Work Text:
Yuuji trailed hesitantly after Kenjirou as he confidently pushed the shopping cart down the aisle.
“I found the perfect program,” Kenjirou was saying, “I’ll be at the gym for about three hours a day but I’ll try to jog there so you don’t have to worry about me having the car so much. I know you didn’t really like the last workout program I tried, but this one’s way different so you don’t have to worry one bit!”
Looking into their shopping cart, Yuuji wasn’t positive his rising feeling of concern wasn’t warranted. The basket was heaped with hunks of meat, bags of seeds, cartons of eggs, and a plethora of other protein-rich foods.
Kenjirou continued checking items off his list and talking, not looking back to see the unease written on Yuuji’s face. “The problem with the last one was that it was a rapid increase style; it was probably designed for people who lift a lot and can increase their weight limit quicker. That was my fault that it didn’t work. This one is a lot better. It’s a little more time spent at the gym, but I won’t be going up in weights as fast. I’m not going to get hurt this time. Also my muscles are stronger now anyway. Good researching, huh.”
When Kenjirou looked over his shoulder for affirmation, Yuuji could see the sparkle in his eye. He was excited to be trying something new like this. While Yuuji couldn’t say it was a bad thing to want to exercise by any means, Kenjirou’s definition of getting in shape was often a little skewed.
“It wasn’t a problem with how strong your muscles were,” Yuuji said, uncharacteristically quiet. “That’s not all there is to lifting. Your bones and joints are—”
“Do you want to help me in making all this food?” Kenjirou talked over him. “You’re the more experienced cook of the two of us and you make even nasty-looking shit like this taste good. I can figure it out myself, but I thought I’d offer since you like when we spend time together in the kitchen.”
“Of course. And I’d like to come with you to the gym as well.”
Kenjirou finally stopped walking and turned to look at Yuuji. “Why?”
Yuuji attempted to change his demeanor to not clue Kenjirou in to his worry. He tossed a bag of cookies into the shopping cart with a cheeky grin. “I wanna workout with you so I can feel good enough to eat these.”
Kenjirou stifled a grin and continued down the aisle.
Yuuji had asked to see Kenjirou’s diet plan when they arrived back home and he cringed visibly as he sat down at the kitchen table while Kenjirou put the groceries away. The diet was exclusively high-protein foods and a lot of them. Yuuji looked across the kitchen to his boyfriend. “Kenjirou, are you sure you’re going to be able to eat this much?”
Kenjirou nodded eagerly. “I’ll have to in order to keep up with the workout plan.” He jumped over to the table and showed Yuuji the next page showing the exercise regime.
Yuuji shook his head. “Kenjirou, this plan is for bodybuilders. This is a hundred times more than I’ve ever done myself. You can’t expect yourself to be able to complete this!”
“Yuuji, this is my chance. I just have to stay focused on the end goal and—”
Yuuji steeled his voice. “Kenjirou, you’re going to break before you succeed at this.”
Kenjirou blinked twice and his posture slumped. His eyes narrowed and his lips turned downwards into an angry scowl
“Kenjirou, don’t take this the wrong way!” Yuuji yelled, but Kenjirou had already turned on his heel and stalked into the bedroom.
Yuuji put his head in his hands for a moment before shaking the emotions off and standing up. Kenjirou would need a minute alone to cool off and this was something that needed to be resolved today. Yuuji stepped quietly over to the pantry, making sure his footsteps didn’t sound angry since louder noises could often be heard in the bedroom. Yuuji grabbed a box of mac n cheese and set a pot of water to boil on the stove.
He waited for it to warm up and leaned against the counter, thinking quietly. Unfortunately this was far from the first time that this had happened. No matter what Yuuji said or did, Kenjirou never seemed to be satisfied with his physique. Yuuji thought he was perfect and would be no matter what sort of shape he was in. But Kenjirou just had to keep pushing. Yuuji understood his stubbornness in all issues, but for once, he just wished that Kenjirou would just listen to him. All Yuuji could think about was the last time Kenjirou had jumped headfirst into a fitness regime to bulk up fast. Yuuji would never again be able to forget the sounds of Kenjirou’s pained and scared screams as he sat on the uninviting examination table in the hospital while the doctor checked his severely impinged shoulder for signs of a rotator cuff tear.
As Yuuji’s emotions threatened to bubble over, the water in the pot was doing the same. He snapped out of his trance and turned the heat down, pouring the correct serving amount of noodles into the pot.
