Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you've been noticing some weird stuff going on around your house lately.

It's not a problem, really! You're a big fan of “weird stuff”! You were warned that things like this happened in this house before you and your DAD moved in by the previous tenant, so it'd be kind of rude of you to get fussy over it now. It just gets kind of annoying when your glasses re-locate themselves and you have to stumble around the house, and it's really fucking creepy to wake up with one of your Dad's harlequins sitting inches away from your face when you wake up in the morning.

Again, it's not a problem at all! If anything it makes it really fun when there's nothing to do and you walk into the kitchen to find the chairs all upside down. Or when when you come home from school and one of the clown dolls is sitting on the counter, waiting for you with lifeless eyes. And that one time when you found every single jester your Dad owned sitting in a circle in your room with that stuffed bunny Rose gave you sitting in the center? Classic. So you can't help but smile when you take out the shopping list Dad left you and find it slightly changed from when you left it on the counter before going to the store. Standing in the isle, you snicker to yourself as you go down the list.

The writing is faint and shaky, as if the writer was having trouble holding the pen. You hurry through the list, chucking a bottle of apple-juice into the cart before heading home. You can't stop smiling to yourself through the drive, glancing back at the bag in the passenger seat every once in a while. You unlock the door and step inside, taking a deep breath before calling out.

“Honey, I'm home!” You trail into the kitchen, pulling the groceries out of the bag before putting them away, stuffing the bags into a drawer. “They were out of dicks and virgin blood, so it looks like we'll have to order special!” You see a flicker of movement out of the corner of your eye, but you don't turn around, instead smiling to yourself as you pull out the apple juice and pour a couple of glasses, leaving one on the counter as you plop yourself down on the couch. You wait a moment before taking a sip. “Well? Aren't you going to welcome me home?” Another beat of silence. You roll your eyes, heading to your room to get your computer before heading back. You should've known it wouldn't work. What were you expecting? A ghost to just walk out of the wall and say “Sup”? You sit back down on the couch, setting your half-empty glass to the side as you open pesterchum. You frown when no one is online. Isn't Jade usually online by now? You blink when a window pops up, a new chat window opening.

- ??? [???] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 4:13 - -

???: are you stupid or what
EB: I think “or what” is the better option!
???: nah
???: youre just stupid
EB: hey!
???: welcome home btw

You feel a chill run down your fingers.

EB: what
???: did I fucking stutter
???: do I need to go through the whole housewife routine
???: put on a frilly apron and make you a sandwich
???: bake you a pie for dessert after the meatloaf
???: wait nm your dad already does that
EB: what
???: ill flutter my eyelashes at you and well make sweet love
???: and shed a single womanly tear as you leave for work again the next day
???: because your love isnt enough for me any more
???: ive been captivated by the ajs gentle embrace
???: theres no going back to what we had before
???: theres just one problem
EB: what
???: I cant drink apple juice you idjit im a fucking ghost
EB: what
???: youre right that was bad
???: remind me to never say idjit again its not a good look on a strider
???: except I cant really say anything because once again
???: im a fucking ghost
EB: what
???: ok dude this is getting old can you stop being broken now
EB: uh
EB: how exactly do you want me to respond?
EB: because it's not exactly like I talk to dead people every day
???: I dont care
???: type or talk or something I dont give a fuck

You pause a moment. “Uh.”

???: eloquent
???: really I dont understand how you dont have all the ladies swooning at your feet
???: please continue
EB: look this is just really weird!
EB: I mean the other guy who lived here told me that this place was haunted
EB: and you've pretty much proved that over the past few months
EB: but why are you just talking to me now?
???: excuse you but not all of us have limitless amounts of life energy
???: being a ghost sucks a bag of dicks
???: doing this is pretty much like running a marathon you should be grateful
EB: really? That kinda sucks!
EB: How do you get life energy or whatever?
???: usually just being near people
???: if I have enough I can actually touch/move things and talk and shit
???: but that can take a while
???: it works better with actual physical contact
???: thats how ghosts are made too
???: carry enough life energy with you as you die because of strong emotion and shit and bam
???: instant ghost mix
EB: huh
???: yep
EB: can I ask you a question?
???: shoot
EB: what's your name?

There's a few moments before he (at least you think it's a he) answers, and you're afraid for a moment that he ran out of life energy to use before his words pop back up on the screen.

???: why do you want to know
EB: it's just weird calling you “that ghost guy” in my head all the time!
EB: i'm sure you know my name by now but i'll say it anyway
EB: hi! I'm john egbert! :B
???: yeah I know
???: its dave strider
EB: hi dave!
???: sup
???: speaking of names
???: does your dad even have one
EB: of course he does!
???: what is it then
???: because I sure as hell dont know

You're about to answer when you realize: you don't know your own dad's name! “Huh.” You've only ever heard other people call him Mr. Egbert, and you never really closely examined his messy handwriting when he signed school documents for you.

EB: you know what
EB: I don't know!
EB: that's really weird actually
???: youre telling me
EB: i'll ask him tonight.
EB: i'm actually really curious now :B
???: damn straight
EB: how will I let you know?
???: ill probably just listen in
???: I dont think I can do this chat thing again for a little while
???: that pen really took it out of me
EB: I was wondering, if you can't drink apple juice then why did you ask for it?
???: shit I didnt think you were actually gonna get it
???: I was just messing with you mostly
???: I shouldve known youd just get it for me
???: especially after you laughed at the Clown Circle of D E A T H
EB: yeah, that was pretty cool!
EB: it totally scared the shit out of me for a second!
???: why does your dad own so many clown dolls and stuff anyway
???: theyre all creepy as fuck
EB: I think he thinks I like them :/
EB: I don't know how he got that idea to be honest

- ??? [???] is now an idle chum! –

EB: dave?
???: shit sorry
???: I gotta bounce before I Black Out
???: trust me it wont be pretty if I do
EB: ok!
EB: will you still be around though?
???: yup
???: I wont be able to say anything back but I can hear you just fine
EB: ok
EB: get better soon I guess?
???: sure thang. Ill be good in a couple days
EB: see ya :B
EB: except not really
EB: bye!

--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ??? [???] - -

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you just talked to a GHOST named DAVE. Your life is officially awesome.