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Well. This isn’t how he planned his night to go. On the floor, on his ass, staring up at his beautiful, wonderful, shirtless, and extremely pissed husband. Shit.
He can feel his cheeks heating up more and more the longer Suguru stares down at him, phone flashlight aimed at the ground. It gives just enough light to illuminate his pinched face and furrowed brows. Not that Satoru needs that light to see in the dark of their home, of course. Six Eyes makes it immensely clear just how angry his husband is. It may or may not be warranted. Satoru will neither confirm nor deny.
Sitting there, legs splayed out, leaning back on his palms, Satoru kind of feels like a puppy that just pissed all over the carpet. Suguru is so clearly biting back his fury, and Satoru can almost feel his hands shake from here. What makes it worse is that neither of them have said anything. This would be so much better if Suguru just said something. Maybe cursed him out. Anything but scowling at Satoru’s pitiful form, stuck in the middle of the living room.
“...Uh-” Satoru clears his throat, “...Hey…”
"Satoru." Suguru deadpans, continuing to just stare down at him. Despite the anger, he’s still careful to keep the light out of Satoru’s sensitive eyes.
Satoru pushes his pout out more in the vain hope of softening the inevitable blow. He doesn't say anything. Any word out of his mouth right now is just going to land him in a deeper pile of shit.
"What did I tell you?" Suguru continues when Satoru (wisely) says nothing. His tone is low. Warning. If Satoru weren’t so embarrassed, it’d probably be doing it for him.
Ah, who is he kidding? It’s absolutely doing something for him.
"...To wake you up if I needed anything."
"And what did you do?"
Satoru decides to pout bigger. His lip may as well be in a different timezone, his eyebrows pinched as he averts his gaze, "Let you sleep."
"Satoru." Suguru's voice takes on a deeper, dangerous warning tone.
Satoru groans and flops onto his back, spread eagle on the floor, "I got up! I got up and almost fell down the stairs but I didn't. So. Shut up. I just wanted to get water."
"Liar." Suguru steps over him. With one foot on either side of his hips, he bends at the waist just to lean down closer and scowl, "We have a bathroom in our room."
"The water from that sink tastes weird."
"I have watched you guzzle water from that sink after two shots and violent vomiting."
"A desperate man should not be judged for his actions!" Satoru cries, throwing his arms up for emphasis.
Suguru’s scowl holds just a moment longer before his expression crumples into neutrality with a tired sigh. He stands straight, stepping to Satoru's head. He sits next to him, warm hands gently maneuvering his husband until Satoru is laying his head in his lap. Suguru runs his fingers through his hair, lightly itching his scalp, "Alright. Tell me what's actually happening. What's got you out of bed?"
He….does not want to answer this. Just the thought makes his ears heat up. Satoru instead shuts his eyes and lets Suguru pet his hair. He lets himself relax in the cozy dark of their home, safe together in the middle of the night. Suguru does not interrupt. He knows silence drives Satoru fucking crazy, and as always, it pays off.
It takes less than a minute for Satoru to cave. The discomfort of the silence is just too much. He groans, squirming until he's comfortable again. He opens his eyes, and Suguru appreciates the soft blue glow, "...I just…wanted to get up. At first, it was to the bathroom, which you let me do normally, so don't even get mad. But then I wanted water.” He pauses.
“...And I wanted to see if...y'know. How far I could get. I thought the stairs would be fine.” At Suguru’s concerned look, Satoru hastily adds, “I slid down on my ass after the first few, so there really wasn't any worry of me falling. Don’t worry. I did get water, by the way."
Suguru still says nothing, just letting Satoru speak. Satoru's body goes slack over the hair pets, which just makes it so much easier to just. Talk. Like this. In the safety of the dark. "Then I realized one of the windows were open a little bit. The air felt nice." He gestures to the nearest window, which is still open by a couple inches, "I wanted to shut it and tripped on the rug. I couldn't get back up. Figured I'd probably be sitting here until morning, but then Mimiko came out, saw me, and went to wake you up. So. Now we're here."
The silence stretches between them. This time, though, it's not as painful for Satoru. Getting that off his chest helped, and bit by bit he can feel the flush in his face retreating. He lets the silence, and Suguru’s cultivation of it, slide for about thirty whole seconds before he's looking up at his husband. He glares when he sees that stupid, fond little smile with his Eyes, "Oi. Asshole. Stop laughing at me and help me get to bed."
Suguru cannot help but laugh and shakes his head, pushing Satoru's hand away when he goes to smack at his face much like an annoyed cat. Suguru's smile only widens as he leans down to kiss Satoru on the lips, "Do you want to go sit on the porch for a little while instead? It's nice out."