Yuuji started to gather the other ingredients, milk, cheese, butter, and he thought about the days following the incident. Since Kenjirou hadn't been in much of a position to argue, Yuuji had confined him to bed, letting his strained shoulder heal itself. And through it all, Kenjirou had still felt awful for the same reasons. He was still self conscious, now worrying about the weight he would gain, not moving from bed for several days. There wasn’t much that Yuuji could do except make sure he ate quality food and stayed strong. Like every time, Kenjirou had bounced back and life fell back into a normal rhythm. Until the cycle started over once again. Yuuji needed this to stop somewhere, there had to be a solution somewhere. Maybe if he pushed hard enough, Kenjirou would give in, but the damage that would do to his pride would be irreparable.
Yuuji finished dishing up the two bowls of mac n cheese and headed to the bedroom, calling softly to Kenjirou to let him in since his hands were full.
Kenjirou looked at the pasta skeptically.
“Chill out, you’re not on a diet yet,” Yuuji reminded him, sitting on their bed.
Kenjirou joined him there and they ate in silence for a few moments.
“You know how much your well-being means to me, right?” Yuuji started.
Kenjirou looked away, stirring his spoon around in the bowl for a few seconds silently. “I know. But I want to be happy too.”
“You can be happy without this. Let me show you, just give me one night to show you just how incredible your body is to me.”
Kenjirou took a bite of the mac n cheese, relaxing a little and leaning against Yuuji. “Thanks, but I already know. I know what you think of me. You never stop telling me. And that used to be enough for me. But right now I want to be happy with me too...”
“You’re allowed to be happy with yourself. You’re allowed to improve! I think that’s a great idea and I’d love you to come with me when I go to the gym. But these crazy plans aren’t the way, Kenjirou. I don’t want to offend you, but it’s just not realistic.”
“I have a good feeling about this one though. Just let me see how it feels. They told me I couldn’t play at Shiratorizawa either. Maybe I’ll exceed the expectation again.”
Yuuji relaxed slightly as well. At least Kenjirou wasn’t so focused on the end result that he was losing track of the steps to get there like last time. He smiled and scooped a spoonful of mac n cheese, hovering it near Kenjirou’s mouth.
Kenjirou grinned and accepted the sharing. “If it’s going to be this way, you didn’t have to split it into separate bowls, you know.”
Yuuji laughed. “Next time I’ll just bring the entire pot in here. That’s all we really need right?”
Kenjirou leaned his head on Yuuji’s shoulder, smiling. “You, me, a couple of spoons and a pot full of mac n cheese. Sounds about right.”
The next morning Yuuji awoke to Kenjirou’s alarm going off at 7:00.
Yuuji had no trouble waking up, but Kenjirou’s movements were lethargic beside him as he switched off the alarm.
“Why so early today, Kenjirou?” Yuuji asked, contently watch Kenjirou sit up and stretch his arms into the air.
“Going to the gym, remember?”
The previous day came flooding back into Yuuji’s memory and he sat up as well. “You’re not mad at me for yesterday, right?”
Kenjirou pecked Yuuji’s cheek. “Of course not. We talked things out like normal and I can’t stay mad at you for long anyway. Why, did you think I was mad at you?”
“No, not particularly, but you’re still going to let me come to the gym with you, right?”
“Yeah sure. Only if you’re gonna help cheer me on.”
Yuuji’s smile was a bit forced as he swept Kenjirou into his lap. “I’ll always be here to cheer you on...”
Thirty minutes later at the gym, when Yuuji saw the straight bar Kenjirou was planning on starting bicep curls with, he didn’t feel like cheering.
Yuuji kept his hands positioned under the various bars during Kenjirou’s exercises, ready to catch it at a moment’s notice. All of the weights were much heavier than Yuuji would’ve ever recommended that Kenjirou start with, but he was able to complete most of the sets, though he looked like he was in agony the entire time.
“Kenjirou, you don’t need to start off so heavy. This isn’t about doing the absolute maximum you can lift without collapsing. Maybe tone it down a little?”
“I know what I can handle, Yuuji.” The snappish tone of voice was back. “I’m stronger than I look. I don’t have to be dependent all the time.”
Was that part of the problem? Yuuji wondered if Kenjirou was starting to feel a bit of an inferiority complex.
Yuuji was still surprised when he made it through the first day of the training. While not everything had been completed, Yuuji had done his best to reassure Kenjirou that only making it through two of the three sets of reps was okay and he would just try again in a few days when he worked that part of his body again.
“I’m starving.” Kenjirou stepped into the kitchen, still looking upbeat from his success at the gym.
“I’m not surprised you worked up an appetite,” Yuuji said, smiling and putting an arm around Kenjirou’s waist, unconcerned about touching the sweat-damp material. “What do you want for lunch? You can go shower and I’ll make you something.”
Kenjirou grinned and gave Yuuji a light kiss. “I don’t really care. Thank you.”
