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Awsten Knight was a broken man.
In theory, he should be happy. He was musician with an amazing and large audience, he toured multiple countries with his best friends, he was able to make a true impact with his music, and he had an amazing boyfriend… but maybe that was the issue.
Michael Clifford was the kind of guy that only existed in dreams. A famous musician that went on world tours, and yet he was somehow able to remain the sweetest person Awsten had ever met. He lightened up every room he was in with his wide, toothy smiles and his loud, full-body laughs.
Anybody would love him, and Awsten does love him, but maybe not in the way he should. Michael was his boyfriend, the person he was supposed to love most, but when Awsten was alone with his thoughts long enough to let them run wild, it would dawn on him that the way he acted with Otto, Geoff, and even Lucas was no different from how he acted with Michael. That thought terrified him.
How was someone even supposed to express love? He had no issue with platonic love, but romantic love feels way out of his abilities. How does romantic love even differ from platonic love in the grand scheme of things? He loved his friends just as much as his boyfriend, but was that a bad thing?
Sometimes, Awsten felt trapped. He was trapped in a whirlwind of his own thoughts and expectations of love that he couldn’t even amount to.
Sometimes he would overcompensate for his own mental tranquility, being overly sappy to Michael and doing weird couple things he would make fun of not even a year prior, but that’s what love is supposed to be…right? Sure, it didn’t exactly resonate with Awsten, but it seemed to make Michael happy, and thats what Awsten was supposed to do. He was supposed to make sure Michael was happy in their relationship.
It wasn’t like Awsten hated it, he didn’t mind being with Michael. Michael was an amazing partner, but as time went on and Awsten’s thoughts held hostage of his mind, it only made Awsten guiltier and guiltier. He didn’t want to take advantage of Michael or his feelings, but he didn’t want to tarnish their relationship either. Maybe these feelings were temporary, and he would be back to loving Michael the way he did before, because he did love Michael. Just not in the way he should’ve.
Ever since they first kissed for their music video, Awsten could just never amount to and replicate what Michael felt about him.
★
They were finishing up the shooting for Give Me a Break!, saving the easy scenes for last, which meant the ending scenes in the bedroom. It was a nice process, Awsten had a lot of fun with Michael, working together on such a cool and fun music video was amazing, and he was happy Michael was able to explore and commentate on this side of fame and fan culture.
Awsten was also never one for personal space, always hanging off of someone’s arm or leaning against them, the usual victims being Geoff or Otto, and his newest victim was none other than Michael Clifford himself.
To Awsten, this was nothing new, it’s just what he did. He liked feeling the warmth of another person against him…but maybe in hindsight he was sending signals that he didn’t fully understand. Michael didn’t seem to mind Awsten’s behavior, he even seemed to enjoy it, as he would also initiate contact by wrapping an arm around Awsten’s shoulders or waist casually. It was all fine.
When the idea of kissing was brought up, Awsten didn’t mind at all, almost immediately agreeing. He kissed his friends all the time.
Michael, however, took more time to convince, as he seemed rather embarrassed.
“It’s just a kiss, y’know? It’s not like we’re raw dogging in front of everyone crazy style.” Awsten said almost deadpan as he typed away on his phone, glancing up in time to see Michael’s face turn a hilarious shade of red.
“Awsten!! You can’t just say that… Jesus Christ…” Michael put his head in his hands, letting out a deep sigh before shaking his head, “Fine… we can do the kiss.”
Awsten smiled, standing up, and already walking out the door.
“Great! Let’s go now then before we get yelled at for being late… again.”
The rest of the shoot went as normal until they got to the kiss. On Awsten’s end, the kiss went totally fine. Like expected, it was the same feeling as kissing Geoff or Otto, which was something he did more often than not.
Michael on the other hand… as soon as the shoot was wrapped up, Michael seemed to book it, like he was trying to run away from what he had just created. It confused Awsten… he seemed totally fine just moments ago.
After almost an entire hour, after Awsten had chatted with the production crew for a bit, he finally found Michael, tucked in the backstage area of the set, fiddling with his bag he had brought.
“Michael? Are you all good..? You kind of just… disappeared.”
Michael turned around at record speed, his body tensing up, clearly not expecting Awsten to be right there.
“Yeah, yeah… sorry, I was just thinking.”
Awsten just nodded. It wasn’t his business to pry into Michael’s personal issues, but…
“I can ask them to cut out the kiss, if that’s what’s bothering you.”
Michael shook his head.
“No, no… it’s fine really. It’s just… different.”
Awsten just let out a hum, starting to understand. This was probably Michael fully coming to terms with his sexuality after kissing Awsten. Awsten didn’t mind… he was quite honored, honestly.
Awsten wrapped his arm around Michael and the two stood there against the wall, basking in the silence.
★
If Awsten had one thing he could change, it would be him accepting Michael’s confession.
