Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It was a rather cold day. The 7th of october, to be percise.

Remus was supposed to feel good, doing the things he never had any time for.

He was free of any academic pressure. Free of professors, who gave assingments, just to not grade them properly. Free of the stress that every little problem at the lab caused him. Jesus, even free of his stupid minijob at the library and the tutoring.

He had handed in and defended his docteral thesis a month ago and was now officialy Dr. Remus John Lupin. 

He had a fucking PhD in phyics.

But still, he didn't feel it. The happiness that was supposed to come.

It was even harder to get out of bed now, not having to do anything.

The first  few days he's told himself he just needs some rest, but the need for rest was growing bigger and bigger, never really satisfied.

Today though, he had to get up in the morning. In a weak moment a few days ago, Lily was able to coax him into agreeing to meet her for breakfast. 

So he hesitantly pulled back the three blankets he was wrapped up in and went to the little bathroom. 

His flat was functional, not comfortable. Remus would have loved, to have pictures on the wall, plants on his shelves or even a sofa. Just something to make this place more comfortable. more his. But he never seemed to have the time to care about such things. No plant ever outlived the semester break, and it wans't like he spent much time there anyway. That was, until he handed in his paper. Now, the cool white walls seemed to eat him up.

When Remus finished showering he put on a dark pair of trousers and a brown knitted jumper. He looked into the mirror but couldn't bring himself to care about his curls sticking up messily from his head. So he threw on his coat, wrapped a scarf around his throat and picked up his keys.

The tube was bursting. He cursed himself for not taking it into account. Now, he was standing there between the mass of people, side pressed into the door. Of course he had forgot his headphones too.

"Hey, nice jumper." 

...

"Hello, did you hear me mate?" Remus flinched.

"Yes, I mean you."

That scentence came from a raven-haired, short boy. He was pretty. Handsome. High cheekbones, flushed cheeks, long eyelashes and stormy blue eyes, wearing a black leather jacked, ripped jeans and black boots. This man was the absolute definition of beautiful.

But Remus couldn't about that now.

"Oh, fuck off." he frowned, contray to his usual manners, but he'd got no energy, to get bothered by a stranger.

"Jesus, I just wanted to compliment your outfit. No need to act like that."

Thankfully the tube was just arriving at Remus' station, so he didn't have to face the situation any further.

When he arrived at the café, Lily was already waiting for him. She was sitting at her favourite table, in the back, hidden away from the rest of the people.

"Hey moony, glad to see you again." She pulled him into a tight hug.

"It's been ages." 

When they parted, she looked him up and down, concern rising in her eyes.

"Not to be rude, but you look pretty bad."

"Well hello to you too." he replied in a sarcastic tone.

He ordered his tea and let Lily convince him to have a piece of apple pie.

Soon he they sat infront of their beverages and cakes, chatting along about the library.

That was where they met in the first place. Lily was in need for a job, much like Remus, she wasn't from a rich family and even though she achieved a scholarship, she still had to work to cover her expences.

The two of them were the youngest who worked there, so when they met, they immedeatly bonded over hating the creepy caretaker. And about loving literature of course.

Lily was a english liteature major and Remus loved listening to her explaining theories, exploring new authors toghether and talking shit about certain colleagues.

The payment was more than bad, but it was a rather easy job and at that point they both just were grateful for it.

Soon Mary, who Lily had been fancying for months, came too speech. Lily was lost gone her, when they first met in a flower shop.

In Remus' opinion, it was obvious, that Mary had a thing for her too, but neither of them dared to make the first move.

"So how's it going between you two?"

"Well, we went on a date toghether and maybe ... we kissed" Lily answered with a crooked smile.

"Oh my fucking god, finally. Congratulations. I mean, whoa, that's great. Wonderful. Sorry, I'm at a loss for words here. I almost thought, you would just keep pining for each other for the rest of your lifes." Remus wore a genuine smile. 

Finally.

