Chapter Text
Esther Black has always felt different. She listens and watches her older aunts and girl cousins, and she sees a future she doesn’t want. For eleven years, she felt wrong.
She wanted to be like her brother. That’s all she knew. But they were very different. And then he came home from school over the summer, and his hair was long.
They had that in common now, and Sirius looked so happy, and as a byproduct, Esther was happy too.
And then their mother held down a sobbing and begging Sirius and chopped off all his hair.
That night, as she stared blankly into the mirror, she tried to figure out what felt wrong. She reached into the drawers and pulled out a pair of scissors.
Esther cut her hair as short as her brother’s.
She stared into the mirror, and slowly, she smiled. Yes. This felt right. She liked this.
Sirius came into the bathroom as Esther called for him, and his eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he looked at her.
“What did you do?” He asked, walking closer.
“I look like you now,” Esther said, smile dropping. Why wasn’t Sirius happy?
“Mum is going to kill you,” he whispered.
He hugged her.
“I’m sorry. It’s true, and I’m sorry. You look amazing, Essie.”
She didn’t feel amazing. Something was still missing.
Once their mother found out, Sirius took the blame. Said he got mad and asked if she wanted to have the same hair and he did it anyways.
Esther had always hated shopping for clothes. Her mother always wanted her to have dresses and skirts and pretty blouses. Esther wanted pants and sweaters and baggy shirts.
School shopping was always worse.
“Do you like this skirt?”
“I want the pants.”
“All the girls will be wearing skirts.”
“I don’t care.”
“Pick one or I’ll do it for you.”
“I don’t want one.”
“Esther, how many times must we do this? You need a skirt for your new school, you won’t wear pants.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re a girl. You’ll buy a skirt and you will wear it and I won’t hear it anymore about pants.”
Her mother grabbed a skirt and dragged her to get it fitted.
The day before school began, Esther’s hair had grown down to her shoulders now, and her mother had fixed it to be even.
Sirius also said he had a surprise. Esther followed him into his room, where he pulled out two pair of pants.
“These are mine from last year. They don’t fit anymore. Put them on, I’ll make adjusts and get my friends at school to hem them.”
Sirius never failed to make Esther happy. While she wore those pants, she felt euphoric. Dresses and skirts never felt right.
It felt like she was in somebody else’s body. That her skin had been sewn on, stapled shut. Most clothes she had didn’t feel right. They clung to her in all the wrong places.
Can anyone else see the stitching in her skin?
On the train to school, Sirius dragged her to meet his friends. They waved, said hello, and Esther felt welcomed. Her eyes did get a little stuck on James Potter, but she tried her best to ignore it.
She sat between Remus and Peter, while Sirius sat on the opposite side with James. Esther watched how they interacted. Sirius was different here, with his friends. Esther felt so out of place. She talked mostly with Remus, they both liked to read. Remus liked music, while Esther liked art. She liked stargazing and sunsets, and he liked photography and sunrises.
At school, since Esther was younger, she didn’t see much of her brother. Two days into the year, Sirius gave her the pants, they talked, and Esther didn’t interact with him for months to come. She tried her best, waved at him in halls and during lunch, but Sirius was always too caught up in his friends.
So, reluctantly, Esther made her own friends.
It started with Pandora, then Dorcas, who is a year older but she’s around more. Through Dorcas she met Barty, and then it wasn’t long before she met Evan, who’s Pandora’s twin.
Esther didn’t need her brother after that (she did, she really really needed him). She had friends, why would she need her brother (nobody else understands)?
She was happy (but not comfortable).
Esther watched Pandora every morning as she did her makeup. She’d ask Esther if she wanted mascara, nail polish, lip-gloss, eyeshadow, anything. She didn’t, she hated all that stuff. She was only eleven anyway, maybe when she’s older.
She started getting closer to Evan, as well. They’d stay up late talking, and they always droned on about everything and nothing.
