Chapter Text
Logan was not made to experience emotions, he knows this to be correct because he is an embodiment of Thomas' logical thinking, ergo there is no reason why he would manifest with the capacity for any amount of human feelings. Logan is certain this is the case, and Logan does not frequently make mistakes (though he is not accurately able to claim that he's never made a mistake, he will never forget that day).
The nature of Logan's existence as a metaphysical human who represents an aspect of Thomas' personality means that it would be inefficient and irrational if he was capable of experiencing the complete range of human emotions.
And yet, Logan has repeatedly observed some sort of feeling — a sensation which he has identified to be anger. Upon this recognition, Logan endeavoured to research the unfamiliar emotion in order to discover why he has begun to experience it and the most effective way to get rid of it — which of course always happens to also be the most healthy way. Unfortunately, as he had admittedly anticipated, there is no easy method to dispelling human-esque feelings. Furthermore, he discovered that in some situations it can even be detrimental to attempt to discern the cause of anger, and it is better to accept that one is experiencing the emotion without concern as to why.
This discovery was frustrating by itself, as Logan finds it necessary to understand why anything out of the ordinary occurs, alas. Besides, he is much more intent on reducing the effect of the emotion rather than understanding it in its entirety. His research also provided some suggestions which included alerting those around him to his anger, which he is unable to do. The most common of the suggestions was to remove himself from the situation whenever he felt his metaphysical blood begin to figuratively boil, a technique he is hesitant to implement as he would much prefer to avoid drawing unnecessary attention to him via sudden and unexplained absences.
Techniques for actually managing anger once he was alone were significantly more applicable to him, predictably, many of them were comparable to the methods he taught to Virgil for moment his anxiety became overwhelming. He would be required to test these various methods however, as emotions and reducing their impact is not an objective science. Humans are all very different from each other and the efficacy of these techniques may vary between person. It is for this reason that he prefers to remain far away from any discussion of feelings, it.
His research and newfound coping strategies should have made the issue easier to manage, perhaps even reduced the frequency at which he had to endure the sentiment, on the contrary, he has found that he has needed to self-regulate an approximate average of 2.3 times per week over the course of 3 weeks. He has determined this through documenting each instance and identifying the cause in a strictly objective and informative manner — save for the singular time he didn't quite leave enough time to calm down and merely wrote "ROMAN" in large capitals and underlined the word twice for emphasis — typically he ensured he had given himself enough time between the aggravating instance and documenting his findings to prevent going against the suggestions his research made, including allowing himself to experience anger without getting caught up on identifying a cause.
Looking over his data, he has concluded that his anger primarily stems from being ignored, both by the other Sides and by Thomas himself. Logan did not desire for his experiment to include external variables he cannot account for nor control however he is — as aforementioned — unable to control that.
Tangentially, Logan is surprised by the number of documented instances his arguments have been partially to entirely disregarded, if he had been asked to form a hypothesis prior to noticing this pattern he would have predicted his points were considered far more than his data suggests. He is Thomas' logic, he thought his voice was valued highly by the others. He must be.
In order to disprove the trend suggested in his data, Logan devises a second experiment: he will alter the way he approaches sharing his facts, he will oppose the popular position regardless of his personal stance or what the most convincing relevant facts he knows are, purely for the sake of discovering if his contrarian approach will be dismissed or considered. He will document to what degree his points are acknowledged and the impact he has on the overall conclusion. He will also include any time a Side or Thomas commends a point he makes, for example, telling him he made a "good point", even if the comment is made in passing. With this, he will collect the evidence in order to confirm that his hypothesis is accurate — he is listened to.
«—»
His sample size is too small, if he wanted to be as accurate as possible he would repeat the experiment significantly more times.
Currently, though, Logan doesn't believe he can continue the tests in an unbiased manner. He has only barely managed to contain the emotion that is figuratively attempting to burst out of his chest. He cannot keep going with this. He would not be able to tolerate more evidence that supports the undesired outcome.
