fact that Thomas would not be disgusted by him for religious reasons. Thomas was not very religious either. He believed in God and Jesus, yes, but he didn’t believe in divine intervention or the holy trinity or the miracles spoken about in the Bible. Only a loving, fairly governing god, much like James did.
Still… that didn’t guarantee that Thomas would accept James, much less feel the same.
So James kept quiet.
—— —— ——
One day, James and Thomas were walking to work together. There was a cabinet meeting that day, and the places that the two had been staying in just so happened to be rather close. So they met up at the bakery and walked together from there.
During the walk there, James found himself admiring Thomas a little more obviously than he would have liked. So of course, it didn’t take long for Thomas to notice.
He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head at James. “What is it, Jemmy?” he asked, his voice lilting playfully. “Is it my hair or something?” he asked as he patted his curls.
James flushed lightly. “N-no, it’s not that, your hair looks amazing.” he stuttered out. He became even more embarrassed as he realized how a compliment could come across when he was blushing so fiercely.
Thomas blinked, before grinning. “Well, thanks. I’m glad you think so, Jemmy.” he said “And just for the record… your hair looks amazing too.”
James smiled just a little. He was glad Thomas wasn’t making a big deal out of it….
But as Thomas turned away, he swore that he could see him blushing as well… It was probably just from second-hand embarrassment, if anything. Not attraction. Thomas was a completely heterosexual man. James was quite sure of it.
They made it to the place where the cabinet meeting was being held, and took their places. It seemed to go by in record time. Usually, these things dragged on much longer because of the cabinet members arguing - with the people arguing being Thomas and Alexander most of the time. But it wasn’t like anyone was complaining that it went by quickly.
James and Thomas did whatever other work they needed to do while they were there, and just like that, the work day was over.
As they made their way out of the building, Thomas looked over at James. “So, Jemmy…. I know it’s sorta on short notice, but… do you wanna stay with me tonight?” he asked. He obviously really wanted James to stay with him, and James himself really wanted to stay over.
But… he didn’t have any extra clothes with him, and there was no way he could sleep in thick clothes like these, especially ones that were dirty from the day.
“I would love to, but… I don’t have anything to wear tonight with me. A-and I don’t want you to have to wait for me…” he said.
Thomas shook his head. “Nonsense. It’s not that late, so I don’t mind waiting a while. In fact, I’ll even go with you, if you want me to.” He tilted his head playfully. “Or we could go straight over to my place, and you could just borrow one of my extra sleep shirts.” he joked.
James rolled his eyes. “Thomas, you know that your clothes would fall right off of me.” he said with an amused smile. Thomas put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I know, I know.“ he chuckled “I couldn’t help myself.”
After some discussion, they decided that they would meet up at that bakery again once James got his things. So they headed that way, and Thomas seated himself inside while he waited for James to return from the boarding house that he’d been staying at for the week. James returned soon enough with his belongings, and they made their way to Thomas’s own temporary dwelling, a small house that he had rented from one of his smaller connections that lived in Philadelphia.
Despite the different location, the evening went by like it often did when James and Thomas stayed at Monticello or Montpelier together; they had a laughter-filled dinner together, chatted for a bit in the living room, and then got cleaned up and prepared to turn in for the night.
Thomas insisted on accompanying James to his room - “It’s only polite, as a host to my dearest and most wonderful friend.” -, and James didn’t object. He didn’t really have a reason to. And more time with Thomas was always welcome.
Once again, as they made their way down the dim hallway, James could swear he saw Thomas blushing. And there was no joke that could have caused it, no awkwardness, nothing…. Nothing that James could see, at least. His heart foolishly, hopefully fluttered again. But his fear kept him from saying anything.
Once they made it to James’s bedroom, James crawled into bed and laid down, letting out a sigh as he relaxed into the sheets. He wished with all his heart that Thomas could stay there with him, that he could hold him….
“Goodnight, Thomas.” he said. Thomas smiled at him and nodded. “Goodnight, Jemmy.” he replied. Though, he seemed hesitant to actually leave.
He turned to head back into the hallway, but once he reached the doorway again, he stopped, his hand lingering against the doorframe.
James’s heart gave a hopeful thud. “Thomas..?” he said quietly.
Thomas stayed still.
A moment passed.
Then another.
Finally, he turned to face James again. “I…. just remembered that I saw a bedbug in my sheets earlier..!” he said, though it was incredibly unconvincing “Do you mind if I stay in here with you instead? I mean, I’ll even sleep on the floor, if you don’t wanna share the bed or anything.”
James immediately shook his head. “Thomas, n-no, you don’t have to sleep on the floor. You’re the one paying to stay here, you can have the bed.” he said.
