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Poppy bristled, curling up on her bed. She wrapped her arms around a pillow, burying her face in it. Her chest felt tight, but she didn’t dare try to ease the pressure. She couldn’t scream and cry about it because that wouldn’t do anything but get people looking at her. And people looking at her would mean that she had to explain why she felt like garbage. Which she couldn’t do.
Her jaw clenched. Her eyes burned. She pressed her nails into her palm as she clenched her hands into a fist.
She was angry. She hated that she was angry. She wanted to be angrier.
Her jaw clenched even tighter. Her eyes pressed closed. She squeezed her pillow even tighter.
How much of an asshole did she have to be to be mad that Cooper had a family? One that loved him and wanted to spend time with him.
She should be happy for him. But she wasn’t.
She was jealous. She hated that she was jealous.
Because she didn’t have that.
There was one day a week where she and Cooper both had free time. But he couldn’t this week, because it was his cousin’s birthday, apparently, and his cousin was basically like a sibling to him.
Which was great. Cooper always wanted to get to know his family. She should be glad that he gets to spend his free time with his family.
But she’s not.
Because her dad forgot her last birthday. The village as a whole was just happy to have another party, but she wasn’t sure how many of them were there for her or just for the excuse to party.
She had even had someone recently ask if she was excited to turn 20. You’d think it would be easy for trolls to remember how old she was, considering she was about a month older than their escape from the Troll Tree, and everyone remembered how many years that had been.
So, yes, she was bitter and jealous that Cooper couldn’t hang out because he was attending her cousin’s birthday when her own birthday was frequently forgotten. And she felt like an asshole for that.
She felt like an asshole for being upset that Cooper had a loving family that wanted to spend time with him.
Poppy had her dad. Who made her feel like she had to be useful to be loved.
You see, without being able to spend time with Cooper, she had nothing to do on her day off except sit. And think.
Branch would get on her case if she started doing work. It was nice at times, but that day, she really just wished she had a distraction.
Because all she was doing was sitting, curled up on her bed, pillow clutched to her chest.
Her chest felt tight, her jaw clenched, and her eyes burned. Her hand clenched into a fist, pressing her nails into her palms.
She felt like garbage. She felt like an asshole.
She was angry. She was jealous.
How come Cooper got to have a loving family that wanted to be with him?
How come she didn’t?
Her dad didn’t want her, she knew. She thought maybe he had just needed an heir, but then they found Viva and found out she was just supposed to be a sacrifice.
Sometimes, she could tell.
He would get tired and frustrated whenever she asked for anything. She remembered how frustrated he would get when she’d get sick as a kid. She remembered having to push through her homework on her own because he was always too busy being king.
Which was another thing that made her angry. That she hated being angry about. That she wished she could get angrier about.
Cooper couldn’t hang out with her because he had his cousin’s birthday while her own father couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to her past what was legally required.
She didn’t feel like she’d been his first priority since she learned how to walk on her own. Since she wasn’t a cute little baby to dress up and boost morale with.
Cooper’s family loved having him around. He had told her about how he had started crying one day while visiting them, feeling overwhelmed with all the newness. How his parents had brought him to their home, settled him on the couch and given him a blanket. How they sat with him the entire time he cried, and provided water and fruit once he had calmed down enough.
Her dad, meanwhile, would always sigh a specific sigh (she hated that sigh) and roll his eyes. He would say that, as princess (and later queen), she had to keep her composure. That she couldn’t get upset over nothing when everyone was looking at her for support.
He’d lecture her on how she needed to deal with her feelings privately, to project happiness to others constantly.
So there she was, curled up on her bed, a pillow clutched to her chest. Her jaw clenched, her eyes burned, her palms stung from her nails pressing into them.
She was angry. She wanted to feel angrier. She hated herself for feeling angry.
She wanted to tell Cooper to forget about his cousin’s birthday and spend time with her. She barely got to see her friends, and the time spent with her dad made her feel like she was working. She didn’t care that it was his cousin’s birthday. No one cared when it was her birthday. She didn’t even get a nice dinner with her dad because he had “more important” things to do. So why did Cooper’s cousin get a whole day? Cooper could just send a card later, like people tended to do for her.
Why did she have to compromise? She was dealing with a lot on her shoulders, and all she wanted was to spend time with her friend.
But he was spending time with his family for his cousin’s birthday. Because that was more important to him than another hang out. Because he had a lot on his shoulders, and all he wanted was to spend time with his family.
She should be fine with that. She should be happy for him. It wasn’t his job to take care of her. She should be okay spending time with someone else for one week. But she didn’t have anyone else. She definitely didn’t have a family she could spend time with like he did.
That hurt. That made her jealous. That made her angry. She hated herself for feeling jealous and angry. She felt like an asshole for being mad that Cooper had a loving family who wanted to spend time with him.
So she shoved the feeling down, building onto the tight feeling in her chest. She curled up on her bed, pressing a pillow to her chest to try to alleviate the tight ache. Give herself a reason to feel like her ribs were shrinking against her heart. Her jaw clenched, sealing in the words she both wanted to and never wanted to say. Her eyes burned with unshed tears, and she pressed them closed so nothing would escape. Her hands clenched, pressing her nails into her palm, so she could convince her mind that she had tried something.
It didn’t work. She still felt angry. She still felt jealous. She still felt like an asshole for feeling angry and jealous that Cooper had a family who loved him and she didn’t.