Chapter Text
“You want me to do what for you?” Shauna exclaimed, the phone pressed tight against her ear. Jackie stared at her quizzically from behind her on her bed. Jeff paused for a beat on the other end of the line. “Is Jackie there? Can she hear us?” Shauna stole a glance at the girl behind her before turning back to the phone.
“No.” She could have sworn she heard him sigh in response. “So, will you do it?” He added. “I mean, you know her so well, and you’re a way better writer than me…” He trailed off. Out of the corner of Shauna’s eye, she caught Jackie taking a sticky note off her nightstand and quickly writing something on it before showing it to Shauna. Even Jackie’s messiest and rushed script looked elegant and sophisticated.
What is he saying?
Shauna shook her head at Jackie, signaling to her that she would tell her after she hung up.
“Yeah, fine, Jeff. I’ll do it,” Shauna said, lips pressed tight together as she set the receiver back down on its stand.
“C’mon, Shipman, tell me! What did Jeff say?” Jackie said, eyebrows raised as she sat criss-cross applesauce on her bed.
Shauna sighed as she flopped onto her back and landed next to Jackie. “He just wanted to know if I would write his essay. You know, since I’m in honors English.” She cringed at the lie, but lying to Jackie was becoming more and more natural as time went on. They used to tell each other everything, and they still did, just not everything. A filtered version of everything that was easy to explain and didn’t warrant too many questions. It was better that way.
“Oh.” Jackie murmured, seeming slightly disappointed. “And he didn’t, I don’t know, say anything about me? Like—” She paused for a beat, twirling a strand of her dirty blonde hair. God, Shauna always loved how her hair looked in the evening light. Golden hour was what they used to call it at sleepovers when they were little, fighting for a view from the ‘good side’ of Jackie’s bay window. “Like if he thinks I’m pretty? Or if he’s thinking about asking me out or anything?”
“No.”
Was that too cold of a response?
Shauna quickly added, “Sorry, Jax.” Memories of her and Jackie filled her head, their ten year old selves jumping rope and reciting the same playground rhymes over and over. “Liar, liar, pants on fire, sitting on the telephone wire,” Jackie would shout as Shauna jumped, because Jackie was louder, and Shauna was more athletic.
Liar, liar, liar, liar liar liar liar liar
“It’s okay.” Jackie replied, snapping Shauna out of her trance. “When you give him the essay, could you talk to him maybe? Just, you know, ask him what he thinks of me.”
“Yeah, sure.” Shauna forced the words out, biting her tongue to stop herself from making it seem like she cared that Jackie would most likely have a boyfriend by the end of next week. Why did she care, anyway? She should be happy for Jackie. She was her best friend after all, wasn’t she?
“Thanks, Shipman.” Jackie smiled through her words, hugging her knees to her chest and leaning back onto a throw pillow. Shauna sat up and scooted closer to Jackie, her cheeks burning slightly when their bodies met.
“C’mon, let’s watch a movie. What do you feel like?”
***
Shauna came home to her Mom fast asleep on the couch, still in her scrubs, probably trying to get as much sleep as she could before her night shift in just an hour.
She climbed the stairs to her room, ignoring the creaky one so she wouldn’t wake her mom up. Once she got to her door and turned the handle, she let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding in.
Her room was like her sanctuary, somewhere where she could just be in a way she couldn’t anywhere else. She used to be able to relax at Jackie’s too, Jackie’s room like an extension of her own and vice versa, but there had been something awkward between them lately that Shauna couldn’t quite name.
Maybe it was boys. Boys were always the answer to teen girls’ arguments in movies, right? One girl slept with the other’s boyfriend, or kissed him, or one girl left her friend for a guy. Jackie would never leave Shauna for Jeff, right?
As she sat down at her desk and picked up a pencil and slip of paper, she thought about writing a bad note just to sabotage the chances of Jackie and Jeff ever getting together. If she wrote like an asshole, Jackie would decide boys are mean and take a break from dating. And then Jackie would be all hers, forever.
But she knew she couldn’t do that. Jackie really liked Jeff. It wasn’t hard to notice how her face lit up whenever she talked about him, or how happy she sounded when she told Shauna that her Mom was excited that she found a nice boy she could settle down with. Jackie’s parents met in high school, after all. Shauna would write a good note, give it to Jeff, and Jackie would read it out loud for Shauna later, giggling at all the awfully romantic parts only someone who’s known Jackie as long as Shauna has could come up with.
Shauna ran her fingers through her hair, chewing on the pencil that had already been chewed countless times while she tried to write essays for people who should be able to write their own damn essays, thank you very much. At least Jeff’s request was more unique than what she usually got. But suddenly, Shauna found herself appreciating the simplicity of an essay compared to the complexity of a love letter. It shouldn’t be this hard to write about Jackie as if she had a crush on her.
She tried to focus on all the things she would notice about Jackie if she were a boy. The way her hair fell in soft waves that even looked good messy, the way her hazel eyes glowed when she looked at you like she loves you more than anyone else in the entire world. The way her body looks in some of her clothes, the fabric hugging every curve perfectly, the way…
Shauna’s cheeks flushed, her whole body buzzing. This wasn’t how you were supposed to think about her best friend.