Remus wasn’t around much. Sometimes he’d sit with her in the library or walk with her down the hall and they’d catch up, but that was it, and Esther was okay with that.
Soon, she was able to turn off her thoughts (WHY AM I DIFFERENT WHY AM I DIFFERENT WHY AM I DIFFERENT I SHOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS) and focus on her friends instead.
Christmas holidays rolled around, and Esther didn’t want to go home. So, she didn’t. Barty was the only one of her friends who stayed back.
A few days in is when Sirius would talk to her.
She was in the halls, walking to the library to study when Sirius approached her. He did not look happy.
“What are you doing?” He asked, and it was not friendly.
“Going to the library.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
“Do I?” Esther paused. “Nope, don’t think I do.”
“Stop talking to my friends.”
“What, you mean Remus? Why? You can’t boss me around. I’ll talk to who I want to.”
“Just - not him. Talk to Peter.”
There was a spark in his eye. Esther tilted her head.
“You’re not jealous, are you? I don’t see why.”
“I’m not. Remus has friends.”
“Yes, I’m one of them. What’s your issue? You’ve been ignoring me since we got here. You can’t do that and come yell at me to stop talking to my friend.”
“Listen, Essie. I’ll only tell you this once. I’m growing up. I have friends that aren’t associated with our family. I’m going to leave there one day and I won’t come back.”
Esther frowned.
“So, what, you just won’t talk to me? Won’t look at me? What about when we go home? You’ll just talk to me because you have no one else?”
“Sure, whatever. I don’t know. But-“
“I’m not like them, either.”
…
“What do you mean? Of course you’re not, you’re too young."
“No, I mean I-“
Feel different.
I’m trapped, Sirius.
This isn’t my body I don’t know why I’m here.
WHY AM I HERE?
“Never mind. You don’t have to ignore me, I won’t hold you back.”
Please don’t make me beg.
Sirius shrugs helplessly. “I’ll see what happens.”
Please don’t leave me behind.
“Okay. Stop harassing me about talking to Remus. I’ll just move on to James.”
Sirius laughs softly. “Wow. Alright, see you around.”
Esther thought that meant Sirius wouldn’t leave her behind. That’s exactly what he did. He didn’t say anything to her the rest of the school year.
Sometimes she’d wave in the hall, and he wouldn’t even look at her.
She’d ask Remus about it, and he couldn’t explain it.
Most nights she cried, but nobody has to know that.
She misses her brother. But that’s okay. She has her friends.
The first time Esther broke down crying in the mirror at school was in February. She had managed to ignore her mind for so long. But she’s alone and exhausted.
Something wasn’t right. She shouldn’t feel like this. Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong. Her heart is missing, isn’t it? Her skin is locked away, somewhere guarded by a hooded figure. She’d beg to get by. The guard would ask her name, and she’d tell him, but he’d shake his head, tell her to come back later. At least that’s what her dreams show.
Eventually, Pandora noticed something was off.
“Do you ever feel like someone else?”
“I can’t say that I do, no.”
(WHY AM I DIFFERENT WHY AM I DIFFERENT)
“Oh, okay. Sorry, I’m just tired. I’m okay, though, thank you for asking.”
(WHY AM I DIFFERENT WHY AM I DIFFERENT)
Esther was not happy. She wasn’t any better. Everything was blank, missing, too far away.
She left the building that night and wandered the grounds, not sure where she was going until she got to the Black Lake.
She watched the water flow around the school, the ripples and bubbles breaking the surface as the creatures down below swum meaninglessly.
Esther sat, and she counted to a thousand. She eventually lay on her back and counted all the stars and constellations she could see. She asked the stars what was wrong with her.
She could see Leo from here, the constellation. That one was always her favourite. The lion.
She stared for a few minutes. Then, as loud and deafening and heartbreaking as she could muster, screamed. She screamed until her throat was raw and her voice kept breaking.
It didn’t help any.
She lay there until the moon was disappearing and the sun reached the horizon. Then she walked back inside and had a shower and forgot the whole thing.
