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“Naruto-kun,” Sai says one day. “There’s something I don’t understand.”
Naruto thinks there’s a lot Sai doesn’t understand. He opens his mouth to tell Sai as much, imagines the disappointed look Sakura would undoubtedly give him as a result even though she isn’t actually around to give it to him, and closes his mouth. With a huff, he stretches to put his hands behind his head.
“Yeah?”
“Why do you go so far for Sasuke-kun?”
Naruto frowns and lets his hands drop. “Haven’t we had this conversation already?” He scratches his nose. “Like, three days ago?”
Sai gives him an unreadable look. “There’s something about it that still doesn’t make sense to me.”
Naruto has no idea what Sai wants him to say. “What’s so hard to get about it?” he asks, honestly confused. It’s always seemed pretty simple to him, but when he thinks about it, he guesses Sai isn’t the first person to repeatedly ask Naruto this question. Even the Pervy Sage would bring it up every so often during their years training away from Konoha. Naruto doesn’t really get why it’s so hard for people to understand.
Sai simply blinks at him. Naruto sighs.
“It’s like I said before,” he eventually says. “Sasuke’s my friend. I don’t care if other people don’t think he’s worth fighting for, because I…” He trails off. There’s nothing more to add to what he’s said before, so he simply says it again. “He’s the person who acknowledged me more than anyone else. That bond… I’ll do anything to protect it. Even if he doesn’t want it.”
Sai stares at him unblinkingly for a few moments. Naruto fidgets a bit. He doesn’t know why Sai’s scrutinizing him to such an extent when he hasn’t actually said anything new, but—
“Oh,” Sai finally says. “I see.” He taps his fist into his palm. “You’re in love with Sasuke-kun.”
“Huh?” Naruto blinks before laughing. “Nah, you got it mixed up. I’m in love with Sakura-chan.”
Sai shakes his head. “No,” he says with surprising confidence. “You’re not.”
Naruto stops walking. Sai does not. Naruto squints at Sai’s retreating back.
Eventually, Sai realizes Naruto isn’t beside him any more and turns to walk back until he’s next to Naruto again. He’s wearing the same placid, emotionless expression like always, and Naruto can’t help but feel terribly, terribly bewildered by this entire situation.
“You think I’m what?”
“You’re in love with Sasuke-kun,” Sai says again. “I read it in a book.”
Naruto chokes out an incredulous laugh. “You read it in a book—Sai, what?”
“When you’re with someone you like, you always smile,” Sai recites. “So you like Sakura, and me, and Yamato-taicho.”
“Uh,” Naruto says. “Yeah.”
“But you’re always sad when you talk about Sasuke-kun. You never smile.”
Naruto hesitates. “It’s more complicated than that—”
“Because you don’t like him,” Sai interrupts. “You’re in love with him.”
“I’m… really not,” Naruto says weakly. “Hey, Sai, where are you even getting this from—?”
“I read it in a book,” Sai says again. “When you’re in love with someone, you’ll do anything for them. Even if it means you’re sad. Even if it means you’ll get hurt, over and over.”
Naruto’s mouth flaps open and closed a few times as he digests Sai’s words.
“It’s—it’s not like that,” Naruto eventually gets out. “Sasuke’s like—Sasuke’s family. Sasuke’s like a brother to me,” Naruto says, because that’s what he knows and that’s what this has always been, “you know, like you and Shin—”
Sai shakes his head. “No.” He searches Naruto’s expression for a few moments. “I think,” he says slowly, “you’re like me.”
Naruto’s eyebrows raise helplessly. “Huh?”
“You said it yourself,” Sai murmurs. “It’s a special bond you’ve finally been able to make. But no one taught you how to feel. You… you don’t know what family is. So you don’t know what family feels like.”
Naruto would be offended if he hadn't heard worse before, and if there wasn’t truth to what Sai says. He doesn’t know what family’s supposed to feel like. He’s assumed this entire time, but he doesn’t know. Distantly, he thinks it’s a bit hysterical that this reminder is coming from Sai, of all people.
“What you have with Sasuke isn’t that.” Sai shakes his head. “This obsession you have with him—it’s not family.”
Naruto blinks blankly at Sai. Sai blinks back.
“It’s love,” he adds when the silence stretches for a bit. “That’s what my book says, anyway.”
“Oh,” Naruto says. “Right.”
Sai waits. Naruto stares at the road stretching before them.
“Hey, Sai?” Naruto hears himself ask. “I think I’m gonna sit down now.”
“Okay,” Sai says, and follows Naruto to a nearby bench. Naruto intended to be alone, but he can’t find it in him to shoo Sai away. Anyway, the other seems content to sit in silence beside him.
Love.
