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Ilya knew that he had done something bad. He knew it in the way he knew many things about himself. In the way where it didn't need to be explained to be true.
The problem was, he couldn't remember what he had done wrong. Or for that matter, why he was feeling so odd...
His head felt fuzzy in a way that was both distracting and strangely calming. He was thirsty, but something in him told him not to stand up to search for the vodka he knew he had hidden somewhere in his kitchen cupboards. He felt it in his bones, or maybe his muscles?
Ilya groaned as he changed positions sitting on the floor. His feet are about to fall asleep. Oh, maybe that was the real culprit and not some inner sense of morals.
It was late in the night. The other bears had gone out for drinks. Ilya had turned them down. Why was that? He was all alone and had nothing to do without Shane there to distract him with his pretty freckles an- oh right! Shane was on his way to Boston tonight. He would arrive very late at night, but they didn't have their game against each other until late the following day, so they could sleep in all they wanted.
Oh Shane... he was so beautiful, and sweet and boring and cute and funny and god Ilya missed him! He missed his boyfriend so bad he wanted to cry!
Right! Boyfriend~
Ilya giggled to himself, giddy at the memory. Only last summer, Shane had taken him to a romantic get away deep in the woods. A cottage so private and so intimate that Ilya swooned at the memory. He never knew that he could feel this happy. He hadn't been told it was something he was allowed to have. Why didn't anyone tell him that? He felt almost insulted that no one informed him of the possibility. He could have spent years kissing those beautiful lips, worshiping that gorgeous body and whispering sweet nothing to the man who's presence was worth more then words could describe, in English and in Russian.
Another wave of dizziness hit Ilya as he daydreamed of the love of his life.
Ilya clutched his chest, trying to steady himself. Underneath his fingertips he felt the cold metal of his crucifix. His mothers crucifix.
He closed his eyes, letting her memory calm his racing heart beat. Ilya wouldn't say that he was panicking, at least not in the was Shane usually did, but he did feel his heartrate pic up as well as his skin turning warm and damp with sweat. He tried to steady his breathing, noticing that he was almost panting despite not moving a muscle.
"О, мой мальчик. Мой милый Илья" Oh, my boy. My sweet Ilya.
"Мама?" Mama?
Ilya opened his eyes, desperately searching for the source of that sound. His eyes landed on a figure standing a few meters in front of him by the window. She was as light and delicate as one would imagine a ghost would be. Light hair, pale skin and a white gown matching the fluttering curtains behind her. If Ilya squinted his eyes, he could swear they were of the same fabric.
Ilya didn't move. He knew not to tempt fate. Who knew what sudden movement would break this careful balance, what would tip the scales enough for the universe to decide to pull her back away from him. Ilya wouldn't risk that. He wouldn't move a muscle.
"Ты повзрослел" You have grown up.
Her voice was still as sweet as honey. Ilya soaked in the sound, starving for more. He only nodded in response.
She looked him over, her calm expression being quickly replaced by a slightly concerned one.
"Ты в порядке?" Are you okay?
And how Ilya has craved to hear those words from a family member. He wonders when he stopped expecting them. Probably years ago. Many, many, years ago.
Never one to lie to his mother, always the mamas-boy, Ilya told the truth.
"Нет" No.
He shook his head sadly for emphasis.
The fact that he was seeing her at all was testament to that. He needed to stop. He needed to undo whatever had led to their reunion, no matter how painful it would be to let go again.
He couldn't let the sorrow and the siren call of the other side lure him in. He had people to live for. Well, mostly just one person.
Shane
God, Ilya needed him. He needed his presence and his calming words and his boring routine that reminded him that he should wake up, he should get out of bed, he should clean the kitchen, he should fold the laundry. It wasn't optional anymore. No. He had to do it. For Shane. For their future together. He couldn't rot in his bed letting the voices eat him alive, he had things to do, Shane, to live for.
Ilya is overcome by the desire to introduce his boyfriend to his mother. She would love him, Ilya knows she would, but would she love his even as his boyfriend and not as his boy friend.
He fumbled for his phone, quickly scanning his contacts, eyes landing on the name Jane.
"Мама, я хочу познакомить тебя с одним человеком." Mama, I want you to meet someone.
Her smile turned serene just as a burst of wind blew in from the open window, causing the curtains to raddle. As if pushed my the wind, or pulled my Ilyas words, she stepped forward slightly.
Ilya took this as the acceptance that it was, and continued forward.
"Он мой любимый" He is my beloved
Ilya chokes on the words. The fear instilled to him over years pushing threw despite Ilya knowing that his mother would never hurt him. Not like him father and brother would anyway.
The slight shock that spreads on her face at the news if expected, but none the less cutting, as she takes in the pronoun.
A small part of Ilya, the little boy inside of him, craves for his mothers approval and affection. He cannot help the next words that fall from his mouth.
"Прости, мама. Пожалуйста... Я люблю его" I'm sorry, mama. Please... I love him.
Ilya doesn't want to beg for his mother approval. God knows she was the only family member he never had to prove himself to. If she didn't accept him, Ilya wouldn't know what to do with himself. He would rather rip his own heart out. That would be less painful.
To Ilyas relief, Irina nodded, a trembling smile spreading on her blue-tinted and cracked lips, tears gathering in her eyes.
"Всё нормально" It's okay.