Yuuji grabbed ahold and slid his hands under Kenjirou’s shirt for a moment before he slipped away to the bathroom. Yuuji thought about what it was going to feel like in a few months when Yuuji would run his fingers across Kenjirou’s bare skin and feel the graceful curve of muscles under the surface. If Kenjirou worked out diligently like he looked like he was going to, the results would surely satisfy him.
Yuuji placed a few eggs in a pot to boil and grabbed a few meats and cheeses from the fridge to start making a sandwich. This workout regime looked like it might actually go well for once. Kenjirou had said this one was less about moving up in weights quickly and more just about feeling and being stronger. As long as he stuck with that philosophy, he could go far.
The top slice of bread was in place and the eggs had finished cooking. Yuuji set the substantial plate of food on the table before looking toward the bathroom door and frowning. It didn’t usually take Kenjirou this long to shower.
Yuuji knocked lightly before entering.
Kenjirou was standing in front of the mirror, looking himself over.
Yuuji put his hands on Kenjirou’s hips and kissed the back of his neck. “Kenjirou, you’re not going to see any change after just one day. Please tell me this isn’t news to you.”
“I know. I feel stronger already though.”
“I’m glad then. Just... You need to be careful with this, okay?”
“I know, Yuuji. I’m going to be.”
“Yeah... I know you will. Lunch is ready.”
“Thank you. I’ll be out in a minute.
The first real indicator that things were not going to plan was the next morning. Immediately after stepping into the weight room, Kenjirou started to dash toward the equipment.
Yuuji caught him by the wrist and tugged him back toward the mats near the entrance. “Stretch first.”
Kenjirou consented without an argument, but Yuuji knew that if he wasn’t ordered, he wouldn’t be the one to stretch. That worried Yuuji a bit, considering how much Kenjirou was trying to pull off here. As long as Yuuji was there though, he wouldn’t stop reminding Kenjirou to fully prepare himself for working out.
The first machine Kenjirou approached was one that he’d used the day before.
“Kenjirou, you did lat pull-downs yesterday.”
“Yeah?” He adjusted the weight settings absently.
Yuuji grabbed Kenjirou’s shoulder and yanked him away from the machine. “Three to four days of rest between working a muscle. You have plenty of muscle groups you didn’t work yesterday that you can do today.”
Kenjirou rolled his eyes but started to walk away from the pull-down bar.
“Hey, look at me!” Yuuji winced at how clipped his voice sounded, but he was starting to get bad vibes from this entire project. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Kenjirou. I’m trying to keep you safe!”
Kenjirou looked away. “Sorry... I know.”
Yuuji softened at how quick Kenjirou was to relent. He was probably just fired up and losing track of the big picture like he tended to do.
Despite the unnecessary rigor and the occasional attempt to increase weights beyond what he should’ve, day two went fairly smoothly for Kenjirou as well. He seemed more fatigued upon getting home, but that wasn’t unrealistic. If Yuuji could get him into good habits for slowly increasing what he lifted, the constant soreness would fade to the pure satisfaction that Yuuji always got from lifting.
Back in the gym the next morning, Kenjirou lined himself up with the squat rack, taking the bar over his shoulders.
Yuuji counted the ring weights on either side of the bar. “Kenjirou, this is how much I squat, you can’t do this!”
Kenjirou scowled into the mirror that wrapped around the entire room. “Yeah? Just watch me.”
Yuuji was genuinely surprised when Kenjirou completed three reps successfully with good form. Yuuji watched in slow motion as Kenjirou sunk down for the fourth repetition and something changed instantaneously.
Yuuji grabbed the bar away from Kenjirou, slinging it onto the safety rack as Kenjirou fell to his hands and knees. Yuuji finished securing the bar back where it had started then knelt by Kenjirou. “Can you stand?” he asked softly.
Kenjirou grabbed onto Yuuji and pulled himself back up shakily, keeping pressure off his left leg entirely.
They managed to hobble slowly out of the gym, but the second they stepped outside, they clung to each other.
“Yuuji!” Kenjirou sobbed. “Fuck, it hurts!”
Yuuji shushed him gently, picking him up and trying not to jar the apparent injury on his left quadricep. Yuuji carried Kenjirou to the car as quickly as he could, setting him down in the passenger seat and pushing the button to recline it for his comfort.
Immediately Kenjirou was reaching for his leg, lost in his panic and pain.
Yuuji leaned over him to get into the bag of street clothes in the backseat, pulling out his belt. He cinched Kenjirou’s wrists together behind his back, probably fairly uncomfortably. “Do not. Touch it.” Yuuji said forcefully before climbing into the driver’s seat and taking off.
