Chapter Text
the alarm rang.
it rang twice. then five times.
duang didn’t want to wake up. he wanted to stay in bed all day. he didn’t want to shower, get ready, or socialize with his friends—even though, somehow, they could make everything seem okay for just a little while.
however, he couldn’t miss another class. if he did, he’d fail.
so, duang sluggishly turned off all his alarms, including the ones he’d put on snooze, and forced himself out of bed. he grabbed his uniform and stepped into the shower.
once he was finally ready, he grabbed his bag and walked out the door.
he didn’t bother checking his phone. nobody ever messaged him anyways.
as he walked onto campus, he spotted his friends, jamie and pae.
“duanngggg!!” pae exclaimed.
jamie gave him a small nod, and the three of them started walking together.
“did you sleep okay? you drank a lot last night, dude,” jamie said, laughing.
“i slept fairly well!! i don’t really get hungover anyways,” duang replied, his voice carrying a little too much enthusiasm.
“by the way, we’re gonna go to the bar again tonight if you wanna come. tong and qin are coming.”
“who’s qin?”
“oh, he’s a friend of ours. don’t worry! you’ll like him,” jamie said with a wink.
duang smiled, immediately putting on an excited expression.
“ooooou!! is he cute?”
“you only care if they’re hot, don’t you?” pae said.
“nooooo… but is he?”
jamie and pae both laughed as jamie nudged duang’s shoulder playfully.
eventually, they reached the classroom.
duang sat down and tried to pay attention to the lesson, listening to the teacher talk while the words slowly blurred together in his head.
but there was only one thing on his mind.
i don’t want to go.
he stared down at his desk.
but they’ll be disappointed if i don’t.
his shoulders slowly sank.
he put his head down, pretending to rest for just a second. before long, his eyes closed, and he drifted off to sleep.
jamie noticed.
he didn’t bother waking him.
duang looked completely slumped over, and for a moment, jamie almost laughed in his face. he looked silly drooling on his arm. a few hours after class ended, duang woke up to his phone being spammed.
duangggg
DUANGGGG
HELLOOOO
we’re meeting at the bar nowwww
ik its still early
but
like
who caresss
DUANGGGGG
ARE U STILL ASLEEP?
they were all from the group chat he shared with jamie and pae. duang looked around and realized he was still in the classroom. he cursed internally at his friends for not waking him. he stood up, making sure his sleeves were rolled all the way down to his knuckles, and walked out of the room. outside, the sun was beginning to set. duang stopped for a moment, staring at the sky.
do i want to do this?
…
i want to be alone.
so badly.
he looked down at the concrete before finally starting to walk. he didn’t have a car yet, unfortunately, so he rode his bike to the bar.
when he finally arrived, he parked his bike and pushed open the door. the familiar noise of people talking and laughing immediately surrounded him. he scanned the room, looking for his friends. he already knew tong, but qin was relatively new. then he found them.
and made eye contact with qin.
holy shit.
he’s so attractive??
…
but then again… what chance do i even have with him?
duang walked over to the table. his friends immediately greeted him, and he smiled and giggled along with them. but he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off the shy boy sitting across from him.
qin.
duang kept glancing at him.
and glancing.
and glancing.
eventually, he grabbed one of the shots sitting in front of him and downed it. then another. and another.
maybe if he drank enough, he’d stop thinking.
maybe he’d stop feeling.
“duang, slow down!!” pae laughed.
“hmm..? i’m slow…” duang slurred.
“holy shit, you’re wasted.”
“mmh… nooo…”
“and yet he’s still exactly like a cute puppy when he’s gone,” jamie said.
everyone laughed.
qin didn’t.
he was watching duang. there was something different about him. yes, he was extremely hyper. expressive, loud, playful. but there was something underneath it. something that didn’t fit.
whenever everyone else started talking, duang would become quiet. he’d stare off into the distance. zone out. then, almost as if he’d suddenly remembered that people were watching him, he’d smile again.
qin couldn’t explain why, but he noticed. and what made him even more curious was how duang kept drinking. one shot after another. like he had somewhere else he wanted to be.
or somewhere he didn’t want to be.
duang suddenly looked across the table. his eyes were half-open.
“this is… the qin… you guys were talking about…?”
“yeah,” jamie said. “what? you find him hot?”
tong laughed.
“he’s totally checking you out.”
duang sighed. he didn’t answer. instead, he leaned forward and poked qin’s cheek.
“…mh… soft…”
he giggled.
qin froze, but he didn’t move away. he didn’t smile, either. he just looked at duang.
up close, he could see it. the smile was there. the laughter was there. the childish, puppy-like energy was there.
but his eyes didn’t match.
there was a quiet sadness buried underneath them. something qin couldn’t put his finger on.
duang’s finger remained against qin’s cheek. everyone at the table went silent. they were all watching, waiting. the tension slowly grew. for a moment, it seemed like something was actually going to happen.
then—
thunk.
duang’s head hit the table. he was out.
“aww, man!” jamie whined. “right when it was starting to get good?”
“good my ass…” qin muttered.
jamie looked at him with a grin.
“hmm… i smell a twelve-episode series.”
qin frowned.
“the fuck does that even mean?”
jamie only winked.
“you’ll see.”
