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It was late, well past midnight, when Aldo and Thomas finally arrived at the door to his apartment building. He turned to his friend, expecting Thomas to say his goodbyes, then continue on his short walk back to his own apartment. Thomas, however, seemed to have no such plans and instead turned towards the front door, making an ‘after you’ gesture. With a shrug that said ‘if you are sure you want to stay up even later’, Aldo reached for his keys.
Once they were inside and up the stairs onto the landing outside his door Aldo let out a sigh.
“I guess it’s my age getting to me, but I swear the Easter Vigil service gets longer and longer every year,” he said, letting himself and Thomas into the apartment. Thomas chuckled.
“So, you are finally starting to feel your age catch up to you, then? And here I was thinking that while we are the same age, I was the only one of us growing old.”
“Well, I was going to offer you a glass of that Frascati I know you adore, but if you are going to insult me so, perhaps I shall have to keep it to myself,” Aldo retorted, without any real malice. Thomas only smiled in return, a sight that, even after all this time, sent a jolt through Aldo’s core. Pushing it away as he was accustomed to, Aldo walked into the kitchen.
As Aldo got out the wine glasses and uncorked the bottles, white for Thomas, red for himself, Thomas leaned back against the counter, staring pensively up at the ceiling. Aldo couldn’t help but gaze at the gorgeous line of Thomas’s jaw and neck, only managing to tear his eyes away just quickly enough that his friend did not catch him staring.
“I think Pope Innocent’s first Easter Vigil, went well, don’t you think?” said Thomas meditatively, still staring up at the ceiling.
God, please, not this tonight. It was one thing to be in love with your best friend for years – decades, it was another thing entirely to hear him start talking about the man that he was in love with in front of you. Aldo had managed to avoid a discussing Thomas’s… well whatever Thomas was feeling for the new Holy Father in the past several months as it became increasingly obvious how close they were growing. But the with the late hour, and the relief of having finished with his duties from Holy Week, perhaps now was finally the time. He took a too large swig of his wine, and handed Thomas his glass of white.
“Yes, well, he had me revising his homily about ten times, so I’m glad it didn’t fail on delivery,” Aldo retorted, regretting it as soon as the words word out of his mouth. Thomas didn’t seem to notice the unkindness, or the bitterness in his words, and instead just fiddled with the stem of the wineglass, swirling its condense while leaning back against the counter top.
“Yes, I know you put in a lot of work with the Holy Father this past week… It was really great work, he’s lucky to have you,” Aldo scoffed lightly, but nodded in acceptance - it was true after all. Thomas continued, “You know, I’ve speaking with Vincent recently and, well, I just wanted to say I’m lucky to have you too.” He gave Aldo an abashed smile, then he took a sip of the wine he’d been furtively swirling.
Internally, Aldo sighed. Despite how much he knew it would hurt, seeing Thomas with someone else, he knew in his heart of hearts that he could not leave him. No, he would stay by Thomas, his loyal friend to the end, even though seeing Thomas with another would surely feel like a dagger to the heart. Perhaps this pain was to be his penance, for his sinful ambition, for his covetousness, for his pride. Yes, regardless of what it cost him, he would stay. Suddenly he realized that Thomas was looking at him acceptingly, waiting on him to continue the conversation.
“I, uh, I am surprised you have spoken to the Holy Father about me,” he added lamely. “That is, I only mean to say, I know you have very important business to discuss,”
“You are my closest friend of over thirty years, Aldo! Of course you will slip your way into my conversations with Vincent,”
Despite the fact that he to, was close enough with the Holy Father to call him by his given name, the familiarity sent a pang of jealousy through Aldo’s heart. He berated himself internally for his uncharitable feelings before directing his attention back to Thomas.
“And through our conversations have led me to understand somethings… things that perhaps I should have realized years, no decades, ago. And yet here I am, at this age, and still learning about myself,” Thomas was continuing.
Aldo nods slowly. Stealing himself for what was about to come, or perhaps just trying to delay the inevitable for a few more seconds, Aldo motions to the doorway to the sitting room.
“Perhaps we should sit?” he asked Thomas.
Once they were seated in Aldo’s small living room, himself in his favorite reading chair, and Thomas on the couch far too close to him, he brought his glass up in a small toasting motion, signaling his friend to continue with a smile, before taking another deep drink.
Thomas took a deep breath. “Yes, this is much more comfortable… as I was saying… I’ve recently realized that, well… Where to start…” he smiled weakly at Aldo then, placed his wine glass down on the coffee table in front of them before continuing. “Let me start over. Since I entered the priesthood, or perhaps even before that, I have rejected, for one reason or another, different pleasures. And once we took our vows of ordination, well I thought that was it for me. And while many of our brothers and sisters have often struggled with our vows, I reveled in them. I felt that they protected me. But I realize now that I did not have to be afraid,” at this, Thomas reached out and grasped the hand Aldo had rested on the arm of the armchair, caressing his thumb over the back of Aldo’s hand. “If we believe in God, who is love, then why should we fear love?”
Aldo had the sudden sensation of falling, the way one does as you are about to fall asleep. But unfortunately, he could not wake up from this nightmare. He yanked his hand away, and stood so quickly he jostled the coffee table in front of them, sending their glasses teetering precariously.