He started to get out of the bed, and all of a sudden, Thomas rushed over and took James’s hands into his. “Jemmy, no, there’s no way I’m letting you sleep on the floor.” he said firmly.
James’s heart fluttered at the feeling of his hands in Thomas’s, and his gaze drifted downward to where they were entwined. His face flushed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, and when his eyes flickered back up, he saw that Thomas was blushing once again as well.
It was obviously making him feel something too….
James’s hands trembled.
“T-Tommy….?”
“Yes..?”
“….. do you love me?”
Thomas froze visibly at that. And James immediately feared that he had ruined everything.
But, in truth…. Thomas had been feeling things for James too, for a long time now. It just seemed that today was the day that the weight of it had become too much for the dam to hold.
“…. I do.” he finally answered, his voice quiet and maybe a little ashamed “God, James, I…. I love you more than anything… more than I’ve loved anything or anyone else in my entire life….” He looked down at the ground. “I know that you probably don’t feel the same, but….”
James was in shock. He would have never expected Thomas to feel the same. Nor would he have expected to figure out whether Thomas loved him or not from something like this.
But he felt so, so relieved.
Before Thomas could say anything else, James pulled him into a tight embrace, tears spilling down his cheeks as everything he had suppressed for the last decade or so finally came out. “Thomas….. I love you too.”
Thomas’s eyes widened as he felt James’s arms wrap around him so tightly and felt the other man’s tears soaking into his nightshirt. Tears of his own started to fall, and he held James with as much love and care as he could. “Jemmy, you don’t… you don’t know how happy that makes me….. or maybe you do….” he said with a shaky chuckle.
He pulled back and hesitantly, carefully pressed his forehead to James’s, nuzzling against him. “My dearest…. James. You truly are the greatest man in the world.”
James felt like he might just melt with how happy he felt. He felt like he could fly.
Thomas had called him “my dearest James” before, of course. But the little pause after “dearest”…. It changed the meaning in a way that James knew was intended, and he adored it more than anything.
“And you are the most wonderful person I could ever hope to know, Thomas…. I’ve loved you since the day me met….”
Now it was Thomas’s turn to feel like he was being thrown into the atmosphere. James had called him wonderful before. But never like this. Never along with an “I love you” of sorts.
For what seemed like a comfortable eternity, they stood there together, their foreheads pressed together, their hands holding one another, their breaths quiet and content.
That is, until James remembered why they’d been holding hands in the first place.
“So…. about the bed….” he started, clearing his throat as he became slightly red in the face “Could we…. maybe share it?”
Thomas was taken off-guard at first. This was moving quicker than he’d expected. But he felt rather joyful that James trusted him enough to let it take on this pace. “If it’s alright with you.”
James got under the sheets again, looking up at Thomas as he waited for him to join him. Completely unexpectedly, he was met with the sight of Thomas stripping his nightshirt off.
Right. James almost always slept with his shirt on, so he hadn’t really thought about Thomas did the same or not, nor had he considered that Thomas had just put his shirt on in the first place to seem decent and at least somewhat proper. It seemed that they’d abandoned all pretense of propriety, then.
At least seeing the other man like this cured any doubts that James may have had about his feelings for Thomas.
“Tommy… you’re beautiful.” he said softly.
Thomas’s expression gained a sort of softness that James had never seen before. The taller man climbed into bed, and he reached out to caress James’s face. “Not as beautiful as you are…” he murmured.
James’s breath hitched, and he leaned into Thomas’s palm, pressing his hands over Thomas’s own.
Thomas felt so much affection and love for James as the shorter man leaned into his touch. He took it just one step further, and he embraced James again, pulling him into his arms, against his chest. But he made sure to keep his grip a little loose. He knew that it might be a lot. “Is this alright?” he asked.
James’s breath caught in his throat as his head came to rest against Thomas’s bare chest. Could you get a fever from blushing too much in one day? Because at this point, it felt like that’s what was happening to James.
Still…. he felt undeniably content like this. “Mhm…” His eyes slowly drifted shut as he wrapped his arms around Thomas and listened to his heartbeat.
“Goodnight, Jemmy.” Thomas said in the softest, gentlest voice that he could. “Goodnight.” James replied quietly, snuggling closer to Thomas.
He thought it over for a moment, before pressing a kiss to Thomas’s cheek. Thomas’s own breath caught in his throat this time. But after a moment, he kissed the top of James’s head in return, nuzzling into the shorter man’s hair.
They weren’t just friends anymore.… even if they (unfortunately) had to pretend to be such in public.
But at least they had taken this step together. At least they knew that they weren’t alone.
And without a doubt, it would lead to something beautiful.