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When Luca woke up it felt like there were a ton of bricks sitting on his chest.
“Fuck”, he thought, knowing that today was going to be a bad day.
Taking a shaky breath in, he sat up on his bed.
He continued to slowly breath, but it doing no good.
“No.” He said to himself, “we do NOT have time for a panic attack this morning, suck it up and deal with it later”.
And with that, he was up and getting ready for practice
________________________________________________
Luca had always struggled with his anxiety.
He had his first panic attack at 8, and they just never stopped.
However, these past few months his anxiety seemed to be getting worse, and recently, he’d been having panic attacks almost daily, sometimes more than once a day.
Somehow he managed to hide this from his team, he didn’t want anyone thinking he wasn’t up for the job, that he wasn’t ready for the big leagues, because that’s all he ever wanted to do: play hockey for the NHL, and he wasn’t about to let his anxiety get in the way of that.
So he kept his secret, and he dealt with it on his own.
By the time Luca arrived to the rink his hands had a slight shake to them, he wasn’t sure when it had started, but he did know that it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon.
Luca made his way to the locker room to get ready for practice.
He had made a plan on his drive, he decided to bring his biggest pair of headphones and put them on, hoping that the others would get the message and leave him alone.
When he pushed his way through the door into the locker room, the noise immediately hit him.
His chest got tighter, his hands started shaking more, but yet again, he shoved it all down.
He threw on his headphones, but decided against playing any music, hoping that the silence would help his brain get a grip.
He was almost done lacing his laces, a nearly impossible task with the way his hands were shaking, when a tap on his shoulder nearly sent him to the after life.
He whipped his head around and saw Wyatt standing to his left, looking at him with some level of concern.
'Stupid goalie eyes' thought Luca.
“Hey kid, you ok?” Asked Wyatt
“Yeah, yup, all good!” Luca answered as he pulled off his headphones.
Wyatt didn’t look convinced, but thankfully, he let it go.
“Ok rook, lemme know if you need anything yeah?”
“Yeah, ok, thanks.”
Luca put his headphones back on, enjoying the way it muffled the chaotic noises of the locker room, then he took a deep breath and continued to tie his skates.
_____________________________________________________
As soon as Luca stepped on the Ice, he instantly felt better.
The tightness in his chest hadn’t fully gone away, but the shake in his hands was reduced as he held his stick and began to skate a few laps to warm up.
Practice was difficult, Ilya, their captain, had decided to kill them all today and pushed them really hard.
Normally, Luca would enjoy the extra push. He loved the way his legs would burn and how his whole body hurt, it proved to him that he did something, that he accomplished something, but today, it only seemed to make it harder and harder to breath.
His legs didn’t burn, or maybe they did, but Luca couldn’t feel them.
He couldn’t catch his breath like he normally would, and his hands were starting to shake again.
They were nearing the end of practice, and Luca was so fucking ready to get off the ice.
He knew he probably wouldn’t make it home, but he hoped that he would at least make it to his car before his lungs decided to betray him.
“Ok guys!” Said Ilya
'Oh no, this can’t be good' Luca thought
“You all getting lazy and tired during games” Ilya continued “so, we need to work on- ah what is word-“
He turned to his alternate captain, who was also his husband, Shane Hollander, and said something in Russian.
“Endurance” Shane supplied
“Yes! We need to work on that. So now you all tired from practice, is time to do suicides!”
All the guys let out a collective groan, including Luca, but they also all made their way to the line to start.
“Ah ah ah, don’t you ughhh me!” Ilya exclaimed as he started making his way to the line with them.
Luca ended up between Ilya and Shane for the suicides.
All was going fine and dandy until they got to the fifth one.
Luca was good at managing his breathing during games.
He had been working on his breath control since he was young, but today none of his tricks seemed to work.
After every round, it’s like his lungs were caught in overdrive.
He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know what was happening, his hands were tingling and his vision was getting spotty.
He was having a panic attack.
On the ice.