When school was out and everyone was going home, Esther put on her skirt and a smile. It’s fine.
She sat with her friends on the train home, and she used those last few hours with them wisely. She talked and talked until they reached her stop and she had to leave. She didn’t see Sirius until she was in the car and he was making his way toward it.
Their parents had sent the driver, of course.
At home Sirius’ hair was chopped again.
“You look beautiful, Esther,” Her mother said after she screamed and yelled at Sirius. “I told you you’d learn to love skirts.”
Esther did not love it. She felt disgusted. Maybe if she was someone else, maybe if her skin fit just right, then she’d love it.
Sirius didn’t talk to her much. Which was a shame, because Esther really needed her big brother. She needed him to tell her what was wrong. She needed him to stop talking about James and focus on her.
Sirius didn’t.
Second year was the same as first, except Esther went out every night and yelled at the stars. She told them to stop. To make her feel normal. It was getting worse, and she didn’t know why. She only stopped going out when her voice didn’t work. She was taken to the nurse, given water and told to not use her voice at high volumes. She did drink more water, but she kept yelling at the stars every night.
Summer before third year was the worst. Sirius acted out more, resulting in more punishment. Esther continued to feel more and more unlike herself.
In third year after she’d lost her voice a month in, she just gave up. She didn’t talk to anyone.
She ignored Remus. Then it was Dorcas, then Barty, then Evan, then Pandora.
She sat alone as often as she could, and she didn’t look up. She didn’t yell at the stars anymore. She just cried and begged them to make it stop.
Her friends tried so hard. They asked her what was wrong, why she was being so distant.
Esther didn’t tell them because she knew they wouldn’t understand. They’d call her crazy.
What do you mean, you feel hollow?
What do you mean, you don’t feel real?
Of course you’re real.
I am, but something isn’t right.
Over the summer, it kept getting worse. She hated her body. It went past being insecure. She’s beautiful, but not right.
And then the accident happened a year later.
Sirius got in trouble with the whole family over. When they left, Sirius was beat until he bled everywhere. He could hardly stand. At some point, he passed out, but that didn’t make them stop.
Their parents were going to kill him.
And then they stopped. Walburga left and she went to sleep. Orion left and he went to his office. Esther did not leave.
She tried to pick Sirius up, to take him away, but he was just dead weight. She grabbed both his arms and she dragged him out of that house. She didn’t stop until she reached a phone booth.
It was dark, and nobody was out, and Esther was so scared.
She also didn’t have any money.
She checked Sirius for anything. He had a wallet in his pocket. Esther pulled it out and checked everywhere. She found a few quarters and took them. There was also a folded piece of paper.
She unfolded that, just because she was curious. And bless her luck. There was the numbers of his friends.
Esther called Peter and Remus, but they didn’t answer. She called James next.
“Hello?” James said into the phone.
“James? Please, you need to come help. It’s- it’s Sirius. He’s- it’s bad, it’s really really bad.”
“Okay,” James says, and he sounded alarmed. “Okay, where are you?”
“Um, corner of Grimmauld and Salazar road. He’s passed out and I couldn’t take him any further.”
“Alright, Esther, me and my mum are going to leave now. We’ll be there in an hour or so, try and wake him up for now, yeah?”
“Yes, okay. Thank you.”
James hung up. Esther crouched down and sat next to Sirius.
She tried everything to wake him up, and he eventually did, twenty minutes later.
He sat up, held his head, and was quiet for a long time.
“Why are we outside?” he asked eventually.
“I called James, he’ll be here in half an hour.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
“Whatever.”
“C’mon, Essie. Don’t be like this, not right now.”
Esther shook her head. Her voice hurt to use, and it didn’t sound right.
“I’m sorry. I really am. Are you leaving with me?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“We can’t both leave. One or none.”
“That’s bull.”
Esther shook her head.
“Alright, so we’ve got half an hour. Tell me what’s up with you?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s bull as well. Something is, Remus told me you aren’t speaking to him, or anyone. You don’t look happy.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Please, Essie.”