Not wanting to waste any more time, Ilya clicks on the call button, switching it to speaker phone, letting the ringing vibrate through the silent room.
It doesn't take long for Shane to pick up.
"Hi Ilya. I'm only a few minutes out. Everything okay over there?"
Ilya could melt at hearing that voice after weeks apart. He doesn't know how he ever went without it.
"моя любовь" My love "I miss you so...", Ilya wined.
It was pathetic, and if he was anywhere in his right mind, he would feel ashamed of it.
"Ilya, you sound a bit slurred. Are you sober?"
Shane sounded worried. Ilya couldn't have that.
"I am fine. I am safe. In good company, Да, мама?", Ilya chuckles, looking up at his mom at the last part.
Shane, on the other had, didn't find his situation quite as amusing. Ilya could hear the restrained worry take up sticky space on Shane vocal cords during his next question.
"Ilya, what do you remember doing before? What did you take?"
Ilya didn't like the worried tone Shane used. Ilya hated disappointing or inconveniencing his boyfriends. But for the life of him, he couldn't remember the answer to that question.
Wanting to be good, but also not being above cheating to get the right answer, he turned for help from the only person available to him.
"Мама, помоги. Я не знаю..." Mama, help. I don't know...
Patiently, his mother assisted him like he was the petulant child she had always known.
"Ты съел что-то сладкое. То, чего не следовало делать." You ate something sweet. Something you shouldn't have done.
The memory clicked into place at the reminder.
"Yes, mama is right. I ate chocolate I had gotten from a fan. I know I shouldn't have. They looked so good though..."
He felt the shame of his actions fill him as he admitted his misdeeds out loud to the two people who meant the most to him.
Ilya could hear the sigh on the other end of the line.
"It's okay, baby. I'll come pick you up and we will get you checked up at the hospital. How many did you eat?"
Ilya could have practically purred in satisfaction, if that was something he was capable of, at the pet name. The question at the end, however, caught him off guard again.
Yet again turning to his mother, he used his best puppy-dog-eyes to convince her to help him remember.
She chuckled softly, the was she often did when Ilya fell on the ice in their back yard. Knowing he is perfectly safe and simply facing the consequences of his own actions.
"Ты съел один. Тебе никогда не нравился вкус миндального ликёра" You ate one. You have never liked the taste of almond-liquor.
Oh yeah! Ilya could almost gag at the memory.
"Only one, дорогой!" Darling , he conveyed proudly.
Shane hummed, relieved. The sound made Ilyas chest expand in unbearable fondness. He tilted his phone towards Irina to emphasize it, smitten at his boyfriends unending understanding and forgiveness.
"Мама! Разве он не идеален?" Mama! Isn't he perfect?
Ilya couldn't help but gush about his perfect boyfriend to his mother. Telling her about how polite he is, how great with kids, how he loved ice hockey and how he was the best player in the league. The Russian words flowing out of him like water. Nothing like his choppy English that he constantly had to retranslate in his head.
His mother stood only a few paces away, listening to it all without interrupting, that same serene smile plastered on her face.
"I'm parking now. I'll be there in just a few moments. Don't move.", Shane announces through the speaker phone.
A sudden fear that this could all soon come to an end, hit Ilya like a freight train. But then again, if he could have one thing in this world, it would be the chance for his mother to meet the love of his life.
When Shane unlocked the door and arrived beside Ilya, tears had already began flowing down the Russians cheeks.
Shane bent down to Ilyas level, searching for eye contact that never came. Ilya didn't want the illusion to stop. He was afraid that if he looked away now, she would leave him, just like he did when he was a child.
Blindly reaching for his boyfriends hand, Ilya intertwined their fingers in a gesture of belonging and companionship.
"Познакомься с моим парнем. Любовью всей моей жизни.", Meet my boyfriend. The love of my life.
Ilya squeezed Shane's hand, but Shane didn't protest. Instead, he glanced silently between Ilya and the direction where Irina stood, a confused look on his face.
Irina's smile turned slightly smug at her next reply.
"Довольно красивый твой мальчик" Quite handsome, that boy of yours.
Ilya chuckled at that. Not disagreeing.
"Да. Мне очень повезло" Yes. I am very lucky.
As if understanding Ilya, Shane gave the Russian boy a kiss on the cheek right at that moment, stroking his thumb over the back of Ilyas hand.
The gesture made Ilya sentimental to a concerning degree, but not yet enough to look away from him mother.
"Я когда-нибудь выйду за него замуж", I will marry him some day.
Ilya choked on those words, barely getting them out before his vision started blurring. He didn't dare blink the tears away. The fear of loss engraved too deep into his bones.
But then again, when had it ever been his choice to let go?
"Я так горжусь тобой", I'm so proud of you.
She smiled sadly again, as it she too couldn't bare to let go.
"Теперь посмотри своему прекрасному парню в глаза. Он этого заслуживает." Now, look your beautiful boyfriend in the eyes. He deserves that much.
And, like the mamas-boy he was, he did. He turned to meet a pair of incredible brown eyes that he is proud to call his home. The are filled with a fair share of confusion, anxiety, and sadness, but also a deeper sense of understanding and an unbelievable amount of pure love and devotion.
"Are you ready to come with me, love?"
Ilya thinks of his answer for a moment, turning back towards the window and it's flowing curtains, not a soul in sight. Only an empty space and the movement of ghostly white curtains moving in the wind.
"Yes, I think I am"