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Jinyoung doesn’t think he could describe everything Jackson Wang is if he tried, but he likes to think he knows more than most.
Sometimes looking at Jackson is like staring at the sun; dazzling and warm and blindingly bright all at once. That’s the Jackson everyone else knows and loves, and though it’s a dominating facet of his personality, Jinyoung knows, painfully so, that it’s also a double-edged sword. There’s recoil that inevitably occurs given Jackson’s pure, genuine eagerness. It’s what makes him a target for emotional exploitation on broadcasts, what makes him speak as if he’s not worth being loved, or fall into so deep a sadness that no amount of kind words can soothe it.
Jinyoung knows, because no one has the grip on his heart that Jackson does.
It shouldn’t even bother him anymore that it’s one-sided, he thinks to himself as Jackson’s fingers thread through his, feeling oddly disconnected from his own thoughts. They’re walking down the cold streets of Toronto together; lately, Jackson has been quite insistent on performing fanservice with Jinyoung, and even after all these years Jinyoung still has mixed feelings.
After all, it’s been so much more than Jinyoung ever thought he could handle. He remembers the beginning, when he was wary of letting someone like Jackson past his careful defenses, but before he realized it Jackson had wormed his way under his skin. Jackson was the first one who encouraged Jinyoung to pursue acting, the first one to rush to Jinyoung’s side when his tears overflowed, the first one to grab hands with him whenever same-aged friends come up in conversation— in retrospect, Jinyoung doesn’t know how he didn’t notice sooner. It was less like the bond with Jaebum, which had been forged stronger than steel over time, and more like a jolt of electricity he was only conscious of once the static was already enveloping his soul.
“What do you think?” Jackson looks at him expectantly as Jinyoung stares down at the expensive bag Jackson had just bought for him.
His smile is forced, despite being truly happy. “I’ll use it until it wears out, of course.”
JInyoung thinks he seems stilted, even awkward on their ‘date’ as Jackson dragged him across the city and back, leaning close to take selfies, up through exchanging gifts with each other. Part of him wonders if the fans watching would think he’s too cold, but he’s also worried about Jackson, his mind already putting together potential words of reassurance he could give once the cameras leave. It may be just fanservice , but as with everything he does Jackson’s real emotions are there too, his true feelings of friendship and brotherhood towards Jinyoung erupting in the form of showy displays and cheesy shouts.
Jackson doesn’t blame him, though. He never does, not out loud at least. This time, his step has a bounce in it as the group heads back up to their hotel rooms. By coincidence they end up being the last two left in the hallway, and suddenly Jackson turns to him. For a fleeting, heart-stopping moment, Jinyoung thinks Jackson might suggest they spend some time together without the staff.
“Don’t read tonight and just go to sleep, Jinyoung-ah.” Jackson’s smile is bright, even after hours and hours of filming and walking around.
“Mm, I’ll try. We all have schedules after we get back, after all.” Jinyoung nods and glances at his watch, but doesn’t make any promises.
“Maybe we can film another date segment! I had so much fun today, it wasn’t even like a schedule.” Jackson’s expression becomes positively radiant. ““Right, Park-gae ?” And though he’s normally good at controlling his words and emotions, Jinyoung feels a lump form in his throat.
A hundred, a thousand pieces of paper have been buried in Jinyoung’s mind already, unwritten letters full of unspoken words. It’s like time stops temporarily, hours passing as he writes another in his head, filling it with bittersweet yearning, burning tenderness that eats away at his ribcage. Yet only a moment passes for Jackson, who deserves to have Jinyoung’s unwavering support as a friend, who deserves every good thing in the world and more.
So, Jinyoung buries the letter again and smiles back. “Only if you buy me more presents, Wang-gae .”
--
Jackson doesn’t think there’s enough time in the world to describe all the ways he adores Jinyoung, all the things Jinyoung does that makes Jackson feel like he’s being warmed from his core all the way to his fingers and toes.