Yuuji carried Kenjirou inside and placed him down on the bed before running back to grab a bag of ice and a dish towel to wrap around it.
He untied Kenjirou’s hands but told him to keep them out of the way. Yuuji tugged Kenjirou’s track pants down to his knees, staring in horror at the purple-y red patch of skin on his thigh.
Kenjirou covered his eyes, tears running down his face.
Yuuji gingerly placed the ice pack over the site of the torn muscle, his heart clenching as Kenjirou whimpered loudly. The key piece to dealing with an injured Kenjirou was to ignore his emotional well-being as long as he wasn’t panicking until he was taken care of physically.
Yuuji stayed quiet, not bothering with comforting words until he’d wrapped an Ace bandage around Kenjirou’s leg, propped it up with a few extra pillows, and made sure the ice pack was reducing the swelling.
Finally, Yuuji sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at Kenjirou for the first time.
“I’m sorry...” A tear started to run its way down Kenjirou’s cheek, but Yuuji brushed it away before it reached his jaw.
Before Kenjirou even opened his mouth again, Yuuji could see it wasn’t going to be the only one.
“I didn’t listen to you, but I really should have. I have no excuse, this is exactly how it ends up every time! I’m so fucking stupid to think I can do this! I’m weak and I always will be and I’ll never be good enough for this! And I’ll never be good enough for you! I’m always going to be like this and I hate it! I just want to improve myself! But I can’t, I can’t change myself, I’m stuck this way forever!”
Yuuji put his hands on Kenjirou’s shoulders and held him firmly against the bed. “Kenjirou, settle down, you’re okay, you’re not stupid or weak. Just breathe for me.”
Kenjirou took a few shuddering breaths, done crying now.
Yuuji rubbed Kenjirou’s chest until his breathing had gone completely back to its normal rate. “Does your leg hurt badly?”
Kenjirou wiped the last of his tears away. “Kinda. Yeah.”
“Let me go get you something from the medicine cabinet. Don’t move, okay? I’ll be right back.”
Kenjirou lay perfectly still until Yuuji returned only a half a minute later with a bottle of pills and a glass of water.
“What is it?” Kenjirou asked, skeptically.
“Just ibuprofen. It’ll take some of the pain away and reduce the swelling, though the ice seems to be doing a pretty good job of that too.”
Kenjirou swallowed the pill without too much coaxing and went back to looking at the ceiling.
The emotional and physical pain in Kenjirou’s eyes made Yuuji want to scream. How had he let this happen? Who cared what stopping him would’ve done to his pride, at least he wouldn’t be laying here with hopelessness in his gaze and his leg on fire. Yuuji sprang up and crawled onto the bed on Kenjirou’s other side, putting an arm around his chest and kissing his jaw a few times. “Hey. Don’t be like this. Smile for me.”
Kenjirou’s lips turned upwards shakily, but enough for Yuuji to be satisfied.
“Are you mad?” Kenjirou asked.
“I could never be mad at you. You know that. I was just scared, so sorry for being a little harsh.”
Kenjirou nodded. “It’s okay. Thank you for taking care of me.”
“Of course. How about a nap? You look exhausted.”
Kenjirou already seemed to be nodding off as he mumbled “sure” and relaxed into the pillow.
Yuuji stroked Kenjirou’s hair as he waited for his breathing to even out as he drifted off. Yuuji intended to get up and accomplish something, look at the injury again, call Kenjirou’s mother at the very least, but he stayed where he was for several long minutes, just thinking. He didn’t know what he could possibly do to help Kenjirou out. Obviously he would stay right by his side for the next several days as Kenjirou would struggle to get around on his own with a strain that bad. In the short term, Yuuji would do everything he could to help Kenjirou heal, but he wanted to do more. He wanted to make sure Kenjirou never got hurt like this again. Yuuji just wasn’t sure what else to try to convince him that he didn’t need to change his body at all?
Finally Yuuji stood up carefully so as not to disturb Kenjirou. He removed the ice pack from his leg since it wasn’t supposed to be on there more than about 20 minutes at a time anyway. Yuuji undid the bandage, taking a longer look at the red patch of burst blood vessels that marked the torn muscle, glad he didn’t have to worry about a panicking Kenjirou watching. He brushed his fingers over the spot, assessing the damage. It didn’t look so bad that he would need medical attention though an actual doctor’s assessment might still be beneficial. Should he make an appointment without Kenjirou’s approval? Yuuji knew Kenjirou wouldn’t be happy with that but if it was in his better interest to go in, Yuuji wouldn’t hesitate. All the thoughts were running around his head so fast, he couldn’t even pick out the important ones anymore.
He ran his hand across Kenjirou’s chest, almost instantly feeling a bit of calm clarity wash over him. Not as overwhelmed anymore, he figured out the best course of action quickly: he would go to who he’d always gone to for advice.