“I will not be some stand in for another who you can’t have!” he spat.
“Aldo? What are you even saying?!?” Thomas cried, the fear and confusion on his face clearly reflected in his voice.
“Do I need to be the one to say it? Will you torture me even further by making me say it?!? Then fine. I’ll say it. You are in love with the Holy Father. With Vincent,” ashamedly, his voice cracked at the name. To cover it up, he gave a hollow laugh. “And really, I can’t blame you, can I! Look at him! Look at everything he is, and everything he has done! And everything he continues to do! And you have come up here tonight to tell me that you and him have… that he has…” Aldo swallowed, trying to push down the lump in his throat that was choking him. “Or maybe that he won’t… and through your conversations you realized that I was a suitable candidate to experiment…!” his throat felt like it was closing up, and he gasped for air. Suddenly, the room felt very small. He didn’t know what he needed but Aldo knew he couldn’t stay in that room with Thomas’s oh so beautiful and oh so hurt eyes staring up at him.
He stumbled back into the kitchen, the room spinning as if he’d had far more than half a glass of wine to drink. With shaking hands he turned on the tap, splashing the icy water on his face. Slowly, as he grasped the edge of the basin, his breath came back to him. The silence that enveloped him then sent a shock of fear through him. Had Thomas left after Aldo’s outburst? But almost as soon as the thought crossed his mind it was banished by the soft steps of his friend entering the room.
Aldo knew that he should apologize. He loved Thomas. And he knew this was coming, so why hadn’t he been more prepared? Why did he have to lash out, time and time again, hurting the one person he cared more for than anyone else in this world?
“Aldo,” Thomas says softly, “Aldo look at me”.
Despite the tears that were threatening to spill down his face he yielded to Thomas’s coaxing and turned to face his friend, drawing his arms around himself. Slowly he looked up at Thomas’s face. The kindness and love he saw in the other man’s eyes was almost enough to drive him from the room once again. But no. He could do this. He could hear out his friend, and give him the love and support he deserved.
Hesitantly, as if reaching out to a skittish animal, Thomas reaches out and gently clasped the shorter man’s shoulder.
“Aldo, I am not in love with Vincent.”
Aldo nods slowly, but not understanding where this is going.
“The person I am in love with, I have been in love with for over thirty years.” Here he paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I love you, Aldo, and I’m sorry it has taken me this long to say it,” the conviction in Thomas’s deep voice was something he so rarely heard outside of a church pulpit, and it sent shivers down his spine.
Aldo stared up at Thomas, for once at a complete lack for words.
Thomas’s eyes searched the shorter man’s face, searching for something it seemed that he must not have found, as he slowly released Aldo and took a step back.
“I… I recognize that this is a lot to take in, and it is very late… I apologize if I have overstepped. This is not how I hoped things would go. I’ll, I’ll leave you now to get some rest, Aldo. I’m so sorry.”
At this, he took a step back towards the door. Thomas then hesitated for a second, as if hoping Aldo would say something, anything, before turning and making his way out of the kitchen.
Aldo’s mine continued to spin at what he had just heard. Up until a few minutes ago he was sure that Thomas would confess to him his love for another, to whom Aldo must lose him. But no! Thomas loved him, him, with all his faults and all his vices. And still, if Aldo couldn’t get up the courage to move, he still might lose Thomas, wonderful Thomas… who he had loved in secret all these years.
It was not until he heard the front door unlock that he was able to uproot his feet from the ground. He ran like he hasn’t run in years down the short hallway, crashing into the other man before he even had the chance to fully open the door. Grasping the lapels of Thomas’s coat he then pulled him into a tight embrace, hoping that it would keep him here until Aldo was able to find the words to make him stay.
After what felt like hours, he took a deep breath, inhaling Thomas’s sent to steady himself, then pulled back. Staring up at his oldest friend, he opened his mouth to speak, but before he can figure out how to tell Thomas that he has been in love with him for over thirty years, Thomas speaks up.
“Oh no, I’ve upset you,” was all he said, a deep sadness in his voice as he brushed a thumb across Aldo’s cheek. Mirroring Thomas’s touch, Aldo touched his own face, surprised to find his cheeks wet with tears.
“Why…why am I crying?” he choked out. He wanted to say more, he needed to say more, to stop Thomas from leaving, to make him understand what he has felt all those years… But no words came. All he could do was stare into those light blue eyes, so full of concern.
Suddenly, he was reaching up to Thomas’s face, caressing it in the way he has wanted to do for decades, in the way he only ever thought he would be allowed to do so in his dreams.
“Please, don’t go,” he whispered, unsure if it was loud enough for Thomas to hear him despite their proximity. “I… for years, I’ve loved you. Please don’t go. I love you.”
Next thing he knew, Thomas was embracing him, hugging him tighter and longer than he ever had before. Thomas, who would shudder away from clasping hands with someone, had wrapped his arms around him and was hugging him. Aldo embraced Thomas in turn, and when they finally broke apart, he wasn’t sure if he was laughing or crying. Between the sobs and laughs that shook his body, Aldo repeated the words he had wanted to say for years, but never had had the courage to say, “I love you, I love you, I love you”.