His heart pumps even faster than usual during their date in Toronto, and he’s thankful the cameras are there to soak up most of his nervous energy. It’s not just because Jinyoung is beautiful; but , Jackson thinks as he swings their joined hands, Jinyoung is completely, absolutely beautiful. He loves every single part of Jinyoung— the soft fullness of his lips, the crinkle of his eyes when he smiles, the way his ears stick out just so.
Today in particular, the winter sun makes Jinyoung look like an angel, and Jackson can’t help but keep looking at him, sticking close and staring even when the staff are having them take a break from filming.
“Did my makeup get smudged?” Jinyoung asks him, oblivious.
“Just appreciating Actor Park’s visuals.” Jackson smiles and plays it off as a joke, easily, and Jinyoung grins sardonically.
“How sweet of you.”
And that’s what Jackson loves equally as much, Jinyoung’s mind, his uncanny ability to always know just the right thing to say, catching on to all of Jackson’s jokes and keeping pace with Jackson’s spilled-over thoughts no matter how haphazard it gets. It’s always made perfect sense for someone as stunning and talented as Jinyoung to become an actor.
Maybe it’s because his brother has a child now, or because Mark and Youngjae adopted a dog, or most of his friends from his fencing days have someone in their lives, nowadays; maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe it’s really because Jinyoung seems to shine brighter with every passing day, but for whatever reason Jackson can’t help but bend over backwards for even a moment of his attention.
“Jinyoung-ah. Jinyoung-ah, let’s do it together!” Jackson pleads as they make cupcakes for the fans.
“We have to do it separately,” Jinyoung says patiently, possibly with a hint of exasperation, but that doesn’t stop Jackson from trying, almost involuntarily, to get Jinyoung to look at him, to make him laugh, even if Jinyoung is somewhat more resistant than usual to his antics when there are cameras around. He’s used to that, though.
He’s used to all of it by now, really—it’s been three years since they debuted, though it feels like longer and yet infinitely shorter. And of course they were together as trainees, so Jackson’s long since lost track of exactly when and where he fell for Jinyoung. A little later, when the interviewers bring it up again, Jackson’s answer is the same as it was back then.
Do you have any plans now that the dating ban is over?
Honestly? No, he explains. He thinks not only of Jinyoung, but of his parents, his fans, his friends, everyone he cares about. I’m not qualified. I can’t take care of them myself.
Despite his honest answer the question lingers in Jackson’s head for days afterwards, and he can’t help but squirm around in his seat the entire van ride back to the dorms after all the schedules are finally over. He’s been separate from the others for some time, again, and he misses all of them— misses Jinyoung. He wonders for the hundredth time if Jinyoung misses him even half as much as Jackson does him.
He decides to keep his mouth shut once he’s home to prevent anything unwarranted from spilling out, which is pretty easy since most of the others have already gone to their rooms; Jinyoung is nowhere to be seen. It’s not until he’s almost ready for bed that suddenly a familiar pair of arms slip around him from behind in the hallway, the faint smell of Jinyoung’s shampoo hitting Jackson’s senses immediately.
“I missed you, Jackson-ah.” Jinyoung’s voice is soft but rough around the edges. Jackson feels a shiver go down his spine. “And, it’s cold. Sleepover with me tonight?”
They’ve slept in the same bed plenty of times, but something from Jinyoung’s tone of voice suggests he needs something else, too, maybe reassurance or comfort after another long day apart. He turns around in Jinyoung’s arms, returning the embrace, letting Jinyoung’s warmth and solidness fill up his heart. “Only if you don’t hog the blankets again.”
Jinyoung only smiles gently in response to his joke, and Jackson is content to stay quiet too, not wanting to disturb the others’ rest. Even with the lights off they both know the way to Jinyoung’s bed, Jinyoung automatically lying on his side so he’s facing Jackson when he crawls in after him.
And Jackson was pretty sure Jinyoung wanted to talk once they were in bed, but for a while there’s only silence punctuated by slow, even breaths, and as much as he loves seeing Jinyoung all soft and vulnerable like this Jackson soon gets sleepy too.
“I saw your interview,” Jinyoung murmurs into the darkness, causing Jackson’s eyes to pop open. “About the dating ban.”