Three unrelated dilemmas. Every single one he was almost entirely disregarded! Just now, he was even accused of being Janus in disguise. Their adamant belief in that claim only relinquished when he showed up in the metaphysical flesh, sensing there was discussion including his name. Logan had displayed outstanding levels of self-restraint in standing by while Janus laughed at them all; while the others sheepishly apologised for their mistake.
The moment Logan retreated to his room he allowed an unrestrained yell to escape him, before taking a long, deep inhale through his nose, holding the air in his lungs and slowly exhaling through his mouth. He repeated the exercise multiple times, pacing the length of his room. When the anger doesn't quell, he picks up the Rubik's cube from his desk. With a snap of his fingers the colours are randomly shuffled. He approaches the puzzle slowly — he knows how quickly he could solve it, but the end goal isn't the point of this technique — he pays close attention to the feeling of the cool plastic beneath his fingers, observing the sound it makes as he rotates each edge, allowing himself to become fully absorbed in the methodological process.
This technique proves significantly more effective, by the time all sides each show uniform grids of colour his mind is considerably clearer; his anger abated.
Until he sets the puzzle down on his desk, catching sight of his data neatly laid out before him. He yells yet again, his frustration returning with equal intensity.
Logan isn't supposed to feel things. This isn't supposed to happen to him. He isn't supposed to be angry. He considers the possibility that this is why he's being ignored. Perhaps the others have picked up on him being different. Perhaps they've realised that there is something fundamentally incorrect within him. Perhaps they have deemed him faulty.
No, he isn't faulty. None of his other functions have been impeded by this disturbance, he is just as accurate, and his judgement just as precise as it has always been. The others do not think that about him. He can prove it. He'll perform another experiment, he'll alter his process and his conclusion will be different. It will be different. He'll implement a method of contributing he has only used once before, a method not so brazen. This time he'll remain more neutral, offer facts that are applicable to each side of the argument.
This will be different.
«—»
Only two instances have occurred during which he's able to collect data for this experiment and he is already unwilling to continue. He is frustrated and he would much prefer to cut off his trials here and return to the conversation in his typical manner.
Though, as his tests have exhibited, he doesn't get much recognition then either — but at least they make it appear they are listening, they don't physically skip over or talk during his points (the majority of the time).
Despite his reluctance, he will not accept a measly two dilemma-fuelled discussions as sufficient data from which to draw a conclusion. So he must continue, despite his grievances, and despite this new emotion that he is beginning to encounter — which he does not have the time to understand in the current moment.
«—»
Logan doesn't like being wrong. He doesn't appreciate having to add another figurative strike to his only recently imperfect record.
After completing his experiment, and reviewing the data and summarising it into a rational conclusion, he has had the time necessary to figuratively unpack the new emotion. This time it took a significant amount of internal reflection, a process he has learned he thoroughly dislikes. He has determined that he is experiencing low self-worth due to the conclusions he has drawn from his experiments. He has a fundamental belief that his value as a person — or more accurately, as an aspect of Thomas' personality — is intrinsically linked to his ability to effectively and helpfully contribute to discussions surrounding difficulties Thomas has been attempting to solve in his life. He had initialling considered if this was a resultant effect from Thomas experiencing a similar emotion, however he has confirmed that Thomas is not feeling anything out of the ordinary in the self-worth regard. Which verifies that is it Logan exclusively feeling this way.
Naturally his next step was how to solve it, as easy as it would be to simply claim he believes that he is worthy of appreciation regardless of his intellectual ability or usefulness — he doesn't believe that. Why would he? As Thomas' Logic his entire purpose is to find ways in which he can improve Thomas' efficiency and quality of life. It would only be arrogant for him to believe he deserves appreciation when he cannot even perform his most basic of functions.
Now, Logan is aware that humans have an innate need for societal acceptance and approval from their peers and for that reason every human is deserving of that just the same as every human is deserving of food and shelter. However Logan is not human, and just as he does not require sustenance to survive, he does not innately need nor deserve the respect of his peers when he is underperforming.
Clearly, his issue required more research to fix. He attempted to indulge in things he is good at, a technique used to remind oneself of their strengths and boost confidence, Logan is good at puzzles and problem solving and he is aware of this, so he gave himself an afternoon to indulge in these things he is exceptional at yet he could not dismiss the notion that his skills are pointless if they do not assist Thomas.