"Now who was it, who made the first step?"

"It was her."

"See, I told you she had a thing for you." Remus taunted.

"Soo, what kind of date was it?"

"We went to a cat café, and she walked me home after. And then she stayed for a glass of wine." Lily said shyly. This was the first time she was telling this to someone. Sure, she could have told one of her friends, but it felt too fresh, too new. Like it could be destroyed if someone knew.

"Oh my god, this is so...Lily, I don't know, how to tell you how happy I am for you." Remus couldn't contain his emotions anymore. Lily kissed Mary. Or Mary kissed Lily. They hadn't gotten to that part yet. 

Lily went on, telling every little detail about her date. And every little detail about Mary. 

Remus listend and contirbuted his thoughts at first, but eventually his thoughts wandered off. To the boy in the tube. He cought himself thinking about how pretty he was. No. Stop. This was wrong. He didn't just start fancying people from the tube. Strangers. He was Dr. Remus John Lupin. Somehow he even felt guilty about scolding the guy. Not, that he normally felt good about being rude, but this one, it was different.

"Helloo, earth to Remus, are you listening to me?" He was pulled out of his trance and back into reality.

"Fuck, sorry. I don't know, I just got lost in my thoughts. What did you say?" He ran a hand through his hair.

"No, it's alright. Enough of my life now. What's going on in your life now that you're a docter?"

Remus didn't know why, but that question threw him off track. He didn't do anything. He sometimes looked for job offerings, but he never found anything that felt right.

"Looked up some job listings. Nothing really fit." He was too ashamed to admit, that for the past month he barely left his flat.

"Remus, are you okay? You look kind of ..." Again, she sounded concern.

"Yes - Yeah. Sorry. I don't know, what it is."

"As I said earlyer, I don't want to be rude, but you really don't look so great. Or happy."

"I just couldn't bring myself to get out a lot the past month. That's all." was all he could force out. He didn't know, where it came from so suddenly, but he was at the verge of crying.

"Hey, it's okay. Do you want to talk?" Lily tried to comfort him.

"I'm good. It's okay. It was just a bit much."

"Have you been eating enough?" in the past, Remus used to have phases, where he was so deep into his research, he forgot to eat or cure any of his needs, frequently. Lily only found out about it, when he came to work, looking like a dead man. Thin, pale as a wall and dark bags under his eyes.

"Probably not. I know, I know. It was just this first month. It's going to get better."

"Can I help?" she felt bad for him, wanted to take some weight off.

"No, it's alright. But thank you."

"`r you sure?"

He gave her a nod.

"Okay." she took the last sip of her latte. "So what were you thinking about, that made you blush so much? And please tell me it wasn't some physics shit."

"Shut up. I didn't blush. And physics stuff is not some shit." He exclaimed in mock offence.

"Nope, no distracting me. You were blushing. Hard. So what - or who - was it?"

"Nothing." He saw in Lilys face, that he wouldn't get away with that. She would keep nagging him, if he didn't tell the truth. 

"It was a guy on the tube. I met him on the way here but -"

"Ahh I get it. A hopeless romance. Two strangers on the train falling in love." she taunted.

"Love is a big word. I just tought he looked good." Remus already regret telling her.

"And what did you do about it?" Lily looked excited.

"Told him to fuck off."

"You did not. Oh my fucking god Remus. What ?"

"He told me he liked my jumper, and I just, well yeah."

"A guy you think is hot tells you he likes your jumper, and you do nothing about it?"

"Hey that's wild coming from someone who needed seven months to go on a date, and it wasn't even you who asked first, so let's not make a fuss."

"No, you've been abolishing your love life for the last five years. I understood, you were stressed, but now, you have time."

Remus sighted in defeat.

"It's not like I'm going to meet him again anyway."

"Who knows." Lily said with a smug grin on her face.

She picked up her phone.

"Shit, I completly lost track of time. Sorry I've got to go." the redhead hurridly packed up her things in her purse and threw on her brown coat.