“You can’t understand.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because I don’t understand. It’s under my skin, I can’t get to it.”
“Well, that I get, I put up a mask all the time, everywhere.”
“It’s not a mask, I don’t do it on purpose.”
“Oh. So, tell me what you feel.”
“Wrong. Everywhere. Somethings so wrong with me, and I don’t understand it.”
“Come with me. We can figure it out together.”
“No, it’s not that easy.”
“Have you tried?”
“It’s not easy, Sirius. I don’t know.”
“Are you insecure?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t understand. You aren’t explaining it right.”
“I told you. I don’t know how to. Goodnight, Sirius, I’m going back inside.”
“I’ll come back for you, I will.”
“Sure.”
“Goodnight.”
Esther walked inside. She went up the stairs, dragging her hand along the wall as she went. She couldn’t feel a thing.
Don’t feel bad…
It’s me, all my fault.
Back in school it was worse. It kept getting worse. She didn’t go out at night, she couldn’t get out of bed. Showers were difficult, she couldn’t stand the sight of herself. Everything and everyone became too annoying. She pushed it all away. She avoided mirrors, hearing her name made her want to cry and cry and rip her skin off.
CAN YOU SEE MY HEART?
PLEASE, IT’S MISSING, WHERE DID YOU GO?
She looked in the mirror on a really bad day. She had just been trying to use the bathroom. She punched it, and it shattered, and she sobbed.
It’s in my skin.
My bones.
I need to get at it.
Esther picked up a shard of glass and she cut herself open at the seams trying to find what she’s meant to be.
She cut open her chest and her heart wasn’t there.
Nothing was. No bones, no blood, nothing. It was empty.
That was the worst feeling ever. She had tore off her skin trying to find what she’s meant to be, but everything was gone. Just a black mass.
WHY AM I DIFFERENT.
PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP ME.
I’VE RIPPED MY SKIN OFF AND I DIDN’T FEEL A THING.
PLEASE HELP ME.
please.
Nobody answered.
Esther let her skin sow itself back together. She stood up and watched the mirror come back. She washed her face with cold water, wiped her tears away. She took a deep breath.
I am okay. This is my skin. I am ok. I am. I am. I am. I am.
She dreamed of the hooded figure.
“What’s your name?”
“Esther Black.”
“I am sorry. Come back soon.”
“LET ME THROUGH. WHY AM I WRONG? THIS ISN’T ME. PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY SKIN.”
“Come back soon.”
“FUCK YOU.”
And then she woke up.
She stopped going to her classes. She stopped going to the library. She stopped eating. She stopped leaving her dorm. She stopped leaving her bed. Eventually, she felt as though she stopped breathing. She’d sleep the day away, and sleep at night. And those spots where she was awake and couldn’t sleep anymore, she’d stare at the roof and wonder why she’s feeling like this.
Eventually, people stopped asking if she was okay.
Days went by before she did anything. She had been crying again.
“Essie?”
She didn’t need to come out from under the blankets to know who that was.
“Why are you here,” she asked between sobs, hoping it sounded okay.
“Everyone’s worried.”
WHY ARE YOU HERE.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
CAN’T YOU SEE I’M DYING.
“Tell them I’m okay.”
“You’re not. You’ve been missing all your classes as well.”
DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE?
“So?”
“So teacher’s aren’t happy either. They can expel you.”
“I don’t care.”
And she didn’t. Not. One. Bit.
“Does this have to do with what you said that night I left? About you being wrong?”
Esther didn’t answer. She doesn’t know. Not one fucking clue.
“I don’t know.”
I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME.
YOU’RE NOT THERE.
YOU’RE NEVER HERE.
“Do you know anything?”
He sounds annoyed, almost. Mostly sarcastic.
“No.”
WHY WOULD I KNOW ANYTHING.
I don’t even know WHO I AM.