Another recommendation was to challenge cognitive distortions when they appeared, a term Logan was familiar with from his research in assisting Virgil, so when figuratively confronted with a negative thought he did attempt to dissect it, and examine if it was fact or distortion. He determined it was a fact, he does not think irrationally and therefore all of his thoughts are objective facts, he does not experience cognitive distortions. His skills are meaningless if he cannot use them to better Thomas' life.
None of the recommendations were entirely applicable to him, that or plainly ineffective. Logan does know that he is important, he is a representation of Thomas' logical thinking, ergo he is vital to Thomas' functioning.
Logan has been questioning whether that statement is the objective truth he once thought it was. It appears that he has been questioning a multitude of statements he once deemed objective fact recently.
He is needed. He has to be needed.
Logan contrives one last experiment. He won't contribute in any form, he won't show up unless summoned, he won't participate in any dilemmas until he is called upon — he is certain they will call upon him.
«—»
Logan isn't angry anymore, he finds.
He would have expected that would be a positive advancement, that he would be relieved the troublesome emotion had finally vanished. Instead the anger didn't simply vanish, it was replaced, and he is left only with exhaustion.
Logan is tired.
It is nothing regarding Thomas either, he has been sleeping exceptionally well lately and not experiencing any more tiredness than on average. In fact, Thomas has been generally feeling remarkably content recently. Which is a good thing, by all standards — except he is doing so without Logan's input. With his many experiments he has been less and less present in Thomas' decision making, which he would have predicted would have led to more risk taking and less productivity and yet it seems Thomas has only been doing better in his absence.
The final experiment was never completed, he never reached a conclusion, he undermined his test because they never called on him. He included himself in a conversation of his own accord, contributing his own facts and opinions that ultimately had zero effect on the outcome of the dilemma. After that he had expected to be angry. He had been prepared with his figurative arsenal of self-soothing techniques for the overwhelming rage he had anticipated. Instead he was just met with this fatigue.
Perhaps he is just too impatient for that type of experiment.
Perhaps they would never summon him.
Perhaps they don't need him.
The evidence suggests — as much as Logan's bias makes it challenging to admit — that Thomas' wellbeing and quality of life improve when Logan... doesn't contribute.
That can't be correct. He looks over his data again, reviews the notes he took over the course of each trial, reads through all the conclusions he wrote out for each experiment. Then, he reviews how Thomas' life has changed, how it has only improved since the beginning of Logan's tests. It was on an upward trajectory before, but there has been some spikes since the experiments began. His initial assessment was correct. Thomas is better off without his input.
Logan has never wanted to be wrong before.
«—»
Logan spends an entire day mulling over his decision. He reviews the facts, his data, his conclusions — everything. He checks it and double checks it and triple checks it and checks it once more for good measure to ensure he is not making a mistake. It would be an egregious mistake to make. In all honesty, Logan knows this is the correct decision, he is just scared. Another shameful emotion he was never supposed to feel.
Once, he recalls, Virgil attempted to 'duck out' as he had called it — to entirely remove himself from Thomas' mind — but due to being so integral to Thomas, his absence was noticed almost immediately and the situation was swiftly rectified.
So Logan considers this a calculated risk, if he does turn out mistaken, and his absence has unforeseen repercussions he knows the others will retrieve him. Though, he doesn't expect that outcome. He anticipates further improvement to Thomas' life, that is what his evidence suggests will occur. He only mourns that he will not be able to witness it.
Or, really, Logan is just scared.
This is for Thomas' benefit, he reminds himself. This will help. This will makes things better. That is worth whatever he will experience. Improving Thomas' life is all he has ever aspired to achieve.
He does not know what to expect when he leaves. He does not know what it will be like. He does not know if it will hurt. He does not know if it will be effortful. He does not entirely know exactly what he is doing. He doesn't enjoy not knowing things. Perhaps it will help to think of it as an opportunity to learn.
Logan is really scared.
Things will be better without him. He repeats the phrase in his mind, a mantra to keep him focused.
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Things will be better without me.
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Things will be better without me.
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Things will be better-
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