THE NEXT MORNING
duang walked onto campus and met up with his friends as usual. surprisingly, the day seemed to be going by pretty quickly.
however, while walking back from class and onto a crossroad, he met his eyes.
qin.
they both looked at each other.
duang found him attractive, but not to the point of having a crush.
at least not yet.
qin looked him up and down as he walked past.
there was one thing he noticed.
duang’s eyes.
it was only the second time they had seen each other, yet qin could still remember exactly what his eyes seemed to emanate.
he couldn’t look away.
it was a mix of confusion, sadness, anger, nostalgia…
he had bright eyes, for sure.
but…
there was something behind them.
qin was knocked from his thoughts after accidentally bumping into a stranger.
“oh, sorry.”
he quickly apologized before turning around. his eyes immediately searched for duang again.
but all he could see was his back as he walked away.
later during lunch, duang was sitting with jamie and pae. they were all being stupid together, making fun of each other.
“you know, you were something last night,” jamie said.
“huh?? did i do something?” duang asked nervously.
“well………”
jamie pulled out his phone and showed duang a video he’d unknowingly taken last night.
once duang saw it, he immediately got embarrassed and flushed bright red.
it was a video of him poking qin’s cheeks and being all noisy, practically hanging over the table while everyone laughed at him.
“OH MY GOD.”
duang immediately covered his face with both hands.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP ME?!”
pae started laughing.
“why would we stop you?! it was hilarious!”
“i don’t remember doing that!!”
“you were completely wasted,” jamie said, still laughing. “you kept saying his cheeks were soft.”
“STOPPPPP.”
duang buried his face against the table.
“i’m never drinking again.”
“you said that last time.”
“this time i mean it.”
pae snorted.
“sure you do.”
duang lifted his head and glared at him.
“i’m serious!”
jamie replayed the video.
“look at youuuuu.”
“TURN IT OFF!”
duang reached across the table, trying to grab jamie’s phone, but jamie quickly pulled it away.
“nope.”
“jamie!”
“you need to see how cute you were.”
“i was NOT cute!”
“you were literally acting like a puppy.”
duang groaned and dropped his head back onto the table.
“i hate you guys.”
“no you don’t.”
“…i might.”
they all laughed.
for a few minutes, duang forgot about everything else.
he wasn’t thinking about class.
he wasn’t thinking about last night.
he wasn’t thinking about why he’d been drinking so much.
he was just sitting there with his friends, laughing until his stomach hurt.
and for once, that was enough.
after lunch, duang went back to class alone. he didn’t really mind. he was used to it.
he walked to a bench near the water beside the campus. he sat down, put in his wired headphones, and stared in front of him.
for some reason, the water always seemed to calm him down.
it was like… the water always kept flowing, no matter what.
that was what spoke to duang.
he wished he had the ability to never give up. to face hardships and still have the courage and determination to keep going.
but that had never happened for him.
once something set him back, he stayed on that plateau for months on end.
and… every time he looked at water, he got emotional.
he wished he could be that carefree.
he wanted to be the ocean.
he wanted to keep moving.
even when something stood in his way.
even when the current changed.
even when the waves became violent.
the water never stopped being water.
duang stared into the deep blue, his eyes slowly beginning to tear up.
he wiped them away before anyone could notice, even though there was nobody around to notice in the first place.
he let out a quiet laugh at himself.
then he turned up the volume of the song playing through his headphones.
flume.
by bon iver.
he closed his eyes.
for a few minutes, he let the water keep moving without him.
yet… it felt like his emotions had suddenly taken hold of him.
he couldn’t stop what he was feeling.
he didn’t even know why he was so sad right now.
his breathing became shaky.
he put his head in his hands and sobbed.
and sobbed.
and sobbed.
he couldn’t stop.
he didn’t know what was wrong with him.
there wasn’t even one thing he could point to. nothing had happened today that should have made him feel like this.
but somehow, everything he’d been holding back seemed to come crashing down all at once.
he wiped at his face, trying to calm himself down.
he just wanted the feeling to go away.
he wanted his mind to be quiet.
he wanted, just for a little while, to feel like himself again.
his phone vibrates
where r u????
its from jamie. duang doesn’t answer.
then another message.
duang we’re going back to class soon
he stares at it through blurry eyes.
he wipes his face, takes a few deep breaths, and eventually gets himself together enough to stand.
but before leaving, he looks at the water again.
i wish i could stay here.
he returns to campus.
“where’d you go?” pae said.
“nowhere.”
“you disappeared for like an hour.”
“i just went to the water.”
“why?”
duang shrugs.
“i like it there.”
and then he smiles. “come on, we’re gonna be late.”
pae lets it go, but jamie doesn’t. jamie doesn’t say anything.
not yet.
he just watches duang walk ahead of them, laughing at something pae said like nothing happened. his smile looks normal. his voice sounds normal. everything about him looks normal.
but jamie can’t stop thinking about the way he looked when he came back.
his eyes were red.
maybe he was tired. maybe he’d been crying. maybe it was nothing.
jamie shakes the thought away and catches up with them.
by the time they get to class, duang is back to being duang. he talks too much, makes pae laugh, complains about how boring the lecture is, and nearly gets told to shut up by the professor.
for a moment, jamie almost forgets about it.
almost.
across the room, qin sits quietly at his desk.
he looks up when duang walks in.
their eyes meet for only a second.
duang smiles.
qin smiles back.
then duang turns away and starts talking to pae again.
qin watches him for a moment longer.
there was something different about his eyes.
again.
he still couldn’t put his finger on what it was.