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Some days are bad, others really bad, and they all seem to last too long. Time is not moving correctly anymore.
When Bernie is at work time seems to go fast for everyone around her. The ward is buzzing, people are rushing, blood is pouring from a jagged wound. Everything is done with a certain amount of speed. Only time is not giving Bernie that courtesy, the courtesy of running by. No, time is painfully slow. Every minute is wrong, every person she talks to is wrong, every life saved by her is wrong. They are not Serena. This is not where she should be.
When Bernie is home with Serena she can't help but wait for the night. The days are long and so full of pain. She wishes they would go by quicker, for Serena's sake. Sleep is the only thing that will give Serena some semblance of peace. Only it is a peace hard won, for nights are also the hardest. The only haven Serena has, her mind fights to deny her. It brings up memories of Ellie, good and bad, and they all hit Serena like knives to the chest. Falling asleep is a nightly battle. But most things seem like battles now. It should be familiar territory for her, but it was never this difficult before. She never felt so inadequate before.
Serena feels like she is trapped in some sort of grotesque carousel. Everyday a fast blur of the same things, and she is just along for the ride of pain, sadness and an irremovable emptiness. She can't seem to catch hold of things. She really ought to stop, but before she knows it, it is night time again and she has no clear memory of the day. There doesn't seem to have been any singular moments to construct into a narrative. Everything is out of focus. Serena dreads each day. Every sunrise is an evil attempt to spin her ever farther from her daughter. Memories of smiles, of her laughter, even of the shape of her face, all waiting to fade. It's going too fast. She is leaving Ellie behind her and she cannot stop.
Nights are much better, slower. Memories come to her, things she can grasp. Memories of Ellie, her beautiful rebellious girl, clear as if she was still there. Serena is no longer spinning. Serena is anchored in the moment. Anchored by an arm wrapped around her waist.
Some days are bad, others are really bad, and they all seem to go by too fast. Time is not moving correctly anymore. Except for when Bernie is with her.