Yuuji sat down again on the couch in the living room, the phone pressed up against his ear. One ring later, he stood up again, choosing to pace the kitchen instead. She picked up quickly though, the third ring, Yuuji counted.
“Hello?”
“Mom. How are you?”
“I’m doing fine, Yuuji, thanks for calling! Is everything going well for you?”
“Not as much as I’d like. I need some advice.”
“Of course, baby, what is it?”
“Kenjirou got himself hurt again.”
There was a sharp intake of breath on the other line. “Is he okay? Do you need me to come over? Let me talk to him!”
“Mom, he’s fine. He’s sleeping right now and he’ll be alright. He strained a muscle in his leg pretty badly I think, but I’m not entirely sure what to do. Not about his leg, about him in general. I...”
“I’m listening, Yuuji. Let me help you both if I can.”
Yuuji explained the entire situation to her, from Kenjirou’s constant dissatisfaction with himself to his overworking himself at the gym and tearing his quadricep.
“How badly torn is it?” was her first question.
“Not awful. It looks kind of gross because of the burst blood vessels, but it’ll heal easily enough.”
“I still have those crutches from when you sprained your ankle a few years ago. Would you like to borrow them? It’ll help him regain his mobility quicker.”
“That sounds great. Thanks, mom.”
“Of course. I’ll bring them right over. Is there anything else you need for Kenjirou that I can bring?”
“I think you being here will make him happy. He likes you and it’ll get his mind off the pain.”
“Then I’ll be more than happy to hang around and chat for a while.”
And Kenjirou had seemed plenty content for most of the afternoon. It wasn’t until Yuuji had left the room to make dinner and then come back that the shift in his demeanor happened.
Yuuji set the plate for Kenjirou down on the bedside table and was about to climb onto the mattress on his other side, but Kenjirou froze him with an upset look.
“I’m not really hungry, Yuuji,” Kenjirou muttered.
Yuuji stopped and looked hard at Kenjirou. There was something off in his expression. He wasn’t just simply not hungry. “I thought you liked this. If you don’t, I don’t have to make it anymore.”
“No, I do like it. I’m just not hungry right now.”
“Did you get up to eat something earlier? Kenjirou, we talked about moving around on your own. I don’t want you trying to get up while I’m in the shower unless it’s an emergency. What if you fell and I couldn’t come help you right away?”
“No, I didn’t get up. I’m just. Not. Hungry. I want some time alone right now.”
Yuuji wasn’t about to relent that easily. He had a bit of a stubborn streak of his own from time to time. “Kenjirou, you need to eat something. Keep your strength up.”
Kenjirou’s tone turned snappish. “Why? I’m just laying in this damn bed all the time!”
Yuuji was getting somewhere based on Kenjirou’s increasing anger. “Pardon?”
“I’m not lifting anymore and it’s not like I’ll be trying anything like that any time soon so it’s not like I need the extra calories.”
There it was. Yuuji set his own plate down and put one knee on the edge of the bed to lean down over Kenjirou, feeling the temperature of his forehead, just in case, and looking hard into his eyes.
Kenjirou broke the eye contact first and Yuuji’s suspicions were confirmed. He was feeling self conscious yet again.
Kenjirou could clearly tell that Yuuji knew what he was worried about. “I ate so much the last few days and if I’m not working it all off, it’s just going to get stored and I don’t want to be fat. Fat is even worse than skinny. I’m not going to get fat. No way. So don’t even try to flatter me or try to get me to convince me that ‘good enough is good enough’. I can’t be that way, you know I have standards.”
“I know,” Yuuji said, keeping his voice soft. “I have standards too though. And one of them is that you take care of yourself.” Yuuji could see Kenjirou was on the verge of yelling, so he needed to tread lightly. He pulled the sheet off the bed, revealing Kenjirou’s bare body, changing into real clothes being kept at a need-based minimum lately to avoid any unnecessary movement. Yuuji skimmed his hands over Kenjirou’s thighs, butt, stomach, even his arms, pressing, prodding, and poking, all the while, letting his eyes scan over every square centimeter of Kenjirou, memorizing, taking notes.
“Yuuji, please. I don’t—”
“Kenjirou, this is the body I love. I know it well,” Yuuji interrupted, placing his hands firmly on Kenjirou’s hips and holding eye contact with Kenjirou for a longer period of time. “Babe, you haven’t changed. You’re far from chunky. It’s not going to happen. You’ve tried gaining weight before and it didn’t even work.”
Kenjirou’s gaze was still stone cold. “Hands. Off.”
This wasn’t the reaction Yuuji had been expecting, but he removed his hands from Kenjirou’s pelvis.