He knew it was a horrible thing to say about the man who he calls his boyfriend, but if Awsten wasn’t such a coward that couldn’t face his own feelings, he wouldn’t have to face the overwhelming guilt that ate him alive.
Awsten had tried so hard to feel something for Michael, but it never worked. The first month or two were fine, they were just getting started, but when Michael started to get really romantic with Awsten was when the truth dawned on him.
Awsten loved Michael, but Michael was in love with Awsten.
★
It was one of those rare nights where neither Michael nor Awsten were busy, and since they weren’t too far from each other, Michael being in the area to promote his new album, they decided to meet up.
It had only been a month or two since the release of Give Me a Break!, but the two had stayed in touch with each other, much more than they had previously, texting nearly daily and sprinkling the occasional call.
They had walked around the city for a couple of hours in the evening, grabbing dinner at some Chinese takeout place, and heading to Awsten’s apartment. It was a nice place, even if it wasn’t as big as Michael’s properties. The decoration was very… Awsten.
The two ate and messed around for a while, crashing on Awsten’s couch with Awsten almost entirely on top of Michael. They had put on a movie in the background, said movie being Twilight.
Awsten knew Michel could tell he did it to mess with him.
They got halfway through the second movie before they ended up on their sides facing each other, squished together on Awsten’s small couch, a hand wrapped securely around Awsten. Just in case.
They talked for a while, Awsten talking about the music he was working on, Michael didn’t talk as much, but Awsten didn’t mind. He liked ranting.
He was chuckling at some random comment he had made when he felt a soft, familiar pair of lips on his own.
Michael was kissing him.
Awsten was shocked at first, freezing up before he reciprocated, but it was weird. He didn’t feel… anything. He didn’t feel flustered, happy, or even affection. It was just… fine.
He could feel Michael smiling against his lips before he pulled away, and Awsten quickly mirrored his reaction, hoping his eyes wouldn’t give him away.
“Aws… will you be my boyfriend…?” Michael asked, whispering in Awsten’s face as he pressed their foreheads together, a smile on his face as he got the question out.
The next couple of seconds felt like hours to Awsten.
He had no reaction to the question apart from shock. He shouldn’t have been shocked, looking back on it, Michael couldn’t have been more obvious. Awsten just… didn’t see it that way.
To be Michael’s boyfriend… what would that entail? Why would it be any different from just being friends?
Awsten swallowed, and despite his inner turmoil, he nodded. Sure, he wasn’t in love Michael, but he still loved him. Michael was amazing, loving him wouldn’t be hard at all.
★
Awsten pressed the dial button at 10:14 at night.
“…Awsten…? Are you okay…?” He heard a groggy voice over his phone speaker. Shit, he forgot Michael was three hours ahead of him. Awsten sighed, it was too late now. He needed to do this.
“Yeah… I’m okay Mikey.. but, uhm, can I talk to you about something… or more like tell you,” He started rambling. God, he was so anxious. He could hear ruffling on the other side of the line, probably Michael sitting up in bed.
“Of course, whats bothering you, Aws?”
Awsten could feel the fear creeping up his throat, his voice cracking as he spoke.
“You won’t get mad…?”
There was a short moment of silence over the call as Michael seemed to contemplate his answer.
“I promise.”
Awsten let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He was going to be okay.
“I… I don’t think I’m in love with you, Michael.” The tears were pooling in his eyes and his voice was breaking up as he spoke, only worsening as the silence in the phone call stretched on.
“…Huh?”
Awsten let the tears run down his face.
“I-I’m so fucking sorry Michael… I-I thought I could do it but i fucking can’t a-and i don’t want to lose you b-but it’s eating me alive a-and I’m just so fucking-“ Awsten was cut off by his own sob, throwing his phone onto the mattress, pressing the speaker button and resting his head on his knees.
“Awsten, I-I need you to take a deep breath, Okay?” Awsten was confused. Why was Michael talking so sweetly…? He was supposed to be mad.
Despite this, he followed Michael’s instructions to get his breathing back on track, and they sat there in silence for almost ten minutes before Michael spoke up.
“Look, Awsten… I’m not going to pretend everything’s fine… because it really isn’t… it’s a lot to take in… but I-I’m glad you were honest. You’re not a bad person do this, okay? You were just trying to make me happy and trying to understand yourself. I-It’s neither mine nor your fault.” He could hear Michael pausing every so often, but he hummed in acknowledgment.
“I-I still love you, Michael. You’re my best friend… I just don’t think i’m i-in love with you, or anyone, really. I don’t think I ever have.” Awsten admitted, curling in on himself more.
“That’s okay… I-I love you too, Awsten. I always will.”
The two stayed in silence for few moments before Awsten spoke again.
“I-Im gonna try to sleep now… I’m really sorry, Michael.”
“Goodnight, Awsten.”
The line died as Awsten threw his phone against the wall before he slumped onto his bed. He had ruined the one good thing he had because he couldn’t even do something as simple as loving.
Awsten Knight is a cruel man.