“I-I just said what the company wanted me to,” Jackson whispers back, not sure why he’s immediately going on the defensive.
“I know, but… you don’t have to put yourself down so much. That hurts the fans too.” Jinyoung’s frown is visible from this close even in the darkness. “It… it hurts me, too,” he adds in a rush.
“Jinyoung-ah?” Jackson’s heart is beating faster, but he can’t explain why.
He thinks Jinyoung might be blushing, too, and for a moment it looks like he wants to explain himself. Then, he shifts away, rolling onto his back instead. “Never mind, I’m being stupid. Night, Jackson-ah.”
“You’re not stupid.” Jackson reaches out and squeezes Jinyoung’s hand under the blankets. It’s cold at first, but when Jinyoung squeezes back it quickly starts to warm up to the same temperature as Jackson’s. “You’re the smartest person I know, Jinyoungie.”
“Jackson-ah.” Jinyoung turns back towards him, and now that Jackson’s eyes are fully adjusted to the dark he can see the light reflected in Jinyoung’s eyes, and the color of his mouth as it curves up in a watery smile, so close to him.
When their gazes meet Jackson hears Jinyoung’s breath catch, or maybe he’s merely imagining it. Curious, he reaches up to trace his thumb along the curve of Jinyoung’s lower lip only to find that it’s trembling. And Jackson knows he shouldn’t, he can’t , but then— then there are storms and fireworks in his brain as he tastes Jinyoung’s smile for the first time. The initial kiss is a brief, closed-mouth press, and Jackson isn’t sure who moved in first, but he’s definitely the one who swoops in for the next one, parting his mouth just enough to let it slide more easily against Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung gives back as much as he takes; his kisses are breathless and hungry, whispering Jackson’s name between each one. His hands shake as they slide from the side of Jackson’s face to the nape of his neck, his caresses as gentle and tentative as if he’d never touched Jackson before.
And as much as Jackson is overjoyed to finally hold and kiss Jinyoung, it’s not long before they both stop, panting hard, overwhelmed with what this means for both of them.
Jinyoung buries his face in Jackson’s chest instead, and Jackson feels his tears soak through the fabric of his shirt. “How… how long have you...?” he asks hoarsely, trailing off.
Jackson squeezes Jinyoung as tightly as he can, as tight as it feels like his ribs are squeezing his heart and lungs right now. “It doesn’t matter.”
“I love you.” Jinyoung’s voice is shaky yet hard as steel at the same time. “Stop saying things like that.”
I love you too , Jackson thinks, I love you to the moon and back and that’s how much I’ve always loved you . “But I don’t deserve this,” he replies instead.
Jinyoung looks back up at him, only to shake his head forcefully. “You deserve to be loved. More than anyone, you deserve everything.”
“Thanks, Jinyoung-ah.” Jackson means it, but Jinyoung’s utter seriousness makes him giggle as he says it, and just like that the tension dissolves into something softer, happier. Whatever it is makes Jackson’s head spin, almost as much as the kissing.
“Yah.” Jinyoung smiles too through his tears, flicking Jackson’s forehead gently.
“I didn’t mean—I never meant I don’t want you,” Jackson explains haphazardly. “I love you too, you know?”
Even though Jinyoung’s the one who said it first, he flushes deeply and hides his face in the crook of Jackson’s shoulder. “Yeah, I know. Idiot.”
“Yeah, okay. Good.” Jackson rolls his eyes, but the fondness in his voice gives him away anyway. Jinyoung stays nestled close to him, and Jackson keeps his arms loosely around him, matching the pace of their breathing.
“I’m glad I didn’t bury this one,” Jinyoung whispers into Jackson’s neck, when they’ve almost fallen asleep. “Jackson-ah, I’m so glad.”
Jackson isn’t sure what he means by the first part, but he hums in agreement anyway. The future is full of unknowns, and in some ways Jackson is even more scared than he was before; scared of hurting Jinyoung, of losing him, but at least now he knows he doesn’t have to worry about it alone. He kisses the top of Jinyoung’s head. “I’m glad, too.”