Work Text:
Shiho was fine.
He was fine. He was at school, in the library, just about to start on some classwork when a sudden feeling hit,
“Everybody hates you.”
“You haven't gotten any texts from your friends today, you know what that could mean, right?”
“Imagine if they found out some deep dark secret about you, they hate you now.”
It was stupid and irrational, he knew, but the nagging voices in his head decided to increase their volume drastically, repeating the same mantra over. And over. And over. And over.
“They want you to die.”
“They want you to die.”
“They want you to die.”
“Theywantyoutodie.”
“Theywantyoutodietheywantyoutodietheywantyouto-”
Shiho inhaled sharply. It's okay. It's not true. It's not true. You're just over thinking, Shiho. Pull yourself together dumbass.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
Shiho was not fine.
-
He didn't know when it happened, but Shiho looked at his surroundings and he wasn't in the library anymore. He found himself tucked in a dark corner of the hallway where not many people would see.
His heart was still thudding in his chest, his head was so loud. He dug his nails into his right arm, scratching harshly. He didn't care if it left a mark. He didn't care if he missed class. He just needed this right now. Just needed the relief. He tried to ignore the dysphoria also beginning to gnaw at his being, he didn't need that. He just needed something to ground him, so he kept scratching.
It pissed him off, honestly. He wanted to hurt more, but he didn't take blades to school, and what if somebody caught him? He was still there for the rest of the day. Even if he calmed down enough to just get to class, it'd still be on his mind all day. It had honestly been on his mind all week.
Wouldn't it be sad if he dwelled on that kind of thought for hours? Just waiting and waiting and waiting until he gets home so he can slit his wrists? It was sad. He was sad. His life was sad. It had only just been 3 weeks. He couldn't even make it a month?
And yea, maybe you could argue the scratching was technically also a relapse, but he didn't bother to count it. It was never that bad.
Or, that's what he told himself.
Shiho had no idea how long he sat there for, just scratching at himself. He stopped momentarily to peek at it, just to check out the damage.
He was met with disappointment as he pulled his sleeve up. It was just a red mark. He thought it'd be… worse? It felt worse.
He pulled his sleeve back down, upset he couldn't even do this right. It was whatever at that point, he just wanted to go home.
He still hadn't talked to any of his friends that day, nor had they contacted him, to his knowledge.
“I should die.”
-
The rest of the day was… mediocre? Shiho couldn't say it was bad, but even just “okay” wasn't really appropriate either. So, mediocre it was.
He managed to eventually get himself up off the floor and to class, with little scolding from his teacher, which was kind of a win.
He thought that seeing his friends would help, since that was kind of the reason he got sent into whatever spiral he had earlier, but it didn't, really.
He was fine being around Saki and Emu, he did enjoy their presence, and he had lunch with the rest of his band too, so he didn't understand why he still didn't feel okay.
He couldn't tell if the others noticed anything, but if they did, they didn't bring it up. He was grateful for that, he really didn't want to have to explain this to them. Didn't want to explain that he felt like they all would be happier if he died, didn't want to explain that he spent every day hating his body like it was a job, didn't want to explain that he had to restrain himself from cutting his skin every single day.
The thought was exhausting.
Shiho couldn't focus well in his classes, getting minimal work done, but at least he was doing something, he really didn't want to have more work to catch up on later.
He would get through the day, get through practice, and go home where he would lay in bed and stop thinking for a while. It'd all be fine.
His friends were there today, they talked to him, they cared. It was fine.
Shiho was fine.