Kenjirou forced himself into a sitting position.
Yuuji flinched when he saw the pain flash across Kenjirou’s eyes as his leg spasmed slightly in trying to flex the torn muscle.
“This is my body, Yuuji, not yours. I know you think you know what’s best but maybe that’s not what I want!” Kenjirou swung his legs over the side of the bed and grabbed the crutches propped against the table. “I’m not like you, Yuuji, I don’t have the luxury of... Complacency!” He spat the word and Yuuji took a step back. “So either leave the room or I will!”
“Lay. Down.” Yuuji’s eyes were focused on Kenjirou’s leg, taut and strained from the unnecessary movement.
Kenjirou stayed poised to move until Yuuji picked up one of the two plates of food.
“If you want to heal, you need nutrients. This plate better be empty when I come back in here.”
Yuuji let out the breath he was holding when he’d closed the door behind him. He heard shifting and a soft grunt and knew Kenjirou was at least getting himself back into bed. Strangely enough, the only thought in Yuuji’s head was that he wished he could still be in there, with his arms supporting Kenjirou so he wouldn’t feel as much pain readjusting himself. That was all. Yuuji couldn’t find it in himself to be angry or even afraid, he just wanted to be with Kenjirou right now. Instead he let out a sigh and sat down at the kitchen table by himself, spearing some of his lunch with a fork.
After a few hours, Yuuji softly opened the bedroom door. Kenjirou would’ve calmed down by now and would be willing to talk. Yuuji was a bit surprised to see the plate of food about 3/4 gone. It was a large serving to begin with and Kenjirou had eaten more than Yuuji would’ve expected, even before their tussle.
Kenjirou was quietly snoozing on his side and hadn’t been awakened by the door opening.
Yuuji smiled slightly and inserted himself under the sheet, holding Kenjirou’s leg still so as not to jar it, and conforming his body around Kenjirou’s. He gently probed Kenjirou’s body again. How he could possibly think of himself as fat was beyond Yuuji. He didn’t understand how the ridges of his ribcage standing out against his skin weren’t painful. But as long as Kenjirou wasn’t in any pain, Yuuji was content. Not complacent. He wasn’t settling here. Kenjirou knew that too, it was just something flung out in the heat of the argument. There was no such thing as settling for perfect. Yuuji just wished Kenjirou could see the perfection.
The late afternoon sun was beating in through the window when Yuuji woke up. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep; it was just going to make drifting off harder tonight.
Yuuji opened his eyes all the way to find Kenjirou still next to him, fully awake and running a hand through Yuuji’s hair.
“Good morning.” Kenjirou smirked.
Yuuji stretched lazily. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak in here while you were asleep.”
“No worries. Um, hey, listen. You... You’re right. I need to focus on healing right now and I’m not going to be able to on an empty stomach. Even if I gain a little in process, it’s okay, right?”
Yuuji ran a hand over Kenjirou’s shoulder, smiling softly. “You’re perfect.”
This trend continued for a little over a week. Kenjirou wasn’t eating any more than normal really, but Yuuji was just glad that he was eating in general and seemed to be recovering well.
They did exercises together several times a day, keeping the strength in Kenjirou’s uninjured leg and slowly working the other back to where it used to be. The first few days were spent just bending and straightening the knee. Kenjirou held onto the kitchen chair and grimaced as the damaged muscle was worked. Yuuji made sure to praise him often, keeping optimism present.
Within a week, Kenjirou was done using the crutches to get around. He limped slightly, unable to put the normal amount of pressure on it yet, but the improvement was steady.
Twelve days from the incident, Yuuji went out in the morning for groceries and was immediately ambushed by Kenjirou sprinting from the kitchen.
Yuuji grinned and dropped the bags to catch Kenjirou and hold him up in the air for a second.
“Do you have any more groceries to carry in?” Kenjirou looked outside.
“No, this is all. Thanks though. How’re you feeling?”
Kenjirou tugged his shorts up. The mark was almost faded and he flexed his leg without a problem.
“Hey, nice going!”
Kenjirou swayed slightly and leaned against Yuuji.
“Woah, careful!”
“Sorry,” Kenjirou was still grinning. “Just got up too fast to come meet you.”
Yuuji pulled Kenjirou against him. “Did you eat lunch already?”
“Yeah, sorry, I wanted to wait for you to get home, but I got hungry.”
“No problem. What’d you have? Leftover mac n cheese?”
Kenjirou scoffed. “No. I made myself a sandwich.”
“You made yourself food? Where’s my lazy Kenjirou?”
“Very funny. I do what I gotta do, you know that.”
At dinner, Kenjirou hardly touched anything set in front of him.