Maybe she couldn’t do this for Jeff after all. Her heart pounded in her chest as she desperately tried to calm herself down. She just needed to start writing, stop overthinking, and she’d have something to give Jeff tomorrow morning. Then, she could forget she ever thought about Jackie like that, she could forget any of this ever happened.
She suddenly became hyper-aware of all of the pictures of her and Jackie together positioned around her room. Even if it was photo-Jackie, Jackie saw her have those thoughts. What must Jackie think of her?
***
Jeff was waiting outside Shauna’s locker the next morning when she got to school, arms crossed over his chest expectantly.
“So, did you write the letter?”
Shauna swallowed hard as she turned the dial on her locker and set her chemistry text book on the top shelf.
“Sorry, I’ll get to it later.”
“Hurry up!” said Jeff as he slung his backpack over his letterman jacket-covered shoulders and walked down the hall towards a classroom. Shauna wanted to say, “Hurry up? You’re the one who asked me to write something personal for you in the first place!” But she held her tongue as she slammed her locker door shut. When she turned around, intending to head to practice, she was met with Jackie staring back at her.
“Hey, Shipman. You want to walk to practice together?”
Was there a universe in which Shauna would say no? How could anyone ever say no to Jackie when she knew exactly what to say to make you crumble at her feet and agree to anything she wanted? No matter what anyone said, that was the real reason Coach Martinez made her team captain. Sure, plenty of other girls on the Wiskayok Yellowjackets Girls Soccer Team were faster, or stronger, or more athletic, but Jackie had influence.
“Yeah, of course,” Shauna replied, following Jackie down the hallway towards the field. The walk was painfully awkward, the silence nearly choking Shauna until Jackie finally broke it.
“So… I saw you talking to Jeff earlier? Did you ask him?”
“Uh, yeah. I did. He said he’d meet you at your locker tomorrow.”
Jackie’s face lit up like the Fourth of July.
“Really? He did?”
Finally, a lie Shauna didn’t feel terrible about. Besides, she loved seeing Jackie this happy.
“Thanks, Shipman!” Jackie exclaimed, pulling Shauna into a tight embrace in front of the changing room. Shauna’s heart fluttered a bit, and she slowly pulled away, tucking her hair behind her ear sheepishly as she turned the handle on the door.
***
Shauna downed another cup of ice water, fighting to keep her eyes open as she hunched over the so very blank piece of paper in front of her.
Just a few more sentences, she told herself, pressing her pencil against the paper lazily. Once she had finished, she sat back and read it over a few times.
It was fine. Fine as in, Jackie would love it.
It didn’t say nearly as much as it would if Jackie knew the letter was coming from Shauna, but that was probably for the best. If it didn’t sound enough like Jeff, Jackie would be falling for a person who only existed in pen and who she could never truly have. Shauna didn’t want to inflict that pain on Jackie. She wanted her to be happy, and right now, this letter was doing exactly that.
She gnawed at the tip of her pencil as she folded the paper into a square and slid it into the front pocket of her backpack.
***
“You won’t believe what I found in my locker this morning!” squealed Jackie as she slid into a cafeteria seat opposite Shauna. “What?” asked Shauna, feigning oblivion as she picked up a fork. “Jeff wrote me a letter, and Shipman, it’s so romantic! I guess he’s been noticing me as long as I’ve been noticing him, because he knows so many things about me. He says he’s liked me since we were freshmen! He invited me to a movie on Friday, will you drive me?”
“Yeah, of course,” Shauna said, trying to seem happy for Jackie. Jackie did know that Shauna would always do anything for her, right? She shouldn’t even have to ask at this point, Shauna felt as though it was an unspoken given between them.
“What else did the letter say?” Shauna asked, eager to hear the rest of Jackie’s thoughts. Jackie rummaged through her bag, pulling out a piece of paper and unfolding it.
“Dear Jackie,” she started, smiling at Shauna as if she was eager too. “I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to write this letter. I’ve wanted to since I first saw you on the first day of freshman year, and I’ve tried and tried since then. But I haven’t gotten the words out on paper until now, maybe because lately, your beauty has been too much for me to take. Have you been noticing me like I’ve been noticing you, or am I just another guy on the baseball team to you? I hope you have. Movie Friday? Your choice. I hope to see you there, Number 9. Love, Jeff.”
Jackie sighed, hugging the note to her chest. “He even remembered my jersey number, who knew a boy from the baseball team could be so romantic! Maybe you’ll get a love letter from one of them next! Then we could go on double dates.”
Shauna knew Jackie only had her best interests at heart when she said things like that, but it still stung. Was hanging out with her alone not enough, she had to have a boyfriend too?
“Is there…” Jackie stabbed a piece of food with her fork, sliding it around the tray. “Is there anyone you like?”
Shauna paused, body and mind freezing up in tandem. Was there anybody she liked? There was that boy in biology, but his face was the most interesting part about him and he would never be a good boyfriend. She couldn’t even picture herself dating the nicest boy at Wiskayok High. Maybe she would just never have a boyfriend. For now, Jackie was more than enough for her.
“Not really.” Shauna answered, immediately sensing the disappointment on Jackie’s face. “Well, I’ll tell you everything about Jeff, okay? If he’s a good kisser, stuff like that.” Shauna nodded in agreement. “Okay.”
Jackie smiled at her. “I’m not going to let a stupid boy come between us, Shipman. Promise.”