In front of his teammates and role models.
Fuck fuck fuck SHIT! Breath, Luca! Just fucking breathe.
Everyone on the ice was breathing hard, so no one noticed at first, but as the next round started, Luca couldn’t get his legs to move, it was like he was frozen in place.
Ilya and Shane, being right next to him, noticed immediately and started making their way back.
“Luca come on! You can do it! We all have to too!”Ilya shouted, not realizing the situation.
He wasn’t frustrated, Luca didn’t think, just joking, right?
Fuck oh his he made his captain mad, oh god he was going to kick him off the team and he was going to go back and he would never be able to play hockey ever again and everyone was going to hate him
and-
“Luca?”
That was Shane, luca recognized his voice
“EVERYONE OFF THE ICE! PRACTICE IS OVER” Ilya yelled, still looking at Luca, his gaze growing increasingly more worried.
Before he could realize what he was doing Luca was making his way back to the locker room, or well, skating as fast as he could to the tunnel.
“Luca! Wait! Luca!” Shane shouted, he and Ilya skating after him.
He entered the locker room, went straight to his cubby and pulled off as much gear as he could in his state.
As Luca was clawing at his chest pads, desperate to get more air, the door flew open, and Young, LaPointe, Bood, Dykstra, Wyatt, Ilya, and Shane all walked in.
Luca barely registered it.
His vision was getting worse, he was getting dizzy, and- oh shit, what he crying?
That had never happened before.
He didn’t even realize that Wyatt, Shane, and Ilya had made their way over to him until he felt Wyatt’s hands helping him remove his padding.
As soon as it was over his head Luca dropped to the floor, back against the bench, knees pulled to his chest, head between his knees.
Someone was rubbing circles on his back, someone, was holding his hand, someone had dimmed the lights, and someone else had brought his water and a Kleenex over.
Luca didn’t really register any of it, he was just focused on breathing normally.
With his free hand he was tracing a square on the floor, breathing in for 6, holding for 6, out for 6, hold for 6, and repeat.
It took some time, how much, Luca didn’t know, but eventually his breathing slowed, his arms and face were getting some feeling back, and his eyes were clearing up.
When he finally felt like he could life his head without passing out he saw 6 eyes all turned towards him, Shane’s, Ilya’s, and Wyatt’s.
He looked around, seeing the rest of his team was undressing and changing, minding their own business, but still stealing glances towards Luca to make sure he was ok.
Luca had never loved his team more than in that moment.
“Luca, hey bud, you back with us?” Asked Shane
“Yeah,” Luca answered “sorry about that, you weren’t meant to see that, I thought I would be able to hold it back until I got in my car”
“ No apologies” said Ilya “you can not control”
“I mean-“ Luca started
“No” Ilya said, using his captain voice.
“Does this happen often?” That was Wyatt.
“Uhh, yeah kinda.”
The three looked at Luca expectedly.
“I mean, yes. Usually it isn’t this bad thought” Luca continued.
“How often?” Ilya asked, softer this time.
“Uhh, I don’t really know, at least twice a week maybe?” That was close enough to the truth, right?
The three older men shared a glance that Luca was too tired to try ti decode.
“Why have you never told anyone before? One of us?” Shane asked
Luca simply shrugged.
He didn’t want them to know the real reason.
He didn’t want them to know what his father used to do.
He just wanted them to let this go.
“Ok, is Ok. You do not have to tell.” Ilya said, voice softer than Luca had ever heard before, “But, you will come home with Shanya and me. Or Wyatt. But you do not go home alone today.”
“No no, it’s okay, ill be fine I-” Luca started to protest
“Ah ah, no arguing Haasy. We want to keep an eye on you, just for tonight, ok?” Wyatt interrupted.
“..ok.” Luca answered softly, “I’ll go with Wyatt.”
As Luca showered and changed, he realised that maybe, just maybe, he would be okay here. No one would hurt him, and he had people that cared, so maybe, he could start letting them in.