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Click. Kai closed the door behind him, he made it about two steps before sliding down the wall and sitting.
They’d won.
The villain was defeated, the citizens were safe, no one died, and none of them got extreme trauma. Wooo hoo. Yippee. Throw the balloons. Kill him.
Fuck. Why wasn't he grinning? They'd thrown a happy little party per usual, afterall this particular recipe of bad guys had been bothering them for awhile.
To celebrate they sang songs and danced and laughed. Did ridiculous flips and made jabs at eachother. Kai made a disgusted face when Jay kissed Nya. It was fine.
Forget fine it was perfect. Lloyd wasn't moping around, and clogged up on his own feelings of inadequacy. There was cake. Wu had even made a few jokes.
The villains didn't even pull on any heart strings, they were just oddly strategical. Difficult. Not world ending but instead the vile people that could slip through the ninja's fingers for that exact reason.
There was a burning in Kai's throat. He had an odd feeling it should've been in his eyes instead, leaving them blurry. But, no. Instead it held him in a light choke.
His stomach was feeling funny as well. Tingly and empty and knotted. It and his throat were playing jump rope together.
Admittance wasn't a skill of Kai's. Never would be. Partially at least. He could admit stuff to himself, hard not to. But others, ha ha youre funny. Have some noodles.
Maybe he ate spicy noodles and that's why his throat was burning. Ugh, but usually they made his eyes water too. And he in fact did not have noodles.
Silence surrounded him. Not complete, if he tried he knew he would be able to hear the others. Yet, his own room was still.
Shit. Fuck. Ugh kill him. Why wasn't he happy? He knew why. Fuck no he didn't.
They saved so many people. Happily so.
He could hear the police commissioner "You're amazing, keep raising the bar, ninja." That damn bar. Raise it. How? Kai always thought it was one of those cemented ones you used for pull ups. Apparently not. Though he guessed it never was.
Kai couldn't raise that bar. Forget it maybe he was right and it was pulls up.
1, saved some people. 2, stopped the villain. 3, no one died. 4, smile. 5, shake some hands. 6, don't get hurt. 7, don't let anyone else get hurt. 8, keep on going. 9, stop the villain. 10, no no no save the people. 11, save the people. 12, stop the villain. 13, no one died. 14, no one died, right? 16, fuck he missed a number. 17, start again. 18, save some people. 19, are we just gonna ignore 15? 20, stop the villain. 21, no one died. 22, shake some hands. 23, he forgot to smile.
There was no way Kai was raising the bar. No way they wanted him to. Had he really not fallen off of it yet? Guess not.
Of course the commissioner wasn't the only one that gave praise. Wu gave them that slight nod that basically meant great job. How exhilarating.
Kai wasn't happy. He wasn't even smiling. He promised to be back to the party in a few minutes. He couldn't do this. He could. Shut up.
He figured it out. His throat and stomach only felt like this after crying. Strange thing was he hadn't cried. And he wasn't going to.
Cole's boisterous laughter could be heard down the hall.
Kai needed to head back out. He was happy when he was out there. Talking with his family. The smile fell off the second he left. That was normal. That was normal.
Come on, they just saved a bunch of people, be happy. He wasn't. He couldn't. He wasn't couldn't.
Victory was a dull blade. Fighting was now too. It used to feel so nice, the pump of the adrenaline, the quickness and agility. Cuts and bruises and blood. That feeling of winning, chest rapidly rising and falling. He couldn't feel his chest right now.
Only that heat in his throat and tingle and twist it in his stomach.
He won so often now in fights. All of the ninja did. It was an incredible feat, he knew, but, was it? He didn't feel anything from it. It was baseline. Raise that bar.
He couldn't. He couldn't. He could not.
Fighting used to be his passion you know? It was nothing now. Victory was nothing now. Nothing. He'd do it again tomorrow. Another rep of pull ups.
He didn't have much of a passion now. It hurt. Kai sat here thinking in his mind what he wanted to do. No idea. Nada. Zilch. Zero.
Nothing.
He fought. He won. He protected. 1, 2, 3. No one died, no one got hurt, he didn't get hurt. 4, 5, 6.
Baseline baseline baseline. He was a ninja, that was the expectation. Not a passion. He has no passion, he had no want.
Wake up tomorrow and go be a hero. He wouldn't trade it for anything. He helped people. Baseline. No passion.
What did he want to do in his free time? What got him happy? Nothing. He was sat here against the wall of all things, hiding away from a party. Pathetic.
Get up get up get up. Go fight, go train, go protect. 1, 2, 3. Do something. Please. Smile, shake some hands. 4, 5.
Get up get up. His legs were lead. Get up. He moved anyways. Fuck this tingly feeling and burning. He needed to get back to the party.
Now, before someone called him.
He was still on the floor, ugh. Ridiculous. Stupid. Idiot. Get up get up get up.
Who cares if he didn't have a passion. Only him right? No admittance, Remember? No one would ask if no one knew. They didn't need to know. Shut up. Get up. Smile. 1.
His legs finally moved. He stood up, thank the first master. He leaned on the wall.
"Kai!" Nya. Fuck, he took too long.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!" His voice was fine, he was making up the burning feeling. There was no heat. There was no heat. There wasn't. Get up. You're already up, idiot. Why wasn't he going? Move legs move.
His stomach still tingled. He wasn't going to throw up, no time. Smile. 1.
Walking. Was he walking? No, still just leaning on the wall. Come on. Go, go, go.
His legs and him were gonna have a discussion after this. Go, go, go. He actually started walking. Up to the door he went. Wow, that was a short trip.
His hand reached the knob. Open. It didn't open. He didn't even twist it or push it. He stood there. Maybe his eyes were kinda burning. No. Just his throat.
An annoyed groan, "Kai!" Right, Nya. Go, go, go.
He twisted the knob and opened the door. Second try. A new record. Get the confetti.
It opened to his little sister. A playfully frustrated glare on her face. "What took you so long?"
Kai just smiled. 1.