“You alright?” Yuuji asked, reaching over to touch Kenjirou’s arm.
Kenjirou startled slightly, looking up from the table. “Oh. Sorry, I don’t feel great, but it’s probably nothing.”
Yuuji immediately stood up from the table to come closer to Kenjirou. “Do you need to rest? C’mon, I’ll carry you to bed.”
Kenjirou smiled but pushed Yuuji away. “I’m fine to walk on my own. Stop worrying so much, I’m better now!”
Yuuji ignored him and kept his hands firmly on Kenjirou’s hips as they walked to the bedroom.
“What hurts?” Yuuji asked when he’d gotten Kenjirou comfortably into bed.
“Ah, just my head,” Kenjirou said. “I’ll be fine in the morning. Are you gonna sleep too?”
“I’ll come back in a few minutes. Don’t wait up for me though, get some rest.”
Kenjirou held Yuuji’s hand for a few seconds. “Okay. Goodnight then.”
Yuuji smiled and kissed the back of Kenjirou’s hand before wishing him a goodnight and leaving the room.
Yuuji stumbled and leaned heavily on the kitchen table, his stomach churning and his mind spinning too fast itself to calm his nausea. This was two full days. Two days and Kenjirou hadn’t eaten more than about three bites of food when Yuuji had been staring him down.
Kenjirou was always saying that Yuuji held all the power in their relationship and pretty much whatever Yuuji said went. In a lot of cases that was true; if Yuuji decided Kenjirou needed some affection, there was little to be done in stopping him. If Yuuji wanted to go somewhere, he usually got his way. And yet when it really mattered, Yuuji felt utterly powerless.
Yuuji felt like hitting something. The table or the wall, anything. But he kept his emotions tied down. Blowing up wasn’t going to help either of them at this point. Yuuji looked at Kenjirou’s untouched plate of food on the table. He felt like running back into the bedroom and doing whatever it’d take to get Kenjirou to eat. He could tie him up, sit on his chest in bed and force it into him no matter how much he didn’t want it.
Yuuji sighed. He could never and would never be able to do something like that. The thought of being that harsh with Kenjirou was another punch in the gut he didn’t need right now. Instead of what he felt like doing, Yuuji put the remainder of dinner into the fridge. He flopped down on the couch, not ready to deal with Kenjirou’s facade of peace should he still be awake. Yuuji wished he could close his eyes and this would be over. He wanted Kenjirou to feel comfortable and safe in this apartment with him. And he wanted Kenjirou to feel comfortable within himself. Yuuji closed his eyes. Maybe when he opened them, things would be back to normal.
It was the absence of warmth beside him that woke Yuuji up. He’d shifted and hadn’t felt Kenjirou’s body right there next to him and that opened his eyes and turned on his brain. It took a second to figure out that he was on the couch and that the kitchen light was still on. Only about two hours had passed and Yuuji was feeling sleep trying to take him.
Instead he stood up, shut off the lights, and slipped into the bedroom. The moonlight brightened the room enough that Yuuji could see where he was going. He knelt on the bed directly over Kenjirou, tugging the blanket off him again. Kenjirou was a deep sleeper, so Yuuji didn’t need to worry much, but he still gazed at his face to make sure he wasn’t disturbed.
Yuuji ran his hands under Kenjirou’s shirt briefly, feeling the pronounced ridge from his stomach to his ribcage, the bones more evident than ever. Yuuji moved down to put his hands on Kenjirou’s leg. The most noticeable differences in Kenjirou’s weight almost always affected him here first. Yuuji found he could circle his hands pinkie to thumb around the top of Kenjirou’s thighs. He had lost a dangerous amount of weight. Yuuji was surprised he still had energy to pretend he was alright. Yuuji should’ve told Kenjirou that the lie wasn’t working. Even if he still couldn’t do anything to snap Kenjirou out of this, at least he wouldn’t be smiling and bouncing around, trying to convince Yuuji that he was eating, that he’d made himself a sandwich for lunch or that he’d gotten up before Yuuji to eat breakfast or that he didn’t want dinner because his head hurt or any of the other lies he’d told in the last two days.
Actually his head hurting probably wasn’t a lie. Yuuji had watched Kenjirou get tired after any sort of movement, get distracted while trying to do anything, get light-headed every time he stood up.
Yuuji clutched Kenjirou against him, feeling bones sticking out in ways they didn’t normally. Yuuji hadn’t been lying to Kenjirou when he had said he could feel any change, no matter how small, in Kenjirou’s physique. He hadn’t gained much of anything from his short period of time doing “diligent exercise”, but he’d lost a lot from the past few days. Yuuji hung on to what he had left. He wouldn’t let any more disappear. He’d say something in the morning.