Sai thinks Naruto loves Sasuke?
Well, he does. Of course he does. Naruto loves Sasuke like he loves Sakura, like he loves Kakashi, like he loves Iruka, like he loves ramen, like he loves stray cats, like he loves gardening. Naruto loves lots of things and not a lot of people, but he loves nonetheless. That’s not surprising. That’s not new.
But to be in love with someone—
That’s different, isn’t it?
It has to be different. Naruto learned this was different years and years ago, when Shikamaru turned to him with a wry grin and asked him if there was any girl he liked in their class, when Naruto blurted out the name of that cute girl with pink hair because it was the first person he could think of, when Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and said, “what, the girl who’s in love with Sasuke?”
Is that what this is? Sai thinks Naruto likes Sasuke the way Sakura likes Sasuke? That doesn’t make sense. Naruto can’t imagine squealing and blushing at Sasuke’s every move like Sakura used to do so often. Sakura hasn’t done that in a while, though, and certainly didn’t do anything of the sort when they last met. What does that mean? Was Sakura not in love with Sasuke any more? Was being in love just the act of fangirling?
Naruto’s head is spinning. Distantly, he thinks he can hear the Nine Tails laughing.
No. No. Naruto’s thinking about this all wrong. He’s just confused. Sai’s confused him. Naruto can’t be in love with Sasuke, because he’s in love with Sakura, and being in love with Sakura means wanting to hold her hand, wanting to date her, and wanting to kiss her—
—well, he’s already done that last one with Sasuke, hasn’t he?
Naruto immediately shakes his head. That was an accident—both times, it was an accident, and they’d been equally disgusted by it, and it’s not like Naruto would ever want to do it on purpose—
It’s not like Naruto would ever even think about it. It’s not like Naruto is thinking about it right now.
Naruto is definitely thinking about it right now.
Because maybe if they didn’t accidentally fall into each other and clumsily bump noses and mouths, Sasuke wouldn’t splutter away in disgust. Maybe if Naruto was slow, careful, purposeful, Sasuke wouldn’t pull away at all. Maybe Sasuke would lean in, and actually, hadn’t his lips been pretty soft that one time—
Naruto brings both of his hands to slap at his face. The resulting sting is enough for that stupid image forming in his mind to dissipate, but the hot flush under his skin lingers. He presses his fingers into his cheeks, and the skin burns.
Whatever. Whatever. This didn’t have to be anything special. Obviously Naruto would be embarrassed by imagining himself kissing his rival. He’d be embarrassed imagining himself kissing anyone. And if thinking of Sasuke was enough to get Naruto in this state, imagining Sakura would make Naruto explode completely.
Wouldn’t it?
Unbidden, Naruto’s imagination rises again. This time, it’s Sakura leaning in, a pretty flush on her cheeks, as she presses her lips to Naruto’s, and—
Nothing.
There’s nothing. Not even a skip of his heartbeat.
But that doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t make sense, unless—
“Shit,” Naruto mutters. “I’m in love with Sasuke.”
“Yes,” Sai says. He sounds vaguely pleased by Naruto’s admission. “That is what I said.”
Naruto thought being in love with Sakura meant wanting to hold her hand, wanting to date her, and wanting to kiss her. What does being in love with Sasuke mean? Does he want to hold Sasuke’s hand? Kiss him? Date him?
Well. Naruto doesn’t not want to do that. He guesses. Maybe. If anyone insisted.
This is weird. Naruto feels weird—feels off-balance. He’s spent this long convincing himself he liked Sakura, but now, in a matter of a few questions, Sai’s turned everything upside down. Naruto doesn’t know how to put himself right side up again.
But in the end—does anything change?
Naruto is going to bring Sasuke back to the village, no matter how long it takes, no matter what it takes. Whether or not Naruto is in love with Sasuke while he does so isn’t actually a relevant factor. It might mean there’s an awkward conversation somewhere down the line, but that’s a step that comes after bringing Sasuke back.
Nothing changes. Somehow, this simple fact is enough to bring Naruto back to a more cheerful mood. Maybe being in love with Sasuke wasn’t so bad, after all.
“Are you thinking about kissing him right now?”
“H-huh?” Naruto splutters out, nearly falling off the bench. “No? No! I was not!” Not at that specific moment, at least.
“I read people in love like doing that,” Sai muses. Naruto splutters some more unintelligible noises.
He takes it back. He takes it all back. Being in love with Sasuke is awful. Being in love with Sasuke is the worst possible thing that could have happened to Naruto. And the fact that Sai is the one who figured this out—
“Are you imagining him naked?”
“No!” Naruto shrieks. “You—you—shut up!”
“I read that—”
“Stop reading!”