"I..." Satoru pauses. Thinks. Then, he nods, "...I'd like that. Yeah. Carry me?" He holds his arms up, not moving to lift himself off the floor or Suguru’s lap otherwise. Just to complete the visual, Satoru flutters his lashes, blinking innocently at his beloved.
"Always, you big baby." Suguru kisses him again before shifting to scoop, "Up you go," Then they're up. Satoru held comfortably in Suguru's arms, head on his bare shoulder. Suguru takes them out the front door, settling on the edge of their porch to just enjoy the night a little bit.
It really was a wonderful night. Being late summer, the air is still warm from the light of the sun, with a pleasant breeze blowing through the trees around their home. The sky was perfectly clear, the stars twinkling far above.
Satoru will be the first to admit that he starts dozing. Just a little. Can you really blame him? He spent so long just sitting on the floor, failing to pull himself to his feet. It might have been hours! Even Satoru Gojo gets tired. Especially these days. He only knows he started to doze because when Suguru starts to speak, the vibrations and sudden sound jolt Satoru awake, "...Can you be okay with depending on me?"
That throws him for a bit of a loop. Satoru sits up, still cozied up on Suguru's lap, hand pressed to his chest to feel his husband’s heartbeat, "What do you mean? Isn't that what I'm already doing?"
"Well-" Suguru tilts his head back, looking up at the stars, "Yes and no. You...you're doing this weird little middle ground thing. You depend on me because you have to, but if you don't think you have to, you act a little like I don't exist."
Satoru blinks, sputtering in a mixture of offense and surprise, "I do not-"
"You absolutely do." Suguru says it with such surety. It makes Satoru’s blood boil.
"I just didn't want to wake you up! I'm not acting like you don't exist!" He’s decided that he takes full offense to that, actually!
"Ah- okay. Maybe I could have chosen my words better." Suguru tilts his head towards Satoru again, bumping his forehead with his own, "But you know what I mean. I want you to be okay with depending on me, Satoru. Even when you don't have to. It's okay."
"no I- I mean-” Satoru groans, the fight draining out of him, “I know. I know it's okay to depend on you. That isn't-" He sighs, his shoulders slumping. "That's not what this is about."
"Then what is it about?"
"It's just...about me. About me being...like this. Weak.” The word feels a little like acid on his lips. “Helpless.” That one is even worse. “I can't stand it." He flops his head back against Suguru's shoulder and shuts his eyes, brows pinched, "I just wanted to do a couple things. I wasn't even up for that long."
"No, but you were down for an hour or two, I'm sure."
"No! Well-” He considers and then scoffs, “No. No, it definitely wasn't that long. It was a while, though, I'll- I'll concede on that. It was a while." He sighs, pausing, and wraps his arms around Suguru's neck, "It's not that I have any specific objection to depending on you. I just...want to do it myself."
"Well, Satoru, that sounds a lot like you're not okay with depending on me. Just said in a lot more words." Suguru says it like a smartass and Satoru wants to throttle him.
"You're so bad at listening to the words I say, you know that?"
"I'm much better at hearing what you tiptoe around, yes." Suguru grins.
"Smug prick."
"Spoiled brat."
Satoru groans, suddenly leaning his whole weight back and making Suguru yelp in surprise as he jolts to stop Satoru from falling entirely. Satoru takes great joy in making Suguru hold his entire weight. He double enjoys pressing himself back against the arm at his shoulders to see just how much Suguru is willing to put up with.
"I will drop you, and I will take my time in calling Shoko to fix your concussion."
Pouting, Satoru stops pushing back. A little. "Mean."
"Stubborn. Listen," Suguru flicks Satoru's forehead with his other hand before it returns to its place rubbing up and down his thigh. A comforting touch. "I understand that you think there's a difference. And there might be one. At the end of the day though, it doesn't matter, because you still need to depend on me more."
"I don't want you doing everything for me. How the fuck am I supposed to get better if you're doing that? Huh?"
"I'm not saying to make me wait on you hand and foot, Satoru." Suguru takes a deep breath and lets it out slow to cool his frustration. He takes his hand from Satoru’s thigh, and pushes his thumb into his forehead as his eyes lift back to the stars.
"I'm saying...let me do this." He squeezes Satoru's shoulder, still holding him up, "If you don't want me to get you a glass of water, then fine. At least help me get you to the kitchen. Let me help you close the window. I'm not telling you to let me do everything for you, I'm asking you to let me be your support. Please."
Satoru goes still, looking at Suguru. The sincerity in his face and his voice makes his heart lurch and his chest feel tight. Satoru stops pressing back entirely, though still rests against Suguru's arm, "...Suguru..."