“That’s helpful.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Me neither. Anything.”
“Leave.”
“What?”
“Just leave. Go away.”
“No, I came here to get you to get up.”
“Go away…”
“No, Essie.”
“Please leave me alone.”
“I can’t. Not until you get out of bed.”
LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE GO AWAY PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.
“Leave me alone.”
“No.”
“Sirius. Go.”
“Essie just get up and eat something and I’ll go.”
Esther sat up, blankets thrown off, expression wild.
“Get out. I won’t tell you again.”
“I won’t tell you again, either, get up.”
LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE
“LEAVE ME ALONE.”
oh.
was that said out loud?
Sirius took a step back, eyes wide.
“I think you-“
“Shut up. Stop talking, stop it. Get out, please. Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone.”
“I’m worried about you, Esther. I can’t leave you alone.”
“You’re never around, why do you care? Don’t give me that worried bullshit. I don’t want to listen to you, I don’t want to be around you, I don’t want to be around anyone, I just need to sleep it off, that’s it.”
“You haven’t left in a week.”
“So?”
“You need to get out of bed.”
“You need to leave.”
“I told you, I won’t until you will.”
“I’m not leaving until I feel like it.”
“Okay. I’ll just stay here. Or you can tell me what’s up with you.”
Esther lay back down and stares at the roof.
“I don’t know. I really, really, don’t. A few weeks ago I cut my skin open. I cut it all off, and I cut open my chest. Do you know what I found?”
Sirius doesn’t say anything.
“Nothing. I’m all hollowed out, Sirius, and I can’t get to my skin. I don’t even have a heart, I don’t have anything. I didn’t feel a thing, do you know that? I tore myself apart and there was nothing there anyways.
“I don’t even think I know anything about myself. I don’t even know what my name is. I don’t even know who I am. And I don’t tell anyone because nobody understands. Pandora didn’t, and that says enough. But I can’t make them understand because I don’t.”
“Are you-“
“No. I’m not crazy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m different. Everything just feels so wrong and nobody else feels like this. My skin is wrong. I have nothing under this. This isn’t mine, I don’t know why I’m here. I used to go out every night to the black lake and I’d yell at the stars to make me feel normal. They told me to kill myself and I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and- I don’t have much purpose if I’m here to tear myself apart anyways.“
“I wasn’t going to call you crazy. Peter’s cousin is- she’s transgender. Do you think that might be it?”
“What the fuck even is that.”
“She was born a boy. But that didn’t feel right, just like you said. She learned about it, and transitioned, and now she’s a girl. Do you think you might want to be a boy? In between?”
Esther paused.
A boy?
She can do that?
“That’s not right. No- I… that isn’t it.”
That also might be a lie. She doesn’t know.
“I’ll let you think about it and I’ll return at dinner with food.”
Sirius stands.
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGURE MYSELF OUT.
“Bye.”
He’s gone.
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGURE MYSELF OUT.
Esther spends the next few hours thinking. She could be a boy. Is that right? Does it feel right?
She ends up falling asleep, and the hooded figure is there again.
“What is your name.”
“I don’t know anymore. I just want my skin back. Please, I don’t know.”
“You’re getting there.”
“What?”
“You’re getting there.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You will be great, R-“
And then Sirius woke her.
“Hey. Eat.”
Esther does, because she doesn’t realize how hungry she is until she’s eating.
“Thought on it?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“That’s okay, it can be something else.”
“Do you know the stars in the Leo constellation?” Esther asks, because she’s tired of being confused.
“The main ones, yes. Al Jabbah, Algieba, and Regulus.”
They talk more, avoiding the subject of Esther’s problems. He does leave as sky gets darker and darker.
She dreams again.
“What is your name?”
“Regulus Black.”
“Ah, well.”
He moves aside, and she walks through. Her skin is- it’s different. It’s the skin of a man. She wonders if she tore apart this skin, would there be bones and blood?
“Where’s my heart?” She asks.
“It awaits.”
And she wakes up.