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TG: okay so there i was pants around my ankles and polishing my katana hilt
TG: if you know what i mean
EB: dave, tmi.
TG: and i look up above the monitor for a second and
EB: you can’t just start a conversation like that. i mean, what if my dad was standing right behind me? what if, dave. what if.
TG: there
TG: he
TG: is
TG: lil cal is right there and hes looking straight at me and its like his beady gimlet eyes are staring straight into my soul
EB: oh my god, why are you telling me this.
EB: stop telling me this.
TG: im serious he was looking straight at me
TG: i think he winked
TG: hey jade can i bare my soul to you here
GG: are you going to start talking about that puppet again??? because if you are, i’m blocking you
GG: hes so creepy ): ): ):
TG: dude
TG: no
TG: lil cal is cool
TG: so idk it was just like the singular most bizarre experience of my life
TG: and that includes the time i went to ikea and the fridges didnt have any swords in tem
TT: Hmm.
TT: Your brother has been taping his puppet porn videos since you were a child. Could it be that you’re trying to model your own relationships after what you saw as his?
TG: oh my god
TG: rose
TG: no
TG: i dont even know why i tell you things anymore
TG: guess what jade
GG: what?
TG: macaulay culkin better move the fuck over cause guess whos home alone
GG: is it you? :O
TG: first thing im gonna do is throw a party
TG: hookers
TG: blow
TG: aw hell im feeling adventurous lets do hookers and blow
GG: sooooo coooooooooooool
EB: hey, dave. what are you doing right now?
TG: eating doritos and watching pokemon.
TG: ive been staring at the tv so long everything that’s not ash ketchum and his bestiality buddies is kinda blurry now
TG: wait ive told you about my pokemon bestiality theory right
EB: i was trying to forget you did.
TG: anyway its weird theres this orange spot on my right that wont go away
TG: wait
TG: no
TG: thats not orange
TG: the lights on
TG: jade i think someone broke into my house
TG: obviously im not in any danger but if i kill him and have to go to prison
TG: like juvie with no internet
TG: juvie like its 1999
TG: wait no i think they had internet in 1999
TG: anyway ok if i have to go to 70s juvie please finish all my songs thats it goodbye
TG: rose before i go i just want you to know
TG: you were basically wrong about everything
TT: Ah, I was wondering when you’d get around to contacting me.
TG: fuck you im in a crisis situation here
TT: I know. John has been keeping me apprised of your circumstances.
TG: ugh why do people keep telling you things
TT: A pact made with the Darkest Gods as a callow youth, my hands glowing with unearthly luminescence and my wands stained with the brackish blood of young children and small animals.
TT: Anyway. The lights are on in your brother's room, you are tolerably sure that you didn't turn them on, and he won't be back until Tuesday. What are you going to do?
TG: im going in
TG: ive got my sword
TG: im in the hallway
TG: im next to the door
TG: my hands on the doorknob
DAVE: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
TG: fucking cal
TG: he was sitting in bros chair and when i opened the door it turned around and it turned around and he smiled the fucker smiled
TG: i hate that thing so much
TG: please tell me im just dreaming
EB: you're not dreaming, dave.
TG: well fuck
EB: lol!
TG: uh yeah okay im fine it was just cal
TG: i think hes alive is there like a science explanation for that
TG: or like a science explanation of how to kill him
TG: ugh are you asleep again
TG: whatever tell me in the morning okay
TG: i have the weirdest boner right now
TT: Told you so.
TG: fml