"Please. I'm...Satoru,” Suguru squeezes his eyes shut, voice starting to shake, “I'm tired of worrying that I'll find you at the bottom of the stairs. I'm tired of waking up, finding you trying to sneak out like I'm an overprotective parent. I'm not your warden."
"Feels like it sometimes..." Satoru gripes.
"Because you make yourself a prisoner!" He pokes his thumb harder against his forehead, trying to smooth the furrow of his brows, "We're partners. I'm not your boss, I'm your husband. I'm not keeping you captive here, but you're making it really hard to give you any leeway. I give an inch, you take a mile. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is handcuff you to the bed- stop it."
Satoru snrks and stops waggling his eyebrows, grinning softly as he sits himself up to instead flop back against Suguru's chest, "Sorry, sorry. Continue, warden."
"Ahaha. What a comedian." Suguru deadpans. Satoru gets another flick to the forehead before Suguru is wrapping his arms around his middle. He nuzzles their heads together and kisses his cheek real gently. "Let me help you. For real. Not just when you need it. Not just when you have to. Let me help you all the time. Let me help you get a glass of water in the middle of the night. Let me help you get to campus so you can limp your way around and critique all of our students. Work with me, Satoru. Not against me."
Satoru's smile fades, just a bit. It’s not quite a frown, but it’s not an upward tilt either. He averts his gaze, slim fingers tracing little shapes against Suguru's bare chest, "It's...hard. It's hard not being able to do those things."
"It is hard." Suguru nods, "And I know it's not making it easier when I help you. It just makes it hard in a different way. I love you, Satoru. You're my husband. I chose to marry you. Every day I choose you. Again and again. I hate watching you tear yourself apart, thinking that I don't want to help you. I do. I want to help you. I don't know how to get that through your thick skull."
Satoru takes a shaking breath and lets it out slow, "I'm not used to it," His voice is just above a whisper, "I'm not used to this. Used to needing anyone. Not like this. I've always needed you. I'll always need you. But not like this." He licks his lips, hesitating a beat before continuing.
"I don't know how to ask for help with getting water. It shouldn't...it shouldn't be hard. But it- it is." His voice cracks. "It's hard. How stupid is that?" Satoru swallows, "I didn't want to wake you up. I didn't want to bother you with something so trivial. I didn't want you to see that I- that I can't-" He sucks in a sharp breath. Suguru presses a cheek to the top of Satoru's head, silent.
"You already do so much.” Satoru’s voice trembles, “It's not fair to ask you to do more when I don't need it. When I could go without, or- or when I don't even have to be doing the thing anyway."
"You know who you sound like, Satoru?" Suguru’s voice is soft. Steady and gentle. It makes Satoru's breath shudder and hitch in his chest. "You sound like me. A lot like me.
"We can always depend on each other," He continues, still steady, "I didn't want to rely on you either, back then."
"That's not- That isn't the same thing." Satoru’s argument sounds weak, even to his own ears.
"No, it's not. But it's similar. You had so many new responsibilities. I didn't want to be one of them. I didn't want to distract you, or worry you, or be another problem for you to solve. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I should have come to you sooner. We both know that. Don't let this reach a point where hindsight is all we have left.
"Let me be your rock, Satoru." Suguru presses their foreheads together. "Let me support you. together. We're in this together. I'm not letting you get lost in this mess. I’m not going to let you suffer alone."
Satoru simply cannot help his hiccup. He cannot help the way his lungs spasm as tears well up and drip from his lashes, "...Okay." He rasps, "Okay. I'm sorry."
Suguru shushes him, soft, tender, and kisses his forehead, "Don't apologize. You don't need to. I know it's hard. I know this sucks, but it sucks a little less together, doesn't it?"
It's all Satoru can do to nod, his lip quivering. He hates this. He hates feeling weak. He hates feeling like he needs to rely on anyone else to do something. It's not how he's wired. It’s not how his life had been for twenty-nine years. For his whole life, up until recently, he's the one people relied on. He's the one they look to when they need help. He's never been the one to look to someone else. Now he has to be. How does he navigate that? How does he handle that? It should be so easy, letting Suguru take care of him, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He can try, though. He has to try, even if it makes his skin crawl. Even if it makes his bones itch to rely on anyone.
Suguru's lips trail down his forehead, down the bridge of his nose, and across his cheeks. He kisses away the tears there and kisses down to Satoru's trembling lips. "It's late, Satoru.” His voice is barely above a whisper, “Let's go back to bed."
At his husband's nod, Suguru tightens his grip on Satoru and carries him back inside. Back up the stairs. Back to their bed where they can curl up against each other. Where Satoru can cling to Suguru and cry, and Suguru can pretend he isn’t doing the exact same thing. And there, they can fall asleep, safe and comfortable in each other’s arms, together in the precious dark.