And yet, when Kenjirou turned down Yuuji’s breakfast offer, Yuuji just nodded and left the room, feeling completely weak in the knees.
Kenjirou followed him out of the bedroom anyway, still acting happy, though it was becoming increasingly clear to Yuuji by Kenjirou’s facial expression that he was having trouble. The shower he took while Yuuji ate breakfast was longer than most he took. Yuuji knew that without watchful eyes on him, Kenjirou’s movements would be slower, more labored. Yuuji caught a glimpse of it as Kenjirou exited the bathroom, leaning slightly on the wall for a few seconds. Every instinct screamed at Yuuji to do something, anything, but he sat still in his fear. It looked like nature was going to make an intervention before he would.
It was only a matter of time, Yuuji knew and what he was managing was keeping a careful eye on Kenjirou. Yuuji never let him get too far away, the proximity between them tightening as Yuuji watched Kenjirou deteriorate.
Kenjirou turned sharply to sit down at the desk to get something done. The motion had been too abrupt and he promptly collapsed. Yuuji was right behind him, catching him almost instantly.
Kenjirou tried pushing him away. “Yuuji, im alright!”
“You’re not, Kenjirou!” It was not at all hard to overpower Kenjirou and Yuuji kept careful hold of him.
“Yuuji, let go of me! I’m fine, I promise!”
Yuuji did exactly what he was told and abruptly released Kenjirou, who immediately sprawled on the floor.
“STOP LYING TO ME!” Yuuji yelled, feeling an angry rush of tears slip past his eyes and run down his face.
Kenjirou weakly stared at him from the floor. “I-I’m sorry...”
“I started making mac n cheese ten minutes ago. You’re going to eat it.” Yuuji didn’t even try putting himself back together. The dam had burst and he wasn’t going to be able to stop his tears until there weren’t any left.
Kenjirou nodded and pulled himself into a sitting position. Yuuji helped him to his feet then picked him up to carry him back to the bedroom. Kenjirou brushed at Yuuji’s face, catching tears as they fell.
“Yuuji, you can stop crying now. I get it.”
Yuuji shook his head. “I can’t. I’m still sad. Have been for three days.”
Kenjirou fell silent as Yuuji put him down on their bed then left again to grab them bowls of mac n cheese. One was significantly more full than the other and Yuuji handed that one to Kenjirou.
“Take it slow, don’t overload your body, but this is all getting eaten.”
Kenjirou nodded, grabbing a spoon and taking a few bites. “Can I say something?”
Yuuji nodded, silent other than the shaky breaths he was taking.
“I was selfish,” Kenjirou started, stirring his food around contemplatively before taking another bite. “I didn’t stop to think that I was making you unhappy. I’ve done this how many times? At least three, right? I was so focused on myself that I didn’t think about you being upset.” Tears were coming to Kenjirou’s eyes now as well.
“This isn’t about me!” Yuuji choked. “I’m only unhappy because you’re unhappy! Don’t worry about me!”
“Will you just shut up and let yourself be my reason to stop this!?”
Yuuji froze.
“You can tell me you love me and that I’ve always been good enough for you but there’s never been a reason for me not to try changing myself this way. Yuuji, I’ve never seen you cry before now and I never want to see it again. Let that be my reason to stop this!”
“I want loving and accepting yourself to be the reason you stop this!”
“You’ll never get me to accept myself before the next time I start hating myself and trying to change myself. But seeing you like this makes me never want this to happen again. With that out of the way, you might have some success convincing me.”
Yuuji’s tears started slowing as he understood. “Kenjirou. Don’t ever do this again or it’ll kill me.”
Kenjirou sobbed. “I promise.”
Yuuji would’ve tackled him to the bed to hug him except they were both still holding mostly-full bowls of mac n cheese.
Kenjirou choked out a laugh. “Look at us. Crying like girls, what’s wrong with us?”
Yuuji cracked a smile and dug out a spoonful of mac n cheese and poked it into Kenjirou’s mouth.
“Hey,” Kenjirou said around the mouthful, “I’ve got my own massive bowl of this. Don’t start giving me yours too.”
Yuuji grinned. “You should have all of mine. You need it.”
Kenjirou opened his mouth and Yuuji stuck another bite in.
A couple noodles missed and fell out of Kenjirou’s mouth, making him giggle. “I’m such a slob. How’d you get stuck settling with me?”
Yuuji narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t settle, Kenjirou. You’re perfect.”
Kenjirou’s eyes were shining. “I’m not—”
“ You are. ” Yuuji leaned forward and kissed him hard. They separated slightly and Yuuji whispered against Kenjirou’s lips. “If I settled for you, then I settled for perfect.”