"Is it a date with Mary?" He asked teasingly.

"Hmm jealous already, I see. But nope, sadly I've got to be at uni iiinn, well exactly ten and a half minutes."

"Alright then, have fun or someting." Remus also got up putting on his coat and scarf.

"Thank you for coming, Rem. I know it's hard right now."

"You make it better."

"Promise me, you're going to eat something for lunch today?"

"Yes."

"Good. You know I expect a picture with you next to it."

"Alright, alright, now go and hurry up, then you might only miss the first five minutes."

"Okay bye love you. And don't you think I will forget about the picture."

"Love you, bye."

Remus walked back to his flat this time. He did not need another interaction with a stranger. Or any social interaction at all.

It took for about an hour until he got home. He toed off his shoes threw his coat on the rack and put his keys back. 

Food, he thought to himself, I've got to make something for lunch.

So he went to the kitchen (more like a kitchenette in the living room) and opened the fridge.

He was greeted by a bottle of red whine, a halfway empty bottle of vokda, mustard and a week old cucumber.

In the last few weeks, he mostly ordered take out, if he felt like eating, but he promised Lily, to eat something and she wouldn't be satistfied, if he ordered fries.

So he put on his shoes and coat on again, took his keys and wallet and went off to the nearest supermarket.

Remus walked through the aisles, aimlessly picking things from the shelves, reading the lables and putting them back again, until he finally decides on making a simple onepot dish out of tomato sauce, tofu and chickpeas. He also bought some fresh fruits and vegetables.

Contray to his relatively healthy purchases, he went straight into the tobacco shop across the street. He had picked up smoking when he was fiveteen. He knew, that it harms his body and he also knew, that it would eventually turn into an addiction, but in his youth, Remus didn't have a particularly good time.

As if teenagers would not bully the "nerd". As if he would somehow befriend anyone in a public school, where you would automatically be bullied too, if you spoke up against the popular kids, even if no one liked them.

At first, he just wanted to see, what all the fuss was about, but soon it was a method to calm down. A few quiet minutes. Also his selfdestructive tendencies did surely not stop at not sleeping enough.

Remus got home and started cooking (if you can call throwing the ingrediants all in the pot and heating them up cooking) and sent a pickture of the pot to Lily.

Remus: *picture*

Lily: Looks good ;)

Lily: Now I just need a picture with your cutesy beautiful face next to it :D

He felt fancy, so he thew in some spices, stirred everything, turned the heat down and put a portion on a plate.

Now, to meet Lily's requirements he held the plate next to his face and took a selfie.

Remus: *picture*

Remus: Was that enough for you to be convinced, that I can take care of myself now?

Lily: For now I'm good but don't you believe I'll let you off the hook for the next week

Lily: I just want to make sure you'll get out of that hole soon

Lily: You know, I'm not doing this to nag you or anything right? I want to help

Remus: Yes.

Remus: Thank you

Remus: You know it really does help to feel like someone cares

Lily: No need to thank me, it's what friends do

Remus: Then I thank you for being my friend 

Lily: ❤️

Remus spent the rest of the day in his bed, but not like the last month. Beforehand he changed the bedsheets and threw the old ones into the washing machine, then he did the dishes, packed up the leftovers and took out the trash. After he was finished with his chores, he put on a fresh pair of pyjamas and made himself a big pot of tea.

Remus took his laptop with him and got comfortable under the covers, breathing in the smell of laundry detergant and tea.

He felt better. Lily really was helping him.

Remus put on some music and started to look up job listings.

He had enough money to sustain atleast three months. He never spent much money and always worked atleast two jobs at the same time. During his studies, Remus never really cared for his finances, so when he actually looked up how much money he had, he was astonished.

Still, he needed a job. And some structure in his life.

Scrolling through offerings, either too far away, or not fitting his field of research. After a long time of staring at the screen in annoyance he took the last sip of tea and got out of bed.